Original subtitles

A few hockey players come into the bar the other day...

- Le boys. - Boys.

- Boys. - Boys.

New hockey player themed menus.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray!

You picked the right day for Sandis Ozolunch.

Ryan Getzlunch was actually Jonesy's idea.

I'll get some Water Gretzky for the table.

Still or Guy Carbonated?

I'd have a Corey Perrier and Vladimir So-vodka.

Scotch Stevens for me.

Jonesy? Gary Wetman your whistle?

I usually go for the Jaromir Lager,

but I like the looks of this Bloody Marián Hossa special.

Comes Kris Letangy with Dill Kessel,

garnished with Henrik Sardine and Clam Neely.

I love Brent Seafood.

Wait 'til I tell you about the Matt Marlin.

Gail Hawerchuk!

You in for some Henrik Lunch-qvist?

And to think we almost skipped Mikael Backlunch altogether.

Good thing we didn't go for Nick Suzushi.

This is shaping up to be the Owen Nolunch of our lives.

And to think I almost just grabbed a Nathan Big Mackinnon.

I'm ready to eat that Jake Pretzel off the floor.

You know, I started my way with a Connor McDanish.

Let's order your James Meals.

I know it's hot out, but I could go for a Jonathan Cheapsoup.

Like a Brian Campbell's?

Gailer, what's your soup of the Damon Severson?

Roasted Cal Butternut.

How's the Ramen Hamrlik?

Better than the Tom Yum Wilson.

And to think we almost just went for Josh Pho-Sang.

I'll get the cheese plate. I've always enjoyed Anders Brie.

Ivan Provolone's the real highlight.

Comes with bread...

Josh Naan'derson.

Main Shayne courses?

How's the Sloppy Joe Thornton?

It's got Parme-Sean Couturier with diced Radish Vrbata

and Turnip Stevenson.

And to think we were just going to whip up

some RJ Umberger Helper.

Can you tell me about the meat in your beef Stu Barnes?

It's Jaroslav Halal.

I was hoping for some Jake DeBrisket.

Comes with Leon Dry-Salad and there's a bean, too,

um, Kidney Crosby.

As much as I like a Sheldon Soufflé,

I'm gonna keep it simple, go with the Charlie Mac'n cheese.

It comes with Tyson Toast. Anything else?

Just some Matthew Ketchup.

And to think we were just gonna ordered some Luca S-Pizza.

Speaking of beef Stu Barnes, how's the Patrice Bourguignon?

Secret ingredient is Dijon Phaneuf.

Comes with Cedric Baguette,

but I should have some Travis Greens.

Mm, Kale Hunter.

Oh, is there an Aki Berger?

We've got Grant Fuhrgers.

We could also do an Artemi Panini

or a Sandwich Ozolinsh.

Ham Ward subs too.

Adam Foot-long?

Or a Six-inch Ozolinsh.

And to think, we were just going to crush

some Bagel Bites Battaglia?

Sort desserts now or are youse watching

your weight Belak's?

You got anything like a Marc-André McFlurry?

Of course. Comes with Jonathan Huber-cookie-dough.

We've also got Tyson Blue-Barrie and James Kiwiznewski.

Mm, should we get chocolate fondue Koivu?

I've got some Joe Nieuwen-Klondike bars

in the freezer.

For me it'll be the Pie Domi with Caramel Nurse.

Alright, but looking at your waistlines

I'd consider the Anthony Deangelato.

Yeah.

Solid menu, Gailer Hall.

Thanks, Bon Tugnutt.

Say, who's your favourite player?

Gabriel Longestcock.

Stewart-Stewart!

What's Gucci?

Tibadoo's dog's lost.

And what's he Tiba-doing about it?

Oh, shut the fuck up.

He's not Tiba-doing anything.

He'll just Tiba-do without it.

What?!

Do you wanna know what?

It's kinda what a lot of country folk are like.

They just open the door in the morning,

let the dog out for the day, open it up again at night,

and if it's not there, well, fuckin'--

Tough sleddin'.

That's how I was raised.

Fucks youse, Tibadoos.

It's kind of double trouble here though.

It was Jivin's dog first, it ran away from him,

and he gave up on it.

There's Jivin fuckin' up again.

And then Tibadoo found it, it ran away from him,

and he gave up on it.

What if it's hurt somewhere?

You know, if that dog came back,

he probably wouldn't even take it to the vet.

Nope, just wrap it in a blanket,

put it in front of a fire for a few days.

They're well-meaning folks, but a bit redneck.

Fucks youse, Tibadoos.

I ask again, what if it is hurt somewhere?

We'll find it.

Found more than a few runaways during my time doing

pit bull rescue in Vancouver's downtown east side.

You're a great gal, Rosie.

Yeah.

And... we've got Glen.

Glen?

Glen.

Roald. Daniel.

Rosie. Katy. Stewart.

Wayne! As I'm sure you all know,

I added dog-trapping to my wildly impressive skillsets

at the age of 17, whilst doing missionary work

in Puerto Escondido.

I didn't knows that.

It's in his Twitter bio.

Twitter is a cult.

Well, don't you remember when Glen was written up

in The Banner for finding that beagle?

Oof, beagles go bucky.

Super tough to find because they're trying to get lost.

I caught him swimming island to island up near Georgian Bay.

They get a scent and they're gone.

- Sounds familiar. - Silly fuckin' hounds.

High survival rate however.

So, Glen Close.

How are you going to find it!

First things first.

The lost dog.

A three-year old Nova Scotia Duck Toller Retriever.

Just a little boo.

Oh! Is he a good boy?

He is such a boy.

How long's the boy been lost?

Well, he might identify as a she, Stewart, you don't know.

Five days.

I wasn't finished virtue signaling, Glen.

- Roald. - Name?

Gregory.

Is it fuckin' really?

Thou shalt not lie, Wayne!

You're not supposed to give dogs human names.

Imagine trying to call him at a dog park?

No, Gregory! Bad dog, Gregory.

Oh! Sad dog, Gregory.

We will not be using his name.

Fuckin' eh.

Once a dog has been in the wild for that long,

their brain undergoes a chemical change

called Missing Dog Syndrome,

basically fight or flight mode.

So, when we encounter him, do not use his name.

It might trigger him to run away!

Whys isn't Tibadoos outs looks-in' for him?

Same reason Jivin wasn't.

Yeah, he's a fuckin' degen.

There's only a 3% chance a dog will go to their owner

after entering Missing Dog Syndrome.

So it's a moot point.

Who the fuck are you?

Also, we should probably track him in smaller groups.

A large pack might spook him.

Girls rule, boys drool?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Well, I'll go with you, good buddy.

Wh-- Good buddy? Wayne!

Well, whats abouts me's?

You're too emotional to track, Squirrely Dan.

That energy's not good for anyone, especially Gregory.

I am not emotionals!

We'll consult a psychic.

What?

To find the dog.

A psychic?

Listen. When I was a young skid,

my parents, they owned a Chow Chow named

Tatiana Pamplemousse, and I know I seem like

I've been a bit emotional throughout all this,

but that's just because Tatiana went missing one evening--

- Doesn't matter. - Anyhoo.

Let's go up Wallace way.

I'll take Eaton way.

- I need fuel. - West end?

Oh, Bender's is cheaper.

Free beer.

Mr. Dan?

My-- My sweeties Ellens reads tea leaves.

That's-- That's kinds of likes a psychics?

Alright.

I guess I'll drive.

Can't believe we got stood up, buddy.

I've never been stood up in my life, bro.

Stood up for a gym date, no less.

See, bro, now we'll never know.

About their gym styles?

No, about their steez, buddy. We'll never know!

Like, what's your favourite steez?

Hm. Oh.

I like that steez, buddy.

Ooh, I like that steez.

Oh, love that steez, bro.

Aw, that's good steez, too.

Hi, Tassie!

Hey, Cassie!

- I'm Cassie. - I'm Tassie.

Yeah, we'll get 'er.

If she's Tassie steez, all is forgiven, buddy.

All is forgiven if she's Cassie steez,

but we'll never know, bro!

We'll never know now, buddy.

- Reilly? - Jonesy?

- Hey, I'm April. - May.

Sorry we're late.

That's okay.

No, it's not, it's tacky.

Yeah.

But we're here now.

Yeah.

Wait. No, we have beer league now, buddy.

Oh. Hundy P.

We waited all afternoon.

Completely my fault.

May was on time--

- April. - May?

- April. - May.

It's not your fault your little brother came home

late with the car.

- You're right. - I know.

So, um, we're here now?

Yeah, but we got beer league now though.

So, skip it?

We're not skipping hockey.

Then we'll come watch you play.

Okay.

You don't bring your sweetie to your beer league game.

Well, why not?

Usually there's only one clueless guy

that'll bring his sweetie to his beer league game,

and that means there's one lone rocket sitting solo

in the stands, and if that clueless guy isn't on our team,

then I'm finding out who that guy is on the other team,

and I'm chirping that guy all night.

See, I'll know who the clueless guy is

half way through warm-up, and I'll be getting

right in his kitchen all night long.

- Are you serious? - I think they're serious.

- You guys are rockets. - NASA certified.

- Aggressive boost gliders. - Exhaust velocity.

- Ballistic missiles. - Thrust equalizers.

Unrestricted burners.

Static tested, staged in orbit.

Huh.

But there's no way we'd put a target on our backs like that.

Rain check?

No time, buddy. We gotta go.

Rain check! Love your steez!

Love the steez, snipees!

April?

May?

April.

May.

We just got ditched.

I've never been ditched a day in my life.

Huh.

Tommy Bahama lookin' motherfucker.

Mine looks like a toe.

What sort of botched birth canal did that mole roll out of?

Monkfish, hagfish, flightless dung beetle lookin' mutt.

Fuckin' hockey players.

You know, dudes like that spend the entire game

looking at their reflection in the glass.

Dudes like that go tongue out.

We drove all the way from the city for this?

We have to make this trip worth a tank of gas, am I right?

Bring a back-up ensemble?

A couple. You?

My car is my closet, lovely.

Oh. Hey, Tassie!

Hey Cassie!

I'm Tassie.

I'm Cassie.

You sure?

Now, a Duck Toller does not have the prey instinct

of say a Shepherd or a Shar Pei.

But he'll sure as shit be preyed upon.

Breed's not a big roamer, fortunately.

Unlike fuckin' beagles.

Is it true that purebreds are more likely

to get stolen than mutts?

Texas sized 10-4.

I hope someone didn't scoop Gregory up

and start whoring him out.

Fuckin' Gregory.

You're not supposed to give dogs human names.

Well, if he's three, his pills should be long gone.

Not a safe assumption if your owner's a fuckin' degen.

Most lost or spooked dogs will have a three

to seven kilometer range, though some will get up to 18.

They'll often centre around their last known place,

even if something traumatic happened like gettin' dinged.

Dogs will follow barriers.

Edges of the bush.

Fence lines.

Dogs circle before laying down.

So watch for patches of flattened down grass

in a twisted pattern.

This'd be a lot harder for the dog in the winter,

but it'd be a lot easier for us.

Fun fact, dogs will often go where horses are kept.

What if the weather gets bad?

They'll seek shelter from the wind behind something

rather than crawl under something.

He'll roam 'til it gets really bad before finding shelter.

Dogs can sense weather before it shows up.

Is it true that dogs can sense earthquakes?

Yeah, 'cause Gus slept through an earthquake one time.

- Did he really? - Is that right?

Pooped in the bed a wee bit later though.

Did he really?

Is that right?

Yup, which ultimately became breakfast in bed.

Yup.

So...

Not all of it, Roald.

Leave about a teaspoon in the bottom.

It's okay. Now turn it over on the saucer.

Rotate it three times.

And make a wish.

Roald.

We's all wishin' for the same things.

That's why we called youse, Ellens.

Wish you'd come more often, Dan.

Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

- Butt sex. - Butt sex.

Do you want me to tell you the bad things or only the good?

Dogs will go to horses, you know.

You takes the goods with the bads.

Such is lifes.

Okay.

What I'm doing now is examining the tea leaves

for any shapes that may jump out.

Any numbers, letters...

starting at the handle,

and moving clockwise around the cup.

'Kay.

It looks like Gregory is hurt.

What?!

I can't tell if he still is,

but I see the letter T.

Tibadoo.

He isn't moving.

What?

He's not dead, he's just not moving.

And then?

I get the sense that he's... confined somehow.

I see the letter D.

Degens from upcountries?

I see an A.

Aliens?

And I see an N.

Wait.

D-A-N?

That's my names.

Well, it could also--

could also spell "Nad".

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Do you think this looks like a dick?

♪ Tear the roof up, baby, ♪

♪ Don't give a shit how it's done ♪

What fucking clueless pieces of shit

brought their broads to watch 'em play beer league?

- Reilly! - Jonesy!

Thank you for inviting us to watch you play

- beer league, babe. - Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

We know how much you love beer league, babe.

We know how seriously you take your fuckin' beer league, babe.

We're just gonna be your lil' cheerleaders!

- Score me a goal! - Love ya, babe!

Have fun!

Where the fuck did he go?

Gonna be a long night, you fuckin losers!

I hope he didn't get dinged.

Statistically, getting dinged by a car

will happen when the dog first gets lost.

Slim chance it will happen in the days after.

Dogs most often travel in a linear pattern,

back and forth.

Quarries are another good place to look.

Shelter from the wind.

Bonus if there's a water source.

They need time to calm after Lost Dog Syndrome kicks in.

They need time to get desperate

before they'll seek out civilization.

Okay, this is important.

If we see Gregory, don't say his name

the way he's used to hearing it.

His name is now a trigger to run.

What you wanna do is kneel down without facing him.

But keep him in your peripheral vision.

Almost like you're facing another dog that isn't there.

And you want to use words Gregory knows, like walk.

- Treat. - It'll also be beneficial

to have some treats on your person.

'Kay, back to saying Gregory's name in a way

that he doesn't usually hear.

It helps to sing it.

- Sing it? - Yup.

- Sing Gregory? - Make it sing-songy.

Well, imagine Tibadoo's at the back door

hollerin' and telling him it's time to come for supper,

he'd probably say something like: Gregory!

Gregory!

- Gregory! - Right?

So, you want to give each syllable a different tone.

Shake things up a little.

- Make it sing-songy. - Try it.

- You try it. - Try it.

You try it.

Gregory.

♪ Gregory ♪

♪ Gregory ♪

♪ Gregory, Gregory ♪

♪ Gregory ♪

Gregory.

You're not supposed to give dogs human names.

Ooh, look over there.

Some flattened down grass in a twisted pattern.

Sheltered from the wind.

Close to a fence line.

And look...

Horses.

Oh.

Whole rink's laughin' at ya, you fuckin' Labradoodles.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reilly. I haven't laughed this hard

since your mom queefed out her birthday candles.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy. I haven't laughed this hard

since your mom cleared out Denny's at 3:00 am

with her coke farts.

Fuck, boys, I can smell your broads from here.

- What's that Gap Dream? - Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Reilly. I'm only asking so I can help your mum.

Her ginger mitt's so rotten I call it

Anne of Gangrene Gables. Sticks in.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy. Anything's better than

your mom's spoiled oyster stank.

Fuck, Shoresy!

Fuck's sake, Reilly.

How do you get 'em to sit still like that?

I can't take your mum fucking anywhere.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Yeah, fuck you, Reilly. Your mom hand bombed herself

at our picnic at the beach and then shot a pint and a half

of squirt into the water like sea levels

aren't rising at an alarming rate.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom gave me an over- the-pants handy at the mall

and then cried when I cleaned myself up

with the racy top she got at Sirens.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Fuck, I wish they'd just go back to the city, buddy.

Hey, Reilly, speaking of which, whoever said rush hour

in the city was a rough trip never wandered from

your mom's mitt to her butthole.

Fuck you, Shoresy.

I swear, if you weren't a fucking ref, I'd--

Fuck you, Jonesy. I swear if your mom fills

my bedroom with any more squirt I'm going to need to rent

a water taxi to get out of there, you fucking loser.

Fuck you, Shoresy, and fuck this! I'm out of here.

I'm out, too. Ninja dust, bro.

Well, fuck it, dibs on digies, boys.

Hey, you guys wanna get some Thai style chow mein, or...

D.

An A.

And an N.

There's lots of guys in Letterkennys named Dan.

It could be "Nad".

You know, a few of those guys even shares my last names.

I thought your last name was Dan.

Dan is a first name.

What did you think my first name was?

Squirrelly.

Oh, hold on.

Squirrelly Daniel's phone, Squirrely Daniel speakings.

Uh-huh? Oh, terrific.

Oh, good news.

Toodle-oo.

Oh, they found Gregory.

We first saw him running the fence line

where the horses are kept.

Yes and then he came back later that afternoon

when we were installing the swing.

Ah! I hadn't mentioned. We're... swingers now.

Oh.

A large portion of our community enjoys swinging.

Mainly the children, traditionally,

but recently we've joined a number of adults for a swing.

We've swung with each other's parents once.

How's the dog?

Oh, he was barely conscious when he first wandered over.

Eyes barely open. Just little slits.

The tightest little slits.

As he was losing consciousness I began jerking him

to keep him up.

Two hands at one point.

He had a fairly serious gash on his side, once.

Clash with a coyote, no doubt.

Well, if you fight one, you fight a bunch of 'em.

I was able to patch him up,

but it took a lot of tender love and care.

Let's just say I've had my face in gash

for the better part of three days.

Face and fingers, once.

I swiftly retrieved my scissors

and crafted a bandage for the gash.

No one scissors like mine wife.

Well, our daughters scissor quite skillfully.

Now, credit where it's due.

Our daughters learned to scissor from their mother.

Teaching our daughters to scissor

has been one of the great joys of my life.

Look at me.

I get wet just thinking about it.

A D for Dyck.

An A for Anita.

And Ns for Noahs.

And the tea leaves were in the shape of a dick!

Where's he now, Anita?

Is he confined?

We wrapped him in a blanket

and laid him by a fire, once.

Well-meaning folks, just a wee bit redneck.

The children have taken quite a fondness to Sunshine.

Sunshine?

Yes. The name we've given him, if only temporarily.

We thought of calling him Monster for the sickness

living inside of him.

Monster Dyck.

And he was so thin when he first arrived

we thought of calling him Pencil.

Pencil Dyck.

We even considered naming him after

Noah's late grandmother,

Sarah Theresa Dyck.

STD for short.

Discharge, discharge, discharge, discharge.

But at last we settled on--

But his name is--

Sunshine.

You're not supposed to give dogs human names.

We'll be sad to see him go.

I assume ye's are here to take him back,

return him to his true master?

Alright, okay. Fine. It looks like we agree!

How would youse like to keep him?

Now, mine wife, you know on Mennonite farms

animals fulfil only two functions.

T'work and t'eat.

But Sunshine is still healing.

♪ Sittin' on the edge atop a canyon ♪

Joyful wife, joyful life.

Alright, then.

He can stay. We'll continue to tend to him day to day.

I'm surprised that mine wife didn't become a doctor,

for it would seem as though she can't resist an open gash.

My husband knew I was many things when he married me,

but I can assure you,

a gash lover was not one of them.

It's true!

♪ ...become afraid and watch it go ♪

♪ And the day is long ♪

♪ And the bridge is gone ♪

♪ And the river's washed away... ♪

♪ The road I'm on ♪

♪ Only road I know ♪

♪ Everybody's got a problem ♪

♪ Something to do with self-control ♪

♪ You gotta tell somebody ♪

♪ If you got one ♪

♪ You can't pretend you didn't know ♪