Original subtitles

Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you.

Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you.

Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you.

Hand over your

handbag or I'll hit you.

No, too posh.

What about this one?

Fire extinguisher.

One of the great ideas is this one. There's nothing wrong with my ears!

Hand over your hand, Bagger, or I'll hit you.

No, he had a funny accent.

Oi!

Aye, aye.

Say it.

Say what?

Say, hand over your hand, Bagger, or I'll hit you.

Are you saying that your assailant had a Birmingham accent? Yes, like his.

Whining, flat, nasal, brummy accent that sounded like a hoover with a full

dustbag. It was you, wasn't it?

Eh? It was. It was you. Same eyes.

No, no, no, no.

I'm a police officer.

That is a fire extinguisher and these are the suspects.

You horrible...

How does it look?

How does what look?

What am I supposed to be looking at? This.

This is your fault. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can just see it.

Now, not only have you got the sex drive of a Chinese panda, you're starting to

look like one.

It's a skinhead, all right?

Yeah, yeah. Skinhead. Fine.

We were breaking up a pub brawl and a skinhead hit me with a soda siphon. OK.

OK.

Your secret is safe with me.

My lips are sealed.

Sir, sir, look at Bob's eye.

It was beaten up by a 75 -year -old lady. You should have seen it. It was

hilarious. Do you want one of these? Do you want one of these? Now, lads, lads.

We can't let these silly arguments interfere with the smooth running of the

team, can we?

Team. So how's the Father Christmas investigation going?

Oh, Bob's keeping an eye on it.

Good Joe Briggs, keeping an eye on things.

But seriously, Bob, over to you.

Well, we did this line -up and we established through the victim that the

perpetrator had a Birmingham accent like mine. Good work, Louis.

Right, now, at our end, we've discovered there have been three other muggings in

the same area carried out by a man dressed as Father Christmas.

I've decided to call him the Father Christmas Mugger.

Nice accent.

And we think he might be working as a Father Christmas in one of the local

department stores.

We've drawn up a list of names and addresses.

So we send someone round to interview him and find the one with the Birmingham

accent. Thanks to your good work, Louis. Yes, we can.

We can certainly use that vital clue which you uncovered to wrap this case

I was there too, sir.

Indeed you were, thanks.

And your help is much appreciated.

You've both done extremely well. If we weren't all men, I'd give you a little

cuddle.

You're OK, sir?

Me? Yes, I'm fine.

And you're fine.

You're more than fine. You're fine, fine officers and good, good men.

So tomorrow morning, if you could just nip round to these addresses and talk to

these men, that would be fine.

What? Suddenly, the mist begins to clear.

I don't know what you mean.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

Tomorrow being Christmas Day.

Christmas Day?

Is it?

December the 25th.

Same as it has been for 2 ,000 years.

Just doesn't feel like Christmas this year, does it?

Where are you going?

We made a deal last year.

No more Christmases. For the last 25 years, me and him have worked more

Christmases than Noel Edmonds.

Lads, please.

No. On moral, religious and ethical grounds, we refuse.

We're going to spend the next three days getting unconscious on sherry, cheap

lager and watching unscrambled porno movies on satellite telly, just like

everyone else.

But nobody else will do it.

Exactly.

But you've got nothing else to do.

I think we'll pretend we didn't hear that. Shall we, Robert?

I'm sorry, lads. Look, come back.

We continue to fight the forces of evil until the end of our shift at 5 .30.

And then it's officially Christmas.

I love this time of year.

Yeah. You know me, Dave. Hard, steely. Well, you have to be.

But at this time of year...

The delighted faces of the little children. The twinkle of the Christmas

The overwhelming smell of alcohol on office workers' breasts.

Vomit on the pavement.

Yeah.

Oh, the smell of chestnuts roasting in an open fire.

Nothing like it.

You got a licence for this?

You are nicked.

Sorry.

It's your lucky day.

Oh.

Sir. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

So,

what you got planned?

Me? Yeah.

Oh.

You know. What?

The usual.

You got people coming round?

Yeah.

Don't make this tape like they used to, do you?

Pack it in, mate!

So, you're on your own, then?

Cos I am.

I haven't really thought about it.

No?

No, no. Can't bear all that fuss.

Cooking. Christmas decorations.

Sitting around an open fire with your loved ones.

Watching the little tykes opening their presents.

Oh, nothing planned.

That's why I like it.

Spontaneous. Exactly.

Will there be another menu master ready -cooked meal down at the SO station?

Or not.

Dave?

What? Don't suppose you fancy... Coming over?

Well, yeah.

To yours?

Well, you know, if you fancy.

It's a bit short notice, isn't it? Well, if it's a problem.

Well, you know, I just have to make a few phone calls. You can always use my

phone. Why not?

Why the heck not?

Spontaneity.

Spontaneity. We can go now.

We can have a few cans.

We can have turkey.

The oven's bust. We'll grill it. Or fry it. We can do what we want. Exactly.

I was going to give you this now, but I'll give you it tomorrow morning.

Great.

Oh, but this time on Christmas Eve, we were lucky to get that.

A one -legged turkey.

Probably lost it trying to escape.

Look at the Steve McQueen of the turkey world.

Well, I'll have his leg and you can suck his walking stick.

By the time he's cooked, we'll probably be legless anyway.

Right. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Sorry to have kept you. What can I get you?

I'll have six of these, please.

Oh, you do know that with every three you buy of those, you get one free?

Really?

So, we've got six, but we get two more free. That's right.

Go on then, Bob.

You know, Dave, we've got eight pounds, right?

Yeah. If we buy another one, we can get three free.

It's true.

Er...

We'll have nine cans, please, miss.

And these three are free.

Great, isn't it?

Come on, we've got 12 cans, right?

Well, threes into 12 goes four.

We should have four free ones.

Sir, you want to pay for 12 and have four free?

Four free?

Sixteen. If we buy two more, we get sixty ones.

We only came in for six.

We've got them for nothing.

With the money we've saved, we can buy six more.

Oh, Jesus.

Excuse me, miss.

I can't work out, if we've just saved so much money, why is it I've only got 78

pence to see me through the rest of Christmas?

It's called supply -side economics.

Trickle down.

It's all to do with the emu.

Still, he needs Christmas.

Yeah. Hey, and what do you need money for, anyway?

We've got everything we need for the next week here in our hands.

Bird with one leg, 76 cans of lager.

What I need now to make my Christmas complete will be world peace and an

electric screwdriver.

You know, when I was little, I thought my dad was Father Christmas.

Why? Did he dress up?

No.

I only ever saw him once a year.

You know, I've known you for 25 years, and I never thought of you as having

family.

I always thought you were sort of knitted or something.

Yes, I had been.

Here, it's your turn to old Long John Silver.

Christmas is a time for families.

Not for me, it isn't.

They don't call me, I don't call them.

Saves a fortune on presents, you know.

Sorry I spoke.

In fact, I hope I never set eyes on any of my family ever again.

He has no look that terrible, does he?

So, Santa. Sorry.

Sorry, mate.

Well, at least it'll be easier to get in the frying pan.

I'll get it in my toaster now.

He's a man!

He's a thief!

Here, where are you going?

All right, sunshine!

Cuff him! I haven't got any handcuffs!

Yes, you have. I'll buy you a pair for Christmas from Anne Summer.

Nice paper. Get on with it.

Give me this wristband.

Here we are. Merry Christmas, Santa.

He stole my bag.

It's all right, love. We're coppers. We've been looking for him.

I think you'll find this is yours.

Stop hitting him. That's our job.

All right, Bob.

Thanks for seeing you, eh?

Very nice, Bob.

You can just shut it.

And they say crime doesn't pay.

What? Nicky Nandbags off old ladies? Catch me up the streets.

If you're going to beat him up, let me get these things off first.

Give us a kiss then, Bob.

What would Mum say, eh?

Let's think.

She'd have said, keep the cash, ditch the cards, burn the bag, say you were

me.

Well, what would Dad say?

Yours were mine.

Yeah.

You all thought I didn't know, didn't you?

I always wondered why I was the only one in the family who didn't look like a

lizard.

And then on the 14th birthday, I looked in the mirror and I said,

I've seen that face on me before.

It was the spit of the bloody window cleaner.

That'd be bloody ridiculous. It looked nothing like the milkman.

So it was the milkman.

No wonder I always wake up early.

The office.

Dear move.

Hey, Bob.

What?

You haven't got a bit of steak for me, have you?

There you go.

We know when you're finished.

We need them for the stock.

Bob, I know you're lonely, but you can't take prisoners home for Christmas.

What am I supposed to do?

Is that where you keep it?

I can't. I just can't. Not on Christmas Eve.

Well, I'll do it. He's not my brother.

Half -brother.

Is that why you half -arrested him?

It's a half -arrest.

This isn't a house. It's a flat.

Look, look, it's just till after Christmas.

A prisoner is for life, you know, Bob.

I mean, he may be sweet and cuddly now.

Anyway, he'll escape.

Oh, no.

He won't escape.

He's escaped.

I'll handle this.

Kelvin. You can have a leg.

Hang on.

You are aware that you are offering him the leg.

Honest.

Honest. Cross your arm, hope to die.

Cross my arm, hope to die.

Hope to die in a cellar full of rats.

Cellar full of rats.

Swimming pool full of dead wife ones.

Naturally.

You've got your fingers crossed.

Well, I'm glad we managed to resolve that in mature and adequate fashion.

So, uh, how'd you get your black eye then, Bob?

Skinhead in a pub.

Hit me with a soda siphon.

You're lucky.

What am I going to tell everybody?

An old lady hit me with her handbag.

Make something up.

Some ridiculous liar like a skinhead in a pub.

Hit you with a soda siphon.

What's the matter with him, Spunkay?

Spunkay?

You. You can just shut up. Sorry. Is that what you used to call him?

Never mind.

Sandwich? No thanks.

Spunkay.

Anyway.

Bags of the ice stuffed a turkey.

Remember Christmas dinner when we were kids?

Past the Marmite.

Spunky.

We couldn't afford a proper title, could we?

Mum used to take the door off and put it across two dustbins.

The whole family sat around that door.

I was the littlest, so I always got the handle.

One year the turkey was so small, it fell through the litter box.

I expect it was the same at Balmoral.

Mum did her best, you know.

Yeah.

She did her best.

God bless her.

Ten of us to look after.

Ten of you?

I thought you said you only saw your dad once a year.

Yeah, but we go through a lot of cow.

And milk.

Here's to mum.

Here's to mum.

This is like the unfunny bit at the end of MASH.

Hey, I was 13 before I saw a tangerine. I expect it came as a bit of an anti

-climax, didn't it?

Well, this is lovely, isn't it, eh?

Having the family over for Christmas.

Pity you have to arrest him to get him here.

There you are. You see, Bob? You see? You see? Let him into the house. Yeah,

yeah. You can take the child out of the slum, but you can't take the slum out of

the child. You're calling our house a slum? Don't be daft. It might not have

been a palace, but at least it was clean.

Yeah.

Well, it wasn't really, was it?

No, but at least it was a home.

Yeah. It was a home.

Whose side are you on?

Kelvin?

Go to bed.

Oh. Now!

Take the side by the wall. It's got a slope.

If you wet the bed, it'll drain off.

Night, Kelvin.

Night, John -boy.

I told you.

I told you. I told you.

I put the turkey under the grill.

I suppose the only consolation is that at least now one of us will have the

And I would say, according to natural justice, since I was right and you were

massively and hideously wrong, that I should get the leg.

Get my boot in a minute.

I mean...

They say blood is thicker than water, but you really are thicker than you

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

Happy!

What? What are we going to do with you, eh?

Eh? My triton little soldier, eh?

Oh, I knew it as soon as I set eyes on him.

A wrong 'un.

Rotten apple.

I mean, look at him. Oh, oh, oh. Merry Christmas, everybody.

You only have to look at him to know that he's... You're back.

Kelvin.

You're back. Of course I'm back.

Just nipped out to do a bit of shopping.

Best time to go shopping.

When there's nobody about.

Right, let's see what we've got.

Brandy.

Mid -spice.

Cigars. What have we got here?

Fluffy toy.

Christmas pud.

And a bag of loose shade to put it in.

Rob.

The office.

He could have bought the stuff.

Four o 'clock in the morning.

His son of a milkman gets up early. There's an echo station down the road

24 hours.

And they sell hand -rolled Havana cigars, do they?

If you've got enough tokens.

You can get this jumper if you've got enough tokens. Let's face it, Bob. We

handling stolen goods, eh?

You've got a light.

Oh, no.

You're not laundering stolen property.

of a petrol station you've got.

This is 25 years old.

Well, at least he doesn't nick any new stuff.

Boxing day, we nick him.

Dun -da -da -da!

Dun -da -da -da -da -da!

Hey, will you look at that?

Hey, look at my leg.

It's a bit flat -chested, but look at the breast.

Oh, this is great.

Real turkey.

Real sprouts.

And real metal knives.

Yes, I think I'll do the carving, Kelvin.

Who the hell's that?

Cracker?

Yeah, why not? No cheating.

Who's this, Bob? Another long -lost relative?

No.

No, er... This is my boy.

Superintendent Cotton.

Please.

Call me Frank.

And you are?

This is Calvin, sir.

He's my half -brother. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise you had family round.

Neither did we, sir.

He just dropped in, sir.

My word, Louis.

You're certainly pushing the boat out, aren't you?

So, sir, what brings you round here?

Oh, routine call -out.

Had a couple of break -ins just up the road from here.

Last night.

What happened to your turkey?

Oh, it got run over by a car, sir.

Run over by a car?

We had to flatten it a bit to get it under the grill.

The oven's busted, you see, sir.

Certainly a big turkey.

It's only got one leg.

I'm a breast man myself.

Well...

Nice of you to pop by, sir, but I expect you'll want to get back to Mrs, sir,

won't you?

You would have thought so, wouldn't you?

This time of year, Christmas time, a man should be with his family.

It's funny.

She's not normally a violent woman.

She's just not used to drinking that time of day, that's all.

That's what it is.

When the call -out came, she just went up the wall.

So did the turkey.

It's ironic, isn't it? I worked every hour God sent to buy that steam iron.

And she threw it back in my face.

Still... Nothing like the scent of freshly roasted turkey, is there?

Ah, you tell you what, Frank.

Why not stay here and join us?

Well, that's very kind of you. If it's not too much trouble, Bob.

No, not at all.

No. trouble at all.

Tell me, have you ever thought about the police force, Kelvin?

I'll think about them a lot.

I'll take my advice.

Avoid the police.

I'll do my best, Frank.

It's no job for a married man.

It takes a day. I was dragged away from my family.

For the sake of a few stolen cigars and a couple of bottles of brandy.

Brandy.

Top up, sir.

And this morning, I didn't get home till three o 'clock in the morning this

morning.

Looking for a father Christmas.

With a Burmeringham accent.

Sir?

Yes, Bob?

I've got something to tell you, sir.

What?

You can stop looking for the Father Christmas with a Birmingham accent.

See?

Last night, we caught him.

You caught him?

Yeah.

Yes, sir, we caught him. Yeah.

But you got away.

No. It's all right. I'll tell the story.

We're on our way home, off duty, and we caught him red -handed.

I managed to wrestle him to the ground.

Bob was sort of mincing around and squealing the way he does when he's

this. Just hang on a minute.

Anyway, I've got him.

Half Nelson.

Oh, big bloke. Built like a caravan, but I've got him. Then he thumps me in the

eye, right? Then Bob slips, falls over and he starts crying.

And while I'm trying to comfort Bob, the Father Christmas mugger ups and legs

it. That scene heading towards Houston Station.

Is that right in it, Bob?

Brilliant.

Yes, Dave.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have said it was a Birmingham accent.

When he was shouting, Macy, Macy, it sounded to me more Nottingham than

Birmingham.

That's incredible, Briggs.

Bob will verify my story.

Off -duty copper risks life and turkey in selfless pursuit of dangerous

criminal.

I should have said something earlier.

Oh, you know me, sir.

I don't like to brag.

But I have to say that after the hiding I give him, I don't... I don't think

we'll be seeing him in this manner again.

Do you, Bob?

No, Dave.

Do you, Kelvin?

Oh, definitely not.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas everybody.