All language subtitles for Letterkenny.S02E05.Uncle.Eddies.Trust.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

You ran out of beers with
your pals the other day...

What do ya have,
some kind of drinking problem?

- What's the problem, Dan?
- That's alcohol's abuse.

- Well, to be fair...
- Oh, don't say "to be fair."

I hate when people say
"to be fair."

It sounds like,
"To be fai-uh."

To be fai-uh.

Well, to be fai-uh.

The bottom inch of
a beer bottle is 50% spit.

Well, don't be gross.

Bugs could have crawled down
there and died, too.

- You don't know.
- What'd I just say?

Well, it's the same reason
you don't eat

the bottom
of an ice cream cone.

Not sure how
I feels about this talk.

What, do you think they check
for bugs down there

in the cone factory?
Fuck, no.

They just throw the cones in
the box. Figure it out.

Can we move past this, please?

What, do ya think they
check for bugs down there

at the cone shop?
Fuck, no.

They just throw the ice cream
on there. Have a good one.

This conversation's fast
becoming a confrontation.

Like, here,
have some ice cream

and fucking bugs, likely.

What do you do
with the bottoms

of the ice cream cones?

Well, you throw it on
the fucking ground, Dan.

You let the bugs eat it.
It's the circle of life.

Didn't you never see
The Lion King?

You know I love
The Lion King.

We're out of beer.

- No.
- No.

Beer store's closed.

Fuck, do I miss MoDean's.

Reason fucking five million

we need some sort
of bar in this town.

Green, blue, and gold?

I don't like where
this is headed.

Yeah, it's the leftovers
from the Christmas potluck.

We haven't had that in years.

A half dozen at least.

Well, a half baker's,
but that's splitting hairs.

Creme de menthe, Blue Curacao,
Butter Ripple Schnapps.

Now, what the fuck
am I supposed to do with

creme de menthe?

Splash of milk, with three
scoops of chocolate ice cream,

you got yourself
a Frozen Girl Scout.

Do I look like
the type of prick

to have a
Frozen Girl Scout, Dary?

What am I
supposed to do with

Blue Curacao?

Mix apple juice, pear juice,
garnish with blackberries,

you got yourself a Blue Bijou.

I think I'd rather
have a Blue Bijou.

- There's not enough for two.
- Says you.

Well, what am I supposed
to do with

Butter Ripple Schnapps?

Well, that's easy, Katy-Kat.
Down the hatch.

I'd be tasting
that for days.

What's the meaning of this?

I found it in an old golf bag.

And why do you get it?

- It's warm.
- It's still a beer.

- Well, to be fair...
- To be fai-uh...

- To be fai-uh...
- To be fai-uh...

To be fai-uh...

He is essentially drinking
a bottle of piss right now.

Now, you're no mixologist
but your best bet here

is to mix 'em all together

into what you
call "donkey juice".

However, to be fai-uh,

donkey juice
will make you spit.

Well, can't win 'em all.

Uncle Eddie died.

- Did he?
- Dum-diddy-do.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

Mr. Letterkenny himself.

Longest-standing mayor in
the history of Letterkenny.

And you know
that snowbird enjoyed

the homestretch
in Fort Lauderdale.

Oh, yeah, just hanging out
down there playing crokinole

and shuffleboard
with his good pals.

- He was a good guy.
- He was a real good guy.

He left us a bunch of money.

- Did he?
- Dum-diddy-do.

- How much?
- Five K.

What a great fucking guy.

He was a real
great fucking guy.

Well, he'd want us
to have a party.

He wants us to put it back
into the community.

What a great fucking guy!

He says in his will that
he's fallen out of touch

with the community
and he trusts our judgment

to give five K some
legs around here.

Well, sure as
God's got sandals.

So, how do you
want to fuck this pig?

Well, you'd better put it
on your fucking Facebook.

Pitter-Patter.

Let's get at 'er.

Faster than shit
through a goose.

Lickety-split.

You've entered the barn,

where ideas come to blossom
or be ridiculed relentlessly.

On one side,
two no-nonsense farmers

are looking to give away
their uncle's money.

On the other,
savvy entrepreneurs

hoping to acquire it.

First up, three degens
from Letterkenny

are hoping to sell
the farmers on their solution

for a common
small-town problem.

Hi, Bonnie.

Hi, Katy.
Hi, Wayne.

- How are ya now?
- Good and you?

Not so bad.

Say, thanks for the, uh...

Well, the thing you did there.

No problem, Wayne.

Any time.

Good afternoon, hicks.
We are asking for...

Is it true that you have
a massive horn?

- Yes.
- No.

No?

I mean, there's no way that
they could possibly know that.

I saw Stewart's penis
at the Elmira pool

on my 11th birthday.

Looked like a 12-ounce cut

of pork tenderloin
hanging there.

Erroneous.

I saw Stewart's penis
when we touched tubes,

as normal, inquisitive,
young boys do,

and it looked six pool balls

were stuck inside a gym sock,
hanging there.

Unverified.

- Told ya.
- Fuck!

We are asking for five K

for 66.6% of our company.

Outstanding.

We want to give back
to the community

by helping people get sober.

Uncle Eddie got sober

as a birthday present
to himself on his 90th.

Which was curious, 'cause
he'd come that far, right?

- I should say.
- And we plan on doing this

by getting the biggest
disasters in Letterkenny,

and putting them in
a room with cameras.

From there,

we film
their friends and family

telling them they must halt
said disastery, posthaste!

Is disastery a word?

It's a band name.
Quantifiable.

Want to know what?
It feels like I might have

seen something like this
on a TV show one time.

We've arranged a demo
of how this might work.

We have?

"Stewart,

"you are such a disastery
that sometimes

"you don't even know if it's
a weekday or the weekend.

"It hurts me to see you being
such a disaster.

"I wish you could go
back to being

"only a mild disaster.

"Love, Devon."

This antic was
not discussed or rehearsed.

"Stewart,

"I worry that your
disastery is the result

"of when we touched
tubes as young boys.

"I think about touching tubes
with you and sometimes

"wish I could go back in time
and not touch tubes.

"Perhaps had we
not touched tubes,

"you wouldn't be
such a disaster.

"Love, Roald."

Drollery was to be left
on the cutting-room floor.

Anywho...

Your idea comes from
a good place, but

Uncle Eddie
always believed that

if a man needs help,
he'll ask. He won't be told.

And for that reason,

I'm out.

Sounds like touching tubes

was a pretty big setback
for Stewart,

but your pitch was
the real disaster.

I'm out.

So, do we win?

No.

No.

Up next in the barn,

these winners
of the genetic lottery

with no more than an ounce
of gray matter between them,

hope the farmers
get behind their plan

for young people
in Letterkenny.

So, are you just going to do
that every time, then, Bonnie?

Well, if you want
me to, Wayne.

Yes, please.

- You got it, Wayne.
- Thank you.

Good afternoon, Wayne,
and she-we-do-not-speak-of.

Oh, piss off.

You both took down your
team's student trainer

on her kinesiology co-op.

- How'd she find out about...
- Shh!

There's hope for
you yet, boys.

We are here asking for

five K for 49% of our company.

Super.

We want to give
back to the community

by investing in
the youth, boys.

Really hustle
for the youth, boys.

Uncle Eddie loved kids.

His only shortcoming, really.

We want to take the toughest
youth in Letterkenny

and put them
into a house together,

with a gym and with a pool.

There, they'll work
out together

while receiving
instructions from coaches,

Joint Boy and Tyson.

They will then fight each
other one by one

to find out who is,
in fact,

the toughest kid
in Letterkenny.

This concept
sounds a bit familiar.

No, it's a fresh
concept, ferda.

Ferda fresh.

Well, I'm trying to
wrap my head around this,

so I've got
a few questions, here.

So, you want to put a bunch
of dudes in a house together?

Yes. They'll be wearing
only gym shorts,

as you can see
in the poster.

And then you'll have all these
dudes work out together?

Yes, and they'll
always be shirtless

- 'cause there's no AC.
- It's hot.

Then when all these dudes
are done working out together,

they can go swimming together?

Oh, we'll teach them
how to wrestle, too.

Hold downs,
full mount, top control.

Throw some booze in the house.

They can have
a drink together.

What are you really trying
to accomplish here, boys?

Great presentation.

I really love
the bulletin board

with all the sweaty dudes.

You can just leave that here.

But I don't think that
Uncle Eddie would say,

"Katy, great investment
in sweaty dudes."

And for that reason,

- I'm out.
- You want to know what?

I'm just going to
come right out and say it,

and you can take that
bulletin board with you,

please and thanks.

This idea's
a tad fruity-loops.

And for that reason,

oh, I'm out.

What?

Up next in the barn,

this bartender
turned dog-breeder

hopes Cupid will find his
way to Letterkenny.

Say, Bonnie,
could I get you anything?

A glass of water, or...

I'm okay, Wayne.
Thanks, though.

Well, if you change your mind,

you can just run to the house
there, help yourself.

Maybe I will run over then.

Can I get you anything?

Well, no, I'm okay.

Do you want anything
from the...

Hmm...

Wet your whistle.

No, I'm good.
I got some water.

Okay. No, we're okay.
Thank you, Bonnie.

Cool, Wayne.

Good afternoon, Wayne, Katy.

Gail, how are you now?

- Good, and you?
- Well, not so bad.

I'm asking for five K
for 69% of my company.

Why 69?

Both sides benefit.

Good enough.

I want to give back
to the community

by helping people find love.

Uncle Eddie was
a notorious matchmaker.

And a real fucking legend
on the D floor

- right up till the bitter end.
- Yeah.

And I plan on doing that

by putting 20 women
from Letterkenny

into a house with you,

and having 'em all compete
for your hand in marriage.

- Who, me?
- Yeah.

Well, get after it.

Isn't this already
a reality series?

If it is, no one watches it.

Well, I'd fucking watch it,
boy howdy.

I'll have the girls
perform campy tasks

and complete silly challenges
to prove their mettle.

Well, that sounds fun.

Unnecessary, but go on.

Then you'd go on
group dates with them

and one-on-one
dates with them.

And then you ax them
one by one

until you decide which one
you want to marry.

- Okay.
- I'm not sure

it's reasonable that
he could choose

a wife based just on that.

I know.

Tastes good, but where's
the cream filling?

Like a Boston cream?

Canadian maple's better.

Well, that's
a Texas-sized 10-4.

Here's the kicker.

When it gets down to the final
three girls, deal is,

you get to go to their houses
and meet their families.

See? Now that's reasonable.

And then you get to spend
a night with each of them,

until you decide which one
you want to marry.

Is that... Does she...

- With all three?
- Does she mean...

After the...

Well, maybe it means
that I would have to...

I don't want to talk about it,
just ask her.

Okay, I'll ask her.
You want to know what?

I got some fucking
questions here.

Sha-boink!

Now, when you say I spend
the night with three of them,

is it implied I have sex
with all three of them?

- Sure is.
- So, I meet their families.

Then we go have sex.

I do that with three of them,
before deciding which one

- I want to marry?
- Yeah.

And do the girls know going
into the process

that I will be having sex
with them and two other girls

before deciding which
one I want to marry?

Yeah. Maybe more.

And do the girls' families,
who I've just met,

also know, going
into the process,

that I will be having sex
with their daughters,

as well as two other girls
who are not their daughters,

before deciding which one
I want to marry?

- Yeah.
- And the girls,

and their families, find this
process entirely rational,

despite how self-harming,

health-hazardous,
and humiliating

- it very likely will be?
- Yeah.

And do you say 20 girls,
and their families

will happily sign up
for this process?

Over and over, I imagine.

Oh, Gail, I don't
want to date a girl like that,

for fuck's sake.

Comes from a family
like that. Fuck...

Gail, could there
be a female version

where there's one girl
and 20 dudes?

- Yeah.
- I'm in.

No!

Ew!

You're out.

And do you want to know what?

- What?
- I'm out.

Okay.

Up next in the barn,

this husband and wife pair
from RR2 Letterkenny

wants to go hunting
for buried treasure.

Bonnie!

Bonnie!

- Did ya feed the dog?
- Yes!

Oh, well, thank you.

Jim Dickins, how are you now?

- Good, and you?
- Oh, not so bad.

- McMurray, how are...
- Wayne, how are...

- Well, good...
- Well, I'm good and...

- I'm not so...
- Oh, not so... Uh...

- Not so bad...
- Go ahead.

- You, you were first so...
- No, why don't you go ahead?

Oh, I didn't want
to be impolite.

Just start talking,
please, McMurray.

So you can go
ahead and start...

If you're going to go first,
then it would be your turn...

Just pretend what I had
to say wasn't important.

You're here to pitch,
are you not?

Are you sure you don't
want to say anything?

Jesus,
Pitter-Patter, McMurray!

Good enough. Have at 'er.
Yip, yip, yip.

Now, we are asking

for five K for 5%
of our business.

Okay.

We want to give back
to the community

by helping
them cocksuckers get rich.

Uncle Eddie used to
buy lottery tickets

for the seniors at
the home every week.

And we want to goddamn do that

by auctioning
off other people's shit.

Bingo.

Did you know

that there are
storage facilities

surrounding Letterkenny

that are filled with other
people's useless

piles of their shit, that they
have forgotten about?

Abandoned it, baby.

- They abandoned their shit...
- Abandoned their shit.

Now, whose knob
do I got to polish

to get a cocksucking gin
and tonic around here?

All right. We have secured
the auctioneering right

for these
such storage facilities

with the help of our friend,
Jimmy Dickskin.

- Dickins.
- That's exactly what I said.

So, what we want to do is we
want to take people down there

and have them rummage
through all the shit

and then buy some of the stuff

and probably,
more than likely,

most definitely, find hidden
treasures, gold and jewels.

And I'd settle
for a Tom Collins,

if it'll get this rig rolling.

So, you want to sell
other people's shit

that they left in their
storage locker.

- Abandoned.
- Abandoned.

- Things that they abandoned.
- But it's a storage locker

and nobody's got any good
shit in there.

You would be surprised.

I'm never surprised.

Well, you will be once we show
you a demonstration

of one such storage locker
that we have brought down

from the tiny town
of Tiverton.

Baby, if you will.

Shall I call you Vanna,
for a little role-play?

Uh-huh, baby,
you know what I mean?

All right, and a one,
and a two,

- and a three, Jimmy Dickskin!
- Got a beautiful set of DVDs.

- To start the bidding...
- DVDs galore, look at that...

One, two, three, four, five.

That's $50 guaranteed
for sure for DVDs alone.

Then we got a VCR.
That's a vintage VCR.

Guaranteed $50 for that
sweet piece of machinery

right then and there.
Maybe 100, maybe 150.

No big problem.
What else have we got, baby?

Fishing lures.
What man doesn't want 'em?

What man doesn't need 'em?
What man doesn't throw

fishing lures all over
the goddamn place?

Hundreds by the thousands.
Five dollars a fishing lure

guaranteeing it
for fucking sure.

So, you got five,
probably times 100,

probably $5,000 right there,
sitting alone in that box.

That microwave was probably
touched by Mahatma Gandhi.

Easy! Maybe even Jesus.

The proper thing,
I guarantee ya, is worth

$100,000, no problem.

A bit generous on your
evaluations there, bud.

All right, 100,000
might be too much,

but maybe 50,000.
What have we got now, baby?

Looks like we got a handyman
storage locker, baby.

Handyman storage.

We got corn silk white.

We got lavender brush
white paint.

- We got...
- Mint.

Mint cream white paint!

You can cream all
over the place!

All over your ceilings!

You can do them!
Come in here

and buy all of that paint
and paint your apartment

and give you
$100 cash in your hands.

Ya hear me?
What else we got, baby?

And now we're talking
big money. We got the bits.

We got bits.

Bits coming out of the ass.

Twist bits, drill bits,
fucking Brad bits.

All over the place.
Baby's putting them in...

Gonna have so many bits,
you can put 'em in your tits.

You can put in your mouth,
you can shake 'em all around,

do a little dance,
and all kinds of shit.

Bits all over the place.
You can have so many,

you can lick 'em, suck 'em,
kick 'em fucking right in...

Not for me, though,
but somebody else

who's into that kind of shit.

Each one is guaranteed to be
at least $100.

No problem there, for sure.
$100 each bit!

- No, they're not.
- Sure God damn are!

No, they're not.

- Jimmy Dickskin!
- Dickins!

I know it's Dickins,
and I meant no offense.

I was just trying to get you
to stop the...

Well, the thing you're doing.

No one keeps shit
in their storage locker

that you can rich off of.

Only shit like Brad
point bits, really.

- Yep, see.
- Uncle Eddie would have wanted

me to take this idea and put
it in a storage locker,

then abandon it.

I'm out!

You want to know what? Whoever
called it the Brad point bit

would have done
themselves a favor

by calling it
the Brad Pitt bit.

But either way

I'm out.

That's marketing
genius right there, Wayne,

but you snooze,
you lose, buggers.

You're looking
at three millionaires

walking away from
ya in the dust.

Have a good day!
On the morrow!

Up next in the barn,

this southern evangelist

turned Letterkenny
youth worker

brings the sound of music.

Bonnie, where'd you get
your dress?

I don't know.
It was a Christmas present.

Can you find out?

I think so.

- It's so cute.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you like it, Wayne?

Glen, how're you now?

- Oh, good and you?
- Not so bad.

Well, I want your five K.

For what percent?

Uh, at 0%.
That's the Lord's percentage.

- Oh, is that what it is?
- Yes.

Now, what I would
like to do,

is to give back
to the community

by spreading the
word of Christ...

- Okay
- ...through song!

- Uncle Eddie was an atheist.
- Well...

Then he couldn't have
been a Boy Scout

because atheism
violates our pledge.

- You're a Boy Scout?
- Uh, yeah.

Fastest Boy Scout
to ever earn his badges

in basketing and bugle-ry.

Hey, ya ever had
a Frozen Girl Scout?

Yes! But with three scoops
of chocolate gelato

instead of ice cream.

I'm proudly
lactose intolerant.

So am I, but you can
power through that

if you really want to.

Wayne!

I'd like to introduce you

to Milo, Levi, and Finn.

Those sound like stage names.

Oh, they are. Their actual
names are Kennedy,

Cullen, Campbell.

- Those sound like last names.
- They are.

Now I would like to take these
boys to Los Angeles

to audition for a little show
you might have heard of,

called America's Got Talent.

Now, I know what
you're thinking.

Why can't you just bring 'em
to the local model search

and talent show that's
coming to town soon?

Well, I would prefer
to bring them directly

to the epicenter
of everything.

Make 'em super-famous

and then inspire loads
of other boys,

all over Letterkenny, to sing.

- What do ya sing?
- Oh, we sing Enya.

We sing Enya-thing.

It's a choir joke.

Anywho, I'm their choirmaster

but I consider myself
to be more of a...

A player-coach
in the equationatto.

Because, I mean, frankly,

who wants a trio when
you can have a quartet?

- Tick-tock.
- Okay, boys.

Ragazzo!

Grazioso.

Espressivo.

Energetico.

Grandioso!

Finn?

♪ I need you to praise him

♪ I want you to praise him
Finn, find me

♪ I need you to praise him

♪ I don't know
where you are, Finn

♪ But you're not with me

♪ Praise him
I need you to praise him...

- That'll do, Glen.
- No, wait. You know what?

Sometimes it helps if I dance.
It helps my glissando.

♪ I need you to praise him

♪ I want you to praise him...

- Glen!
- ♪ I'll praise him...

It's the crescendo.
Just wait for the crescendo.

♪ Praise, praise, praise
praise him ♪

Well, there was supposed to be

an intermezzo,

but Milo keeps
forcing his falsetto

and not accepting the
fact that he is a castrato.

- Okay...
- And Levi

thinks this is madrigals,

and will not allow me
my obbligato.

- Uh-huh?
- And then there's Finn.

This is not fucking Glee.

Now the soul of the piece is
obviously in my ostinato,

in my "praise him."

By the time we get
to Los Angeles

the piece will begin
with a sonatina,

it will be accompanied
by a partita.

It will then accelerando
into a capriccio.

I will play my third role
in the equationatto

as the contralto
of the quartet-o.

So?

Some people prefer a trio.

I am one of those people.

And for that reason, I'm out.

Say, when is Los Angeles?

- It's next weekend!
- Holy fuck.

- What?
- Oh, fuck, bud.

- What?
- I'm out.

Up next, two barn
favorites have a plan.

- Hi, Bonnie.
- Hi, Daryl.

Hi, Bonnie!

Hi, Dan.

- How are you now?
- Good, and you?

- Not so bad.
- Taking a piss?

Just a fucking pisser, yeah.

Okay.

I yacked from donkey juice.

- Oh, did ya have a spit?
- You meat-sauced.

I was up all night, pretty
near spitting everywhere.

That's pretty near the whole
point of donkey juice.

Like, you know
you're gonna have to spit.

- Had to call Earl.
- I called Huey, too.

Yeah, I solds the Buick.

Oh, did you all toss
a sidewalk pizza?

Yep.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

Well, that's pretty near
the point of donkey juice.

Like, you know
you'll have a spit.

We are asking for five K

- for 50% of our business.
- Fucking serious?

Oh, we sees
everyone else doing it,

figured we'd toss
our hats in the ring.

You can borrow some money
if you want to.

No, we've got enough
to get by, thanks.

Well, we wants to give back
to the community

by getting jobs for peoples.

Well, Uncle Eddie used
to always say...

"An idle mind is
the devil's playground."

- 10-4, good buddy.
- Over and out.

So Dary and me been
making these duck calls

and we wants to
open up a factory

to manufacture
these duck calls.

Well, see now that
is a great, original idea.

And, uh, see Dan has a beard

and I'll grow a beard,
and then the only people

that we'd have
working in the factory,

would also have beards.

And that would contribute to
our original and unique brand.

Unique and original.

Yeah. And when we're
not making duck calls

to contribute
to our unique brand,

we'd, uh, shoot guns

- and blows up beaver dams.
- Oh.

Will the beavers
be out of the dams

before you blow them up?

That's unclear.

But a dam's got to get
blowed up.

I'm surprised we're not
blowing up beaver dams

- right now.
- This is a choice idea, boys.

And one that definitely no one
has ever attempted before.

- I think I'm in.
- What could go wrong?

And after we grows our brand

and got a followings,

we could use our influences to

condemn homosexuals.

Oh.

No, no, 'cause...
It's okay because,

you know, once we've
created our brand,

and then condemned
the homosexuals,

we'll just like go home
with our families

to eat supper and then
hold hands and pray.

Well, see now,
that's a wee bit

of a curve ball,
super-chieftains.

What do you have
against homosexuals?

Me? Nothing.

LQBT is all rights with me.

- Daryl?
- Yeah.

- Nothing.
- So, why do you want

- to condemn them?
- Yeah?

We... We seens it
on a TV shows.

- We know.
- We know.

We actually seens it
on two TV shows.

One was the TV show,
what we seens it on,

and then the other
was a news program about

what we seens on the TV shows.

We know.

But those guys
got real popular

and they looked like they
was having lots of fun

so we just figured if we
dids what they dids...

We could have
lots of fun, too.

Well, do you still want to
blow up beaver dams?

Oh, can we still blows up
the beaver dams?

Oh, yeah, I kind of
thought this whole

conversation was about us
blowing up beaver dams.

I'm surprised
you're not blowing up

beaver dams right now.

This idea has lawsuit
written all over it.

This is the worst
pitch we've seen.

Ever.

And for that reason,

I'm out.

You want to know what, Dary?
You can't even grow a beard.

- Can too.
- Cannot.

- Can too!
- Cannot! Figure it out!

No, can too!

No, you can't.
And for that reason,

I'm out.

But...

Well, what are you
guys doing now?

Me? Nothing.

Do ya want to get hammered?

- Yeah, I'd get hammered.
- Yeah.

I think we're
out of beer, though.

Beer store's closed.

No!

Fuck, do I miss MoDean's.

Well, reason fucking
five million we need

some sort of bar in this town.

What did you say when I told
you that Uncle Eddie died?

- I say he's a good guy.
- The other thing?

- I say he's a real good guy.
- The other thing.

He'd want us to have a party!

Bonnie, thank you
for your help today.

You're welcome, Wayne.

Save me a dance
at the next jamboree?

Can do.

Hey!

We all know Uncle Eddie
was a real good guy.

Oh, he was a great guy!

- He was a really good guy!
- A real good guy.

- He was a really good guy.
- Nice guy.

Here's to Uncle Eddie.

And here's to his five K
put back into the community

in the most appropriate
way possible.

Hear, hear!

Whoo.

This is definitely what
he wanted, brother.

- Did he?
- Dum-diddy-do.

We're out of beer.
$5,000 worth?

Correct.
Beer store's closed.

No!