Original subtitles

Bye -bye!

One more press and we can officially say we've tried and he wasn't in. OK.

One more press and we run for it. Yeah. Right.

OK, that's enough. Let's go.

Hang on.

What?

He might have chopped himself.

Don't be daft. You didn't hear the state he was in on the phone.

Look, we both know what this is about.

His missus has left him again and he wants us to be there for him.

If he's got a problem, why doesn't he talk to a barman like anybody else?

He could be hanging from the banister like an old Christmas decoration.

His face all black, his tongue hanging out, his neck snapped like a dragon's

fin. It's all right, all right.

She's left him loads of times. He's never killed himself before.

Let's go and have a look round the back.

Splinter, for God's sake.

That's not a splinter. That's a flaming great big lug.

If I get it out, I could whittle a cricket bat and some stumps out of it.

Got any tweezers?

Grass stains.

Grass stains are like tape that.

Eh? They wouldn't come out, either.

Dab it up.

Tell Tom.

You all right, Louie?

He's off to critic all this. Well, it's only a splinter.

I've got this saving your life, actually.

I was pruning my trees. Yeah, but we weren't to know that, were we?

I mean, we just went straight in there without a thought for our own welfare.

And we're off duty.

And it's a Sunday.

Yes, well... Well done.

And thanks for coming round.

So what did he want to see us about, sir?

I'll pour the tea.

It's got to be his missus.

She's gone back with that ginger -haired bloke from the Nat West.

No, it's not Nat.

How do you know?

Her wig's still here.

She never goes anywhere without her wig.

What, then?

Why doesn't your wig come to us with his family problems, eh?

Might not be his family. Could be something to do with work. Nah, it's

I'll bet you.

You know, tenor.

What's this?

I've got healing hands, sir. I was just trying to suck your splinter out.

Sit down.

Tom.

Look, lads.

The fact is, I've got a problem.

Oh, really, sir?

Shouldn't really be bothering you two with it.

It's a domestic problem.

Families, eh?

Who'd have them?

You boys are lucky, no strings, no ties.

But I called you round today because this time, my family problem has become

work problem.

Ha!

You were so sweet back then.

Is she the problem, sir?

In a way.

And she...

Is a member of your family, sir?

Granddaughter.

I thought you said it was a work problem, sir.

Oh, it is, Louis.

Good.

Good that it's not a family problem, sir.

But it is.

I got a call at the office the other day.

At the office, sir?

It was my wife.

A member of your family, sir?

She begged me.

She begged me to use my position as a police officer to sort out a family

matter.

As you both know, that's against all the rules.

So, the main problem, sir, stems from the fact that you are a professional

police officer, making it very much a work problem?

Yes.

But the fact that you work as a police officer, sir, Wouldn't matter if it

wasn't for the fact that your family has become involved.

God, it's good to have two fresh minds involved in this.

I like clear thinking.

On my own, I just haven't been able to work it out.

What's that doing there?

Don't know, sir.

Must be mine.

I shouldn't read about the bush like this.

It's not going to be a gardening lesson, is it, sir? You see, my granddaughter's

gone off and joined one of these anti -road protests.

Don't mean she's going to be one of them crusties.

No, I don't mean that, Louis. She's a good girl.

She believes in things.

She believes all living things have an equal right to life.

She believes people should respect their fellow creatures.

Damn caterpillar.

You see, we've got a confidential memo on Friday.

In two days' time, the local constabulary are sending the heavy mob

a few heads.

I've heard about that. The F Division hit a hippie party.

PYOT? Oh, yeah.

Bring your own trenchant.

Exactly.

That's why I want my granddaughter out of here before the action starts.

You've got 48 hours.

Us, sir?

I'd do it myself, but she never listens to me now.

It was the time she believed everything her grandad said.

I once told her there were ten little fairies living under my shed.

Probably why she doesn't listen to you anymore, sir.

I'm giving you both two days' leave.

Paid, of course.

Yes.

Double time.

Double time.

Unexpensive, sir.

OK, OK.

I'll pay you out of my own money.

I don't care how you do it, I don't want to know.

Just tell her Grandpappy Cotton is still catching moonbeams for her

in his special magic wellingtons.

I nearly became an hippie, you know, first time round.

Really?

I played the Sgt. Pepper album backwards and I could swear John Lennon was

instructing me to resign from the sea scouts and burn me woggle.

Then the beetle spit up and all my hair fell out.

I blame Yoko Ono.

Nah, it was the bleach.

But most of all, we'll save the lovely old tree.

Cos it's trees, trees, only trees.

Lovely veggie burgers and dongeries.

Me and you, you and me. I don't mean you, I mean you, the tree.

I think that says it all.

Any chance of a roll -up and some Linda McCartney lasagne?

No, stop coming closer.

It's all right, love, we've come to help.

We would have been here sooner, but the traffic in the village.

You ought to build a bypass round here. Stop!

I'm terribly sorry.

No worry, love.

Me and him have hung for three days from the fast breeder reactor itself here.

That's what Bob looks like.

I'll get someone to get you down.

No hurry.

It's just that I think my head's going to burst.

DC Briggs.

DC Louis.

Policeman. That's not me. My head's the other way off.

Let them dangle for five minutes, then cut them down.

officers.

Two pints of lager and a saucer of milk.

For that.

So, we're going to have to be more subtle in our approach.

We could disguise ourselves as trees.

Trees?

Yes, we could disguise ourselves as trees and creep up to the camp at

and grab her.

I was in a school play once.

We used to make the trunks out of papier -mâché and the branches out of coat

hangers. You're loving this, aren't you?

What? Having hair.

Don't be daft. There you are. You keep flicking it back like Marianne

I've not even got it on.

Are you all right?

It took on. It won't come off.

phone the super and give him the bad news.

Hey, that's it.

Hmm? Bad news.

That's how we get her out of the camp.

We're coppers, right? So what do coppers do apart from catch criminals?

Play snooker?

They give people the bad news.

We go and see Emily and tell her that Grandpappy Cutter and his magic

wellingtons have been in some sort of horrible...

Me head was cold.

I have known you all this time, and I never realised that being bald

bothered you so much.

Please forgive any past insensitivities.

I know now that this is a very delicate matter, and from now on I will, at all

times, bear your disability.

In my room.

I mean, look at that bloke Fergie went off with.

Which one?

The American one. Looked like a shuttlecock.

He pulled a member of the royal family.

Then there was Jill Brinner.

He was considered sexy.

And Paul Daniels, I mean, he's got hair, but not a lot.

Look, can we just change the subject?

OK, OK.

Keep your hair on.

There's the turning.

Tires are a bit more.

Shut up!

Oh, look!

A rabbit!

Or is it a hare?

It's a badger.

Bald as a badger.

Funny expression, that.

Badgers aren't bald, are they? I mean, you're bald. The expression should be,

bald as a... Back

so

soon? Yeah, we need to see Emily Cotton.

I hardly recognised you without your hair. It made you look so much younger.

Really?

I'm Emily Cottam. What do you want with me?

Oh, Emily.

I am DC Briggs, and this is DC Baldilocks.

Do ten little fairies and two magic Wellington boots mean anything to you?

Grandpappy, sir.

Catching moonbeams.

Quick, quick, the Earth members are coming from the back of the woods.

Ah, so you're the diversion.

Very clever.

Moon!

Something we said.

It's your socks.

Now what?

We wait.

How long will it be before F Division arrive?

About eight hours.

Wouldn't like to be in their shoes when that lot sweep through.

It's their own fault.

Do you remember the miners' strike?

Wasn't it F Division that wanted to push on to Moscow?

Only good cause, Robert.

If Arthur Scargill had won...

He'd have wrecked the British coal industry.

Nice girl there, Emily.

Yeah, yeah. She's just in with the wrong crowd.

They've got it all wrong.

Trees are there to be cut down.

To be used by mankind.

I mean, what would you rather have? A boring old tree or a flat -packed

unit and 200 copies of Razzle?

Nothing. Trees are made of wood. They haven't got feelings.

Yes, they do.

No, they don't. I didn't say anything.

No, I did.

Up! Get your hands up, OK?

Any word from Briggs or Louis yet?

They're on leave, sir.

Yes, I know they're on leave. I just thought...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

If you're going to wait, you might as well wait up here in the warm.

Certainly is very snug.

Must be a nightmare when the lift breaks down.

He looked much younger with hair, didn't he?

I'm sure they're doing the best they can.

Marjorie, I'm just as worried as you are.

Yes, I'll call you.

Like what sort of thing? I don't know. A waltz, a ballad, something we can all

sing along to.

I can do I Love to Love by Tina Charles.

Do you want me?

I love to love...

It's not easy, you know, to play one of these things.

But so worth it.

So you sit up here for weeks and then just to save a tree.

It's not just the tree.

It's my brother.

I can see the resemblance.

And while I'm up here, they can't cut it down, you see.

It's all right up here, isn't it?

All right.

Yeah.

Reminds me of when I was little.

Me dad built me a treehouse.

Oh, here we go.

Lovely it was, he made it from the offcuts from the coffin factory where he

worked.

The only problem was, is that we didn't have a tree.

You had a treehouse without a tree?

Yeah. Bob.

A treehouse without a tree isn't a treehouse.

It is a badly made shed.

That's it, Sim.

My dad said that he planted an acorn underneath it.

And one day, when the acorn grew into a big oak, the treehouse would be up there

in the clouds.

And he said, one day, it would be a proper treehouse.

Just like the other boys had.

It's a beautiful story, Bob.

Hey, men.

Let me give you a hug.

What?

Has anyone got any matches?

You mean the dismembered limbs of members of your family?

Could you do me a favour?

Like... Could you look after my tree for a bit?

Yeah, no problem, skunky.

And if you see anybody coming, just blow on my detritus.

God, the Aborigines must have been chuffed when the first convicts arrived

introduced the mouth organ.

You have to purse your lips like this.

There, I did it.

It was that wig, wasn't it?

What do you mean?

You've seen yourself with hair for the first time since 1968.

No, I haven't.

Well, I've never seen you play a didgeridoo before.

What next?

Pot. Free love.

Flowers in your hair. Oh, no, you can't, can you? You'll have to solitate them

to your head.

Dave.

Look.

Quick, they're coming.

Don't you dare do that with that didgeridoo!

I'm going to sign with your mum. No, listen to yourself, you dope fiend.

a copper. You are a paid member of Her Majesty's police force.

Whose side are you on?

Have you totally lost all sense of proportion?

Eh? You are not here to shave trees.

Oh, me?

It isn't our problem.

It doesn't matter to us if a few trees are cut down.

What possible difference can it make to two ordinary blokes like us if they cut

a tree?

Well, I'll tell you.

None. Oh,

my

head.

I made you some tea.

Oh, lovely.

It's made out of acorns.

Acorns are poisonous, Appie. Only at certain times of the year. May to

they're fine.

It's September, you pratt.

Time flies when you're up a tree.

Yeah, so do we.

They're back.

How much time we got left?

Me watch has stopped.

What, your 200 -pound divers watch?

It was designed for diving underwater, not out of oak trees.

Oh, look, were we unconscious?

I don't know.

I was unconscious.

I bet you the F Division are just over the horizon.

I can smell the jerry -glit on their knuckle -busters.

Come on, we'd better get her out of here.

Oh!

with us, innit? Oh, it's not all bad news, then.

Emily, we'd like a word with you.

Another diversion?

No, no.

As police officers, it is sometimes our onerous duty to pass on bad news

to close relatives.

We're the grief squad.

Look, I'm really tired and dirty and I just want to get some rest.

Emily, it's like this.

Yeah.

Sadly, Your grandfather has had an accident and you must come with us at

What sort of accident?

He's had a car crash.

His car crashed into the ladder that he was on.

What was he doing up these ladders?

Cleaning windows.

Fixing a satellite dish.

He was fixing a satellite dish and he saw the windows were dirty so he thought

he'd give him a quick shammy. He liked that.

And from nowhere this...

This out -of -control Morris traveller.

Driven by a joyrider.

Crashed into him.

OK. Which hostel is he in?

What?

What was the name of it?

The one on the high street.

All right, if you won't tell me, I'll telephone Grandma and ask her.

Er, can't.

Can't.

Dead.

Your grandma's dead.

Yeah.

That's the other bit of bad news.

We just haven't got round to it.

My grandfather isn't really in hospital, is he? He just sent you here to get me

out of the camp.

That's true, isn't it?

How dare you come here with some pathetic story about Grandpa being in...

Hello? Grandma?

Grandpa, an hospital?

Yes.

Yes, of course, I'll be right there.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Listen, could I use your van, please?

Yeah, yeah.

Can we just run through that again?

We pretend the super's in hospital.

And he really is.

Spooky, that is.

It's that acorn, too. It's got magical powers.

Oh, I tell you what, Phil.

We got her out just in the nick of time. Look, here come F Division.

You know.

That lot would think we were real protesters if we didn't have our ID

What are we going to do now?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Let's revert to that old Navajo Indian trick.

Into the people, is it? Yes.

They said you were up a ladder fixing a satellite dish when

a Morris Minor traveller... Briggs and Louis have got very vivid imaginations.

I'm so glad you're all right.

It's just a warning.

My heart telling me to use my head.

Well, you mustn't worry about me any more.

Oh, it's not just family matters.

It's work as well.

Briggs and Louis ought to have a government health warning tattooed on

foreheads. I hope they're both all right.

They'll be fine.

With F Division on the march, they won't hang around.

I quite like it up here.

Your go.

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with B.

Er, it wouldn't be blanket again, would it?