Original subtitles

You were leanin' right into one with your pals the other day.

Wayne, you hammered?

Me? No...

Sorry, what's that?

He's hammered. Fuck, I'm hammered.

Shouldn't have driven here. You didn't.

Holy fuck.

He's ins it to wins it. Fuckin' A.

In it to win it.

Look at this wild cat.

Bonnie, they have you making beer runs now?

Fuck no. Ain't trying be no beer runner.

She made the bet. She in it to win it.

She lost the bet. What for?

I said Tavares would have a slow start with the Leafs.

And I still say if the Leafs

think I'm paying a buck twenty for upper bowl seats,

they can sucks my babcock.

Sharp coat, bud.

Thanks, Wayne. Can I borrow it?

You've got plenty to keep you warm in that turtleneck.

Looks cozy. Wanna try it on?

I've gotta go to work.

Bye, Daryl.

Aren't you supposed to be driving to Quebec later?

Me? No.

Marie-Fred picked up a shift there, so... In Quebec.

So, let's drink eight beers.

Fuck, I'll have eight beers.

Speaking of driving to Quebec...

Look at this big cat.

Oof. Wayne!

I could set your breath on fire from all the way over here.

He's hammered. He's in it to win it.

I'd have a beer.

Aren't you supposed to be courting your Mennonite tonight?

Ooh, Lovina Dyck.

Lovina Dyck's parents are out of towns,

and you needs parental supervisions to courts a Mennonite gal.

So, what's a Mennonite's favorite kind of raisin?

What? Barn raisin'.

Well, it's a great day for eight.

Beers.

Looks like Wayne's already had eight beers.

Me? He's eight'n to exhale.

Better eight than never.

Why would anybody want to sit down and drink eight beers?

He's in it to win it.

Eight will get the rig rollin'. Fuckin' A.

Je ne comprends pas, Daniel.

Let's say your buddy comes over to have a beer.

Say you have a beer, maybe you have a couple beers.

But you're gonna stop at a couple of beers

'cause if you have six beers,

well, then you might as well just be honest

and admit you're gonna get fucking hammered.

Fuckin' six, seven beers.

Je ne comprends toujours pas.

If you say you're gonna have a couple beers,

you stop at a couple beers.

But if you're more likely to lean into it,

like we are today, well, then you get real...

You get real.

You get real and you say, "I'm gonna have eight beers."

Fuck, McMurray was talkin' about having eight beers.

McMurray's a piece of shit.

Why would anybody want to sit and just drink eight beers?

Just the bloat of it.

He's in it to win it.

Fuck, Dary, have a beer.

Do youse remember when I was talking about driving to Quebec?

Oh, I remember that.

It was right when I entered the conversation.

I only caught a ribbon of it,

but I'm dying for the rest to unfurl.

Well, I got news for youse.

Hope it's better than McMurray's news for youse.

Fuck, anything's better than McMurray's news for youse.

"And I..."

I'm driving to Quebec.

Good fishin' in Quebec.

Great fishin' in Quebec.

To get Anik back.

Fuck off, Dary.

Well, look at this bear cat.

What's happening? Okay.

You're mine now.

You here.

I believe the expression is, "Give your balls a tug."

She's angry. She's in it to win it.

Dary, if you drive to Quebec

to beg a woman who cheated on you to come back,

I will punch you in the stomach.

Yeah, get him right in the processor, Katy.

Well, there's no evidence

that she cheated on me, that I know of.

She was just going back to Jean-Claude.

Fuck, Katy got him right in the processor.

So, Dary, you think that she made that decision,

came to tell you, and then went back to him.

That's what I was hoping for.

Dary, where do you think she was

for those two weeks you couldn't reach her?

Taking racy Instagram photos. Yew!

There's proof of that.

Yew!

She was fucking him.

That's a bad word.

Oh, bother.

Well, to be fair.

To be fair. To be fair.

To be fair, if there was one woman that could make me switch teams,

she is it.

Well, but I... Wait.

Glen, switch teams to what?

Catholicism.

Good buddies?

She's rights. She's in it to win it.

Goddamn right I'm right.

Can't go back to someone who steps out on you

and gets any respects.

No? No.

Nots in a small town.

Wayne? Look, if you're nine out of ten in it to win it,

well, that ain't good enough.

Gotta be 10 outta 10.

Or you're not in it to win it.

What?

Good buddy?

If she cheats... Or he.

It's over.

No exceptions.

So youse aren't gonna come with me?

Good buddy, I'll go.

But I do not back this.

Well, then you're not a good enough buddy.

Good buddy?

Just calm down.

Dary, if you make me fucking run right now...

Katy! The show's about to start.

Ugh, fuck the show.

Wanna know what? Fuck the show is right.

Yeah, I'm getting a wee bit tired of this fucking show myself.

So, this is not a good time to tell you

that I need to start charging you rent

on the studio space?

We spent all winter helping people with their problems.

Look, if we haven't helped you,

you're fucking helpless.

Yeah, we puts in our times.

It's all right if we looks out for number ones for a wee bit.

Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

But I'm assuming there's already about three dozen people in the queue.

You wanna know what?

We're gonna sit here, drink eight beers,

and help them all till it's all fucking over with.

And then what?

Get that fucking red light going.

Okay, come on, little guy, we're gonna do this.

And, eh, we're on.

Welcome to the last ever Crack An Ag.

And bet you can't, so...

All right. Grab a knee.

I wanna thank youse guys.

Youse made a big sacrifice for me this week.

Four practices in six days.

I think we're ready. We're ready.

We're ready? We're ready.

These guys are gonna be really fuckin' good.

Pleasure is all ours, boys.

Yeah, we missed the boys, boys.

Got us thinking about getting the boys

back together permanently, boys.

You know how good these guys are gonna be, right?

Hey, what did I tell you about talking?

How good?

These guys are gonna be so fucking good.

Same still goes for you, too.

That good?

These guys are gonna be really fucking good.

Hey!

I said we're ready.

We're ready. We're ready.

We're ready.

We'd be better with Barts.

Yorkie. Scholtzy.

Fisky. Boomtown.

Well, they're not here,

and I told youse I don't wanna talk about those fuckers, all right?

Yeah, but... But why?

Get up. Get up.

Barts? Yorkie.

Scholtzy? Fisky?

Boomtown! Hey, you guys.

Don't you have to be Native to play for the Native team?

You have to be Native to play for the Native team.

Read the Indian Act, ladies.

Indian?

Not sure that's PC, buddy. I don't think it is, buddy.

Barts.

I'm eligible for Indian status

because one or both of my grandparents

has Indian status, you little bitch.

Yorkie?

I'm also eligible for Indian status

because one or more of my parents has Indian status.

Scholtzy.

I'm also eligible for Indian status

because an immediate family member,

i.e., uncle, aunt, or cousin

is registered or entitled to be registered,

pussy.

Fisky.

My eligibility is a bit more complicated, but equally valid.

At least one of my parents is or was registered

or entitled to be registered

under subsection 6 or subsection 6 of the Indian Act,

which I advise you to investigate

to further educate yourselves on the Canadian Indian Act.

Boomtown!

I'm the grandchild of an Indian woman

who lost her status through marriage.

Which makes me a Bill C-3 Applicant

of the Gender Equity in the Indian Registration Act.

My grandmother was a good woman.

My grandfather, a violent, unfaithful drunk.

I worked through my anger towards him

in therapy with a registered psychotherapist,

which conveniently was a 75% tax write off

under my social benefits program.

Big takeaway?

Be kind.

'Cause everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Give your fucking balls a tug.

Shoresy?

Tit fucker.

That's our secret weapon. Buckle up.

We'll see.

We'll see. We'll see.

We'll see. Oh, we'll see.

We'll see.

These guys are gonna be really fucking good.

You remember our little wager, Tanis?

Hmm, I think so.

Bit like my favorite hockey player...

BJ Crombeen. Oh.

A bit like my favorite mixed martial artist.

BJ Penn. Right.

Bit like my favorite cast member from hit NBC sitcom The Office.

BJ Novak.

I think you're cute. I would have done it anyways.

Really? But a bet's a bet.

Let's go then.

Right. Grab a knee.

Now, I know we can't win this game,

but I need to make it entertaining.

Show these guys what I can bring. Little help?

Oh, so you want us to donk, boys?

Yeah, I need a couple donkeys.

I could donk all day, boys.

Call me Rob Donkowski.

I'm a Donkey Tonk Man.

I'm a Donkey Tonk Woman.

Donkey's and conky's ferda.

All right. Let's do this.

Nice earrings, Gailer.

You wanna try 'em on?

Where's everybody?

I look like the fuckin' Oracle?

I don't know what she looks like.

Beer?

I'm driving.

Where to, caribou? Quebec.

What for, wild boar? Anik.

Yew!

Is Scottie Wallis here?

Nah. Just talkin' about Daryl's ex-sweetie.

Skank Azaria?

Sounds like he's after a little Shaw-Skank Redemption.

She stepped out on you, Daryl.

That's not certain.

Fucking likely.

If she cheats... Or he.

Or they, it's over.

No exceptions.

A lot of good girls out there who would never do that to you.

You need to open your eyes.

I just need to find some backup.

Gonna get my ass kicked, likely.

Bad timing, cowboy.

Everyone's out and about.

Bother.

Not everyone, I guess.

Roald. Stewart.

Shall I assume you're behind this?

I'd prefer them behind me.

Justify.

You know how some people have vision boards?

I know how some might-have-been wannabes have vision boards, yes.

Cool.

So I have a jerk board.

What's a jerk board?

Things I can look at for inspiration to jerk off.

You require inspiration? Sometimes I do.

We're in trouble.

We're all in trouble. We need help.

The hicks have a call-in show... Roald.

We kept shopping around that green G you guys brought to the city.

Kept your legacy alive. Danke.

But the city dealer got wise. Sniffed us out.

He wants to kill us.

Like he wanted to kill you.

We ain't scared. But we need your help.

What, pray tell, makes you think I can help?

Or want to, Stewart. Roald.

Because you're a vigilante.

And we heard you and your girl when we came to your door that day.

Sounded like some of that good fuckin'.

Mmm-hmm? Mmm-hmm.

Type of dudes who can pull that off are capable, competent...

Men.

Roald. Stewart.

How does our schedule look? Jammed.

What can we do to convince you to...

Move some things around?

Things are moving.

I would smash Susan Aglukark fuckin' yesterday.

Cool warm-up song. Susan Aglukark?

Juno Award winner for Breakthrough Artist of the Year '95.

Indigenous Album of the Year '95 and '04.

Get off her fuckin' dick.

What's this?

34, what's one plus one, you big dumb fuck?

Fuck, are you fuckin' ugly, bud.

Spell "puck," you dumb fucking asshole.

I'll stick you in the face.

You fucking sally, I'm gonna stick you right in the fucking bird.

Ash Corley on the line.

There's a wild cat. Bear cat.

Big cat, Corley!

How're you now? Good, youse?

Not so bad. Guess who's running for Miss 4-H Club?

You in it to win it?

I should say.

Isn't that, uh,

normally reserved for, uh, high school gals?

Yeah, but fuck, they let dudes around now, so...

Really?

So, anyones can be, uh, Miss 4-H Club, then?

If you've got two feet and a heartbeat, you're in.

Good, are you in it to win it?

So, did youse just calls in

to let us know that you're runnings for Miss 4-H Clubs?

I was actually calling to ask Wayne

if he's fucking serious with that turtleneck.

You lose a lot of heat in the neck.

Looks cozy, bud. Why? You wanna try it on?

It's a nice day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not too cold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shit. Get down.

Dickskin. Dickins.

You're up.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages.

We would first like to thank the Atikameksheng Anishnawbek band

for allowing us on their land

for tonight's match up between the Letterkenny Irish and the North Rez Eagles.

We fuckin' going? Give me one. Give me it.

Get your 50/50 tickets in the lobby...

You fucking chicken shit.

No fighting.

None.

Nice work. Celly fuckin' harder.

You're the pride of your community.

Are you even fucking trying?

You can try, eh.

You can try.

Barts, if you're Native, I'm fuckin' Wakanda.

You're a fuckin' joke, nine.

Hey, you're hammered then, eh?

Holy fuck, could light your fuckin' breath on fire.

Fight him, fight him.

Give him one. Give him one.

Give it to him. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Huh? What are you gonna fucking do?

See, that's the worst player on our team.

You got one fucking job. You're fucking awful.

Holy fuck.

Slash me again, you little fuck. I'll fuck you up.

That fuckin' ugly piece of shit running around, boys,

don't fuckin' worry about it.

Fuck you, Yorkie, you fuckin' nerd.

If you're Native, I'm Elizabeth Warren.

You fucking suck!

You're so fucking bad!

Boys, hey, boys. In you go. You're fuckin' terrible.

Holy fuck, boys!

Got those knee pads from your mom, bud?

Khloe Kardashian at Coachella

is more of a Native than you, Boomtown.

It's fuckin' embarrassing.

Hey, Scholtzy, when's your day with the cup?

You're taking it to a fuckin' powwow, or what?

If you're Native, I'm a Maori Tribesman.

I'll fuck you like I fucked a Maori tribesman!

Celly fucking harder, eh, boys.

You're a first place club beating a team

that's been together a week.

Hey, hey. Can I grab your address?

A little note in the mail

to remind you how fuckin' useless you are.

If you're Native, I'm Genghis Khan, you fucking poser.

Can I grab your email? Oh, I'll just get it from your mom.

Oh, you're tough?

I'm sorry, sorry I punched you in your ugly fuckin' face.

Come on, let's get 'em riled up.

Are you goin' him?

Are you going him or are you going me?

It's meal time. You ever thought about, like, maybe

skippin' a fucking meal or two?

Someone stole my breakfast sando, looks like it was you.

You can fuckin' crossover, you big, fat fuck.

Sometimes you get speed-bagged.

Sometimes you get dummied.

Happens in hockey. Part of the game.

It's fuckin' embarrassing.

Uh, so, yeah.

You all set, good buddies?

Thanks, good buddy.

Fuck, are you boys hammered, eh?

Oh, we're in one.

We're in it to win it. All right. Will talk to ya.

Yeah, talk to ya.

All right, Katy, who's next?

That's it. What's it?

That's the end of the queue.

Forever.

Oh.

Well, that was a...

That was the final Crack An Ag.

Buddies couldn't, so...

Nonnies can't, so...

You're hammered, bud.

Fuck, that's a Texas-sized 10-4.

Over and out.

All right, and...

Cut. Wrap.

Good.

Oh.

Bye, gorgeous.

See ya, bye.

Call you. Hey.

What's all the rumpus?

Oh, we drank eight beers.

Well, that's why I'm here, you said you was gonna drink eight beers.

Train's already left the station, McMurray.

Yeah, honestly, McMurray, that train's two provinces away by now.

Bye, bye, train.

Oh, where's Dary? He'll drink eight beers with me.

Dary's in Quebec.

Quebec?

Good fishing's in Quebec.

Great fishing in Quebec.

What, is there a fuckin' poutine festival or something?

No, he went to get back Anik back.

By himself?

Ya heard it here first.

And none of youse went with him?

You can't go back to somebody who cheated on you and get any respect.

Not in a small town.

Wayne.

Look, if she cheats...

Or he. It's over.

No exceptions. But...

Dary's your friend.

Oh, yeah, Dary's a good buddy, good buddy.

And youse let him walk into big trouble

in Little Arsheen by himself

in a room full of smoked-meat eatin',

bagel munchin' sons of bitches?

Well, he should know better.

Yeah, but when a friend asks for help,

youse help him.

I said, "When a friend asks for help..."

We're going to Quebec.

That was some of that good fuckin'.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

You're welcome. That is competence.

That is capability.

That is a man.

I can't help you with your dealer.

Currently.

I would need help.

But I've lived a lifetime of needing help.

I will ask for help no longer.

What are you gonna do, Stewart?

This. You're gonna...

Do that guy?

So, W's talk, baby.

I don't want that BJ.

You sure? I wanna take you on a proper date.

Okay. But that's not all I want.

Elaborate. The Eagles are good enough to win the league.

My cousins will love that.

But I wanna win the fuckin' country.

Big thinker, is that a theme with you?

I want Reilly and Jonesy.

They're not Native. And Shoresy.

He could be an amphibian for all I know.

I want you to run the in game show.

I don't wanna... I don't put out till the second date.

Come on, I want you to meet my cousins.

It looked good for that takedown.

I'd say that ship sailed, bud.

Hey, are the Irish back together?

They could be.

I'm working through my kinesiology degree in the city.

Are you?

With a focus on massage therapy.

Are you? Yeah, I need a team for my work placement.

So, I'll ask again.

Are the Irish back together?

Daryl.

Anik.

It's a nice day. Oh, yeah, yeah...

Is Jean-Claude here? No.

He's in the bush hunting for... sangliers, pour des côtelettes de sangliers.

Mmm. J'aime les côtelettes de sanglier.

Where's Jean-Carl?

TD. TD bank.

T.D. Toronto Dominion Bank.

Why are you here, Daryl?

Um...

I was hoping maybe we could go somewhere and talk privately?

I just... If we could go somewhere,

just me and you, and we could...

I said...

Let's let them be happy, my friend.

And what if I don't?

Try it.

Well, well, well.

You could cut the tension in here with a fuckin' beach ball.

Wayne.

Yeah, wanna try it on?

No, I wasn't.

What if he don't, mon frère?

I, uh...

Might have a beer.