Original subtitles

And here comes Janet Rose.

I then suggested that Detective Constable Louie should set up an

and asked him to round up six men who looked like the man in the police video.

At least they stuck to procedure for once.

Unfortunately, Detective Constable Louie misunderstood my instructions and

arrived at West End Central with six men who looked like Sting, a member of a

popular beat group.

This is going to hop.

What do you suggest I do with them, sir?

Everybody knows they're incompetent, they're bungling, and they're dishonest.

That was it.

Serious crime squad, I suppose.

I don't care what you do with them, Frank.

I want you to put them somewhere where they can't do any harm.

I've done everything, sir.

They're just a pain in the... I suppose there

is one case we could get them out of the country and off our backs.

Oh, really, sir?

I'd have to ask the Chief Constable for special permission, of course.

Do you want me to approach the Chief Constable for you, sir?

No, no, no. I'll do it.

Chief Constable?

Yes, Your Honour?

What do you think of Briggs and Louis for the case of the missing seaman?

Let them work, they say, Bob.

Bit of foreign travel.

I'll have a quick word with the local gendarmes, shower and a shave, and then

out with the frowlites.

Maybe take a look at the Casbah, find a two at the local jungle juice, stroll

down the Raper Barn, three coins and a fountain, back to the hotel for lucky

videos.

Dave, this is Jersey, not bloody Kuala Lumpur.

What time is it?

Hang on.

What time is it? Hang on, hang on.

1 ,020.

Air pressure.

You get into duty free, you'll buy anything, won't you?

If I didn't spend all my money on poncy perfume.

Money spent on personal hygiene is never wasted, Bob.

Just smell that sea airy.

All I can smell is 40 quids worth of old...

One naked flame and your jawbone will go up like a fireball.

Oh, spice.

I've no idea, have you?

It's beaver musk.

You smell like Barbara Cartland's bra.

Well, then, he should have been here to meet us by now.

Who should?

The bloke from the Jersey police who's supposed to be looking after us,

Detective Beaujolais.

Fucking Beaujolais?

Yeah, something like that. Beau something. You know, like the wine.

You mean you can't remember his name?

I told you.

Body name.

Like the make of a wine.

B, B.

Bollinger.

Burgundy. No.

No, it's not Burgundy.

This is brilliant. This is... Bald's blood.

Detective Bald's blood. Oh, yes.

Yay.

It's Jim.

Look, I've been here an hour, and there's no sign of these two detectives

the smoke.

Yes, of course I'm sure. I know what detectives look like.

All I've seen here is bloody tourists.

Thanks, in the boat. How much is that, pal? That's £4 .50, please.

Bob, Bob.

We're abroad, haggle. You are? Go on, barter.

£2 .50.

Eh? OK.

£3 .50.

Er, £4 and a miniature.

Miniature?

OK, OK.

£4 .50 and a packet of cigars.

£5 and two mini -chips.

Thank you very much.

This stuff tastes like opal fruits.

Is my nose going red?

Yes. Liar.

It was good of the super to give us a paid holiday like this, wasn't it?

We're supposed to be on a special assignment.

Yeah.

We don't want to kill ourselves, do we? What are we supposed to be doing?

Looking for some missing semen.

What?

Bundy -legged blokes with tattoos?

Semen? Well, who's semen?

Dizzy Rose, the racehorse.

The one that always comes first.

Dizzy Drop of his... His...

You know, love gift.

It's worth a small fortune, 500 ,000 pounds a pint.

Bloody hell.

That's more expensive than one of those cocktails.

Somebody kidnapped the horse, showed him a good time, and then smuggled the

stuff out of the country.

The word is it was brought to Jersey.

Someone here who knows about horses has probably got it stashed away in a chest

freezer by now. All we've got to do is find it.

Well, it should be easy enough.

trying to find two fingers of frozen horse fluid in an area the size of

Glamorgan.

It's always the same for you, isn't it?

Moan, moan, moan.

Ever since we left London, it's been, I feel sick.

I'm too hot.

I don't like foreign food.

You've forgotten the case file.

I didn't say you've forgotten the case file.

No.

But you will when you find out I have.

You've forgotten to bring the case file.

I didn't forget to bring the case file.

Well, where is it?

Why, no.

I should think it's just docking at Pool Harbour.

You left it on the ferry.

Oh, for God's sake, relax.

We're on holiday.

A confidential case file, and you leave it on the ferry. We don't need the

bloody case file.

Anyway, we can use our heads.

I've been doing some homework.

Who do you think on this island would want to buy half a pint of horsie?

Is there a Jersey branch of camera?

I'll take a look at this.

What is it, a message from Interpol?

No, I'll rip you out the phone book.

Look under H for horses.

The Royal Jersey Bloodstock Association.

You see? Don't be ridiculous.

They breed horses.

So does the Queen Mother.

The only people on this island who've got anything to do with horses. We've

to start somewhere.

The Royal, the Royal Jersey Bloodstock Association. We mustn't allow ourselves

to be intimidated by fancy organisations with fancy titles.

Horse breeding is very big business.

We could be up against some very high -powered villains.

I suppose a big semen ring on the charge sheet would look pretty impressive.

I think that during the course of this investigation, we're going to find some

very respectable people with some very dirty linen.

And so, in summation, gentlemen, the continuing health of the Bloodstock

is a great credit to the standard of equine management here in the states of

Jersey. And moreover...

Okay, everybody, keep your hands where we can see them.

Who the hell?

Button it, Grandad.

What should I say?

Godfather.

I beg your pardon.

What's this one, Dave? He's lippy.

Okay,

Chatterbox.

You like to talk.

Let's chat.

Who the hell are you? Don't worry who you are. Who are we?

I mean, who are you?

Yeah.

I think I need to leave the room.

Nobody leaves until we get some answers.

I'm calling the police.

We are the police.

Then this is a total abuse of common decency and civil liberties.

Oh.

Communists as well, are we?

OK.

Enough of this pussy -footing around.

Where is it?

Where is what?

Oh, dear, oh.

Dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

You want to play it the hard way?

We'll play it the hard way.

You play ball with us and we'll talk turkey with you. Talk turkey?

Listen, old man.

You may be the top dog on this little island, but where we come from, we eat

little fish like you for breakfast.

Yeah. Just because you're a big cheese in a small pond.

Doesn't mean to say you're not small fry when the big fish fly into town.

What are you talking about? Is this some sort of a code?

What it's trying to say is, where's the odd horse, Seaman?

That shut you up, didn't it?

We're looking for Seaman.

And from where I'm standing, you're in it up to your ears.

You can all put pictures of the Queen on the wall.

We can all have fancy offices and big, fat cigars.

We can... Bloody hell, Dave.

This picture's signed.

To all my friends of the Royal Geary Bloodstock Association, best wishes and

thanks for the crew, it said.

Elizabeth R.

She happens to be the patron of our association. Now, what the hell is all

about? What?

Elizabeth R, the Queen.

This organisation has been in existence for over 200 years, and these gentlemen

are some of the wealthiest and most highly respected people in the island.

OK,

everybody, just calm down.

Right, I want both your names. Now, you've picked on the wrong people this

My ex -son -in -law happens to be a very senior member of the Jersey Police

Force. Hello, Mary.

Get me Jim Bergerac.

That's it!

Bergerac!

He's in perfect condition.

Yes, but is she in season?

Just look at the way your stallions are acting up.

Listen. If the super find out about that little boardroom fiasco, we're right in

it. Any more brilliant suggestions?

Yeah. I suggest that we make the most of this cushy number and go out and have a

bloody good time.

Now, get a move on.

Taxi will be here in a minute.

What?

On your face.

Nothing.

Fake tan.

Tell you what, you'll learn something about a bloke when you share a room with

him. That's not fake tan, though.

I've got this special skin, you know, sensitive.

That reflects the ultraviolet light.

Nature tan.

For a fabulous, natural, golden complexion.

I didn't buy it.

It was with that stuff we confiscated off that dodgy market straw.

Product of Iraq.

Keep away from eyes. All very natural.

Looks like you, wasn't it?

Who used to say that aftershave was specific? Now you're all doing it.

You'd never catch me wearing fight tan just to impress the women.

There's nothing macho about looking like Mr Pastry.

At least I don't use baby talcum powder.

It's athlete's foot powder, actually. I bought a job lot.

Athlete's foot.

I hope you don't use my scrubbing brush to clean your feet.

That'd be ridiculous.

I used your toothbrush.

I'll be the taxi.

Tonight.

Tonight.

This is one bloody big holiday for you, isn't it? Absolutely.

Any excuse just to go pulling women?

What do you suggest, eh?

Shall we go down Bee Jams and ask them if they've got half a pint of horse

in the freezer?

Yes, we'll be right down, just as soon as bloody Michelle Pfeiffer has finished

her makeover.

Sorry, sir.

Super.

Mr Hungerford made an official complaint, had he?

Well, it was Dave's idea, sir.

Whose idea it was? It was bloody stupid.

What? Listen.

Tip off an intercom. There's a wealthy Arab horse breeder on his way to Jersey,

so things might be starting to happen.

Detective Sergeant Berger could be around to see you tomorrow and tell you

to do. In the meantime, stay out of harm's way and keep a low profile.

Low profile, yes, sir.

I'll deal with the complaint at this end, but I don't want any more rough

You're not in New York.

Try to blend in and don't draw attention to yourselves.

Understood?

Understood, sir.

I could get athlete's chest because of you.

Excuse me.

Harvey Headbanger for me, please, Parman.

Anything that doesn't taste like opal fruits.

I thought the super said we were supposed to be keeping a low profile.

The air conditioning unit set it off.

If he wants us to keep out of harm's way, might as well enjoy ourselves, I

suppose. Too right.

Down the hatch. Cheers.

Strong stuff.

Friday night.

Disco night.

Oh, really?

Disco, eh?

Well, super set blend in. So let's mingle with the locals.

I'll tell you what, though, I'm getting some looks here.

The magic's working.

Smoking in the state.

No, no, no. Finish your cigarette.

I'm sorry, Mr Andrews. And when you've finished it, get your coat and get off

property. Mr Andrews. And if we didn't have to attend to that little business

this afternoon, you'd be going with him.

Mr Andrews, come on.

Are you still here?

How much does he know?

I don't know.

But, uh, word gets around, doesn't it?

Well, by 7 this evening, it'll all be over anyway.

Yes, Mr. Andrews.

And once the mayor is in full, nobody will be able to prove a thing.

Bob Louie?

Yeah?

Oh, well, come in.

Your visit, Roger.

Oh, you've come to do the sheets.

You didn't even bother reporting to me like you were told to.

You fail to inform me of any of your activities, then you go bursting into

AGM of the Royal Jersey Bloodstock Association like the S .A. Bloody S.,

your pea shooters about.

I don't let us have any bullets.

It's the most influential people in the island breathing down my neck now.

If I had my way, I'd put you both back on a ferry to Poole.

However, your superintendent tells me this case you are investigating is about

to become interesting.

The word is the Sultan of Benares is coming to Jersey.

The Sultan of Benares?

Isn't he that bloke with 20 wives?

20 wives and 200 of the best racehorses in the world. Now, why would a man like

that want to come to Jersey?

Perhaps he's run out of places to hold his stagnates.

It's obvious, isn't it?

He wants to buy some semen.

I should imagine he needs it.

Now, enough people watching the port. I suppose he could possibly slip in by a

boat.

You listening to me?

Yes, sir.

Now, the only thing we don't know is who is he going to come see.

You got any ideas?

Ideas?

Well,

you must have a case file. What are you planning to do next?

Well, we thought we'd hire a bike.

They reckon it's the best way to see the island.

You know, you miss so much when you're in a car.

I think it will be best if you stayed out of our way for now.

If I need you, I'll call you.

Yeah, you'll need this.

If it bleeps, drop everything.

Get yourself down to the station, all right?

In the meantime, enjoy your holiday.

I think you'd better see this, sir.

Some bloke used to be a stable hand down at Sir Arthur Andrews' place.

Said old Arthur's been expecting a visit from the Sultan of Benares.

Said he'd know what that meant.

So it's Arthur Andrews, is it?

Sir Arthur Andrews.

Well, I suppose I'd better alert those two clowns from London.

He's so childish.

Look, he gave me the bleeper. I've got to look after it.

Are you sure this is the quickest way to get round the island? That's what it

said in the leaflets, and it's my turn to drive.

Yes, well, it's my turn for the saddle.

Look,

I promise you, Mr Bertarac, I don't know anything about it. Calm down, Jeff.

What's this all about, Mr Bertarac?

Arthur Andrews asked you to artificially inseminate one of his mirrors, yeah?

Golden Lady, his best thoroughbred.

Did he tell you which horse would be the fire?

I assumed it was one of his stable.

OK, now I want you to call Arthur Andrews and tell him you are sick.

Sick? Yep, and you're going to send a colleague. No, no, you're going to send

two colleagues.

Your Highness, this is my stable hand.

If that is your stable hand, this must be your unstable hand.

You are sure these horse doctors can be trusted?

We have no choice, Your Highness.

My regular vet is thick, and these are the only two he will recommend.

But they need know nothing other than this is a routine insemination.

Come on, come on.

Testing, testing.

Testing, testing. One, two, three, testing.

OK,

receiving you loud and clear.

Now, remember, don't take any chances. I'm sure you both know you're dealing

with ruthless men who think nothing of blowing your brains out. OK?

Go on then.

This isn't going to work, Bob.

They say horses can smell fear.

I don't mind the horses. I can smell it.

Lovely.

Testing. Sorry?

Nothing.

Absolutely perfect.

How many hands, would you say?

Hands? Go on, just by looking, how many hands?

What? You, or the horse?

I've got business.

Let's get to the business end, shall we?

Better warm our hands up a bit then, Dive.

Wouldn't want to give her a shock, would we?

Come on, then.

Get on with it.

Right, bub.

Off you go.

We can't make a move till Andrews produces the scene.

Wouldn't want to be premature, would we, sir?

The leash is a nice horse, Bob.

Why don't you shut up?

For God's sake, stick your arm up and get her ready.

I don't suppose I could borrow your arm, could I?

Miss, can you give me the stop?

Okay, Dave.

I'm going in.

I've got to hand it to you, Bob.

Here it is, gentlemen.

Thanks, Jim.

Let's let him go there for a minute.

Bob!

Are you all right?

I've lost me watch.