Original subtitles

The Galapagos white -flippered turtle can live to the age of 500 years and

can still be sexually active after 400 years.

Sounds like Joanna Lumley.

Dirty old bugger.

Have we got the right end?

You know, when she did stick out her head for dindids, she looked a bit like

you.

About time.

Our shift finished two hours ago.

There's a lot of journalists out there. They all want the story.

Yeah, well, we waited half a day, babysitting a crash helmet.

How's she been?

Oh, fine. She made a mad dash for the door, but we managed to wrestle her to

ground.

She's proud to be a copper for once, doesn't it?

I'm filling up.

Just a minute.

There are only three of these left in the whole world. If we hadn't

that illegal shipment, the entire species might have become extinct.

A lot of men spent a lot of hours saving this little beauty.

If I may say so, sir, in entertainment value alone, she earns her place in the

great tapestry that is the animal kingdom.

Can we go now?

The head keeper of London Zoo will be here any moment.

I've laid on a motorcycle escort.

What's the hurry?

She's due a feed.

Apparently, she's a very delicate creature with a very special diet. If

anything other than java shoots and a special sort of seaweed, she'll

die.

Yeah,

it's all to do with her specially evolved digestive system.

What, like, um... I'm going to be interviewed on Newsround.

Saviour of the environment.

Sir, we'll be off.

Aren't you stopping for the press conference?

We'll just make tracks. We don't want to steal all the limelight.

It's your day, sir. You take all the glory.

It just said, warning, small children can choke on peanuts. Nothing about

turtles. But it wouldn't hurt.

One peanut wouldn't hurt her. It wasn't one peanut. It was a handful.

And you gave her some of your Kit Kat. She loved the Kit Kat.

Well, you would, wouldn't you, after 500 years of seaweed?

Maybe she's not dead. I mean, she didn't roll over and go, ah, or anything.

We are just going to have to face facts.

We have created the world's biggest ashtray.

We've got to get out of here.

We can't run away and hide, can we?

No, you're right.

We need a what's -it.

A raison d 'art.

Got it.

I know. Let's go and see Pete the pusher. Oh, brilliant.

Peter, look at this.

Pure, unadulterated.

100 % Colombian cocaine.

You don't need all this fancy equipment to tell you that.

Extracted from the rectum of a Peruvian smuggler.

So, what do I owe this rare pleasure? If C Division are trying another party, my

purple hearts are not for sale. Not after last time. We need a favour.

We've just got to get away for a few days, as far as possible.

Try something to this.

To be sent on a journey through the stars.

and land on Uranus. Come on, Pete, you must have something. The drug squad

always need a help. I'm a sudden desire to be helpful.

I've just got to get out of the office for a couple of days.

Try the vice squad.

No, we're barred from the vice squad. Oh, yes, the Bishop of Durham incident.

That wasn't our fault.

Look, just give us a routine follow -up or a search, anything.

So what exactly have you two done this time?

Nothing, nothing.

Come on, right in my day.

Honestly. Nothing.

Well, if you don't tell me, I'm afraid I can't help you.

OK, all right, you really must know.

I just killed a rare giant turtle.

With some nuts.

And a Kit Kat.

You know, with you two around, there's no need for all of this stuff.

Come on, Pete, what have you got?

Let's take a look.

This, uh, turtle you murdered.

Shh! Oh, come now. You can't keep secrets in this place.

OK, let's have a look. What have we got?

Uh, ah. Do either of you two speak Spanish?

Un petit peu.

There we go.

Good. We need a couple of men to infiltrate a heavily armed and ruthless

Colombian drugs cartel in East London.

Spanish!

Thought you said Italian.

OK. What about this?

Two officers needed to help out with Operation Snow White.

Sounds all right. What is it?

Investigating the manufacturer of a new drug called Snow White.

When you snort it, it makes you sneezy. Then you're happy.

Then you get dopey and sleepy. And then you get so grumpy you have to be the

doctor. It takes ages to get these nodes, you know. Yeah, yeah. Put us down

that one. Let's start right away. OK. Sign for it. Make it efficient.

Hang on a sec.

What's this one?

What one?

Operation Naughty Schoolgirl.

I'm dealing with that one.

A kit of marijuana found in the dormitory of Hayden Public School for

Get that back, Louis.

That'll do for us, Dave.

No, no, no. It's out of the question. Peter, Peter, Peter. I think you should

let us do this one.

Otherwise, we will tell the Chief Super how much work you have been taking home

in the evenings.

As you say, Peter.

You can't keep secrets round here.

By the way, you forgot basketball.

You see, Bob, every cloud has a silver lining.

All that stuff about peanuts killing turtles. My wife's tale.

Urban myth.

I bet you right now that turtle swimming around in some fish tank, picking his

little legs, thinking, Mmm, that Kit Kat was lovely.

Changed into seaweed.

Smell, Bob.

Smell. I mean...

How do they know? How do they know? Exactly.

Has Jacques Cousteau done special tests with nuts and Kit Kats, has he?

I somehow doubt it. The only reason that turtles only eat seaweed is because

there is nothing else to eat. There is nothing else. They can't nip to the

and buy a Kit Kat. That would be ridiculous.

And besides, we have enough problems opening a Kit Kat. How will a turtle

it? Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, I reckon we're in the clear. Off like a dirty shirt.

Anyway, if that turtle had died, we wouldn't have heard by now.

Myrtle the turtle has died.

The turtle, which was discovered in a crate at Heathrow Airport, died suddenly

on the way to London Zoo, where she was to be prepared for shipment back to the

Galapagos Islands.

The animal, which had quickly become a symbol of conservation to the nation's

children, will undergo a post -mortem examination later today.

You know, Bob, this is the sort of assignment I've always dreamed of.

An assignment that comes once in a lifetime.

We are about to interview dozens of young girls in school uniform.

So why is it that when I close my eyes, all I can see is turtles?

Stop torturing us. You're doing it on tortoise purpose.

It's just a turtle.

But we cut her down in a prime.

She was only 357.

She had her whole life ahead of her.

What's the matter with you?

We just had Banford Circle's death.

I heard on the news that there were still two turtles left, both male.

Like me and you swimming around in the Indian Ocean saying, don't fancy yours

much.

Can't even have a decent game of bridge.

No, no. It's said on that leaflet that these turtles are sexually active for

years. So?

So, in 400 years' time, some space scientist can perform a sex change

on one of the turtles and, well, problem solved.

If you are standing there, imagining some bloke in a spacesuit removing a

turtle's penis, then you are living on cloud cuckoo life.

Hello? Briggs and Louis. We're from the drug squad.

Evidently.

Come in.

Superintendent Cotton.

Found anything?

Have a look.

I wasn't expecting to find anything like this.

This way, gentlemen.

We have quite a liberal regime here. There are only two things we don't

tolerate. Drugs and cruelty to animals.

This is where we found the package.

Camilla claims she knew nothing about it.

Where is she?

In art class.

Should I go and fetch her?

Oh, yeah.

She's always been such a diligent girl.

We all think it couldn't happen to our own daughter, don't we?

Do you have daughters?

No. I never miss live and kicking.

God, a long way from Lancaster Road County Primary, this, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. The nearest I got to home comforts at my school was a cuddle from

knit nurse.

Look at this. A telly.

The turtles were once common in the coastal waters of Argentina.

Now, with the death of Myrtle, the entire species looks set to be wiped off

face of the planet.

All this fuss about a turtle.

If it had been an old -age pensioner, nobody would have batted an aisle.

If it had been an old -age pensioner, she wouldn't have choked on a bit of Kit

Kat.

Are you real policemen?

They don't come realer than us.

You're not very sexy.

Clear off. Go and do some colouring.

You're older than my dad.

You're older than our gardener.

Clear off.

Well, they weren't very impressive, were they?

Girls of that age talking about sex?

Do you know, I was 17 before I had my hands inside my first bra.

And then it was hanging from a washing line.

My mum told me it was a jelly mould.

This is Camilla.

Mmm!

All the classic tell -tale signs.

Dalated pupils?

I happen to have been crying.

Probably going through a cold turtle.

Turkey. That's fine, because I just saw the news.

My clover.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right.

Turtles die.

Facts are life.

Death has to come to everyone.

Except Barbara Cartland.

Should I leave you to it?

Yeah, best dad.

So, Camilla, what about this marijuana?

It's a plant.

Yes, we know it's a plant.

of drug squad officers.

It's green and spindly like a potato.

No, it's more like a tomato, actually.

No, I mean it was planted in my room.

Oh, God, God, God.

Surely you don't expect two seasoned, hardened drug squad coppers to

I don't take drugs.

I've never taken drugs.

I'm the only girl in the sixth form who doesn't.

Don't you see? That's the reason why they put the stuff in my room. Because I

threatened to report them.

What did the policeman call it?

When somebody makes out that somebody did something when they didn't do it at

all.

Pretty pickle.

A frame -up. It's a frame -up. No, no, no, no.

What is a sweet, innocent little girl like you doing using a word like frame

-up? It's the truth.

What is it we kid the day, Dave?

When I was your age, I was riding round on me bike with a jam jar full of

tadpoles down me shorts.

This isn't a jelly mould to you anymore, is it, my dear?

If you really want to know about drugs in this school, you should go and see

Hawthorne. Who?

Mr Hawthorne, the art teacher.

Except he likes us to call him Ben because he's so trendy.

Oh, stupid. Stupid girls here fancy him.

Ah. The eternal love triangle.

Who fancies him?

There's Katie and Tatiana.

The eternal love rectangle.

And Claire and Sarah.

The love pentagon.

That's five.

And Joe and Elaine and Nicky. One more. We've got a dodecahedron.

It's a rhombus of some kind. Not important.

It's Mr Hawthorne.

Go and talk to him.

Ask him about his parties after lights out.

Come on, bub. I think it's time the old Bill and Ben had a bit of a chat.

Have you any idea how embarrassing this is going to be when he gets out?

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes.

My division's going to be a laughing stock.

I'm being interviewed with Anita Roddick in ten minutes.

What am I going to say?

That's not my waist, George.

Aye, old floppy hair and inky fingers.

Come upstairs and see me potato prince.

It's always the art teacher, isn't it? Never the pervert who fires up the

boiler.

Oh, I'm sorry. We were looking for Mr Hawthorne. I'm Mr Hawthorne.

Yes.

I'm afraid it's a bit of an occupational hazard, young 17 -year -old girls

throwing themselves at one.

Oh, me heart bleed.

How occupational hazard is skinhead throwing petrol bombs at one?

It's not really the only one of these about me.

One of them once said it was something to do with my pipe.

Your pipe?

What do you do, stick it down your trousers?

And you say she's accused me of planting drugs in her room?

Yeah, something, uh, about...

Parties after the lights out. Oh, dear.

If only they used as much imagination in their art classes.

I suppose she's making up these stories about me because I rejected her.

You see, the fact is, girls are not exactly my cup of tea, if

you take my meaning.

At this school, they tend to choose their male staff from that small

men who have no interest in the charms of young womanhood.

You mean, you're a train spotter?

No.

Ah.

It's a pity you're not a white -flipped Galapagos turtle.

You'd have a whale of a time.

Sorry. Doesn't matter.

Can I borrow your pipe?

Tatiana? Here.

Jo? Here.

Claire?

And Sarah.

Here.

Right. Now, we want to talk to you about Camilla.

Camilla claims that one of you has planted marijuana in her room.

Oh, poor little Camilla, telling tales again.

She also told us some stories about Mr Hawthorne, who, for some reason,

all of you have a crush on.

of many years standing.

A mature man who still has the spark of joie de vivre

and youthful rebellion in his blood.

Dave, what are you doing?

Investigating a case, Bob?

No, a thing in your mouth.

I've been smoking one of these for years.

Now, where were we? We need to know if there's any truth in the rumours of wild

parties and widespread... Well,

that went well, Sherlock.

You're right, you're odd enough to be those girls' father.

Nothing wrong with a spring and autumn relationship, Bob.

Autumn, Dave, you're boxing day.

Hungover, short and boring.

Come.

Ah, what news?

Camilla says she was framed.

But we've spoken to the girls in the art room and there's no evidence.

Apart from a burn on the parquet floor.

Then I suppose I have no choice other than to expel her.

Well, couldn't you just give her some lines?

In cases involving drugs, I would have thought that giving lines was a rather

unfortunate suggestion.

I suppose you two can head back to London.

Er, not yet, no.

Why not?

Things to do. What things?

All complicated police things. They take quite a time.

Yeah, what he's trying to say is one or two little things that need, you know,

tidying up.

Like burns on the parquet floor. And as they told us at police college, a case

isn't closed until the fat lady sings.

Have a little get -together tonight at around midnight.

Put the word around, will you? Yes, then.

We'll be there.

I wonder what the super's doing right now.

He's probably on the six o 'clock news.

Looked probably famous by now.

PC Peanut and the Kit Kat Kid.

You and I have done some pretty stupid things in our time.

I don't think we've rid the world of an entire life form before.

I once killed a hedgehog in me car.

What was you doing in your car?

Well, these things can't get any worse, can they?

What's happening? When? Where? I'm meeting him tonight, around midnight, in

gym. Excellent. All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Smoking at their age.

You smoked at their age?

That was different.

Wasn't bad for you in those days.

I remember for my 14th birthday, I got 200 capstan full strength, a radioactive

watch and a mouth organ made out of lead.

Started to roll around.

By the look of the lipstick, I'd say that's Tatiana's.

And that's definitely Claire.

And this one, I'd say that's Joe.

They'll all be in here around 12.

Hey, Dave, remember the Duke of Edinburgh's award scheme?

It should be called the Prince Charles Award Scheme. You don't vault the horse,

you leave your wife and have an affair with one.

The bells, the bells.

It's a copper's hunch.

Well, what?

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Young lady, as drug squad officers of many years standing, I think you can

depend on us to do what's best.

When the moment comes, we will spring into action like a... Like a

gazelle? A panther?

A dead turtle?

Get me down, would you, Bob?

Well, if you will play Sally Gunnell.

Seriously, mate, if you could.

What a little handy -wandy.

I think maybe I should stay.

I've got an idea.

Come in.

Sorry to bother you, I'm Superintendent Cotton. I was told DC's Briggs and Louis

were here.

What? I know they're in the ground somewhere.

They said they had some loose ends.

Do you want me to go and look for them? I'm sure I'll find them.

I have a little surprise here for them, you see.

Where is he?

He'll be here. I hate this place. It gives me the creeps.

I just feel like someone's watching me.

Hello, girls.

Look, I've just heard there's another policeman sniffing around.

Who are you?

You haven't seen...

Here. How did Richard Attenborough escape from coldage in one of these?

Now isn't this pleasant?

Relaxing, by the way.

Hurry up, Ben.

We've got to be quick.

Back.

We have to go back.

We have to go up the sideway.

This is what God of the Daleks, you know.

Excuse me.

You haven't seen my two detectives around, have you?

I'm afraid we haven't.

Right.

I know that smell.

Yes, well, I think that's the evening's lesson over with, girls. That's

marijuana.

Camilla, you should be happy.

You're in the clear.

I don't care about that.

I'm crying for poor Myrtle.

You really shouldn't upset yourself, Camilla.

We found out it isn't really a white -flipped Galapagos turtle after all.

The smugglers just took an ordinary turtle and painted its flippers white to

increase the value.

That's why I came here.

To tell these two the good news.

She was still a beautiful living creature and someone killed her.

Oh, come, Camilla.

Think of the good that's come of it.

After all, we're rid of Mr Hawthorne.

Oh.

How did she die, Superintendent?

Was she suffocated in the crate?

No, no, no.

Did she starve to death?

No, she was fed.

What then?

Heart attack.

Poor thing.

Kit Kat.