Original subtitles

Titan!

Titan, where are you? Come on!

Titan!

Titan!

Titan, come here!

Titan! Titan!

What a nerds are into you!

I'm not licensed for singing and dancing.

We're rehearsing. Bog off!

I shouldn't have served you this early in the morning. Exactly.

Leave us alone or we'll nick you for serving out of hours.

What are you rehearsing for, anyway?

Mind your own business.

Come, Robert, let us rehearse without the music.

Right? Where shall we take them? To 12?

Bring your parasol. Bring your parasol.

Bring your parasol. They may be small, they may be big.

He repairs them all with what you call a thingamajig.

Pitter -patter -patter, pitter -patter -patter, it looks like rain.

Let it pitter -patter, let it pitter -patter, don't mind the rain.

Special effects.

Really?

You know, Bob, that's the sort of thing that killed the music hall.

Ah, Superintendent Cotton.

Who wants to know? I'm Hayden Hunter, a journalist from the Hackney Herald.

Oh. I just wanted to know what you're doing about the beast of Hackney

What? A wild animal is terrorising Hackney Marshes. Don't tell me you

heard about it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Can I quote you on that?

A matter of serious public concern, and you have no idea what I'm talking about,

and that's cotton with two Ts, isn't it?

I'd better get it right, because I'm going to put you right on the front

Appreciate it, Superintendent.

I'll give you five minutes.

Purely in the interest of public relation, do you understand?

I promise you, it isn't a hoax.

We'll be the judges of that. My men are very busy.

I've no time to waste on frivolous scare stories.

Understood. This is a big city.

My men are overworked and understaffed. Why don't you put that in your paper?

You want me to put this in my paper?

There's been four eyewitness accounts in the past week.

Really?

And then there's this.

What is it? Evidence.

It's a dead squirrel.

Some children found it on the marshes.

Hold the front page.

It's on a body.

Fox. Hello.

Called into my contacts at London Zoo.

It's not a fox, nor a dog, nor a cat, he said.

And it's only an educated guess that it's more likely to be a bear.

A bear?

A grizzly bear.

We'll have

to work on this.

I reckon we're on to something.

I reckon we could even afford to think a bit bigger.

Like golf umbrellas.

No, no, no. Forget about the umbrellas. What about sidearm truncheons? Just

change the words a bit.

Any sidearm truncheons, any sidearm... I think we are being a bit ambitious

here. I mean, come on. We've got three days to go before the big night.

Brilliant, sir. Hey, we'll put you in the show. You could be our big ending.

Oh, look what you've made me do.

I've dropped a dead squirrel.

Dead squirrel? Is that part of your act, sir?

I don't know.

I wish the chief had never dreamt up this D Division variety night. The whole

thing's getting out of hand.

You can play to spoons, can't you, sir?

Used to, Briggs, many years ago.

He could do that.

No, too late. Nozzer's playing the spoons.

Underwater, apparently.

I'll have to get the variety night just for two minutes.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir. Do either of you know anything about the bear on Hackney

The bear, the bear.

I know the bear on Hackney Marshes. You do?

Yes, sir. It's a bit rough. They have strippers on Saturday.

The pub, the bear.

I'm talking about a real bear.

Anyway, strippers aren't Saturday night, it's Friday night.

Here, WPC Phillips is doing a strip for her act.

She's making nipple tassels out of shredded witness statements.

Is it not possible to have a conversation in this place without

variety night?

Phillips, you say?

Warming spoons don't ever do a double act.

Sir, if this isn't part of your act, what is it?

Is it a novelty keeper?

According to some journalist, the squirrel was killed by a bear.

There's no bear on Acme Marshes.

I bet that's what he thought.

It's all right, everybody.

There's no bears here.

That's great. We could do a vent act.

I know there are no bears on Acme Marshes.

But the papers have got hold of it. So we've got to be seen to be doing

something. Now take that thing down to forensics and see what they make of it.

We could take it down to the canteen and see what they make of it.

Good line. Put it in.

Forensics. Now.

It's just ridiculous.

The power of the press, that's all it is.

The super's worried about his image.

A bear wouldn't latch five minutes in, hadn't he?

Not unless it was armed.

Imagine somebody coming up to Wayne's flip three days before the Royal Variety

performance and saying, Wayne, we want you to go down the East End and hunt for

a big, hairy animal.

He'd probably quite like it, actually.

I hear DS Thompson's doing a whole set of Dembier than we're.

Including the baby boot. He's not doing plate spinning as well, is he?

And he's not using putty.

What do you want, anyway?

We want to cause a death.

Er, I know the crime rate is falling, but are we really reduced to

squirrel homicides?

This has nothing to do with us. This is a super's idea.

Just do what you normally do, have a poke round and write suicide.

Oh, by the way, what's with the umbrellas?

Nothing.

You're not doing any umbrellas by any chance, are you?

Might be.

Oh, nothing.

Come on, why that big daft smirk?

Oh, it's just that I heard WPC Phillips is doing any umbrellas. I

thought she was doing a strip.

She got cold feet.

Feet are the least of her worries.

And I heard she's doing it with a see -through umbrella on roller skates.

Yes, the sort of things she'd do, though. Anything for attention.

Remember last year's Christmas party?

Well, now, that works in our favour.

There's nothing she can show that audience that they haven't already seen.

You're early.

Yeah, well, we've got a lot on our plate.

Speaking of which... Pete's got all the plate.

He said he'd return them, but he hadn't. And if you want a phone, speak to

Nother, he's got them all.

I'll be glad when this stupid variety night's over and done with.

I forgot to wash my hands after handling that dead squirrel.

Ooh, very dangerous, that is.

You can get all sorts of things up, squirrels.

Before you know it, first whiff of autumn, you'll be scuttling into your

garden to bury your nuts.

Forensic reports.

One dead squirrel.

Which one of you is going to inform the relatives?

Large carnivore. What does that mean? Which word is bothering you?

Large or carnivore?

All right, we are very sorry we broke your plates, OK?

So it could have been a bear, then? Well, something big and vicious.

Bear, lion, tiger.

Or in Hackney, a local resident.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. You've handed this case to us on a plate.

Hey, hey, hey, you break his umbrella, you break him.

I'd do a runner if I were you, Doc. She wants her plate.

Thank you!

Sisters,

sisters.

I hear you two are on the beast of Hackney Marsh's case.

Might be.

So you think there might be something in it? No comment.

Why are you carrying umbrellas?

In case it rains.

I don't like being a journalist.

Or maybe they're not umbrellas.

Maybe they're stun guns disguised as umbrellas so as not to alarm the public.

You're right.

That is exactly what they are.

Can you speak to her?

Yep. She promised me, honour, honour, she wasn't doing anything with

Honour, honour.

Honour, honour.

So what's she doing there? She's doing a mind -reading act.

She's brilliant, actually. She sat on my lap and she knew exactly what I was

thinking.

Who is it?

Police.

It's not the bear, is it?

We were bears. We wouldn't be talking, would we?

You might be a bear with a tape recorder.

She's got a point, Dave. It happens all the time round here, doesn't it? You

think it's the gas man call to check the meter, but no, it's a bear with a tape

recorder. Just open the door.

My poor little Titan hasn't been the same since.

It was those eyes.

Oh, what sort of eyes were they?

Were they anything like this?

Well, I didn't exactly see them myself.

Ah. Oh, but Titan did.

Show your photo to him.

To the dog.

He's got a marvellous memory for faces.

He took against a certain postman once and bit him. The postman was off sick

three weeks, but when he came back, he remembered him.

Bit him again.

Dave, I'm just about to show a photo of a bear to a duck.

Don't tell anybody down the nick about it, all right?

Your secret is safe with me, partner.

Do you recognise this bear?

Is that your twirling hand?

The show must go on, Bob.

That's the spirit, Dave. Even if I have to do the show in a sling, I'll be right

there beside you. Good man.

Sir!

What the hell happened to you?

I got bitten.

Bitten? I'm taken into hospital.

You old fool.

Hello?

Oh, it's you, Hunter.

Yeah, look, before you go any further, I've got two of my best men... Did you

say bitten?

Any on the rails to mend today.

I did it. You did it. All through the pain.

Put it there, mate.

What in the hell's been going on? It's all right, sir.

I can still twirl and unfurl. It hurts, but what the hell?

A show business.

That's this.

Police officer savaged by beat of acne masses.

There are two TV crews on the way here. The Nationals have got hold of it. This

is all lies, sir.

Then what really happened?

I'm not allowed to tell you.

What? He made me swear.

Then tell me or I'll confiscate your brollies.

Swap him.

Bob was showing a photograph of a bear to a little dog.

That's the story I'm supposed to tell the press, is it? But it's true, sir.

Yes, well, the truth no longer matters.

We're in the spotlight now. We've got to be seen to be doing something.

I'm going to ask Nozza and Pike to help you out.

I want you down on the marshes, straight away.

If you want to see it, sir.

Nozza, Pike, I want you to join Briggs and Louis on Hackney Marshes.

And you're doing that all wrong, son.

You need more twist.

on my wrist.

Well, at least four officers will be spending the night on the marshes hoping

track down the bear, which some say may have escaped from a circus or could even

be an unwanted pet.

Well, as you can see, the officers are armed with what look like umbrellas, but

are apparently stun guns disguised as umbrellas.

Come on, this is rubbish, isn't it?

If it is a bear that's escaped from the circus, then it won't know how to feed

itself. No, sir.

There isn't a bear.

OK? No, but just saying, if there was, he'd be... Well,

he'd be bloody hungry by now, wouldn't he?

It's just a story made up by the papers. They've got nothing else to write

about. I know that.

I know.

I know you were bitten by a dog.

I know that all the eyewitnesses were a bit screwy, but nevertheless, it is

possible.

Now, sir, if the super really believed there was a bear out here, he wouldn't

have sent the four of us to spend the night without protection, would he?

Maybe we're just late.

What do you mean, bait?

Do you know how they tether goats to sticks in the jungle to attract tigers?

I mean, he doesn't want two spoon players on variety night, does he?

Oh, right.

So, in order that he might shine on his big night, he arranges to have his main

rival eaten by a bear.

It's a thought.

What was that?

What?

That. It was a bird.

Ow. Honestly, Noddy, if you're going to panic every time you hear a bloody

owl... That wasn't an owl.

No, that was a dog.

I mean, Noddy, if you're going to panic every time you hear a... Dave,

that wasn't a dog.

I'll backfire him.

Thinking about it, Pike has been gone a long time getting that takeaway, hasn't

he?

It's getting nearer.

You!

Pike, have you got a chicken bone stuck down your throat or something?

No, I've a reocid. Reocid what?

React. Bird?

Animal noises.

Then we stumbled across Birdie the Buzzard.

Ah!

Oh, I think the Daily Mirror can afford a little more than that, don't you?

Well, of course, if that's your final offer, I can always return a call I've

just had from the sun.

Of course, if there was a real bear...

There isn't a real bear. No, but if there was, the smell of these chicken

would drive him mad. He'd be over here like a shark.

Whoa!

Will you stop doing that?

I'm trying to help. That's an authentic grizzly bear mating call. It's part of

my act.

Well, then stop doing it.

If by some massively remote possibility there was a grizzly bear running around

these marshes, not only smell the chicken bones and think he was on for

I also believe that a bunk wasn't out there.

And if you were a bear in the middle of Hackney, I would imagine that little

combo would be hard to turn down.

Still here, Hunter?

You smarmy little git.

Say that as a compliment, shall I, Tom? You know, you're destined for great

things.

You're going to go all the way down to the gutter.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The first three sightings were from genuine punters.

I just helped things along a little bit.

It's starting to rain.

Well? Well, what?

Your umbrellas.

Excuse me?

These are not umbrellas. These are an integral part of our act.

You think we're going to get our props wet three days before the gala event?

And this, after I lend them my spoons to eat their coleslaw.

Come on, pup.

One more time, eh? It'll help us to keep warm. Why not?

And a word.

Pitter -patter -patter, pitter -patter -patter, it looks like the rain.

What are you doing?

Oh, one of them's playing the spades.

Two of them are dancing with umbrellas and the other is... Well, it looks like

he's barking.

Are you sure it's him?

I mean, a lot of those drug addicts use the acne marshes now, don't they?

Two of them are wearing uniform.

Yeah, well, never mind about that, eh? It's a point of getting a character,

isn't it?

Penny umbrellas to men today.

Come on, then, applaud!

Those umbrellas are police property.

We have a right to share them.

That's where you're wrong, actually, Notter.

We bought these umbrellas ourselves, unlike you, who stole his spoons from

canteen. Oh, leave it, leave it, lads.

We've got hours of this to go yet.

Look, maybe we should at least wander around and see if we can see something.

Oh, Frank, for the last time, there's nothing to see.

It's all been a misunderstanding.

This is a bear -free zone.

No bears!

These woods are bear -less. Yes, we have no bears.

Every bear that ever there was did not come down to these woods to picnic.

There are more bears down the back of my settee than there are around here.

And he hasn't got a settee.

If we were to see a bear here tonight in these woods, I would happily get my

umbrella and shove it up my... Bob.

Before you carry on, don't make any rash promises.

What?

Bear.

Where?

Bad. Bad.

Big problem. Bad.

information under the present circumstance.

No, I can't.

Don't. Detective Constable's first.

Hang on.

No, you hang on. We're climbing this tree.

No, listen.

What? It's not a bear.

Pike, that is a bear. I saw it with me own eyes.

It sounds to me as if it's in the mood for some rompy pompy.

No, no, no, beers don't make that noise. Seriously, I studied the tapes for

hours.

That sounded like a smoker's cough.

In a bear outfit.

All

right,

William. Come here.

Let's have a look at you.

It wasn't my idea.

Yeah, well, it'll take more than a fancy pantomime costume to fool us, you know.

He happens to be...

A Metropolitan Police animal noise expert.

And you sound nothing like a grizzly bear.

That is what a grizzly bear sounds like.

There's another of them.

All right, chummy, out you come.

Come on.

Pull his head off.

I'll give you a hand.

His teeth are real enough.

Either this outfit has genuine moving parts, or this bear is very pleased to

us.

That's it.

You get back.

Your mate's getting a bit fruity in there. I haven't got a mate.

You have now!

how it should be done later.

But first, I give you, with a unique rendition of a popular favorite, Briggs!

today bring your parasol it may be small it may be big

he repaired them all with what you call a thingamajig

pitter patter patter pitter patter patter it looks like a rain

let it pitter patter let it pitter patter don't mind the rain

he'll mend your umbrella

And go on his way Singing toodle -oom -a -loom -a -toodle -ay

Toodle -oom -a -loom -a -toodle -ay Any umbrellas to mend

today