All language subtitles for Letterkenny.S02E02.The.Election.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

You're having
some beers in the barn

with your pals
the other day...

So, have you figured out
what you're gonna do

as first act of Ag Hall
President there, super shoots?

You're looking at it,
pea shoots.

No, he's talking about
a charitable act, big shooter.

We'll advise you there,
shoots and ladders.

We'll be your team,

- half court shooter.
- K.

Like when Obamas
became president,

he started
bringing troops home.

Oh, is that what he did?

Or when Trudeau
became Prime Minister,

he started bringing
refugees over.

Oh, did he do that?

Whatever you do, just make
sure peoples know about it.

Yeah, like you're gonna want
to have somebody

come down from the paper,
take a photo of it.

- Tweet a tweet, snap a chat.
- Why?

Well, if it's not
in the papers

or on the Internets,
it's pretty much worthless.

You know what I think,
we should almost be

snapping a chat
about us talking about doing

- the charitables right now.
- Pump the brakes.

Now, am I doing
the charitables

for the charity's gain
or my own?

Well, you do the charitables
for the charity,

but the whole point
of doing the charitables

is that people think
you're a good guy

for being charitable.

Yeah, behaving charitably,

you'll have
people saying, like,

-"Oh, he's a good guy."
-"Oh, he's a real good guy."

-"Oh, he's a great guy."
- No!

I think you have had
too much sugar cereal.

The whole point
of doing the charitables

is to help the charity
and to make you feel good,

not look good. Figure it out.

Yeah, but it feels good
to have people call you

a real good guy.
You figure it out.

Oh, it feels even gooder
when someone says

you're a great guy.
You figure it out.

You want to do a charitable?

Drive into town
first thing in the morning,

dead of winter,
after a fresh snow fall.

Shovel a handful
of folks' driveways

before they wake up.

No one does a tweet.
Feels fuckin' sweet.

Also, it's a substantial
core workout,

from what I've been told.

Or if you're done
doing hay for the day,

drive on over
to someone's place

that isn't done
doing hay for the day,

cut their grass
or something like that.

No one snaps a chat.
Go fuck your hat.

Or couldn't you
just help them do hay?

- But gets a photo.
- You're gonna need a photo.

You wanna know what?

No one likes
a preachy Patrick,

but you are pissing
on the seat here.

Well, no one likes
an impracticals Pete.

No one likes
an unprepared Paul.

Or if you're a woman,

no one likes
an unproductive Pams.

Or an improper Pippa.

No one likes
a pestering Preston.

Or if you're a woman, no one
likes a patronizing Peggy.

Trust me, good buddies,

any charitables act,
big or small,

is an act wasted if your face
ain't attached to it.

- Any charitable act?
- Any charitables act.

Well, then come on, Dan.
Let's drive into town.

We'll let the dog
drop a shit on Main Street

and snap a chat
of you picking it up.

Good?

Pitter-patter!

Choice work, super chief.

Oh, there's your lipstick.

Hey, 19! Nice stats, no stats.

Scored 40 genos in the dub,
one-nine.

Sixty apples in the O, 19.

Lead the Q in PIMS
as an over-ager, buddy.

Wheeled my buddy's
billet sister.

Fucking 200 PIMS, boys.

PIMS 200 club, boys.

All the light bulbs don't work
on the scoreboard, eh, bud?

A quiet night
in the red light district,

- one-nine.
- Suck my knob.

Drink milk, one-nine.

What'd they get
in a trade for you,

tin of chew
and a half a bag of pucks?

Set of used practice jerseys?

Tub of orange slices?

Go carbo-load, 19.

Suck my knob, you plug.

Hey, Schmelts.

You do not get
to talk to Mr. Sakic.

Mr. Sakic
has earned our respect.

You have not earned
our respect, Schmelts.

You do not get
to talk to Mr. Sakic.

Your first period
in the league, Schmelts.

You'll be sent down
by the second.

This is fantasy camp for you.

Hey!

You think you can just
walk into this league

and start chirping?

Know your role, pheasants!

You had a cup of coffee.

You're seat fillers
at the ESPY's.

You're Tiger's caddy
now that nobody gives a shit!

It's fucking embarrassing!

I don't miss playing
for that guy, buddy.

Always a silver lining, buddy.

Give your balls
a tug, you tit fucker!

The fuck did Shoresy
come from?

I didn't even know
he was here, bro.

Hey. All this time chirping

could be better spent
doing legs, Schmelts.

Never skip leg day, Schmelts.

Hey, nice work
on legs day today.

Hey, you rocked
legs today, Yorkie.

Thanks. Barts, you're faster

than the Russian Rocket,
Pavs Bure.

That is where leg day got you!

Yorkie, statistically,
Mike Gartner was faster

than Bure, and that's where
leg day got you.

- Let's win it all, Barts.
- Let's win this ship, Yorkie.

So, from now on,

you're supposed
to call the police

when you got worm pickers
on the property, and not 911.

Good?

Now that's the business.

Except for that,
anything pressing?

- And she's back to choring.
- One moment!

Or should I say motion.

McMurray, how are ya now?

- Good n' you?
- Not so bad.

Good.

- I will speak candidly here.
- Go ahead, baby.

Everybody's listening.
Everybody loves you.

All right. The goings on

from last week's
emergency meeting

left me some terrible upset.
Some terrible upset.

Oh, yeah, the ass pisses
all goddamn week,

- that's all I know.
- This is true.

I have had the ass pisses,

also known as p'zazz.

He's been making the weakest
cocksucking gin and tonics

I ever goddamn had.

All of these events combined

have brought me
to one conclusion.

I, McMurray, motion
something must be done.

Something has to be done.

A proper election
must take place,

whereby both Wayne and I
campaign for a week

to see who will be president
of the Agricultural Hall.

I second that motion.
I love it when you motion.

I love you, too, baby.
Your motion.

All right.
Jimmy Dickskin, do your thing.

Dickins.

Well, that's exactly
what I said.

Have at her, Dickskin.

All those in favor

of a one-week
election period,

give me one hand up,
can we get a one-dollar bill,

one hand,
we're looking at two.

Two hands up, give me two,
we're looking at three,

three hands up,
getting to three.

We got three over here,
we're looking at four.

Four hands up,
we're looking at four.

Four over here,
now we're looking at five.

Can I get a five-dollar bill,
five over here,

now we're looking at
six dollar, can I get a six?

Six over here,
now can I get a...

Hands up, baby, hands up!

Give me your heart, give me...

Sold! Majority rules.

Election awarded to McMurray.

Get on. Get on.
Ride that pony.

Ride it. All right.

- Oh!
- Good girl. Good girl.

All right, we knew
justice would be served.

Well, see you
next week, big boy.

That's a good pinch.

You still got the p'zazz?

It's not shit,
it's a blister from choring.

Put her there.

Have it as you like.
Get your stuff, baby.

Let's hit the road.

I wouldn't go in there
if I was you.

- Why is she standing outside?
- Don't know.

Why are you
standing outside, Bonnie?

They crop dusted inside.

- We crop dusted inside.
- Super.

I crop dusted
on the way over here, too.

- Did you?
- I did.

- Very cool.
- I know.

- And you're single. How?
- I hate everyone.

- Especially you.
- Couldn't tell.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Guess I have work to do then.

You don't know what work is.

You sure do, entertaining
two hockey players

- at the same time.
- Do what you love

and you'll never work
a day in your life.

- Hmm, that's clever.
- Isn't it?

- I see what you did there.
- I smell what you did there.

It's clear now, Katy.
You can come in.

Yeah, why don't
you go in, Katy?

This has been a lot of fun.

- Has been? Still is.
- Oh...

Fuck off, is what I meant.
We're busy.

- You're busy?
- Very.

Busy ripping farts
in coordinated outfits

- at the dollar store.
- What of it?

- Shut up, Roald.
- Then what?

Are you gonna steal some bikes

and ghost ride them
into the river?

- How did she know that?
- Shut up, Roald.

Maybe you could even find
a new spot to rip farts in,

in coordinated outfits.

You know,
if you're not too busy.

- Oh, we have other spots!
- Roald!

Who's the genius behind these
coordinated outfits, anyways?

Well, actually
if you are interested...

Just kidding,
I don't give a fuck.

Nice to see you, buddy.

Don't listen to her, Devon.

They wanted you
to go to law school.

Shut up, Roald!

Devon! Devon!

- How are ya now?
- Spanking!

Not so bad.

Are you the creator
of Fartbook?

I am the sole creator
of Fartbook!

Cocksucking love that
Fartbook, that's all I know.

- Thank you.
- Good farts.

Now listen,
I'm running against Wayne

for the presidency
of the Ag Hall

and was wondering
if I could commission you,

and him, too, to make us
a sort of a campaign video.

You are running against Wayne.

Cocksucking right, he is.

Hurting Wayne hurts Katy.
Hurting Katy hurts Stewart.

It can be done
and it will be done!

Make it stop. Make it stop.

Okay. Okay. All right.

So, look, whatever...
Whatever is good.

I just wanted to know that
we're on the same page,

all right?
I want it to be a sort of a...

Like a good old...

Smear campaign.

- What's that?
- It's when you run ads

suggesting negative things
about your opponents.

- For what purpose?
- To make yourself look good

by making
your opponent look bad.

Oh, if you got
nothing good to say,

you shouldn't
say nothing at all.

You must acknowledge
the appetite for negativity

in today's world.

The misfortune of others,
it's become sustenance.

You must evolve
from your primitive thinking.

Do you remember the band
Primitive Radio Gods?

Had that one really good song?
Bet it's on iTunes.

I hear McMurray
has commissioned Devon et al,

to make a video
for his campaign.

- I suggest you follow suit.
- What sort of video?

A spectacle,
pure adrenaline, Babylonian.

You're spare parts, bud.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna go into town,
mow some lawns.

Give people one less chore
to do this week.

Seems more productive
than name-calling.

You wanna know what?
The dog's in the barn,

if you wanna go
hurl some insults.

You can get your sustenance.
He won't know

what the fuck
you're talking about anyway.

Have a good one.

Have it your way,
shirt-tucker!

What is Devon up to?

I'm Devon, the director.

Okay. Brown guy here.

Asian woman here.

Native man here.

Gail... Please.

And the whites over there.

As you know, the purpose
of this cinematic experience

is to influence voters.

And we'll do that by reaching

as many ethnicities
as possible

with our message
about Wayne, which is...

He's just not ready.

- That's good.
- Right.

He's just not ready to be
president of the Ag Hall.

Um...

There aren't any ethnicities
on the Ag Hall board.

- But there will be.
- Okay, but why?

- Because it's 2015.
- It's not 2015.

And just to really hit home
this whole ethnicities thing,

brown guy, have you
ever seen The Simpsons?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

Need you to talk like Apu,
from the Kwik-E-Mart?

Asian woman, have you
ever seen The Karate Kid?

Need you to talk
like Mr. Miyagi.

"Wax on!"

Native man... You're
pretty dialed in already.

Gail...

Where's my money, bitch?

Exactly.

And our whites are...

They're super-white,
so just be yourselves!

Thank you.

Where is our gay vote?

Tad Roald. Tad... Tad Roald!

They'd already put cheese
on it, but I picked it off.

Tad Roald was too shy
to be in our video,

but said he'd organize
our gay vote.

So where is our gay vote?

I am so sorry
that I'm late, you guys.

Crazy story.

My bike chain
flew right off my bike

but I happened to be
next to the ice cream truck.

So I picked myself up
a little sweet treat.

Ha.

It's hot out today,
don't you think, Devon?

- Whew!
- My... No, Glen, no.

- What?
- Modesty.

Mm. Disappointing.

Why does he have
his underwear on?

I don't know.

Where's my money, bitch?

You spit on me.

You're welcome. Hi, Roald.

As predicted,
Devon's made a video.

The song
by Primitive Radio Gods

is called Standing Outside
a Broken Phone Booth

with Money in My Hand.

And it is on iTunes.

Ah, you're not gonna
like this one bit.

I might like it one drill bit.

And the message is
you're just not ready.

- Ah, it doesn't sound so bad.
- Yes, it does!

So I won't like it
one bell pepper.

Watch!

Hmm.

Looks like we got good
goddamn candidates here,

- is all I know.
- Let's talk about Wayne.

All right. Under the part
that says experience,

it doesn't say anything
about ever being president

- of the Agricultural Hall?
- Hmm.

That's a hard no.

He'd be inheriting
a lot of problems.

- Letterkenny problems.
- He's a farmer.

But has anyone ever seen him
do any actual work?

Ah, hell, no.

I hear he's been
cutting people's lawns.

Like that will stop
the grass from growing?

Pitter-patter, let's get down
to the real issues here.

Being President of the Ag Hall
is not an entry level job.

How are ya now?
Not so qualified.

Can we really trust a man

who can't even be bothered
to wear a belt?

Hell to the nah-nah.

He's just not ready.

- He's just not ready.
- He's just not ready.

- He's just not ready.
- Nice hair, though.

- Nice ass.
- Hmm.

That's what I appreciates
about him.

He's just not ready!

Wayne for president
of the Ag Hall?

He's just not ready.

Oh, hell no.

Hmm.

There's a text from your mum.

Cream for your
anal fissures is in.

Wha...

It already
has 1,001 views.

Slightly concerning
on account of there only being

- 5,000 people in Letterkenny.
- We must respond posthaste.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

It's jumped 10 views
since we've been conversing!

1,011.

This thing's going viral.

There could be worse things,
Stewart.

I can beat Devon's view count.

I give you
my personal guarantee.

And when I do,

you won't have to sit through
McMurray's pointless,

purposeless, aimless, godless,
motherless, meetings anymore!

There's something in it
for both of us.

Now that's likely
the least concerning thing

on your hand, isn't it?

All actors are present.

- Wondrous!
- Why are they here?

Money talks.

He gave us 50 bucks.

It's like cutting
two-and-a-half lawns.

But we don't even
wanna be here, boys.

You cheated on us, boys.

Oh, pipe down,
Pete and Repeat.

You were both getting blowies
from your big city slams

the entire time.

Dude, who told her
about the blowies?

Who blew the whistle
on the blowies, bro?

You just did.

Oh, that's gutty, bro.

Shut the back door, bro.

Reilly and Jonesy, Katy,

are here to help us
secure the youth vote.

There aren't any youth voters
on the Ag Hall board.

- There will be.
- Why?

Because it's 2015!

It's not 2015.

Now, gentlemen,

since you are
such crafty vets

of the chirp-slash-beak
slash-carve game,

I've decided
to let you improvise.

- We're really good.
- Yeah.

Wayne, let's start with you.

Just, um, look
directly into the camera

and say something slanderous
about McMurray.

Kind of feels
like I should make sure

my own backyard's clean
before throwing junk

in someone else's.

He slandered you first.

What, so you think
if he goes jumps off a bridge,

I'm gonna, too? Figure it out.

Dan? Daryl?

Please help.

Reilly! Jonesy!

Let's see what you can do.

- Okay.
- Warm up?

- Yeah, warm up.
- Oh, sure.

Absolutely.

All right.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

- The tip of the tongue...
- Boys!

Katy?

Girls gone wild.

It's not complicated!

We want to slander McMurray
so Wayne can win the election

and I can beat
Devon's view count.

Now, let's try this.

Think about
your favorite actor

and try to channel them.

Who are your
favorite actors? Go!

Kevin Costner.

Keanu Reeves.

John Candy.

Chloe Sevigny.

It's easy.
Taylor Kitsch, boys.

Big Riggins himself.

You picked Big Riggins,

so I'll take Michael
Fassbender, bro.

Yeah. But if...

If Big Riggins,
if he's not available,

'cause he's my number one,

it's easy,
Chad Michael Murray, boys.

Big Riggins
is still my number one

but I love Chaz Michael, bro.

- One Tree Hill!
- Boom!

Go with Michael Fassbender.

- Try channeling that.
- Choose Big Riggins.

You know what?

Actors named Michael could
really reinvent themselves

if they change their names
to Spike, like uh,

Spike Fassbenders
or, uh, Spike Caine

or Spike J. Fox.

- Spike Buble.
- Chaz Spike Murray?

Oh, C. Spike Murray?

Let's try and stay on task!

Well, now it might
be kind of awkward,

might be kind of awkward
if actors named Richards

started going by Dick.

Right? Like Dick Gere.
Dick Pryor.

- Dick Dreyfuss...
- Lionel Dick.

Feel like Richard Simmons
probably prefers Dick.

Dude, he got fucking mad.

Well, looks like
she's back to cutting lawns.

All those for Wayne

resuming presidency
of the Ag Hall...

Can I get a one vote here?
We got one over here...

Now can I get a two?
Two-dollar bill...

Two over here
now can I get a three...

Looking at three,
three over here,

now can I get a four?
Looking for a four...

Wayne for President for four?

No four. Three for Wayne.

Those for McMurray reclaiming
presidency of the Ag Hall,

can I get a one vote here,
looking for one-dollar bill.

We got one over here,
one over here!

Now can I get a two,

looking for a two,
two over here!

Now can I get a three,
looking at a three?

Three over here,
we're looking at three,

can I get a four,
looking for a four.

Four over here,
now can I get a five?

Five-dollar bill,
looking for a five.

Five over here,
now can I get a six?

Six dollars,
looking for a six,

six over here!
Now can I get a seven?

Seven right here, you can
tell by the way he uses

his walk he's a woman's man.

Sold! Majority rules.

Presidency awarded
to McMurray.

Come on, baby. Come here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay. You gotta act classy.
Now you're the First Lady.

McMurray, Mrs. McMurray, congratulations.

Thanks, Wayne.

P'zazz is all cleared up
and everything.

I'm back to my old self again.

- Glad to hear. Best of luck.
- Appreciate it.

Let's go get a couple
of cocksucking G&Ts,

that's what I always say.

Okay, girl, let's do it.

Sorry, I couldn't vote
for you, Wayne.

Your video
really threw me off.

Thanks for cutting
my lawn, though.

I'll return the favor one day.

Good enough, Jim.

Stewart's YouTube page.

McMurray's a piece of shit.

McMurray's a piece of shit?

Why would I say
McMurray's a piece of shit?

All right,
he's a piece of shit.

- Hello?
- Yo.

- What's up, B?
- Nothing. Chilling.

- What's up with you?
- McMurray's a piece of shit.

True.

What's up?

What up?

- Yo, who's that?
- Yo, pick up the phone.

What up?

What's up?

What up?

Ahh...

McMurray's a piece of shit.

Message approved by Wayne.

Fuck a duck.

I mean, this is no fun, boys.

Team No-Fun, boys.

We gotta start giving
it back to them

or they're just gonna fucking
walk all over us, buddy.

Yeah, but where
do we start, buddy?

What the fuck is that, boys?

Yo, you leave the house
like that, buddy?

- What's the problem, Schmelt?
- You got a fucking bush, bud.

You got a bush, bud.

Who's the bush inspector
around here, boys?

Bush inspector's
sleeping on shift, boys.

On our junior team it's
a five-dollar fine every game

and praccy 'til she's shaved
down to the wood, boys.

Hey, get that hedge hog
off your tummy stick, bud.

You're fucking gross, bud.

Looks like we got a couple
of cock-lookers, Yorkie.

Of course, the Schmelts like
a good cock-look, Barts.

Oh, yeah,
I fucking cock-looked

'cause your junk's
a fucking car crash

and you can't look away.

I cock-looked 'cause your
junk's a fucking strobe light.

I can see it
with my eyes closed!

So you were cock-looking.

They just admitted
they cock-looked.

Well, I cock-looked

'cause your junk's a fucking
welding flame, buddy.

You look directly at it

and your fucking retinas
getting burned.

I cock-looked because
your junk's a fucking child

walking in on his parents.
Once you see it,

it cannot be unseen.

All this time cock-looking

could be better spent
doing legs.

More legs,
less cock-looking, Schmelts.

I fucking skipped
leg day, boys.

Fuck leg day, boys!

You are woefully uninformed,
aren't you?

- How?
- I said I would beat Devon's

view count,
not win you the election.

And guess what?
I did beat Devon's view count.

- Look.
- Oh, I don't give a care.

I've been contacted
by Budweiser and Carl's Jr.

over copyright infringements,

but I don't think
they're serious.

You wanna know what?

McMurray's meetings
are a bit painful,

but not sure
that's good enough reason

to get into politics.

- They're all crooks.
- Every one of them.

Now run along, Stewart,

before I get bored
of behaving.

Well, I guess
she's off to chore.

Been busy cutting

other people's
fucking lawns all week.

Jim Dickins. How're ya now?

It's Dicks... Nope,
you got it right that time.

- Good n' you?
- Not so bad.

I said I'd return the favor
for cutting the lawn.

I figured there's no time
like the present.

Can we give you a hand
with anything?