Original subtitles

What time is it?

Oh, no.

The big hand's frozen to me little, Al.

We've definitely had you off five minutes by the fire.

What's the matter, lads?

Feeling the cold?

No, I'm not feeling the cold.

I can't feel anything below me nipples.

And I can't even feel them.

Time's up. Come on, change seats.

Come on.

This is for Felix, though.

And he wrote, I thought you two pretty boys volunteered for a customs duty.

We did.

We volunteered.

Fancy a dint with the customs and excise, boy, they said.

Oh, yes, please, he said.

That sounds like a cushy number, he said.

He thought they'd send us to Heathrow or Gatwick or somewhere.

Body searching incoming Nubians.

Searching our hostess's overnight luggage bags.

You don't count on being stuck in feeling stuff.

Captain Bird's eye.

Searching other glories for cocaine.

Ten years I've been in this job. Oh, I can tell you some stories.

You already have.

You get to meet some people in this job.

You get to see people in different light.

Yeah, well, you would.

Shining tortoises up their bums.

Aha!

What now?

A lorry.

Oh, good. A lorry. Oh, yes.

It is a lorry.

Regulation says we're supposed to search and stop every 21st lorry that comes

through here.

Come on. Out you get, lad.

Pilchards. I hate pilchards.

Oh, I didn't see it was you.

I know it was you. I waved you off.

That's no problem.

I was early anyway.

Make it work me well with a cup of tea, eh?

God, it's like a fridge in here.

It's not like your fridge.

It's got food in it.

All the lousy jobs, this has got to be the worst.

I don't mind the driving rain and the bitter cold, but Mr Fisherman's bloody

friend that's getting on my tits.

Not that I can feel him anymore.

What? Just as I thought.

What? There's something fishy about this, Lottie.

Oh, fuck.

It's bloody cold tonight.

Cold?

Don't you start.

You don't know what... Cold is.

Just pilchards you're carrying, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, just pilchards.

Spotted anything yet, Bob?

Opened up a crate of pilchards and found Lord Lucan.

What are you doing?

When I was a kid, I used to do impressions with a torch.

This is my Doctor Who monster.

How about doing an impression of a policeman and giving me a hand with his

Oh, brilliant.

Ah, looks like my boys are finished.

Well, that didn't take long.

Pair of ponches.

It's frozen, isn't it? Here.

Out of the way. I'll give you a kick.

Ow! Ow!

Give it another go.

I think you've broken it.

Might have done.

Might just be badly bruised.

You wiggle the lever and I'll try and open the door.

There you go, mate.

It's no use.

It's stuck solid.

We'll have to call Mr Frosty the Froden Fishcake.

He'll love this, he will.

Are you still there?

Of course I'm still here.

Where else would I be?

Just checking.

Dave? What?

I'm cold.

Try rubbing yourself. Get the circulation going.

Oh, my God.

What? I can't feel my legs.

They're my legs.

Shall we try shouting again?

What's the point?

We're obviously in the cargo deck. Nobody's going to hear us.

We're stuck in a cultured lorry, halfway across the North Sea in a 410 gale and

me big toe's broken.

I hate the dark.

And I get claustrophobic in confined spaces.

And ever since I was a kid, I've hated pilchards.

What a dream holiday for you, then, this is.

It reminds me of the cold, dank Sunday afternoons when me gran used to come

round with her airy moulds and make a pilchard down with you.

Every time I see pilchards now, I haunt me rivets up.

Pilchards. I love pilchards.

You see, that's where we're lucky, Rob.

If we were in here with half -hundred of them, it's a plastic ducting.

Then we wouldn't be in trouble.

There's another thing as well.

What? I get really, really sick.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh.

Use your act.

Western fall.

You're not using mine.

How long have we been at sea now?

A couple of hours.

Maybe more.

It can't be much longer, can it? We're only going to Ostend.

Ostend?

Then again, it might be Sweden, Norway, Lapland.

Elephant journey, that is.

Days and days of mountainous seas.

Waves the size of semi -detached walls.

Will you stop hating them?

For now.

Of course, there is a way of finding out which direction you're going.

Yeah? All to do with magnetism.

I saw it ages ago on Blue Peter. All we need is a small metal object like a

safety pin and a length of cotton.

I think I've got a safety pin somewhere.

And you can borrow me a cagoule tassel for the cotton.

According to Sarah Green, what you do is you tie the cotton to the safety pin

and then you just dangle it just for a few minutes over a saucer full of

mercury.

Mercury.

And have you got a saucer of mercury?

Of course not.

I haven't even got a saucer.

I wonder if it'd work.

if we dangled it over a pilchard.

Dry land.

Thank you, God.

Thank you. Dry land.

I wonder where we are.

We're in the back of a pilchard lorry.

Of course, there's one easy way to tell.

What do we need this time, a bucket as full as earth and a particle

No.

We just use our senses and our powers of deduction.

For a start, it's definitely warmer, so we're in a hot country.

That's the engine.

And we're driving on the right, apparently, so it's not Malta or New

And we haven't been hijacked, and we haven't been set on fire, so we're not

France. And we can use our noses.

Take a deep breath.

And what do you smell?

Pilchards.

What else?

Diesel.

Can't you detect that faint but unmistakable odour of... Goat's cheese.

I wouldn't change my socks for 24 hours.

Last but not least, we can use our ears. Just listen.

What are we listening for?

Let I am very much mistaken.

I can hear the distant call of a yellow -throated reed warbler.

Oh, God.

Yellow -throated reed warbler.

native only to the countries in the northern Mediterranean. So, hot weather,

goat cheese and reed warbler, and what have we got?

It can only be... northern Italy.

Yeah, I'm prepared to bet you two boxes of pilchards that we are now in the

Tuscany of northern Italy.

I speak a bit of Italian.

I used to have an Italian girlfriend.

Oh, right.

So you'll know how to say, keep your hands to yourself, tosspot.

Dave, we've got... Arrivederci!

Avanti!

Go on. You've unfurled it, Phil.

Where the bloody hell are we? Northern Italy.

Smell that Mediterranean air.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Urgency actions.

I couldn't find the driver.

He was eating out his pilchards.

You ate them?

Come on, let's mingle with the natives.

But remember, technically speaking, we're illegal immigrants, so it's

that we don't stand out in the crowd.

Just to that, though. What?

Well, use your eyes.

Big bloody canal. What does that tell you?

Oh, right.

Exactly.

Venice.

Buongiorno.

I've always been very fond of the Italians.

Lovely skin.

Lovely tomatoes.

Should we try and find a telephone?

I suppose so.

Don't tell me you've left the money.

You were in charge of the petty cash.

Stupendous.

Wandering round Venice without two presiders to rub together.

How do you suggest we found home? Or do Italian sandboxes take tin fish?

It's always problems with you, isn't it?

We reverse the charges.

Come on.

I've always wanted to see Venice.

See Venice and die, as William Blake said.

Florence.

What kind of smart -ass?

See, Venice and Dyer's Florence Blake show.

Pilchard, anyone?

Cut the chokes.

Just give us the merchandise.

I don't bloody believe it. What is wrong?

The box.

The box marked with an X. It's been emptied.

The merchandise should be in here.

Is there two, Frachtwacher?

Yeah? She says she saw two men

climbing out of the lorry ten minutes ago.

Two men? What men?

Your accomplices, maybe?

Now, why?

I put that stuff in the tins and sealed it myself.

Then I put it in the box.

Well, no -one's touched it since. They couldn't have done.

There's been a mistake.

With half a million pounds' worth of uncut diamonds...

Mistakes can be costly.

And if we don't find these two men quickly, my friend, your mistake could

fatal.

Did he get hold of the super? He wasn't there.

Not there.

Apparently he's in Amsterdam.

What's he doing in bloody Amsterdam?

He's working on some big undercover diamond smuggling case.

You spoke to Crusher?

Yep. You tell him what happened?

Well, I had to, didn't I?

Well, that's just tickety -boo, isn't it?

Our lives are going to be a misery for months now.

He says he's going to organise a whip -around for our fair home.

Send it by courier. We took temporary passports.

addressed to PC Pilchard and Constable Kipper.

Well, I don't care as long as they get here.

How long is it going to take?

We're sending it direct to Venice Airport, so it should be here by four.

Four?

What are we going to do all day?

We'll relax.

We'll enjoy ourselves.

Take in the tights.

Dave, we are completely skint.

What are we going to do for food?

Food? Yes.

For the last time, I'm not eating bloody pilchards.

Stop.

If you don't like pilchards, just come out and say so.

Fetch them.

I can't swim.

Ah, Inspector Cotton.

What a pleasure.

Thank you. Inspector Van Dyck is expecting you, so I would like to come

way, please.

Inspector.

Yes? I have Inspector Cotton from London here to see you.

So, Inspector Cotton, welcome in Amsterdam.

Inspector Van Dyck.

Van Dyck.

It's very good of you to allow me to be in at the kill, as it were.

Oh. Then you haven't heard.

Heard what?

I'm afraid there's been something of a last -minute hitch in our carefully

prepared operation.

I tell you what.

While we're here, we should go and look at St Mark's Square. Feed the pigeons.

Not the pigeons.

We should be feeding ourselves.

If I was on the strike, I'd have the tubes up my nose by now.

As it happens, I wouldn't mind sampling some of the local cuisine myself.

Here.

Let's try that traditional Italian bistro over there. I bet they do

spaghetti hoops.

Don't. We've got no money.

Good job one of us is thinking ahead.

Come on.

There were two other men hiding in the back of the lodge.

Yes. And they made off with the diamonds before our original smugglers could get

their hands on them.

Double sting.

Clever.

Yes. You know, in Holland we have a saying.

When the chef puts his feet into the saucepan, he should not be surprised if

vegetable bites his toes.

These men, do you have descriptions?

Yes.

Yes, they're both wearing yellow cagoules. One has dark curly hair, blue

The other is taller, thin, with a face like a...

A ferret.

They're both English.

And they've managed to completely spoil our entire operation.

Are you saying something funny?

No, no, I was just being silly.

Oh, yes.

Well, whoever they are, they are now the proud owners of half a million pounds

worth of high -quality diamonds.

Have some more coffee, please.

I thought it was tea.

You want a drink?

Yeah. How about it?

Buongiorno.

Mi amore e mi.

Mi camarade e mi have just

come from out of Big Fish Lorry.

Big Fish Lorry.

Accidenti. Terrible mix -up.

Long, long journey across Mediterranean.

And now, Donna and Blitzer,

Exactly.

Where are you guys from? Eastern Europe?

No, no.

Pilchard Lorry.

Ah, Pilchard Lorry, no Javilera.

Yes.

Pilchardo.

Fishy -wishy.

You want fish?

No, no, no, no. Don't you want fish?

No. Look, I'll tell you what.

We will swap fish for two coffees.

You want two coffees? Yeah, yeah. Two coffees.

You're never going to hate, don't you?

Of course he will. This is Italy.

The entire economy is run on the barter system.

More tea?

Not again.

Looks like we've had a sighting.

Smugglers and the cagoule men are in a cafe in Amselstraat.

Come, Inspector.

We must hurry.

Come on.

Si, si, signore.

Very bellissime pilchardo. I don't want your pilchards. I want money.

Okay, okay.

Make it two tins of pilchards.

Just get out, both of you.

You're making the place smell of fish.

They're so temperamental, these Italians.

Dave, why don't you face facts?

They don't like pilchards.

Nobody in the world likes pilchards.

No one has ever in the history of the entire planet actually gone out and

a tin of pilchards, except my gran with the hairy moles, and she's dead.

They just get shipped all around the world, never to be eaten.

Nobody, nobody at all in the universe has ever wanted pilchards.

Give me your pilchards, and I'll help you.

See?

That's Pilchard's.

Now, let us all stay calm and no one will get hurt.

Given Pilchard.

Not so fast.

My friend here is very wise.

Hand them over.

Do you think I ought to warn our large Italian friend here that he is messing

around with two highly trained, highly efficient killing machines?

Hey, it's a real gun.

No, it's... It's my real head.

It's not the purchase, Bob. It's the principle.

I am not having foreigners poking their guns into my best friend's ear.

I will count to five, and then...

Shoot. It's OK, Bob. He's bluffing.

Pardon? If he gets away with it once, he'll go round nicking everybody's

poochers. Then where will we be?

Troll. Give him the bloody pill.

Swain. No.

He'll soon change his mind when he realises that we're police officers.

Police officers?

That's right, Pavarotti.

We're poppers.

I enjoy.

Killing police officers, I enjoy it more.

Dave, he enjoys it.

Oh, yeah?

How many have you killed?

Four. Is that four police officers or the number four? Five!

What is it?

Inspector Cotton, you can come in now.

Briggs.

Sir. Louis.

Sir, I thought you were in Amsterdam.

I am in Amsterdam.

I thought you two were in Felixstowe.

No, sir.

We're in Venice.

Aha. So you know these men.

Yes.

I'm afraid I do.

They're...

Police officers.

Oh, I see.

I see. So you people at Scotland Yard have this whole thing planned right from

the beginning.

Clever. Very clever.

Oh, well, you know, we do our best.

Hmm.

You must be very proud of your men, Inspector.

Oh, yes.

I imagine you will want to give them both a big slap.

On the back.

Oh, yes.

A very big slap.

On the back.

I thought the super would have let us come home on a plane.

Yeah.

Can't see a sardine.

It's a tin fish thing with me, really.

Can I borrow your hat?

No.