Original subtitles

Allegedlys.

Absolutely all activities,

acts and Ag Hall antics.

- Businesses... - Bustles, bar nights,

bits, buck'n does. - Chores.

Campaigns, chronicles, contracts and commitments...

- Dirty dangles. - Donnybrooks.

Deeds, duties, doings and dealings...

- Eventually... - End.

Fuckin embarrassing.

Ah, for fuck's sake, friends.

Give your balls a tug.

Get glad, go grin, gather glee.

- How'r ya now? - Have happiness.

Hoots and hollers. Hearty he-he's

and howling ha-ha's. Have a hernia, heck!

Initially idiotic and infinitely immature.

It's interprovincial, international

and interconnecting. Influential and impactful indeed.

Infamously intelligent, isn't it?

- Jacked. - Judgements are justified,

but joy is juicier. Jostle your jollies.

- K. - Kindly rekindle kinships

and kiss kittens 'cause it's kooky,

kind-hearted and a little bit kinky.

- Letterkenny. - Legen-dary.

- McMurray. - Mrs. McMurray.

- Neighbours. - Nut tuggers and no necks,

nut sacks. Nicotine and nose bleeds, numb nuts.

No needless negativity or unnecessary noise up north.

- Ostrich. - Obsessively observant

and outwardly obscene. Organized and original.

Outlandish and unorthodox.

Occasionally offensive to opposition.

Overprotective.

- Pitter-patter. - We're pertnear perfectly

patient and proper particular,

but if you poke and prod, we'll pop.

- Queer? - Questionable.

- Really? - Roald!

Skoden. Stoodis.

- Today. - Turn off Twitter

and take the time to treasure town.

- Understood? - We're unkempt and undercooked,

but not uppity or untoward. United unconditionally.

- Virtuous. - We're violent and venomous,

but not vultures or vagrants. Got values. Got vertebrae.

Wayne!

We will whip your whatchamacallit.

But well, we'd rather work

wordlessly in worthy weather without wrath.

We're well-wishers. Wise-cracking's how we're wired,

but warmth and widespread wealth is the way.

Whether you're weird... - Wondrous!

...wayward or witless, you're welcome.

- Exactly. - Ekspecialleh.

After a zillion zippy,

zany zingers, we're zapped.

Got zilch, zero, zipola,

so now we... - Zip it.

Like, when I die, I want my future husband

to snort my ashes off his new girlfriend's tits.

Right?

So I can go out of this world like I came into it:

In a weird threesome.

I feel like the only time we come home to visit anymore

is for funerals and weddings.

I'm in my thirties now, so everyone keeps asking

when I'm gonna get married, and it's like,

when I stop getting broken up with.

You guys know this,

my cousin got married, she called me a month later,

she was like, "I'm getting a divorce." I was like,

"I haven't even had my next period yet."

Bro, I wanna smash my old billet sister so bad.

Bro, I wanted to smash my old billet sister so bad

when she was my actual billet sister, but now,

I want to smash my old billet sister super bad.

Funny girls are the best, buddy.

I know, buddy. It's 'cause they're fun to be around even

when you're not smashing. - 'Cause they're funny?

Yeah, 'cause they're funny, they're fun to be around

even when you're not smashing. - Let's take a run

at our billet sisters, bro. - Let's take a run

at our billet sisters, buddy.

Na-nah!

Are you glad to be homes

from your vacations to Mexicos, Ms. Katys?

It's always good to be home.

Well, I can see you never wore your sunblock.

Well, neither did this guy.

'Sup, Squirrelly tan?

So what was your favourite part?

Oh, doozy of a question, Dary.

The sun, the beaches, the ocean,

the cervezas, siestas, and the margaritas.

It was all like one big, beautiful dream.

I've kinda been thinking about it a lot since I left.

Well, you better wear your sun block

or your skin will look like an old saddle bag.

- Alex. - Olive.

- Ry-guy. - Jo-Jo.

Isn't it crazy that we lived in the same house

for so long and never, like... succumbed to it.

Succumbed to it?

Yeah, I think it was pretty nutty

we lived in the same house for so long and never, like...

surrendered to it.

- To what? - To like...

Never mind.

Are you guys trying to smash your billet sisters?

I'm trying to smash my billet sister, yes.

Yeah, we talked back there

and both decided we'd both try

to smash our billet sisters.

First of all, no!

But second, I'm curious,

we lived in the same house and you never took a run at us.

Why now? - We weren't as cock sure

at that time of our lives, boys.

But I'll have you know, I was in my bedroom

across the hall wailing on it to you two to four times a day.

Yeah, I wouldn't want you to worry about that.

I was hammering on it to you three to five times a day,

in the bedroom next to yours.

- Three to five? - Two to four?

Yeah, but I was only wailin' on it to you

2-4 times a day because I was wailin' on it to my billet mom,

your real mom, 1-2 times a day.

Yeah, in addition to hammering on it to you

3-5 times a day I was also hammering on it to my billet mom,

your real mom, 1-2 times a day,

and often an additional 1-2 times a day

to Jonesy's billet mom which is--

- My real mom. - Yes.

Thank you.

Watching those gals do the stand-up comedys

reminds me when I did my observational humours

at the talent shows ways backs whens.

That sure was observational, Dan.

Observational... humour.

Some say the observationalist.

Not such a fond memory for you eh, Dary?

Let's hear it for Daryl.

- Oh, it wasn't that bad. - Was too.

- But was it? - Can confirm.

Yeah, no, it was bad.

Some say the baddest.

So... what's say we finally... succumb?

- Ugh. - Dog shit line, Ry-guy.

- Huh? - At least be funny.

- When? - Always, preferably.

- We're funny. - Unintentionally.

What's so good about funny guys?

They're still fun to be around

even when you're not smashing.

They're just like us.

You know, I think I might takes my observational humours outs for another spin.

- Might what? - The fuck are you doing?

Dan's gonna try stand-up comedy.

Girls love guys who are funny.

- Apparently. - The fuck are you doing?

We could do stand-up comedy, buddy.

- No, you couldn't. - We'd be good at it, buddy.

- No, you wouldn't. - Then, our billet sisters

would think we're funny.

And then, we'll get to smash them.

Boys, stand-up comedy doesn't look easy.

Neither do our billet sisters, but that's not gonna stop us.

- You should try it. - Why don't you try it?

Because I'd rather be a master of one trade than a jack of all.

- I'd rather jack off all. - What are you a master of?

Bating. Heyo!

Every comedian needs an audience.

And every audience needs a heckler.

- We should all gives it a trys. - Hard no.

Ah, come on, good buddys. You likes chattings with people

at the grocery store and the banks and whatnots.

Youse could be a crowd works comics.

- Hmm. - Do it.

And Ms. Katys, you likes to say that skids are--

- Greasy. - And that hockey players--

Would grab a monkey by the tit if they could.

Youse could be a roast comics.

Do it!

- What about me? - No.

- Huh? - Nope!

- Why? - Talent show.

Dary, besides from the time

I seen you singing Beyonce in the car wash,

you're not much of a performer. - You get the yips, bud.

But I make people laugh all the time.

- Unintentionally. - Don't worry, buddy.

I'm told we do that too.

Dary, comedians have to be cool.

And now I'm not cool?

Well, now, don't everybody answer all at once.

And you know what, Dary, even by your standards,

those barn clothes are particularly ripe "todee".

A wee bit spicy, bud.

- Hmm. - We'll needs a hosts.

Welcome to MoDean's. I'm Alex.

And I'm Olive.

Some circles may know us as Reilly and Jonesy's old billet sisters.

Unfortunately.

You know, it's such a cliche

to hook up with your billet brothers.

Which is why we've never done it.

But that didn't stop our old billet brothers

from trying to hook up with us last weekend.

They actually told us that they used to masturbate to us.

Used to?!

Hey, Alex, who do you go clam digging to?

Oh, my God, um... Norm MacDonald,

Chris Farley, George Carlin.

Wait, they're all old.

It's my daddy issues showing.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first comic

of the evening, the next king of crowd work, it's Wayne.

- How'r ya now? - Good'n you?

Not s'bad.

N'you? - Good'n you?

Not too bad.

So how's your beer? - Pretty good. Yours?

It's not too bad.

If you hold the bottle by the neck there,

rather than the body she'll stay cold longer.

Right on.

So how's your old man? - Pretty good.

- He's a good guy. - He's a real good guy.

He's a great guy.

So is Debbie still smokin'? - No, she quit.

- Did she really? - Yeah, she got pregnant.

She used to smoke all the time in high school.

Did you get the quad or the side-by-side?

Side-by-side. You should get one.

No, I got enough toys as it is.

When do the jokes start?!

He hit some loose gravel on the shoulder

and went into the rhubarb. - Did he go into the ditch?

No, he hopped the ditch.

- So a bunch of damage or...? - Not enough to file a claim.

You don't wanna get insurance involved unless you have to.

Oh, yeah, they'll pull your pants down.

They'll pull your pants right down.

Too much fun.

Well, we'll talk to ya.

That was... crowd work!

That was work for the crowd.

Shot of Gus'n Bru please, Gailer.

You're white as a sheet, cowboy.

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, you all know him.

You all love him. Back with more of his observational humour...

It's Squirrelly Dan!

Thank you, Alex. Thank you, Olive.

It's greats to be heres, guys.

Did yous evers notice...

That whenevers you ask your gal

if she hungries, she always says no.

So you goes ahead, makes yourself up a plate,

and she ends up eating half of it!

Kinda makes a fella wonder... don't its?

And did...

yous evers notice...

Mickey Gibraltar.

My palms are pretty sweaty.

I've palmed worse today, super chief. What's your name?

Daryl.

What did you say your name was again?

Mickey Gibraltar. My friends call me Mick.

So... you can call me Mick.

- Okay. - You look like the kind of guy

that could use a shot of Gus'n Bru.

I could use a shot of Gus'n Bru.

But... there's no Gail.

It's your lucky day, big shooter.

I've got two shots of Gus'n Bru right here.

One for me, one for you.

Are you sure?

Yeah. The other one was for my sister and she's not here yet.

So she'll never know. Unless you tell her.

- I'm not gonna tell her. - Don't tell her, good buddy!

Don't you tell her.

I won't tell her.

Let's get these down the gullet.

Destroy the evidence, eh? Cin, cin.

So you getting up there tonight?

That's a Texas sized 10-4.

Oh. Now I'm excited.

You strike me as a cool, funny guy.

You're gonna do great, good buddy.

You're gonna do great.

When do the jokes start?!

Kinda makes a fella wonder...

Don't it?

All right, thank you so much.

That's my time.

Thank you so much. That was really easy.

I don't know why people make such a big deal.

Doesn't look like you need any encouragement

but let's keep it going for Squirrelly Dan!

Up next we've got a comic with his own,

homegrown style of comedy.

This up-and-comer takes problems that you or me or anyone

in a small town would face and puts his own comedic spin on it.

Daryl, what are you calling it again?

- Letterkenny Problems. - That's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, with his Letterkenny Problems,

please welcome to the stage Daryl!

You seen your ex-sweetie holding hands with a guy

who kicked your ass one time in high school,

and that's just about enough to make you want to drown yourself

in a potted plant.

But it's okay because your ex-sweetie

used to look at herself in the mirror

every time after she took a poop

to see if her tummy was any flatter.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody.

I did not see that coming.

I wasn't ready. I kinda pictured a girl

looking at herself in the mirror after she's laying the cable.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Go, go.

Your second cousint put her toddler in a onesie

that said "to snatching kisses and vice versa."

No!

Goddamn, so good!

Your third or fourth cousint was the only one left to fuck

at the end of the night, and when there's no more firewood,

sometimes you gotta burn the axe handle.

When do the jokes start?

It's funny, this one's actually about you, Stewart.

You saw a skid one time put his name wrong

in the computer at bowling and you always figured that their nickname "Stewrat"

would stick.

He's killing me.

The government tried to bust you for switching plates

on your 4-wheelers and that stuffed shirt

could suck cold shit through a wool sock.

That's gonna do it for me.

But like your second cousint always says,

liquor before beer, poker in the rear.

That might be the comedian of the night!

Keep it going for Daryl! Daryl, everybody!

I knew you'd be great! I knew you'd be great!

Oh, my God, cool and funny, that's what I said.

Can I get another beer? That was so funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to be tag-teamed

by these next two comics.

Which, personally, is my worst nightmare.

Please welcome the boys who used to hammer on it

in the bedrooms beside us 3-5 or 4-6 times a night...

It's Reilly! - And Jonesy.

- Um... Alex? - Ry-Guy.

- Olive? - Jo-Jo.

Can you guys stay up here with us?

You didn't like our line when we took a run at you last weekend,

so we took some classics and put our own spin on them.

Hey girl, aside from being sexy,

what else do you do for a living?

Aside from annoying women, what do you do for a living?

Um... you kinda gotta let us finish though.

Okay. What else you got?

Are you a garage? Because I wanna park it inside you.

I'm not looking for a compact vehicle.

Although I do have a pretty small garage,

if you know what I'm sayin'.

Okay, but... You kinda have to let us finish the joke.

Sorry. This is batting practice for us.

- Easy dingers. - But we'll try. We'll try.

Hey, girl. Are you the board game Clue?

Because I wanna get you alone in the Conservatory with a rope.

Are you the board game Clue?

Because I would like to get you in the ballroom

with the lead pipe!

We just gotta wheel, bro.

Just gotta get that joke out before they jump in.

Okay, buddy? Wheel, wheel, wheel.

Wheel, buddy. Wheel, buddy.

Hey, girl.

If you were small words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Because I can't read you and I'm not even gonna try

to understand you.

Bit of self-deprecating humour. Okay.

Hey, girl. My name's Microsoft.

Can I crash at your place tonight?

He's named after my dick.

- I can handle this angle. - Give 'em some runway?

- Let's give 'em some runway. - You must be a wetsuit

and I must be the sun because you are tight and I make you dry.

Hey, girl. This condom in my pocket's gonna expire tomorrow.

Do you wanna help me use...

Oh wait, never mind. It's way too big.

Hey, girl. Do you mind touching me

so I can tell my friends I was touched by an angel?

I swear if you fart...

- Is this intimate? - So intimate.

Yeah, my doctor suggested I tell people I'm intimate

with that you've come in contact with two STDs.

Okay.

- But seriously, boys. - Oh seriously now, boys?

- Yeah, seri-dawg, boys. - Okay, seri-dawg, boys.

I have a problem and I really need your help.

Oh, you've got a lot of problems.

- Me too. - You're beyond help.

There's something wrong with my phone.

- Oh? - Mine too.

And what's that? Your number's not in it.

Put it in! Put it in!

Put it in!

Put it in!

Put it in!

Wheel, snipe, celly boys!

Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys!

Thank you, Letterkenny!

Okay, okay, shut the fuck up.

That was humiliating enough.

Let's forget about it by bringing up your final comic

of the evening, shall we?

We've got a real treat

for you, ladies and gentlemen. A roast comic.

Wait. No one here gets offended too easily, do they?

No. No one here gets offended here too easily.

- Wow. That's refreshing. - Yeah, that's different. Why?

Because there are real problems in the world.

Fuckin-A.

Please welcome your final comic of the evening,

a local hero, heart throb and household name...

It's Katy!

Hi, everyone. Thanks for having me.

Let's make some noise for all of you.

You guys have been amazing sports tonight.

It's really great to be here.

Squirrelly Dan is here tonight.

Squirrelly Dan!

Let's hear it for him.

He was terrific.

Dan is the only guy I know who has sex dreams about food.

He kinda looks like Larry the guy who can't afford cable?

Wayne! Love you, big brother.

So Wayne didn't do

any actual jokes tonight. He just came up here and acted like himself.

He showed you his true personality,

which ultimately is the real joke.

And then, we've got Gail.

Thank you so much for letting us use of your establishment, as always.

Gail fucks so many dudes, that I'd call her a home wrecker,

but the dudes she fucks don't really have homes.

You're familiar with the town bicycle, right?

Well, Gail's more like the town fishing pole.

Because if you reel her in, you're probably gonna catch something.

- When do the jokes start? - Seriously, Stew-rat,

you're gonna make somebody cry with that tonight.

Can't handle a little heckling?

I meant your face.

I'm told Stewrat is a lot like that schneef he loves so much.

He doesn't last long and it's never worth it.

And now, we've got Reilly, and with Reilly comes Jonesy.

These dudes claim to be ladies' men,

but the only box they ever see is the penalty box.

And lucky for them, they only have to last two minutes in there.

Reilly, Jonesy...

You're like an old cat lady, because you're obsessed

with pussy and you're probably gonna die alone.

Alright, alright. And now, we've got Daryl.

Dary, what do I say about Dary?

Uh...

Thanks for taking a break from freeloading

on our farm to be here tonight.

Dary has all the charm of that sketchy guy

who is running a model search in a strip mall.

You know that guy? Yeah?

Dary works with farm animals and I think that's great.

It's important to be on the same intellectual level as your colleagues.

Doesn't Dary look like he just dirt biked over here from his divorce hearing?

Dary is pals with the toughest guy in Letterkenny,

but Dary is tough too!

Yeah. Tough to look at,

tough to talk to, tough to be around,

tough to love...

Oh, it's a little slippy out there, super chief.

- Say you're sorry. - For slipping?

Wayne!

Cool it.

Yeah, big shooter.

Cool it.

Wayne!

Let's have a dart.

No sense causing a big stink the night before I leave.

No one wants a fuss, eh?

Ain't no reason to get excited.

You're not gonna see me for a week.

Well, your Pitbull rescue pals out west will be happy to see you.

You're gonna be sad all week missing me?

Might be a wee bit sad, yeah.

You don't have to do something

every time a drunk dude bumps me.

Comes with the territory.

Of what?

Being the toughest guy in Letterkenny?

Must be tiring after a while.

Always having the pork chop around your neck.

Boar chop.

Boar chops are s'gawddam good.

The man loves boar chops.

I gotta pack.

Comin' now?

I'll finish my beer and come crawl in.

I wonder how important being the toughest guy in Letterkenny

needs to be to you anymore.

I've had this conversation before.

It's fine if it is.

I just wonder.

Maybe it isn't.

difuze