Original subtitles

like the weary dove.

When, oh, when will I find love?

I cannot wait another hour for you to pluck my tender flower.

Was that okay?

25 years.

Yes, Dave, you said.

Tomorrow, Sunday, April 24th, it will be 25 years since we pulled on our itchy

blue trousers and joined the force. And what have we got to show for it?

Nothing. Exactly.

It's the place.

Vice versa, club.

Transvestites only.

Eat, drink and be merry.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

25 years and it's come to this.

Oh, God.

I had me dreams, me ambitions.

You had your hair.

First time you put your helmet on, you looked like a salt shaker.

Do you remember the initiation ceremony?

Wouldn't like to go through that again.

Not with them new sidearm trenches.

My jury wouldn't let blokes like us in nowadays.

It's not enough to be over five foot and free of rickets.

Do you reckon we wouldn't get in if we tried to join today?

It's one of those questions, isn't it?

How long's a yard of ale?

Nobody cares, of course.

What do you want, a medal?

I think there should be a better way to mark your 25th anniversary than being

forced to work undercover in a bondage club in Soho.

A bondage club?

Yeah.

Didn't you read the memo?

You did read the super's memo about tonight, didn't you?

Yes. Well, I think you'll find, if you look a little closer, that he suggested

that for tonight's undercover assignment we wear S &M gear, not

M &S gear.

Could I borrow your nipple clamp?

Police work and marriage do not go together.

I mean, look at me.

Middle -aged man sitting in a bar dressed like John Wayne Saddleback.

Is there a law against walking into a bar wearing just a puncture repair kit?

Get the beers in box.

I've got some sorrows to drown.

And they're wearing water wings.

Ah, mate, time again.

Oh, you got any nuts?

Here.

You can have me uniform.

Think about it.

In 12 hours' time, we could be free.

free to rejoin the human race.

Evening, sir.

Thanks.

Lou?

Sorry, sir, it was a typing error.

What's the matter with you two tonight, anyway?

You seem a bit down.

No, it's nothing, sir.

It's just that him and me, we've been in service longer than the Britannia, and

no one's noticed.

I think that's something we should celebrate, don't you?

Nodder?

Got any champagne on ice? I think that can be arranged.

No, sir!

Congratulations, lads.

25 years on the force and you're still as useless as the day you started.

Celebration time!

is like a weary dove.

When, oh, when will I find your love?

No wonder she shot him, sir.

Forensics say the murder took place at around 11 last night.

The desk sergeant tried to call you. Yes, sir, I was out.

Oh, yes.

Vixen knew his farewell party.

Yes, sir.

You did tell them, didn't you, Frank?

I'll deal with it, sir.

Anyway. If you read the file, you'll see the M .O. for last night's murder is

the same as the other two.

All three victims were male in their forties. And she only picks out those

that are written as poems.

What's this?

We found the same record playing at the scene of all three murders.

Sea of love.

Except for last night she slipped up.

She left a fingerprint on the record.

Anything turn up on the computer?

Nothing.

Is this serious, sir?

Oh, just a little scam that Hopkins came up with.

Hopkins? As a new man of tactical planning.

And you want to get fingerprints from everybody who responds to the ad.

Clever, eh, Frank?

Yes.

Clever old Hopkins.

Oh, and Frank, you won't neglect your other little duty, will you? Sir?

Briggs and Louis.

It's funny.

I've always looked forward to this moment.

And now that he's here... There's no room for men like them in the modern

They've had their 25 years.

I know, I know.

Just give it to them straight, Frank.

I'll tell you what.

That new sidearm truncheon's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Keep wondering.

But it's not as wide.

Yes, Bob, it's good to know you've got me.

Real mate.

If you can truly say that you have got one friend in this world, you are rich

indeed.

And we've got hundreds of them.

All of them out there. All proper mates.

Did you manage to get your underpants off in the end?

Bit of cotton wool and some lighter fluid.

Super glue.

Yeah.

Mates. Good, proper mates.

Best blooming bobbies in Britain.

Sir, I would just like to say on behalf of my colleague and myself that we are

extremely grateful for the kind and touching gesture with which you so

and graciously marked the passing of our momentous anniversary.

I'm smiling now, sir, but when I got home, a little tear, Bob.

I'm not normally emotional, but if I had children, I'd probably call them sir.

After you, sir.

Thank you, Lee.

Did you manage to get your underpants off in the end?

Cotton wool balls, sir.

Yes.

Good. On with another 25 years, sir.

I suppose you've got a little assignment for us.

Not as such.

Look, I suppose I'd better get straight to the point.

The point, sir? Yes, straight in. No messing about.

You've both been with the force 25 years.

25 glorious years. As I said, you've been with us for 25 years.

Have either of you ever seen the film Born Free?

Born Free, sir?

I'm not making this easy.

Sorry, sir?

Nothing. Where was I?

You were talking about Born Free, sir? Yes, Born Free. Now, as you may

if you've seen the film Born Free, after a while, the two lions, Bob and Dave...

The two lions are released to the wild.

Set free.

Have you seen this film recently, sir, and it's made a big impression on you?

You see, they have to go.

The two lions have spent a certain amount of time in the police force.

But after a while, and as much as it may hurt me, the two lions have to shoo.

It's shoo lion.

Do you understand?

Understand what, sir?

The two lions are released to the wild to fend for themselves.

It's nature, you see.

Oh, right.

Good.

Survival of the fittest, law of the jungle.

These people are graduates. It's a whole new breed out there. Dog eat dog.

People like you and me.

We're dinosaurs.

Is there something connected with animals you want us to deal with?

Would I be a million miles away if I get...

That this was some sort of zoo -based project.

We'll do anything if you ask, sir.

I'll be out in a minute.

You mean what, Frank?

We've got a serial killer on the loose, and you choose these two.

They've been working here 25 years already, and I haven't noticed.

They know nothing about the case itself.

For that I can believe.

I'm just using them as bait.

As soon as the Lonely Hearts case is wrapped up, I'll fire them, sir. I

Will this be okay? That's fine, thank you.

Nice place.

Have you ever thought about restaurant work?

No,

sir. Okay, now this is a very simple job. Tonight, one of you has to pretend

be a waiter, and the other one has to sit here and talk to a succession of

single women.

you can take it in turns.

Right then, sir.

What's the plot?

Never you mind.

All you have to do is get fingerprints off of all the women who join you.

Get them to touch something.

Touch something, sir.

You know, women.

Good thing, sir, that you meant... That's part of our bodies.

All we need is hard evidence.

Just get the women to pick up a wine glass.

And as soon as they do, whichever one of you is playing the waiter collects the

glass, takes it back to the kitchen, puts it in a bag and seals it for

Now, do you think you can manage that?

Oh, Hopkins.

What are you doing here? Sorry to butt in, Frank, but I just heard. Heard what,

Hopkins? About your choice of personnel for my little project.

God, it's the SWAT squad.

Oh, pimples and A -levels. It's good of you to show an interest, Hopkins.

Oh, you know how it is, Frank. I like to make sure my little baby is in safe

hands.

Have you given these two the bullet yet?

Hopkins, the bullet found at the scene is what I meant.

What bullet is he talking about, sir?

The bullet.

That was fired.

I haven't told Briggs and Louis anything about the case yet.

Good, good.

Let's keep it that way.

So happens.

You're happy that Briggs and Louis are involved?

Well, I'm sure you experienced officers will have noticed this already, but I

was just thinking.

All the victims were in their late forties. Probably sad.

Lonely, middle -aged men, incapable of forming a lasting relationship.

Harkins, what point are you making? Well, Frank, I was just thinking, your

choice of operatives is absolutely inspired.

Table, sir?

Is this table acceptable, sir?

Bit near the car, eh?

That would be a bondage in this restaurant, sir. Not so far to run.

I'm still a bit dirty.

Oh, yes.

A bit of stale gravy.

Now, would sir like a cocktail or a punch in the face?

Bang, there was a tip.

Oh.

Restaurant's great.

Service is... not very good.

Use a shout if you need me.

Well,

of course, as they say, fresh wine comes in old bottles.

White, fresh booty.

Madame, red old with a big nose.

That will be all. Thank you, Giuseppe.

Just a minute.

Yes, sir?

Nothing.

Perhaps we should raise a toast to us.

Are you all right?

God, she'll think he's got TV.

I loved your poem.

Poem? How did it go?

My heart is like a red, red rose.

Unfortunately, so is his nose.

I haven't finished.

My word, I've got the time.

Go on, on your bike.

Come on.

You haven't touched your drink.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't drink alcohol.

Such as?

Being thick in taxes.

Better stick to water.

Use your water.

How did you know?

I'm psychic.

There's something in this glass.

You're right. What a dreadful restaurant this is. I'd go somewhere else if I

were you.

Go on.

Shoot.

you drink.

I don't like men who drink.

Nor do I.

Here, let's have a drinking contest. Down in one, empty glass on top of your

head.

Do you know, I really don't think you're my type.

Well, I am clumsy.

Thank you. You're not a pretty sight when you're drunk.

Well, you're not a pretty sight when I'm sober.

What happened to that lobster that was dangling off your bum?

We got engaged.

Here he comes.

You know, you two have surprised me this evening.

I mean, it hasn't been an intellectually challenging exercise, but you have

carried out your simple task with relative efficiency.

Dave?

Yes, Bob?

Do you have any idea what Bamba Pontyface Gascoigne's talking about?

No, Robert.

But here is my response to whatever the hell he was talking about.

Go on and squeeze your spots.

Darn it, go on.

Any more left?

Just the one.

Yours or mine?

Oh, I'll do it.

So, so, so.

You're a psychiatric nurse.

Does that alarm you?

Oh, not at all.

I have a nant who's a chiropodist.

Other end of the spectrum, of course.

Other end of the body.

Other end of the operating table, really, isn't it?

Feet, head, different things.

I could go on like this forever.

Drink. A very Bloody Mary, please.

Wait!

Yep. A Bloody Mary for... Mary.

I'll have a large pint.

A large pint.

Yeah, you know.

Well, it's either a pint or it isn't.

And you can't have a small pint, can you?

Yeah, all right. Just go and get it. Off you trot, head rogue.

You know, it's strange. You don't look like a man who needs to advertise for a

partner. Advertise?

Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

No, this is a big city.

A lonely city.

It's not easy to meet people.

You're right.

It's just sometimes in the presence of a certain type of man, I just...

Tell me something.

What's your position on casual sex?

Well, you know, depends on what you mean by casual.

Depends on what you mean by sex.

Everything depends on... You know.

So you say you're a chiropractor?

No, that's your auntie.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm the head expert.

You see, I believe in this... ...immolant, irresistible, irrational

attraction... ...like a bolt of lightning.

And I only feel like this... ...once in a blue moon.

And I just felt it, just...

I'm sorry, you just shot on me bunion.

I'd better go and see me auntie.

Why don't you come and see me instead?

I could sit out at the top and work all the way down to the bottom.

I didn't hear you stop.

No, I thought I'd see your little legs.

Their prints are all over that.

Right, good work.

So that's hit you?

Yep. Do you fancy your last one?

No, I'd better get off, get back home.

Home, home, home.

See you tomorrow then, Bob.

Good night.

Right.

Come on, Briggsie.

We're going home.

I've come to have me bumps felt.

Ta.

There you go, Briggsie.

Welcome to your new home.

What do you say to a little...

Music.

What are you doing here?

We never really finished our fascinating conversation, so I just had to follow

you home.

Now get on the bed.

Stay there.

I'll just put on some music.

What are you doing?

For the first time since Alf Ramsey pulled Bubby Charlton off and we lost to

Germany, I am on the verge of a genuine human -to -human sexual encounter.

She means it.

Come on, Bub.

What's the matter?

Hear all this.

I've never heard him make that noise before.

25 years ago, initiation ceremony.

Before the days of a sidearm truncheon.

Aha!

Just as I thought.

It's OK, Griggs, I'll deal with her.

Ah! Ah!

Who the hell are you?

Where

to,

Gav? 14 Risewick Gardens. And be quick.

Our friend's in danger.

Bob!

Speak to me, Bob!

I just popped in to say well

done.

The Lonely Hearts killer is now under lock and key, thanks to you.

And Louis, of course.

Look, if it's any consolation, there is now no question of you being forced to

retire.

I even put your name forward for a commendation.

Dave.

Did.

David.

Sir.

I just stopped by to congratulate you on... Hello, Professor.

Would you mind telling our beloved super that I'm not speaking to him?

Briggs isn't speaking to you, sir.

And would you tell Hopkins that after what happened, I'm not speaking to him?

The super isn't speaking to you, Hopkins.

Hang on a minute.

What happened to Louis wasn't my fault.

Tell him that.

I can't. I'm not speaking to him.

And would you also tell him that if it hadn't been for his oh -so -clever

plan, Louis wouldn't have been... Tell the super that I don't

care about pimple -puss Hopkins.

It's Bob I care about.

He doesn't care about pimple -puss me. It's Bob he cares about.

My oppo went through a whole hour of sexual depravity at the hands of a

she -devil.

60 minutes of physical torment involving a vacumatic, an egg cut with legs and a

range of dairy products, some of them way past their survive dates.

Yes, yes, I know.

You spoke to him. And you spoke to me.

What matters is that you got to Louis' house in time. Only just.

Another ten minutes and... The best he could have hoped for would be a lifetime

in customised swimwear.

Where is he?

You look a lot better.

A lot better than you did.

It's not very difficult, is it?

Last time you saw me, I was in intensive care.

I suppose.

I've never seen one of them in traction before.

I know it's no consolation, but I'm putting you forward for a commendation

bravery. It wasn't me who was brave, sir. It was Briggsie.

Briggs?

Not him, sir.

Briggsie the lobster.

He fought her off.

You mean your life was saved by a lobster?

Yes, sir. How?

Well, she was sitting on my head and I was trying to guess her weight when

Briggsie climbed into bed with us.

He nipped her on the bum and she fired five times, shot off three legs and both

his antennae.

She's got no bullet left to shoot me then.

This time, Briggsie was really cross and he attacked her.

How? Show him, bub.

Briggsie, get him.

That's what I call nipple clasps.