Original subtitles

What? Double cheeseburger, please.

No! It's you, blondie! Face down!

You! Get up! You!

I want you up now, and you open a town's, and you give me the money!

Now! Move!

Don't tell me you were a bacon burger with, uh, regular fries?

Filet -O -Fish?

You get a little rubber Pocahontas with you, or something?

It's not now. They're in there. It's going off.

Come on!

Get cold, sir. Shut up!

It's hard to help.

It was you who sent us, sir.

Can we have ours, sir?

What's Charlie?

Keep your rates down!

Come, give us a bath.

Mine's on the floor.

What have we got?

Gunshot wound.

Query open pneumothorax. Entry site sealed.

Query left clavicle. We've stabilised him with O2 and established a saline IV.

Mr G?

No time.

Right. I'll beat 3610 and carry on.

You're leaving your car there, boys.

Yes, we are actually, Gilroy. What are you going to do, give us a ticket? No,

that's all right. We'll leave it there.

This happens to be an emergency.

Yeah, we've been involved with an armed robbery ambush.

Proper guns and everything.

All right, in that case, you can leave your car right where it is.

It's just that it's not the best place to leave it.

That's all.

Marvellous. Yeah.

Angels of mercy.

They get paid peanuts as well.

I'd like to have seen Virginia Bottomley empty in a bedpan.

Yeah?

Pervert.

Hello, sir.

How

is

he?

It's touch and go.

Where was he shot?

Just near the bollards.

So what happens now?

We wait.

And we pray.

Then go to Cowdery for a spot of polo this weekend, Charles. How about you?

Or is it not really that sort of filly you're interested in?

Well, she came in with a suspected heart attack that some idiot had parked in

the emergency base and now she's got concussion as well.

Are you two waiting for someone?

Oh, well, could you go and stand somewhere a little bit less in

I've got trouble with nurses.

Give me my uniform and I think they'll pull pot.

Let's go and find somewhere we can have a quiet sit -down, eh? Good idea.

Hello. Hello,

what are you doing?

The superintendent wants to know if there's any news.

Tell the superintendent to go to hell.

We're waiting to hear, sir.

No, no, they won't tell me anything.

Don't worry, sir, he isn't going anywhere.

Don't you worry, sir.

The minute Edward opens his eyes, we'll have a nice little chat.

Yes, sir.

What's the matter with you two?

We very foolishly stood in the way of a private patient being taken to the

hairdressers.

I've got a special fast lane for him now.

Have you heard anything about Edwards?

Yeah, well, we did try to peek into the operating theatre earlier.

And?

Well, Dave took us to the wrong theatre, sir.

Either that or Mr Edwards has just given birth to a bouncing eight -pound baby

girl.

He's rather moving, actually, sir.

New life?

Anything? The surgeon says it's purely to say.

Would any of you like coffee?

My darling.

You've got more important things to do than to get coffee for the likes of us

grown, able -bodied men. Oh, you get out there and save some precious toddler's

life. Actually, I'll have one. I know.

I'll be going.

OK, stitch him up.

Oh, and Charles, ask Dr Phipps to keep the keystone cops off his back for at

least 24 hours, would you?

You're not quite ready for the third degree.

I've always hated hospitals.

Ever since I was a kid and they brought me in to have Muffin the Mule surgically

removed.

They're inquisitive at that age, aren't they?

What gets me is they won't tell you anything.

Oh, I don't know. They told me in no uncertain terms.

Hey, look at this.

What? Highly confidential patient files.

Oh, he has no luck, this bloke, does he? He's been in hospital more times than

Princess Di.

What are you lot doing in here?

Ah, Dr Phipps, what news about our friend Edwards?

Would you mind if I sat down at my desk?

No, no, no, you carry on.

Don't mind me.

Would you mind getting off my desk?

I can hardly breathe.

Are you all right?

It's all gone.

It's all gone.

All better now.

You are a good doctor.

He often has these turns. Nothing to worry about.

You know, well, actually, you don't look at all well.

Oh, he always looks like that. Yeah.

I blame women's magazines.

They all want to look like Kate Moss these days.

Anyway, back to Edwards.

Mr Edwards is going to be fine. All Mr Edwards needs is a 24 -hour complete

rest. No, to be honest, I'm far more worried about you.

Come here.

Have you ever had a cardiogram?

I had a strippergram once.

24 hours?

There's no way we're going to leave him unattended. I need you two to stay

overnight, and you're not to let him out of your sight.

Sir, where do we sleep?

You don't sleep, that's the point.

If he wakes, I want names and... Louis, are you listening?

78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 82.

Hello, Bell's Record.

Nurse? Yes?

What about my tongue?

Look, your temperature's normal, your pulse is fine, your pupils are not

dilated, and the only problem with your tongue is that it is being sorely

overused, given the present circumstances.

That told you.

This man is complete quiet.

And as long as he's a patient in this hospital, his needs come first. Do you

understand?

Yes.

But he should have thought of that before he shot me whopper out me hand,

shouldn't he?

Your whopper? It was my whopper.

That's what it is, you see.

That's what what is.

That's why my heart's on the blink.

Whoppers, cheeseburgers, chips, fry -ups.

Bob, you only pretended to have a heart attack, remember?

You pretend to be a copper. Doesn't actually mean you are one.

But did you see the look on that doctor's face after?

He definitely saw something in my eyes.

Yeah. Sleep.

It's obviously, isn't it?

It's our lifestyle.

Long hours, stress.

Stress!

I worry about things.

What have you got to worry about since your goldfish died?

I worry about little things.

You shouldn't have to do that. You know what they say.

Size isn't important.

But do you remember the king's arms? That little bit of Christmas decoration,

that little bit of green tinsel that was stuck on the ceiling till June?

No, but go on.

Well, I worried about that for months.

It was just up there and I kept thinking, it's still there.

It's still there.

You know, now you come to mention it, you do look a bit... What?

The police this morning during a bank raid in the city has been named as

Michael Edwards.

He sustained a bullet wound to the chest and is being kept under guard in

hospital, where his condition is described as satisfactory.

Passengers trapped for two hours... Well, it'd be satisfactory to you, mate.

He won't talk.

Oh, you're sure of that, are you? Well, what can we do?

Well, we can make his condition a bit less satisfactory.

Don't be daft.

Would you got a better idea?

Just going to point Percy at the porcelain.

Strong enough to hold thought.

Yeah, get us a coffee while you're out there, will you?

Coffee? In your condition?

What do you mean?

No, no, no, no.

Live fast, die young.

I admire that attitude.

Better to live one day as a lion than a lifetime as a panda.

I'll have some mineral water. Is it? Yeah.

Bog off!

He's fine.

So there's nothing seriously wrong?

He's fine, considering he's just been shot in the shoulder.

Hello.

Oh, hello, sir.

And no, still unconscious.

but I've got him under 24 -hour guard.

Who?

Er... Briggs and Louis, sir.

Briggs and Louis!

Sir,

the man's at death's door.

All they've got to do is sit in a room and wait. Even they can do that.

You must remember, Bob. I mean, which is which? The yellow on the left or the

red on the left? I don't know.

It's not like jump -starting a car.

Don't try and help me. I'm getting very stressed here.

Come on, give up here.

Green and yellow is live. Earth is blue. Stop faffing about.

We need a 17 -year -old from Dixon's.

Are there any instructions?

Where would they be?

Usually second drawer down under the cutlery.

There's somebody coming. Oh,

you two.

Hello, Doc.

Shouldn't you be off playing golf?

That's strange.

Boris, did Sister Watts put those down?

Yes.

Oh. You know, Doc, I've never had much faith in that woman.

You know what I mean?

I could have swore I smelt rubbing alcohol on her breast.

Oh, I see.

She's obviously moved them up to monitor respiratory dilation.

Oh, oh.

And judging by this, I can see why.

Chaps obviously had a short spell of...

Cardio spasm brought on by stress.

Has he?

When?

Just about a year ago.

I pity the poor chap whose heart read out like that for more than an hour or

two.

Keep an eye on those two clowns, would you? They're messing around with the

monitoring equipment.

Oh. It's all right.

It's all under control.

An hour or two.

An hour or two.

Dave, this is it.

Don't be a daft, Bob.

You know what doctors are like. They're pessimists.

But I can feel me life draining away.

No. Your cup's leaking.

Look at my old Uncle Harry.

The doctors only gave him six months to live.

And they were wrong.

Really? He died of shock the next day.

Don't you waste your last precious moments.

If I was you, I'd give Liz Hurley a bell just on the off chance.

Dave, this is serious. I'm going to have to get to hospital.

How is he?

I think we're going to need a goodwill message from Spice Girls.

Like the elephant, he's going to find a special place to lie down and die.

He's convinced himself he's dying.

And is he? I don't know. But if he is, can I have his overtime?

Excuse me, excuse me. I've been waiting here for 20 minutes. Look, you have to

wait your turn. I can't wait. Look, this is the NHS.

You are an NHS patient.

That is why you're called patient. Because you have to be patient.

Now sit down.

It's nothing, this place.

It might be nothing to you. It's one third of the rest of my life.

Oh, Dave.

Really?

Here, have one of these.

No, I don't. Go on, spoil yourself. It might be your last.

Yes, I know. Of course, I'm not allowed to have these. Not in my condition.

So I'll just take one, suck it, and then I'll put it back in the bag.

I'm terribly sorry. Are you OK? Are you all right? Are you sure?

Sorry about that.

Ah, Louis, feeling better?

I'm going to have to go private.

There are people out there putting their children down for hip replacement

operations. Why don't you go to the immigration and go and see the police

doctor? Dr Death? You must be joking.

As a lot of his patients say, he's very good.

How did you know? Did you hold a stay -on?

That's where you're wrong. My pulse used to go bump, bump, bump. Now it's going

ba -bump, bump.

Listen. Bump, bump, bump, bump.

Bump, ba -bump, bump, bump, bump, bump.

Listen to me.

Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump,

Well, I've been under a lot of pressure lately.

I've never done mine.

Bump, bump, bump.

Hey, my pulse is like Bjorn Borg's.

A whole lot were full of helium.

Excuse me. Oh, sorry.

There are an awful lot of police around here today, aren't there? Haven't you

heard? We've got a real live bank robber.

Really? Of course, I use the word live in the broadest sense possible.

Where are they keeping him?

Bell -sized ward, I see.

We don't often get you boys from obstetrics this side of the road.

No, no.

Our coffee machine's broken down again.

Well, best get back.

Um, obstetrics is that way.

Yes, of course.

Silly.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Could I have a quick word?

Yes.

Yes, I'd like a quick word with you, too.

Right. Oh, you've got one.

Your body, a complete guide to women's health.

Women have art as well, don't they?

None of the ones I've been out with.

Dee.

Dodgy ticker.

Come here.

Let's have a look.

Right.

Do you have any of the following symptoms?

Nausea. Yeah.

Dizziness. Oh, yeah.

Spangly flashing lights when you close your eyes. It's like a Pink Floyd

concert.

Hot flushes.

You would start something like that, wouldn't you? There you are. You are

definitely entering the first stages of menopause.

Yeah, the only dodgy ticket you've got is your body clock.

It's probably nothing.

You're right to be suspicious.

It's just that he didn't look like a junior doctor.

He wasn't out of his sleep for a start.

Look, look, look.

I think it definitely wasn't him.

Come on.

We are in the middle of a hospital.

There are hundreds of doctors going past that door.

Yes, but they won't see you unless you've got an appointment.

Bob, we're coppers.

We don't have to make appointments.

Eh? We don't pay for drinks in pubs. And we don't get parking tickets.

We just go out there, stop the first doctor that goes past and demand a

medical. Why not?

And if he doesn't agree, I can do that old, is that your car in the car park,

sir? You will be careful as you drive home, won't you?

Stop

for

a bit.

What now?

It's just, there's been a break -in in the pharmacy.

What's missing?

Strychnine, 150 mils.

I should have been dead hours ago, do you know that?

Go on, go on, get yourself a cup of tea.

There is no special place in heaven for babies and people who haven't had sex.

Yes, there is.

It's in the Bible.

You're pure.

Anyway, I'm not.

Just trying to give you something to look forward to.

Dave, seriously.

What? If I am, you know, dying, if it gets to the point where

I lose control and life's no longer worth living,

Yeah?

Switch me on.

I'd have done it 20 years ago if you'd mentioned it.

You're a doctor, right?

Yes, I am, actually.

One of the first signs of cardiac arrest.

I'm sorry?

Come home.

You're a doctor.

You should know.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Take his pulse.

It's not my area, actually.

Is that your car in the car park, is it? Do drive. That's his!

What? Grab him!

Too good to me, Tom.

Hang on a minute.

Bum.

Bum.

Bum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

That's the doctor following Dave.