All language subtitles for The Detectives s02e04 Dutch Cops

What time is it?

Oh, no.

The big hand's frozen to me little, Al.

We've definitely had you off five
minutes by the fire.

What's the matter, lads?

Feeling the cold?

No, I'm not feeling the cold.

I can't feel anything below me nipples.

And I can't even feel them.

Time's up. Come on, change seats.

Come on.

This is for Felix, though.

And he wrote, I thought you two pretty
boys volunteered for a customs duty.

We did.

We volunteered.

Fancy a dint with the customs and
excise, boy, they said.

Oh, yes, please, he said.

That sounds like a cushy number, he
said.

He thought they'd send us to Heathrow or
Gatwick or somewhere.

Body searching incoming Nubians.

Searching our hostess's overnight
luggage bags.

You don't count on being stuck in
feeling stuff.

Captain Bird's eye.

Searching other glories for cocaine.

Ten years I've been in this job. Oh, I
can tell you some stories.

You already have.

You get to meet some people in this job.

You get to see people in different
light.

Yeah, well, you would.

Shining tortoises up their bums.

Aha!

What now?

A lorry.

Oh, good. A lorry. Oh, yes.

It is a lorry.

Regulation says we're supposed to search
and stop every 21st lorry that comes

through here.

Come on. Out you get, lad.

Pilchards. I hate pilchards.

Oh, I didn't see it was you.

I know it was you. I waved you off.

That's no problem.

I was early anyway.

Make it work me well with a cup of tea,
eh?

God, it's like a fridge in here.

It's not like your fridge.

It's got food in it.

All the lousy jobs, this has got to be
the worst.

I don't mind the driving rain and the
bitter cold, but Mr Fisherman's bloody

friend that's getting on my tits.

Not that I can feel him anymore.

What? Just as I thought.

What? There's something fishy about
this, Lottie.

Oh, fuck.

It's bloody cold tonight.

Cold?

Don't you start.

You don't know what... Cold is.

Just pilchards you're carrying, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, just pilchards.

Spotted anything yet, Bob?

Opened up a crate of pilchards and found
Lord Lucan.

What are you doing?

When I was a kid, I used to do
impressions with a torch.

This is my Doctor Who monster.

How about doing an impression of a
policeman and giving me a hand with his

Oh, brilliant.

Ah, looks like my boys are finished.

Well, that didn't take long.

Pair of ponches.

It's frozen, isn't it? Here.

Out of the way. I'll give you a kick.

Ow! Ow!

Give it another go.

I think you've broken it.

Might have done.

Might just be badly bruised.

You wiggle the lever and I'll try and
open the door.

There you go, mate.

It's no use.

It's stuck solid.

We'll have to call Mr Frosty the Froden
Fishcake.

He'll love this, he will.

Are you still there?

Of course I'm still here.

Where else would I be?

Just checking.

Dave? What?

I'm cold.

Try rubbing yourself. Get the
circulation going.

Oh, my God.

What? I can't feel my legs.

They're my legs.

Shall we try shouting again?

What's the point?

We're obviously in the cargo deck.
Nobody's going to hear us.

We're stuck in a cultured lorry, halfway
across the North Sea in a 410 gale and

me big toe's broken.

I hate the dark.

And I get claustrophobic in confined
spaces.

And ever since I was a kid, I've hated
pilchards.

What a dream holiday for you, then, this
is.

It reminds me of the cold, dank Sunday
afternoons when me gran used to come

round with her airy moulds and make a
pilchard down with you.

Every time I see pilchards now, I haunt
me rivets up.

Pilchards. I love pilchards.

You see, that's where we're lucky, Rob.

If we were in here with half -hundred of
them, it's a plastic ducting.

Then we wouldn't be in trouble.

There's another thing as well.

What? I get really, really sick.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh.

Use your act.

Western fall.

You're not using mine.

How long have we been at sea now?

A couple of hours.

Maybe more.

It can't be much longer, can it? We're
only going to Ostend.

Ostend?

Then again, it might be Sweden, Norway,
Lapland.

Elephant journey, that is.

Days and days of mountainous seas.

Waves the size of semi -detached walls.

Will you stop hating them?

For now.

Of course, there is a way of finding out
which direction you're going.

Yeah? All to do with magnetism.

I saw it ages ago on Blue Peter. All we
need is a small metal object like a

safety pin and a length of cotton.

I think I've got a safety pin somewhere.

And you can borrow me a cagoule tassel
for the cotton.

According to Sarah Green, what you do is
you tie the cotton to the safety pin

and then you just dangle it just for a
few minutes over a saucer full of

mercury.

Mercury.

And have you got a saucer of mercury?

Of course not.

I haven't even got a saucer.

I wonder if it'd work.

if we dangled it over a pilchard.

Dry land.

Thank you, God.

Thank you. Dry land.

I wonder where we are.

We're in the back of a pilchard lorry.

Of course, there's one easy way to tell.

What do we need this time, a bucket as
full as earth and a particle

No.

We just use our senses and our powers of
deduction.

For a start, it's definitely warmer, so
we're in a hot country.

That's the engine.

And we're driving on the right,
apparently, so it's not Malta or New

And we haven't been hijacked, and we
haven't been set on fire, so we're not

France. And we can use our noses.

Take a deep breath.

And what do you smell?

Pilchards.

What else?

Diesel.

Can't you detect that faint but
unmistakable odour of... Goat's cheese.

I wouldn't change my socks for 24 hours.

Last but not least, we can use our ears.
Just listen.

What are we listening for?

Let I am very much mistaken.

I can hear the distant call of a yellow
-throated reed warbler.

Oh, God.

Yellow -throated reed warbler.

native only to the countries in the
northern Mediterranean. So, hot weather,

goat cheese and reed warbler, and what
have we got?

It can only be... northern Italy.

Yeah, I'm prepared to bet you two boxes
of pilchards that we are now in the

Tuscany of northern Italy.

I speak a bit of Italian.

I used to have an Italian girlfriend.

Oh, right.

So you'll know how to say, keep your
hands to yourself, tosspot.

Dave, we've got... Arrivederci!

Avanti!

Go on. You've unfurled it, Phil.

Where the bloody hell are we? Northern
Italy.

Smell that Mediterranean air.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Urgency actions.

I couldn't find the driver.

He was eating out his pilchards.

You ate them?

Come on, let's mingle with the natives.

But remember, technically speaking,
we're illegal immigrants, so it's

that we don't stand out in the crowd.

Just to that, though. What?

Well, use your eyes.

Big bloody canal. What does that tell
you?

Oh, right.

Exactly.

Venice.

Buongiorno.

I've always been very fond of the
Italians.

Lovely skin.

Lovely tomatoes.

Should we try and find a telephone?

I suppose so.

Don't tell me you've left the money.

You were in charge of the petty cash.

Stupendous.

Wandering round Venice without two
presiders to rub together.

How do you suggest we found home? Or do
Italian sandboxes take tin fish?

It's always problems with you, isn't it?

We reverse the charges.

Come on.

I've always wanted to see Venice.

See Venice and die, as William Blake
said.

Florence.

What kind of smart -ass?

See, Venice and Dyer's Florence Blake
show.

Pilchard, anyone?

Cut the chokes.

Just give us the merchandise.

I don't bloody believe it. What is
wrong?

The box.

The box marked with an X. It's been
emptied.

The merchandise should be in here.

Is there two, Frachtwacher?

Yeah? She says she saw two men

climbing out of the lorry ten minutes
ago.

Two men? What men?

Your accomplices, maybe?

Now, why?

I put that stuff in the tins and sealed
it myself.

Then I put it in the box.

Well, no -one's touched it since. They
couldn't have done.

There's been a mistake.

With half a million pounds' worth of
uncut diamonds...

Mistakes can be costly.

And if we don't find these two men
quickly, my friend, your mistake could

fatal.

Did he get hold of the super? He wasn't
there.

Not there.

Apparently he's in Amsterdam.

What's he doing in bloody Amsterdam?

He's working on some big undercover
diamond smuggling case.

You spoke to Crusher?

Yep. You tell him what happened?

Well, I had to, didn't I?

Well, that's just tickety -boo, isn't
it?

Our lives are going to be a misery for
months now.

He says he's going to organise a whip
-around for our fair home.

Send it by courier. We took temporary
passports.

addressed to PC Pilchard and Constable
Kipper.

Well, I don't care as long as they get
here.

How long is it going to take?

We're sending it direct to Venice
Airport, so it should be here by four.

Four?

What are we going to do all day?

We'll relax.

We'll enjoy ourselves.

Take in the tights.

Dave, we are completely skint.

What are we going to do for food?

Food? Yes.

For the last time, I'm not eating bloody
pilchards.

Stop.

If you don't like pilchards, just come
out and say so.

Fetch them.

I can't swim.

Ah, Inspector Cotton.

What a pleasure.

Thank you. Inspector Van Dyck is
expecting you, so I would like to come

way, please.

Inspector.

Yes? I have Inspector Cotton from London
here to see you.

So, Inspector Cotton, welcome in
Amsterdam.

Inspector Van Dyck.

Van Dyck.

It's very good of you to allow me to be
in at the kill, as it were.

Oh. Then you haven't heard.

Heard what?

I'm afraid there's been something of a
last -minute hitch in our carefully

prepared operation.

I tell you what.

While we're here, we should go and look
at St Mark's Square. Feed the pigeons.

Not the pigeons.

We should be feeding ourselves.

If I was on the strike, I'd have the
tubes up my nose by now.

As it happens, I wouldn't mind sampling
some of the local cuisine myself.

Here.

Let's try that traditional Italian
bistro over there. I bet they do

spaghetti hoops.

Don't. We've got no money.

Good job one of us is thinking ahead.

Come on.

There were two other men hiding in the
back of the lodge.

Yes. And they made off with the diamonds
before our original smugglers could get

their hands on them.

Double sting.

Clever.

Yes. You know, in Holland we have a
saying.

When the chef puts his feet into the
saucepan, he should not be surprised if

vegetable bites his toes.

These men, do you have descriptions?

Yes.

Yes, they're both wearing yellow
cagoules. One has dark curly hair, blue

The other is taller, thin, with a face
like a...

A ferret.

They're both English.

And they've managed to completely spoil
our entire operation.

Are you saying something funny?

No, no, I was just being silly.

Oh, yes.

Well, whoever they are, they are now the
proud owners of half a million pounds

worth of high -quality diamonds.

Have some more coffee, please.

I thought it was tea.

You want a drink?

Yeah. How about it?

Buongiorno.

Mi amore e mi.

Mi camarade e mi have just

come from out of Big Fish Lorry.

Big Fish Lorry.

Accidenti. Terrible mix -up.

Long, long journey across Mediterranean.

And now, Donna and Blitzer,

Exactly.

Where are you guys from? Eastern Europe?

No, no.

Pilchard Lorry.

Ah, Pilchard Lorry, no Javilera.

Yes.

Pilchardo.

Fishy -wishy.

You want fish?

No, no, no, no. Don't you want fish?

No. Look, I'll tell you what.

We will swap fish for two coffees.

You want two coffees? Yeah, yeah. Two
coffees.

You're never going to hate, don't you?

Of course he will. This is Italy.

The entire economy is run on the barter
system.

More tea?

Not again.

Looks like we've had a sighting.

Smugglers and the cagoule men are in a
cafe in Amselstraat.

Come, Inspector.

We must hurry.

Come on.

Si, si, signore.

Very bellissime pilchardo. I don't want
your pilchards. I want money.

Okay, okay.

Make it two tins of pilchards.

Just get out, both of you.

You're making the place smell of fish.

They're so temperamental, these
Italians.

Dave, why don't you face facts?

They don't like pilchards.

Nobody in the world likes pilchards.

No one has ever in the history of the
entire planet actually gone out and

a tin of pilchards, except my gran with
the hairy moles, and she's dead.

They just get shipped all around the
world, never to be eaten.

Nobody, nobody at all in the universe
has ever wanted pilchards.

Give me your pilchards, and I'll help
you.

See?

That's Pilchard's.

Now, let us all stay calm and no one
will get hurt.

Given Pilchard.

Not so fast.

My friend here is very wise.

Hand them over.

Do you think I ought to warn our large
Italian friend here that he is messing

around with two highly trained, highly
efficient killing machines?

Hey, it's a real gun.

No, it's... It's my real head.

It's not the purchase, Bob. It's the
principle.

I am not having foreigners poking their
guns into my best friend's ear.

I will count to five, and then...

Shoot. It's OK, Bob. He's bluffing.

Pardon? If he gets away with it once,
he'll go round nicking everybody's

poochers. Then where will we be?

Troll. Give him the bloody pill.

Swain. No.

He'll soon change his mind when he
realises that we're police officers.

Police officers?

That's right, Pavarotti.

We're poppers.

I enjoy.

Killing police officers, I enjoy it
more.

Dave, he enjoys it.

Oh, yeah?

How many have you killed?

Four. Is that four police officers or
the number four? Five!

What is it?

Inspector Cotton, you can come in now.

Briggs.

Sir. Louis.

Sir, I thought you were in Amsterdam.

I am in Amsterdam.

I thought you two were in Felixstowe.

No, sir.

We're in Venice.

Aha. So you know these men.

Yes.

I'm afraid I do.

They're...

Police officers.

Oh, I see.

I see. So you people at Scotland Yard
have this whole thing planned right from

the beginning.

Clever. Very clever.

Oh, well, you know, we do our best.

Hmm.

You must be very proud of your men,
Inspector.

Oh, yes.

I imagine you will want to give them
both a big slap.

On the back.

Oh, yes.

A very big slap.

On the back.

I thought the super would have let us
come home on a plane.

Yeah.

Can't see a sardine.

It's a tin fish thing with me, really.

Can I borrow your hat?

No.