Original subtitles

Now, remember, Jimmy, you'll only have time to fire off one shot. Will you

me? Just make sure you get ahead.

Don't you see her?

Make sure she's in range.

Riley,

of all people, aren't there any men in your department who can spend 24 hours

with a woman without trying to get their leg over?

Come in.

Just popped in to say goodbye, sir.

Really? Off on holiday.

Cueto Venus.

How nice of you both.

Bloody hell.

That's Bodger, isn't it?

It is as well.

You can't keep him down, can you?

It's his hormones.

I don't know how he does it.

I don't know how he does it. You don't know how he does it?

No.

We don't know how he does it.

They don't know how he does it.

Something's come up.

Oh, this year we're off to sunny Spain.

I don't know what you two are complaining about.

Half the lads in the force will give their right arm for an assignment like

this. I mean, look at this place.

You live like kings here.

Two kings and one queen.

Right. I shall get your bags out of the back.

You two are going to need to save your strength.

Now, remember what I told you. You do not, under any circumstances, lay a hand

on the Duchess. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I can't afford any more screw -ups.

Keep your hands to yourself.

And keep your underpants on at all times.

He doesn't wear them, sir.

He thinks it's sexy.

Don't talk about sex.

Don't talk about it, don't think about it.

For the next two weeks, you two are utterly sexless.

Come on, then, my little lamb. Her ladyship awaits your pleasure.

OK, OK, I'll show you them.

I believe you. No, you don't.

I'm going to show them to you.

What the hell are you doing?

Show him, bob me underpants, sir.

I've only got two minutes and already... Don't you realise this place is

crawling with paparazzi?

No.

Come on, a new place like this.

Journalists, photographers.

I've told you, no matter where you are or what you do in this place, you've got

to assume you're being watched.

One must state to be on the front page of every national newspaper in the

country.

So remember, no cock -ups.

You've got a photograph of the Queen with the Prince of Wales. In an escort.

Brilliant. Now, if you've got a photo of the Queen with an escort in the Prince

of Wales, I might be interested.

Don't waste my time.

Got anything?

Yeah, it seems our favourite bonking duchess has got some new protection.

God knows she needs it.

They've given her two detectives this time.

so they can hold each other's hands.

Here, I'll do it, Thomas.

I'm afraid I'm a bit tied up today.

Now, Thomas, I want something juicy for tomorrow's first edition.

This is your fault, this is.

We could have been on the Costa del Sol now, swigging sangria from a pointy

wallet.

I wish you'd stop going on.

Of all the assignments we could have had, this isn't that bad. Not that bad?

Dave, you heard what Bodger said in the canteen?

Yeah, well, that was Bodger.

He said he was a slave to her sexual desire.

After three days, he didn't have the strength left to take the top off a soft

-boiled egg.

He never saw daylight for a week.

She kept his handcuffs, you know.

He had to sign a chitty for them and all.

God knows what happened to his truncheon.

I don't know what you're worried about.

What do you mean?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

All we have to do is just make sure that while we're here, we don't, you know,

turn her on.

You what?

And for you, not turning a woman on is a piece of cake, isn't it?

You've had years of experience. You've had decades and decades of experience of

non -arousal.

Whereas for you, it's much harder, I suppose.

You could put it like that.

I've just got to be careful, that's all.

I've just got to sort of somehow suppress the natural magnetism with

cursed.

I've got to sort of somehow neutralise my natural myths.

Myths?

Yeah, you know, the pheromones.

I distribute them from my body.

Yeah, well, if you don't wear underpants, it's going to happen, isn't

Yeah, somehow.

Way of making myself not so attractive.

Might limp.

Or squint.

Might pretend that I'm a regular viewer of Top Gear.

I can't make this green button work.

My God, that's not her, is it?

You rang?

You pressed my button.

I bloody didn't.

I'm a keypad.

Her ladyship presses the green button when she needs a rubdown.

I was just, uh, fiddling about.

I can do you if you want, you know.

It'll help tone up your body.

No, no, no, I'm, uh, I'm toned.

What about you?

I do emergencies.

He does me.

Pushy little number this is.

24 hours ago, we could have been on the Costa del Sol.

Now, suddenly, we're in a Derek Jarman film.

I wonder what happens if we press the red button.

I think we've had enough of that.

Get off.

Right, so what are they like?

Hmm? Oh, they're not your type, Trish.

Your type?

No, no, no, they're far too dull.

But could they be fun?

Well, I suppose in some sort of...

dreadful, suburban way. I suppose, yes, they could. I mean, they do have this

rather charming air of innocence about them.

Innocence? Policemen?

Well, perhaps they're from the Never Been Mounted Division.

Simon.

I tell you what, though, you have to be careful not to frighten them to death.

How about if I put on my Virgin Queen act?

I'm not saying, Dan Preston, what I am saying.

is that if you do press it, it's your fault.

You do want me to press it, really.

You just don't want to admit it.

Just press it.

Shall I?

There.

Oh, my God.

Her ladyship is here to see you. Oh, right.

Thank heavens for that.

Remember, Bubba, if anything starts happening in your trousers,

Think of Teddys.

How do you do?

I do hope you're both settling in.

Yes, thank you.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here to greet you when you arrived.

I was in the greenhouse, deadheading the geranium.

I really don't know what's happened to them. They're usually so bright at this

time of the year, but they seem to have gone all droopy.

But enough of my horticultural problems.

I suppose you two would like to settle in.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Please, call me Jane.

No, Your Majesty's fine, Your Majesty.

As you wish.

But I would like you to use my humble little abode as your own home.

All right?

Well... Actually, Your Majesty, there are one or two things that we should

up from the outset.

Bob?

What?

Explain to Her Majesty the one or two things that we should get sorted out.

Well? Well, the thing is... What Bobby's trying to say is that while we're

here as guests in your beautiful home, we don't want any...

Funny business.

Funny business?

Hunky -punky.

Slap and tickle.

Pinky and perky.

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, come, come, come, Your Majesty. We're all men of the world.

Well, that is obviously... You're not a man of the world.

You're a woman of the world.

I can see you're a woman.

Self -evidently, you're a woman.

A very womanly woman, if I may say so.

A woman with a woman's attributes.

And a woman's womanly charms.

You're a woman.

I'm a man.

He's a man.

And he's a chauffeur.

Now, the main thing is that in spite of the fact that we're all in this house,

all sleeping under the same roof, we're not all suddenly going to cast off

our...

Cast up our clothing, such as it is. Cast up our clothing and start...

willy -nilly.

Leaping around all nudey, laughing and giggling like they do on a toilet.

As you wish, officer.

Good.

Then that's sorted, then.

Then we can all calm down and just keep our minds on our work.

Fine.

Which one of you pressed the red button?

I did.

What news of the Dirty Duchess?

Oh, it's not good.

I think I shall have my work cut out this time. It might take a bit longer

usual before nature takes its course.

There are two of them, for God's sake. This should be the story of the decade.

It's a guaranteed front -bench splash.

But I think these two were hand -picked. They couldn't pull a cracker.

I'm in a bit of a hurry, old bean. I'm sure you'll think of something.

You've never let us down in the past.

It's going to have to be tonight.

Oh, no, love. You'll have to do a lot better than that.

Why? Well, as you said, there are two of them.

I think it'll have to be double.

This had better be good. Have one of your reptiles scale the wall of the east

wing about eight o 'clock tonight.

It's the third window by the stables.

The games room.

And make sure he's got his flash with him.

I might need to turn off the light.

What exactly are you planning?

Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.

You and about six million readers.

Here she is.

Just act naturally.

No, don't act naturally.

What's she doing, Bob?

In the swimming pool?

Yeah.

She's swimming.

Typical.

What's she doing now?

She's still swimming.

Breaststroke, I suppose.

You want it to happen, don't you?

You're lying there, praying she's going to try something.

I can see your evil little mind working.

That's ridiculous.

You've got that duchess naked in a bouncy castle full of custard.

You've got a tie to one of those bungee ropes, haven't you?

And she's wearing one of those little triangular bikinis.

You know, those little ones that have only got a front and...

And no back.

And you rub in warm sun oil into her.

Firm.

Naked.

Go on.

Remember what the super said.

That's right.

Dry yourself in front of us.

She'll be over in a minute.

All wiggles and giggles and feminine wiles.

Dave, she's gone.

Any minute now, she's going to come bursting out of there with all guns

And when she does, Bob, we are going to have to be firm.

Boys, I'm off to tend to my geraniums.

You two amuse yourselves here.

Well, she couldn't keep her hands off you, could she, Bob?

Perhaps you're not her type.

Perhaps Bodger's got something you haven't.

You'll never understand, will you, Bob?

What?

Understand what?

Ever since I arrived here, the Duchess has been in turmoil.

She has been fighting with her own emotions because she knows that if she

make a play for me, it wouldn't be just some tawdry, sordid bunker. Oh, no.

She knows.

I know.

The world knows that with her and me, it's a bit of love.

What's that?

What's love, Bob?

What is love?

Oh, wiser men than me have asked that question.

Now, you pillock, what's that?

Bloody hell.

Nick, sunshine.

Hey, it was my turn to say that.

Get your bloody hands off me!

Found this fine young fellow hiding out in the bushes.

He might have a bit of a fight.

He's young and strong, all right, but there's no substitute for professional

training. I'm the one who gave him the Chinese burn.

For God's sake, Janie, tell them.

Oh, dear Peter, what have you been doing?

Peter, I was doing my job.

Yeah, taking pictures of you. And me. And him. In the pool.

I wasn't taking pictures of anybody.

I was looking for badgers.

He was looking for badgers.

I work for the BBC.

I'm third assistant director on Badger Watch.

Look.

There's my identity pass.

Peter Burlington.

Burlington? I'm her brother.

Come on, Janie, stop being such a pain.

I'm afraid my little brother likes playing at David Attenborough.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work.

We're live on air in six hours.

I'm sorry about that, Your Majesty.

Bob got the wrong end of the stick.

He doesn't stop and think, you see. He just flies in.

So it was Bob here who was responsible for arresting my little brother?

Just charged in. Well, Bob, I'd just like to say how safe

it makes a little girl like me feel knowing that there's a big, strong man

you around to protect me.

I think you deserve a little more.

Don't you, Bob?

Close your eyes.

Come on.

Big, strong, bob.

Close your eyes.

get back to it.

Now make sure you stay there till eight o 'clock.

And the ladder will be there, won't it?

You're so insecure.

Just leave it to me.

So what's the next part of the game?

Move in for the kill, I should say.

Which one?

Well, both of them, of course.

Tonight?

Why wait?

Shall we say the game's room at eight?

that, would you, Bob?

Hmm?

Oh.

Ten seconds of tongue -hucking and you turn into a jellyfish.

Yeah.

Well, it was me she kissed.

Yeah. Me.

Bob.

D .C. Louis.

Yeah, well, think what happened to Budger.

I am.

Who's calling?

Do you know where the duchess is?

How should I know? She's your girlfriend. Who is it, anyway?

It's her auntie Elizabeth.

Elizabeth?

Yeah, Elizabeth.

I'll take a message.

Sorry, darling, we don't know where she is.

Any messages?

OK, OK, hang on, hang on.

Sorry, I haven't got a pen. I've got a pen.

Ah, there we go.

OK, carry on.

Aunt Elizabeth called to say she's seen the front page of the news of the world

and we are not amused.

What on earth?

Silly old Moo.

She should know better than call on the mobile.

I mean, walls have ears, don't they?

I told her to hang on.

I said, hang on to the Queen.

And it's not just the phones that are bugged in this place, only the whole

is cropped.

I said, sod it.

I said the word sod to the Queen.

You have done a sweep for listening devices, I suppose.

Eh?

You've done a sweep for bugs. I mean, they owe to all the detectives. As soon

they come here, they sweep for bugs.

Oh, yeah.

We were just about to do that.

Where are we, Bob?

I nearly said bugger.

I should get on to it straight away.

As I said, we were just about to do that.

Well, let's sweep for bugs.

Tell you what, why don't we make a start in the games room?

Red button?

The

games

room.

You have to bring her.

Just because you've got your pinky and perky sorted out for tonight.

I haven't.

All right.

Well, shall we make a start then?

Right? Okay.

Well, go on, then.

Sweep.

Come on, it's time.

Come on.

Well,

well, well.

What's that?

God, you're thankless.

He found his key as well.

LAUGHTER

It's

terribly intensive, isn't it? You must be absolutely exhausted.

Would you like a drink?

I don't mind if I do.

No!

Officer! Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me dab it off for you.

You must get those wet things off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why don't you take your wet trousers off, darling?

What? You're not wearing any.

I bloody am.

Here.

Put these on.

Your friend Bodger left them behind.

Yeah, go on, Dave.

Put your trousers on.

No. Why not?

There's a lady present.

Now it's all boys together now, isn't it?

Not quite.

OK. OK, I'm not wearing any. I bloody knew it.

Just don't look. Turn around.

Don't be stupid.

I can't see.

Of course I can't. Get on with it.

Coming, boys.

Ready or not.

Bingo.

And now we cross live to the grounds of Burlington Manor for Badger Watch.

You join us here in the Berkshire countryside.

just as our family of badgers have come out of the sun.

Several of the cubs have been foraging for earthworms.

We've seen the older male badger, the boar, who's been patrolling the edge of

the territory.

And there we see...

A man without his charger?

With a lion?

Well, there you are.