Original subtitles

How come yous aren't Crackin' an Ag this week?

Oh, there's some nut sacks in there trying to remake Wayne's World.

Wayne's World or Noah's Arcade Wayne's World?

Well, the fuckin' former, I hope.

You guys seens the remakes of Hawaii Five-0's?

Hawaii Five-no.

I've seen it.

Hawaii Five-Oh, look what else is on. Click.

Yeah, it's about time they simmer down with all those remakes in LA.

Reboots, if we're splittin' hairs, in LA.

Yeah, whatever you wanna call it. Just leave it be, fuck.

Yeah, just leave it be, fuck.

Hawaii Five-Oof.

Yeah, maybe James Caan but Scott Caan't.

You know what surely should we make?

Who's The Boss? Now that was a show.

That's a show. Maybe the best show.

You guys know I do a pretty good Tony Danza, right?

Yes.

Ay-oh, ay-oh.

Well, to be fair...

To be fair... To be fair...

Everybody does a pretty good Tony Danza, Dary.

No, they don't. Angela!

Jonathan. Mona!

Yeah, it's kinda like Christopher Walken.

Like, even Christopher Walken does a pretty good Christopher Walken.

I've seen better.

I wanted to know what it would be like...

to be a crocodile.

Attaboy.

Here's my takes on the whole things.

If they're gonna be remakesing Who's The Boss?

or any shows for that matter,

you gotta shakes it up a little bit.

You know, it's not enough to just get some new actors

to play the same old parts.

Could summit Mount Whatsyerpoint any time now.

Here's my elevator pitch.

Now we've established everyone loves Who's The Boss?

We have. Everyone also else loves Doctor Whos.

Mm, it's true. They do.

So why not take two tried and true ideas

and make one new one.

Doctor Who's The Boss?

Now, see, I'd watch that.

That's a one-inch putt. Yeah, that's a two-fer.

That's a tap ins. That's a tap in for eagle.

That's an empty-netter. That's a mash-ups, if you wills.

A lay-up, if you will.

Doctor Who's The Boss?

Now that's a show.

Samantha, the universe, it's a vast and ridiculous place,

full of, uh, lots of unexplained things

that we call miracles.

Now go get Jonathan 'cause dinner's almost ready.

Ay-oh, ay-oh.

Oh. Yeah, so wait a seconds.

So you just take any two shows and you jam them together?

Not any two shows.

The second show has to begin with

the last word of the first show

in order for it to be a seamless portmanteaus.

Like Roseanne... Of Green Gables.

Modern Family... Feud.

See, I would've gone with Modern Family Matters.

Just 'cause I'm a big Urkel fan.

Maybe the biggest Urkel fan here.

Yeah, Stefan Urquelle's a pretty good guy, too. Great dancer.

Happy Days... Of our Lives.

Game Of Thrones? See I'd go Dating Game of Thrones.

The world's first medieval fantasy dating realitys game show.

That's your hooks.

Full House. Hunters International.

Blended families looking for new homes all over the worlds.

That's a walk with bases loaded.

Magnum PI... Dreams of Jeannies.

South Parks & Recreation.

Orphan is the New Black.

Speakers Corner Gas. Beverly Hillbillies 90210.

Perfect Stranger Things.

The Mindy Project Runway.

Larry King of Queens.

Larry King of the Hill.

Larry Brea-King Bads.

Sesame Street Legal. Ooh, puppets take on difficult court cases.

I'm telling you, that's like having a hammer in the eighth

with an empty house.

Wait, I think I got doozie here.

The Golden Gilmore Gossip Girls.

Oh-ay, ay-oh.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. In figure skating terms,

you just landed a Brownings. That's a trifecta.

That's like, uh, The Good Doctor Whose Line Is It Anyways?

Or perhaps if you're going to reboot Who's The Boss?

you gotta make Bruce Springsteen the Boss.

Oh, yeah, I would watch that for sure.

Born in the U-S-Ay-oh, whoa!

Ay-oh, ay-oh.

Remember when I was on Taxi?

Oh, I was also named Tony.

Ay-oh, ay-oh.

And I tried really hard with that talk show.

Welcome to this year's

sister versus brother fundraising challenge in supports of

Don Cherry's Pet Rescue Foundations.

Weren't yous gonna come up with a catchier name this year?

Yeah, we were, but the only word

that rhymes with sibling is "nibbling."

And that gets real weird real fast.

Fair.

We were tossing around the ideas

of calling it "Wayne, Lose or Draw,"

which, despite being fun to say,

turns out it actually doesn't explains what the hells we're doing here.

True story.

Now, Wayne, as you are awares,

Katy won last year's Doggie Dinner Theater challenge.

Gotta hand it to you, sister.

"Bone Alone" was choice.

Deftly-crafted and oddly poignant.

I can see why audiences raved.

And to you, Big Brother.

"Fiddler on the Ruff" was...

also choice.

High-concept and gamely delivered,

but maybe a smidge too hips for the room.

Katy also won the year before

with the Hick or Treat Halloween Challenge.

The judges ruled in her favor for her Katy Lang costume

over your Waynes, Trains and Automobiles.

Oh, yeah, you kicked my caboose.

In fact, Katy is undefeated in the five-year histories,

or should we say, "herstories" of this year's events.

What's the theme this year, boys?

Letterkenny versus Penny.

And the rules are quite simple.

Whoever can fill the most paint cans with pennies, wins.

Technically, the animals wins,

because every cent goes to them,

but, you know, one of yous gets bragging rights.

And the loser has to roll every single cent.

Ah, bugger. Oh, bother.

Shotgun start at noon.

Paint cans loaded by midnight.

And if all goes according to plan,

Dan and I will be loaded by mid-aft.

Dary and I are on the night shift,

much like The Commodores

we'll be counting every red cents until the sun rises.

Yous could be rollin 'em while you're countin' 'em.

Yeah, what are we even doing here?

What's a competition without stakes?

What's a couple of Pupper's without steaks? Mm-hm.

Ah, bugger. Oh, bother.

The official tally will be counted

and the winner determined by first light.

Questions?

All right, then. We're good, then.

Dary, that was redundant, Dary.

Okay, Kate. Kate, okay. Good luck.

I look forward to being the barkitecht of your demise.

And to you, Big Brother.

Who's a good boy?

May the best sibling win.

Didn't peg you for a first-in-line Saturday mati-nooner.

I'm not.

Wayne and I are competing in a fundraising challenge

for Don Cherry's Pet Rescue Foundation,

and I have to collect more pennies.

I need your help beating him.

Oh, I'd love to help you beat him off.

Unnecessary preposition at the end there, Gail.

'Kay. 'Kay.

Anyways, in for a penny.

In for a pound.

You're giving her quite a head start, good buddy.

You haven't even left the house yet.

Fuck, when are the Obvious Awards this year, Dary?

You're a shoe in. He's gonna do the reds carpets?

I hear Ryan Seacrest can't wait to talk to you. Who's you wearings?

I hear Ben Mulroney can't wait to talk to you.

They'll probably puts you up between Cardi Bs and Sacha Barons Cohens.

Will you look at Cardi B over there sporting a baby bump.

Fuck, she brave, eh?

What's your plan, Stan?

I dunno. What's the plan, Dan?

I believes this forecast calls for a brainstorms.

Well, Dary, what say you found yourself in this competition.

What goddamn would a Dary do?

I'd have a dogwash.

And folks could watch movies

when their pups are having a bath.

Then I'd call it "Hair Bud."

Hard no. Squirrelly D?

I supposes you could have an event called In The Dogshouse,

where wives pay good money for their husbands

to literally sleeps in doghouses.

I know a few gals who brings some pretty pennies for that one.

Fuck, have you priced lumber lately?

What we'd spend on materials to build the cock suckers

would put us six feet under.

Plus time is of the essence.

Only got till midnight, so...

Petting zoo for the kids?

Heavy petting zoo for the adults.

In.

What do we want people to do?

Gives you money. Bingo.

That's a good idea. People love bingo.

Don't fucking piss me off, Dary.

You looks like you've got a plans, good buddy.

I have a plan, good buddy. Wanna know what the plan is, good buddy?

Here's the plan, good buddy. I'll tell you what the plan is, good buddy.

Door-to-door, less is more.

I don't knows about that.

Door knockings could be all sorts of awkwards.

No, it's a great opportunity to catch up on your small town banters as well.

You ever notice that you never get a straight answer

out of anybody in a small town

when you ask 'em how they're doing?

I like that.

Door knocking can become hostile as well.

Like if it's supper time,

or folks are busy getting busy.

That's why there needs to be

a strategy in place, Dary. Go on.

Urgency.

I'm listening.

Dary, give me your wallet real quick.

See? See what?

Take it back.

Dary, give me your wallet.

But you just gave it back to me.

Dary, give me your wallet real quick.

See? I believes I do.

By adding "real quick"

to the interaction, it creates urgency.

So people are less prone to think.

They just do.

That is incredible. Wow.

I mean, the urgency was right there.

I just gotta get... Dary, shut the fuck up real quick.

Point proved.

Well...

Hick-tock, start the clock.

Penny for your thoughts, Jim?

I was just thinking I oughta change the runner on my skidsteer.

Sorry, no, I meant,

can you spare a penny or two?

I can spare one, two, three, looking at four dollars...

But it don't come free. What for?

I'm collecting for Don Cherry's Pet Rescue Foundation.

I give annually to Noah's Bark.

Get off your wallet, Dickskin. It's Dickins!

What's in your jeans, Dickskin?

It's a good thing this Dickskin's got thick skin, Gail.

What's the damage?

$2 high balls.

But for you, call it a buck 99.

Keep the change.

Your tip.

Tip's my favorite part.

That's insane.

I'd like to Aaron Taylor his Johnson.

What? I'd like to Dwayne The Rock his Johnson.

Well, at least you got a penny for his thoughts.

This'll get the rig rolling.

Listen up, y'all!

Buck 99 high balls till midnight.

Bonnie!

Grab your friends, buy a round!

That's one strategy, Katy-Kat.

That's a drop in the bucket, though.

Pun intended.

You okay with a little white lie, Miss Katy?

A little white lie never hurt anyone.

Here's the scoop.

Most people like to give

'cause it makes them, mm, feel good.

So we gotta be penny wise,

make it easy for 'em.

'Kay.

No one gives a shit about animal rescue.

You got the Tibadoo's and their kind

dragging sick cows around the yard

by a loader and chain, for fuck's sakes.

Fuck you, Tibadoo.

Believe it or not,

some folks aren't too warm to that fella Don Cherry either.

He's a national treasure.

So, you got to make up a new charity

that pulls, mm, on their heart strings,

and it'll open up...

their purse strings.

That's a tad bit scheisty, Gailer.

Who you doing this for? The animals.

They won't tell. That's true.

And, this just in, it's fucking pennies.

A little white lie never hurt anyone.

Hey, get off your wallets, you sousy fucks!

Yeah, you sousy fucks!

Fuck! Fuck!

Hey, you want a drink?

Hello.

I should say.

Good morning to you. And to you.

It's my chest, isn't it?

Sorry? My chest?

Just picked it up from a garage sale.

Real conversation piece.

Mm-hm.

Same with my jugs.

What's that? My grandpa makes moonshine, which those are perfect for.

Can you imagine my grandpa and his buddies sucking on these jugs?

No.

How are you now? Goods, and yous?

Are you two staring at my girls?

No. Oh, look at you, ceiling.

What's up? You is.

Look, I got some questions for you.

I got some answers.

You ever seen any of those Naked Gun movies?

No. No? Okay.

Hot Shots? Strike two.

Is that right? Okay.

Well, how do you feel about pet rescue?

How do you feel about these puppies?

Just rescued these tits a few weeks ago.

Give 'em a little kiss.

The tits? What else?

I better not.

See, I'm collecting so that more tits get homes.

What's the charity called?

You ever hear of the United Wayne?

Cute. Well, I'm just kidding around.

It's actually Don Cherry's Pet Rescue Foundation.

Good guy, that Don Cherry. Oh, he's a great guy.

My papa loves him. Same last name actually.

So, you would call him... Papa Cherry.

Yes.

Never seen Airplane!? Airplane 2?

Strike three. That's something.

All right, well, before I head back to the dugout,

can I grab your spare pennies real quick?

Yeah, I've got a couple big cans.

A couple big cans that I use for book ends,

but you can have 'em.

Okay. Here.

You know you'd have these tits in your hands sooner than later.

No, I didn't, but here they are.

Just wait here, and I'll bring out my big cans.

Incredible.

What, the whole "real quicks" thing?

Well, among other things.

In wrestling terms, that's what we call a pins in under a minutes.

Or in pro wrestling terms, what we'd call a squash match.

She's never seen Airplane!

And one. Come here.

Hello. Hi. And two.

Before you go, let me get my girls out for you.

Would have been rude of them not to say goodbye.

Have a great day.

You also have a great day.

That was like taking penny candys from a babys.

It was kinda...

kinda something, eh?

Dary, give me a beer real quick.

Thanks for supporting the YMCHay.

Word Vision puts books in the hands of people that need them most.

Thank you.

I'm collecting for Uniself, to send myself to University.

'Cause I need it.

Thank you.

Ladies, hey. Spare pennies?

Help send kids to Camp Whatchamacallit.

How's it going, pretty kitty?

Well, the dudes are giving steady,

but all the girls are giving me is stink eye.

Maybe you should arrange a little something for the ladies.

Gail force strikes again. Good thinking.

Boys, MoDean's.

'Cause I need backup.

Stat.

Well, well, well, look at what the cat dragged in.

That's better than what the cat coughed up.

Right before curiosity killed it.

You toesies must be frozies.

Just like my nosies. How are you now?

Well, I'm about two points above average.

Two is better than one, last time I checked.

It's a beautiful day out. Too nice.

Well, I'd complain, but who would listen?

My wife, Barb, would.

She was an amazing listener.

Tell you what, I'm collecting pennies for the United Wayne real quick.

Give me a sec.

Tell you what, I'll give you two.

Two's better than one.

Here you go.

I was collecting these for Noah's Bark,

but you can have 'em for, uh, what's it called?

Well, call it the United Wayne.

The United Wayne, of course.

Well, can't thank you enough, so I'm not gonna try.

Wouldn't even ask you to.

Well, I do take requests.

Huh. You could turn up the heat a couple notches for us.

Too much fun.

"United Wayne."

He's so full of shit his eyes are brown.

Your toesies must be frozies.

Just like our nosies.

Let's gosies. Can confirm.

What's that, Barb?

Oh, it's no one.

I'll draw you a bath.

Hey, Katy-Kat.

We came as fast as we could.

If I had a penny for every time I heard that.

Boys, I need you to go table to table,

collecting all the pennies from all the ladies.

What? Why?

What is this, W-fucking-5? Do as you're told.

Work those women.

Make up a charity that tugs on their heart strings

and loosens up their purse strings.

I don't know. That sounds a bit scheisty, boys.

Mennonite scheisty, bro.

This just in, it's fucking pennies.

And a little white lie never hurt anyone.

Uh, still, we...

Mm.

will go talk to girls, boys.

Pennies only.

I'm looking at dimes.

Yes, we can.

Is anyone interested in contributing

to the Dollar Bill and Melinda Gates foundation?

McMurray. Wayne

Wayne. McMurr... Let's...

Let's just slow this down okay? I'm gonna start.

And what, say nothing?

McMurray. Present.

Oh, there he is. Here I am.

How are you now? Oh, if I was any better, Wayne, they'd take me off OHIP.

That's a good way to be. Good being's the way.

Yeah? See, I knew you had it in you.

And I knew that you were.

I'm not gonna do this.

Say, you familiar with Don Cherry's Pet Rescue Foundation?

Oh, am I?

Man stands for our military.

Oh, he's an animal lover, too.

Wow. As Mrs. McMurray would say,

there's a special place in heaven for them cock suckin' animal lovers.

Cock suckin' servicemen, too.

Yep, say, let me grab your spare pennies real quick.

I happen to have me a whack-load of them little devils.

I started collecting them,

then they started collecting dust.

Give me a second, all right?

If it were any more right, it'll be all left.

If I was any more right, I would've left already.

Give me half a second. Okay, time's up.

Wayne, you old goon hound.

You're tricky.

That's likes a quarterback sneaks for a two-points conversion.

Yeah, in lawn bowling terms,

he parked one right next to the jack.

Got all these pennies and yet the wife still says I ain't got any sense.

Thank you, sir. Say, do me a favor, all right?

Literally anything. You take care.

On one condition.

Uh-oh, what's that? You do the same.

Your terms are acceptable.

Say, my sperms are, too.

Too much fun.

Hi. We're hoping you can help.

Yeah, we are collecting pennies

for a charity that is very close to our hearts.

Oh, yeah? What's it called?

It's called Doctors Without Board...

Doctors Without Boards.

Yes. Uh, did you know

that doctors are so busy saving lives

that they can't afford ice time?

Uh-huh, and Doctors Without Boards

aims to change that

because we believe that every doctor

should have the chance to play hockey, boys.

Take your tarps off, boys. I'll donate to that.

Tarps off, boys.

Take them off.

Gimme the hat. Hold my hat for a second. Thanks, bro.

Oh, yeah.

Good boys.

It's good.

Real quick.

Thanks so much for supporting the Rad Cross.

Real quick.

Well, I've been saving these up

in hopes that one day I'll have enough to go on a pilgrimage

to Bethlehem

so I could see the actual spot where the Virgin M gave birth to the Baby J.

I call this my Virgin Mother Load.

And now, I would like you to take this load

in front of God and all his angels.

Take my load, Wayne.

Wayne?

Take my load in the church.

Too much fun.

Well...

Well, she's filling up fasters than an old persons at a buffets.

Yeah, I don't want to underestimate Katy.

She's smarter than a smart car.

And they's pretty darn smarts. Yep.

Any folks in the city as well as internationally,

believe smart cars to be quite smart.

It's best keep our foots on the gas here.

Pennies for Don Cherry?

He's a barbarian.

He's been called worse,

by better.

Stewart. Roald.

I've been collecting pennies my whole life.

Really?

Jinx. You owe me a Coke.

Speaking of coke. I'd have a snooter.

Here.

That's the mother load of pennies.

Oh, I'd be happy to give you my load, Wayne.

You'd have to earn it, of course.

Uh, coax it out of me.

Tell you what, I need a few things done around my place.

That would be a fair trade.

For this load.

Like what?

My tub needs to be re-caulked.

One of the cabinet doors in my kitchen is making this noise,

like...

every time you open it.

The mosquito netting around my canopy bed

has a tear in it.

The handles on my vanity are jiggly.

Jiggly.

And my bone china... 'Kay.

Stewart. Roald.

I hadn't finished yet.

Yes, you did. I can smell it.

Thanks, Gail.

And good job, boys.

Now, tarps on.

Pennies and I need a lift home.

Solid haul, Big Brother. Yep.

Well, yours is nothing to scoff at, either. They're half-full.

Ever the optimist.

But, this is clearly your year.

Mm-hm. I'm really happy for you, Big Brother.

How are you now? Jinx. You owe me a coke.

I'll have a snooter.

What's your fucking name again? Roald.

What needs re-caulked?

What needs re-cocked? Caulk-ed.

Fuck. Caulked?

Say it again.

Caulked. Say it again.

Fuck's sake.

Let me show you to my bath tub.

How much does he have?

Don't know yet. Still counting.

Where did these come from? I don't know, Katy.

Impressive work, Miss Katys.

Wayne? Katy.

Do you know anything about these pennies?

Fuck a duck.

Looks like you hit the mother load.

Let's keep countings.

No, no. I think we're done here. She wins.

What? Are you counterfeiting?

I'll counter with forfeiting, yes.

Are you calling it, Waynes?

Well, look at the size of her pile.

It's way bigger. I mean, it just makes... cents.

Ooh-wee, yoo-wee-yooh.

Well, then, it's official.

Katy wins.

Big Brother, I don't know what you did,

but you definitely did something.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but I do know that you won fair and square, again.

You're a good boy.

And most importantly, more good boys and good girls

get homes as a result,

so if you'll excuse me, I should get going.

More hands make less work.

In for a penny. In for a pounds.