Original subtitles

nny...

That was well brought up. Too bad you weren't.

Those are cart farts.

Oh! There's one knocking.

Guess what? Chicken butt.

What is your guys' fascination with farts?

Fuck!

Sorries.

Fuck.

Glen came by the produce stand wanting some plants today.

Is that his way of asking for weed?

There's no way Glen smokes the sublime ragtime.

That's kinda hard to imagine,

a man of the cloth smoking a devil's dart.

I don't smoke weed anymore. Or any less.

But what did he want? Azaleas.

I got a friend Kayla sells Azaleas.

Westphalia Azaleas.

Could she mail ya an Azalea?

Well, I told him that Azaleas grow wild

down by the river on the Azalea banks.

You could always go down a side road

and get 'em on the honor system

at the end of the lane way to the Mennonapper's house.

That, and there's a Dutch napper Iggy, he's got 'em.

Oh, that's right. Iggy Azaleas.

Yup. He used to have a shop in St. Jacob's too.

Named it after his son Brandons.

That's right. Brandon Flowers.

What'd Glen want Azaleas for?

Says he got a part-time gig

managing the Letterkenny cable access TV studio,

wants to do some decorating.

Does anyone even use that?

I seem to remember a dude named Jono,

had himselfs a visions.

You're gonna wanna nuke that, big brother.

Late for fuckin' steak night.

Nukes a steaks? Berta beef, no less.

Gordon Ramsay'd fucking spit.

He's a good guy. He's a real good guy.

He's a great guy, but he's a hair guy.

What's a hair guy?

Well, a guy with hair, likely.

A guy who spends too much time on his hair.

Oh, yeah. Ramsay's a hair guy.

Look, Ramsay cooks a great steak,

great quail, stews and what have you.

It's like you wanna like him and everything,

but every time you look at him, all you can think about is

him Biebering into the mirror fuckin' with his hair

to make it stand up like that. He'd be like,

"This is fucking rotten!"

Pull your finger outta your ass.

"You say the food's great,

"people love it.

"I am shitting myself, you fucking twat!"

"No!

"I am not here to tell you not to put raw onions

"in the fucking French onion soup,

"you fucking useless bell end!"

Hmm? Choosing a hairstyle is complicated.

No, it isn't. It isn't?

You get it wet, then you let it dry.

So first, you comes in lates for suppers

and now we gotta listens to you

slagging a true culinary artisans?

I'm sorry I'm late for supper.

Yeah, why were you late?

Too much chorin' to do.

No more than any other year, last time I checked.

Mmm. Berta beef, no less.

It's 'cause every farmer with an acreage or an operation

inside two townships

is callin' me for advice on this or help with that, fuck.

Like who? McMurray calls me not once,

not twice,

but thrice a day.

McMurray's a piece of shit.

When a friend asks for help, you help him.

Just tell him you're busy.

When a friend asks for help, you help him.

Good buddies. Squirrelly Dan.

Glen came by earlier looking for Azaleas.

Well, tell him to go Iggy Azaleas.

Or Azalea banks.

Is Brandon Flowers still open?

He was looking for flowers to decorate

the Letterkenny cable access TV studios.

You're better to go Iggy Azaleas for interiors.

You should start yourself up an agricultural consulting show.

You know, people can call you up,

you devotes an hour a week to taking calls,

helping people out with their problems,

and then you got it licked,

and you have the rest of the week

to do your own chorin's.

Yeah. We could help you out, good buddy.

Well, how would you get the word out?

Well, you put it on your fucking Facebook.

Fuck Facebook.

You wanna know what?

Yeah, all right.

McMurray's a piece of shit.

I am as God made me.

Your shirt's too small, is all I'm saying.

Presentlys. So...

I heard youse are starting

your own agricultural consulting show

'cause apparently I call youse too much.

Did you say that?

I added some smirk emojis.

Well, I'll have youse know

that I, McMurray, am the most resilient farmer

inside of two townships

and I'm gonna prove it by starting my own call-in show.

Well, time's a bit tight here,

so maybe just do it after ours?

I was already gonna.

Ooh. Not exactly

The Dini Petty Show in here is it?

Yeah, Glen,

your studio's a bit of a holler.

Okay. It's one thing when I say it,

but I don't love it when you say it.

It beats the Franks D'Angelo shows.

Nothing beats Jonovision.

Is there a bar in here? Wayne!

You are lookin' cuter

than a little beaver pup today.

Beaver pups are called kits.

McMurray, why don't you go back to the green room

so I can let Wayne here get processed

through hair and make-up? Pass.

I'll just takes a little bits of rouge

to add some contours to my cheekbones.

And wardrobe. I'm already in it.

But your friend Dary showed up

in his barn clothes!

I am as God made me. Yes!

I, McMurray,

shall wait in the green room like a professional.

McMurray, also, I think you might need

a little bit of wardrobe processing, too,

'cause I'm not sure what happened

but your shirt shrunk.

And you know what, it's distracting me.

Pop it right off.

Oh!

Why don't youse hang around after your show

to watch my show to see how a real pro does a call-in show?

Why don't you say "show" again?

Hope you packed some showmanship, Wayne.

Atta boy. Now, Wayne, admittedly

I do not know a whole heck of a lot

about a call-in show,

but it strikes me that it is complicated.

No, it isn't. It isn't?

People call in with their questions

and then you answer them.

Ooh, stripped down.

Bare-bones. I like it.

Speaking of stripping and bones,

why don't you pop that shirt right off?

Katy, can you help us screen callers for nut sacks?

That's a Texas size 10-4.

Thank you.

Screening your callers, huh, Wayne?

Why don't youse hang around after your show

to see how a real professional respects his audience.

All right, McMurray. Less talk

and more popping that shirt off. Go away.

Can't work under these conditions.

Can't really screen nut sacks if they're already in studio.

Hickolodeon! Huh?

For the title.

We saw on Facebook that you're making

an agricultural call-in show and we thought...

Hickolodeon!

Get the fuck outta here.

Hello? Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.

They need music. Like a theme song!

Why do youse care?

We're in the platinum age of television.

I must subscribe.

Hello?

Yeah, I'll put you in the queue.

Phone lines are already fuego. Fi-ya filled.

We need something bold.

Something that sonically insists we're serious.

A new astral plane of euphoric bliss.

Scribble down into some catstep

with some unlicensed samples?

White labels?

Why don't we just dig out our Lilith Fair CDs

and calm the crowd with a set of vintage ecto-folk.

Giant step through fat pants

and rip into some Midwestern fidget juke?

Frick!

Why don't we just beat juggle

some laptopist new jack swing?

Wayne, the camera hates plaid.

'Kay. Also adds ten pounds.

Aren't you sassy, Miss Camera.

She's a bit of a cow.

Can we smoke in here? No.

Okay. I've got a shirtless Mr. McMurray

in the green room who has agreed,

very generously,

to let you wear his Mr. Clean-style white T-shirt.

Now, may I also recommend that you try on

this Mr. Clean-style gold hoop earring

together... Five minutes!

Oh, God. Oh, none of this is gonna work.

We don't have time for any of it. Okay.

I need to go take some stills of Mr. McMurray.

I say still, but it may move.

McMurray!

I'll add you to the queue.

Here comes a rumble of Tampa Bay booty trance.

NuSkool anthem acid breaks.

If you beat juggle two-step,

you get a four-step which blends perfectly

into sped-up Manc baggy B-sides.

Get'em ankled to a set of ex-pat Rio funk.

CanCon 40% rule,

let's go panoramic Labrador toughcore.

Oh, Miss Katy,

I am loving this look for you.

You're all like, "Hello, operator,

"I'd like to make

"a person-to-person phone call, please,

"trans-Atlantic to my sister in Chicago.

"We're so worried about her husband,

"we haven't heard from him since the Battle of the Bulge."

Thank you, Glen. You're welcome.

I'll add you to the queue.

Paradise Garage-era twelve-inch extended mixes

of spoken word historical speeches.

Jump-up liquid Rotterdam

and then rip into some hot horn

for a sweaty sax break.

Restaurantica?

Atmospherica? Modern lounge.

Fuck gastro-house.

I'll add you to the queue.

I get a rash from harsh metals on my skin,

so can I just hold this on the outside?

No! Hello?

Now, you'd never be that soft on air, eh?

Monterrey hip-house cassingles.

Hello? Step into straight edge

progressive tribal coldwave.

You just take the reins off the hops

and we'll jump in when you needs us, good buddies.

Got 'er, good buddy.

Adding you to the queue. Hello?

C-86 Nu NRG Goa Garage!

Ramadan symphonic soca screamo.

Katy? One minute.

Can I have my shirt back, please?

And my fuckin' pants too!

Preacher!

Hello?

Gospel-inspired power pop psy-funk.

Trombone-based zydeco hardstyle bangers.

Adding you to the queue.

African Italo K-pop. J-tek minimal gloomcore.

Katy? Glen,

you're very good at this job.

Oh, why thank you.

I actually have a degree in management.

What kind? Micro. Time!

Uh, ten seconds.

Quiet on set! Ring the bell!

No surf psych a capella?

No north coast fiddle funk?

All right. In three, two...

And go.

You all right?

Uh, Like... Likely means we can go.

All right. Right on.

Um, well, the show's called Crack An Ag,

and... "Ag" spelt A-G.

Yeah, like "Agriculture."

It's what we decided to call the show.

That's what we decided to call the call-in show, so.

So, youse can calls-in with your questions

and we will helps you if we cans.

But, uh, before we get started,

uh, I just wanna...

Thank my sister Katy here. She's in, uh...

This booth in the back there and,

uh, you know, she's gonna take your calls.

She's gonna help us take your calls,

so we can help youse, so.

Yeah, I'd just like to thank a few people as well...

No. No. No. ...before we start...

We're gonna do the rest of the thank yous

at the end of the show. Yeah, we'll probably thank

a bunch of people at the end of the show.

Or we would just be thanking people all show.

We'd never get through the door.

Um...

Take a call. Take a call.

Is that for me?

Take... Phone!

Let's take a call. What's that?

Uh, uh, we're going to take a call now. Stop.

Yeah, all right.

Turn off your fudging phones!

That's embarrassing.

We have Brett Nichol on the line.

Is he really? Yeah.

Well, can he hear us? I can hear yas.

Right on.

Bretzky! You don't need to yell.

He can hear you just fine.

Right on.

Right on.

Youse still there? Yup.

Right on.

Bretzky? How're ya now?

Oh, good. And you? Not so bad.

Right on.

Say, did I hear you're coaching this year, or?

That's the plan.

Where's Blaker playing?

Looking like Ripley. Oh.

Eh, Ripley's after him then, eh?

I hear they're loading up. Yup.

Uh, is Teddy heading back up north, or?

No, no. He'll be in Guelph. Brianna's there, so.

Well, Brianna's been there for a couple of years now.

That's right. That's cool.

What's Mac doing?

Mac's reffin' now. Is he really?

Yup. Right on.

Uh, we'll...

Uh, Bretzky, the show's called Crack an Ag, and...

I bet you can't, so.

Thanks. You bet.

Uh, hows can we helps yas? Don't touch.

Well, chainsaws aren't going through shit.

No touching.

How big? Guide bar?

No, your horn.

Yeah, guide bar's a 18-inch.

Just a little guy then. Yeah.

Well, how long ya had it?

Two seasons.

Where are you takesin' it to get sharpened?

I sharpen it myself. Oh, no.

What, you never take it in for that?

No. Oh, I mean...

I don't know.

I might take it in for a new chain altogether.

If you takes it in, you should bring your axe too,

'cause they'll sharpen that up for ten bucks.

Yeah, nine-ten bucks. Yeah, you know,

like, you know, nine plus tax, about ten bucks.

That's in addition to the sign that say nine bucks.

Oh, yeah. And then,

that's how they get you to come in.

Nine bucks is better than ten bucks.

Coming and going, you know?

You know? I don't like...

Change, so, just ten bucks. Mmm.

Thought I was maybe sharpening it wrong.

Could anybody tell him... No.

A career sawyer wouldn't even have that mastered, no.

No. No. No. Oh, no!

Well, they'd be the first one to tell you that, too.

You ever hear about, uh, sawyer's fatigue?

No.

Uh, that's a real thing, so, you know...

Stay alert.

Well, I don't know...

Sounds like you should take it in, Bretzky.

That's what I'll do. Right on.

Tell, uh... Tell Pete and Mary-Anne we said hi.

Will do. Okay.

Well, all right. Talk to ya.

Yup, talk to ya.

We have Matt Merkley on the phone.

Is he really? Yeah.

Merkley!

Tip of the dong, the teats, the tats.

Tip of the dong, the...

Patch'em in, preacher!

Okay.

Welcome, caller.

You've joined an Agri-Cult.

Hey, first time long time over here.

Well, that's just not possible, but okay.

Hey, McMurray, you still farmin' chickens, eh?

Oh. Chicken breed by day.

Chicken dance by night.

So, let me ask ya.

Ya ever fuck Mrs. McMurray in the chicken coop?

Huh?

'Cause I'll tell ya,

that's the first place I'd be fuckin' your wife.

Oh, my Lord.

I will slap the yellow off of your teeth

and your belly, you sumbitch!

Hang up, preacher. Next caller.

I love the show, McMurray.

It's really pulled me out of some dark places along the way.

What? Well,

you've joined an Agri-Cult.

Yeah, I got a question about husbandry.

You've come to the right place.

We've raised animals for meat, milk, eggs...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I meant you as a husband.

Why the fuck would Mrs. McMurray

marry a piece of shit like you?

She's an eleven out of ten,

but that decision downgrades her to an even dime.

Fuck you!

I will find out where you are, you sumbitch.

Hang up, preacher!

Next caller!

I'd like to remind the callers at home

that this is an agricultural show.

Please keep the questions ag-related.

Thank you.

Welcome, caller.

You've joined an Agri-cult.

Hey, hi, McMurray.

What's the best way to connect a three-point hitch?

When connecting your trailer to your tractor with a classic...

No, no. I was actually wondering

what you think the best way to get your wife

and balls-hot sister

into a hot, sweaty three-way would be.

I'm talking about some real hot fuck action!

Fuck! Oh, no!

That's right, I'll fuck 'em long dick style!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Hang up, preacher!

Okay.

Fuck you, fuck youse. Next...

Fucking caller!

Hey, McMurray. Just...

I was jerking off to your wife right now.

If you could help me cross the finish line,

how does your wife orgasm?

Is it like a high-pitched squeal

or is it more like a a low groan? And, thanks, buddy.

I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig

in a positraction El Camino!

Oh, no! Hands off Iggy's Azalea!

Fuck that shit.

Fuckin' I'm kinda looking forward to the next one.

That was a good time today.

Well, it was a real good time.

It was a great time. I should say, good buddies.

Now, are you sure you won't reconsider the theme song?

I've got rare, a big beat Christmas

crunk Record Store Day-only seven-inch from Discogs.

Do you mean Disco Gs?

I think we're sorted.

How about new age abstract gangsta big band?

NuSkool old wave downbeat rock-a-booty?

Shut the fuck up!

So, you enjoying your

engagement party there, good buddy?

Looks more like a stump burn to me, good buddy.

Well, we're all heres 'cause youse gots engaged.

Well, I'm here because we got a big fuck-off stump to burn.

More to that, buddy.

He's not your buddy.

Well, seeing as marriage is complicated...

No, it isn't. It isn't?

You decide you're going to spend

the rest of your life with someone,

and then you do it.

What I think he's trying to say is

you can only smash one woman for the rest of your life.

Hence the decision to make her his wifes.

For life.

It's a super important concern, bro.

Thanks, bro.

But my question was more along the lines of,

could we now try and smash babes that you've already smashed?

Because, I mean, we know the code, bro.

He's not your bro.

Oh, yeah. If you all wanna talk code, we know it, boys.

Yeah, and name one person

who knows the code better than us.

Yeah, go ahead, I'll wait.

Why don't you say "code" again, bud.

More like Pearl Jam's No Code.

Atta boy.

What's bro code?

The bro code is

you never smash a bro's girlfriend...

Or ex-girlfriend.

But that's only bro code-ish.

And I think that's it. Yeah, that's it.

Don't make any sense.

But seeing as you've now hung them up permanently...

I would philander with Tanis so fast.

You couldn't wheel Tanis, you pilon.

Buddy, you couldn't wheel a fuckin' tire down a hill.

You haven't seen his dick.

Neither have you.

You'll just have to take that up with Tanis.

So, what about the...

Angie who.

Sick, buddy. I'd love to smash her.

Sick, boys.

I'll see if she wants to smash right after this.

Yeah.

So, I guess that leaves, uh...

Rosie. Rosie O'Donnell was on Howard Stern the other day

and she's a damn good interview.

Well, everybody's good on Stern.

Couldn't help but catch a bit of the convo.

Just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you can't

smash a whole bunch of people.

I can confirm.

MARIE-FRED: Hell of an engagement party.

Merci.

Looks more like a stump burn to me.

Big brother, we're all here for your engagement.

Well, I'm here 'cause we got a...

Big fuck-off stump burn. Reviens-en.

Oh, yeah?

You like Puppers? Yeah, I like Puppers.

You like Gus'n Bru? I like Gus'n Bru.

Well, let's raise a glass

to Marie-Fred and Wayne settling down, as they say.

Droppin' anchor. Without a doubtin' it.

It's a life-o-suction, buddy.

Bending over backwards, boys.

Ignoring statistics.

Becoming one!

You must consummate the marriage!

Hear hear!

Oh! Oh, no! Am I late for the engagement party?

It's a stump burn.

You must consummate the marriage.

Yeah, we covered that.

Well, thanks for coming, everybody.

Let's get fuckin' hammered.

I, uh...

I brought a little bits of aviation fuel for the occasion.

Oh! We throw

some aviation fuel on the cocksucker?

Fuckin' I'm surprised we're not puttin'

aviation fuel on the cocksucker right now!

Let's get fucking reckless, boys.

Let's put gasoline on a fire!

♪ Well, don't you Know 'bout us?

♪ Our secret love?

♪ We both learned pain

♪ When we were young

♪ Once upon a time

♪ We were high and free

♪ Then this old war

♪ Come runnin' for me

♪ Then the draft man come

♪ I left and went on the run

♪ I know That you were too young

♪ To know why I went away

♪ Hey Willy, hey Willy

♪ You've got yourself a girl

♪ Hey Willy, hey Willy

♪ Been lonely in this world

♪ You know, you know ♪