Original subtitles

me me

It was a simple, harmless comment, that's all.

Oh, yes, please.

We like dogs.

Of course, we'd be happy to work with the dog -handling division.

I meant... Well, I thought we could take them for walks or... or... or

feed them.

Oh, we'll be feeding them all.

Dave, I'm scared.

I need to go to the toilet.

What a job, finding it live and happy.

Who are they training to attack, anyway? Pavarotti?

In Mexico, are we, lads?

Sod off, nodder.

You're loving this, aren't you? The dogs are raring to go.

Never seen them so excited.

Mind you, I expect they're hungry.

Super's orders.

They haven't been fed for two days.

Are you sure these protective suits work?

We've been using these suits for 20 years.

I suppose it's time we got some new ones, really.

Right.

When I say go, both of you run as fast as you can across that shield there.

On the count of 30, I'll release the dogs and then... Well, that's it.

What do you mean, that's it?

What happens?

I will instruct Bruno and Rambo to pursue you across the fields and then

apprehend you by taking hold of you in a non -vital area.

What sort of non -vital area?

Yeah. I've got areas that... May not be vital anymore, but would be bloody

painful if a dog bit them.

I mean, grab you by one of your limbs.

They understand this non -vital business.

Well, they will, when they're trained.

That's what this little exercise is about, isn't it?

Well, what happens if, like, they go for our heads?

That's a good point, Bob.

What happens if they bite our heads?

Simple. If they go for your throat or your head, It's no chop -chops for them.

Well, they won't be interested in bloody chop -chops any more, will they?

They'll be full.

They'll have just eaten two heads.

You both relax.

Anyway, you volunteered for this experiment.

What experiment?

What do you mean, experiment?

Well, normally, as a rule, I mean in general,

We only use our stations for police work.

Yeah. So we thought we'd sort of branch out a bit.

I mean, in terms of the breeds we use.

Well, I mean, if we don't try it, we'll never know whether it works.

For all we know, Rottweilers might be every bit as good as our stations.

Better get running, lads.

Junior, that is a stupid idea. It was your idea.

27, 28, 29, 30.

That's certainly aggressive.

Get

him off

me! Get him off!

Get him off!

Get him off! Let him do the work he has to do!

Question mark over their obedience, though.

What do you think, Sarge?

A bit of a disappointment.

I don't think you can trust them out on the street.

Still, you're living there, aren't you?

Sarge? What?

Do you think Louie will make it up that tree?

Well, I think he'll get up the tree, but I'm not sure that branch will take

his way.

again hang on

Practising your handbrake turns.

My wheelchair, I give him away. The wheel keeps sticking.

You should have gone private, Bob.

You get an electric motor and a cigar lighter.

Shall I call the AA or do you want to push?

Come on.

OK.

It's time to be open, that's all.

So, Bob, how are you managing?

Pretty much the time of yesterday.

I hope you're going to sue for compensation.

This is going to cost him an arm and a leg, this is.

An arm and a leg.

We Klingons come in peace.

So... Mate.

Don't suppose you've got any beers in the fridge, have you? I wondered how

it would take.

That's the only reason you come round here, isn't it? To drink my beer.

No, I haven't.

You drank it all yesterday when you called round to see how I was. I just

fancied a cold beer, that's all. It's so bloody hot in here. I can't waste a

thermostat.

Sit there.

I'll do it. I'll take care of it.

Need your old mucker now, don't you? I can manage. If you'd come over and give

this wheel a bloody good kick, I could get it moving.

Thank you.

So, any other little odd jobs you want doing around the flat?

You could feed the goldfish, I suppose.

You could feed them to the cat, if you like.

Well, they're either dead or they're sunbathing.

No.

Definitely not sunbathing.

Has to die from heat exhaustion.

Seems sad, really.

You're only two friends in the entire world, lying side by side, limp and

lifeless on your broken leg.

Still, you've always got me.

Must have drowned.

I've got plenty of friends.

I can see you've got plenty of friends. Both signs of plaster.

Rambo sends his love sod off nozzer.

You know...

You can always tell how popular a person is by looking at their plaster.

You remember me, when I broke my ankle chasing after that skinhead?

Running away from the skinhead.

My plaster was like the London telephone directory.

But Dave, they were all in your handwriting.

Yeah. Lots of people couldn't make it to the hospital.

Anyway, someone else assigned me leg, actually.

Really?

Oh, come on, then.

Where?

Not going to tell you. That's because there isn't one.

All right, then.

What's this?

Somebody managed to design that.

Just a visual, is it?

Just look here.

Get well soon.

Love, Sandy.

Sandy? Yeah.

What?

Sandy, Sandy.

What? Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy.

Sandy.

Sandy, the big piece from the mountain division.

She's not big.

Not big?

Sandy.

Bob, she's the only one with a shire horse.

Those aren't jobbers she wears. That's all her.

Ow!

Ah!

Love Sandy.

Comes round here, does she?

Feeding the goldfish, twiddling with your thermostat.

She dropped by.

Oh, she did, did she?

You have to look out, Bob.

People like her, when you break your leg, they have you shot.

So, how long exactly?

Has Miss Candy been writing on your inner thigh?

Mind your own business.

My toes, it scratched my toes for me.

Scratched your toes?

But of course, Bob. I mean, what else are friends for?

Thank you.

How long exactly have you and Sandy been, you know...

Trotting out together.

Just scratch him. Come on, Bob, let's hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

Please. Been getting our oats in Sandy's stable, have we? Just scratch him, will

you?

This little biggie went to market.

This little piggy stayed at home. All right, all right, all right. I asked her

out three weeks ago. Now just scratch him.

And she tapped her foot three times and that meant yes to that.

You are a dark horse.

That's probably why she likes you.

So, wedding bells in the air, are there?

Expecting the clatter of tiny hooves?

I've seen enough of marriage out of this window. Thank you very much.

Marriage is a partnership.

A sort of safety net.

A warm, cosy duvet you can snuggle under when, say, for instance, you get

ravaged by a pair of Rottweilers.

If you were married, you'd have a wife running around after you, clumping up

your pillows, scratching your toes, dabbing a bit of three -in -one on your

bearings. You wouldn't need me.

I don't need you.

Oh, right.

I'll go then, fella.

Please do.

Don't worry.

I'll be back in the morning to turn you over.

Don't want you getting bed sores, do we?

If it's a nice day, I'll take you for a push along the flyover. You can watch

the traffic.

You don't have to keep turning up, you know.

No? What are you going to do for food?

Sandy brings me my food.

What does she do?

Hang a bale of hay from the curtain.

You give up dominoes night to looking on a friend and he throws dead fish in

your face.

Yes.

Well, for me, that says everything.

If this fish died of fin rot, it could spread to me eye.

Don't slam the door on your way out.

I may return tomorrow morning, Robert. I may not.

I have much to ponder on.

Dave, thank God you've come.

Glad to see me now, are you?

Push me over to the window, quick.

Dave, Dave, what a night I've had.

I've never slept a wink.

It's been like a nightmare.

Sandy come round, did she?

No, this is serious.

I think there's been a murder.

A murder?

Over there, Mr and Mrs Sharp, the happy couple.

She was screaming in the middle of the night and Mr Sharp was in his pyjamas

chasing her and they both went into the bedroom and she started screaming and

moaning.

Like I said, Bob, marriage has its ups and downs.

Dave, he had a knife.

A knife? Yes.

Why didn't you call the police?

We are the police.

Anyway, I threw the phone into the fifth tank.

Oh, don't these painkillers you take.

And another thing, she didn't take a shower.

Every morning at seven o 'clock, she takes a shower.

How do you know?

I watch her.

She leaves the blinds up.

You sit there and watch your neighbours take in a car.

Well, I'm in the neighbourhood watch.

Look, I'm telling you. He killed her. He stabbed her. And I'm the only witness.

There he is. Look, that's him.

Mr Sharp.

Yeah, he looks like a murderer.

It's well known.

The first thing a murderer does after he's killed his wife is weed the garden.

I'm telling you, he killed her. He killed her with his bare hands.

Murderer!

Murderer! Get a grip, Bob.

If combined with alcohol may induce mild hallucinations.

Did we have a little drinky last night? Did we?

No, no, no.

Oh, come on now. Let the doctor see what we've got underneath our dressing gown.

Come on now. Open wide.

You bastard!

The bloke's getting away with murder down there.

those beers from me and then you drank them in an orgy of pills and alcohol.

Now what's he doing?

What can you see, Bob?

Everything gone all pink and purple and swirly, has it?

Thousands of baths talking to you in Spanish.

Take a look.

What do you see?

Well, I see a man digging his garden.

I see a man digging a grave.

And you say it was exactly 4 .15 when you heard this scream?

Dave, we are late in time.

And you're sure that it was more of a... than a...

A woman reaching the top rung of the stepladder of desire makes a sort of...

Not.

Sandy didn't. She nighed.

Whereas a woman at the hands of a crazed killer would go...

Exactly.

And if he did kill her...

You wait for the cover of darkness, drag a blood -soaked body down the stairs

and bury her.

What we need to do is get over to Sharpe's flat and look for evidence.

Yeah, well, unless you've got a block and tackle, you're on your own.

Right. Here's what we do.

Find his number in the phone book and ring him.

You put on a funny voice. Tell him you're on to him.

You want to meet him somewhere to blackmail him.

If he's guilty, he'll go.

If he's innocent, he won't.

And if he does leave the flat, I'll nip over there, break in and search for

evidence.

Do you think of all that by yourself?

Yeah.

Where's the phone book?

It's under the dead fish.

Right.

Where's the phone? It's in the fish tank.

We could always write to him.

Now where's he off to?

Dave?

He's going out.

Where's he going?

He'll be after a chemist for a vat of sulfuric acid.

It's what they do.

You put the body in a vat of sulfuric acid and ten minutes later you've only

a set of fillings to bury.

He's planning to destroy the evidence.

We've got to get to it before he does.

Okay, Dave, over to you.

Good man.

Blimey, I never knew you had it in you.

Dave!

Do him now. What do you do? Get on with it.

Get on with it.

I'm a fiend, not a fiend.

Get out.

Get out.

Sharp.

It's sharp.

Sharp.

Lock that bloody knife in.

Get out. Get out. Shift your arm.

Call me while you're at it, will you, Bob?

Come in.

Oh, Bob, we've got a visitor.

Sandy! Hello, Bob.

I've just popped in to tell you that I won't have any time to cook you both a

bit of supper tonight.

It's just that we're going out.

And we were wondering if you'd mind doing a spot of babysitting for us.

Nada?

In you come, lads.