Original subtitles

If I were a rich man, I'd be a little, little, little, little rich.

Oh, I'd be a rich man.

I'd be a rich man.

I'd be a rich

man.

So you've finally found the place, then?

We had a bit of trouble, sir.

It's Dave. He's not used to driving in the country.

Oh, yeah.

When you said second on the left after the post office, Mr Navigator here

thought that included tiny little dirt tracks with great big signs saying, pick

your own strawberries.

One wrong turn. Two.

It was your idea to drive across the potato field. That was a shock.

Dave, you were ploughing crops.

We were being followed by seagulls. Next time we get called out to the back of

beyond. You can drive.

Right. We might get out of second gear, then. Just you remember, James Dean, it

is better to arrive late than to arrive dead.

His name was Hubert.

17th Earl of Lisson, to be exact.

And all of this belonged to him.

I thought this was a hotel.

It is a hotel.

You see, the Earl had problems, financial problems. He had bad gambling

That's why he had to open his house up to paying guests.

Oh, yes.

Very nice.

There's a hotel register.

All the names of all the guests.

Nobody leaves until you've got statements from all of them, OK?

Mr and Mrs Smith.

Sir Lionel Keith, Jenny Palmer.

Four guests, four potential suspects.

I want you to find out what they were all doing at exactly ten past eight this

evening. According to my log, they're all in the hotel, Inspector.

I keep a log of all the guests' movements in and out of the hotel.

I can show you if you wish.

Later, perhaps.

And don't forget to interview all the staff.

In a case like this, everybody is a suspect.

Once you've got all their statements, report back.

We've booked a couple of rooms for you tonight, so you can take all the time

need.

Remember, I want you to keep your wits about you.

Suspect everyone, but suspect no one.

It's like Inspector Morse, isn't it? I feel like Miss Marple.

You drive like Miss Marple.

So now... Oh, before you go, could you rustle us up some

sandwiches? Only we've been on the road for three hours.

What sort of sandwiches?

Ham will do.

Well,

tuna, if you like.

Cheese? What about cheese?

He always had ham sandwiches.

Who did? The master.

Round about this time... and two, regular as clockwork, to now he's dead.

He was a lovely man, Inspector.

A lovely, sweet, kind man.

All right, so he gambled a bit.

Well, there's no harm in that, is there, Inspector?

And yes, he drank a lot.

And when he'd had a drink, he did get a bit playful.

Well, you know, violent, sir.

And then there was that business with the sheep.

The sheep?

But for all that, he was a lovely man, Inspector. It was a lovely, lovely man.

I don't suppose for a minute she'll remember me ham sandwich.

The chef you want to speak to. The chef.

The master sacked him, Inspector, two nights ago.

He's working out his notice.

Go and see him, Inspector.

That's what you should be doing.

Any chance of me stopping?

The chef, eh?

You're not going to listen to that twittering gerbil, are you? I'll listen

one. Yes.

I'll listen to everyone.

Come on.

That was just a hunch.

But there's no one in the cupboard.

you by any chance the chef?

You must be the detective, sir.

Smart.

Is it true that two nights ago the Earl of Lytton fired you? Oui.

May we ask what he fired you for?

For washing my hands.

He fired you for washing your hands?

In the fish soup.

So, when the Earl fired you, were you angry with him?

No. Huh? No.

I was very happy. At last I would be able to get out of this pigsty.

So you weren't thinking of taking revenge?

No. So where were you at 10 past eight this evening?

Right here, preparing swill for the filthy, philistine, Anglo -Saxon pigs

live in this place.

Do you have any witnesses?

20 ,000 cockroaches.

And the chambermaid.

And the porter.

Ask them. They

will tell you for themselves.

Listen. Don't you try and tell us how to do our jobs, Mr...

Mr... Mr...

I wouldn't want to tell two such great detectives how to do their job.

Oh, clever bugger, eh? Very clever.

Clever enough to know that if it had been me that murdered the Earl, you

never have found the body.

That will be enough of it.

And just remember that we, me and him, we listen to no one.

And yet, we listen to everyone.

Noosey cootums to the mound.

May noosey coots.

What's the word, Bob?

Yeah.

What?

I don't suppose there's any danger of a hamstang.

Inspector,

I have something for you.

About bloody time. And I asked for ham.

No, no, no, Inspector. Something important.

Next on the list, then.

Hang on, we're running round like blue -eyed flies, are you?

What do you mean?

Well, we shouldn't be chasing people.

We should be using our heads.

What would Inspector Morse do?

You're right.

Two bites of best, please.

So,

what

about this murder, then, eh?

Yeah. Terrible, isn't it?

How about cutting me up some sandwiches?

Why don't you stop going on about your belly for one minute?

I mean, you've got a sharp knife, haven't you?

No. No, I'm afraid we don't do sandwiches.

OK.

How about... No.

Salted or dry roasted?

Dry... roasted.

What's he going on about nuts for?

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

So, any ideas who did it?

Might have.

Then again, we might not have.

It's just like one of those Agatha Christie films, this, isn't it?

Might be.

Then again, in the one I saw, the inspector got all the suspects together

room and then interrogated them one by one.

Did he?

Yes.

And the inspector in the film, what did he do next?

Well, he eliminated the suspects one by one until he found the murderer.

That's nothing like real police work, I suppose.

It's all genetic fingerprinting and forensics these days, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway,

if you need a top -up, I'll be out the back.

Before you go... Yeah?

In this film, who did it?

Oh,

Susan Hampshire.

All the suspecting rum -rum.

Aren't they?

Eliminating them one by one.

The oh -so -fanciful world of movies, eh, Bob?

They've got no idea, have they?

Chambermaid.

Chef.

Buckler. Yes, sir.

Barman. Yes.

Mr and Mrs Smith.

Mr and Mrs Smith.

What? Oh, yes.

Sir Lionel Kiss.

I am sorry about this, Sir Lionel, but I would like to say what a great honour

it's been to be here and to meet you. You've missed one out.

Jerry Palmer.

I'm afraid, Inspector, there was no reply from the room.

Well, go and look for him. But, Inspector, if I could have a word with

private. Go on, chop, chop.

And do try and get back here before daybreak.

Oh, very well, sir.

Right.

I expect you're wondering why we gathered you all here this evening.

No.

Well,

we happen to know that somebody in this room murdered the Earl of Lisson.

And we intend to find out who.

So, let's start with you.

Mr. So -called Smith.

Where were you at ten past eight this evening?

Me? I was in my room.

Oh, yes.

And what were you doing in this so -called room of yours?

Making love, Inspector.

Oh, right.

What about you, Mrs. Smith?

So you say you were making love in your room.

Do you have any witnesses?

Of course not.

Do you really think you can make that stand up in court?

So, Sir Lionel, exactly where were you

at ten past eight this evening?

Ten past eight?

Absolutely no idea.

Oh.

Well, I'm always pissed as a parrot by 7 .30.

Ah, the old I -was -drunk -officer -I -don't -know -what -I -was -doing

Actually, Inspector, he was in the bar with me all evening.

Oh, so you're in this as well, are you, Susan Hampshire?

Well, I think we can safely say, Bob, that things are beginning to fall into

place.

Yes.

It's starting to look like a very fishy murder.

Yes, murder.

Ugly word, isn't it?

Like adultery.

That's another ugly word.

And here's another ugly word.

Bon Jovi.

Bon Jovi.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, that is Mr. Jerry Palmer.

It's my belief that standing behind that door is the last big piece of our

jigsaw puzzle.

Big piece.

I'm Jerry.

Jerry Palmer.

Which one of you gentlemen wants me?

Two hours! Two hours, and for what?

So those gendarmes can upshat that American woman.

Shut up.

Whatever. Why is it Englishmen are so gauche around women?

If I knew the answer to that one.

Come on, Charlie, shift yourself on two hours late as it is.

So this bloke is pointing a gun directly at my face.

And I said to him, you must understand, I'm not afraid of death.

Another drink, Jerry?

I think I'll go and, you know, freshen up a little.

Steady, little fella. Stay where you are.

Don't call me little fella.

I want to talk to you.

Inspector! Inspector, there's been a...

Of course there's been a bloody murder. That's why we're here.

Delayed shock, Bob. No, there's been another murder.

It's the butler.

He's dead.

Oh, that's all we need.

To whom it may concern, I killed the Earl.

I couldn't stand his drunken bullying any longer.

But now I find I can't live with the guilt.

And so I must end my life.

Just as we thought, eh, Bob?

Yeah.

Soon as I saw him, I knew.

Butler always did it.

So, another one solved, Dave.

I'll just go and call the super.

Hang on, hang on.

OK, OK, we'll handle this, if you'd like to shut up.

Where are you going?

Found the nick.

Are you mad?

If they find out we've solved the case, we'll have to go home.

Yeah?

Think, Bob.

Think. We've got two rooms up there.

Paid for.

I suppose it would be a waste, wouldn't it?

Exactly, Bob.

Hang on.

Hang on a minute.

It's not the room that attracts you, is it? I don't know what you're talking

about. No, it's not the tea and coffee -making facilities and the free sewing

kit that's brought this on.

You reckon you can fool that American bird, don't you?

Look at you.

Fool that American bird. You're so gauche.

You do, though, don't you? That's why you want to stay, isn't it?

Well, there was some talk of Jerry joining me in my room later for a little

nightcap. My God, you don't hang about, do you?

You shouldn't spend so much time buffing your dome.

This should do the trick.

Yeah? And what about him?

He'll keep till morning.

All right, Bob, sleep tight.

Good night.

Morning, Bob.

Not too early in the morning, eh?

You're not getting to me, Dave.

She's not my type.

What? You mean the tall, blonde, stunning type?

Yeah. You got a point.

Night -night. Enjoy your cocoa.

The yearls have listened 1250 to 1990.

I suppose it's more interesting than cell block H.

50 feet, will you?

Just so happens Julio Inglésia saved your life.

I'm a big boy. I can look after myself.

Look at this.

Yes, Bob. Very interesting.

Now, if you go back to your room like a good boy, I promise I'll come and read

to you for five minutes.

Read to you?

That bit at the bottom there. Look. What?

The Earl of Lytton family tree.

Fabulous. The Earl of Lytton had a daughter.

You were right, Bob.

It was worth interrupting my vital preparations to tell me that. And this

daughter married a bloke called Palmer.

Oh, please show me the wedding photos.

Her real name was Geraldine.

Shortened to Jerry.

Jerry Palmer. Jerry Palmer is the Earl's daughter.

The one and only heir to the fortune.

And according to this book here, she was thrown out of Rodin for unauthorised

surgery.

What on?

On the fourth floor.

I came into a funny farm in America about 15 years ago.

No -one clean it, then.

You mean she's a nutter?

No, I mean she's a fully -blown female Charles Manson.

She killed the Earl.

And the butler.

She was going to be near at midnight.

Eh? Yeah.

She told me to wait for her.

In the shower.

What are we going to do?

Remember our training?

What did I tell you to do?

You're right.

Let's get out of here.

What about the body in the fridge?

Will you get dressed?

I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Bob.

She's just a woman.

Just one woman on her own.

The knife.

I hope

the chef hasn't fricassied the evidence.

Oh, God.

Okay.

when you've been doing this and I bought a bloody ice cream van.

Oh, God.

I can't believe this.

Hurry up. If she hears us coming, she'll know we're on to her. I'm doing my

best.

Over the back. Have a look.

Dave! What?

Don't be too long.

Try it now.

Go on.

It's not dead.

It is not dead. Can it stop?

You don't mind if I hold your hand, do you?

I pay £300 for two perfectly good rooms and you two choose to sleep together in

a cupboard.

I never thought the time would come when I'd be pleased to see you, sir.

So, er, how did you get on to us, sir?

It was all thanks to the butler, Briggs.

The butler?

He had the whole thing worked out from the beginning.

Called us early this evening and told us about the long -lost daughter and the

inheritance.

He said he would have told you two about it.

But that you seemed convinced it was Susan Hampshire.

Did he say anything else about this, sir?

After he told me he'd done it, the line went dead. I didn't get a chance to

thank him.

Where is he, by the way?

I'd like to shake that man by the hand.