Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:12,554
You're having a conversation
about your pal's second cousin.
2
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:13,680
The other day...
3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,723
Who, Jarret?
No, Garrets.
4
00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:16,682
He's a good guy.
5
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:18,059
He took me to the movies
in grade six,
6
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:19,185
and he wouldn't
hold my hand.
7
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,687
A young man's hands
can get sweaty
8
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,020
in that sort of situation.
9
00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:24,065
Then put your arm around me,
what's the problem?
10
00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:27,026
Anywho, Garrett's movings down
to Los Angeles
11
00:00:27,026 --> 00:00:28,194
to try to be an actors.
12
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,696
He's winning for
the weather alone.
13
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,697
Negative. It shouldn't
be warm all the time.
14
00:00:31,697 --> 00:00:33,615
Four seasons helps
keep a man regular.
15
00:00:33,615 --> 00:00:35,325
Like a bowl of brans
in the mornin'.
16
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:37,871
Huh.
17
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,581
Garrett's moving down to LA
18
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,707
to be an actor.
19
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:43,501
Isn't that something
you just kind of are?
20
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,169
It's not as if a librarian
21
00:00:45,169 --> 00:00:48,047
can just call themselves
a librarian without
collecting a paycheck.
22
00:00:48,047 --> 00:00:49,089
They got to work.
23
00:00:49,089 --> 00:00:50,759
That's correct, Ms. Katys.
24
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,551
So Garrett is moving down
to Los Angeles
25
00:00:52,551 --> 00:00:55,137
to try to earn a livings
as an actor.
26
00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:56,681
Can you do that?
Do whats?
27
00:00:57,473 --> 00:00:59,059
Well, earn a living
as an actor.
28
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,560
That's a thing?
Sure it is.
29
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,354
So, you can earn a living
as an actor, you say?
30
00:01:04,354 --> 00:01:06,565
Yeah. How do you think Brad Pitt
bought all those paintings
31
00:01:06,565 --> 00:01:08,401
and became so passionates
about architecture?
32
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,155
I would smash that dude
with a category five hurricane
off the coast.
33
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:15,241
Huh, Garrett's going
to LA to make a living
as an actor?
34
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,200
What a time to be alive.
35
00:01:18,494 --> 00:01:20,914
LA people should
shut the fuck up.
They eat tacos.
36
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,249
What's this?
What, you've never
met one before?
37
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,833
That's all they
fuckin' talk about.
38
00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:26,127
"Hey, you like tacos?
Let's get some tacos.
39
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,295
"You know who's got great tacos?
40
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,837
"Well, these guys have
the best tacos.
41
00:01:28,837 --> 00:01:30,089
"You like tacos, right?
42
00:01:30,089 --> 00:01:31,256
"Tacos, tacos, tacos.
43
00:01:31,256 --> 00:01:32,759
"Venice Beach tacos."
44
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,095
It's fuckin' fish steak
or carnitas
wrapped in tortitas.
45
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,095
How good can it fucking be?
46
00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,721
He's right.
There!
47
00:01:37,721 --> 00:01:39,765
LA people should
shut the fuck up
about hiking, too.
48
00:01:39,765 --> 00:01:40,974
What's this?
49
00:01:40,974 --> 00:01:42,101
What, you never met
one of them before?
50
00:01:42,101 --> 00:01:43,602
It's all they
fuckin' talk about.
51
00:01:43,602 --> 00:01:44,937
"Have you ever been on
this hike before?
52
00:01:44,937 --> 00:01:46,104
"This is the best hike
I've ever been on before.
53
00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:47,232
"Hiking, hiking, hiking.
54
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:48,899
"Runyon Canyon.
Hiking, hiking, hiking."
55
00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:50,360
Just an asshole's word
for "walkin'."
56
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,568
I wasn't born yesterday.
57
00:01:51,568 --> 00:01:53,278
It's all tacos and hikes,
hikes and tacos.
58
00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:55,155
Why don't you ever hike
while you have a taco,
you fuckin' asshole?
59
00:01:55,155 --> 00:01:58,117
But how are youse to know
that hikings and tacos
aren't better in LA?
60
00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,243
They are.
61
00:01:59,243 --> 00:02:00,285
Aren't they?
62
00:02:00,285 --> 00:02:02,247
Everything's better in "LA".
63
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,290
Says who?
People in LA.
64
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,415
Yeah, didn't you
never not notice
65
00:02:05,415 --> 00:02:07,334
that people from up here
go down to LA,
66
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:10,088
and then they come back
up here calling it, "LA"?
67
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,129
Is that what they do?
68
00:02:11,129 --> 00:02:12,381
LA.
69
00:02:12,381 --> 00:02:14,592
Thank you. LA.
70
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,927
And everything's better in "LA"?
71
00:02:16,927 --> 00:02:19,264
What, you never met
one of them before?
That's all they talk about.
72
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,808
What, you've
never even been to LA?
73
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,393
You have to come to LA,
you'll love LA.
74
00:02:24,393 --> 00:02:27,522
LA, LA. Toyota Hybrid
fucking cars. LA.
75
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,314
Oh, yeah, you think
you know tacos, eh?
76
00:02:29,314 --> 00:02:30,859
I'll tell you,
you're some kind of
fucking asshole
77
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:33,570
if you think you know tacos,
you never had a taco in "LA".
78
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,112
Think you know hiking?
79
00:02:35,112 --> 00:02:37,866
You've never seen a hike until
you've had a hike in "LA".
80
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,659
Ugh,
I hate the weather up here
81
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,535
it's so much warmer in LA.
82
00:02:41,535 --> 00:02:44,664
Oh, yeah,
didn't you not know
it gets just as cold in "LA"?
83
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,373
It's just different
kind of cold in "LA".
84
00:02:46,373 --> 00:02:47,499
It's a desert, you know?
85
00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,252
Pull your finger
out of your ass.
86
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,503
That's exactly what I says,
"Pull your finger
out of your ass."
87
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:53,755
Now, hold your horses here.
88
00:02:53,755 --> 00:02:56,634
Who's do youse knows
that's ever beens to LA?
89
00:03:00,262 --> 00:03:02,015
What's this about LA?
90
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,194
Whose crib is it anyways?
91
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,361
I dealt, my crib.
92
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,361
I loves cribbage.
93
00:03:16,361 --> 00:03:18,238
Run of three,
that's it for me.
94
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,951
Run of four,
I'm out the door.
95
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,201
Uh, fifteen-two,
96
00:03:23,201 --> 00:03:24,369
double on the eight for ten,
97
00:03:24,369 --> 00:03:26,206
and jack of suits
for elevens,
98
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,165
which is a pretty hard numbers
to rhymes with.
99
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,755
Ooh!
100
00:03:34,755 --> 00:03:37,090
What's we gettin'
all dressed up for,
Mr. Saturday Nights?
101
00:03:37,090 --> 00:03:38,384
Are you sure you're
not tryin' too hard,
102
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,094
with that button done up there?
103
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,889
Now, youse know
Tanis and I are givin' it
the ol' college try.
104
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,724
You know, I get
ending things with Rosie
105
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,391
because you have feelings
for another woman...
106
00:03:46,391 --> 00:03:48,060
She reads too much.
She up to somethin'.
107
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:50,313
...and I back that.
Thank you, Katy.
108
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,356
But...
109
00:03:52,314 --> 00:03:54,484
don't you think
Tanis is a little...
110
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,069
rough around the edges?
111
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,403
How do you mean?
112
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,905
Isn't her, uh, soil a bit rocky?
113
00:03:59,905 --> 00:04:02,407
Isn't her grain a little bit
rough for the lays?
114
00:04:02,407 --> 00:04:03,700
Well...
115
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,036
only one way to find out,
super chieftains.
116
00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:13,585
So many off-season
reps, buddy.
117
00:04:13,585 --> 00:04:15,255
So many preseason
reps, buddy.
118
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,380
Say no to the juice.
119
00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:17,339
Ain't fucking baseball, buddy.
120
00:04:17,464 --> 00:04:18,716
We dug deep.
Buried down.
121
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:19,967
Time to show the boys
some gains.
122
00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:22,053
Coach's gonna flip
when he sees these gains.
123
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,680
Gain Gretzky.
Gain "The Rock" Johnson.
124
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,265
Shania Gain.
Gains, Trains
and Automobiles.
125
00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:29,269
Let's show these boys that
legends walk amongst them.
126
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,353
Hashtag, legend-life.
127
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,361
You guys wanna go back out
and try that again?
128
00:04:39,361 --> 00:04:42,489
Maybe it's the lighting in here,
but I'm not seeing any gains.
129
00:04:42,489 --> 00:04:43,782
But...
130
00:04:43,782 --> 00:04:45,325
Doesn't matter.
Team folded.
131
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:47,036
Why?
132
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:48,830
There's not enough bodies.
Why?
133
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,748
'Cause it's Senior A
whales-shit hockey!
134
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:55,669
The way I see it,
you got three options.
135
00:04:55,669 --> 00:04:56,962
Option number A:
136
00:04:56,962 --> 00:04:58,464
You can go to the next town
and play for them.
137
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:01,301
Travel for
whale shit?
138
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,303
Gains for whale shit
was even a stretch.
139
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,971
You didn't get gains.
140
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,681
Traveling for whale shit,
that's a stretch too far.
141
00:05:07,681 --> 00:05:10,142
Option number B: Hang 'em up.
142
00:05:10,142 --> 00:05:12,103
Well, there's good rubber
left in these wheels,
though, boys.
143
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,354
Let's do power skating, bro.
Oh, good call, bro.
144
00:05:14,354 --> 00:05:15,981
And option number C:
145
00:05:15,981 --> 00:05:18,859
Join a championship team
right here in Letterkenny...
146
00:05:19,568 --> 00:05:20,570
Hmm.
147
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:21,988
...as coaches...
148
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,989
...with me.
149
00:05:23,989 --> 00:05:25,198
Oh.
150
00:05:25,198 --> 00:05:27,284
Team's already won
back-to-back ships.
151
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:30,996
We've actually never
won a ship, buddy.
152
00:05:30,996 --> 00:05:35,459
On track to win
back-to-back-to-back boats.
153
00:05:35,459 --> 00:05:37,544
Love to win
a boat, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
154
00:05:37,544 --> 00:05:38,628
Then come on,
155
00:05:38,628 --> 00:05:40,548
let's win a fuckin' sea liner.
156
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,508
Let's win
a Great Lakes freighter.
157
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:43,592
Let's win a cable ferry.
158
00:05:43,592 --> 00:05:45,010
Let's win a cabin cruiser.
159
00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,596
Let's win a Boston whaler.
160
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,138
Let's win
a recreational trawler.
161
00:05:48,138 --> 00:05:50,140
Let's win a paddle steamer!
162
00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:51,683
Let's win a pleasure barge.
163
00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:52,685
Let's win an outrigger.
164
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,020
Let's win a freshwater vessel!
165
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,731
Let's win a naval drifter.
166
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,106
Let's win a water Rambo!
167
00:05:58,106 --> 00:06:00,525
Let's win a landing craft!
168
00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,945
Let's win a saltwater lugger!
169
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,738
Let's win a sea tugger!
170
00:06:04,738 --> 00:06:08,700
Let's win
a luxury-fuckin'-yacht!
171
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:09,868
Let's go!
172
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:12,996
Yeah!
173
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:14,707
Wait!
174
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:17,084
You're gonna need
an ice-breaker.
175
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,301
Tanis, how are you now?
176
00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,555
What?
177
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:30,640
What...
What?
178
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,892
...the actual fuck was that?
179
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,435
What?
Well, you're standing,
180
00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:37,438
breathing, and smoking,
so the other thing,
181
00:06:38,522 --> 00:06:39,690
The spitting?
182
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,234
Some barefaced,
uncultivated version
of it, yes.
183
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:43,902
What, you never seen
someone spit before?
184
00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:47,407
Yes, an inexcusably obese man
in the batter's box
185
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,573
at a Blue Jays game.
186
00:06:48,573 --> 00:06:50,409
But you never seen
a girl spit before.
187
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:54,580
Yes, a six-year-old, after
consuming an insect
in her ice-cream cone.
188
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,164
But you don't think
girls should spit.
189
00:06:56,164 --> 00:06:57,582
I don't say what girls
should do.
190
00:06:57,582 --> 00:07:00,419
But you don't like it
when girls spit.
191
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:03,548
Preferably not within
my line of sight, earshot,
192
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,383
and in a perfect world, ever.
193
00:07:10,262 --> 00:07:12,181
You hungry?
Am I hungry?
194
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,058
Yeah, that's what I said.
195
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,935
I'm immediately concerned
that sensation may never
reestablish itself,
196
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:18,270
but what a ride it's been.
197
00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:19,688
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
198
00:07:19,688 --> 00:07:21,315
What is this, the 1950s?
199
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,568
You want me to go borrow
an ankle-length skirt
from my auntie?
200
00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:26,988
Come on.
I cooked for you.
201
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,322
Let's go.
202
00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,457
Come on.
203
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,041
He was supposed to be here
over an hour ago. Try him again.
204
00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:41,419
Stewart, I just tried him.
205
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,212
And?
Straight to voicemail.
206
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,796
Aggravating.
Stewart!
207
00:07:44,796 --> 00:07:47,133
Agitating.
Stewart!
208
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,301
Alarming.
Stewart.
209
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:50,428
Roald.
210
00:07:51,178 --> 00:07:52,430
I think...
211
00:07:52,888 --> 00:07:53,806
I may have a problem.
212
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,099
No. No!
213
00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:56,808
I'm in over my head!
We all want it.
214
00:07:56,808 --> 00:07:58,519
I have no control!
We all need it!
215
00:07:58,519 --> 00:07:59,770
Then where is it?
216
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:00,938
Right here.
217
00:08:02,522 --> 00:08:05,318
Get it out!
Give it to me.
218
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,236
I've got it!
It's all right here.
219
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,822
But you guys got meth, right?
220
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,407
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
221
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:12,950
The drugs are
all over there.
222
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:15,495
Just bring me that computer
and get us to the Dark Web.
223
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,663
First the meth,
then the Dark Web.
224
00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:20,833
Roald.
You want some, too?
225
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,209
I'm good.
226
00:08:23,585 --> 00:08:26,546
Bring me the Dark Web
over to my stand-up desk.
227
00:08:28,715 --> 00:08:30,218
Why do you have
a stand-up desk?
228
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,637
Because sitting is
quietly murdering you.
229
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,557
Actually, yes, Roald, I...
I will have some meth.
230
00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:43,480
And here we are.
231
00:08:43,772 --> 00:08:45,398
The Dark Web.
232
00:08:45,398 --> 00:08:47,151
Why do you guys crave
the Dark Web so much?
233
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,569
Because the Dark Web
is exclusive.
234
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,278
The Dark Web
is only accessible
235
00:08:50,403 --> 00:08:51,781
using special software,
236
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,200
users remain untraceable
237
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,700
and anonymous
on the Dark Web.
238
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,661
You can hire a hitman
on the Dark Web.
239
00:08:57,661 --> 00:08:59,455
Purchase illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.
240
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,456
Sell illegal contraband
on the Dark Web.
241
00:09:01,456 --> 00:09:03,251
Or you could join
a rebel army.
242
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,127
Or you could build a bomb
for your own rebel army
on the Dark Web.
243
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:09,632
The thrill of having
all of that at your fingertips
is so... metal!
244
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,133
What's on the menu today, chef?
245
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:14,094
I left a tab open
for you guys.
246
00:09:14,094 --> 00:09:15,555
Something I thought
you'd dig.
247
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:19,182
It's funny, the way
you last liked that, like
the Dark Web site was food.
248
00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:20,517
'Cause...
249
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,354
"How to cook human meat!"
250
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,273
Oh, fuck!
251
00:09:26,273 --> 00:09:27,525
These Hard Right mutts again.
252
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,609
I don't like these mutts.
253
00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,444
We could ignore
the call.
Oh, Stewart!
254
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,195
Let's ignore the call.
255
00:09:32,195 --> 00:09:33,656
But how are we gonna
find cool new things
to do on the Dark Web,
256
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,075
unless we make
cool new pals
on the Dark Web.
257
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,325
Fine,
258
00:09:37,325 --> 00:09:38,953
anything to keep
the Dark Web sustainable.
259
00:09:40,287 --> 00:09:41,413
But we should sit for this.
260
00:09:56,845 --> 00:09:57,805
What are you doing?
261
00:09:59,889 --> 00:10:01,599
What?
262
00:10:01,599 --> 00:10:03,560
Well, you're sitting, breathing,
and taking your boots off,
263
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:04,811
so, the other thing.
264
00:10:04,811 --> 00:10:07,690
To borrow a phrase from
my stance on social media,
265
00:10:08,315 --> 00:10:09,316
I don't follow.
266
00:10:09,316 --> 00:10:10,567
Crossing your legs.
267
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,777
Yeah, for a hot second,
to take my boots off.
268
00:10:12,777 --> 00:10:14,780
Boots or no boots,
don't you think it's
a little fruity loops
269
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:15,948
for a man to be
sitting like that?
270
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,992
On the contrary,
271
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:21,161
I'm sitting like this because
the less bending over
a man does, the better.
272
00:10:21,161 --> 00:10:22,287
Hmm.
273
00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:23,873
Sounds homophobic to me.
274
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,749
Sounds chiropractic to me.
275
00:10:25,749 --> 00:10:27,959
Hmm. Just checking.
276
00:10:27,959 --> 00:10:29,210
I swing both ways, you know?
277
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:30,671
So, if you ever wanted
to invite a girl over...
278
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:32,882
or a guy...
279
00:10:34,591 --> 00:10:36,969
Are we gonna have
a problem here, Tanis?
280
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:41,599
Let's just stop talking,
food's ready. Come, eat.
281
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:56,863
What's on the Dark Web menu
today, gentlemen?
282
00:10:56,863 --> 00:10:58,740
Funny you
put it like that 'cause...
283
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:01,493
We were about to enjoy
some Dark Web literature
284
00:11:01,493 --> 00:11:03,745
about how to cook
human meat until...
285
00:11:04,537 --> 00:11:05,915
our friend called.
286
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,752
Hmm. 13% of human beings
are cannibals, huh?
287
00:11:10,585 --> 00:11:12,003
13% sounds right.
288
00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:13,964
Wrong! That's what
they want you to think.
289
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:18,344
The truth, 100%
of human beings are cannibals.
290
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,719
The... The ones
on Earth, anyway.
291
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,806
How do you
know that?
292
00:11:22,806 --> 00:11:24,057
How do I know that?
293
00:11:24,057 --> 00:11:26,142
Ha! Well,
let's rewind the clock.
294
00:11:26,142 --> 00:11:28,019
1840, Ireland,
295
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,604
the potato famine forces
296
00:11:29,604 --> 00:11:32,565
thousands of those godless,
heathen bogtrotters
297
00:11:32,565 --> 00:11:34,484
to migrate to North America.
298
00:11:34,484 --> 00:11:37,363
No potatoes, you say!
299
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:41,117
Well, then what did
those paddy-mick prods eat
on the fuckin' boat over here?
300
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,869
Fast-forward, 1955,
Des Plaines, Illinois,
301
00:11:44,869 --> 00:11:47,873
McDonald's restaurants
opened their first location.
302
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,626
Not a single cow was
photographed that day,
303
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:53,253
and yet they're
serving burgers? Gotcha.
304
00:11:53,253 --> 00:11:55,171
Now McDonald's openly...
305
00:11:56,589 --> 00:12:00,677
Openly boasts
over 999 billion served.
306
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:05,724
Fast-forward, 2016, Donald Trump
is elected to office,
307
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:09,644
inherits the highest percentage
per capita of cannibals
308
00:12:09,644 --> 00:12:11,814
in the world.
309
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:14,734
The left-wing, fake news,
pinko media
310
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,192
wants you to think that he spent
311
00:12:16,192 --> 00:12:18,738
16 of his first 100 days
in office golfing.
312
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,906
Wrong. Wrong!
313
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:23,743
Donald J. Trump spent 16
of his first 100 days,
314
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,911
as President of
the United States,
315
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,245
Commander-in-Chief,
316
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:29,330
leader of the goddamned
free world,
317
00:12:29,456 --> 00:12:32,459
getting that per capita
percentage of cannibals
318
00:12:32,459 --> 00:12:35,378
down from 100 to... Everett?
319
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:37,631
Uh... 13%?
320
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,133
That's right. Do the math.
321
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:43,304
No, no, actually do...
Actually do the math.
322
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,805
Do the meth?
323
00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:46,056
We did the meth.
324
00:12:47,432 --> 00:12:51,436
Listen, uh, friend.
325
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:53,939
We've been listening to you
ramble for an hour.
326
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:57,359
We only joined the Dark Web
to see cool new things,
327
00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:58,902
and join cool
new movements.
328
00:12:58,902 --> 00:13:00,403
And make
cool new pals.
329
00:13:03,865 --> 00:13:05,533
Cool new pals, you say?
330
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:06,618
Yes.
No.
331
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:07,994
Stewart.
332
00:13:07,994 --> 00:13:10,623
I know how you can make
all the coolest new pals ever.
333
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,333
Spare us the hyperbole.
334
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,584
How?
335
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,168
Join the Hard Right!
336
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,964
I said that like that was
leading into another monologue,
337
00:13:19,964 --> 00:13:22,676
but it's really just...
Just joi... Join the Hard Right.
338
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,011
But...
339
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:26,012
Do you like our flag?
Oh, you probably...
340
00:13:27,138 --> 00:13:29,266
couldn't... Do you like it?
341
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:31,852
I... I designed it.
342
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,484
Mmm.
343
00:13:39,484 --> 00:13:42,820
Eat up. You're gonna need
fuel for later.
344
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:48,911
What...
What?
345
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,830
...the actual fuck
was that now?
346
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:53,040
What now?
347
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,834
Well, you're sitting, eating,
and breathing,
348
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,209
so, the other thing.
349
00:13:57,293 --> 00:13:58,671
Burping?
Yes.
350
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,006
Some primitive,
distressing version of it
351
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,715
That was nothing.
Terrific.
352
00:14:02,715 --> 00:14:04,676
You can burp, too.
Outstanding.
353
00:14:04,676 --> 00:14:06,594
You can fucking fart,
if you want.
354
00:14:06,719 --> 00:14:07,887
You know why?
Because it's normal.
355
00:14:07,887 --> 00:14:09,514
But is it fashionable?
356
00:14:09,514 --> 00:14:10,641
It's becoming...
357
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:11,849
It's unbecoming.
358
00:14:11,849 --> 00:14:14,228
Well, your boyfriend Daryl
359
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,729
burps and spits.
360
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,730
Dary also chases ducks,
361
00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:19,023
draws on the walls,
362
00:14:19,023 --> 00:14:21,026
and must be told
not to taste or touch
363
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,152
everything he sees.
364
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,487
That's true.
365
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,571
So, is it because I'm a lady?
366
00:14:24,571 --> 00:14:25,613
Who's a lady?
367
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,868
So, what, you're saying that
girls shouldn't burp, too?
368
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,994
I don't say
what girls should do.
369
00:14:30,994 --> 00:14:32,872
Well, men shouldn't
shackle women.
370
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,040
We made Prohibition happen,
watch your step.
371
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,541
Already walkin' on eggshells.
372
00:14:36,541 --> 00:14:37,667
Done your food?
373
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,628
That ship's clear
across the pond.
374
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:40,753
Same. Let's go make a fire
375
00:14:40,753 --> 00:14:42,006
'cause it's a beautiful
fucking day.
376
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,008
Is that what it is?
What?
377
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:45,593
Hmm?
378
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:48,554
Okay, pheasants.
379
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,556
We got bact-to-back-to-back
380
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,766
Coast Guard Zodiacs
at our fingertips.
381
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,225
But full disclosure,
382
00:14:54,225 --> 00:14:56,019
this team's got a bit of
an attitude problem, all right?
383
00:14:56,019 --> 00:14:58,479
Little battle of leadership
going on in here.
384
00:14:58,479 --> 00:15:01,065
All right? Sure, they got their
center console skiffs,
385
00:15:01,065 --> 00:15:04,027
but they went through a lot
of coaches in the process.
386
00:15:04,027 --> 00:15:04,945
Mundane details, boys.
387
00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:06,070
We want
a twin engine jet boat.
388
00:15:06,070 --> 00:15:07,406
We want that cruise ship.
389
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,408
That's the attitude, pylons.
Now get in there.
390
00:15:10,408 --> 00:15:11,535
All right.
391
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,041
What the...
392
00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:18,916
What are you two doing?
393
00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:20,920
Sorry, boys... Ladies.
394
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,253
We didn't know
you were ladies, boys.
395
00:15:22,253 --> 00:15:24,089
Um... Not ladyboys. We didn't
know you were ladies.
396
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,425
Do you think the door is open
to everyone here?
397
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,176
Just because Mary-Anne
looks like she's homeless,
398
00:15:28,176 --> 00:15:29,929
doesn't mean you can
treat it like a shelter.
399
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,680
Fuck you, Betty-Anne.
400
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,806
But she's right.
401
00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:34,349
Door isn't open
to everybody here.
402
00:15:34,349 --> 00:15:36,267
Just because our mitt looks
like the back of Christ's head,
403
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,935
doesn't mean you can treat
it like a church.
404
00:15:37,935 --> 00:15:39,479
Fuck you, Mary-Anne.
405
00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:42,232
Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's
ball glove from the dirty '30s
406
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:44,944
if 20 more dudes spat
chewing tobacco in it.
407
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,445
Your mitt's actually
a work of art, Betty-Anne.
408
00:15:47,445 --> 00:15:50,074
Like Salvador Dali's
melting clocks,
409
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,950
but instead of melting clocks,
it's melting salad bowls
410
00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:54,286
of off-pink ice-cream.
411
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:57,038
Hmm. I love ice-cream,
Mary-Anne.
412
00:15:57,038 --> 00:15:59,166
I love all frozen treats.
413
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:03,253
Your mitt looks like I squeezed
a cherry-red popsicle with
a handful of dryer lint.
414
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,381
Meet your new team, pheasants.
415
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,134
You serious with
that turtleneck?
416
00:16:10,134 --> 00:16:11,594
You could lose
a lot of heat in the neck,
417
00:16:11,594 --> 00:16:12,637
as I like to say.
418
00:16:12,637 --> 00:16:13,597
You mean, cold?
419
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:15,349
I wouldn't say
I'm hot, but...
420
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,767
Ugh. Most men I know
wouldn't complain about
something like that.
421
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:23,357
You see the elephant?
422
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,941
You mean next to
the bus crash?
423
00:16:24,941 --> 00:16:26,067
That's the one.
Yeah, I see it.
424
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,152
You wanna talk about it?
425
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,445
Let's talk about it.
426
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,114
A woman can be what she wants.
427
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,490
That is so nice of you
to allow that.
428
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:33,950
Not what I meant.
I'm kidding.
429
00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:36,203
A woman should be
what she wants.
430
00:16:36,911 --> 00:16:37,870
Better.
431
00:16:37,870 --> 00:16:40,290
There's no definition
of a woman.
432
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,084
It's the same as a man,
there's no definition...
433
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,335
No need to womansplain,
I'm aware.
434
00:16:44,335 --> 00:16:48,005
But a woman should be with
a man she finds... desirable.
435
00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:49,757
And vice versa.
436
00:16:49,882 --> 00:16:51,760
Like, long-term,
like in a relationship.
437
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:52,802
Can't confirm.
438
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:55,179
I don't think
you're it, cowboy.
439
00:16:55,179 --> 00:16:57,307
Oh, you think?
I know.
440
00:16:58,308 --> 00:16:59,935
Good enough.
Good stuff.
441
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,060
A short-term...
442
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,271
on the other hand...
443
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:04,857
How short?
444
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,316
A night.
A night?
445
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,068
An hour?
446
00:17:08,776 --> 00:17:10,195
Maybe more than an hour.
447
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,696
A night.
A night.
448
00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:14,241
Maybe even a morning.
449
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:15,492
'Cause we didn't do
all the things I wanted to do.
450
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:17,077
Well, we talked,
we ate...
It was good, right?
451
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:18,162
Thank you for supper.
My pleasure.
452
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,663
We talked, we ate,
453
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:20,872
we sat by the fire.
454
00:17:20,872 --> 00:17:22,166
So, then the other thing.
455
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,541
Good enough.
Good stuff.
456
00:17:36,387 --> 00:17:38,348
Just kiddin'!
457
00:17:46,647 --> 00:17:48,067
Fifteen-two,
the rest won't do.
458
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,069
Fifteen-four,
the rest don't score.
459
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,029
Runs of threes,
that's its for me's.
460
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,073
Youse been playin'
all fuckin' night?
461
00:17:56,073 --> 00:17:57,242
How'd it go, big brother?
462
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,243
Do you all know what,
463
00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,869
aside from the end there,
464
00:17:59,869 --> 00:18:01,205
so fuckin' poorly.
465
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,705
Called it.
How poorly?
466
00:18:02,705 --> 00:18:03,540
So poor.
467
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,082
He said, so fuckin' poor.
468
00:18:05,082 --> 00:18:06,376
Talkin' about ultra poor.
469
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:08,087
Called it.
What did I miss?
470
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,253
Taco night.
471
00:18:09,253 --> 00:18:11,089
But not just
any taco night.
472
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,800
LA taco night.
473
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,301
Oh, there's no taco night
like an "LA" taco night.
474
00:18:15,301 --> 00:18:17,262
Oh, yeah.
You've never had taco night
475
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,263
unless you've had
an "LA" taco night.
476
00:18:19,263 --> 00:18:21,390
Oh, yeah. Well,
if it's taco night in "LA",
477
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,185
then you must have had a hike.
Did youse have a hike?
478
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,645
Oh, yeah.
479
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,772
You can't have taco night
in "LA" without havin' a hike.
480
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,439
Oh, yeah.
We had an LA hike,
481
00:18:28,439 --> 00:18:30,984
but it was so cold,
it gets so cold in LA.
482
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:33,110
Oh, yeah.
It's a deserts, don't you know?
483
00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:35,571
Oh, yeah.
It gets just as cold in "LA".
484
00:18:35,571 --> 00:18:37,448
It's just a different kind
of cold in "LA".
485
00:18:37,448 --> 00:18:39,283
Pull your finger
out of your ass.
486
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:40,953
That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass,
487
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,620
you're from "LA".
488
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,124
Oh, yeah.
You've got to take La Cienega
to La Tijera
489
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,208
if you're going to LAX in "LA".
490
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:50,253
Oh, yeah.
I will have another
cold-pressed juice
491
00:18:50,253 --> 00:18:51,922
'cause we're in LA.
492
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:53,506
Oh, yeah.
I'm just poppin' down
to Trader Joe's
493
00:18:53,506 --> 00:18:55,551
to load up on kombuchas in "LA".
494
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:58,470
Oh, yeah. You can
stick your Hybrid Toyotas
straight up your ass,
495
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,388
it's all about Teslas
now in "LA".
496
00:19:00,513 --> 00:19:03,140
Oh, yeah.
It's like you could never
usually get a pizza
497
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:05,226
that was that good
in "LA" until now.
498
00:19:05,226 --> 00:19:07,436
Oh, yeah.
We're gonna have a winter brunch
499
00:19:07,436 --> 00:19:09,313
outside on Melrose.
500
00:19:09,313 --> 00:19:10,816
'Cause you can do that in LA.
501
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,609
Oh, yeah. I'm taking
improv classes at the UCBs,
502
00:19:13,609 --> 00:19:16,155
but only until the groundlings
figure it out in "LA".
503
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:20,032
Oh, yeah. You better
get joined in a burlesque troupe
if you're going to "LA."
504
00:19:20,032 --> 00:19:22,327
"LA".
"LA".
505
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,912
"LA"?
"LA".
506
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:26,665
"LA".
"LA".
507
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,916
"LA"...
508
00:19:28,916 --> 00:19:30,586
Pull your finger
out of your ass.
509
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,378
That's what I say,
I said pull your finger
out of your ass.
36812
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof