All language subtitles for Letterkenny.S08E06.Holy.Sheet.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

You were eavesdropping
on some nutsacks

at the bar the other day...

Okay, I've got mine.

Might surprise you
but I'm going with basketball.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Wilt Chamberlain claimed
to have slept with 20,000 women.

Not a bad tally.

Not a bad tally
for one tally-whacker.

That's a lot of driving
to the hole.

That's a lot of rim work.

Did you know
he also set the record

for 100 points in a game
wearing Chuck Taylors?

Hope he had the courtesy
to take 'em off

for his other record.

Given their height and the size
of their feet,

it's safe to assume
that basketball players

also have the biggest...

Dicks?

- Balls.
- Hey-ooo.

So in conclusion, I submit,
the sport with athletes

that wheel the most broadskis
is basketball.

- Jonesy?
- Football.

Like, American football
or European football aka soccer.

- Should call it football.
- Fuck off.

Biggest teams,
so mathematically,

you gotta figure
the highest gross.

Not saying they pull
the most tens.

Yup.

Gross is the operative word
here.

Probably a lotta
fours and fives.

May the fours be with you.

Cuz some of those linemen are...

- Offensive?
- Hey-ooo.

- Reilly.
- Baseball.

Not to be confused
with soccer-baseball.

Yeah, that was
the dagger, buddy.

Why baseball?

Baseball players have
the longest season,

so they're on the road most

with ample opportunity
to wheel broadskis.

Plus they use the least energy
of any sport.

So they'd have the most energy
to wheel broadskis.

I'm changing my answer.

- Can I change my answer?
- No.

That's totally cool. I get it.

You can change your answer.

Shouldn't hockey players
be the low hanging fruit?

I didn't want
to say hockey players,

because that's
the low-hanging fruit...

Fuckin' mind reader.

Samezies, bro. I didn't want
Bonnie to be like...

Is this guy even trying?

- Why hockey players?
- Hockey players at any level

share hotel rooms on the road.

So, like it's curfew, right?

Just before curfew
you wheel back to your room

to discover your defense partner
wheeling a road rocket.

What then?

Become his D-partner.

- Stick to stick.
- Tape to tape.

Not allowed to leave.
It's curfew.

- Rude to stare.
- True. You couldn't like

not acknowledge it.

If you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.

If you can't beat it... Join in.

I'd rather jerk off.

So an opportunity
for a hockey player to wheel

very often turns
into an opportunity

for their teammate
to also wheel.

With this in mind,

hockey players wheel
the most broadskis.

Did you know
that 100,000 condoms

were handed out to athletes

at the 2010 Olympics
in Vancouver?

- I did.
- No, you didn't.

450,000 at the summer Olympics
in Rio.

The fuck outta here.

Hockey players lead the way

in London bridging broadskis
for sure.

Just gotta respect
the Load Code.

What's the Load Code?

Oh, bother.

The Load Code of the road.

Don't get any of your brogurt
on your buddy.

- Mind your boner batter.
- Don't spray Spunky Brewster.

- There's fines for that.
- Fines?

Same way there's fines
for stepping on the logo

on the carpet
in your dressing room.

Yeah, or letting your jersey
touch the floor.

Those are
pretty common things though.

You're saying accidentally

brogurting on your buddy
is common enough

for there to be a fine
in place for it?

Load Code.

Load Code of the road.

That's kinda hot.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Ellen again?

Like click-clock work.

Butt stuff?

Little dab'll do ya, eh?

Whoa, Hugh!

- Wayne.
- Noah.

Mr. Dyck.

- Daryl.
- Hello, Noah.

Daniel.

Haven't seen ye
in the age of a dog once.

My sympathies that the love tree

you and Lovina tried to plant
together didn't take root.

She's a special gal.
I knows it now more than ever.

How is she?

Well, I'm sure you've heard

she was attacked
at a petting zoo.

I hadn't.

A big cock.

From behind.

Found herself
on the receiving end

of a good-sized prick.

Doctor said
he'd never seen such a gash.

The size of a fist once.

Which was all she had
to suppress the bleeding.

Can you imagine?

A fist in your gash.

Pretty tough week then, eh?

I wish I could say it stopped
there once. Unfortunately not.

Just a few days ago my two sons

had the prickliest
of the itchies

after playing in a pile
of old pink insulation,

the very same day my daughter
fell into the manure pile.

I had two in the pink
and one in the stink.

What brings you by, Noah?

Wayne, your community
has always used us right

and hopefully you feel
we've used you right.

Yup.

I need your help
over on the Dyck farm once.

Put it this way.
It's work only men can do.

My young boys aren't
up to this type of job just yet.

Got six strong hands.
We can help.

I am blessed this day.

The Lord has delivered
three able men

willing to help me
with a hand job.

What does the job involve?
Exactly.

Men banging.

And men pounding.

Best I show you once.

I don't think
today is going to...

- We'll be there, Noah.
- Thanks unto ye.

Bring your tools once!

By the way,

my children have taken
to digging for buried treasure

in the corn field.

Yes, their imaginations are ripe
with curiosity,

but they've been instructed
to halt this behavior

so please, neighbors,
do let me know

if you see my children
corn holing in the field.

Who is that snack?

That's Katy's.

- All yours.
- Atta babe.

Coach.

What's that?

Yeah, my therapist suggested

I spend more time
outside the house

in the company of others

instead of inside by myself

thinking about
my dead wife Barb.

My therapist is worried
I've become obsessed.

Sure wish this stool had
some lumbarb support.

- Sup.
- Sup.

- I asked you first.
- I recall.

I don't know who you are.

I happen to have
that information.

- Got a smoke?
- I do.

Smoking's gross.

This chat is really
kind of all over the place.

You waiting on somebody?

Katy.

Gailer.

- Sup.
- Sup.

Wanna get hammered?

So, what do you think? We head
over there for half hour?

You know, we got
our own chorin' to do.

You better settle down
or I'm gonna come talk to ya.

You were half rude to Noah.

- I wasn't half rude.
- Were too half rude.

If you were a 2010 Rhianna
smash hit, you'd be Rude Boy.

I wasn't half rude.

If you were one of Santa's
reindeers, you'd be Rudolph.

I wasn't half rude!

If you were on an '80s sitcom,
you'd be Rudy Huxtable.

Call it an eighth rude.
Not half.

- Who wrote techno hit Sandstorm?
- Darude?

- He was expose'ta answer that.
- Oh, sorry.

Quarter rude,
but I'm maxxed out there.

If you were a former Mayor
of New York, you'd be...

Rudy Giuliani?

No. Bill de Blasio.

Who was known
for being extremely rude.

Fine. I was A&W Rude-beer.

But I've heard some talk
about Nappers,

and it might have something
to do with what Noah wants

is all I'm saying.

What were you told?

- You won't like it.
- Fuck's sake, Dary,

you baited the hook and we bit.
Reel us in.

What were you told?

I was told that Nappers
are trying to mix up

- their blood lines a wee bit.
- Why?

Generations and generations
of inbreeding.

So, sometimes the dads'll go
calling on dudes

outside their families to,
like

come fuck their daughters.

How'd you stay out of special ed

running with an old wives' tale
like that?

- It's not an old wives' tale.
- Yes, it is.

You are straight up life skills.

It happened to Dickskin.

- No, it never.
- Did too.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.

I'm calling Dickskin.

If I find you're lying,

you'll find me
in a real bad mood, okay?

Jimmy Dickins. How're ya now?

Good'n you?

Not s'bad. Listen, I got
a weird question for you,

so I'm just gonna come
right out and ask it.

Your terms are acceptable.

Goodness,
I don't even think I can.

Jim, did some Napper come up and
ask you to fuck his daughter?

You shouldn't air
your dirty laundry.

Sorry, good buddy.

That's okay, good buddy.

But no such thing
happened to me.

- Sorry, good buddy.
- That's okay, good buddy.

Though there has been talk

of such things
in auctioneer circles.

What were you told?

I was told livestock aren't
the only thing

schmellies go scoutin'
at farmer's markets.

- And then?
- There's an auctioneer

out Brussels way
about my size...

- Is he really?
- Said he was told

by an auctioneer
out Hanover way,

also about my size.

- Fuckin' Dutchmen.
- That his cousint,

a significantly
shorter auctioneer...

Swissman, likeleh.

Was approached by a schmelly
at a farmer's market

offering him $500 to lay
with his daughter.

In the biblical sense.

Five hundred's better
than a kick in the pants.

I'm surprised he got 500 dollars
from a Napper.

I was kinda thinking
two bills, maybe 250 tops.

I'm told a hole is cut
into a sheet.

The schmelly daughter
on one side,

the stud on the other.

The stud threads his penis
through the hole

and penetrates
the awaiting schmelly.

Fuckin' how 'bout it.

Why the sheet?

I'm told schmellies remove
physical and visual contact,

aside from penile-vaginal,
of course,

to keep the sex limited
to pro-creation purposes,

and deter it from becoming
more English, as they call it.

I suppose that makes sense.

Hence the expression,

"put a little English on 'er."

Well, that's some fun trivia.

Jim, did your auctioneer buddy's
auctioneer buddy's

- auctioneer cousint...
- Did he get in there?

Well, Dary,

you're no auctioneer if you hear
500 dollars and don't see 525.

Do I have 525, 525 now 30,

535 now 40.

- Thanks, Jim.
- Sold.

Ellen.

Little dab'll do ya.

Let's assume it's true.

Dickins' auctioneer buddy's
auctioneer buddy's

auctioneer cousint
was approached by a Napper

at a farmer's market
asking him to procreate

with his daughter for $500.

Better than a kick in the pants.

You're lucky you get 500 dollars
from a Napper.

Yeah, see, I was thinking
two bills, 250 tops.
But, Dary...

What

makes you think

- all Nappers do this?
- Objection!

Dan.

Dary is just trying to establish
a history and pattern

of this behavior.

He did not say
all of them do it.

He's just saying it's possible
that this one does.

- And is.
- I'll rephrase.

Dary...

What...

What makes you

think...

Noah was suggesting this today?

He said the job was men banging
and pounding.

Let the record show
Noah said many things today

that could be misleading.

I'll allow it.

Then he said there were
some things only men can do

and he winked.

- To be fair...
- To be fair!

- To be fair.
- To be fair!

A wink can mean many things.

Dickins said they do it
through a hole in a sheet!

Inadmissible!

Hearsay.

He just said he heard it,
so, yeah.

Whose side are you on?

In closing...

Dary,

would you or would you not

agree with the statement,

"fuck, can they run."

- I guess so.
- It's a yes or no question.

- Yes.
- Fuck, can they run.

Every one of 'em can run.

Nothing further.

I'll be brief.

Now, Daryl,

everyone here knows
you're a good guy.

Objection. Where are you
going with this?

Just saying he's a good guy.

He's a pretty good guy.

You're a good guy.

In your opinion,
what percent chance

do you think there is that
Noah wants one, some or all us

to procreate with his daughter?

I think she's 50-50.

Now,

what if it was Noah's sister?

- Lovina Dyck?
- Objection. Irrelevant.

May I approach?

I'll allow it.

I just always kinda thought
that Dary was maybe

more Lovina's type than me

and given the opportunity
in this setting,

I thought I'd just ask him

rather than stew on it
any longer.

We're going to the Dyck farm.

You wanna look at a menu, chief?

No, thanks. I'm cutting back
on barbohydrates.

Snacked on some rhubarb earlier.

Is there a barbage back there?

- Pretty kitty.
- Another round, please. Thanks.

Couple Puppers,
couple Gus'n Bru?

Still got it you old goat.

Great tits, eh?

- Yours?
- I know they're great.

No confirmation required.

Then...

I'm like fuckin' Gretzky
in here.

- I know where everybody is.
- Gotcha.

And you're talking
to a fellow window shopper.

It ain't a crime.
I do it all the time.

- Bit of look, don't touch?
- Cheap thrills.

- Never hurt anybody.
- Bing bang boom.

You are very cool.
Very cool, very nice.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do about it?

Gentlemen, I do thank you
for joining us

for an afternoon hand job.

Lovina.

- Do we smoke out here?
- Anita, how're ya now?

It's been quite a week,
as I'm sure you've heard.

May I show you
my sister-in-law's gash?

We heard.

I would have called, but

yous don't use phones.

Not our only ailment
this week, unfortunately.

Just yesterday I cut my finger
chopping wood.

I continued to work
while occasionally licking it

as to not get blood on my dress
but, long and short,

I spent the entire day
licking my own axe wound.

Did the children not offer aid?

I'd sent them inside
to get out of the sun

and I'm glad for it.
Children do worry.

You're right. The last thing
I want them seeing

is their mother out in the yard
licking her own axe wound.

Lovina's made lemonade.

I implore you to hydrate once.

After all, you'll be
hammering box all day.

Hammering box?

My feed boxes were destroyed
in the windstorm Wednesday last.

With another on the way,

we need to rebuild
and time is of the essence once.

My boxes?

One of those boxes

was constructed by me,
Noah Dyck.

Forgive me mine wife.

And I want to know

which one of you
is going to pound my box?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I screwed that box
for hours yesterday.

My Dyck doesn't have the stamina
he once did,

so we are grateful
for your help once.

Oh, Anita Dyck,

did the boys finish
those three loads of hay?

They finished one.

I did the other two.

For shame.

Imagine, my sons left two loads
on their mother.

Oh, it doesn't end there.

Jedidiah took quite a tantrum
this morning

when I tasked him
with garden work.

I told him to gather up
the garden tools

and go to the shed
for a time out,

where, unfortunately,
the tantrum continued.

He spent a half hour in there
smashing hoes.

Please enjoy this afternoon's
hand job.

There's even a prize
at the end for the man

who uses his tool the best!

What kind of prize?

Hint.

What's moist and warm

and feels like heaven
in earthly form?

Objection.

Daryl, would you help me push
these closer to us?

Can do.

I always lay a cushion down
to save my knees.

Would you like one?

I'm okay, thanks.

Really?

Don't like a little cushion
for the pushin'?

Be careful
with those hammers once.

I know you didn't come here
for a finger bang.

There's Donald
the donkey calling.

He's a very tall donkey.
Tallest ass I've ever seen.

My son wasn't big enough to
mount him till just this year.

That's right, it took him
nine years to go up the ass.

Did yous know
donkey is considered a delicacy

in some parts of the world?

I was served it
at a church supper

in Latin America and I'll admit,
I was hesitant.

But once I tried,
I said to myself, who knew?

Turns out I love eating ass.
I could eat ass all day.

Hey, Noah, workin' hard
or hardly workin'?

I have been told I possess
fitter skills for yammering

than hammering.

But while we're yammering...

Daniel, any genetic
health issues in your family?

My second cousints
allergic to pollen.

- Who? Garrett?
- No. Jarrett.

Why?

We here
in the Mennonite community

are often born
with poor hearing and sight.

Generations and generations...

Do what you've always done

and you'll get
what you've always got!

Daryl, how often do you partake
of the devil's nectar?

Could always drink less
I suppose.

Better than the devils dander.

Lesser of two evils there
for sure.

The lesser of two evils
is an evil, no less.

Secondary education is common in
the English world.

I assume yous all attended once?

Wayne, tell me,
do you belong to a gym

or do you just have good genes?

Don't need a belt
if you've got good jeans, so.

- Good genes then.
- Yeah.

Winner of
the No-Belt Peace Prize.

- Too much fun.
- Yeah.

Why do you ask Noah?

Casual conversation, I suppose.

A few men working away
shooting the proverbial feces.

- Noah!
- Mine wife!

A prize at the end?

"Heaven in earthly form"?

Holy sheet.

Hole-y sheet.

Wee bit out there,

but not sure it means
he wants us, like

for his daughters.

What about
all those questions?

He's trying to establish
a genetic pecking order.

Good name for a band.

What is?

Genetic Pecking Order.

You fellas going to see GPO
at MoDeans?

I think three-word band names
always sound emo.

I'm gonna fake sick
and make a break for it.

Daryl! Can you come help my wife
with a couple of loads?

Now it's his wife too?

Why me?

Seems that like my husband,
you've got more of a skill

for yammering than hammering!

- What fun!
- Hammering... He can't...
He's just terrible with the...

Gail?

I'll have the barbecue chicken.

Ever heard the expression,

"everyone's always fuckin'
somebody else?"

- I have.
- Words to live by.

- I agree.
- You fuckin' somebody else?

I am.

- You are?
- I was.

Okay.

You haven't asked me
if I'm comin' or goin'.

- This is true.
- So I'll ask you.

- Like, what we're doing?
- I'm starting to give a shit.

Very cool. Very nice.

Do you give a shit?

I think I do.

If you give a shit, you'll have
to be a master of one.

No more jack of all.
That's the rule.

- Cool?
- Cool.

- Very cool.
- Very nice.

And no sweat either way.

If it's not me...

Tits is right over there.

Tits is everywhere.

Gotcha.

If you say you're in, you're in.

But if you say you're in
and you're not...

You'll have every dude
in Letterkenny

lined up
around the block for ya.

You comin' or are you goin'?

Impossible to avoid
the sexual innuendo on deck.

People love sexual innuendo.

I'm coming.

Here we go now.

Very smooth.
Very smooth, very subtle.

Never had a Gus'n Bru?
Best option in the bar.

In any barb really.

Or mini-barb.

Heck, it beats barbiturates.

Barb.

Is he going to be okay?

- No.
- Okay.

We have to get this out
on the line.

Nobody likes a wrinkly Dyck.

So I'm told.

Charity and Chastity in there?

What is your interest
in my daughters once?

Nothing. I just...

Make... It's a conversation.

You know Daryl, we Snatches
tend to be quite closed.

Snatch

is my maiden name.

Anita Snatch?

My father Seymour...

Seymour Snatch?

And my mother Aida.

Aida Snatch?

Believed that children
should be seen and not heard.

I'm a bit more liberal myself.

I believe that children
should experiment

with being grown-ups

under the watchful eye
of their parents.

And, of course, the Lord.

That way we and He
can step in and help.

Even participate if need be.

Show them how it's done.

They're preparing the prize
for the winner.

Girls, almost time
to stick it in!

Now, let's see if you can manage
a big load.

Tightest box
you've screwed today, Wayne?

Little dab'll do ya?

Tell her that.

Hey!

Would you gentlemen like
a box lunch?

You could come inside
or eat out.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I must say you pounded

an impressive amount
of boxes today.

You must be tired.

- Dary?
- But, Daryl,

Anita and I have decided

that your tool was
the most polished on this day.

The prize is yours once!

Oh, bother.

This reward will feel very good.

Close your eyes.

Good buddies?

Girls, come on out.

Take your tops off and present.

Hole-y sheet.

Daryl, Are you ready
for moist and warm

and heaven in earthly form?

Open your eyes!

Surprise!

Wait a moment.

Were you expecting
something else?

- No.
- Yes you were.

I know exactly what.

Do ya?

What kind of people
do you think we are?

You thought...

I'm sorry. It's just...

My friend's auctioneer buddies

auctioneer buddies' auctioneer
cousint said...

Hush, puppies!

You thought that we would try
to pay you

for helping us today,
didn't you?

You thought you'd close
your eyes and feel a big fat wad

slide across your palm?

And you were worried
about how to say no.

Because of the old adage,

"a favor for me,
turns you into a dunce..."

"... when you bring up
the subject of money once."

I feel silleh.

Daryl,

Does our daughters'
warm sticky pie

not appeal to you?

It does.

Then let us enjoy this sweet pie
with our mouths,

together, as a community.

Daniel, would you like to walk?

Little dab'll do ya.

Don't leave yet!
I'm no good at good pies!

What's the plan, handsome man?

I'd better get on home
to subarbia.

Maybe lift some barbells.

I've bombarbed you guys enough.

Lil dance before you skedaddle?

Sure! You may have to crow-barb
me off this seat though.

I've overdone it
on the hard-barb.

Oh, get movin' you ol' souse.