All language subtitles for Letterkenny.S02E03.Relationships.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

You were huckin'
the ball around

with your pals
the other day...

Say, uh...

What's the deal with your
sweetie there, Squirrely Dan?

Well, I took her
out last night.

- Where to?
- Outs to the chip truck.

- Fries and gravy?
- I had mine with gravy.

She had hers with
salts and malts vinegar.

Do you know that
salt and malt vinegar's

a non-traditional way
to dress your French fries

in the United States?

What the fuck
is wrong with them?

Like malt vinegar
is not a staple condiment

on tabletops in restaurants
in the United States.

Fuck, figure it out.

That's what I say.
I say, figure it out.

Got no vinegars on the tables,
no Krafts peanut butters.

Figure it out.
Fuckin' figure it out.

Better not forget those
fuckin' all-dressed chips.

No ketchup chips neither.

Figure it out.

Somebody really
ought to write a letter.

They do got six different
types of Cap'n Crunch, though.

How do you know that?

Saw a comedian talks about it
on the Juste Pour Rires.

Can't remember
his name, though.

Good guy, though?

A little long-winded
for my taste.

But, yeah,
a pretty good guy.

Well, glad to hear
he's a good guy at least.

They have running water
down there?

Anyhoo,

the evening went
so well that, uh,

we got up to a little bits
of a foolin' around.

Did you French her?

Kind of
out of line there, Dary.

Did you go up her shirt?

Now you're really
out of line, Dary.

We did French,
that much I will reveal.

Well, you already
revealed that much,

might as well just tell us
if you went up her shirt.

It's impolite
to kiss and tell, Dary.

I don't like to
kiss and tell, but...

The Frenchin's tooks
a hard left turn,

from which I have
yets to recover.

Do you wanna know what?

I'm not asking you
to kiss and tell,

'cause that's impolite.

But...

I'm kind of curious.

Yeah, Dan, kiss and tell.

I'm sure you boys have had
a couple of curve balls

thrown your way
betwixt the sheets.

Well, not to be impolite, but,

you know, sometimes
a gal will be kissin' around

on, like, the area
near your genitals,

but not quite
on your genitals.

Makes me ticklish
and insecure.

You know,
not to be impolite,

but sometimes a gal will do
some kissin' on the ears,

which makes me uncomfortable,

because even though
I clean my ears,

sometimes a tater will just
roll out of there unexpected.

I kind of likes
both those things.

Yeah, it's why you're called
"Squirrely Dan."

Yeah, reason
fuckin' five million.

Well, nots to be
impolite, but...

This gal suggested that

maybe I should have some

attentions paid

to my butts hole.

That ever...

Ever happen to you guys?

Did you ever have a gal
suggest that you need

some attentions paid

to your butts holes?

I'll take that as a hard no,
I guess?

She put a couple of fingers
up there and...

It turns out you got a...

An erogenous zone up there.

Found...
Found the hot button and...

Gaves it a tickle and, uh...

Yeah. Feels, uh...

It feels pretty good,
you guys, okay?

- Pop fly.
- I really liked it.

It felt...
Felt very natural.

Nice.

That's how you get
the body in front of it.

Get the body in front of it.

They call it
"milking the prostate."

Well, it's impolite
to kiss and tell.

- Where's Stewart been, Katy?
- He's not talking to me.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Here are your birthday
pancakes, big brother.

Don't fuck with tradition.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Happy birthday, Wayne.

Jinx. You owe me
a Coke.

Well, see now, that
you can get in the States.

What you can't get, though,
is Crush Cream Soda.

We got you
a present, Wayne.

Two Cokes.

We don't make a thing of
birthdays in this family.

Can we skip my super-soft
birthday party then this year?

Hard no!

It's not a birthday thing,
it's an efficiency thing.

Uh, if you can be one thing,
you should be efficient.

We got you an appointment
with a matchmaker.

Get the... Take a...

Well, start walkin'.

Well, you won't
do online dating.

There's no more MoDeans,
so you can't meet girls there.

You're handcuffed, cowboy.

- Figure it out.
- Yeah, figures it out.

Don't you tell me
to figure it out.

Yous are the ones
should figure it out.

All you have to do is
sit down with a matchmaker,

answer a few questions,

and then she sets you up
on three dates with girls

that she thinks
you'll jive with.

Has anyone heard
from Jivin' Pete lately?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, Jivin' Pete's one nut
got all swole up...

I don't give a shit about
Jivin' Pete's one nut.

No, no, this is a story about
Jivin' Pete's other nut.

Yeah, Jivin' Pete's
had himself

a botched vasectomy
a little while back,

so now his one nut's
there all swole up

bigger than the first nut
that was all swole up.

If you can believes
that nonsense.

Was Jivin' showin' it
to people again?

Oh, he's showin' it to people.
I seen it.

- You seen it, Dary?
- Oh, I seen it.

- Yeah, I never seen it.
- It looks like a rambutan.

Which is to say,
this hairy fruit.

So, not smooth
like a persimmon?

No, although it is about
the size of a persimmons.

Which, of course,
is much like a tomatoes.

What sort of potent peace pipe
was some prick pulling off

when he titled
tomatoes "fruits"?

Well...

Now both Jivin' Pete's nuts
have a story,

which I hope guarantees
that I'll never have to listen

to another story about
Jivin' Pete's nuts.

- He's a good guy.
- He's a real good guy.

- No, he's a great guy.
- Wayne.

You're looking for love.

And you said it yourself,

"If you can be one thing,
be efficient."

Do's it once, do's it rights.

- Figures it out.
- Pitter patter,

let's get at 'er,
figure it out.

You shouldn't gang up
on people on their birthdays.

We don't make a thing
of birthdays in this family.

She's comin' this afternoon.

Don't be in your
barnin' clothes.

I fuckin' hate praccy, bro.

It's Senior-A whale shit, bro.
Why even praccy?

Like, I'm just gonna praccy
like a donkey.

I could donk all day.

Just blast clappers
at the hash marks

at the fuckin' plug tendy
of ours.

Clappys from the hashys, buddy.

Just steppin' into one
from the ladies' tees.

Just bulldoze that speed bump.

Just firin' ringers
at his ears.

Just firin' warm-up ringers.

Just tossin' chest-high sauce
at the boys.

Just tossin' ankle-high
rocket sauce.

Just tossin' mad sui's
up the middle.

Just tossin' mad sui's
through the trolley tracks.

Just tossin' mad
breakout sui's

directly into the skates.

Just tossin' mad
breakout sui's.

You know, it might be
a fun praccy after all.

I could donk all day, boys.

I don't think I've ever
sat on a hay bale before.

That's a straw bale,
and that's barley.

Wonderful.

Great. Um...

So, a little bit about me.

Uh, my service is called

"Goldilocks and
the Three Dates."

Katy...

I forgot to tell her
not to tell you that.

So, I've modeled my business

after the charming story
that it's inspired by.

I send my clients
on three dates,

and like the beds that
Goldilocks laid down in

after eating the three
bears' porridge,

maybe one is "too hard,"
and maybe one is "too soft."

But in the end we hope
that maybe one is just right.

Katy...

Get after it.
You're losin' him.

Okay. Wayne,
why don't you just

tell me a little bit
about yourself.

It's impolite
to talk about yourself.

Keeps his truck clean.
Loves his dogs.

Enjoys a beer and a smoke.

Beer...
Beer and smoke.

That's... Wow, you know.

I get it. Rustic.

Trucks, got it.

We will make this work.
I love it, okay.

And then, um, Wayne,
can you just tell me

a little bit about
your past relationship?

You shouldn't air
your dirty laundry.

Five years.
Ended a while ago.

No baggage.

No baggage, love that.
No baggage, no babies.

Likey.

This is fun.

I'm having a fun time
in this place.

And, Wayne,
can you tell me

how much you make
in a fiscal year?

Katy!

It's impolite to talk
about your money.

He's no slouch.

Okay. Touche.

Well, I'm about
to begin your story.

Where maybe one is "too hard."

Maybe one is, um...

- But in the end...
- Yeah, you lost him.

He seems...
He seems nice.

Do you live...

Do you live in here?

So, what did you think of

Goldilocks and the Three Dates
there, Wayne?

Ready to fall in Goldi-love?

Or Goldi-lust?

You won't be Goldi-laughin'
when I break your Goldi-legs.

Dim the Goldi-lights?

Nights of your Goldi-life?

Use your Goldi-language.
Make her Goldi-laugh.

Make it Goldi-last.

Better Goldi-lay off,
before they find

your Goldi-limbs
in a Goldi-landfill,

Goldi-literally.

Take her on a Goldi-lunch?

Maybe a Goldi-late suppers?

- Maybe she's a Goldi-lawyer.
- Ooh.

You think I'm Goldi-lyin'?
Enough Goldi-lip.

A Goldi-longshoresman
will find your bodies

in the Goldi-lake!

Gentlemen, a question.
A query.

- An inquis...
- Pitter patter.

Has Katy mentioned anything
about me not talking to her?

- Can confirm.
- Major league.

- It's working.
- What's working?

By not talking to her,
she will form the conclusion

that I'm upset with her
and eventually ask me why.

Why you so butt-hurt, Stewart?

- Well, she acts like...
- Just kidding.

- I don't give a fuck.
- Wait.

So, you're upsets with her,

and you wanna communicate that
by not communicatings?

Acutely.

You are spare parts,
aren't you, bud?

Let me know
if Katy asks about me.

Heads up!

Ow!

I'm Kim.

I'm a psychologist
and a feminist.

- I'll be paying the bill.
- I'm Wayne.

Wayne!

Glen.
How are you now?

- Ah, good and you?
- Oh, not so bad.

Well, I guess the kitten's
out of the clutch on this one.

I also have
to work as a waitress

to make ends meet.

- Sure you do.
- I'm Kim.

Are you ever.

Look at you.
I'm lovin' this.

You're like a shark.
I'm scared.

Like a Julie Moore,
or like a Jessie Chastain.

- What can I get you to drink?
- Uh, we'll need a minute.

Uh, please and thank you.

Hmm. All right.

Well, you'll take care of
little Miss Nicki Kidman here

till I get back,
Mr. McConaughey?

- Sure, I will.
- All right.

He crosses his arms.

Are you aware of
the psychology behind that?

Now, when you say "he,"

you're talking
about me, right?

He has wit.

Do you know why
you cross your arms?

Feels like you're talking
to two people right now.

Crossing your arms,

whether it be consciously
or subconsciously,

is a sign of defense.

You're protecting
your vital organs.

Do you feel threatened by me?

Well, I don't,
but the other guy might.

He is hilarious.

Enough psychology for now.

What do you know
about feminism, Wayne?

I know it's unsafe territory
to discuss with a feminist.

- Why?
- Someone will start shoutin'.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Feminism is the belief
that women and men

should have equal rights
and opportunities.

So, are you a feminist, Wayne?

Well, I trust my sister

with just about any job
under the sun over a man.

- But 'cept this one, I guess.
- Excuse me?

Not to be impolite but you're
not exposed to talk about sex,

politics or religion
at the supper table.

What do you want, Wayne?

- I'd have a Gus'n Bru, likely.
- Not what I'm asking.

What's a Gus'n Bru?

Ooh!
I'll google it and find out.

I'm kiddin'.
I know exactly what it is.

But we don't have any.

So, what can
I get you to drink?

I'll have a Caesar
and he'll have a...

Pint of lager, please.
Something local.

- Thank you.
- All right.

So, a local lager
for Mr. Brando

and a Caesar
for Sandy Bullock.

I love those orders.
Be right back.

I didn't think they'd have it
at Four Dancers.

Yes, I didn't think they'd
have it at this resto-bar.

- Gastro-pub.
- Says "resto-bar" on the sign.

It's more of a micro-bistro.

Says brasserie on the menu
right there, too.

It's more of
a bistro-brasserie.

When I came in
they asked me if I wanted

to sit at the resto-bar
or the gastro-lounge.

I'm glad you chose
the resto-bar.

This is actually
the gastro-lounge.

Do you know what
an emergency call is, Wayne?

- Negative.
- It's when you have a friend

call 10, 15 minutes
into a date

to be sure the date
isn't a total bust.

And if it is, then you can
play the phone call

as though it's an emergency
and leave the date.

Well, that's fair.

I guess we are first cousin
to an emergency here.

A good one.

And you shouldn't
be afraid of it.

I think we could do
good things here.

I'm going to call my friend

and cancel
her pending emergency call,

and when I get back,

let's talk about
your feelings, Wayne.

- Okay.
- Let's really talk about them.

- Okay.
- I wanna take 'em,

and I wanna talk about them.

Oh, it's Wayne.
How are you now?

Oh, not so bad.

Yeah, this one's too hard.

We don't have time
to discuss that business.

Devon.

Stewart.

I come in peace.

How do we know
you don't have another one

of those in your sock?

You don't.

Speak.
Do not approach.

- Seen Katy around?
- No.

- That is all.
- Stewart!

Trouble in paradise?

If there was,
she wouldn't know it.

I'm not talking to her.

Well played.
Wait it out.

That way she'll come
to the conclusion that

you're upset with her
and ask you why.

- Precisely.
- She should anyway.

- If she's smart.
- I know.

- Why are you mad at her?
- She acts like...

You should try
an open relationship.

Could be productive.

You could also
try a hall pass.

It's when you give, you know,

her being allowed
to sleep with one person

and that's it,
no questions asked.

Another plausibly
fruitful option.

New GTA and COD out today.

We're going to sesh.

- Been gaming much?
- Always gaming.

- You?
- Just gamed.

Stimulating morning game.

Evening game will eclipse.

I gamed a 4:00-to-4:00 shift
last night.

You're gaming
taxi driver's hours?

I gamed a 10:00-to-4:00 shift
today.

Gaming banker's hours.

I'll probably game
a 5:00-to-7:00 shift now.

Cinq a sept.
Nous aussi.

You guys wanna hit up
a happy hour?

We're gonna hit
another happy hour.

Heads up!

Ow!

I'm Lisa.

Wayne.

Wayne!

- Glen, how are you now?
- Good and you?

- Not so bad.
- Well, I guess the teddy's

out of the tickle trunk
on this one, too.

I also work here.

Reason is the Salty Treat
blew out an amp the other day,

rockin' out pretty hard
to some Lifehouse covers,

which will happen.

So, I'm pickin' up the slack.
I'm happy to do it.

Way she goes.

I'm Lisa.

Are you ever.
Look at you!

It's America's little
sweetheart over here.

You're like
a little Katy Heigl

or like a little Katy Hudson.

What can I get ya?

Do you have cookies and cream?

Do I...

Do I have cookies and cream?

I sure do have
cookies and cream.

And I'm thinkin' maybe
a vanilla-fudge swirl chunk

for Mr. Newman over here?

- That'll do, thank you.
- Okay.

And you're gonna keep an eye
on little Caty Blanchett here

- for me till I get back?
- Sure will.

Thank you! Be right back!

- So, you're a farmer, Wayne?
- Can confirm.

You don't smell like one.

I'm kidding.

I'm a pre-school principal.
Do you like kids?

- Hmm...
- I know, everyone likes kids.

They're so silly.

I love them
when they're silly.

But if they get too silly,
they have to come see me.

-"Silly"?
- Mischief.

- Trouble.
- We use gentler terms.

As a policy.

Well, so what happens
when they come see you?

Well, we do things a little
differently in our program.

The approach is progressive
and positive.

We issue
a hug consent form to parents,

which allows us
to hug their kids.

Because 99% of the time,
all kids need is a hug.

-"A hug"?
- A squeeze.

Well, you squeeze 'em.

- An embrace.
- Oh.

- Oh?
- Well...

- What is it?
- Nothin'.

- Wayne.
- Yeah?

- Speak freely.
- No, I'd better not.

That's the only way
we'll get to know each other.

But do you ever smack 'em?

- Excuse me?
- Like, give 'em a good whack?

- I don't follow.
- Do you ever hit the kid?

Like, for being too silly.

No! Wayne.

We never hit our kids.
You shouldn't hit kids.

Well, you know what,

don't you remember
how scared you were

of your principal
when you were growing up?

It's 'cause he'd smack you
if you were being too silly.

Like your parents
wanted you

to have a principal
who would smack you.

They took comfort in the fact

that they were sending you
to a place every day

where someone would
smack you for them

if you were being
too silly.

And sometimes
I see kids these days,

I kind of think, like...

Like, wish you could
still do that.

That sort of discipline
is long outdated, Wayne,

and frowned upon.

We sit the child down...

- That's another problem.
- What is?

- In my opinion.
- Sitting?

Well, no wonder
kids are failin' school,

just sittin' around all day.

Stand up,
you're not doing nothin'.

You think sitting
is a problem?

- Yeah.
- Why?

'Cause it makes you soft.

- Literally or figuratively?
- Well, both, I suppose.

- Both?
- Yeah.

In my opinion.

My phone's buzzing.

Well, so you like cookies
and cream ice cream, hey?

Well, I think
it's pretty good, too.

Hi, Michelle.

Oh, no.

Okay,
I'll be right there.

I'm sorry, Wayne,
I've gotta go.

- It's...
- An emergency.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

It's Wayne.

Well, how are you now?

Oh, not so bad.

Yeah, this one's too soft.

What?

I'm not talking to you.

Super.

It's been three days.

Why haven't you asked me
what's wrong?

- Something wrong?
- Of course it is.

- You act like I don't...
- Should I have known that?

It's called
"the silent treatment."

Step one,
I stop talking to you.

Step two,
you form the conclusion

that something is wrong.

Step three,
you ask me what's wrong.

What's up with step one?

You've skipped
step one and two.

What's step three again?

You ask me what's wrong!

Got it.

Good.

You bet.

Go ahead.

Where?

- Step three.
- What's step three again?

We'll skip step three.

I'm just going to tell you
what's wrong.

That should have
been step one.

Wrong. Step one and two
are fundamental steps.

You missed steps, Stewart.

How?

Step one,
become angry with someone.

Step two, tell that someone
that you're angry.

Step three, resolve anger
with that someone.

- Step four...
- Step four.

Step four,
resume peaceful existence.

Your logic is
frighteningly bewitching.

Phantasmagoric.

It's time for you to go.

What?

Where?

Leave here?

It was a rebound.

Even though there was no
physical act of rebounding,

which is a first for me.

Gross.

Seriously, Katy.

W5.

No one has time for
the silent treatment, Stewart.

Not even in Letterkenny.

Adios.

Heads up!

Nice try, shirt-tuckers!

Ow!

Hi, Wayne.

Angie.

Wayne!

Oh, my gourd,
what a coincidence.

Oh, I bet you're thinkin'
I work here.

I don't work here.

I just love Guy's fries.

They're so crispy,
and you add a little salt...

I just think
they're so delicious.

Ooh! Who is this?

You're a masterpiece,
aren't ya?

You're like a Shelly Pfeiffer,
you're like a Charlie Theron,

or like a Penny Cruz.

Ooh!

You're like
a little Angie Jolie.

That's who you are,
you're Angie.

How are you now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

Can we talk?

- Okay.
-"Talk."

In your truck.

Okay.

Now that was just right.

So how did you make out,
super chief?

Did you find the missing
Goldi-link?

You fallin' in Goldi-love?

It's better
to Goldi-let this go,

before I Goldi-lose my shit.

Oh, take your drink,
you Goldi-lush.

Tread Goldi-lightly.

So, that's no
toe-curlin' then?

It's impolite
to kiss and tell.

Nothin' wrong with a little
stank on the hang down.

Nothin' wrong with a little
takesin' out in the trades.

A little hizzin'
in the skizzins.

No, I know there's
nothin' wrong with a little

goin' to the bone yard,
I know that.

Nothin' wrong with
a little bacon makin'.

Nothin' wrong with a little
shot twixt winds and waters.

A little building
the blanket monster.

I know there's nothin' wrong
with a little pituitary poke.

- I know that.
- Nothin' wrong with a little

makin' the beast
with two backs.

Makin' feet
for children's stockin's.

Testing the tube steak.

Look, I know
there's nothin' wrong

with a little crawl
up the skin slide.

- I know that.
- Nothin' wrong with a little,

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

Now just pump the brakes
right there.

- I got a question.
- Have at 'er.

Then I got a comment.

Well, let's hear it,
good buddy.

Now, my question.

When have you ever
heard a girl go,

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

- Well...
- Other than in a porno.

- I don't believe I have.
- Me neithers.

That's because
we don't say that.

- Well...
- Not unless it's in a porno.

Now my comment.

You see, the way Dary did the
"yes, yes, yes, yes, yes's"

is not the way they do
the "yes, yes, yes" in pornos.

That's the way they do it.

The girl gets all excited,
and she goes,

"Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes."

Yes, but the way you're doing
the "yes, yes, yes, yes's"

is not the way they do
the "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

It is the way
they do it.

They go,
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

That's exactly
how they do it.

No, they don't.

What they do is
they find a super-high pitch

for those first four yes's.

And then
they come in all dramatic

for that final "yes."

So, it goes a little something
like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes."

And then they
get all dramatic

for that final "yes."

Say, "Yes! Oh."

I don't think that's
how they do it.

I'd have to hears it again.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

Yeah.
Yeah, porno girls do that.

But only when
the porno guys

aren't busy finding
some super-low tone

and repeating
over and over again,

"Ah, fuck.

"Ah, fuck."

I takes a bit offense to that,
Miss Katy,

as I have
a naturally low voice,

and I do likes to say,
"Ah, fuck.

"Ah, fuck."

Exceptin' I don't
do it in pornos.

Well, then you should
do voiceovers

for English-dubbed
foreign pornos, Dan,

because that was a text book
"ah, fuck, ah, fuck."

Why thank you, Miss Katy.

I've never had
any complaints from

any of my sexual companions

about my
"ah, fuck, ah, fuck."

Let me hear yours, Dary.

Well, I...
I'm confused still on the

"yes, yes, yes, yes, yes's."

So, Wayne,
it's like, uh,

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"?

See, it's not as if it's a
fuckin' question, Dary, is it?

You're saying it
like it's a question.

So, it's like,
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

You're gettin closer, Dary,
but what you want to do

is put a little pepper
on the end of it.

You just want to put a little
pepper on the end of it.

Like, "Yes!"

"Yes!"

"Ah, fuck."

- It's like, "Yes, yes, yes..."
-"Ah, fuck."

-"...yes, yes, yes!"
-"Ah, fuck."

Like, "Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes!"

"Yes!"

Just having a fight
with my hat.

"Oh, my God."

"Oh, my God!"

"Feels really good."

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God."

"Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God!"

Three praccys a week, buddy?

Three praccys a week in
Senior-A whale shit, buddy.

Half these guys wheel their
fuckin' bags into the rink.

The day I fuckin' wheel
my bag into the rink

is the day I stop
playing hockey.

A-fuckin'-men, buddy.

Why do we even praccy, buddy?

Should be rippin' sandos.

See me toss the sauce
in the skates

- all night long, buddy?
- Just tossin' rocket sauce

straight into the blades, boys.

I don't even know what
a tape-to-taper is anymore.

Not sure what a tape-to-taper
is anymore, buddy.

- Fuck tape-to-tapers, buddy.
- Fuck tapers.

I fired
a point-blank clap bomb

directly into
Barts's chest tonight.

Fired a point-blank point bomb
straight in Yorkie's junk.

I snowed our plug tendy
no less than nine times.

I snow-showered our plug tendy
and that was his own "D," man.

Praccy's not badski
when you're donkin'.

I could donk all day, boys.