Original subtitles

Get away!

Only us! Get away!

Come on, Jack Brown. Don't do anything dumb.

Freeze!

Back off, copper!

No, no, no, no, no.

You've got it all wrong.

Cut it.

Cut.

I don't want a clue.

Nope.

What the hell have Bodie and Doyle spotted this time?

They're rather keen for technical advisors, aren't they?

They shouldn't be allowed on the bloody set. Calm down, Derek. Just breathe and

relax.

Open it.

So, gentlemen.

What enormous colours have you spotted this time?

Not enough buttons on the uniforms, balaclavas, not the right colour.

Honestly, they've no idea of the... Jane, darling, fetch me my tablets,

you, please?

You see, Donald... Derek, Derek.

You see, Derek, if you want this thing to be your thing, you've got to think

thing through.

You've got to think like a policeman.

I mean, this little scene of yours is supposed to be a hostage situation,

Right. What's known technically as a situation hostage Alpha Golf Sierra.

Shags.

Now, what you're trying to establish is that that girl is in mortal danger.

Right?

We know that in this situation, the last thing that a real detective would do is

send in a fully armed SWAT team.

Bloody ridiculous.

Stay down on me, old mate.

Derek, in a situation that's very delicate and lies at a stake, the last

you want to do is to send in a Chippendale armed with automatic

And why exactly wouldn't I send in a SWAT team on a hostage situation?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Isn't it obvious?

I mean, if this lot come flying in here like that... The gunman is going to

shoot the girl.

Yes. Well, there you are, then.

We rest our case.

But that's exactly what's supposed to happen.

What is?

The girl.

She's supposed to get shot at what it says in the script.

Not very nice.

If you'd bothered to read your script, I presume you can read, can you? If you'd

bothered to read your script, you would realise that he wants her killed because

she has been blackmailing him about his secret lover.

Who's his secret lover?

Him.

The whole thing is about to be a set -up.

Oh.

What about him? He's his brother.

Positive? Are you sure you wouldn't like to speak to the scriptwriter and get

him to change the entire storyline?

If that's what you want, Decker, you're the boss.

Right, paces, everybody.

We'll stand up again from the start.

And this time, can you hold... Thank you.

OK, everybody.

That's tea.

Sorry, everyone.

Hold on. The company of yours wants to take it a bit easy, sweetheart.

We can only help him so much, you know.

Come on.

Get a cup of tea, eh?

You know, for

one delicious moment there, I thought you were going to be a widow, Jane.

I want to admit it.

You had your fingers crossed.

Only two tablets away from perfect happiness.

And a half -decent TV series.

Great dish, isn't it? I've got six autographs all ready to die.

And I reckon that big woman fancied me.

Which big woman?

That extra.

The one who's playing the barmaid.

Every time I pointed out a technical error.

Her eyes were burning into me. After the 13th take, she had to be physically

restrained from grabbing hold of me. You think every woman fancies you, don't

you? Big women always go for me, Bob.

What about you? What about me?

Do you find big birds sexually attractive?

These blokes get paid a fortune just for pulling faces and falling over.

No, no, no. There's more to it than that, Bob.

I mean, acting.

It's a tricky business.

They have special colleges for acting.

With their own exams and everything.

Takes years to do it properly.

Exams for acting.

What kind of exam do you have for acting?

You have to walk into this big room and...

Pretend to be somebody else.

Or a tree or something.

You have to pretend to be a tree.

Or a buzzard.

Well,

I could do that.

Oh, no, you couldn't, you see.

Not without training.

You can't just walk in off the street, just anybody, and start pretending to be

a tree. You'd look ridiculous.

I'd like to do it better than some of these actors.

It's an art, Bob.

So what's the difficult about being a tree?

I mean, you just stand up and put your arms out.

All right, then.

Jeremy Irons, prove it.

What?

Now?

Yeah.

Show us how you do a tree in an acting exam.

And there's one blowing in the wind.

Afternoon, Louis.

In your own time... I was just... Just what?

I was just impersonating... an oak tree.

Blowing in the wind.

Like I always say, there's always a simple, rational explanation for

Yes, sir.

Do you do other impressions?

I mean, do you ever pretend to be a police officer?

No, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, listen to me, you two.

Our women in the force would give their right arms for this cushy little number.

But from what I've heard, you two haven't exactly been endearing yourself

thespian friends.

Oh, sir.

I mean, that business with the interrogation scene, that wasn't our

We were just trying to show what, you know, what really happens when you get a

suspect down the neck.

He didn't know it was a real chair.

No, I thought it was a prop. You know, one of those impulsive ones that falls

pieces when you... When you hit somebody over the head.

What do you think, sir?

You're just a little sort of... bunk?

Little pop on the head.

With a chair?

I don't want to know.

Just remember, we like to keep on good terms with these television people, and

you should be doing everything you can to help them.

You shouldn't be hitting them over the head with chairs.

Or pretending to be a tree.

It just doesn't look right.

No, sir.

Oh, by the way, Louis.

After your performance just now, I think I'll put you in for a transfer.

Transfer? Yeah.

To the special branch.

Feeling any

better? Yes.

I mean, all this is over, we'll go away for a couple of days, hmm? Just the two

of us.

You'd better get out there.

No.

Yes, and please try and keep those two idiots away from me, will you?

I will.

Come on. Yeah.

All set, Derek.

OK, Terry, you'd better get clear.

Just wait for me to give the word and then let it blow.

Got it.

And remember, we only get one shot of this.

Fingers crossed.

The super's right, you know. We should do more to help out.

Yeah, we could volunteer as extras.

Extras? Yeah.

That seems easy -peasy.

We could help out on one of them crowd scenes.

What, actually appear in shot?

Yeah, on the telly.

Why not?

Louis here.

Technical advisor.

Television squad.

Oh, blimey, it's Crusher down the nick.

Hello, Crusher.

What does a big oak tree?

A big oak tree, yeah.

Blowing in the wind.

Blowing in the wind?

It looked all right, Billock.

I didn't think I was an oak tree.

I was just pretending to be an oak tree. Oh, here comes Derek. Let's have a word

with him about being extras.

Hang on, Crusher. Hang on.

Derek.

Not the truncheons again, please.

No, no, no, no, Royce. It's me and Bob we've been thinking.

Congratulations.

You see, Des, we'd like to help out.

With the programme?

We thought we'd be extras.

Just little parts in the background.

You want to act?

No, we'd be tiny little dots in the background. You know, passers -by,

drug addicts. Well, I suppose you're to keep you out of trouble. Have a word

with the assistant director. See what he wants for the casino scene.

Your aunt?

Don't suppose you can do any more damage than you've done already.

Hello, Terry.

Ready to roll in five minutes.

What do you mean, who's Terry?

Who's Crusher?

Carry on.

For you.

Wait till the boys have a nick here about this.

You must be joking.

What? If you think I'm telling Crusher Collins and Fartlighter Freddy I'm

sitting there... You'd be brave enough.

Oh, for God's sake, Bob, relax.

It's just that I've never had make -up on before.

What?

Christmas fancy dress party, 1979.

I was Jabba the Hutt, you were Princess Layla.

That was different.

We can say that again.

You really got carried away.

When the lads from Vice had had a few, you had to hide under my furry cape.

I remember things, you see.

Well, I don't see why you remember. It's a silly thing, isn't it?

Being dressed up as a woman, hiding in the lavatory.

under a bright green furry overcoat.

How's that?

Fine. And how about you?

I don't know, maybe... Maybe just, you know, a little bit more on the nose,

to be on the safe side.

Oh, for God's sake, Dave, that won't be your nose. Oh, it might.

You'll be this big at the back of the shot.

Oh, shot?

Oh, now who's getting all so busy and carried away?

Oh, God.

Remember to dust his bald spot.

Honestly, some people are so unprofessional.

Jane, I was wondering if you could touch me.

Sorry, officer.

Oh, sure, there's a joke.

Oh, how very funny.

You couldn't resist the smell of grease paint, eh, officer?

No, we thought we'd help old Derek out.

Oh, yes, good old Derek.

Such a sweetie.

He's an old pussycat.

It's not been well, though, eh?

Let's see, Jane.

Come on, tell the detective about it, Jane.

He's having some trouble with the bypass.

Oh, yeah, I've had a bugger of a job getting here myself.

No, it's his heart, officer.

He could drop dead at any minute.

Simon? Just warning the officer.

Tell him if anything should happen to your poor old Derek, he won't start

getting all suspicious.

I know what you policemen are like.

Never off duty, eh?

No.

Must be off and learning lines.

Lines? I didn't think you had any lines.

No, I just thought I'd make some up, you know, so I'd have something to say when

I'm standing in the background.

Where did you get those?

My friend.

They're what's called the Thebos.

They look just like the real thing, but they have absolutely no effect.

Now, imagine... Imagine what would happen if they were mixed up with the

A very merry widow.

Ricky, did you deal with your little problem?

I suppose you could call it the perfect murder.

No -one suspects you set up the bank job scam to get rid of the girl.

Told you. Be careful.

on things like this.

This isn't a real game.

You're just supposed to pretend.

Jane,

darling.

Give me my jacket, would you, please?

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

It's your first time.

I mean, I remember my first appearance.

I was supposed to be a vicious SS officer in Colditz.

All I had to do was walk across the courtyard, look up and shout, Gotten

Himmel.

Could I get it right?

I kept shouting and then looking up.

The director said it looked as though a bird had pooed on my head.

Oh, I was wrecked. at the end of it.

They cut the scene anyway.

Another drink?

Pint.

Campari and soda.

Love it.

It's all part of being an extra.

That's the point.

We're not extra.

We're supposed to be police technical advisors.

So you're a policeman, then?

Yes. I've always wanted to be a police officer.

That way I could get younger every day.

God damn it, we've got to get out of this place.

I can't get back to the simple things, you know, like chasing muggers and

thumping drunks.

You can't let Derek down, Bob.

He needs our help.

That's not what he said.

Not in so many words, no.

Piss off, you pair of toffpots, is what he said.

He was just being theatrical.

These people are very highly strong.

So what part are you playing then?

What's your role?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Are you meant to be a bird or what?

Of course he's a bloody bird. He's not a farm, is he?

Let me ask it.

Well, I thought you'd know how to speak in part once.

Oh, God, you've set him off now.

On vision on.

Mr Briggs, Mr Louie, quick, it's Derek.

Another retake, is it?

No, no, he's... he's dead.

Sure.

Oh, are you two police officers?

Yeah. What happened?

Oh, heart attack.

Massive.

It's probably brought about by a sudden stress situation.

I keep mumbling something about roulette.

As the gambler was in.

Anyway, I'll need you to sign these papers.

Poor old Teddy.

I wonder if I'll get to finish the series.

Yeah, well, I'm sure we'll work something out. Why don't you two run

Jane would like to be left alone.

Yeah, um...

Your husband was on medication, wasn't he, Mrs... Yes, he was.

You wouldn't happen to have the tablets handy, would you? Just from my report.

I didn't see any tablets, did you, Jane? No, no, you must have left them

somewhere. Oh.

Oh, well.

Hey.

That's me there.

And that's me, look.

Waving. Oh, you didn't wave, did you?

Well, it's better than grinning at the camera and mouthing, hello, Bob.

Well, I think we've seen enough.

Oh, sir, sir, just one more time, sir.

It's heartening to know, isn't it, lads, that these two are as bad at acting as

they are at police work.

It's funny how you look fatter on the screen.

Louie, we've seen it five times already.

No, wait, sir.

Stop. Wind it back.

What is it, Louie?

You see that?

It can't be, can it?

The tablet.

Bloody hell.

Get away!

Hold it up! Get away!

Come on, Jack. Don't do anything dumb.

You see, Simon, you got it all wrong.

We've been around a bit, haven't we, Dave? And we know a thing or two about

murder.

Murder?

Yes, Mr Kenneth Bloody Branner.

It's all right, Dave.

There's a wall behind that door.

He won't get far.

Bob called the flying squad. Adam's around the place.

You'll soon be learning that no matter how good an actor you are, in the end,

somebody will see through you.

Of course, we knew all along.

I suppose you'll want to speak to me, won't you, officer?

I might have known you'd try something silly. I should have warned you.

Don't you worry about it, love.

We were on to him from the start.

Then we just swung into action like a well -oiled machine.

No, he's the one we're after, and he's the one we'll get.

So let's just put it down to experience, shall we?

What do you say, Bob?

You are.

Yeah.

Andy, grab a grand. You could win a serious amount of money. We've got a

sensational gotcha Oscar. And don't forget, MTV could be coming to your

So try... Look.

Um... What... Hang on, you should do it.

Steady, pal.

Steady. Come on, lovey. You'll never get away with it. Don't fall for me. I'll

shake us against it.