Original subtitles

You were a wee bit over the legal limit

with your pals the other day.

What're you looking at?

- Huh? - Huh?

- Wayne. - Huh?

- What's good? - Nothin'.

Okay, well, what was good?

Oh, darts I smoked, and hearts I broke'd.

- What? - Nothin'.

Yous hammered good, buddy?

- Who, me? - He's hammered.

What's that?

You get into a little happy hour over there, bud?

- I'm always happy, Katy. - Where's Rosie?

She never get out of it.

Nothing beats a cat nap between happy hours and suppers.

Couple Caesars will do that to a gal.

Some snackin' in there, too.

There's some pretzels with the Caesars.

You better watch out there, good buddy,

you're gonna get scoliosis of the liver.

Nope, don't think that was right, Dary.

- Nope. - Fine.

He's gonna get psoriasis of the liver.

- Uh-uh. - Strike two.

Okay, spina bifida of the liver.

- Air ball. - Hang 'em up.

Okay, serendipitous of the liver and just leave it at that.

Did yous know that there's a bar in Moncton, New Brunswick

that'll give you three rye and cokes for nine bucks?

Come off it.

Yeah, it's the home of the 3-for-9.

What is this, 2003s?

Says right on the sign there, it's the home of the 3-for-9.

Home of where threes are nines.

- Where'd you read that? - On the internet.

Does it have to be rye and cokes?

You got a problem?

- No, I just-- - You want one?

Just some people like rum and cokes

better than rye and cokes.

Yeah, or rum and 7's, rye and 7's.

Rye and gingers. Vodka 7's.

Vodka tonic. Gin soda.

Seven and tonic, if you like a mocktail.

Gin and 7's. Rum 'n' ginger.

- Highballs. - What'd you call me?

An ounce of booze with a wee bit of pop is a high ball.

If you wanna...

You think they designed the 3-for-9?

Be, like, clientele pays with a ten,

and then the extra buck would go for a tip?

That's only ten percent.

Yeah, I bet that is how they designed it.

Here's three highballs for nine bucks.

Clientele hands them a ten,

and the extra loonie is for the bartender.

What is this cheapskate beat-skate

New Brunswick bull crap?

Yeah, cost of living ain't too highs in New Brunswick,

so there's no excuse for tippings poorly.

Yeah.

That's why I said it's just a loonie.

I was out there one time and I heard a guy say it like loanie.

- Huh? - Was just sayin'

I was out there one time and heard a guy say it like loanie.

- Loanie? - Yeah, like loanie.

More bass-ackwards New Brunswick bull crap.

Actually, as I recall dude said he was from, like,

the other side of the Great Lakes.

Oh, so then it'd be a Minnesota loanie.

Or a Wisconsin loanie.

Can you imagine being the cheapskate beat-skate

New Brunswicker who doesn't give the bartender that loonie after?

She'd say, "What're you gonna do with that loanie?

He'd say, "It's not yours until I give it to you."

She'd say, "You get your mitts off that loanie."

"Oh, you got big plans for that loanies do yas?"

"What're you gonna do with that loanie?"

"You got kids?

If you did you'd know a loanie goes a long way."

Then she'd say, "I do have kids

and I came a long way for this loanie."

"What're you gonna do with that loanie?"

"What I do with the loanie is none of your beeswax."

"That's my New Brunswick loanie."

"It's not even a toanie. It's only a loanie."

"It's not a toanie, so you'll have no problem

parting with the loanie."

"Oh, you got big plans for the loanie?"

"What're you gonna do with that loanie?

"Take the whole family down Disney with that loanie."

- "Buy a boat with the loanie." - "Build a moat with a loanie."

"Fur coat with a loanie."

"Tell me what you're gonna do with that loanie!"

Tip your server.

Laundry day then, eh?

Dr. Rutherford retired.

- Did he really? - Dum-diddie-doo.

- He was a good guy. - He's a good guy.

- He was a great guy. - Well, now there's a new guy.

Is that what there is?

You've got an appointment to open up a file with him

- this morning. - What for?

Because everyone needs a family doctor.

Oh, I know everybody needs a family doctor,

but I got chorin' to do this mornin'.

Yeah? What about this afternoon?

- Chorin'. - This evening?

- Chorin'. - Any and every idle moment?

Chores?

You've got an appointment this morning to open a file.

Pitter patter.

- Okay, Katy. - Katy, okay.

Maybe you oughta see if he's got time for you, too.

Figure out why you've been allergic to clothes

your whole fucking life.

♪ Do you believe in me like I believe in you? ♪

Wayne!

Glen.

I know what you're thinking.

"This guy does everything!"

- Which guy? - Me.

- Well, do you? - I would.

Alright.

Katy called this morning and said that you need

a little check-up, and I said to her,

"Well, we do everything from coughs to colds

to pimples on your dinkie."

Oh, is that what you said?

Wayne...

I'm going to need to pull your file.

I think it's over here.

Nope, not that one.

Sometimes I like to keep it on the bottom.

There it is.

Hm. Alright, Wayne, you can take a seat.

Doctor will be with you shortly.

Thank you.

Hey, brother.

Coach, how are ya now?

Not so bad.

Going pretty hard at the gym, right?

Probably tell from my bod.

Can confirm.

I was at the gym this morning,

and the owner of the gym comes over and she says,

she says to me, "Hey, I think you're here more than I am."

- Oh, is that what she said? - Yeah, yeah.

She owns the gym.

Yeah, so you'd think no one would be there more than her.

- Where? At the gym? - Yeah.

Yeah. Well, she said it not me, so...

Well, there ya go.

Come to think of it, I never see you at the gym, so,

how you keep such a sweet bod?

Lift with your legs, not with your back.

Where? At the gym? Why?

If you don't you'll get hemorrhoids.

Big T, how are ya now?

- Good, and you? - Not so bad.

- Why are ya here? - Gettin' my tits done.

Hey, been going pretty hard at the gym.

Probably tell from my bod.

You here to open a new file with the new doc, too?

- No. - Oh, why then?

Got hemorrhoids.

What, so you're going to walk in there and say,

"How you like them apples?"

I'll say, "You wanna see a cherry tart?"

Tyson?

Yous must'a been early.

Well, if you're not 10 minutes early, you're late.

- Doctor. - Eh, call me doc.

What do you think his real name is?

Looks like a Darren.

I think he looks like a Jim.

Wow, you really do lift a lot of weights.

It ain't your grandma's cherry cobbler.

Eh, I prefer a cherry crumble,

but what I see here is more of a raspberry crisp.

I'm going to write you a script.

It's an ointment. You're gonna apply it three times a day.

You can use the applicator or your finger,

but if you use your finger, you gotta go in knuckle deep.

Hey, is there such thing as a three-knuckler?

Only recreationally.

Hey, when was your last prostate exam?

Need a hand in there, doc?

Maybe a finger?

Nope.

Okay, I'll be right outside if you change your mind.

Mm-hm. So...

Not for love or money, doc.

You've never had a prostate exam?

Not for all the tea in China.

A prostate exam is a standard

and very important part of any head-to-toe physical.

It's my responsibility to strongly suggest one

with every new file I open.

Glad I ain't opening one.

Well, we're already here. Why don't I just

saunter up there and check your Attorney General?

Mm, I don't have time.

You never had one before, right?

- No, but-- - Well, now's the time.

Alright, don't worry. The exam only takes a second.

This is clean.

Well, how are the cherry tomatoes?

You guys are here to open a new file, right?

- Just a bit of lip filler. - I'm seri', dawg.

Just pop in before the gym. What's up, brother?

Opening up a new file involves a head-to-toe physical.

What, are you saying there's a pedicure, too, or?

Guess what comes with a head-to-toe physical.

Gym membership.

Now, I want to make sure I heard that right.

So, you said...

You mean...

- Wayne. - Pardon?

- The doctor will see you now. - I'm out.

Or it says Coach?

- Mm-hm. - Whoever wants to go first.

Just give me a sec to disinfect.

- I gotta go to the gym. - I gotta get to chorin'.

- Well, gym's more important. - Well, chorin's more important.

You wanna just go? Let's just go.

- How're you now? - Good, and you?

- Not so bad. - There you go.

Gonna do some chorin' this afternoon?

Yeah. Just takin' five before chores?

Yeah. It's like, a pretty good five.

Yeah. Might, uh...

Might end up takin' a real good five here.

Did you hear Dr. Rutherford's retiring?

Yeah. He was a good guy.

- He's a good guy. - He was a great guy.

So, you gonna go open up a file with the new guy?

I may.

That's good. Everybody should have a family doctor.

For sure.

Mm-hm.

They should...

And you?

Yeah, thought I'd go down there.

Oh.

- So I did. - Did you really?

Went down after 'brefakst'.

So, is it true...

that you get a head-to-toe physical

when you open up a new file, or...

- Can confirm. - Alright.

So, do you want to do anything notable...

...in and around the end of 'er, or?

Yeah, you could call it notable.

What was it?

Um...

Tunneling?

Oof. Oof. Oof-oof-oof.

It's in the gallery, or?

- Down the crawlspace. - Alright.

Well, how was that for ya?

I heard that sort of thing can break your heterosexuality.

Well, how would it do that?

Well...

you let someone go up there once,

and it just doesn't work anymore.

Oh, like it just stops working.

- Bottoms up. - Like, instantly,

or you just-- you just--

like, losing power to the dash for a wee bit?

Nope, she won't turn over.

And no matter how many times you try.

- Nope, won't even spark. - That right?

Is that right?

So, did you...

end up opening, uh...

a new file there, or?

Well--

How's the garburator, doc?

Well, it's good for me, but I think your dentist

- would tell you to floss. - Yeah, guess I could

try out those white strips I got for Christmas.

Well, alright, Daryl. Take your pants down.

Need a hand in there, doc?

- Maybe a finger? - Nope.

Okay, I'll be right outside if you change your mind.

Mm-hm. So...

Just take my pants down?

Yeah, take your pants down.

I'll do your biannual prostate exam,

and then we'll get you back to that...

...barn it smells like you just came from.

Well, I just, I never had one before.

Wait, Dr. Rutherford never met your sheriff's deputy?

- Nope. - Your Hochelaga-Maisonneuve.

- Nope. - Went outside the city limits?

Never.

No quick Uncle Sam?

- Uh-uh... - Huh.

Never touched the grand gland, eh?

Well, we're here now, so why don't we just

dance on up there and check out Bobcaygeon?

I, just-- maybe I don't have time right now.

You never had one before, right?

Well, no, but--

Then now is the time. Don't worry.

The exam only takes a second.

Oh, I should put on my glove.

And then straight up the channel?

Oh, no, I pumped the brakes.

- Did you really? - Yep.

How?

I said I had to poo.

You said you had to poo.

Yeah. I said I'd never had to poo so bad in my entire life.

Right then and there.

So, took my pants back up, said I had to poo.

No, but I thought you said you had to poo to get out of

taking your pants down.

No, I got the idea for saying I had to poo

after I had took my pants down.

Yeah, but--

you were pert' around the bases.

Yeah.

You shoulda just let him slide into home.

- Yeah. - Oh, Dary. I feel you.

That's going to be the one that got away, good buddy.

- Yeah, but-- - No but...

It's just...

Have you-- You know how you have to spread your butt cheeks

sometimes 'cause you're going to--

Sure, sure.

Well, have you ever had another man

spread your butt cheeks for ya?

Well, no.

Well, it's a bit... queer.

I'll let you have that one.

This man wanted to spread my butt cheeks wide open

and just--

Yeah, that's-- that's why Tyson said.

He said...

And that was all just a bit too much for you then?

Yeah, so I took my pants up and hit eject on the...

But you're right at the doorstep of the...

But I couldn't, you know...

But couldn't you just...

Hey.

Whistle while you work?

Have you no fucking garments?

The clinic called.

'Kay.

Why'd you miss your appointment?

- Glen tattled?! - I never said it was Glen.

Why'd you miss your appointment?

Well, I'm not gonna tell you unless you tell me who tattled.

Doesn't matter who tattled.

You're not s'posed to tattle, Katy!

Yet here you are telling me to tattle.

You know, I go through the trouble of making you

that appointment, and then you go being ignorant of my time?

It wasn't on fucking purpose!

Glen says that if you leave right now he can squeeze you in.

Oh, Glen said that, did he?

Well, guess you just shot yourself in the foot then, Katy.

Go.

No!

Go! Scooch your bum.

Daryl! Wayne!

Glen.

You twos left in a hurry this morning.

Did you forget to say goodbye to someone?

I had to poo.

Thank you for your honesty, Daryl. Wayne?

I had a spin class.

You had a spin class?

Monday, Wednesday, and twice on Friday.

I'll have to verify that. Let me see your calves.

Look, can the doc still fit us in or no?

I'll have to verify that also.

Let me pull your files.

Okay. Yeah.

Go ahead and take a seat.

How're ya now?

- Hey, brother. - Not so bad.

Hey, remember when I was telling you I was going

pretty hard at the gym? Probably tell from my bod.

Well, I hope you're not down there

taking pictures of yourself.

Eh, deadlifting plates.

So, I bend over for the Olympic bar

and give it a tug with my back like you said.

No, you should lift with your legs, not your back.

Now I got the grapes of wrath, like Tyson.

What?

I got little fish eggs, brother.

- Got a little 'tapico'. - Ah, a little trouser rub.

A little backyard caviar there.

I asked Tyson if I could borrow his ointment, right?

For my cranberries, and he thought that was gay.

I'll let him have that one.

Just a little ill at ease that the doctor's gonna want to--

Dance on up there?

Well, he's in the neighbourhood.

That'll want a buggy.

Did you ever have one, Coach?

A body fat test? Yeah, every morning at the gym.

Holy fuck.

Even though they look at my bod, they still do it.

No, a...

Just to confirm you mean a...

Can confirm he means a...

No. You?

No.

You haven't either, hey, brother?

Why haven't you had one?

- I'm scared. - What for?

I've never had a desire to put anything up my butt.

So, let's operate on the assumption

I'm not going to love it.

You know, like I love going to the gym.

Yeah, it'd be a little bit cramped up there.

So, what if the doc traipses up there,

and it, you know, he sees a reason to

traipse up there again?

Oh...

You know, one traipse could lead to many traipses.

- Yeah, I guess it could. - A lifetime of traipsing even.

So, it's an ignorance is bliss type thing.

I never even thought about that.

Well, what keep you from getting...

- Betwixt? - Yeah.

Well, I heard that it could break your heterosexuality.

I think if something like that's going to break

your heterosexuality it was

- already broken. - Maybe already broken.

- Yeah, that was my initial... - I've had some time to think

- ...thinking that I came up - about it, that's the

- ...with as well. - conclusion that I've come to.

Hey, why are you so hesitant, Wayne?

Well, I'm a bit ashamed of myself here, fellas.

- What's the scoop, good buddy? - Lay it on us, brother.

I hate change.

That seems like a slow death.

You know what, your whole life, come into the doc,

shines a light in your eyes, looks in your mouth,

listens to your heart.

And now, all of a sudden,

they want to put their finger up your ass.

Fellas, the whole thing just makes me want to go to bed.

- How're ya now? - Good, and you?

- Not so bad. - He got the bum beets like me.

- I have never-- - He got 'em at the gym like me.

I've never run from anything in my life.

What's that got to do with your blood oranges, brother?

Can't live with myself.

Ran out of the guy's office over a little oil check.

- It's embarrassing. - It's not.

- No, I did it, too. - That makes it even worse.

You want to know what?

We all scrambled.

So, maybe it's not that embarrassing.

My pants were still down when I started running.

- Did you trip? - Yup.

That's fucking embarrassing.

That's a bit embarrassing, so.

Well, well, well.

Here's a bunch of familiar faces.

I'll take you in no particular order.

Just give me a sec to disinfect.

Hey, 'sup pink dicks.

Hey, Tanis.

Just came from the gym.

Doesn't count unless you tell everyone then, eh?

You look good, Coach.

It's the gym, I just got back from it.

Doesn't count unless you tell everyone a second time then, eh?

You're like a drunk seven?

Really?

Daryl, what are you doing here?

Did you put a chicken bone up your nose again?

I was told you're not s'posed to ask people that.

Coach, if you're here to get a referral to talk to a shrink

about your dead wife, it's good. It's time.

Tyson, you can't be helped.

- What's up, boo? - How're you now?

- Gettin' your tits done? - Not so bad.

Seriously, what up?

Well, we're all getting our prostates checked.

Well, we're s'posed to.

What do you mean you're s'posed to?

- Well, we're-- - Scared.

- Skittish. - Tired.

Yeah, it's just none of us have ever had this done before, so.

Well, what's a prostate? Do I have one?

In women I'm told it's the G-spot.

Guys have a G-spot?

- No. - Well, I'm told that they do.

Why wouldn't you want to get that checked?

Boom.

Okay, so am I going to have to Google this?

What the fuck is a--

'Kay. So, what's he put up there?

The fuck you mean what does he put up there, Tanis?

Well, what's the apparatus called that he puts up there?

- A digit. - Huh?

- A pointer. - Huh?

- A feeler. - What?

- A finger. - A finger?

Yes, a fin-- phalange.

- And then what? - Then what?

And then what else does he put up there?

- It's a, uh-- - Like, it's just his--

- Tactile. - For how long?

He said the exam is over in seconds.

You pussies.

- What? - You pussies.

What?!

You fucking pussies!

That's derogatory.

Try getting a pap smear.

- What's that? - What's that?

It's like getting fingered but with salad tongs.

Holy fuck!

- Alright, I need a volunteer. - Why?

Daryl, you just volunteered yourself, you lucky man.

Get over here.

Get on your back.

That's your stomach, idiot.

These are stirrups for your feet.

Now, put your feet in the stirrups.

And we're going to pretend like his mitt's just right out.

- Is his mitt right out? - Oh, it's right out.

It's getting free air conditioning and shit.

I get that at the gym.

I'm the doctor, and I'm going to put my face

right up in his mitt.

You put your face right in his mitt?

Can confirm, and it's the only time

it's not aggressively welcomed.

Boy, you're really in his mitt there, Tanis.

Not yet.

Now, you're going to want to scooch.

Why?

'Cause it's a pap smear, idiot.

- More. - More?

More. More!

I think that's gone far enough!

Okay, now, we're going to insert the speculum.

Ooh, speculum was my nickname in high school.

- Oh! - How could I help?

- Why thank you, nurse. - What's a speculum?

You know what the jaws of life are?

Yeah, it's what a fireman uses to pry a survivor

out of an automobile car, you know, in an accident...

After an accident.

It's like that, but for your mitt.

What?!

Now, nurse. Inserting.

Inserting myself. The speculum.

They used to keep that thing ice cold straight through the '90s.

And alley-oop. There.

Now that the speculum is inside of Daryl's mitt--

- Thank you, nurse. - My absolute pleasure, doctor.

Now, I'm going to take this cone-shaped brush,

and this teeny-tiny plastic spatula,

and I'm gonna scrape Daryl's cervix

like I'm scraping yogurt out from the inside of a cup.

- Not his cervix! - What's that?

Do I have one of those?

It's, like, inside your mitt. That's all you need to know.

And scraping, scraping, scraping.

Ooh, such fine work, doctor.

Scraping, scraping, scraping.

You really have to get it all.

And I'm scraping Daryl's mitt.

Doctor, little thought here.

Since we're already in the neighbourhood,

what if we bebop downstairs and check out his

- Lukewarm Steve Ass-tin? - Mm.

And as much as I would love to keep scraping Daryl's mitt,

he's in his barn clothes.

Oof.

- May I get up? - You may.

Now, think about that the next time you want to cry about

a finger up your ass for a few seconds.

For many, it's a treat.

Put your mitt away, pussy.

Thanks, nurse.

♪ You and me, might be you and me, again ♪

♪ And I don't want to waste more time, there's nothing... ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Damage on the skin ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Scars on my brain ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Damage on the skin ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Shut me out ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, you're just a piece of, ah! ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat, just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, you're just a piece of, ah!♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat, just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat, you're just a piece of, ah! ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat ♪

♪ You take a piece of me ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat ♪

Wow, never experienced anything like that at the gym.

Okay.

It's a bit like taking a shit but on rewind.

That's a mental picture.

Well, it's a conversation piece is what it is.

It's a conversation piece.

I guess a wee bit of burrowing isn't the end of the world.

Talk to me when you get daggered.

- How far up does he go? - I'd say about an inch.

I'd say it's more like two.

Oh, it's not two inches. I've seen two inches.

And it's not two inches.

It's a bit queer having a man

spread your butt cheeks for you, eh?

That's exactly what I said.

I said it's a bit queer.

- The word means two things. - Mm.

Hey, brother.

Is your heterosexuality intact?

Puppers?

- Please and thank you. - Please and thank you.

She's fully operational.

Fully operational then, eh?

She's alive.

Well, Coach, how's she go up there? She all gravy?

Well, I got a couple of strawberries in the rhubarb,

but other than that...

- Huh? - Hunky dory.

It wasn't all that bad.

Well, that's the thing, it's not bad, it's just new.

It's a-- It's a new part of life.

So, what are you going to do now

with your nevertheless intact heterosexuality, Dary?

Get out of my barn clothes.

♪ Welcome to Man on a Beach, here ♪

♪ Monday, the 12th of December ♪

♪ And I'm here above Whitsand Bay ♪

♪ With Mark and Nathaniel ♪

♪ So, chaps... ♪