Original subtitles

Oh, here's something.

Looks like Professor Tricia was exposed to speak

at a women's conference in Santa Bar-bare-uhs tomorrows.

I'm pretty sure that's not how you pronounce

Santa Barbara, Daniel.

I think you're thinking of Hannah Barbera.

That's the studio that produced the animated series

Yogi Bear, The Flintsones and The Jetsons.

Josie and the Pussy Cats can get it.

Mm, I always wanted to be a Powerpuff girl.

Anywhos, looks like Professor Tricias

was exposed to speak at a women's conference

in Santas Bar-baras tomorrows

but she didn't gets on her flights.

She hammered? No.

Uh, turns out that they routinely oversells flights

anticipating cancellations.

So, if you don't check in 24 hours before your flights takes off,

you're at risks of losing your seats.

To who? Some other nut sack.

She is some upsets.

Keeps tweetings about it.

Ugh. Okay. Professor Tricia.

We get it. You're white.

What's all this then? There's nothing more white

to complain about than your airline experience.

Is too. What?

Uber. All right, everybody.

That's time. Let's put on a great show!

Three, two...

Yeah, well, welcome to Crack an Ag

and, bet you can't, so.

Dary, you better tuck that bottom lip in

before a bird comes by and poops on it.

You looks like your'e in a bad ways.

I am in a bad way.

Yeah, Dary, I was gonna say you look

like you're in a bad way over there,

but the whole point of this is to focus

on other people's problems

so we got time for our own.

So?

So it's a bit counterproductive

if we spend this time working on your problems.

So? So suck it up, buttercup!

Don't slow up production, Dary.

Well, I'm in a real bad way.

What's the frequencys, Kenneth?

I...

Never mind. Oh, get fuckin real.

You had it tee'd up so fuckin' nicely, buddy.

It's just...

No. Are ya comin' or are ya goin?

I had a road rage incident.

Did you beat the shits out of someones?

I didn't do anything. Airball.

I was handcuffed. Literallys?

Figuratively. Okay.

That is much better than literally.

Depends on who you're talkin' to, big shooter.

The fella thought I cut him off. Which I did not.

So he pulls up beside me,

rolls down his window, and he says to me...

And this is the part that handcuffed you?

Yeah, this is the part that handcuffed me.

He rolls down his window and he says...

'Kay, here goes.

Suck my Johnson.

Hmm. Suck my Johnsons?

Yeah, that's what he said. He said "Suck my Johnson."

And that...

handcuffed yous?

Gagged and bound.

Why?

All right. When was the last time any of you...

have ever heard somebody tell you

to suck my Johnson?

1998.

Or even use the word Johnson

in the place of, I don't know, horn. Or knob.

Or dick. Ding dong.

And the dandy waited for a comeback...

just started at me with his mouth wide open.

I balked. Sounds to me

more like you 'cause you're a chicken.

Well, Dary, sounds like you were too busy

hitting your head on the low hanging fruit to pluck it then, eh?

Huh?

You picks a bigger johnsons. Bingo.

What's a bigger johnson? No.

It's who's a bigger johnson.

Well, who's a bigger johnson?

So, he says...

suck my johnson.

You say...

suck my Magic Johnson.

That's a bigger johnsons. That's one upsmanship.

Bought and paid for.

John-son of a bitch.

Suck my Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Yeah, much bigger johnson.

Suck my Randy Johnson.

Oh, bonus points for that one, too,

'cause Randy Johnson's nickname was The Big Units.

Suck my Jack Johnson.

Which ones? I'm sorry.

There's more than one? Yeah.

There's the guitar players or the hockey players.

Both the ones! I mean,

I don't know. What are we talking about?

You know what, let's just forget about that one anyways,

'cause it's Dary.

Okay. Suck my Aaron Taylor Johnson.

From the movie Godzillas. Now, that's a big johnsons.

Suck my Howard Johnson.

Giant hotel chain. Massive johnsons.

Suck my Johnson & Johnson.

Billion dollar conglomerate. Ample johnsons.

Suck my Johnstonville Brats.

Best beer brat outside the ball park, bud.

That's a damn good johnsons.

So you've been to Newfoundland lately? Woo.

Suck my St. Johnson.

That one works for New Brunswicks too.

Yeah, you could be suckin' a couple of St. Johnson's.

Oh, oh, listen to this one.

Suck my Sean Lennon.

Why Sean Lennons?

Because he's John's son.

Boo!

Suck my Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Oh, LBJ was obsessed with his horn

and was rumored to have had a huge one.

LBJ?

Yeah, that's very inside baseball, Daniel.

I believes Randy Johnson's had the inside baseball.

Hayoo!

In any event,

follow up with one of those

and he'll be froze dick hard.

'Kay, we've got a caller.

And he goes by the name of...

Suck my johnson!

That's him. How dare you run

to your fruity TV show

telling tales outta school.

That's fuckin' gutless.

Well, you've got your tools packed

for this job site. Let him have it.

Suck my Jack Johnson!

Oh, which one?

Air ball.

Oh, Come on, white boy. Goddamn!

You better not nut before I nut.

Oh, goddamn. Hold onto that nut, boy.

Oh, yeah, stretch me out, big boy.

I'ma nut. Shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit!

Oh, that's it, white boy.

You gimme the goodest nut.

And now you gonna gimme that butt nut.

Oh, come on, white boy. Goddamn.

Gimme that balloon knot butt nut!

Gimme that big boy nut!

Oh, shit!

I'ma nut again!

You know what, boys,

I think this might be it. What?

Chicken butt. Chicken nut.

It's pitch fucking black

before Hockey Night in Canada even starts.

Winter comin'.

Omar comin.' Yeah.

I think it's time to put away the wife beaters

and get out the block heaters.

It's time to put away your swimsuits

and get out yer snow boots.

Time to put away the hoses

and prepare for the runny noses.

Less parks, more parkas.

Less lakes, more flakes.

You are white,

boy. Hmm?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

I've seen...

things.

Penny for your thoughts?

They don't make pennies anymore. Did you know that?

If you stick a penny up your ass

and it comes out green, it means you're sick.

Did you know that?

I know that if you're sticking a penny up your ass,

you're already sick, Dary.

Everybody knows that.

What did you see, Dan?

I'm not sure I'm comfortables

discussing thats in this...

settings.

Oh, come on, Dan, nut up.

Such a pansy.

Where did you see it?

A website. It's porn.

How did you know that it was porns? All I said was...

What are we talking here? Creampie? Hentai?

Guy on guy? I'm uncomfortables.

Come on, Dan. We're all friends here.

That's a stretch.

Don't say stretch.

Now, shall we agree to check the box

henceforth agreeing to the terms

and conditions of this discussion?

Yup.

Dan, begin.

Well... Fuckin' christ. Tick-tock.

There was a mans.

And...

And a womans. Race?

I think this is one of those things

you're supposed to take slow and steady.

I can't. No.

Do we just watch it?

Yeah.

Hey, boys. Hey...

Mia. Mia!

Sofia. Sofia!

Mia-Sofia.

Mia-So...

Horny?

Good one. Haven't heard it before.

Aw. Mia-so sorry.

Not sure that's PC, buddy.

How's the team looking this year, boys?

Well, the Irish folded last season, so...

We're not on a team.

So, you're not hockey players?

Well, technically...

Not at the moment. Why?

Girls love hockey players, boys.

Babe.

Oh, snipe.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Sup? You good?

Meh. Are you serious?

Meh. Are you cereal?

Meh. She's seri-dog.

She's Syria.

Why just meh?

My little brother's playing junior out west this year.

Are you Cersei Lannister? He left this morning.

Well, maybe he'll have a sick billet brother

to take him under his wing or something.

Maybe he'll have a sweet billet sister to take him...

down. Yeah.

I'm not worried. No?

He'll be fine. Yeah?

Girls love hockey players, boys.

Point and proof.

Do you miss it, buddy?

The game? I miss it, bro.

Do you miss it, buddy?

I miss it, bro.

Do you miss it, buddy? I miss it, bro.

Babes.

Oh my God, white boy. Goddamn!

You give me the epicest nut.

You been eatin' that pineapple, white boy. Goddamn.

I'ma taste the tuttiest-fruitiest nut.

I've seen that one.

Same. Stewart.

Me too.

Yeah, I've seen her in a bunch of things.

I've seen a bunch of things in her.

Wayne? I'm not obligated

to disclose that information.

Did you nut?

Hmm? White boy.

Gail!

He nutted.

Righteous. Stewart.

I feels exposed.

Kind of a curious word, nut, for...

Jizz? Penis Colada?

White gold? Go on skeet?

Nard Nectar.

Groin Gravy. Porn syrup.

I get a kick out of how she attaches

food to the... Nut?

Yeah, like that's what the dude giving her the nut just ate

and that's what his nut tastes like.

It's like, come on,

white boy, gimme some

of that brown butter pumpkin gnocchi nut.

Yeah, come on, gimme some

of that garlic soy baby bok choy nut.

Oh, yeah, gimme some of that chocolate peanut butter corn pop nut.

Oh, yeah. Gimme some of that cinnamon Dunkaroos nut.

Oh, yeah. Gimme some of that spicy unagi nigiri nut

with, like, epic deliciousness.

Goddamn, boy!

I ain't never had a nut so epic!

Gimme some of that intense dill pickle Dorito nut.

Gimme some of that gluten-free artisanal brie nut.

Oh, gimme some of that papadum pork vindaloo nut.

Mm, gimme some of that scallion spinach spanakopita nut.

Gimme some of that nut with the freshest ingredients.

Yeah. Safe to say

everyone gets a kick out of it, Dan.

I just feels compromised. Well, you shouldn't.

Yeah, Dan, everyone watches porn.

Yeah, Dan, everyone watches porn.

Right, Wayne? Not gonna bite.

Well, it's kinda like a birth right there, good buddy.

Whats you guys watch?

What do you miss about it most, buddy?

The game? The game.

Babes. What do you miss most about it?

Snipes. Tyson?

Rockets. Joint boy?

Broads.

Okay. Um.

What do you miss second most about it?

Goin' cheese. Goin' cheddar cheese.

Goin' top cheddar cheese. Goin' Chuck-E-cheese.

Yeah? You miss goin' Cheesecake Factory?

Love me some Monterey Jack.

Love goin' smoked Gouda.

Love me some fresh truffle Bay swiss.

Love goin' seven herb probiotic provolone.

Who doesn't love rippin' Babybel?

We should be rippin' some nice stinky Limburger.

We should be rippin' kosher artisan parmesan.

We should be rippin' peak ripe goat brie.

We should be rippin' acid cut Feta.

You should be rippin' melted down Kraft Singles.

We should be rippin' some pasty closed curd Cream Havarti.

We should be rippin' runny French raw milk queso.

We should be rippin' extra strong oxidized Alpine Asiago.

We should be rippin' barnyardy Gorgonzola.

You guys talkin' about what I think you're talkin' about?

Agreed. We should be rippin' briney bloomy

surface ripened silky rind

Butterfat blended Bocconcini.

Animal welfare approved.

Oh, Daddy!

Daddy, oh!

Daddy, oh, Daddy, oh!

This is fuckin' weird, Dary. You're fuckin' weird, Dary.

What? How is that any more weird than...

Oh, yeah, gimme some of that Denny's Grand Slam

with extra sausage link nut?

She keeps callsing him daddy.

No, she isn't. She's calling him dee-yaddy.

No, she isn't. She's calling him D-yaaddy!

That is fuckin' weird, Dary, 'cause you're fuckin' weird, Dary.

It's dad porn.

This porn is so dad it came home

on lunch break to play Golden Eye.

This porn is so dad it's in the driveway

checking my tire pressure.

This porn is so dad

it farted and then asked who sat on the duck.

This porn is so dad

Joe Walsh gets a pass

'cause he wrote Funk 49.

This porn is so dad

it's got a subscription to Golfer's Digest.

But I ask again,

how is it any more weird than...

ooh, yeah, gimme some

of that Chuck Hughes extra spicy jerk crab nut?

This porn is so dad it took in a matinees

while mom was out shopping,

but it's fuckin' weird, Dary. You're fuckin' weird, Dary.

Dan, it's not actually her dad, you little pervert.

It isn't?

No. It's just...

something girls say in pornos sometimes.

Similar to how dudes call girls mami.

Oh yeah, papi.

Are you my dee-yaddy?

They call me big dee-yad.

Oye Papi.

Come on, mami.

Wait! I got one.

Wanna see it?

What else do you miss, boys? Love rackin' geno's.

Love rackin' tucks.

But rackin' apples pads the stats.

Gotta pad the statski's.

The legend of Johnny Apple Seed.

Rackin' Fiona Apples?

Rackin Christina Applegate's.

Rackin' apple fritters.

Rackin' up a McIntosh.

Rack up a Golden Delicious. Rack up a Cortland.

Rackin' up a Granny Smith.

Sauce me a Gala.

I'll sauce you a Fuji.

I'll sauce you an Empire. I'll sauce ya a Jonagold.

Love the sauce, boys.

I'll sauce ya a Hollandaise.

Sauce me a salad dressing.

I'll sauce ya a mushroom gravy.

I'll sauce you a Neapolitan Ragu.

I'll sauce ya a Bearnaise bolognese.

I'll sauce ya a Chimichurri Sriracha Salsa.

Or a nice Tonkatsu sauce picante, boys. Gimme it right now.

Reilly, don't wanna single anyone out here,

but the flow is suffering.

Just toss that salad in the crisper, bro.

Gotta get that romaine flowin'.

I gotta get that Kale goin'.

Shake out the arugula.

Let's see that green leaf lettuce of old.

You know I like those leaves, buddy.

Must be fuckin' nice.

Boys, you know what I might miss the most though?

Taking the piss out of schmelts.

Love giving rookies the gears.

Like, that schmelt?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

What are we watching?

Some of that good fuckin'.

That was the fakest porn scream

I've ever heard.

What was fake about it?

You could put that scream next to Tarzan

in the jungle and you wouldn't know the difference.

Yeah, I would. It sounded

like she was being tortured.

Never had one like that?

I'm not obligated to disclose

that information. Thank you, Gailer.

No one has.

Never had a horn that big then.

Don't answer that. I mean,

Stewart's that big and I've... Roald!

Stewart. Okay. Let's get real here.

It's not that big.

Is it? It is.

Roald. Well, Stewart,

there was that one time where

he got an erection, it was so big,

and so long

that, uh, he actually passed out for several hours.

Sup, skid.

I'm gonna go cold rocks a hot piss.

And I heard Gae climax like that several times.

My Gae sex is none of anyone's business.

Your Gae sex? Fine.

Gae sex filled me up inside, okay?

Does it? Yes.

After Gae sex, there is no other sex. Are you happy?

But Gae sex was different

than all the other sex you'd had then?

Gae sex is the best of all sex.

And I miss it.

Would you go as far as to say Gae sex was

kind of your own personal awakening?

Gae sex made me feel something deep.

Deep inside of me.

There, I said it!

It's as though my whole life was meaningless

before I discovered Gae sex.

Are you satisfied? Stewart.

Gae sex made me feel pride.

Gae sex made me feel like He-Man.

Must you torture me with these reflections?

Ever since she left,

all I think about is Gae sex.

I dream about it. Life altering then, eh?

Earth shattering.

Earth shattering gay sex.

You know, Stewart, just because this gay got away

doesn't mean that there aren't

a lot of other Gae's out there.

Almost certainly. Find yourself a Gae.

Then you'll know what I mean.

Okay.

Stewart. Roald.

Are you done talking about sex

with your ex-girlfriend

who happens to be named Gae?

I don't even know anymore.

Because we've watched a lot of porn today.

But we haven't watched any gay porn,

so I was thinking... Uh, Roald,

we're all for you living your best life, but...

All for you tastin' the rainbow, bud, but...

All for you living your life largely,

but... In.

Wanna watch a movie? 'Kay.

You wanna play a game of Crib? 'Kay.

Stewart?

All of this Gae sex talk.

I'm defeated.

Rips?

Absolutely.

See you and your big fuckin' dick later.

What's up, schmelt?

Sup, phezzy? Boys.

Wait, you're on a team this year?

Yeah. Got picked up by a senior triple A team

in the city after the Irish folded.

You?

How the fuck are you on a team and we're not?

I dunno. Maybe wanna get on that though 'cause...

Girls love hockey players, boys.

Point and proof. Chins up. I'll buy you a beer.

Oh. Bonnie McMurray.

Feeling a little better about what turns you on

after hours, big fella?

I am, Gailer.

I've realized that what we watch in our mes time

is no one's business but our owns and...

nots to be agreed upon by everybodys.

No place for the state

in the bedrooms of the nation.

Trudeau? True dat.

To each his or her own, cowboy.

You wanna get that nut?

White boy.