Original subtitles

Arsenal with a throw in on the far side. Winterburn to take it.

Wright wants it. It's thrown towards Ian Wright.

Back to Winterburn. Now bowled inside the Arsenal half.

Driven forward.

Bergkamp's going to give up.

Because the flag's been raised by the linesman again to cheers on the near

of the field. Bergkamp offside.

Three kick to Bolton. He'll be pretty happy the way that you're considering.

Commissioner Boyle.

Please, David.

Oh, David.

Look, Ken, I'm sorry about all this cloak and dagger stuff.

It's not a problem, sir.

David. It's just that... Well, I wanted to talk to you about a family matter.

It's my son.

Your son?

He's on the force, isn't he? That's right.

You must be very proud of him, sir. Oh, I am.

Just got through his D .C. exam.

Highest grade in the class.

But you see, the thing is, he's being transferred.

To your division.

Really, sir?

Well, I must say, this is indeed an honor. Colonel, I don't want any fuss

of him, okay?

And that's why I want to speak to you.

I want you to make sure that no one knows who he is.

I want him to be treated just like any ordinary cop.

And I know there are some damn fine officers in your division.

Just let him muck in with the other lads and find out what real police work's

all about.

OK.

30 seconds to go, and then you blow the whistle.

Are your men in position?

Three at the front, four covering the back, and two to pick up the big

in case he makes a break.

You'll need more than two to pick him up.

We'll see.

OK.

Let's do it.

Five, four, three, two, one.

And Birmingham City kick off, and their brand -new Brazilian driver's made it

right down the right. Oh, no!

He'll come and kick the cat out, and they easily pick him up. It's a foul!

Foul! Foul!

Don't talk... That wasn't a foul. It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't.

wasn't. I've got the whistle. It wasn't.

That's not fair, that.

Come.

Frank. Oh, good morning, sir.

Frank, this is DC Boyle.

He's starting with us today.

With us, Frank.

You're looking very smart today, sir.

Oh, you know, just the usual.

I like to run a very smart division.

I'm a stickler for smartness, you know.

It is Wednesday today, isn't it, sir?

Yes, Frank.

How come you're not off playing golf?

Frank, Frank.

Always good for a bit of banter.

Just look after Boyle for me, would you?

Just do everything you'd normally do.

Yes, sir.

And I'll go back and get on with lots of work myself.

Probably going to be a long day.

Much to do.

Busy, busy, busy.

What are you staring at, Boyle?

Oh, nothing, sir. It's just that duties is a simple plural. It doesn't need an

apostrophe.

So, where do we start?

I'm very keen to meet the lads.

Keen to meet the lads, are you?

I think I know just the people to introduce you to.

And the dynamic Birmingham City forwards are swarming into the Manchester United

half, and the big Brazilian striker's going to have a go at goal.

Oh, possible!

Hands away from the table.

Go on, then.

Go and get it.

I'm not getting it.

You'll move me players.

Oh, boom.

Yes, you will.

Last time I went after a lost ball, you picked up my £2 million Danish striker

and stuck him to a bit of marmalade.

Both go and look for it.

It must be under the desk.

Hands up.

Can't wait to meet them.

You're going to love these two.

Can you see it?

No.

I've got it. There we go.

No, no.

It's a spider's egg.

Spiders don't have eggs.

Well, what's that white thing in the cobweb? They have little pouches, like

wallabies.

Pouches? Yeah, well, they don't lay eggs.

Mammals lay eggs.

Well, what about crocodiles?

Oh, see, spiders are like worms.

They're, what's it, erm, hermesthetes.

They have ticks with them.

Well, you know all about that.

Shut the worm in half and it's, hello, darling, where you been all me life?

I found it.

Oh, brilliant.

Might I throw in?

Yeah, well, go on then.

Briggs? Louis?

Busy? We were just going through security arrangements for Sunday's game,

I knew this was a bad idea.

Don't give them toys, I said.

It's been very useful, though, Potter.

Where were we, Dave?

The police segregation line will be here and the mounted Alsatians will be here.

We're conducting all the operations from underneath the Royal Box just there. I

think, you know, that's sort of like taking care of everything.

Yes, I used to play this when I was a child.

I'm Boyle, by the way.

New member of the team.

I didn't realise you were in the middle of a game.

It's Quirk and Randall.

Hey, Quirky!

Oh, Briggs and Lewin.

We've got some paperwork on the Wembley operation.

It's a plan of the stadium, with all the exits and... There's no point trying to

talk to them.

We're just getting ready for the big game.

We trust you have not forgotten.

We'll be there.

And I hope you're prepared for the intimidating atmosphere that we have

in that cathedral of sucker that is our office.

85 ,000 naked and fanatical fans, and we've put up a banner.

Welcome to hell.

Today, 12 o 'clock.

Ah, sadly, no. The kick -off has had to be delayed.

Delayed? Why?

Because our all -important singles quarterfinal had to be abandoned due to

idiotic behaviour of a mindless minority who spoil it for everyone else.

Who's this?

Wormy Boyle, new boy.

They put a new DC with you two.

Well, there is a logic to it, I suppose.

He can see how Briggs and Louis go about things, and for the rest of his

professional life, he can do the complete opposite.

Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.

So when are we going to play, then? You will be informed in the fullness of

time, as soon as the FA committee has reached a decision.

Any time.

We'll murder you.

I've signed a new striker.

And I've invested in a new jar of marmalade.

So, where are we going, then?

Well, what we're going to do... We're still not speaking to him.

Give him a clue.

Wembley!

Wembley! We're all dressed up and we're going to Wembley.

Wembley!

Wembley! We're all dressed up and we're going to Wembley.

Wembley!

Wembley! We're all dressed up and we're going to Wembley.

If you could just tell me what I've done wrong.

Couldn't you just have had a drop ball or something?

Rule 6, subsection 2A.

Any player or players moved by a third party not involved with a game, said

shall be declared null and void.

Even if you brought your own working floodlights, you'd still not get your

on that famous green swamp.

Over my dead body.

If I were you, mate, I'd make friends with the misfits from the shove -apony

team.

I know I've got off to a bit of a bad start.

I mean, I realise that you both work in very high -pressure jobs and that as a

result your recreational activities are very important to you.

They told us all about it at college, actually.

I mean, when you're living day to day with constant danger, you work hard and

you play hard.

I mean, being a cop is a 24 -hour -a -day deal, I realise that.

I mean, you see the dirty side of life.

You see things that other men don't see.

And I mean, I...

I can only guess at some of the things you've been through.

So I'm sorry I spoiled your game.

Quarterfinal. Sorry, quarterfinal.

No hard feelings?

So, chaps, guys, what's going down today, then?

Hmm?

Why are we here?

Reconnaissance.

Tactical planning.

Crowd control, sharp end. Oh, who's playing?

England versus Holland.

Soccer's not really my game, but England -Holland, that's quite a high -security

match, isn't it? Well, to be fair... Yes, it's the big one.

And we're the big boys who can handle it. Come on, Bob, let's cut the crap and

wrecky the jobs.

You are?

We've got to check the bugs are working.

I thought the security for Saturday's match was all sorted.

Where's security for Sunday's game?

Sunday's game?

No, Sunday's game.

What, you mean England -Holland?

Ah, come on, Bob.

I think we've seen enough here. What, you're the security for the England

Holland school goal hockey final?

Come on, Bob, let's go. What are you going to do? Balance yours or Brownie's?

Adolescence does strange things to some girls. You know, Bonnie Langford, you

know.

You can say that again. Have you seen the graffiti in there?

Here.

How many inches in 18 centimetres?

For average.

Wembley changing rooms.

I bet you Kenny Dalgleish has hung his jockstrap from that very hook.

If these walls could talk, they'd tell some stories.

If Kenny Dalgleish could talk, he'd tell some stories.

Just think about it.

In 1966, 11 of the finest men in England washed the mud of battle from their

weary limbs and drank the cup of victory.

1966?

I remember it so well.

It was a very emotional day for my family.

I sat on my father's knee and shouted for England.

It must have been emotional.

You were 21.

A bit different on Sunday, weren't it?

On Sunday, that bath will be full of 16 -year -old schoolgirls.

If

you

painted your red silver and tied ribbons round your ears...

You look like the FA Cup.

As I say, football's not really my game.

Rowing's my sport.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Actually, I rowed for Oxford in the 1991 boat race.

We won.

Who came second?

Cambridge. No.

We only did it to pull the birds.

Didn't work, though.

All the girls thought our rowers were just boneheaded beefcakes.

Mind you... Don't tell us.

They loved your cocks.

Hey, look at that.

Don't tell me you don't know who he is.

It's George Best.

I met him once, you know.

Really?

Hmm, years ago.

What did you say to him?

Oh, I shook his hand and I said, Mr Best, I'd like to thank you for giving

much pleasure to so many people.

With your unique talent.

Now, could you blow into this bag?

So, we've just about finished it. Just one more thing to do.

Ah, there he is.

Excuse me.

Have you got the keys to your stockroom?

What stockroom?

You know, where you keep all your equipment.

What equipment?

The stockroom where you keep your gear.

Why would you want the keys to that?

Security. Security check.

What you mean is you want to borrow a ball so you can have a kick about on the

pitch.

Don't get sad.

You promised to keep off the white lines.

You coppers are all the same.

You all want to tell you played at Wembley.

I've just fed them other two round here. Those two that are doing the FA Cup

final. Quirk and Randall.

How comes they get the FA Cup final and you lot get the schoolgirl's hockey?

Well, if you roll your trouser leg up and you get your left nipple out to show

the blooming Grand Wizard Commissioner, you get all the plum jobs.

I'll be gloving that old garrot's eyes.

He runs this force like some kin -pot dictator in Upper Volta.

Have you had the latest?

How don't his sons join the force? Well, I'm surprised he's got kids with the

state of his missus.

A stick -up little ponce says, please, Daddy, can I have a truncheon?

And comes straight in at Detective Inspector or something.

There's corruption everywhere these days.

He wouldn't have us in the Masons.

I'm a Catholic, he looks like a lizard.

Those two fellas doing the cap final aren't exactly squeaky clean. Do you

how they put the squeeze on me to get them cap final tickets and sell them on

the black market?

I told them, if it's bungs and corruption you want, go and talk to the

Enjoy your game.

All right, Frank?

Yes,

yes, fine.

How's the new boy settling in?

What new boy?

D .C. Boyle. Oh, him, yeah, fine.

Who have you put him with?

Andrews and Hope?

No, they're on leave.

Collins and Millett?

No, no.

They're undercover at the moment.

You haven't put him with Quirk and Randall?

Wembley Security.

Then court duty.

But, Frank, that only leaves Briggs and Louis.

Be subducio, this, isn't it?

Give me a kick.

Come on, take it off me.

When I was at school, they used to call me the little bird.

Why? Because you looked like a tit.

You used to flit, fly, flit, fly, swoop, foul.

What?

Anyone could do that. Oh, yeah, you'll come and do it, then.

I can't. I'm not allowed to get my trousers dirty.

Oh!

Physio. What's the matter?

I've busted me grobalar.

Here.

No, don't pick it up.

Trap it and pass. Pass and move, pass and move. Make space, make space.

Right, Ryan gigs me.

Sucked in cheeks, dark curly hair.

I'll be Bobby Charlton.

I haven't got enough hair to be Bobby Charlton.

I must say, you handle that business about the black market tickets very

Hey, get on your goal line. Get on your goal line. Right.

What were their names?

Quirk and Randall, I've made a note.

Dave?

What are you doing?

It's what they do these days after they've scored.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Just sling it over.

I'm not daft, you know. You're not here to cover the girls' hockey game at all,

are you?

Ref, I'm being impeded. You're IAD, aren't you?

Internal Affairs Division. That's why we're here, isn't it? You're on Quirkham

Randall's case.

Look,

if you told me who he was, this needn't have happened.

The Commissioner told me that no -one was supposed to know.

Oh, this will be him. Just act naturally.

Yes, right, fine.

Do come in.

And take a seat.

Coffee?

Cake?

So, how has your day been?

What have you done to your head?

Oh, er...

DC Briggs. Dave, he hit me on the head with a football.

I must say, that Bob and Dave, I've never seen anything like them.

They're all officers in C Division, like those two.

No, no, no. Oh,

I get it.

They're the elite, eh?

IAD hotshots.

Oh, well, it shows.

They really know their stuff.

And I suppose I should thank you for letting me spend some time with them.

Exactly how hard were you hit on the head?

I was all in the line of duty.

We'll root out the bad apples in this division.

You leave it to us.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to get some working floodlights for their Subutio

I'm helping Bob and Dave with the semi -final.

I can't wait for this. What are you two planning?

In 25 minutes' time, Quirk and Randall will be here for the first leg semi

-finals of the doubles tournament.

And we are going to have them.

What, you're going to nail them today?

Now? They won't stand a chance.

You two don't hang around, do you?

Is there anything I could do?

Yeah, you can blow the whistle.

Me?

You want me to blow the whistle?

Yeah. Why not, Boyle?

Boyle.

Should we call him Boyle?

No, he's one of the lads.

Yeah, you can blow the whistle, Boyley.

Right, just give me two minutes to make some calls and find a tape recorder.

A tape recorder?

I'm going to record everything they say.

He's taking that a bit seriously, isn't he?

Sad, really, isn't he?

DC Crook, it is urgent.

What is it?

Briefing Louis.

They say if we're not in their office by three o 'clock, we'll be automatically

disqualified, and they go through to the final.

Bastards.

You're on time, Constable.

It's quarter to three, sir.

Look after this man. Mustache.

Come on, give it to him.

They're not here yet, then?

No. Five more minutes and we can go through on a bye.

Oh, I hope they come.

I want the pleasure of wiping their names off the floor.

What, you think they might be drummed out of the force?

Well, that might be a bit hard. Well, I'm ready for them.

I've got the tape recorder hidden under my jacket and the microphone's here in

my cuff.

I'm going to record every single move they make.

Dave, I think we've created a monster.

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Arranging a semi -final on the day we just happen to be on court duty.

It's all about commitment, Quirk.

It's all about appetite for the game.

They're playing a sweeper.

Just as I predicted.

What's he doing here?

This? Boyle?

European match play champion, three years on the trot.

They call him Viperist, because he's so quick.

He's been giving us some tips.

Yeah?

Been to university and everything.

Hey, but please, lads.

Try not to be intimidated.

It's 11 bits of plastic against 11 bits of plastic.

Yeah, well, so long as you know he's not allowed to touch the players and he

can't give a device after the match has started.

Rule 7b, subsection 2a.

Get me right out of the way!

Stand up, all you players.

Randall, sweep the pitch for Marmalade.

Marmalade.

Sir, D .C. Boyle left a message for you earlier.

He was in a bit of a tizzy.

I'm about to blow the whistle on Quirk and Randall.

When I give the word, send the cavalry into Briggs and Louie's office.

P .S. They're calling me Boyley now.

So, Briggs, Louie.

I'm surprised you've got time for this with your workload.

Ignore him, bub.

He's trying to psych us out.

Shouldn't you be out there marshalling your riot squad for your schoolgirl's

hockey final?

We're not listening, are we, Dave?

I hear only the distant buzz of a fat pounce in the last throes of

Of course, we're in charge of the FA Cup final.

You know, football, proper game, the jewel in the sporting crown.

Well, of course, if you want to spend Saturday afternoon trying to stop 80

psychotic skinheads cutting themselves off into doilies with a Stanley knife,

it's your problem.

At least we won't be covered in love bites at the end of the match.

Oh, she speaks.

Randall speaks.

Look, I'll get you two tickets if you like.

I'm flogging them off at 50 quid a pop.

Not for you two.

I'll make it 75.

Actually, I'd like to buy a couple of FA Cup final tickets.

Really?

Black market tickets, are they?

Best in the house.

And how did you come by these black market tickets?

Mostly from that disreputable, unscrupulous, thuggish band of criminals

always provide the black market tickets.

The players.

So you're saying...

That you dishonestly received FA Cup final tickets and that you're going to

them on to me at a profit to yourself.

Right, three o 'clock.

Let's get on with it. Is that what you are saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fifty quid apiece.

Now, come on, Briggs.

Let's kick off.

Come on, Boyley. Blow the whistle.

Superintendent Cotton?

It's Boyle here.

Yes, hello.

Go, go, go.

Tired shot?

Ken. Sir.

Frank. Sir.

And this must be Briggs and Louie.

I'd just like to say to you both that I really do admire the exceptional way

that you handle this unfortunate case.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Too many officers seem to think that kickbacks and free tickets are all perks

the job.

But in my book, it's corruption.

Nothing more, nothing less.

We have a very similar book to you, Your Majesty.

And in that book, we most heartily have a similar outlook as regards perks,

kickbacks and related funny business.

Yes, indeed.

My son has told me all about you two.

Yes, Your Highness.

May I say, on behalf of both of us, we were not aware of his fondness as

yourself to him.

And we didn't mean what we said about the Freemasons or your wife. What

saying is they were just doing their job.

Well, look, if there's anything you need or anything that you want by way of a

reward,

Please let me know.

Well, there is one thing, sir.

Girls, police.

Well, you can't go in there. We have a warrant from the commissioner to search

the dressing rooms. Thank you.