Original subtitles

You were eavesdropping on some nutsacks

at the bar the other day...

Okay, I've got mine.

Might surprise you but I'm going with basketball.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with 20,000 women.

Not a bad tally.

Not a bad tally for one tally-whacker.

That's a lot of driving to the hole.

That's a lot of rim work.

Did you know he also set the record

for 100 points in a game wearing Chuck Taylors?

Hope he had the courtesy to take 'em off

for his other record.

Given their height and the size of their feet,

it's safe to assume that basketball players

also have the biggest...

Dicks?

- Balls. - Hey-ooo.

So in conclusion, I submit, the sport with athletes

that wheel the most broadskis is basketball.

- Jonesy? - Football.

Like, American football or European football aka soccer.

- Should call it football. - Fuck off.

Biggest teams, so mathematically,

you gotta figure the highest gross.

Not saying they pull the most tens.

Yup.

Gross is the operative word here.

Probably a lotta fours and fives.

May the fours be with you.

Cuz some of those linemen are...

- Offensive? - Hey-ooo.

- Reilly. - Baseball.

Not to be confused with soccer-baseball.

Yeah, that was the dagger, buddy.

Why baseball?

Baseball players have the longest season,

so they're on the road most

with ample opportunity to wheel broadskis.

Plus they use the least energy of any sport.

So they'd have the most energy to wheel broadskis.

I'm changing my answer.

- Can I change my answer? - No.

That's totally cool. I get it.

You can change your answer.

Shouldn't hockey players be the low hanging fruit?

I didn't want to say hockey players,

because that's the low-hanging fruit...

Fuckin' mind reader.

Samezies, bro. I didn't want Bonnie to be like...

Is this guy even trying?

- Why hockey players? - Hockey players at any level

share hotel rooms on the road.

So, like it's curfew, right?

Just before curfew you wheel back to your room

to discover your defense partner wheeling a road rocket.

What then?

Become his D-partner.

- Stick to stick. - Tape to tape.

Not allowed to leave. It's curfew.

- Rude to stare. - True. You couldn't like

not acknowledge it.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If you can't beat it... Join in.

I'd rather jerk off.

So an opportunity for a hockey player to wheel

very often turns into an opportunity

for their teammate to also wheel.

With this in mind,

hockey players wheel the most broadskis.

Did you know that 100,000 condoms

were handed out to athletes

at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver?

- I did. - No, you didn't.

450,000 at the summer Olympics in Rio.

The fuck outta here.

Hockey players lead the way

in London bridging broadskis for sure.

Just gotta respect the Load Code.

What's the Load Code?

Oh, bother.

The Load Code of the road.

Don't get any of your brogurt on your buddy.

- Mind your boner batter. - Don't spray Spunky Brewster.

- There's fines for that. - Fines?

Same way there's fines for stepping on the logo

on the carpet in your dressing room.

Yeah, or letting your jersey touch the floor.

Those are pretty common things though.

You're saying accidentally

brogurting on your buddy is common enough

for there to be a fine in place for it?

Load Code.

Load Code of the road.

That's kinda hot.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Ellen again?

Like click-clock work.

Butt stuff?

Little dab'll do ya, eh?

Whoa, Hugh!

- Wayne. - Noah.

Mr. Dyck.

- Daryl. - Hello, Noah.

Daniel.

Haven't seen ye in the age of a dog once.

My sympathies that the love tree

you and Lovina tried to plant together didn't take root.

She's a special gal. I knows it now more than ever.

How is she?

Well, I'm sure you've heard

she was attacked at a petting zoo.

I hadn't.

A big cock.

From behind.

Found herself on the receiving end

of a good-sized prick.

Doctor said he'd never seen such a gash.

The size of a fist once.

Which was all she had to suppress the bleeding.

Can you imagine?

A fist in your gash.

Pretty tough week then, eh?

I wish I could say it stopped there once. Unfortunately not.

Just a few days ago my two sons

had the prickliest of the itchies

after playing in a pile of old pink insulation,

the very same day my daughter fell into the manure pile.

I had two in the pink and one in the stink.

What brings you by, Noah?

Wayne, your community has always used us right

and hopefully you feel we've used you right.

Yup.

I need your help over on the Dyck farm once.

Put it this way. It's work only men can do.

My young boys aren't up to this type of job just yet.

Got six strong hands. We can help.

I am blessed this day.

The Lord has delivered three able men

willing to help me with a hand job.

What does the job involve? Exactly.

Men banging.

And men pounding.

Best I show you once.

I don't think today is going to...

- We'll be there, Noah. - Thanks unto ye.

Bring your tools once!

By the way,

my children have taken to digging for buried treasure

in the corn field.

Yes, their imaginations are ripe with curiosity,

but they've been instructed to halt this behavior

so please, neighbors, do let me know

if you see my children corn holing in the field.

Who is that snack?

That's Katy's.

- All yours. - Atta babe.

Coach.

What's that?

Yeah, my therapist suggested

I spend more time outside the house

in the company of others

instead of inside by myself

thinking about my dead wife Barb.

My therapist is worried I've become obsessed.

Sure wish this stool had some lumbarb support.

- Sup. - Sup.

- I asked you first. - I recall.

I don't know who you are.

I happen to have that information.

- Got a smoke? - I do.

Smoking's gross.

This chat is really kind of all over the place.

You waiting on somebody?

Katy.

Gailer.

- Sup. - Sup.

Wanna get hammered?

So, what do you think? We head over there for half hour?

You know, we got our own chorin' to do.

You better settle down or I'm gonna come talk to ya.

You were half rude to Noah.

- I wasn't half rude. - Were too half rude.

If you were a 2010 Rhianna smash hit, you'd be Rude Boy.

I wasn't half rude.

If you were one of Santa's reindeers, you'd be Rudolph.

I wasn't half rude!

If you were on an '80s sitcom, you'd be Rudy Huxtable.

Call it an eighth rude. Not half.

- Who wrote techno hit Sandstorm? - Darude?

- He was expose'ta answer that. - Oh, sorry.

Quarter rude, but I'm maxxed out there.

If you were a former Mayor of New York, you'd be...

Rudy Giuliani?

No. Bill de Blasio.

Who was known for being extremely rude.

Fine. I was A&W Rude-beer.

But I've heard some talk about Nappers,

and it might have something to do with what Noah wants

is all I'm saying.

What were you told?

- You won't like it. - Fuck's sake, Dary,

you baited the hook and we bit. Reel us in.

What were you told?

I was told that Nappers are trying to mix up

- their blood lines a wee bit. - Why?

Generations and generations of inbreeding.

So, sometimes the dads'll go calling on dudes

outside their families to, like

come fuck their daughters.

How'd you stay out of special ed

running with an old wives' tale like that?

- It's not an old wives' tale. - Yes, it is.

You are straight up life skills.

It happened to Dickskin.

- No, it never. - Did too.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.

I'm calling Dickskin.

If I find you're lying,

you'll find me in a real bad mood, okay?

Jimmy Dickins. How're ya now?

Good'n you?

Not s'bad. Listen, I got a weird question for you,

so I'm just gonna come right out and ask it.

Your terms are acceptable.

Goodness, I don't even think I can.

Jim, did some Napper come up and ask you to fuck his daughter?

You shouldn't air your dirty laundry.

Sorry, good buddy.

That's okay, good buddy.

But no such thing happened to me.

- Sorry, good buddy. - That's okay, good buddy.

Though there has been talk

of such things in auctioneer circles.

What were you told?

I was told livestock aren't the only thing

schmellies go scoutin' at farmer's markets.

- And then? - There's an auctioneer

out Brussels way about my size...

- Is he really? - Said he was told

by an auctioneer out Hanover way,

also about my size.

- Fuckin' Dutchmen. - That his cousint,

a significantly shorter auctioneer...

Swissman, likeleh.

Was approached by a schmelly at a farmer's market

offering him $500 to lay with his daughter.

In the biblical sense.

Five hundred's better than a kick in the pants.

I'm surprised he got 500 dollars from a Napper.

I was kinda thinking two bills, maybe 250 tops.

I'm told a hole is cut into a sheet.

The schmelly daughter on one side,

the stud on the other.

The stud threads his penis through the hole

and penetrates the awaiting schmelly.

Fuckin' how 'bout it.

Why the sheet?

I'm told schmellies remove physical and visual contact,

aside from penile-vaginal, of course,

to keep the sex limited to pro-creation purposes,

and deter it from becoming more English, as they call it.

I suppose that makes sense.

Hence the expression,

"put a little English on 'er."

Well, that's some fun trivia.

Jim, did your auctioneer buddy's auctioneer buddy's

- auctioneer cousint... - Did he get in there?

Well, Dary,

you're no auctioneer if you hear 500 dollars and don't see 525.

Do I have 525, 525 now 30,

535 now 40.

- Thanks, Jim. - Sold.

Ellen.

Little dab'll do ya.

Let's assume it's true.

Dickins' auctioneer buddy's auctioneer buddy's

auctioneer cousint was approached by a Napper

at a farmer's market asking him to procreate

with his daughter for $500.

Better than a kick in the pants.

You're lucky you get 500 dollars from a Napper.

Yeah, see, I was thinking two bills, 250 tops. But, Dary...

What

makes you think

- all Nappers do this? - Objection!

Dan.

Dary is just trying to establish a history and pattern

of this behavior.

He did not say all of them do it.

He's just saying it's possible that this one does.

- And is. - I'll rephrase.

Dary...

What...

What makes you

think...

Noah was suggesting this today?

He said the job was men banging and pounding.

Let the record show Noah said many things today

that could be misleading.

I'll allow it.

Then he said there were some things only men can do

and he winked.

- To be fair... - To be fair!

- To be fair. - To be fair!

A wink can mean many things.

Dickins said they do it through a hole in a sheet!

Inadmissible!

Hearsay.

He just said he heard it, so, yeah.

Whose side are you on?

In closing...

Dary,

would you or would you not

agree with the statement,

"fuck, can they run."

- I guess so. - It's a yes or no question.

- Yes. - Fuck, can they run.

Every one of 'em can run.

Nothing further.

I'll be brief.

Now, Daryl,

everyone here knows you're a good guy.

Objection. Where are you going with this?

Just saying he's a good guy.

He's a pretty good guy.

You're a good guy.

In your opinion, what percent chance

do you think there is that Noah wants one, some or all us

to procreate with his daughter?

I think she's 50-50.

Now,

what if it was Noah's sister?

- Lovina Dyck? - Objection. Irrelevant.

May I approach?

I'll allow it.

I just always kinda thought that Dary was maybe

more Lovina's type than me

and given the opportunity in this setting,

I thought I'd just ask him

rather than stew on it any longer.

We're going to the Dyck farm.

You wanna look at a menu, chief?

No, thanks. I'm cutting back on barbohydrates.

Snacked on some rhubarb earlier.

Is there a barbage back there?

- Pretty kitty. - Another round, please. Thanks.

Couple Puppers, couple Gus'n Bru?

Still got it you old goat.

Great tits, eh?

- Yours? - I know they're great.

No confirmation required.

Then...

I'm like fuckin' Gretzky in here.

- I know where everybody is. - Gotcha.

And you're talking to a fellow window shopper.

It ain't a crime. I do it all the time.

- Bit of look, don't touch? - Cheap thrills.

- Never hurt anybody. - Bing bang boom.

You are very cool. Very cool, very nice.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do about it?

Gentlemen, I do thank you for joining us

for an afternoon hand job.

Lovina.

- Do we smoke out here? - Anita, how're ya now?

It's been quite a week, as I'm sure you've heard.

May I show you my sister-in-law's gash?

We heard.

I would have called, but

yous don't use phones.

Not our only ailment this week, unfortunately.

Just yesterday I cut my finger chopping wood.

I continued to work while occasionally licking it

as to not get blood on my dress but, long and short,

I spent the entire day licking my own axe wound.

Did the children not offer aid?

I'd sent them inside to get out of the sun

and I'm glad for it. Children do worry.

You're right. The last thing I want them seeing

is their mother out in the yard licking her own axe wound.

Lovina's made lemonade.

I implore you to hydrate once.

After all, you'll be hammering box all day.

Hammering box?

My feed boxes were destroyed in the windstorm Wednesday last.

With another on the way,

we need to rebuild and time is of the essence once.

My boxes?

One of those boxes

was constructed by me, Noah Dyck.

Forgive me mine wife.

And I want to know

which one of you is going to pound my box?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I screwed that box for hours yesterday.

My Dyck doesn't have the stamina he once did,

so we are grateful for your help once.

Oh, Anita Dyck,

did the boys finish those three loads of hay?

They finished one.

I did the other two.

For shame.

Imagine, my sons left two loads on their mother.

Oh, it doesn't end there.

Jedidiah took quite a tantrum this morning

when I tasked him with garden work.

I told him to gather up the garden tools

and go to the shed for a time out,

where, unfortunately, the tantrum continued.

He spent a half hour in there smashing hoes.

Please enjoy this afternoon's hand job.

There's even a prize at the end for the man

who uses his tool the best!

What kind of prize?

Hint.

What's moist and warm

and feels like heaven in earthly form?

Objection.

Daryl, would you help me push these closer to us?

Can do.

I always lay a cushion down to save my knees.

Would you like one?

I'm okay, thanks.

Really?

Don't like a little cushion for the pushin'?

Be careful with those hammers once.

I know you didn't come here for a finger bang.

There's Donald the donkey calling.

He's a very tall donkey. Tallest ass I've ever seen.

My son wasn't big enough to mount him till just this year.

That's right, it took him nine years to go up the ass.

Did yous know donkey is considered a delicacy

in some parts of the world?

I was served it at a church supper

in Latin America and I'll admit, I was hesitant.

But once I tried, I said to myself, who knew?

Turns out I love eating ass. I could eat ass all day.

Hey, Noah, workin' hard or hardly workin'?

I have been told I possess fitter skills for yammering

than hammering.

But while we're yammering...

Daniel, any genetic health issues in your family?

My second cousints allergic to pollen.

- Who? Garrett? - No. Jarrett.

Why?

We here in the Mennonite community

are often born with poor hearing and sight.

Generations and generations...

Do what you've always done

and you'll get what you've always got!

Daryl, how often do you partake of the devil's nectar?

Could always drink less I suppose.

Better than the devils dander.

Lesser of two evils there for sure.

The lesser of two evils is an evil, no less.

Secondary education is common in the English world.

I assume yous all attended once?

Wayne, tell me, do you belong to a gym

or do you just have good genes?

Don't need a belt if you've got good jeans, so.

- Good genes then. - Yeah.

Winner of the No-Belt Peace Prize.

- Too much fun. - Yeah.

Why do you ask Noah?

Casual conversation, I suppose.

A few men working away shooting the proverbial feces.

- Noah! - Mine wife!

A prize at the end?

"Heaven in earthly form"?

Holy sheet.

Hole-y sheet.

Wee bit out there,

but not sure it means he wants us, like

for his daughters.

What about all those questions?

He's trying to establish a genetic pecking order.

Good name for a band.

What is?

Genetic Pecking Order.

You fellas going to see GPO at MoDeans?

I think three-word band names always sound emo.

I'm gonna fake sick and make a break for it.

Daryl! Can you come help my wife with a couple of loads?

Now it's his wife too?

Why me?

Seems that like my husband, you've got more of a skill

for yammering than hammering!

- What fun! - Hammering... He can't... He's just terrible with the...

Gail?

I'll have the barbecue chicken.

Ever heard the expression,

"everyone's always fuckin' somebody else?"

- I have. - Words to live by.

- I agree. - You fuckin' somebody else?

I am.

- You are? - I was.

Okay.

You haven't asked me if I'm comin' or goin'.

- This is true. - So I'll ask you.

- Like, what we're doing? - I'm starting to give a shit.

Very cool. Very nice.

Do you give a shit?

I think I do.

If you give a shit, you'll have to be a master of one.

No more jack of all. That's the rule.

- Cool? - Cool.

- Very cool. - Very nice.

And no sweat either way.

If it's not me...

Tits is right over there.

Tits is everywhere.

Gotcha.

If you say you're in, you're in.

But if you say you're in and you're not...

You'll have every dude in Letterkenny

lined up around the block for ya.

You comin' or are you goin'?

Impossible to avoid the sexual innuendo on deck.

People love sexual innuendo.

I'm coming.

Here we go now.

Very smooth. Very smooth, very subtle.

Never had a Gus'n Bru? Best option in the bar.

In any barb really.

Or mini-barb.

Heck, it beats barbiturates.

Barb.

Is he going to be okay?

- No. - Okay.

We have to get this out on the line.

Nobody likes a wrinkly Dyck.

So I'm told.

Charity and Chastity in there?

What is your interest in my daughters once?

Nothing. I just...

Make... It's a conversation.

You know Daryl, we Snatches tend to be quite closed.

Snatch

is my maiden name.

Anita Snatch?

My father Seymour...

Seymour Snatch?

And my mother Aida.

Aida Snatch?

Believed that children should be seen and not heard.

I'm a bit more liberal myself.

I believe that children should experiment

with being grown-ups

under the watchful eye of their parents.

And, of course, the Lord.

That way we and He can step in and help.

Even participate if need be.

Show them how it's done.

They're preparing the prize for the winner.

Girls, almost time to stick it in!

Now, let's see if you can manage a big load.

Tightest box you've screwed today, Wayne?

Little dab'll do ya?

Tell her that.

Hey!

Would you gentlemen like a box lunch?

You could come inside or eat out.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I must say you pounded

an impressive amount of boxes today.

You must be tired.

- Dary? - But, Daryl,

Anita and I have decided

that your tool was the most polished on this day.

The prize is yours once!

Oh, bother.

This reward will feel very good.

Close your eyes.

Good buddies?

Girls, come on out.

Take your tops off and present.

Hole-y sheet.

Daryl, Are you ready for moist and warm

and heaven in earthly form?

Open your eyes!

Surprise!

Wait a moment.

Were you expecting something else?

- No. - Yes you were.

I know exactly what.

Do ya?

What kind of people do you think we are?

You thought...

I'm sorry. It's just...

My friend's auctioneer buddies

auctioneer buddies' auctioneer cousint said...

Hush, puppies!

You thought that we would try to pay you

for helping us today, didn't you?

You thought you'd close your eyes and feel a big fat wad

slide across your palm?

And you were worried about how to say no.

Because of the old adage,

"a favor for me, turns you into a dunce..."

"... when you bring up the subject of money once."

I feel silleh.

Daryl,

Does our daughters' warm sticky pie

not appeal to you?

It does.

Then let us enjoy this sweet pie with our mouths,

together, as a community.

Daniel, would you like to walk?

Little dab'll do ya.

Don't leave yet! I'm no good at good pies!

What's the plan, handsome man?

I'd better get on home to subarbia.

Maybe lift some barbells.

I've bombarbed you guys enough.

Lil dance before you skedaddle?

Sure! You may have to crow-barb me off this seat though.

I've overdone it on the hard-barb.

Oh, get movin' you ol' souse.