Original subtitles

Thank you.

Yes, sir At least the radio still works, sir

Sit down. We'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.

I've got trousers, sir.

They're wet, you know.

Yes, I know, Louis, I know.

They get very itchy, sir, when they're wet.

Sir, do you mind if we... If you what, Briggs?

Took them off, sir.

You know, when I heard that your car had sunk in 15 feet of water, part of me

hoped you were both still inside it. Can you understand that, Bruce? Yes, sir.

Louis? Yes, sir.

They're dead, I thought. Oh, good, I thought. How can you think that, I

Easy, I thought.

I mean, I'm not normally a vindictive man.

But what actually am I supposed to do with two... Stop dripping on my carpet,

Louis!

Sorry, sir.

Is there anything?

Anything at all?

that either of you is actually any good at anything?

No, sir.

Nothing at all?

No, sir.

Well, I'm pretty good at art, sir.

Art? Yeah.

I've always fancied doing those photo -fit drawings, you know, the ones they

up in post offices.

Well, if you're going to mention stupid things like art, I can play the guitar,

sir.

You can play the guitar, can you, Louis? Isn't that marvelous?

You can play the guitar.

You play the guitar, Louis?

Yes, sir.

What about you, Briggs?

Me, sir.

Do you play any musical instruments?

I can play feelings on the mouth organ, sir.

Liar.

Really?

And I can get halfway through, I come from Alabama.

A mouth organist and a guitarist.

You know, I think I might have an assignment for you two.

Shot through the head.

The only witness was a Labrador.

Lights, please, Constable.

Sorry I'm late, so bad practice.

Ah, Detective Constable Simpson.

You know these two, don't you?

None of it's going to be that sort of film show to come home here.

Our trousers got a bit damp.

I see.

Dangerous assignment, is it?

As a matter of fact, Simpson, it is.

We're investigating a gangland killing. A fellow by the name of Tony Mazzola.

One of the old school.

Vicious, but did a lot of work for charity.

The bastard shot him as he was handing over a cheque to the Institute for the

Blind.

Did anybody say anything, sir?

The word is that Mazzola's death will trigger off an all -out gangland war on

our manor.

I've seen it.

Professionals. Armed to the teeth.

Ruthless.

And I need you three to help sort them out.

Room for another pair of trousers on the radiator, sir.

Why us, sir?

Isn't that more flying squad territory, sir?

I ain't very good at that sort of thing.

I chose you three specially.

And I chose you because you all play musical instruments.

Oh. You see, we've heard a whisper. The bloke behind this murder is Danny Kane.

Runs a nightclub over in Hackney.

Now, he has a live band playing there in the club every night.

We've pulled a few strings and managed to get you three a one week's residency.

As of Sunday.

you will be the three vaqueros.

Vaqueros?

Spanish for cowboys.

I thought of the name myself.

You, Louis, on guitar, Briggs, mouth organ, and what is it you play, Simpson?

French horn or kazoo, sir. Depends how much I like to drink.

Well, you're going to have to get practising.

They're going to pass you off as a real band.

Just learn a few simple tunes, you should get away with it.

But remember, all three of you, Keep your eyes and ears open.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

No heroics.

I don't want you three getting out of your depth and trying anything silly.

You mean like Bohemian Rhapsody, sir?

Tell me, who did you guys used to be?

What do you mean?

You were big in the 60s, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we did Thank Your Luckiest Dad, Ready Steady Go, yeah, all that.

Tell me, did you ever meet Hendrix?

Jimbo!

Yeah, oh yeah.

I've still got his teeth marks on my fretboard.

It's great for all you old guys to be back on the road again.

My name's Polish Joe.

Nice to meet you, uh... Polish.

This is D .C. Briggs.

M .C. Briggs.

Bad -ass mother -kicker.

General Funkmaster.

I didn't catch your name.

Oh, oh.

They call me Old Slow Coach.

Slow Anne.

Slow Anne.

So who's the old guy?

Sammy Simpson, the forces sweetheart.

So let's hear you play.

Play. Sure.

Take me back to the summer of love.

Right. You ready?

Hang on, I haven't got my lips ready yet.

OK, lads.

And remember what I said in rehearsals. It's not a race.

Right, Bob.

Here we go.

You ready?

Ready.

Start.

Give it the G.

I know what the chord is.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

It's impossible.

What the hell are you playing?

Floral Downs. What happened to It's Impossible?

Are you still on that?

I'm shaking like a leaf.

Where's sodding Alice Cooper got to?

He rushed off to the bog to swill his head under the tap.

I thought he was going to have a stroke to you in my generation.

Well, that wasn't too bad.

Find a lager, please.

Keep me lips wet.

Wow. Did you like it?

I don't know. It was just so... Different.

Yeah? What is it?

Oh, it's just a few of the old favourites we used to do with the police

Police?

Yeah. You know.

Sting. You with the police?

He was a sort of roadie in the old days.

While they were still the cadets.

He wrote the words to... Uh

-oh. What is it?

It's the boss man.

And he don't look too happy.

Oh, God.

Tell him we'll do some slower numbers after the break.

And some numbers without any French horn in it.

Thank you, that's the problem.

Music's the last thing on his mind.

He's got troubles.

Real troubles.

What sort of troubles?

Have you heard of a guy called Tony Mazzola?

Is he the gangster from south of the river who got murdered?

Yeah. How do you know that?

He read it in the paper.

Well, the word is the people that blew Tony Mazzola away are planning to kill

Danny Kane, too.

Danny didn't do it, did he?

What do you say?

I was singing.

Dandy diddy doody.

I thought you said Danny didn't do a diddy.

No, no.

Dandy diddy doody diddy.

Did you do da da da?

Danny didn't do a diddy.

Anyway, the heat was sniffing around, eh? He had nothing to do with Tony

Mazzola's murder.

Danny and Tony were great buddies.

But the word is... The people that blew Mazzola away are from out of town.

And they're bad.

Real bad.

Joe? What's up, boss? I want Charlie, Mick and George around the back. I want

the others at the front to check the fire escapes. No one comes in unless

the Archbishop of Canterbury, and even then I want him strip -searched, OK?

Yeah. I don't trust nobody until I find out who these clowns are.

Speaking of which, who are these three?

It's a band, boss.

Kosher?

No, the three of the Keros.

Do they do requests?

I don't know.

Well, if they do, tell them to play Killing Me Softly. It might be

With Killing Me Softly, do you want the standard Roberta Flack arrangement or

the... Oh,

wow!

That was the number dedicated to all you little ladies out there.

And it was called...

Feelings? I wasn't playing feelings.

Thank you, Bob.

Are you playing feelings?

I now like to play you one of my own personal favourites, and I know that

going to like this one.

And it's a song that always takes me back to my time over there in that city

the bay.

The lovely, lovely lady I met one night at the chip shop.

So if you're with someone very special this evening, I want you to...

Reach out and touch them.

And listen to these beautiful lyricals.

But they mean as much to you as they do to me.

Masked intruders.

One of them didn't leave a card by any chance, did they?

A card?

Yeah, they left their names and addresses.

For God's sake, Dave. I'm telling you, it was a woman.

A woman? Look, she kissed me and it was definitely a woman.

Do you think I don't know what it feels like to be kissed by a man?

He was shaken up. They roughed him up a bit, you know.

Bad.

Let's put it like this.

He'll have to stand up to play his own from now on.

So who did this?

Music lovers?

Nobody knows, man.

That's why the boss called a big powwow.

A summit meeting for all the big -time hoods.

In half an hour, man, this place will be filled with the most dangerous guys in

London.

Say, if I were you, I'd be out of here.

Good idea.

Come on, Doug. Let's go.

Bob!

Where are you going? Out.

Home. The pub.

Anywhere. Let's get out of here.

That's great, Barry.

What is?

Here's our big chance to get some inside information. Do you want to go down the

pub? I'm not staying here.

You know what the super said.

Don't do anything silly.

Don't get out your depth.

Well, 20 feet under the Thames in a concrete overcoat is out of my depth.

Don't you know a golden opportunity when you see one?

If we get the SP on these villains, we get back in the super's good books.

They have specially trained policemen for this sort of thing.

They don't have to know we're here.

What are we going to do, hide?

Where?

Oh, no.

No.

No, no, no.

No, David.

No!

So their game is blackmail and extortion.

They've got the inside info on all of us.

So far they've had a go at Aradios, Scarface, Billy, and they've put Big

the hospital.

And you can see the mess they made of this place.

That's not to mention what they did to Tony Mazzola.

And none of you have got any idea where this new outfit comes from?

Well, what about the law? Don't they have any leads on this?

Police?

Don't talk to me about pigs.

There was two face -double -crossing bastards involved in our business.

Yes,

Ron, what is it?

It might be our only clue.

It came through on my answer phone last night.

Mr Blackwell demand.

Says it's from that new mob.

They want 200 grand more or they're going to tell the law about my forgery

How do they know about that scam?

I know everything about everybody.

Here you are, Joe.

Stick this on and turn it up.

You know what's good for you, Ronnie?

When you lose your life, and what do you?

200 grand. You can call it insurance.

Otherwise, we make a phone call, give the old bill, you know, chapter and

We'll be in touch, sweetheart.

I want to hear that again.

Oh, no.

What? Nothing.

And turn it up a bit this time.

I think I might just recognise that voice.

You know what's good for you, Ronnie?

Don't you lose your life anymore, do you?

200 grand.

You can call the insurance.

Otherwise, we make a phone call.

Give the old bill. You know, it's not true.

Do you want everybody to hear?

Yes, sir.

It's our ears.

No, sir. It's our ears.

I want you very, very quietly to tell me exactly what you've heard.

I want you to tell me everything you've picked up about Danny Kane.

I want names, times, faces, places.

Like James Luck, I'm asking. Tim McWright said Craig looked like the new

No, Tom, look, boss.

It's amazing what young people listen to nowadays, isn't it?

OK, are we ready?

I've started, son.

What's he look like? She was.

Sweet cigar.

Well, bloody hell, I might have guessed. If it ain't the merry widow.

Become good friends.

Really nothing from the best of this.

Thanks, sir.

I had a bit of trouble with the eyes.

And the nose.

And the mouth.

Although I say so myself, it's not a bad likeness.

Well, I still think it looks like Meryl Streep.

No, that's definitely her.

So who is she, sir?

Well, we heard on very good authority that the woman you saw with Danny Kane

none other than Irene Mazzola.

Mazzola?

Wicked world, isn't it, Louis?

Tony Mazzola's wife.

So it was her who bumped up Tony.

Bumped him off, and now she's using all the files and records he kept over the

past 20 years to blackmail his business associates.

Clever.

Damn clever.

So what about the rest of the gang, sir?

They're all women.

Wives and girlfriends are villains.

Seems they think they can do a better job than their husbands.

Bloody hell.

Women.

Women.

Used to be called the gentlest sex.

Not content to stay at home and look after their kids. Oh, no.

Try your best.

You work all the hours God sends.

And they run off with a ginger ale bloke behind the counter at Nat West.

That's what I said.

Still good luck to her, I say.

So what do you want us to do, sir? Do? What can I do? I've tried talking to

She won't even answer the phone.

No, sir.

What do you want to do about Irene Mazzola?

Do? Oh, right.

Yes, well, we've learned that the Mazzola gang have a headquarters in the

End.

And that's where I want you two to go next.

It's a woman's only health club called The Combat.

The gang meet there every Thursday in the sauna.

It's where they plan their stick -ups.

Isn't this going to be a bit tricky?

Oh, you mean two men in a women's only health club?

Well, it is a consideration, sir.

I have a plan. It's all under control.

You two like the water, don't you?

Now, with the money Danny Kane's given us, we can go to work on Charlie

McPherson's Greyhound and Noveling operation.

My Tony, he had it all on tape.

Ouch!

This stuff's horrible. He keeps ripping all the ears out of me legs.

It's only to use a talcum powder.

Come on, let's bring it all the way.

So gold.

Another holiday in Rio.

Thanks to Charlie, the ball squeezer.

Which is right where we got him.

We've got nothing.

Okay.

Sorry about this, ladies.

There seems to be something blocking the filtration unit.

I think we're going to have to blow out the system.

Yep, that's right.

Right, right. Now, Sharon, I want you on the well, is that okay?

Rose, do remember to bring the shooter.

And then watch out, girls, for them undercover cops.

I've had a whisper.

They're right on our tail.