All language subtitles for The Detectives s04e03 Back To Class

The Galapagos white -flippered turtle
can live to the age of 500 years and

can still be sexually active after 400
years.

Sounds like Joanna Lumley.

Dirty old bugger.

Have we got the right end?

You know, when she did stick out her
head for dindids, she looked a bit like

you.

About time.

Our shift finished two hours ago.

There's a lot of journalists out there.
They all want the story.

Yeah, well, we waited half a day,
babysitting a crash helmet.

How's she been?

Oh, fine. She made a mad dash for the
door, but we managed to wrestle her to

ground.

She's proud to be a copper for once,
doesn't it?

I'm filling up.

Just a minute.

There are only three of these left in
the whole world. If we hadn't

that illegal shipment, the entire
species might have become extinct.

A lot of men spent a lot of hours saving
this little beauty.

If I may say so, sir, in entertainment
value alone, she earns her place in the

great tapestry that is the animal
kingdom.

Can we go now?

The head keeper of London Zoo will be
here any moment.

I've laid on a motorcycle escort.

What's the hurry?

She's due a feed.

Apparently, she's a very delicate
creature with a very special diet. If

anything other than java shoots and a
special sort of seaweed, she'll

die.

Yeah,

it's all to do with her specially
evolved digestive system.

What, like, um... I'm going to be
interviewed on Newsround.

Saviour of the environment.

Sir, we'll be off.

Aren't you stopping for the press
conference?

We'll just make tracks. We don't want to
steal all the limelight.

It's your day, sir. You take all the
glory.

It just said, warning, small children
can choke on peanuts. Nothing about

turtles. But it wouldn't hurt.

One peanut wouldn't hurt her. It wasn't
one peanut. It was a handful.

And you gave her some of your Kit Kat.
She loved the Kit Kat.

Well, you would, wouldn't you, after 500
years of seaweed?

Maybe she's not dead. I mean, she didn't
roll over and go, ah, or anything.

We are just going to have to face facts.

We have created the world's biggest
ashtray.

We've got to get out of here.

We can't run away and hide, can we?

No, you're right.

We need a what's -it.

A raison d 'art.

Got it.

I know. Let's go and see Pete the
pusher. Oh, brilliant.

Peter, look at this.

Pure, unadulterated.

100 % Colombian cocaine.

You don't need all this fancy equipment
to tell you that.

Extracted from the rectum of a Peruvian
smuggler.

So, what do I owe this rare pleasure? If
C Division are trying another party, my

purple hearts are not for sale. Not
after last time. We need a favour.

We've just got to get away for a few
days, as far as possible.

Try something to this.

To be sent on a journey through the
stars.

and land on Uranus. Come on, Pete, you
must have something. The drug squad

always need a help. I'm a sudden desire
to be helpful.

I've just got to get out of the office
for a couple of days.

Try the vice squad.

No, we're barred from the vice squad.
Oh, yes, the Bishop of Durham incident.

That wasn't our fault.

Look, just give us a routine follow -up
or a search, anything.

So what exactly have you two done this
time?

Nothing, nothing.

Come on, right in my day.

Honestly. Nothing.

Well, if you don't tell me, I'm afraid I
can't help you.

OK, all right, you really must know.

I just killed a rare giant turtle.

With some nuts.

And a Kit Kat.

You know, with you two around, there's
no need for all of this stuff.

Come on, Pete, what have you got?

Let's take a look.

This, uh, turtle you murdered.

Shh! Oh, come now. You can't keep
secrets in this place.

OK, let's have a look. What have we got?

Uh, ah. Do either of you two speak
Spanish?

Un petit peu.

There we go.

Good. We need a couple of men to
infiltrate a heavily armed and ruthless

Colombian drugs cartel in East London.

Spanish!

Thought you said Italian.

OK. What about this?

Two officers needed to help out with
Operation Snow White.

Sounds all right. What is it?

Investigating the manufacturer of a new
drug called Snow White.

When you snort it, it makes you sneezy.
Then you're happy.

Then you get dopey and sleepy. And then
you get so grumpy you have to be the

doctor. It takes ages to get these
nodes, you know. Yeah, yeah. Put us down

that one. Let's start right away. OK.
Sign for it. Make it efficient.

Hang on a sec.

What's this one?

What one?

Operation Naughty Schoolgirl.

I'm dealing with that one.

A kit of marijuana found in the
dormitory of Hayden Public School for

Get that back, Louis.

That'll do for us, Dave.

No, no, no. It's out of the question.
Peter, Peter, Peter. I think you should

let us do this one.

Otherwise, we will tell the Chief Super
how much work you have been taking home

in the evenings.

As you say, Peter.

You can't keep secrets round here.

By the way, you forgot basketball.

You see, Bob, every cloud has a silver
lining.

All that stuff about peanuts killing
turtles. My wife's tale.

Urban myth.

I bet you right now that turtle swimming
around in some fish tank, picking his

little legs, thinking, Mmm, that Kit Kat
was lovely.

Changed into seaweed.

Smell, Bob.

Smell. I mean...

How do they know? How do they know?
Exactly.

Has Jacques Cousteau done special tests
with nuts and Kit Kats, has he?

I somehow doubt it. The only reason that
turtles only eat seaweed is because

there is nothing else to eat. There is
nothing else. They can't nip to the

and buy a Kit Kat. That would be
ridiculous.

And besides, we have enough problems
opening a Kit Kat. How will a turtle

it? Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, I reckon we're in the clear. Off
like a dirty shirt.

Anyway, if that turtle had died, we
wouldn't have heard by now.

Myrtle the turtle has died.

The turtle, which was discovered in a
crate at Heathrow Airport, died suddenly

on the way to London Zoo, where she was
to be prepared for shipment back to the

Galapagos Islands.

The animal, which had quickly become a
symbol of conservation to the nation's

children, will undergo a post -mortem
examination later today.

You know, Bob, this is the sort of
assignment I've always dreamed of.

An assignment that comes once in a
lifetime.

We are about to interview dozens of
young girls in school uniform.

So why is it that when I close my eyes,
all I can see is turtles?

Stop torturing us. You're doing it on
tortoise purpose.

It's just a turtle.

But we cut her down in a prime.

She was only 357.

She had her whole life ahead of her.

What's the matter with you?

We just had Banford Circle's death.

I heard on the news that there were
still two turtles left, both male.

Like me and you swimming around in the
Indian Ocean saying, don't fancy yours

much.

Can't even have a decent game of bridge.

No, no. It's said on that leaflet that
these turtles are sexually active for

years. So?

So, in 400 years' time, some space
scientist can perform a sex change

on one of the turtles and, well, problem
solved.

If you are standing there, imagining
some bloke in a spacesuit removing a

turtle's penis, then you are living on
cloud cuckoo life.

Hello? Briggs and Louis. We're from the
drug squad.

Evidently.

Come in.

Superintendent Cotton.

Found anything?

Have a look.

I wasn't expecting to find anything like
this.

This way, gentlemen.

We have quite a liberal regime here.
There are only two things we don't

tolerate. Drugs and cruelty to animals.

This is where we found the package.

Camilla claims she knew nothing about
it.

Where is she?

In art class.

Should I go and fetch her?

Oh, yeah.

She's always been such a diligent girl.

We all think it couldn't happen to our
own daughter, don't we?

Do you have daughters?

No. I never miss live and kicking.

God, a long way from Lancaster Road
County Primary, this, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. The nearest I got to home
comforts at my school was a cuddle from

knit nurse.

Look at this. A telly.

The turtles were once common in the
coastal waters of Argentina.

Now, with the death of Myrtle, the
entire species looks set to be wiped off

face of the planet.

All this fuss about a turtle.

If it had been an old -age pensioner,
nobody would have batted an aisle.

If it had been an old -age pensioner,
she wouldn't have choked on a bit of Kit

Kat.

Are you real policemen?

They don't come realer than us.

You're not very sexy.

Clear off. Go and do some colouring.

You're older than my dad.

You're older than our gardener.

Clear off.

Well, they weren't very impressive, were
they?

Girls of that age talking about sex?

Do you know, I was 17 before I had my
hands inside my first bra.

And then it was hanging from a washing
line.

My mum told me it was a jelly mould.

This is Camilla.

Mmm!

All the classic tell -tale signs.

Dalated pupils?

I happen to have been crying.

Probably going through a cold turtle.

Turkey. That's fine, because I just saw
the news.

My clover.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right.

Turtles die.

Facts are life.

Death has to come to everyone.

Except Barbara Cartland.

Should I leave you to it?

Yeah, best dad.

So, Camilla, what about this marijuana?

It's a plant.

Yes, we know it's a plant.

of drug squad officers.

It's green and spindly like a potato.

No, it's more like a tomato, actually.

No, I mean it was planted in my room.

Oh, God, God, God.

Surely you don't expect two seasoned,
hardened drug squad coppers to

I don't take drugs.

I've never taken drugs.

I'm the only girl in the sixth form who
doesn't.

Don't you see? That's the reason why
they put the stuff in my room. Because I

threatened to report them.

What did the policeman call it?

When somebody makes out that somebody
did something when they didn't do it at

all.

Pretty pickle.

A frame -up. It's a frame -up. No, no,
no, no.

What is a sweet, innocent little girl
like you doing using a word like frame

-up? It's the truth.

What is it we kid the day, Dave?

When I was your age, I was riding round
on me bike with a jam jar full of

tadpoles down me shorts.

This isn't a jelly mould to you anymore,
is it, my dear?

If you really want to know about drugs
in this school, you should go and see

Hawthorne. Who?

Mr Hawthorne, the art teacher.

Except he likes us to call him Ben
because he's so trendy.

Oh, stupid. Stupid girls here fancy him.

Ah. The eternal love triangle.

Who fancies him?

There's Katie and Tatiana.

The eternal love rectangle.

And Claire and Sarah.

The love pentagon.

That's five.

And Joe and Elaine and Nicky. One more.
We've got a dodecahedron.

It's a rhombus of some kind. Not
important.

It's Mr Hawthorne.

Go and talk to him.

Ask him about his parties after lights
out.

Come on, bub. I think it's time the old
Bill and Ben had a bit of a chat.

Have you any idea how embarrassing this
is going to be when he gets out?

I wouldn't like to be in your shoes.

My division's going to be a laughing
stock.

I'm being interviewed with Anita Roddick
in ten minutes.

What am I going to say?

That's not my waist, George.

Aye, old floppy hair and inky fingers.

Come upstairs and see me potato prince.

It's always the art teacher, isn't it?
Never the pervert who fires up the

boiler.

Oh, I'm sorry. We were looking for Mr
Hawthorne. I'm Mr Hawthorne.

Yes.

I'm afraid it's a bit of an occupational
hazard, young 17 -year -old girls

throwing themselves at one.

Oh, me heart bleed.

How occupational hazard is skinhead
throwing petrol bombs at one?

It's not really the only one of these
about me.

One of them once said it was something
to do with my pipe.

Your pipe?

What do you do, stick it down your
trousers?

And you say she's accused me of planting
drugs in her room?

Yeah, something, uh, about...

Parties after the lights out. Oh, dear.

If only they used as much imagination in
their art classes.

I suppose she's making up these stories
about me because I rejected her.

You see, the fact is, girls are not
exactly my cup of tea, if

you take my meaning.

At this school, they tend to choose
their male staff from that small

men who have no interest in the charms
of young womanhood.

You mean, you're a train spotter?

No.

Ah.

It's a pity you're not a white -flipped
Galapagos turtle.

You'd have a whale of a time.

Sorry. Doesn't matter.

Can I borrow your pipe?

Tatiana? Here.

Jo? Here.

Claire?

And Sarah.

Here.

Right. Now, we want to talk to you about
Camilla.

Camilla claims that one of you has
planted marijuana in her room.

Oh, poor little Camilla, telling tales
again.

She also told us some stories about Mr
Hawthorne, who, for some reason,

all of you have a crush on.

of many years standing.

A mature man who still has the spark of
joie de vivre

and youthful rebellion in his blood.

Dave, what are you doing?

Investigating a case, Bob?

No, a thing in your mouth.

I've been smoking one of these for
years.

Now, where were we? We need to know if
there's any truth in the rumours of wild

parties and widespread... Well,

that went well, Sherlock.

You're right, you're odd enough to be
those girls' father.

Nothing wrong with a spring and autumn
relationship, Bob.

Autumn, Dave, you're boxing day.

Hungover, short and boring.

Come.

Ah, what news?

Camilla says she was framed.

But we've spoken to the girls in the art
room and there's no evidence.

Apart from a burn on the parquet floor.

Then I suppose I have no choice other
than to expel her.

Well, couldn't you just give her some
lines?

In cases involving drugs, I would have
thought that giving lines was a rather

unfortunate suggestion.

I suppose you two can head back to
London.

Er, not yet, no.

Why not?

Things to do. What things?

All complicated police things. They take
quite a time.

Yeah, what he's trying to say is one or
two little things that need, you know,

tidying up.

Like burns on the parquet floor. And as
they told us at police college, a case

isn't closed until the fat lady sings.

Have a little get -together tonight at
around midnight.

Put the word around, will you? Yes,
then.

We'll be there.

I wonder what the super's doing right
now.

He's probably on the six o 'clock news.

Looked probably famous by now.

PC Peanut and the Kit Kat Kid.

You and I have done some pretty stupid
things in our time.

I don't think we've rid the world of an
entire life form before.

I once killed a hedgehog in me car.

What was you doing in your car?

Well, these things can't get any worse,
can they?

What's happening? When? Where? I'm
meeting him tonight, around midnight, in

gym. Excellent. All right, I'll see you
later. Bye.

Smoking at their age.

You smoked at their age?

That was different.

Wasn't bad for you in those days.

I remember for my 14th birthday, I got
200 capstan full strength, a radioactive

watch and a mouth organ made out of
lead.

Started to roll around.

By the look of the lipstick, I'd say
that's Tatiana's.

And that's definitely Claire.

And this one, I'd say that's Joe.

They'll all be in here around 12.

Hey, Dave, remember the Duke of
Edinburgh's award scheme?

It should be called the Prince Charles
Award Scheme. You don't vault the horse,

you leave your wife and have an affair
with one.

The bells, the bells.

It's a copper's hunch.

Well, what?

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Young lady, as drug squad officers of
many years standing, I think you can

depend on us to do what's best.

When the moment comes, we will spring
into action like a... Like a

gazelle? A panther?

A dead turtle?

Get me down, would you, Bob?

Well, if you will play Sally Gunnell.

Seriously, mate, if you could.

What a little handy -wandy.

I think maybe I should stay.

I've got an idea.

Come in.

Sorry to bother you, I'm Superintendent
Cotton. I was told DC's Briggs and Louis

were here.

What? I know they're in the ground
somewhere.

They said they had some loose ends.

Do you want me to go and look for them?
I'm sure I'll find them.

I have a little surprise here for them,
you see.

Where is he?

He'll be here. I hate this place. It
gives me the creeps.

I just feel like someone's watching me.

Hello, girls.

Look, I've just heard there's another
policeman sniffing around.

Who are you?

You haven't seen...

Here. How did Richard Attenborough
escape from coldage in one of these?

Now isn't this pleasant?

Relaxing, by the way.

Hurry up, Ben.

We've got to be quick.

Back.

We have to go back.

We have to go up the sideway.

This is what God of the Daleks, you
know.

Excuse me.

You haven't seen my two detectives
around, have you?

I'm afraid we haven't.

Right.

I know that smell.

Yes, well, I think that's the evening's
lesson over with, girls. That's

marijuana.

Camilla, you should be happy.

You're in the clear.

I don't care about that.

I'm crying for poor Myrtle.

You really shouldn't upset yourself,
Camilla.

We found out it isn't really a white
-flipped Galapagos turtle after all.

The smugglers just took an ordinary
turtle and painted its flippers white to

increase the value.

That's why I came here.

To tell these two the good news.

She was still a beautiful living
creature and someone killed her.

Oh, come, Camilla.

Think of the good that's come of it.

After all, we're rid of Mr Hawthorne.

Oh.

How did she die, Superintendent?

Was she suffocated in the crate?

No, no, no.

Did she starve to death?

No, she was fed.

What then?

Heart attack.

Poor thing.

Kit Kat.