Original subtitles

(WHOOSH)

All right? Anyone serving or what?

(WOMAN) With you in a minute, luv.

(BABY CRIES)

- Hello, Frank. What can I get you? - Look what I found under the pool table.

- Any note? - No, nothin'.

Oh!

They've written its name on the side here.

"Our Rob or Ross."

Look how it's spelt. They must've been thicker than a ticket tout's wad.

- Couldn't even decide on a name. - Oh, poor little mite.

I wonder what'll become of him? Somethin' terrible, no doubt.

I hate doing that! I hate doing that!

(TINKLING)

Smeg!

I've just sneezed out me cap!

Just changing your linen before you turn in, sir.

Kryten, I've lost me cap.

No, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.

My tooth cap, the one made from the skeleton in medibay.

- Oh, I see. - Hey! Here it is.

I need some glue. I've just got that pointy thing.

- Let me see. - No, it's all needly, pointy and disgusting.

Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid. I won't be revolted.

OK.

Oh, my God! It's hideous!

(GIGGLES)

Yeah, very funny. Just fix it.

I'll have to prepare some dental adhesive.

Give me some wood glue. You can redo it later.

Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? Don't get your lips glued together.

Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers.

Hey! I need a dressing gown.

Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim,

let it out a bit, obviously dye it, it could be just dandy.

Yeah. Nice one, Kryts.

Perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?

I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

It's nature's way of saying it's time to buy a flat cap and driving gloves, sir.

Worst are those guys who just let it grow.

They look like they've got a loo brush up each nostril

or those machines that shine shoes.

Curious that most women aren't similarly afflicted.

Obviously, I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.

Hmm... It evens itself out, doesn't it?

Women have the agony of childbirth and we have... this.

(WHINES) They don't know they're born!

What is wrong with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to me face!

Hey! Nice outfit!

- Did you come here for a reason? - Oh, yeah!

Something's showing on the long-range scan which is weird with a capital "WE".

- Can you be a tad more scientific? - Come again?

Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing?

At this stage, I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool. See for yourself.

Wibbly thing or swirly thing...

and he refuses to commit himself?

He's losing it. He really is.

It's a power surge causing a major disturbance in the fabric of space-time.

It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!

- It's almost like a tear. - Perhaps a temporal rip.

I'm gonna try and outrun it.

Get real. It's going faster than a copy of "Hello!" in a nunnery.

Suggest we head straight for the eye of the storm.

Cat, go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

We seem to be through the worst of it...

but I'm picking up an energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.

According to the psi-scan,

the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed.

This is some kind of hyperway through non-space to a parallel dimension.

Let's have a goosey.

(TEARING AND WHOOSHING)

Careful, sir. The linkway's as stable as an Italian taxi driver

stuck behind two old priests in a Skoda.

What the hell is that?

Non-space, sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness

where time doesn't seem to exist.

Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night.

- How's it going? - You're a hologram.

- Hard light. - So in your dimension Lister died?

In the radiation leak on Red Dwarf.

Why weren't you put into stasis like me?

Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas?

I'd taken a couple of days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as AWOL.

I've been on shore leave. Didn't you get my message?

You should apply to a superior officer before you get shore leave, Lister.

Look, since Kochanski split up with me, I've needed time on my own.

- Kochanski dumped you? - Yeah.

- She really dumped you? - Yes!

You didn't tell me! Are you really heartbroken?

- I dunno, man... - You are, aren't you?

OK, yes. Yes.

Didn't I say you'd never bridge that class division?

Take her - navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps, well-spoken,

can stay awake during operas, knows her cheeses.

She's class. And you? What are you?

I don't mean to sound cruel, but in comparison you're second-rate scum.

But I used to be fourth-rate scum. I've dragged meself up by my bootstraps.

Listy, Listy, your type isn't Kochanski, Listy.

It's someone called Tiffany. Someone who drinks Campari and soda

and wears orange crotchless panties,

someone who thinks deely-boppers are funny,

someone who says "sumfink" instead of "something"

and laughs like a moose strapped to a cement mixer.

This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce.

Oh, ha-ha (!)

People who say "ha-ha" have no sense of humour.

They just can't think of a witty retort.

Oh, ha-ha (!)

Ms Kochanski, ma'am. Have you read my proposal for a new Space Corps salute?

I'm trying to get the support of the officers.

It is rather important, because if you like it,

that brings the overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.

- Rimmer? - Yes, ma'am?

- Have sex with someone. That's an order. - Yes, ma'am.

'Ere. Ring this number. Say I sent you. Tell them it's an emergency.

- Hi - Hmm...

I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry for the Dear John. It was cowardly.

What? Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.

- It was last week. - Was it?

- Mm-hmm. - Must've got over it just like that.

Oh, come on, Dave. We weren't going anywhere.

We never got out of bed.

There's more to life than eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex.

- I find that hard to believe. - I just want us to be friends.

- Do you mean give it another go? - No, no.

- I'm, er... back with Tim now. - Tim?!

That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and floppy hat.

He's a chef.

Yeah, but the way he poses around in the officers' club, smoking black cigarettes.

- Such a phoney. - (MIAOWING)

Do you know what you'd get for smuggling a cat?

What? Cat-martialled?

I'm serious! As serving N.O., I'm supposed to report this!

So report it, get me put into stasis for six months.

Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?

I was lonely. I'd just been dumped.

It breaks every reg in the manual.

(BLEEPING)

Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, OK?

So you died with the rest of the crew?

- Then Holly revived me a hologram. - What happened to Kochanski?

They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.

So, does that mean...?

Hi.

- You look great! - You look pretty amazing yourself.

So in this dimension, you didn't die? You're an alternate version of Dave.

I think of myself as the definitive version, honed to perfection by time and evolution.

I see why you'd think that.

Sirs, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours

before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we lose the linkway.

I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information.

We could update your hydrogen RAM-drive to a tachyon-powered core.

And in return, we could unscrew any pickle jars you can't open.

- There is something you could do for us. - Yeah?

At some point, I want to have children.

It's a slightly pervy thing to ask as we've just met, but perhaps you could...

- Yeah? - After all, we've been... you know, lovers...

- Perhaps you could... - Yeah?

Fill this up.

It's a self-gamete-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm already in there.

It just needs your... contribution.

So it worked out for you guys, then.

Congratulations.

Gelf ship! Somehow they managed to infiltrate non-space!

Kris, give me your hand!

Hang on to me feet, man!

It's gonna give!

(GRUNTS)

I thought I'd lost you!

- I think you've mistaken... - Shh!

- What were you saying? - Forget it.

Oh, dear! Sir, I think Miss Kochanski believes that you're...

- Not now, Kryten. - But you don't understand.

- Miss Kochanski thinks... - I can handle it. Make some tea.

- Er... Permission to speak, sir? - Permission refused!

- Wait. This isn't the medibay. - You must have mistaken me for your Lister.

- That's what I've been trying to tell you! - Were you?

If you'd listened, I could have saved you from all that yuckiness.

Is that the kind of guy you are, taking advantage of a woman?

I was gonna tell you, honestly. I was taught not to talk with your mouth full.

Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you?

Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space? I need that linkway back!

(CRASH)

Not at the moment. We're under attack.

- It's back on our tail! - What is it?

Some Gelf battle cruiser.

They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

Oh, my God. It's the missus.

- The what? - Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

We went to the wedding. It was just beautiful.

- He married this?! - He had to.

- You mean...? - We were in a fix! We needed an engine part.

You should visit the orang-utan house at London Zoo. Your eyes would be out on stalks!

They're opening comms channels. Sir, they're demanding you return to your bride.

In Gelf law, separation is impossible

without special dispensation from Hakakhhak-kkhhak...

hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk,

Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh

hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak kak-akk-hakkakak ka ka ka.

OK, patch me into the MCN, and I'll lay an SS line.

- You'll what, Officer BB? - Quadrant 4-9-2 stroke G-8-7,

moving across to Quadrant 2 to Q-4-1 stroke 9.

- Just follow my coords. - Your cords?

- Yeah, my coords. - Follow your cords?

- Is that a problem? - You're not talking about trousers, are you?

Coordinates.

Coordinates! Thank you!

20 degrees starboard on this next 'berg.

They're right on our tails.

Hold this line. Keep holding...

Keep holding...

Lift now!

Pretty snazzy!

Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of time.

- It's good, isn't it? - No, sir. I don't believe it is.

- Don't you like her? - I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.

Hardly my place to point out what a... bossy old trollop she is.

- Good kisser, though. - She knew that was you all along, sir!

She was merely trying you out to compare you with her Mr Lister.

Apparently, he's quite something. Initially, a soft-light hologram,

that's made him sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't.

You mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake after sex?

He's every woman's dream guy, sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

- Jesus... - A human male

who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about "relationships".

- Eurgh! - This is someone quite exceptional, sir.

- Where does that leave me? - Well, that leaves you...

trying to help me get her back to her rightful ship.

She can't stay here, sir.

She just can't!

Kryten, man, are you OK?

- (WHINES) I know we won't get rid of her! - Why's that so terrible?

She's gonna take you away from me! I just know it!

- What?! - I took her a drink while she was showering.

I've seen her naked!

So?

She's got all those bits that you like.

Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me, we're compadres, amigos.

But that'll change if she stays! You'll end up liking her more!

- I won't! I won't! - You will! You will!

I won't! I won't! I won't!

- You promise? - I promise.

So if she walked in, took all her clothes off

and said, "Oh! Make love to me, you horny dude,"

and I said, "Perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?"

What would you do?

What kind of sheets would they be?

Those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

- The blue stripy ones or green square ones? - The green square ones.

So, it's making love to Kochanski

or folding sheets with you?

- Can I fold and stack? - Absolutely.

- It'd be sheets, then. - She's standing there all naked

with all the in-and-out bits all inny and outy?

It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.

- Really? - Too true.

(SQUEALS) You're lying! You're just trying to make me feel better!

Oh! Why can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect!

He had hardly any in-and-out bits at all.

There's no one I care more about than you, OK?

I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

- That's not gonna change. - Never?

Never.

- (SQUEALS) You're lying! - I'm not lying!

Yes, you are! I'm going to end up on my own just like on the Nova 5!

You killed the crew, Kryten!

No wonder you ended up on your own! It was an accident, but...

But what about before that? The SS Augustus?

They all died of old age!

You see?!

(BLEEPING)

I thought I'd see if I could help you get out of here.

I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace, but I still can't re-establish the linkway.

I'm sure it's to do with electro-magnetic phasing frequencies.

- You took the words right out of my mouth. - What about reversing the signal?

We'll need a power re-route.

I'll take care of that... whatever it is.

It's the big red button there, sir.

Hey, Officer Bud-Babe, that power simillililillum-linilillum drive?

Taken care of.

You don't like me, do you?

- Ma'am? - You don't, do you?

Ma'am, it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway.

- But why...? - Please.

- I mean... - Ma'am!

- I need to know why! - Do you indeed?

- Yes. - You're not good enough for him! That's all.

OK, he may walk around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket,

but he doesn't need you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow

and bewitching him with all your... in-and-out bits, all pointy and unnecessary.

You've got big problems, you know that?

At least I don't have a ridiculous walk, unlike some people.

Huh! Have you seen the way YOU walk?

I have a perfectly sensible walk.

At least I don't walk like this:

(BLEEPING)

Phaser frequency 4-3-4. We've got it back!

What? You're right! That's it!

- I can leave! - You can leave!

Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does!

- What are we celebrating exactly? - (MOUTHS SILENTLY)

You've found your crewmates! How wonderful!

- Thanks, Kryten. - I must go and find the others.

This is for you.

Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medilab and... bingo.

- Wow! - Our child.

I'll... you know.

- I know. - I'll tell it all about you.

Just explain why I'm not there. I don't want it ending up like me.

What happened to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no explanation...

I think that's why I spent my early life drifting.

I had nothing to live up to 'cause I didn't know where I came from,

just two names they couldn't decide on calling me - Rob or Ross.

Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, sir. Just doing a spot of dusting here.

Look, it's probably a long shot but it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.

See you.

Bye.

- What's this? - Supplies from bud-babe's ship.

- No, this. - It's the symbol for infinity.

The snake eating its own tail, completing the everlasting circle of life.

- What's it doing on here? - The crate used to contain Ouroboros batteries.

- Everlasting. - Ourobo-what?!

Ouroboros, sir, the name of the symbol.

- What is it, bud? - Ouroboros...

It wasn't "Our Rob or Ross", it was Ouroboros.

- What was? - The message on my box!

You came in a box? That explains everything.

I know who my parents are. I understand now.

Explain, sir. The in-vitro tube Kochanski's got.

The frozen embryo - it's me!

We must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms.

We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain!

I'm my own father... and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!

You should write a letter to "Playboy". I bet it'd get printed.

I've gotta get that test tube back.

Mum, wait!

- What? - I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

It's what?

The Gelfs are back!

- What are you doing? - I'm gonna jump!

- You'll never make it! - Kris, no!

- Kristine! - We've lost her, sir.

No. No!

Kristine!

(PHONE RINGS)

- Yeah? - Hi, it's me.

- Hi. - I've decided to stay. Just one proviso...

- Yeah? - Save my life, OK?

Cargo bay. Looking now.

What's this?

Mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

- A crossbow? - It might be handy if we run into your wife.

(KOCHANSKI) You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reachI

Rope?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm getting a mite panicky hereI

Argh!

Bastard!

(PHONE RINGS)

It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

I've brought you a drink, but don't think it means I've gone all mushy on you.

I'm gonna work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.

It's too late, ma'am. The rip's self-repaired.

- (WHINES) We're stuck with you! - I'm gonna try anyway.

Oh, ma'am?

Yes, Kryten?

Welcome aboard.

Thanks, Kryten.

For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you weren't, man.

You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle.

With us going round and round in time, the human race can never become extinct.

We're like... a kind of holding pattern.

I'll see you, son.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #