Original subtitles

Sir?

What the hell are you two doing here?

I thought you had the afternoon off. We heard there was something big, so we

thought we'd see if we could help.

What's the problem, sir?

Suspect briefcase in that back.

We're waiting for the army boys to turn up.

Traffic's backed up for miles.

Do you mind if we go in and have a look, sir?

What? It's our patch, sir.

Our responsibility.

Well, for God's sake, be careful.

Is it?

Yes.

Those are definitely my sandwiches.

What can I say?

This is a commendation job, if ever there was one.

And it should go down very well with the promotions board, I dare say.

Right, let's see which idiot this belongs to.

No, no!

Mildred. Oh, come on.

You lads have done enough.

I just want to see who the pratty's that left it in the bank.

Tied up half a division.

And incidentally, called such a massive traffic snarl up that Her Majesty the

Queen was late.

for an important state banquet this afternoon.

Right, let's have a look at it.

My office.

Now!

Look on the bright side, Bob.

Bright side?

Bright side.

Okay, fine.

Let's look on the bright side.

Oh, joy, oh, joy. Hoorah, hoorah.

We've been suspended.

We've been suspended.

Oh, yes, we have.

Oh, no, we haven't.

According to the super's memo, we have been temporarily relieved of duties

pending an investigation.

If we'd been suspended, it would say suspended, wouldn't it?

That's your trouble.

You always have to be melodramatic.

Always have to make mountains out of molehills.

Dave, we were on news at ten.

Trevor Macdonald called us a pair of pillocks.

What?

That was Julie some ago.

The chief constable of the Metropolitan Police said we were a disgrace to the

force. To the uniform.

He said we would have been great to the uniform.

Mr Brightside, what about this? And I quote, the behaviour of the two

constables was, to say the least, unfortunate and regrettable.

What does the Queen know about police work, anyway?

OK, OK.

What about bumbling bobbies in royal round?

And look, cock up, cock up.

a house as police cause diplomatic incidents.

Man with 15 nipples gives birth to crocodile.

We weren't responsible for anything.

It was you who left his handbag in the bloody bank.

Mind you, what about this?

You're suspended.

Don't under any circumstances use this car.

Look, we've been suspended.

We've got no car.

What are we going to do?

Look at you.

You're always looking on the black side.

Oh, I suppose you've got some fantastic plan.

As a matter of fact, I have.

Come on, then.

What is it?

We go and have a drink.

Oh, brilliant.

Problem solved.

You know your trouble, don't you? You're just a miserable...

A couple of pints down at King's Arms, that'll cheer you up.

King's Arms?

It's the roughest pub in London.

Exactly, Bob.

It's full of villains.

If we want to get back in a soup as good books, what we need to do is nick a

villain. And where do you go round here if you want to nick a villain?

King's Arms.

You're mad.

You know, Bob, you and I are different.

There we go.

You're a pessimist, and I'm an optimist.

We have fundamentally different attitudes to what lies ahead.

You look forward into the future. You only see obstacles.

When I look into the future, I see possibilities.

I see opportunities.

I see challenges.

I can't see the big old.

Yeah, I still see this as an opportunity.

I hate this place.

You're joking, Bob.

It's a pub in London, this is.

Welcome as warm as the lager.

It's a car, then.

Ah, no, Bob, you've got it all wrong.

This is a traditional East End pub.

Full of character.

You haven't let any fancy Dan designers spoil the essential atmosphere of the

place.

up a pub full of real characters.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it's Starsky and Holt.

And good morning, Annie.

Two pints of your real estate, please.

Bitters off.

It's always, I'll just give a son.

Laurie, I want a word with you.

Two nights ago, Me and him apprehended a motorist driving away from this pub.

Oh, yeah?

Was that before or after you brought the entire West End to a standstill?

And he admitted that you'd served him thick double whiskey before he got into

his car.

So what business is that of mine?

Annie, he was under the limit.

You've been watering the spirits again.

You're in love with me, aren't you?

That's why you're persecuting me.

You persecute me because you're burning with desire. You can't sleep for it.

Tossing and turning all night long, thinking Annie, Annie, Annie.

That name that tolls like a bell in your head on and on, endlessly, endlessly,

endlessly. Annie, Annie, Annie.

Well, let me tell you this.

I'm a woman alone in a man's world, and yes, I've had to be hard, bloody hard

sometimes.

But underneath this tough shell, there's a tiny, soft, delicate flower just

waiting to be plucked.

And maybe it's you who's going to pluck me, Mr. Big Bar Detective.

One of these days, I'm going to pull you over the formica of this bar and drag

you down my back passage.

And perhaps then you'll find out who's been watering down the spirits.

Let's have no more, you nonsense.

All

right,

gentlemen, settle down.

We've got a lot to get through today.

I suppose today is what you might call D -Day.

As you know, two of our colleagues from the Covert Operations Unit... have

managed to infiltrate the Sheldon Gang.

The hardest and most vicious bunch of armed robbers in the East End.

And according to intelligence they've gathered, the bank job the Sheldon Gang

have been planning is finally going ahead.

And it happens today.

So we haven't got much time.

Now, they're going to a meeting at an East End pub popular in the local

King's Arms.

That's where they're going to speak to Trump.

Now, I have to stress, two members of the gang are our boys.

They spent months building up their cover.

Security is so tight, even I don't know their identity. When we go in, their

life is not disappearing thin air.

Now, these boys are the elite.

The SAS of the police.

And they're the apple of the chief constable's eye. So don't go shooting

mistake. Sir?

Yeah? When we spring this trap, I mean, seeing as how it's such a special

operation.

Detective Briggs and Louie, they're not involved, are they?

No.

Thankfully, Briggs and Louie are suspended.

This is one operation they won't be able to cock up.

OK. OK.

I'll illustrate the difference between you and me.

Look at this.

What's this I'm holding?

Go on. What is it?

A glass?

Describe it to me.

It's half empty.

Ah! Ha!

What? You see, you, being a pessimist, describe this glass as being half empty.

I, as an optimist, describe it as being half full.

See what I mean?

Something wrong with the beer, Esther?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Well, since you're asking, yes, there is.

A bit cloudy for you, is it?

Cloudy? It's bloody chewy.

My late husband drank four pints of that beer every single night of his life, so

he did.

Exactly. And my grandmother washes her hair in it, so she does.

Well, next time it would be nice if we could get our hands on it before she

does.

You will not seduce me with your rough tongue. By God, you won't.

I don't want to bloody seduce you.

Just because you're a copper doesn't mean you can body search me whenever the

fancy takes you.

Why don't we go somewhere else?

I'm catching fleas sitting here.

Faith.

Trust in what faith has to offer us.

Look, we're not going to get back in the soup with good books sitting in the

snug of the king's arms, chopping watered -down horses' plots.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

I've had a strange tingle ever since we walked in here.

Call it a copper's hunch.

But something doesn't smell right in here.

It's not a hunch, that's Annie Shepard's pie.

Call it what you will, but I've got a funny feeling in me water.

I've got something funny in mine and all.

Where are you going?

I'm getting them in.

Still half full.

You're learning.

Sorry about that. One of them just walked by.

Yeah, they're definitely old Bill.

No, I don't think they know anything. They're just drinking.

Yeah.

Honest, you can trust me.

Leave it to me.

I'll keep them occupied.

Tell the big fella that it's me and he can trust me and I'll keep him out of

way. Tell him that just because I'm... Alright.

What are you looking at?

How do you know I'm looking at you?

I don't know.

I just know, that's all.

My dog tells me.

Either of you two play pool.

Eh? Either of you two play pool.

Yeah, I play a bit.

You any good?

Not bad.

Fancy a game?

Fancy a game?

50 quid.

Name one code against you two.

Okay, so it's you and him against him

and me. 50 quid.

Money up front.

Sounds fair to me.

50 quid.

Very funny.

Well, I said 50, not 5.

Okay, let's shoot some pool.

Please, kids.

Dogs.

Okay,

sir, they're all aboard.

I'd follow them, but keep your distance.

Johnson Q?

Come on, let's get this game started.

Is the ball in the left or the right hand? Left.

Bad luck.

So I'm stripes.

I'm looking forward to this.

Now, listen, cowboy.

I don't want any rushes of blood to the heads of them.

Sure, sir.

And remember, all of you, two of the men in the gang are ours.

Yes, sir. And I repeat, even I don't know who they are. So until our men give

the signal, no fireworks. Understood?

Yes, sir.

be ridiculous.

He barked just when I was taking the shot.

He's a dog.

Dogs bark.

Even I would better to take a shot.

It can't be the dog.

I hope he is.

Another word from you.

Go on, tell him about that one.

Nice shot.

Okay, any moment now, one of the undercover men will make radio contact.

The moment he does, we go in.

Just go for a jimmy, boss.

Before I deliver the cuda grass, I think I'll just go and water the orchids.

Keep your eye on the ball.

He's not going to miss that, is he?

Good dog.

Good dog.

Lovely doggy you are. Good dog.

Good dog.

Good dog.

Okay, lads.

Before we begin, I've got something to tell you. I've heard a whisper. There

two coppers in this pub right now.

Coppers?

Where? Over there.

It's OK.

Blind Billy's taking care of them.

But keep your voices down, OK?

Look, your fault, Dave.

You wanted to play him.

Dave? What?

Look over there.

What?

Isn't that Egghead Evans?

Egghead Evans.

He was in police training school with us. Same year as us.

Always came top.

Bloody hell.

Egghead Evans.

It is him.

Who's he? Bloody perfect.

It was him who had to talk you down when you got that nosebleed on the top of

the rope ladder on that assault course.

He always got the girls.

He stole your girlfriend, didn't he?

No, I swapped her for his exam papers.

First I heard of him, he was in some fancy undercover unit.

Oh, right.

Oi! Edgar!

Oi!

Iggy!

It's no use trying to hide your face.

Lads, lads, wait.

Cobbler, you ain't losing another 50 quid.

Look who it is.

You're looking a bit rough, aren't you?

He was always the best turned out cup of the tender, wasn't he, Bob? He did.

Maybe sick, he did. What's the matter? Has the missus left you, then?

So... How's this undercover lark going, then?

We'd heard you'd join some poncy action man infiltration unit. All black polo

neck sweaters and grappling hooks. Something about getting involved in

robberies. Joining gangs and grassing them up.

So what do you do then?

You get dressed up as a gangster and then try and make friends with him.

I'm a gangster to you.

He's got copper.

Written.

All over him.

Or are you not doing that any more?

You've left a force.

Gee, I don't think it's in.

Who?

No, wrong one.

Far be a thing.

Mr Magoo.

Keep them covered. We've got to go.

And remember, both of you, you didn't see us, okay? You didn't see either of

You've no idea who we are. Do you understand?

Oh, yes, I do.

Don't you ever, ever mention my name.

Goodbye, bit of dog food.

It's you. Not me.

Nor me.

You mean all along?

You two?

You of all people?

Sir, can't we just, you know, keep this back between ourselves?

If the other lads find out this is an undercover operation and that we...

your secret is safe with me. By God, it is.

Sir, about our suspension.

Suspension?

What suspension?

You're both back.

Back?

Back where you belong.