Original subtitles

Your pal says he takes a magic pill that gives him

an extra two inches off the tee, and buddy,

that's more suspect than my hairline.

Turns out she said "celibate" and not "selling it",

so you lost a couple teeth but you got to keep your 20 bucks.

You put that magic pill in with your pal's vitamins

and that isn't even the first time he was rock hard

at the Santa Claus Parade.

Folks on the news can't keep telling me how bad gaslighting

is without showing me at least one blue angel,

like, I'll be the judge there.

You know two things for damn sure,

and that's life is a highway and Twitter is a cult.

You and your sweetie aren't Facebook official anymore,

because she says she wants a man who will spoil her.

Must've forgotten that hotel room in Niagara Falls

with a fucking heart-shaped hot tub in it.

Your steak came out just a wee bit too well done,

had you shaking the entire fucking four-top

trying to cut through the cocksucker.

Your gal decided to get her first IUD

after you got your third DUI.

Your pal got a piece of gum stuck between his butt cheeks

one time, and isn't that curious?

They say that sex sells, but it must be sold out

'cause I can't find a lick of it on Kijiji.

You stopped going to church, 'cause like,

well it's just a wee bit too hot in there, but...

you can pray for a new Shania Twain album from home.

You got a pal that likes to air his dirty laundry,

and there's no telling how many people heard him say

he's got the clap, but they didn't need to shut down

the water park the whole fucking day.

You heard people saying the Dos Equis guy

is supposed to be the most interesting man on Earth,

but most interesting woman for sure goes

to the Asian Zamboni driver who just beat you at horseshoes

and loves Insane Clown Posse.

Bret the Hitman Hart is a Canadian icon,

so you had to put your little cousint' in a sharp shooter

for calling him "Bret the Hitman Fart".

There's a new dentist in town that does teeth whitening,

so now you've got the awkward task of telling

one or two pals their teeth are yellow as duck feet.

Your one buddy who ruins the bathroom at every house party

he's at is the same buddy that looks down on you

for pissing outside.

You had your first prostate exam the other day,

which is no picnic, but even that's better

than being asked if you're "pissy".

Your friend Sean Amsing still ain't getting the glory

he deserves for calling his Halloween party

Premature Ejacu-lantern.

Gals who tuck their phones into their bras on the dance floor

cannot be knocked out.

But gals who take their shoes off on the dance floor

will try.

Previously on Letterkenny...

Connor. Darien. Quick the banner.

2cock Chakur?

They just call us 2cock.

- Tassie. - Cassie.

- I'm Tassie. - I'm Cassie.

I'm sick of these dudes already.

It's like the shotguns are cocks.

- Let's go then. - Let's do this.

"NDN NRG"?

Your logo looks just Bit & Bites like the BROdude logo.

No.

Tastes the same too.

Did you come to sue the mukluks off me?

How about I read some Ancestry.com results instead?

Your rez's rules state that in order to play

for the Native team, you must be Native.

Reilly, Jones and Shore,

the DNA submitted for all three of them was the same.

The directions said to spit in a cup and send it in.

So we spit in the cup like the directions said.

- Who sent it in? - Shoresy!

Fucking Pokémons,

gotta catch 'em all, you piece of shit.

I must revoke the Kerry County Eagles championship status.

No!

That cup belonged to the Three River Lakers.

Fucking Three Rivers.

- Katy, I have a new boyfriend. - Oh?

I wanted you to hear it from me.

'Kay.

So, like, what would you say

is the best donny you've ever had, boys?

- Like the best Donnie Wahlberg. - Like, the best Donny Osmond.

Like the best brook you've ever donnied.

Like the best Jungle Brook.

When Dierks came back to Letterkenny.

- Boughts and paids fors. - Heard about that.

You are the king of sucker.

That's high praise coming from you, bud.

Thinks we all gots in a suckers on that ones.

Oh, I got in a good sucker.

But you are the king of sucker.

Fucking him or me.

I'd sucker you in your sleep, boys.

Eat, sleep, sucker, boys.

But you are the king of sucker.

Put a fucking shirt on.

- Well, how do you do it? - Same way you do it.

Well, you do it more than I do it.

Wanna just fuckin' whip our dicks out here or...

You never sucker a guy in a one-on-one.

That's dishonourable.

Well, unless he previously suckered me first, eh,

you fuckin' nut-tugger.

In a one-on-one, you wanna follow the steps.

What, like square off, scrap.

Well, square off, scrap, shake hands.

Square off, scrap, maybe shake hands.

Nah, square off, scrap, shake hands, maybes haves a beers.

Ideally you're having a beer.

- Yeah that'd be most desirable. - Y'know, in a perfect world.

There's no perfect world in a brawl though, boys.

Yeah, hundy p, no rules in a big donny-b, boys.

No rules ever for the king of sucker.

You better settle down over there

or I'm gonna come talk to ya.

Well, even numbers in a brawl is technically one-on-one.

- Fuck, look at you JB! - What's next, long division?

Fucking Roman numerals over here.

He'll be multiplying fractions in no time.

Hey, what's the co-efficient of X, ya fuckin' walnut?

King of suckers.

Look, I'd already suckered him once.

Yeah, you suckered him a while back there, good buddy.

So, it's his own fault he didn't learn

from the first sucker. - Fools me once.

At a certain point it's his own responsibility

he got himself suckered again, isn't it?

Now, if you ever hit me and I find out about it.

Eat, sleep, sucker, boys.

What's this about a sucker?

Story time, Dickskin.

Dickens.

Everybody, out! Go!

You too, get out. Quicker.

What do you think this is, a parade?

Get out of my bar now!

You too, get out of my bar! Go right now!

You in the curly hair...

...All of you, take your hat and go!

Come on, come on, come on!

- Buddy? - Hey, buddy.

- Think we got a problem, buddy. - I know, buddy.

Just lost a 'ship.

No, I know, buddy, but I think we might've--

I think we might've lost Cassie and Tassie too.

Tassie! - Cassie!

Yeah, buddy, either we finally called them

by their right names, or they're not here.

- Let's fan out. - Go north-south.

Neutral zone trap?

- Let's get it. - Let's get it.

- Tassie! - Cassie!

You sure about this, Auntie?

Yeah...

She looks pretty shysty, Auntie.

Yeah.

She's pretty sexy though, Auntie.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure about this.

Eh!

Let's talk.

Pretty fuckin' cool.

Dierks'd still be a fight on-sight, eh, good buddy?

No need. Fuckin' douchebag.

Wants currently outweighs needs, Miss Katys.

Hi, big cutes.

You got big balls coming back here.

I got big everything down there.

Hence the nickname "Long-Dick Dierks".

You thinks anyone's happy to see youse?

Judging by your tone, no.

Which is very concerning, very concerning,

very complexing. - Then beat it.

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, you and me, I would not...

oppose ye.

Hey, where's big Dad?

Okay, his friends are still cross.

Very predictable, very predictable, very prophesized.

I told them they don't need to.

Wants is still outweighing needs, Miss Katys.

I'm not as dumb as you look, my favourite of the guys,

for your very, very kind eyes.

Long-Dick Dierks comes prepared.

Very prepared, very processed, very primed.

- You said it wouldn't get ugly. - He says a lot of things.

- She's right, baby boo. - Oh, is she?

If you want to date a bad boy, you can't be upset

when he does bad boy things.

You remember my, uh, cousint' I'm sure.

Of course, Dierks, I'm unforgettable.

Appreciate the accompaniment, Elmo.

- Elmo? - It's actually Elmo-Adrianus,

two first names, hyphenated. It's Dutch.

- You look Dutch. - We're all Dutch.

This is Aldert-Kristoffel,

and Vas-Bram-Ambroos.

Which is actually three hyphenated first names.

So, you all have two hyphenated first names?

Two to three, yeah.

It's pretty common in our area of Dutch Michigan.

But just one last name.

Last name is common only hyphenated as well.

- In Dutch Michigan. - Yes.

To carry on the legacies of both the "moeder en vader".

- What are your last names? - We all have the same

last name, we're cousints'.

- That being? - Rensburg-van Koeverden.

- Look at you. - Enough talk.

Let's go, right now. Ain't doing what we did last time.

And what-- what was that?

- Oh-ho, you know. - Don't thinks we do.

- Oh, I know you do. - Is it kick your ass?

- The other thing! - Eat?

No, no, the thing we did between those two things

when you were-- eh, fuck!

- Easy, easy. - I'm alright.

I'm not getting sucked into your syrup-eatin' games again.

- Really? - Really, bro.

Ain't here for that cute back-and-forth bullshit

you canucks love so much, eh?

- For real. - The realist.

- You sure? - I'm positive, brah.

Sounds like you've made up your mind.

Oh good, you can hear.

Already kinda doing it, though.

Believe me, bro, I'm not.

Do you not realize it's happenings right nows?

Not in a million years, amigo, not on my watch.

What would you call what's currently taking place?

Some bacon-makers about to get their butts beat. Yeah!

What's your name again?

Elmo-Adrianus Rensburg- van Koeverden, bitch!

- Who are you? - Squirrely Dan.

That's a stupid name.

So you're saying you don't wanna talk.

- No talk, all action. - And here we are talkings.

- Uh, no we're not. - But here we are though.

- Nah. Not happenin', padre. - But it is happenin' right now.

Hey, I'm the guy who tells you what's happening right now,

paisano. - Right, talkin'.

- Uh-uh. - Then stop talking.

No way, Jose. We're gonna keep-- no, wait, okay, fuck!

- Lock it up. - Yammer.

All right, the talkin' ends now and the fighting begins.

Okay. Just one more quick sec.

For what?

♪ You better stop, yeah ♪

♪ Dogging me around ♪

♪ If you don't stop, yeah ♪

♪ I'm gonna put you down ♪

♪ Cause, I can't take it ♪

♪ Much longer ♪

♪ My heart's getting weak ♪

♪ It's not getting any stronger ♪

♪ You keep me so upset ♪

♪ My head's in a whirl ♪

♪ But if you wanna be my girl ♪

♪ You'd better stop, yeah ♪

♪ Doggin' me around ♪

♪ Cause if you don't stop, yeah, ♪

♪ I'm gonna put you down ♪

- Dirty sucker. - That's redundant.

As I recall, the story involved two suckers from Wayne.

Well, look at you, can't count to two.

- One, two, fuck you. - Well, three, four...

- Fuck you more? - Put a fuckin' shirt on.

You ought to take JB's math class, Tyson.

Hey, how high can you counts, JBs?

I'm too-- too high to count.

JB, real quick, five plus five.

We're all these fellas bigger than you?

'Pert nears.

Just painting a mental picture.

Yeah, 'pert near mostly.

'Pert near no one was bigger than joint boy, though.

Yeah, 'pert near only a few were bigger than Tyson too.

Any reservations about beating on someone smaller than you?

Well, if there was, how would you ever be in a scrap?

Yahtzee.

♪ You better stop, yeah ♪

♪ Dogging me around ♪

♪ If you don't stop, I ♪

♪ I'm gonna put you down ♪

♪ Yes, put you down ♪

♪ I don't wanna do it, but I'll have to ♪

♪ Put you down ♪

- King of the suckers. - King of the suckers.

That still wasn't the biggest story of the night.

Youse ever get that sorted?

- They smoke-bombed us, buddy. - Ninja dusted, bro.

- Cassie. - Tassie.

- I'm Cassie. - I'm Tassie.

Give your balls a tug.

Shoresy?

You lost a 'ship and you stole our sweeties?

Your sweeties hopped into my truck

like a couple of homeless derelicts jumping a train.

I'm supposed to be honey-dicking your moms right now,

you fucking losers.

What happened to Ancestry.com? What did you do?

A broad-ski I used to wheel in Junior works there now.

She told me your tests came back white as snow,

so I gave her my DNA.

- So, you spit in our cups? - No, I fucked her.

Oh, that DNA.

A Native I'm wheeling spit in your cups.

But-- Why?

- You gotta get that W, boys. - But...

The glory of winning will never equal the pain of losing.

They don't ask how, they ask how many?

- But... but... - But... but...

No!

- They do ask how! - They did ask how.

And they determined that we got to how by cheating.

And then, they took away the how many!

Where's your purse? You sound like a fucking broad.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Reilly.

Tell your mom to trim her toenails,

she carves up my thighs when she gets buckin'.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Jonesy.

Tell your mom to trim her fingernails,

Reilly's mom's getting suspicious about my war wounds.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Reilly.

Your mom asked me to pull her hair, and then hit me up

for a hundo when her extensions came out.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mum asked me to choke her and seriously,

not even that could shut her up.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Reilly.

Your mom wanted 11th hour anal and lied when I asked

if the chamber was empty. It's one step forward, two steps

back in this relationship. I'm fuckin' sick of it.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom says she's tense with anxiety.

Can you talk to her for me?

She's gripping my wiener way too hard.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Reilly.

I walked in on your mum watchin' porn and she tried to cover

it up worse than she tried to cover up your old man.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom wanted to watch porn and went straight for BDSM

with complete disregard for how triggering that is

for anyone who's been ball-gagged in their sleep

by Reilly's mom.

Fuck!

So, yeah, it's back down to one 'ship, boys.

One 'ship's better than no 'ship, buddy.

Yeah, but two 'ships is better than one 'ship, buddy.

Wait, so...

Oh, fuck here comes algorithm face.

Up next, multi-variable calculus?

Hey, let's hear some algebraic geometry, you fuckin' ape.

Up next reciprocities laws.

Fuckin' dynamic systems and differential equations.

Fuckin' here we go now. - I'm not a math guy either, JB.

I feel like we keep getting interrupted by you guys,

and I don't really think that we do that to you,

so, I just want to know, why do you keep doing it to us?

- Onward. - Daryl,

to answer your question from earlier, the answer is yes.

We are currently head-down and winning a 'ship

in beer league hockey. Thank you for asking.

You should just call it beer league though, buddy,

I mean, it's so phoned in, it's barely hockey.

You're right.

It is bad enough we call Senior A Level shit hockey.

Beer league is beer league, it's its own gen-re.

- Sorry? - Gen-re.

- Genre? - It's its own gen-re, Dickskin.

- Dickens. - Pink dicks!

- Youse ready? - Ready when you are, Auntie.

I wasn't talkin' to youse.

Joint Boy, Tyson... time. Do some push-ups or somethin'.

They're my spokesmodels.

Is that why youse had your shirts off?

Holy fuck.

All right, now youse, is everything good inside?

- Good. Got my NDN NRG girl. - Let's go then.

- And I've got my BROdude girl. - Allons-y.

And now, introducing to youse for the very first time,

the faces of our collaboration.

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie ♪

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie, elle jolie ♪

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie ♪

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie, elle jolie ♪

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie ♪

♪ Elle jolie, elle jolie, elle jolie... ♪

BROdude and NDN NRG present...

- Let's go, dude. - Let's BRO then.

Just for today, Tanis.

Yeah, there's a short shelf-life on this.

- Damn. You two look-- - We know.

- We heard you, and thank you. - It's appreciated, but--

I can't get in this outfit twice. Once is plenty.

- I don't know how youse do it. - You get used to it.

And my male models!

- Let's go, dude. - Our live entertainment.

- 2cock Chakur! - Just 2cock.

Seriously, just 2cock.

Yeah, we don't wanna get our pants pulled down here.

- Well... - But remind us

how this works again?

Last time we checked, you had just fucked her real bad.

Guess you could stay I just started fuckin' her real good.

Yahtzee.

- Sex, sex, sex... - Sex, sex, sex, sex.

Eh! We gonna launch this bitch, or what?

- You ready? - I'm ready.

- You ready? - I'm ready!

- Youse ready? - We're ready...

Hey, beautiful dumb-dumbs, put on these hats.

- Oh, sick, buddy! - Sweet, bro.

- I love hats. Thank you. - Thanks.

- All right, let's go dude! - Let's BRO then.

- It's just for tonight. - Turn up?

You already know.

We're gonna do it right this time.

The beer, Wayne.

♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ Haven’t you heard? ♪

♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ Haven’t you heard? ♪

♪ Oh, I been looking for you ♪

♪ Haven't you heard? ♪

♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ Haven't you heard? ♪

♪ Have you heard that there's an ad ♪

♪ Listed in the classifieds? ♪

♪ Kind of brief ♪

♪ It only says "I'm lookin' for the perfect..." ♪