Original subtitles

Yup, well, welcome to another Crack An Ag

and bet youse can't, so.

Are you gonna tell them about the beers?

Well, you might've noticed that we've got beers this time.

Well, I guess Katy got an e-mail

from one of yous saying that, well...

It wasn't an e-mail, it was a DM.

What's a DM? Dick move?

Dubai Municipalitys?

Don't you mean, like, DMT, like? Fuckin' Joe Rogan.

A DM is a direct message.

I've never heard that.

Who been slidin' in yo DM's?

Dudes.

I been slidin' in,

why ain't you hit me back?

I been slidin' in, why you ain't hit me back?

Well, I guess Katy got DMT'ed

by one of youse saying that...

well, yous like the show because it makes you feel

like you're just, like, the fourth person...

sitting around with us gabbin', so.

So I figured if we're just sittin' around gabbin,

we may as well have beers.

Okay.

Okay. Let's take a call.

What's that? We're gonna take a call.

'Kay.

Okay. We have Keith Graydahnus on the line.

Is he really? Yeah.

Well, can he hear us? Yeah.

Graydaniels. You hear us? Oh, yeah.

Right on. How are ya now?

Good'n you? Not s'bad.

Right on. Right on.

Right on! Right on!

Youse don't need to yell.

He can hear you just fine. Oh, right on.

Right on. Right on.

How can we help yous, Mr. Graydahnus?

Well, you can call him Graydaniels.

I don't know him as well as youse do.

Well, no, but pertnear all Graydahnus's are

called Graydaniels now. Are they really?

Yeah, you can get it from the horse's mouth if you want to.

Hey, Graydaniels.

Is it true you and all your cousins and everybody

that are called Graydaniels, too, or?

Uh, people started callin' me that,

and they started callin' my brothers that

and then, yeah, it spread to the cousins,

so. Yeah. There you go.

All right. So, how can we help youse, Graydaniels?

I've got a tit in the yard.

Just one? I prefer two in the bush.

You know there's a type of bird called a Bush Tit?

No. It's a type of chickadee.

Right on. Yeah.

Gee, you still down at the sawmill there, Greydaniels?

Yeah, mostly at the back baggers, yeah.

Bagging firewood?

Yeah, I'm back there baggin' mostly now.

So, who's the tit?

I don't wanna be tellin' tales outta school. Well...

Bad gas travels fast in a small town. Yeah.

I respects your stance, Graydaniels, but it's a small town.

If he's a tit, it's out there. It's out there.

Dalton Thibodeau.

Oh, fuck.

His old man's a fuckin' tit, too. Wayne!

He got a fucking impaired taking his kid

to soccer practice two summers ago.

Oh, Lordy. That's a degen's move. Figger it out.

I seen Dalton chain up a sick cow

and drag it across the lawn

'cause it was too sick to stand.

Did he really? Yeah.

Motherf... Cocks...

Fuckin... Fuck you, Tibadoo.

Yeah, figure it out. That's what I said.

I said, "Figure it out." He said, "Figure it out."

Or I'll figure it out for ya."

Wait a minute, but... isn't it pronounced...

Thibodeaus? No, no, no.

Only ever heard it pronounced Tibadoo. Yeah.

Yeah, it's Tibadoo.

What do you got him...

What do you got him tiba-doing?

It's not about what we've got him doin',

it's about him doin' it.

Fuckin' pitter patter, Graydaniels.

I've been on the line with you all fuckin'... all fuckin' day here.

So, we bag the firewood.

Drop it on a skid. Sixty bags per skid.

Then forks come in and take it over to a container.

I fuckin' hate skids.

What kinds of container? Like a train car.

One of those Ocean freightliners there?

Oh, like when a hippies make small houses happen.

The forks come in and take the skids with a couple bags

to the container, and Tibadoo

and a couple others hand bomb 'em in there.

Why are you double-handling? Huh?

You're gonna wanna watch your carbon footprints too.

Well, you hand bomb the bags on to the skid,

then forks come over, take the skid over to the container.

Just skip the fucking skid,

hand bomb the bags straight on to the container. What's the problem?

Gets too hot inside the container

to go in and out all day.

Well, sounds like your old man should have

kicked your ass another time or two.

Oh, this isn't from me. That's direct from bosshog.

Well, that's fuckin soft.

So anywho, Tibadoo's over there hand bombin' bags

with two others and the others are stacking three bags to his one.

Well, give him the size nines.

No, no, no. You can't do that stuff in the workplace anymore.

No. Yeah, you can. Just kick him in the ass,

get the fuck outta the way. Put a shoulder in him.

Ah, no. The kids'll complain about that stuff now.

Fuckin' anxiety and depression. Autism.

Yeah. Uncle Eddie used to say,

"'Kay. Here's anxiety. Okay?

"Here's depression. I don't think you've met 'em."

I said autism, too, but...

Listen. There is always...

always an alternative to violence.

On that, I would like to be crystals clears.

Except if you're workin' fuckin' labour.

Exactly. Yeah.

You could be making sandwiches,

or fuckin' scooping ice cream He could be doing anything.

You could be doing just about fucking anything.

You chose labor.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that was your choice.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

You can't be fuckin' choosing labor

and then slowing ups productions. No.

They call that bullying now.

Well... It's not bullying!

It's tough love. There's a fucking difference.

Don't open your mouth if you're gonna be

fucking stupid, Graydaniels.

Yeah, the older kids gave it to us when we were young, too.

That's why we didn't turn out tits like Tibadoo.

Yeah, but don't, like, give up on him either, right?

It's kind of the... the whole point of the thing, like...

You know, you keep your foot in it.

And if he wants to fuck dog,

make life hard for him.

So he'll either stop fuckin' dog or he'll quit.

Sounds like a win-win.

Well, that's exactly what it is, Greydaniels.

He'd likely end up some place he's happier,

and you're fuckin' happier 'cause you don't have

a tit slowin' up production.

Bing-bang-boom. Yeah, he's right.

You gotta put feelings aside when there's work to be done.

Yeah. That's good advice.

I'll get my foot in it. Right on.

Right on. Right on.

Right on. All right, I'll talk to ya.

We'll talk to ya.

Play that song again.

What? Why?

We must have a partition

between callers. A segue.

Katy, are we takin' another call?

Er. Stop slowing up production.

Roald,

do not make me put my foot in it.

Um...

We have Dalton Thibodeau on the line.

Is he, really? Well...

Tibadoo. I'm hearin' talk

Graydaniels is tellin'' tales outta school.

I'm hearin' talk you're a fuckin' tit, Tibadoo!

Hey!

He hung up. Fuckin' Good. Chores to do.

Oh, hold your horses.

Yeah, we got time for one more call.

From fuckin' who? We got

Ken Donkersgood on the line.

Oh, he's a good guy. He's a real good guy.

Oh, he's a great guy. Don.

How're ya now? Good'n you?

Not s'bad. Right on.

Right on. Right on, Donkersgood.

Right on. Hey, youse like soccer?

What the fuck you talkin' about?

I was just, like, there's been a lot of soccer on TV, and...

They should call it football.

Fuck off.

You fuck off.

Are we sure Donkersgood called in to the right show?

There's only one show.

Fuck off.

Oh, there's just been a lot of soccer on lately and you know,

and I was just thinkin', like, well, wondering, how youse like it.

Well...

there's not a lot of contact involved,

so I don't really have too much time for it.

Yeah, I kinda thought that too.

I figured youse would think that too.

I just seen you on TV

and thought I'd say hello. So guess we'll talk to ya.

Yup, talk to ya.

Well, look, it's... been another episode of Crack an Ag.

If, like, yous wanna call in

with agriculture-related questions next week,

see if you can Crack an Ag,

well, I bet you can't, so.

Um... so, I'll talk to yas.

Our work here is done.

There were a bakers dozen callers left stranded on the line.

Were there really? Yeah.

Maybe next time we should weeds out

the ones that don't wants to talks

about agricultural issues thens, Ms. Katys?

Get off my dick, Dan.

Don't you think it's kinda too bad

that people have to wait a whole week

in between episodes

to figure out their problems? I mean,

you know, some people have real problems

they need to get solved real quick.

Wanna know what?

Soccer's got a pretty good thing going

with that card system, eh?

The which? For the referee's?

Yeah.

Like, if someone's being a dink,

you give 'em a yellow card.

It's like a warning card.

and then if they keep being a tit,

you give 'em a red card which means that tit's out.

Mm. Oh, where?

Like, out of the game. Like, you don't gotta deal with 'em anymore.

Well, that's handy then. That's Handy Moore.

It'd be Handy Orton.

Could be Handy Roddick. It's Handy Patinkin.

How handy would that be if it was real life?

Well, no doubt that'd be handy.

It'd be Handy Newton. It'd be Handy Koufax.

It'd be Handy Alomar Jr.

It'd be Macho Man Handy Savage.

It's like, we can weed out the tits

it'll give us more time for real people.

What's the problem? Well, yeah.

And then we wouldn't have to deal with the tits.

Yeah, yeah. So if ya gets a yellow card

it means stops being a dinks.

And if you keeps being a dinks,

you gets a red card which means you're out, ya tit!

Bingo. Tits out 2018.

It's not 2018.

Fuck, is that a solid system, eh?

Like, if I give you a red card,

it means you can't call in, clog up the phone lines,

give us more time for other people.

What's the problems?

Yeah, it shouldn't take long for somebody

to start being obnoxious.

Well, if we're going to bes efficients...

Well, if you're gonna be one thing you should be efficient.

We should start with peoples we knows

ain't gonna takes too long.

I know where we should look.

Can we smoke in here?

Boys. Boys.

What have youse been up to?

Skipping leg day.

That's still a thing then, eh?

Cha. Unfortunatch. But we're sick of the sitch.

So it's time to dig deep. Bare down.

And that's still a thing too then, eh?

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

We're suffering, and others are suffering.

But we will no longer suffer in silence.

Which is why we've started a program

here at the gym to join

chronic leg day skippers

with other chronic leg day skippers

who will no longer...

suffer in silence. 'Kay.

Sick of weak stilts?

Join our program and we'll match you

with someone to help motivate you

to grind out your getaway sticks

so you'll...

No longer suffer in silence.

Well, I'm proud of you, boys.

You know, you hads a problems that was causing youse griefs.

Suffering. Unfortunatch.

And you took steps to not only cures your sufferings,

but you wents the extra mile

to help other peoples whats mights be sufferings, too.

Silence. Unfortunatch.

I'm glad to see you're doing all rights.

Yeah, this did not go the way I thought.

Yeah, that's not very efficient, Katy.

Yeah, if you can be one thing you should be efficient, Katy.

Well, let us give you the full pitch then.

Oh, there's hope yet, boys.

I'm Reilly. And I'm Jonesy.

President and CEO...

CTO, CFO and COO of...

Leg Day Bae!

What's that? You like soccer?

Should call it football. Fuck off.

New program in effect, boys.

If you're being a dink, you gett a yellow card.

Which is essentially a warning.

And then if you keep being a dink,

you get a red card which means

we're no longer obligated

to give you the time of day.

'Cause youse a tit. And you're out.

Tits out 2018. It's not 2018.

We haven't even shown you the full pitch yet.

Let us make up some ground, boys.

Pitter patter. Um, um...

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That it?

Wait.

Wait.

That's it.

Are you serious? What? Are you blind?

How can you not see it? What?

Well, our work here is done, boys.

Wait, there's more.

I'm Dax. And I'm Ron.

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No! You gotta see that!

It's bullshit! Have you seen our display? Come on!

Well, on to the next.

What have youse been up to?

There's been a lot of buzz chatter around town

regarding our Crack An Ag Theme drum and bass re-mix.

Re-work. Re-did.

Re-edit. Our Crack An Ag re-vision.

Our Crack An Ag re-capitulation.

Our Crack An Ag extended maxi- single version.

Our Crack An Ag Nite Version.

Oh, it's got the streets bubblin'.

'Kay. So, we said "Fuck it."

We're starting a band. Whos do youse sounds like?

No one!

If you sound like someone else, you fucking suck!

Hoobastank and Incubus mights be the exceptions there.

Would you believe I seen Hoobastank open

for 311 at Detroit State Theatre?

Are you serious? I don't give a shit.

Ever heard of MSTRKRFT?

We're like MSTRKRFT. Then sprinkle a bit of Gold Panda.

And sprinkle a bit of The Phantom's Revenge.

And sprinkle a bit of Rustie.

Rusty, like the top selling Canadian Punk band of all time

behind Sum41 Rustys?

No! Rustie, videogame influenced

Scottish laser hip-hop electronic producer,

R-U-S-T-I-E, Rustie.

Oh. 'Cause if it was the Canadian Rusty,

I'd be listenings for them.

Groovy Dead was a pretty good track.

Anyone else?

We're like...

the Chemical Brothers!

We're like, eh, the Prodigy!

And how's that going fer ya?

Goin' pretty good fer me.

We're Firestarters, Charly.

Got Diesel Power. Magic People. Voodoo People! Poison!

Breathe.

Well, it is nice to see you guys focused

on something, you know, besides your chemical romance.

Whose chemical romance? My chemical romance.

Welcome to the black parade.

I'm not okay.

So, what do you guys call yourselves?

Wait for it.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable.

What? The Hottest Sex Imaginable!

Where? That's the name of our band.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable?

The Hottest Sex Imaginable.

With our debut album, Fuck this, and Fuck you!

Yellow card?

Decent band, terrible name.

Are you adapting football rules to reality?

Fuck off. Football? What a hill to die on.

This is my house. It's your mom's house.

If you serve me a red card, you may not ask me to vacate.

We'll let ourselves out.

Think about it.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable, with special guest

The Chemical Brothers!

The Hottest Sex Imaginable

with special guest The Prodigy.

Hot fire hit of the summer,

The Hottest Sex Imaginable featuring

Daft Punk and Pharrell.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable featuring

Susan Serated.

Susan Serated? It's my side project.

That is magnificent.

The hottest sex imaginable with Susan Serated!

Featuring Diplo. Mad Decent.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Ow. Ow!

Ow. Ow! Ow. Ow!

Ow! Next stop, or...

Yeah. Ow!

Ow!

Ow. Ow!

Wayne. How're ya now?

Thank you for asking.

Not s'bad.

That. What?

What did you just say?

Not s'bad. Oh.

The way youse talk!

What about it? It is a gold mine.

I've traveled around the community centers

and youth groups over half a dozen counties

and the verdict is unanimous!

Youse talk funny!

'Kay.

With your saucy slogans and your quirky quips,

the kids just slurp it right up.

So,

that's a drum roll.

Wayne, your most famous expression has now been

immortalized forever on a t-shirt!

"Pitter patter, let's get goin'"?

Yeah. Air ball.

Like this? Air ball!

Daniel.

Yours too. Get ready for it.

Apparentlys?

Oh, swings and a miss.

You're welcome.

I did not forget about you, Mr. Daryl.

What about this?

Take your time, read the whole thing, it's long.

"When you love your job,

"it never seems like work."

Ooh. Strike three.

Oh, and Katy.

This one, you have to send over

to your ex-boyfriends Reilly and Jonesy

because it is...

"For the guys."

'Cause that's what they always say!

Rim. And. Out.

Aren't you snotty today, Katy. Badoomp!

"Someone serve this person a friggin' puppers."

And this one's for all youse because you're always...

"Doing my chores."

And... Wait, no, no.

You don't wanna say yes,

you wanna maybe give it a...

"Hefty no thank you."

Oh, this is too easy.

Boy howdy.

Still a few more boxes to checks off

if we're beings efficients.

Well, if you can be one thing, you should be efficient.

But that's what I was doing. I was being very efficient.

I only did six slogans and one hat.

I had so many other ideas.

Do you wanna hear 'em? Hefty no thank you.

Mrs. McMurray and I were down 'Minican

getting right freaky sticky

with some Puerto Ricans,

Costa Ricans and Tahitian Mozambican treatin's.

Oh, the humidity.

Yellow card?

Thank you, Wayne. Brings out the hint of lemon in my eyes.

Anyhow, Mrs. McMurray and I stumbled across

a truck load of this beautiful Arab fabric.

So, I brought it all up here

and we're gonna sell it by the foot. Callng it...

A-rabric.

We don't have any red. That's mauve,

fuschia, a nice hint of magenta.

Next.

Your shirts gettin' tighter, cowboy?

Not that I know of.

Where's that Marie-Fred?

And when are youse gonna take me down

and why isn't that happening tout-suite?

What's behind that curtain?

What, this thing?

Sure, it's MoDean's.

But MoDean's what? Tavern?

This ain't the fuckin' Simpson's, Daryl!

Then whats? You wanna do

good business in a small town

you need a lil' somethin'

for everyone.

So? So,

welcome to...

MoDean's Family Style Pub and Grill

Tap House Eatery

Resort and Golf Casino.

Oh, it's onside. Fucking ref!

Fuck you! Fuck this!

Well, that was productive, gents.

Yeah, we must have red carded

a dozen teets yesterdee.

Including mine.

Why am I happy about that?

Are any of thems waiting in the queues to talks to us, Miss Katys?

All of them, but... not anymore.

Oh, that's efficients. Fuck, that's efficient.

Ah, If you can be one thing, you should be efficient.

You ready to get this rig rollin'?

That's a Texas-size 10-4.

Wondrous!

And we are hot to trot in three, two...

Yeah, welcome to Crack an Ag, and, bet you can't, so.

Okay. We got Greydaniels on the line again.

Oh, Graydaniels. Put him through.

He can hear youse. Graydaniels.

How're ya now? Good'n you?

Not s'bad. Right on.

Right on. Right on.

Right on. Listen, I just wanted to call

'cause I was feelin' bad about tellin' tales outta school on Tibadoo.

Bad gas travels fast in a small town.

But if he's a tit, it's out there.

So they tell me.

So what happened? Did you take our advice?

I did. Yeah, I did.

I kept my foot in it, showed him a little tough love.

And? And he came around actually.

Picked up the slack and isn't slowin' down production anymore.

Good to hears, good to hears.

Yeah. I'm just callin' you from the break room here actually

and Tibadoo's here.

He wants to say something to yas,

so, I'll hand off the phone here.

So, yeah. Talk to yas.

Yup, talk to ya.

How're ya now? Tibadoo.

Not s'bad. 'Kay.

So hey, Greydaniels had the balls to say sorry

for tellin' tales outta school. So do yous too?

Fuck you, Tibadoo!

♪ I hit top speed

♪ I smoke the dragon

♪ Into the loft

♪ I drag my asshole

♪ I stick my head Under the pillow

♪ It's so groovy When I'm dead

♪ Pull the covers over head

♪ It's so groovy to be dead

♪ The phone, it rings

♪ And it's the landlord ♪