Original subtitles

Hey!

Hey!

It's a robot.

You are held in a queue and will be answered shortly.

What's the number?

Party puppers are the party people.

Well?

You are held in a queue and will be answered shortly.

Yes. Well, remember, I'm in front of you.

Farewell.

And I have to say, with all sincerity, I can't wait to see the back of you.

Are you sure you booked her for seven?

She must have got lost.

Oh, hello. Yes.

Party poppers are party people.

All in front of you. Get off.

Hello.

Yes. Earlier today, a colleague of mine booked Miss Kiss My Whip, the stripping

granny.

Vinyl knickers, edible bra, own poem.

Yeah, well, it's just she hasn't arrived.

I was 17 when I first came here.

It doesn't seem like 25 years.

That's because it's 35 years!

It was booked in the name of Louis Robert.

She's looking at herself. No,

not Cheeky Chico, the kiddie's clown. We ordered a stripping granny.

What would a room full of half -cut, hairy -arse coppers want with a clown?

never get out of here alive.

Yes, love, I suggest you go and check.

A clown in there with that lot.

He'd hang him up by his... Now, some of you know I'm being transferred

to traffic.

So take it easy on the wine when you drive, otherwise I'll nick you. Yeah.

OK, OK, it might not be that bad. What do you do?

Me?

Yeah, what's your act?

Oh, I can't think.

Oh, I fall over a lot.

Musical chairs?

Balloon twisting, I can make that quite adult.

And then there's my big finish.

Well, I make a dove appear.

Oh, it's more of a pigeon, really.

I'll show you.

each thing as a secret in this place.

So some of you will already have heard that my successor, Superintendent

Simmons, is a woman.

Could you tell me where I could find Superintendent Cotter? Oh, thank God you

did!

Where's your brother Fellet and your nipple clamp? Come on, come on, let's

what you've got!

Come on, come on, get your kit off.

Excuse me. Sorry.

And from all accounts, she's a bit of a strict disciplinarian.

So you lot are going to have to buck your ideas up.

Now, she did say she'd be along to meet you all later informally.

So mind your P's and Q's.

Poem? We specifically ask you to bring your own poem.

Look, it can't be that difficult to find something that rhymes with Cottam.

Cottam? I want to see Superintendent Frank Cottam now!

Ooh!

Hey, Kiki Nickerson!

Listen till we give you the word.

Superintendent! Oh, shut the fuck up!

Let's take her through to our office.

She can make a big entrance.

Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me.

Before you go, sir, me and Bob have got a little surprise for you.

Come over here, sir. Come on. Come on, everybody.

Gather round. Chop, chop.

We couldn't possibly let you leave without showing our appreciation.

for all the work you have done over the years in C Division.

Bob!

Open the door!

Superintendent Simmons.

Everyone, this is your new boss.

His name was Frank.

Who's a naughty boy, then?

Take a seat.

They're not plugged in.

Well, we didn't get off to a terribly good start, did we?

You know, I like to think of any division that I run as being like a kind

ship.

And on this ship, I am the captain. My DIs are my petty officers, my DCs are my

first mates, my PCs are my crew.

And having read your file overnight, I've come to the conclusion that you two

are barnacles stuck to the back.

I don't like barnacles.

It's a bit like me, Miss. I'm allergic to oysters.

Don't worry.

I don't like it. Sorry, Miss. Madam.

Madame. What I'm trying to say is I don't believe in carrying passengers.

So this ship of yours is not a passenger ship like the QE2. It's more of a

cargo ship.

Or a big yacht.

We're both on one week's probation.

Probation? We haven't done anything.

Precisely. According to this file, you two haven't done anything for years.

I intend to carry out a full investigation into your role in this

You'll be given a thorough medical aptitude test and I personally will

a series of psychological in -depth profiles.

I've done a lot of work with juvenile delinquents with personality issues.

What happens if me and him fail?

If you fail, you walk the plank.

What it is, you see, women are biologically only equipped for positions

power.

Once a month, their moods change completely.

What, payday?

Then you get pregnant and lose their jobs and complain.

I mean, it's not men's fault that women get pregnant, is it?

Well, who's thought it was?

You know what I mean.

Shut off. Shut off.

Don't mind if I do.

So, are your little ears burning?

They should be.

I've just been talking about you two.

Everybody has.

Simmons had us all in her office, one by one.

It's all down there in black and white now.

The collected cock -ups of Briggs and Louis.

Not her, my dear fellow.

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but tittle -tattle we care for not one

jot.

No.

What did you tell her?

Oh, I should think the file is the least of your worries.

I understand she's going to be putting you through the old psychological tests.

The old Kotler's Krypton Factor.

I knew a bloke in D Division.

Had some of those psychological tests.

Smashing bloke he was.

Seemed perfectly normal to me.

But it is amazing what the trained professional can find lurking in the

dark recesses of the human mind.

There's nothing lurking in the recesses of my mind.

His mind hasn't got any recesses.

Smooth like a ping -pong ball on the floor.

I thought we were supposed to be sticking together.

Have trouble relating to real women, do you, Louis, eh?

And you, why did you mention smooth balls?

Why, small balls, eh?

Come on. When I said balls, I didn't mean balls.

Why are you playing with your tie?

That's a phallic thimble, you know.

No, it's not.

It's a polycotton mix.

I'm only preparing you for what Simmons is going to be putting you through.

Then there's the sensory deprivation control and coordination tests.

You've practised for them, obviously.

Here we go.

Why, will I?

It's almost worth losing a fight.

Really the proper equipment.

But this will do, too.

Do you want to squint?

And then you put it on.

The idea, you see, is to determine how well you react to sensory deprivation,

combined with a situation of physical jeopardy.

Russian cosmonauts do it, apparently.

Right, so we dig the bins on our head.

And stand on the chairs on one leg.

I think I've heard of this. The FAS do something similar, with a wounded

crocodile on their heads.

That's the one.

Standard test, really.

Well, come on, then.

The more you practise now, the better you'll be for Simmons.

Come on, bub.

Just watch what I do.

Hello, can I? I'll have a bin on me head.

We'll start you off with two minutes then, eh, lads?

Simmons is on her way. Simmons.

Simmons.

Right. I'm leaving the room now so that you are completely cut off from external

stimuli.

See you in two minutes, lads.

Louis and Briggs in their office, are they? Yes, ma 'am.

Can we change legs?

Do you want to get drummed out by force?

I tell you what, Dave, we'll show that old trout Simmons what two real coppers

are capable of.

How's that?

Not bad.

That's never two minutes.

Doesn't time fly when you... Rob?

What?

Take your bin off your head.

Ah!

Ah! I've told you before about putting bloody chewing gum in the bin.

Wrap it up.

What a piece of paper.

Right, who wants coffee? No, drinks are on me.

You know, I almost feel sorry for him.

She's interviewed the whole division.

She must have heard some stories.

We're going to start with a little word association.

I'll say a word to each of you in turn, and you say the first word that comes

into your head.

OK?

OK, OK.

Starting with you, Robert.

Woman. Party day.

Man.

United.

Oysters.

Love. Boat.

Sex. David Attenborough.

Food.

Melons.

Drink.

Yeah, great.

That didn't take long, did it?

I told her the story about Lenny the Lion.

Let's try the Rorschach test.

I'm going to show you a random image, and I want you to tell me what you see.

Well, it's upside down, but that's greater than Manchester, that is.

There it is. Look.

There's the M62, there's Salford, and that's my mum's house.

You can see your mother's house.

No, I can see a Texas DIY.

My mum's house was demolished in 1967.

That must have hurt.

She wasn't in it.

Well, the lawyer that escaped was a male.

So that's obviously why Briggs decided to dress up as a female lion to attract

him.

She said, well, did the disguise work? So I told her.

I said, well, it fooled the park keepers. They shot him up the arse with

tranquiliser. He was unconscious for three weeks.

Oh, that's right. Have a good laugh.

I've just handed the transcripts of your interviews to the Chief Superintendent.

Simmons is already pressing for dismissal.

And she hasn't even finished the psychological tests.

Now, I want to try a little role play.

Great. This is better than work, eh, Dave?

It says here your father died at Dunkirk.

Yeah.

Oh, it's a shame, really.

He nearly made it back.

I didn't know your dad died in the war.

He didn't.

His heart gave out carrying back duty -free lager from McDonald's.

Now, David, I want you to be Robert's father. And, Robert, I want you to

take this opportunity to say to your father all those things you never had a

chance to say to him before he died.

I know it's a little daunting.

Look on this as a second chance.

Unburden yourselves.

All right, Dad?

All right, son.

Dad?

Yes, son?

You don't remember where you left the metal step ladders, do you?

That didn't go too badly, did it? I think we should celebrate.

Two treble vodkas, please, Derek. Right.

Apart from that bit with the bins on her head, I thought we got away with it

pretty well.

I said to the knife lady, you can take a horse to water, but teach it to fish,

and he will neither a borrower nor a lender be.

She smiled when you said that.

It got her thinking.

Up to your old tricks, Derek.

I don't know what you're on about.

You've been watering the vodka again.

Tom.

Ah, Frank.

Hello, sir.

What are you doing here?

Just thought I'd see if any of the lads were around.

So, how's life in traffic?

Oh, you know, variable.

How's Simmons fitting in?

Oh, you know, new broom.

She's certainly got me on my toes.

Well, you're the boss, sir.

Yes.

I suppose I am.

She doesn't like drinking.

Really?

Look, lads, I just wanted to say that, well,

if anything I said today were to get misconstrued, then I'm sorry.

I really mean that.

Well, what have you been saying?

It's just that, you know, these things come out.

What did you tell her?

The truth.

The truth?

You coppers!

Why start telling the truth now?

All right, lads.

Hello, sir. Hello, sir.

What are you doing here?

Oh, thought I'd drop by, see how you're all doing.

Catch up on a bit of gossip.

Only been away 16 hours, sir.

Can you get me a drink?

Yeah, what do you want?

Is he still watering the vodka?

You could sell it to toddlers.

Better make it a treble.

So how are things under the new boss?

She's making changes.

Clearing out the dead wood.

What do you think you're doing?

It's a sample. I'm taking it down to forensic.

Oh, hello, Frank. Back so soon?

How are things in traffic?

Fine, fine.

Well, your replacement has certainly got things moving in C Division, that's for

sure.

Out with the old, in with the new.

I see you've got yourself a new job already.

You leave him alone.

Oh, not you too, Amanda.

And why has everybody gone gooey about Briggs and Louie?

Ha! That rhymed, and you didn't mean it to.

And for God's sake, we all know they've got to go.

And that.

Look, you.

You might be good -looking.

You might have medals for bravery. You might have a degree.

All right, you might be damn good in bed.

He... is cuddly.

Well, that told you, didn't it?

So how are things in traffic?

Oh, you know.

Hard work, is it, sir?

Well, they got us on a rotor. Half the time we're organising roadblocks,

catching drunk drivers.

Evil bastards.

The other half.

What, sir?

It's road safety.

Teaching children across the road, you know.

Visiting schools.

Sound too bad.

It's valuable work.

Varied. It's interesting.

Sir, why are you wearing Anita Harris's shoes?

OK, OK.

So I'm Captain Careful.

Do you want a good look, eh?

at him facing a classroom full of 11 -year -old joyriders dressed like this.

No, sir, no. To be fair, it's, um, fallible work.

Eh, bub?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Captain Careful.

The kids love him, don't they?

Don't patronise me. They don't love him.

They'll have hard drugs, bags full of glue and Snoop Doggy Dogg.

They think Captain Careful is a tired old fool.

I know, they told me.

By God, they're right.

I wish he'd put some vodka in his vodka.

Sir, can you fly?

Of course I can, bloody fly!

To jump off the desks, flapping me cloak!

Hello, Frank.

Margaret.

Settling in all right?

You're sitting on my cape, actually.

I am, sir.

I should go easy on those drinks if I were you.

You've got your medical test tomorrow.

You should be drinking water like me.

We are.

These are the results of the Bruce and Louise medical, ma 'am.

Oh, Bill.

Was there something else?

I just wanted to say that I know you're going to sack them, but they're the

nicest men in this division, and I think it's horrible what you're doing.

And they don't go round groping the WPCs like all the others.

I mean, I once asked Louis if he was a virgin, and he blushed and said, not

Why don't you just go and tell Briggs and Louis that I'm ready to see them?

Any news?

Have you heard any whispers?

Well, DC Flynn overheard her talking to the chief super in the canteen.

What did she say?

He only caught a few words.

Incompetent.

Surplus.

Infantile.

Pigeon -chested and spotted dick.

Was that him or me?

I think that's what she was eating.

She's ready to see you.

Funny, fluffy, silly little sweetie.

Well, you're a funny, fluffy water buffalo.

You funny old thing.

For God's sake, why don't you just make a pyjama case out of him?

Pudgy bear!

Get off!

That doctor had me down as medium athletic, erring on the side of wiry.

like good news then.

Better get going, lads.

See you around.

See you, Noz.

news. Still, think about it this way, lads.

You've got your memories.

They can't take those away from you.

25 years I was in the force.

I got the bullet just like you, but I dusted myself off, started again.

You two ever thought about getting into the pub trade?

Pub trade?

If you think that we are going to spend the rest of our active working lives

standing at the end of a bar with a load of middle -aged alcoholics in golf

jumpers talking about immigration, then you have got another thing coming.

And for your information, we have not got the bullet.

We have been promoted.

Eh? Yes, Derek.

Tell him, Bob, what she said.

She said there'll always be a place for us in the modern police force.

Ready, lads?

Ready, sir.

Captain Campbell!

Corporal Cossus One!

Corporal Cossus Two!

At your service!