Original subtitles

was when the red kite was one of the commonest birds of prey in England. But

now, sadly, due to persecution, pesticides, and, of course, the

egg collectors, there are very, very few breeding pairs of red kites left

anywhere in the whole of Britain.

In fact, until last week, we were absolutely convinced that the only red

sites were in central Wales. But that was before we got the incredibly

news from the Isle of Wight.

Right.

Did you get all that?

Three nil.

God, that was boring.

A dribble down me thigh.

Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Birds.

Royal Society.

Must be a bit rich if you're a pheasant and you see the Duke of Edinburgh coming

at you out of the mist.

Here, click my neck for us, will you?

Excuse me, I understand that you too have volunteered to do the third week of

the vigil, yes?

We haven't volunteered, pal.

Listen, listen, listen. Just, I was absolutely convinced that you got all

information from my lecture.

And it is terribly important.

Look, it's just two birds, one nest, half a dozen eggs, a big tree, me and

standing in the piddling rain looking for egg snatchers who obviously don't

exist. Oh, paper,

where are we going?

The nest's here. Flat bang in the middle of nowhere. There's not even a road.

Well, that's all right. We'll yump.

Lucky for us, I remembered to bring a compass.

Now, where's Magnetic North on this map, eh?

Oh, right little Boy Scouts, aren't we? The Boy Scouts taught me a lot, mate.

The wilderness holds no terrors for the man Arkela dubbed as keen and well

-turned -out.

Right, Bob.

Come on.

Ding -gang -gooey.

kite goes, wee -oo, wee -oo, wee -oo.

So this bird we're freezing our earlobes off trying to protect flies around the

countryside going, wee -oo, wee -oo, wee -oo. Oh, it's higher than that. It's

wee -oo, wee -oo, wee -oo.

That's what we've got to listen out for. So how do we differentiate between a

red kite going wee -oo, wee -oo, wee -oo?

and a farmer getting his arm caught in a threshing machine.

I'm just trying to pass the time.

Just trying to keep your pecker up.

And will you stop those pathetic jokes about birds and bills and peckers and

their eggs in one basket, OK?

Do you want to be an old grouse?

Are you hungry, bud?

Oh, yes, I am, actually, yes.

Fancy a penguin?

I don't know what you're looking out there for.

You can see the nest on the telemonitor up there.

I'm bored with the telemonitor.

It's like watching the shopping channel.

Clever, though, isn't it? How are they doing that?

What?

A little camera in that nest.

It's only that big.

Really? Hmm.

Des Lynham did a thing about it on How Do They Do That.

It's all worked by radio waves.

Radio waves... Come from that net all the way down to that telly there.

Did Desmond Lynham say how far these radio waves, like, stretch?

Don't know. That was Keith.

Dave? Yeah?

I've got an idea.

Still there.

Still there.

It's going to work, Bob. I told you.

Good idea, eh?

Great idea.

Hey, nothing's going to stop us now. It's still there.

It's a cow, bub.

I know it's a bloody cow.

It's still there.

It's still there.

I told you this wouldn't work. Far to go.

All right, boys?

If only this lot knew how much those eggs are worth.

You see, Bob, people in places like this are very backward.

If we tell them the war's over, they'll throw a street party.

Carrot crunches.

Swede mashers.

Goat molesters.

Bumpkins.

And do you know why?

People who live in the country are so thick.

Ain't they?

Inbreeding.

It's as simple as that.

They all marry their own relatives.

I bet there are people in this village who are their own grandfathers.

Oh, yeah.

People with enough brains to open a bottle of aspirin. They all head for the

city.

Is that what you think, Mark?

Is that what you think?

I'm sorry, if that is an accurate summary of the point you were just

have to say I strongly disagree with you.

Oh, there are people who think that vegetables grow on trees.

Oh, no.

People have to pick them up.

Hard work.

Backbreaking.

If you don't put me down in about...

Five seconds.

You will be very, very sorry.

Why is that?

Because my wiry little friend here has recently taken a course in the Japanese

martial art of kendo.

Come on, then.

Kendo art.

needs a little more... Afternoon, Constable.

Usual. Aye.

Constable? Aye, that's the way we do things in the country.

Somebody steps out of line, local Bobby gives them a clip round the ear.

The ear?

I came in to give you a message from your superintendent.

They say there's a team of egg thieves over from Italy.

And they're made in this way.

I read you two should get back to your duties.

You haven't heard the last of this.

Er... Please can we have our telly back?

Oh, unless I'm very much mistaken, that is a short -eared owl.

Yeah, there we are.

Short -eared owl.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Nodded. Ooh.

Ooh.

It's more of a... Ooh.

Ooh.

Where are you going?

I'm going for a wee.

Sorry. I'm going for the wee.

Don't forget I've got the ladder.

Yeah.

What have we here?

Good evening.

Oh, hello.

OK, Professor, what brings you to this neck of the woods?

I was checking, that's all. I was just checking.

Exactly.

You were checking up on us, weren't you?

No, no, no, not at all. You don't trust us, do you?

Look, it's not that I don't trust you. Listen, Mr Egghead Professor.

Me and him are ardent coppers.

Professionals. We've stared death in the face, spat in its eye and kicked it in

the Niagara's.

When you stare down the wrong end of a Baryshnikov and live to tell the tale,

assignments like these are chickens.

Look, I'm sure they are. I'm sure they are. I know all about your record. You

see, I checked with your superintendent and he told me all about you two.

OK. You've heard his side of the story.

The Bishop of Durham wasn't our fault.

And Windsor Castle couldn't have been us.

We don't smoke.

Why don't you go on to your little nest and relax?

There are two coppers in the bush and the birds are in hand.

OK. Fine.

I'm sorry?

That is a mating call of the bearded tit.

I thought you might recognise it.

Right, pal.

Now we've sorted that out, I think I'll get some kip. Pass the sleeping bag.

We take it in turns, remember?

One goes to sleep, one watches the eggs.

OK. I'll watch till four, you can do four till nine. Great.

Well, well, well.

Good God.

That is truly incredible.

Dave, shut up. No, Bob, it's just that I never realised the rich diversity of

bird life you can see in this country.

If you go to Scotland, for example, you might see a black -backed plover.

If you go to parts of Cornwall, you stand a chance of seeing the extremely

elusive Aberfinian white hoopoe.

And if you walk down our road and turn left into the high street, you're

guaranteed to see the extremely common Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Now, shut up!

Well, I never did.

Did you know the difference between a cormorant and a shack?

The cormorant is common to all parts of the British Isles.

But you never get a shag in Wales.

No, I've been camping in Bangor.

Funny word, shag.

Shag.

To an ornithologist, a shag is a seabird.

To an American, a shag is a kind of dance.

To a pipe smoker, shag is a type of tobacco.

To me, it's just a remote possibility.

I don't know.

What? Shut up!

It's all warm and clammy in here. What have you been doing?

I've been out of a tournament.

waiting call.

Oh, that's what you were doing.

I'm starving.

Do you want soldiers with your boiled eggs?

No. Why?

Last night.

What about it?

Why are you on guard?

Did you take a little trip up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire?

Why do you ask?

Bob, there are no eggs.

Of course there are. There's two each.

No, Bob. I'm not referring to the eggs that cost ten pence each.

I'm thinking about... the eggs that cost £10 ,000 each.

Ah!

Ah!

What happened?

Well now, Bob, eggs don't wander off of their own accord, do they?

That could have been free range.

Looks like the red kite is going the way of the dodo, thanks to you.

Well, what are we going to do?

We, Bob.

We?

Did I hear a plural fall from your lips?

I know what I'm going to do. What?

I am going to wander down to the phone box and I am going to telephone the

super. And I am going to tell him that while Rip Van Winkle was on watch, a £40

,000 omelette was stolen.

I know.

I know.

We'll replace the eggs.

Oh, that is a brilliant idea, Bob.

You just pop along to the farm shop.

and get half a dozen red kite eggs. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't be ridiculous.

Where's the book?

Here. The red kite eggs are whitish in colour with

variable yellow markings.

It'll never work. It will. It will.

What happens when they fail to hatch?

We'll be long gone. We can find the next shift.

Come on, then, Tarzan. Open your pop.

Oh, you're just loving this, aren't you?

Oh, no, Bob. I am taking no satisfaction from this whatsoever.

Come on. Give me some legos.

Where are the eggs?

In my pocket. Oh, well, come on. Give them to me. You'll break them climbing

there.

Good thinking.

You've painted a smiley face on this one.

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

OK.

Let's go.

I wasn't ready, OK?

Come on.

Hey, Bob, now you're in trouble. Here comes the bearded tit.

Everything all right, is it?

Fine, fine, fine. Just scaring off magpies. Oh, yes, yes.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Nasty birds, aren't they?

They are all still there, aren't they?

Yes.

It looks to me like they're fine.

Yeah, absolutely fine.

Oh, jolly good. So, obviously you chaps are doing a fine job.

Well, this is pointless.

We're sitting here guarding 40 pence worth of chickens, then.

Oh, my dear.

Well, Bob, you sit here and guard the nest, and I will go and collect some

in me beak.

Where are you going?

The pub.

You can't.

Bob, I would rather watch men tent than stare at that thing any longer.

I never did like that little thing.

Hang on.

Better come with you.

Get a lungful of that.

DDT, Paraquat, Joshua Lindane.

Hey, look.

Little rabbit in there.

Oh, yeah.

Jack Charlton!

I used to have a rabbit as a kid.

Used to sit in the garden eating grass.

Blimey.

What an incredible story.

Yeah.

Used to call him Peter the Rabbit.

Did you ever consider dropping the rabbit bit on account of it being

obvious what he was?

No. Of course, he used to have a cat as well.

Old Peter.

Yeah.

We have five more days stuck out here.

If you're going to tell me any more stories from your childhood...

Could you go through some sort of process where you only pick the ones

remotely interesting?

How come you tune her up at the IED?

It's OK. We've installed some remote control security devices, you know.

Pressure pads, heat sensors, laser beams.

Trembler pad, that sort of stuff.

Well, sounds a bit complicated to me.

You know, it isn't a country.

We're more simple folk.

Oh, you're not simple.

You're just thick.

You're not from round these parts, are you?

No, we're from a little planet on the edge of your galaxy, called Earth.

I hear you were working in that little hide, up by Cooper's Brook.

One of the great secrets, that location, Bob.

I remember when, up there, it was all fields.

It still is.

Oh, wow.

Can you smell silence, Bob?

You see, lads?

I'm a bit of a local character around these parts.

Really? Folks do buy me drink and I tell them anything they want to know about

this historic village.

OK, here's one.

Is there another pub in the village?

What kind of thing are you looking for there?

Any pub where you're not in it.

That's the Queen's Arms.

My old brother Arthur will be there now.

Now, he will tell you a tale or two.

Okay.

Absolutely perfect.

Are you sure those two clowns are leaving today?

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

In a couple of hours, there'll be two real police men up in the hide, and

They can sleep easily in our beds.

They must be nearly ready to hatch, aren't they?

Mm -hm.

Today could be the day.

Yes.

You'll never know how close you came.

We're cowing birds.

they put some poison down for them.

Shut up!

Oh.

Oh. Never mind, Bob. Just think.

This is our last day in the wilderness.

About time I feel like the Birdman of Alcatraz.

Do my neck, will you?

Ah!

In a couple of hours, we'll be back in civilisation.

Up running water.

A matter of... Oh, plump pillows.

Proper food.

Oh, food. I'm just starving. What have we got left?

Out of half of V &E's fancy and, er... the scraping from a bovril jar sound.

Is that all?

There's a big TV lodging stuck to the cap.

I've already sucked that.

I'll tell you what.

Fancy boiled egg?

So if I go up and get them, you'll go and get replacements from the farm shop

before the next shift arrives.

Okay, and you do the mustard decorating.

Here I am.

Okay, off you get.

What are they doing now?

I dread to think.

Uh -oh.

It looks like I underestimated their capacity for incompetence.

Move it. I'm going in.

I'm a dad.