Original subtitles

You went to your pal's second cousin's house the other day...

Ugh...

- How're ya now? - Good, 'n' you?

- Not s'bad. - I'm s'bad.

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

Have you ever been to Dan's second cousin's house?

- Who? Garrett? - No. Jarrett.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I put a field car in their back pond one time

and have not been welcomed back.

Oh, sure you are, good buddies.

Oh, I'm good, good buddy.

And why would that be, Wayne?

Because Dan's second cousins

have the biggest hick house I have ever seen.

- Waynes! - I can beat it.

- No, you can't. - Can, too.

- Cannot. - Can and will.

Katy, is this because we just came back

from my second cousin's house down the side road?

Dary's second cousin's house down the side road

is the biggest hick house I have ever seen.

- Katy! - Look, youse are familiar

with our stance on personal hygiene,

so it should be no surprise our stance on home hygiene.

Sounds like you wanna go head-to-head, Katy.

I'm ready for a hick-off.

You guys gonna hick-off in front of each other,

right here, right now?

I hicked off earliers todays.

Dan's second cousints

have the biggest hick house I've ever seen because...

You said you were gonna grab us some more beers before all this,

but you know, whatever.

Dary's second cousints

have the biggest hick house I've ever seen because...

Well, let's just make sure nobody's feelings

are gonna get hurt here.

When you pull up the laneway,

a llama comes trotting up to your door the way a dog would.

That's Cody.

There's a Planned Parenthood billboard on the property

right beside another billboard that says,

"Smile, your mom chose life."

I thought it was good to stay bipartisan.

There's a substantial ring of blood

in the bathroom sink, shower and toilet.

Okay, define substantials.

There's two Jack Russell terriers in the kitchen,

standing side by side, licking the wall.

Yeah, they're Wire Haired Jack Russells, though,

I mean, if we're splittin' hairs.

There was a patch of black ice inside the door

that Dan's little cousints were playing ball hockey on

and one of 'em sticked me in the face.

Oh, that'd be Cody. He's on the spectrums.

Wait. The kid and the llama are both named Cody?

Well, Cody gots to name the llamas, so...

And then, there was a toddler,

drinking a two-litre of cream soda,

wearing a onesie that said,

"Sex instructor, first lesson's free."

That's Cody Jr. That's Cody's boy.

There was bird shit on the carpet inside.

You can't prove that that's bird's shit.

The floors are so slanted,

Dan's cousints GT from room to room.

Now, that is a Brett Hull's editions GTs racers,

and I challenge any of youse to find one of those nowadays.

One of their living room chairs is just a flipped over blue box.

They call a bucket in the closet an en suite bathroom.

There was a car parts titty calendar on the fridge.

Dan's uncle showed me a nude photo of Dan's aunt

that he keeps in his wallet.

Aunt Nancys?

They keep the windows open all winter

because the whole place just smells like piss.

Well, it may smell like that to you, but--

There's an impossible amount of Subway wrappers...

beside the toilet.

Ew. You used the en suites?

Dary's second cousint burned his eyebrows off cooking meth.

Yeah, that one won't be beat.

Dan's uncle has too many DUIs to drive truck,

but still somehow drives a school bus.

Yeah, now, that one won't be beats.

I did see...

what could only be a glory hole.

Katy, my aunt and uncle's sex life is none of your beeswax.

On the side of the goat pen.

Oh!

You win.

Your second cousints has the biggest hicks house.

Your second cousints have the biggest hicks house

One times, a bird flew into your second cousints house

and your aunt actually yelled out, "What's in tarnation?!"

Well, same thing happened at yours

and your aunt yelled out, "Dinner!"

- Big day. - I should say.

- Don't delay. - Okay.

Where's he goin'?

Remember when Marie-Fred showed up at the bar

during the launch of NDN NRG?

- No. - Well, she did.

Why didn't he tell me about that?

You don't airs your dirty laundry.

Yeah, give people something to talk about and they will.

Well, it's just rumours.

And you know the small town approach to rumours.

Where there's smoke there's fire.

What did she want?

There's a truck she's been after for a while

and found one at the dealership in the city.

Like here in the city?

Can confirm. English city. Not Quebec City.

Great fishin's in kaw-becs.

She asked Wayne to help her with the sale

'cause the English will take liberties with the French.

And vice versas.

Why does he want to help her?

- 'Cause we owe her one. - Why?

It rhymes with "Shlong dick jerks."

And you're fine with this?

- Yep. - And dandy?

No reason not to trust him till he gives me one, bud.

Bought and paid for. So, are you guys excited

for the Caesar making contest at MoDean's?

Not much of a contest, KatyKat.

Ándele.

I'll packs up the garnishes.

It's just... you know, guess I'm a wee bit miffed

that Wayne didn't want me to come to the dealership with him.

I dicker better than anybody.

Nos, you don'ts.

Who can dicker better than me?

Good man.

Ahh, McMurray!

- Marie-Frédérique! - No, no.

How're ya now?

- Not s'bad. Good, 'n you? - Good 'n...

- Good 'n you? Not so-- - Anyhoo...

Thanks for the help.

Don't wanna get my pants pulled down, ya know?

Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head, Marie-Frédérique.

Wayne knows me better than anybody,

and I know him better than anybody,

that's why he knows nobody dickers better than me...

'cause he knows me better than anybody.

Okay, well, that's...

And I know him better than anybody.

- Bon. - Wanna know what,

I got a few quick questions here 'bout the truck

before we get this rig rollin'.

- Allons-y. - What year is it?

2017.

- How many klicks? - Short of 80,000.

- V8? - V6.

That's better than a 4-banger.

What's your mile to the gallon?

- 16. - Highway or city?

16 city. 23 highway.

- Ponies? - 355.

- Torque? - I don't know.

- Probably 'round 380. - Well, 380, 383, yeah.

- Ever been in an accident? - Fender-bender.

- You file a claim? - No.

- Warranty? - Good through 100,000km.

How long's the one you want been on the lot?

- Not a month. - Dealer above board?

Meh. Likes to take swipes.

- Sorted? - Sorted.

All good?

All gravy.

Jimmy Dickens.

Dick-skin!

Indeed.

The Caesar building competition may begin.

Each team will present their Caesars

with a breakdown of ingredients,

and then, upon completion of the presentation,

spectators will be asked to raise their hands

if they so desire the Caesar in question.

From there, either I or one of my...

...merry, gregarious auctioneer chums

will tally the show of hands

and compare the grand totals,

team by team, come competitions end.

Now, let's meet the judges.

Startin' with this dog with two tails.

Now, this cushion-hearted,

beguiling guy comes from out Hanover way

and remains proficient in the auctioneering practice

well into year ten as a professional.

It's Charlie "Cue Ball" Lawless, everybody.

Now, how about this barrel of monkeys?

Barrel-- the whole barrel!

Now, this frolicsome fella

is full of all the joys of spring.

Coming to us this afternoon from out Seaforth way,

and full of vim and vinegar...

...it's Derek "Broadway" Olson, everybody.

From here, I'll hand the floor over

to your master of ceremonies -

Miss Bonnie McMurray!

Usual rules - you'll state your base,

your booze and your rimmer,

with a maximum of three boosters

and a maximum of three garnishes.

Group at the end with the most hands up

after their presentation drinks free tonight. Yup?

- Yup. - Super.

My understudy will be taking over from here.

- Your understudy? - I don't work tonight.

And I want that free booze.

Here we go, Bonno.

Saddle up, lady.

Who is your understudy, buddy?

♪ Partir, venir ♪

♪ Mourir, courir ♪

♪ Partir, venir er mourir ♪

♪ Écoute chérie, j’ai pas le temps ♪

♪ Écoute chérie ♪

♪ Je t’ai dit non ♪

Eh! You know where the punch clock is and everything?

Bonnie showed me.

- 'Kay. - Hi, Daryl.

Oui, allo.

I'm looking after my grand-mère in Galway

while my grand-père has an operation.

Figured I'd pick up some shifts while I'm here.

That's... fine.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your new master of ceremonies,

your new commander-in--

Mandarin? Who's Mandarin?

If she cheats...

- It's over. - No exceptions.

I know.

Fuck, does she look good.

Your commander-in chief - Anik!

Hicks up first.

- Base? - 100% Clamato juice.

Traditional Canadian approach.

- Booze? - Vodka, three ounces.

Two is the norm, but three's appreciated. Rimmer?

- Hardly knew 'er. - Dary...

Wets the rims with lemon juice

and then dust it with celery salts

and Montreal steak spice.

We could have a contender here. Boosters?

Dash of Tabasco, dash of Worcestershire,

shot of pickle juice.

I won't stop you now. Garnishes?

Stick of celery, dill pickle...

Ands a Slim Jims.

Hey, I know a Slim Jim!

You're up, Dickens.

Take it away, Cue Ball Lawless!

Okay, hands up in the air!

We got two now, we got five now,

seven, now 10, 12 now, 15.

- We got 15! - 15!

Where's his office?

Oh, it's actually...

Marie-Frédérique. Bonjour.

Hello, Lisa. How are you?

I'm perfect. Bring me a couple bluebirds?

- Pardon? - Bluebirds.

Unexpected sales opportunities.

Just a little dealer humour.

Are they extra hands to help you catch your white whale?

White whale?

It's an expression,

derived from Herman Melville's classic novel Moby Dick.

Ahab, captain of the whaling ship Pequod,

chased and chased and chased Moby Dick,

his white whale, but never caught it.

So, to say something is your white whale

is to say it's something

that you chase and chase and chase and never get.

See, this is why I've brought my--

- Cousints. - Yeah.

For when English goes over my head. You know?

I see. I'm Lisa.

McMurray.

Nice to meet you. I'm Lisa.

I'm Wayne.

Nice to meet you.

You know, you really should have

just taken the truck home with you.

You still can. I insist.

I don't want to risk an accident.

I trust myself on the road. Don't trust others.

Who can blame you?

No one loves drunk driving like the French.

So, let's make sure this truck

doesn't become Marie-Fred's white whale.

There's only one.

There are plenty of white whales.

I'm sorry?

They're called belugas.

Uh-huh. Charlotte?

Decision-maker's niece;

she wants her to learn from the best.

Charlotte, can you escort Marie-Fred,

Wayne and McMarshall to my office.

Coffee? Water?

- No, thank you. - No, thank you.

I'll have a water.

Charlotte, can you grab that for Mr. McMorris?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Merci. - Avec plaisir.

Okay.

I have to go to the back quickly,

but I will be... right with you.

She's 'macmirn'.

She's what?

Mirroring.

That's what I said - 'macmirn'.

Did you notice when I put my hands on my hips,

she put her hands on her hips?

When I crossed my arms, she crossed her arms?

That's called 'macmirn' -

building a rapport with a potential buyer

by adopting their body language.

She's trying to make me feel like I'm hanging

with an old field hockey pal.

You played field hockey?

She tried to get you with the puppy dog close, too.

- Ehh? - Well, it's when the dealer

lets you take the truck home for a while,

drive it around, hopes you fall in love with it.

It's kind of like dropping a puppy off at someone's door.

Ah, je comprends.

Well, all right!

If there's a feature on the truck you don't want,

you're prepared to say, like...

"I'm not paying for that."

- Ouais. - Super.

Personally, I'm worried about this dealer.

But there sure is an awful lot

of nice snatch around here, though.

Your second cousints thinks Wonder Breads

is a foods group.

Did you say they're inbred?

Yeah, they're that's, too.

Reilly and Jonesy.

Has anyone dibs'd you yet?

- Base. - Okay, we'll circle back.

Half Clamato juice, half tomato juice.

Otherwise known as a Clamato Bloody Mary.

Actually, buddy, I think I believe

it's half to-ma-to and half Cla-ma-to.

- Is it? - Booze?

Three ounces of vodka.

Seeing some welcome consistency in that category.

Rimmer?

Wet the rim with some lime juice,

and then dust it with some celery salt

and Montreal chicken spice.

- Assaisonnement? - Excuse-a-me?

Seasoning. Boosters.

- Ah, of course. - Yeah.

Frank's Red Hot sauce,

ten dashes of Worcester-sha-sire sauce.

Now, it's a muddy Caesar.

And, of course, a shot of dill 'plickler' juice.

- Garnishes? - Of course.

One dill 'plickler', one 'plickled' pepper.

And one 'plickled' egg. Protein, boys.

Hey...

Jim Dickens?

The stage is yours, Broadway Olson!

Okay, folks, lookin' for hands for Caesars.

How many hands I got? One now.

Two, looking for two. Now three.

Three. Now, five. Five. Lookin' for five.

I got five. Lookin' five.

Lookin' for seven now, seven now. Eight now.

Nine now. Ten. Lookin for ten. Ten?

What about ten?

Would you look at that. She has a picture

of her softball team for her computer wallpaper.

Tells me an awful lot.

Why? What's on your computer wallpaper?

- The wife. - And you?

The dog.

Yep. That is no family man, I tell ya.

Woman.

I see you've met the ladies.

Mm-hmm. Youse any good?

Why play if you can't win?

- Have a seat. - You gonna sit?

I sit all day.

- I'll stand too. - Why?

Because sitting is quietly murdering you.

Mm-hmm. Let's get right to it.

Good patio weather out there.

We wrap this up, we can engage in some NSAs.

Non sales related activities.

If I'm reading your buying signals correctly,

you're no tire kicker.

Person with no ability to buy.

I'm not here to make an emotional sale.

Generate excitement around the product.

I've analyzed your BANT.

Acronym for:

budget, authority, need, timeline.

And with any luck, I will be taking something

significant to the decision-maker.

She is the gate-keeper of the deal,

but her boss is the decision-maker.

Now, what can I do to earn your business today?

Youse got a hard copy of the FAB?

"Features, advantages, and benefits."

Of course I do, McMorris. Charlotte!

I've got mine. Alright,

so the truck comes with a full-length moonroof, eh?

Marie-Fred, you ever had a moonroof.

- No. - Any desire for one?

It's nice, but I'm fine with a sunroof.

Alright, so, the truck comes with a full-length moonroof

and we're just fine with the standard

factory sun roof, so, like...

So, I'm not paying for that.

Let's talk intellectual sale.

Intellectual sale appeals to logic

for quick solutions to a problem.

Correct, McMansplain.

Wanna know what, gets pretty cold in Q-bec.

Colder than here, actually.

What say you throw in a remote starter

to help warm up the truck in the winter months

and, uh, I'll forget about the added cost

of full-length the moonroof.

I can do that.

We reaching the bottom of the sales funnel?

Fancy way of saying, "Are we close to a deal?"

Alright, so, the truck comes with

a tri-fold soft tonneau cover, eh?

- Out of the box. - You wanna know what?

You're not paying for that?

Marie-Fred, your last truck's

got a tri-fold hard tonneau cover, eh?

Ouais.

What's say we get one of those out of the box.

Oui?

I mean, yes?

Never mind.

Actually!

Go see the decision-maker in her office,

tell her I'll be coming soon.

Okay.

On second thought, I'll just do that myself.

I will be right back.

I would love to have a bath with that gal.

Your second cousints garage has four skidoos in it,

nones of which is operationals,

yet they parks the cars on the front lawns.

Your second cousints keep a bottle of Windex

in the liquor cabinet for making, quote,

"Regina martinis."

Skids.

Dibs.

Wait! If by asking if she's been dibs'd,

is that not technically already dibsing?

- No. - Anyhoo...

Base?

Half Clamato, half V...8.

Added nutrition. Uncharacteristic approach.

Booze?

Three ounces of gin, Beefeater.

Gin Caesar - very popular with the British.

Y' Peaky Blinders,

bruv innit?

Innit? Matthew Crawley?

- Rimmer? - Wet...

the rim with soya sauce

and dust it with celery salt and lemon pepper.

Breaking new ground here. Boosters?

Horseradish, lemon juice...

Macarico piri-piri sauce.

I'm intrigued. Garnishes?

One Baffin Island jumbo cocktail shrimp.

Ooh!

One Salt Spring Island Dungeness crab leg.

And one Prince Edward Island Malpeque Oyster!

Yeah!

Jimmy Dickens?

Yes, ma'am. Tally-ho!

Tally those bananas, here we go.

Alright, now, we're looking at how many hands in the air?

We got one hand right here. We like one, two. Two.

We got four over here. Lookin' at five. Five. Five.

Lookin' at six. Six. In the bathroom over there,

seein' one over there in the bathroom.

Lookin' at urinals over there, we got two in the urinals.

Minus two in the urinals--

15 over here, if we count Linda. 15.

Well, Liza...

I think we've done all the dickering we can

on the fine points here.

I think you're right, McMartin.

- What's your price? - The one on the sticker.

- 32,5? - As I recall.

29,5.

I hope you don't think

I'm gonna meet you in the middle here.

- Out the door. - Out the door?

- Out the door. - 29,5 out the door?

29,5 out the door.

I do like that sticker price.

Well, there is an awful lotta wear and tear

on a gal over 80,000 klicks.

Good thing it's not quite at 80,000 klicks.

But it is almost at 80,000 klicks.

Good thing it's covered under warranty

through 100,000 klicks.

- 30 out the door. - 32 out the door.

Oh, come now, youse knows and I knows

that you got it at auction for low 20s.

I got it on a trade in and I overpaid.

Not our problem.

If it's my problem, it's your problem.

- 30 out the door. - 32 out the door.

I'm holding firm at 30.

I'm sorry I couldn't earn your business today.

Charlotte!

Cash deal.

- Cash? - Cash.

Why didn't you say so?

I thought you'd ask.

If it's cash, I'll do 30 out the door.

- 29,5 out the door. - 30 out the door,

and I'll go see the decision-maker right now.

29,5 out the door

and I'll go see the decision-maker right now.

LISA Who can blame you?

No one loves drunk driving like the French.

Hmm.

You didn't think I'd let that one go, did you?

Maybe the decision-maker agrees with me.

Your assistant's been slipping into her French all day.

Clearly a Québécois accent.

If she's the decision-maker's niece,

the decision-maker most likely has some Québécois in her, too.

Charlotte! Ta tante parle français, hein?

Deal.

29,5.

Didn't need you here, McMerkley.

Charlotte!

You know, I wasn't sure

until she leaned on her desk there,

but that woman is not wearing a bra.

Your second cousint

switched to paper straws for hoovering schneef

and referred to it as "going green."

I didn't actually wants to bring this up

because it upsets me so much,

but it was clear, from the residues on the case,

that your second cousints been using

my favourite Canadian albums

for hoovering schneefs off of.

- Which one? - Chantal Kreviazuk.

"Surrounded" is a generational song!

Ooh...

That is the finest looking Caesar I've seen in a minute.

Base.

100% Clamato juice.

Keeping it Canadian. Booze?

2.5 ounces vodka, 0.5 ounces moonshine.

Ooh...

Bold. Rimmer?

Wet rim with Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Dust it with Old Bay Seasoning and Cajun spice.

My oh my. Boosters?

Slappy Mama Hot Sauce.

'Kay.

Spicy horseradish.

And you gotta have that spicy garlic dill pickle juice.

- Ooh! - Yes.

We may have a new fan favourite here.

And finally... garnishes.

Jalapeno stuffed olives,

and a spicy dill pickle, and...

A slab of black pepper habanero beef jerky.

I really like beef jerky.

That's every hand up.

We've got a winner, everybody.

You're drinkin' free tonight, Bonno.

Hold it now. Hey now.

Final tally is not yet official now.

Go on now.

Cue Ball Lawless,

how many hands up are up currently?

- Looks like about 15! - 15!

How many hands up were up

when you tallied the hicks?

- 15! - 15!

And Broadway Olson, how many hands up

were up when you tallied the hockey players?

- 15. - 15.

Skids total tally also tallied 15,

making this a 4-way tie -

15, 15, 15, 15.

Well, everybody loves a Caesar, boys.

Can't see a Caesar and not want a seize 'er.

That's actually how they market Caesars.

Everyone gets a free Caesar.

♪ Take all of the time ♪

♪ You've got in your mind and try to revive... ♪

I saw my second cousint

garnish her Caesar with a dart.

No.

It's a true story.

I once saw my second cousint

rim his Caesars with MsDMAs.

- No. - True stories.

Oh, yeah? Well, my second cousint

says the Leafs win the true cup

every year they don't have a Russian on the team.

Oh, yeah? My aunts joined us for New Year's Eve

ponds hockey last years and called me a pussies

'cause I wouldn'ts drops the gloves with her.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my second cousint's got a salad bowl

filled to the brim with cigarette butts.

Oh, yeah? My second cousint's

got a Big Gulp filled to the brim with chew spits.

How are ya now?

I'm pert' near positive,

the smell of McMurray's breath

has attached itself to the upholstery.

Mm.

- Thanks for checking in. - You're welcome.

You alright?

No reason not to trust you till you give me one, bud.

Well...

feel like dancin'?

Nah. Let's go home.

♪ Sometimes it feels like everyone is still ♪

♪ Is telling me what's the truth ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like everything real ♪

♪ Is not what you're supposed to do ♪

♪ Sometimes the way the things that they say... ♪