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1
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:12,303
Got a bit banged up after work
the other day...
2
00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:15,640
Did you get that stump
out of the ground today?
3
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,851
I already told you.
Dary and I are
doing it Friday.
4
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,644
You never told me that.
Did too.
5
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:21,187
You gotta tell her
more than once.
6
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,689
She's a woman, not a robot.
7
00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:25,150
In all fairness, Dary,
that's a two-way street.
8
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:28,069
(DAN FARTS)
9
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:31,406
You know what Dad would say...
Plant the corn. Get her goin'.
10
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:33,241
So, how are you
gonna do it?
11
00:00:33,324 --> 00:00:36,453
Well, Questions McGarrity over
here, we chain it up and yank
it out like a loose tooth.
12
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:38,246
(DAN FARTS)
13
00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:41,332
So, what are you
gonna chain it up to?
14
00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,917
My van.
WAYNE: Won't do.
15
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,836
DARYL: Why?
'Cause that might be a little
too punk rock, Dary.
16
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:47,756
What's wrong with my van?
More than a coat of paint.
17
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:48,631
Go on.
More than
two coats of paint.
18
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,176
Get after it.
Rear end differential.
19
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,677
Front end differential.
Alternator. Battery.
20
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,763
Doesn't matter.
She'll perform.
21
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,890
Well, fucking measure twice,
cut once then, bud.
22
00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,349
You said yesterday,
it could win
a demolition derby.
23
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:02,103
No I never.
I said yesterday it was fit
for a demolition derby.
24
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,230
No you never.
Ain't no reason
to get excited.
25
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,774
It's not what you said.
You better settle down
over there
26
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,442
or I'm gonna come
talk to you...
27
00:01:07,525 --> 00:01:09,694
You know what, there's two
things I don't like about you,
and it's your face.
28
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,488
There's one thing
you're not gonna like about
your own face.
29
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,156
That's when I come over there
and give it the beats.
30
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:16,284
You boys ever had
a peanut butter sandwich?
31
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,744
You're one end.
32
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:19,162
You're the other end.
33
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:22,332
Stick you's together and
you're just stuck.
34
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:25,794
Really scraping the bottom
of the yoghurt cup for that
nugget of wisdom, aren't you?
35
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:28,379
You appreciate
my metaphors, Katy.
36
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:29,506
That's what I appreciate
about you.
37
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,008
Is that what you appreciate
about me?
38
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:36,054
Stake about five to 10% offer
over there squarely down.
Yeah. No. Huh?
39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,431
So any other insights for us?
40
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,768
Uh...
(DAN FARTS AGAIN)
41
00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:47,065
Heck! You wouldn't mind
a quick heads up from a fella
42
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,358
who's about
to steam press his Calvins.
43
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:51,319
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
44
00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:01,788
And that's your lesson
for today, folks,
farts always win.
45
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,706
That right there
was an air biscuit.
46
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,168
That was a real ass flapper,
if I do say so, myself.
47
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,920
Some fine colon bowling.
48
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,256
Some real rectal turbulence.
49
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,008
Wayne, you gonna
weigh in on this?
50
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,344
Well there's nothing
better than a fart.
51
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:19,848
Except kids falling off
bikes maybe. Fuck, I could
watch kids fall off bikes
52
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,307
all day.
I don't give a shit
about your kids.
53
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,809
I wish Gail could hear
that fart.
54
00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,311
I've got a couple pals who'd
appreciates it too.
55
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:30,316
Wouldn't it be kinda neat
if you could like,
catalog your farts?
56
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,821
What for?
57
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:38,241
Well, I feel like
if other people could hear
that crack splitter
58
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,660
it could have
a positive impact
on their lives.
59
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:43,162
That may be the nicest thing
everybody has ever
said about me.
60
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,500
You should be able to
keep track of and record
your farts.
61
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,420
And your friends' farts.
62
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,046
Like Facebook?
63
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:53,965
Exactly like a Facebook.
64
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:57,802
Just like...
65
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,430
MEN: Fartbook.
66
00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,267
(DAN FARTS)
67
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,980
Step one, we got to
builds us a website.
68
00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:10,982
How are we gonna
fuck that pig?
69
00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,150
I guess we gots
to calls up
the internets.
70
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:15,194
Oh, yeah? You got a phone
number for the internet, Dan?
71
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,655
Well, I'm pretty sure they
added me on Skypes
a while back,
72
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:18,656
I mean, I gots to check
my emails.
73
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,783
Outstanding.
Well, I have an idea,
74
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,662
it's gonna chap a few asses
but,
75
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,832
there's a fella we know
right here in town who can
builds us a websites
76
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:30,293
so we don't even have
to calls up the internets,
you know.
77
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,587
Skip that middle man.
Right, we'll skip
the middle man.
78
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:34,923
Who is... The internet.
79
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,633
Who is it, Dan?
Um, Stewart.
80
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,468
Hard no.
81
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:40,929
You gots a better idea?
82
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:43,514
Better than going into
business with a meth head?
One or two.
83
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:48,061
Now hold your good goddamn
horses here, let's put it
to a vote, those for...
84
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,605
Those against...
Get real.
85
00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:53,191
Then she's bought
and paid for.
Two against one.
86
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:58,863
So, driving Pete's family's
out of town, he had a bit
of a Texas Hold'em Tournament.
87
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,740
And I went over there
with my second-cousins.
88
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:01,908
Who, Garrett?
And Jarrett.
89
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:05,536
Well, Pete gets all
liquored up. Long story short,
90
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,622
me and the cousins,
just standing there
in the kitchen
91
00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:10,208
having a beer watching
Pete hang a piss
down his own basement stairs.
92
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:14,963
Then he turns the cock on
himself, pisses all over
his goddamn chest.
93
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:17,382
Then he falls down his own
piss-soaked stairs.
94
00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,716
What are you gonna do?
It's like, "Hey, it's your
fucking house!"
95
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,177
But also, "Fuck!
It's your house."
96
00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:23,221
(STEWART CLEARS THROAT)
97
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,349
So it's Facebook...
98
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:27,225
But for farts?
99
00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,143
That's right.
100
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:36,943
Cartoonish. We're in.
101
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:38,569
But, drop the "The."
102
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,905
Just, Fartbook.
It's cleaner.
103
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,198
There was never a "The."
104
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,616
And we want 30%.
105
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,076
Of what?
106
00:04:45,159 --> 00:04:45,910
Amateurs.
107
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,578
Money, generated from
the site!
108
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,080
We are not gonna
be making any money
off the site.
109
00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:50,623
Yes, we will.
110
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,792
Once we get enough members
playing the butt trumpet,
111
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,378
we will sell ad space
and make a fortune.
112
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:59,632
Now, let's talk about
marketing.
113
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,801
Who should we target to buy
ad space on Fartbook?
114
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,971
Indian food. Greek food.
Asian noodle soups.
What about ring tones?
115
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,141
Instead of putting
your phone on silent,
you put in on silent...
116
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:09,267
But deadly.
117
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,268
You are an idiot.
118
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:11,102
He's a...
119
00:05:11,185 --> 00:05:11,894
Wait.
120
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,312
You're an idiot.
121
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,607
Is geo-stamping farts
a good idea?
122
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,484
Of course it is.
Popcorn, fart location,
movie theater.
123
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:21,070
That's information
I's wants to know!
124
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,114
No.
Why not?
125
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:25,575
'Cause it's too complicated.
It's like algebra.
126
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,659
Why you gotta put numbers
and letters together?
127
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,245
Why can't you just go
fuck yourself?
128
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,165
The kids will fucking
love that shit.
129
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:34,834
Yeah, you know what else
kids love, keys.
(KEYS JINGLING)
130
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:38,087
Dangling in front
of their faces.
They fucking love it.
131
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,255
Fine.
132
00:05:39,922 --> 00:05:41,883
No ads then.
133
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:43,468
Shake on 30%.
134
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:45,803
Anything down the road
will be negotiated
in good faith.
135
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,231
Beggars can't
be choosers.
136
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,609
(GRUNTING)
Meritorious!
137
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,195
Give us...24 hours.
138
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,823
Eduardo.
We're ranking farts.
139
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,785
I need the algorithm.
I need the algorithm.
140
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,834
How are you now?
Hey.
141
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:19,003
Not too bad.
Good, and you?
Huh?
142
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,175
Oh.
143
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,144
Gentlemen.
144
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,980
Fartbook.
145
00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:47,281
DARYL: I don't...
146
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:48,366
I... I just...
147
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,701
What's wrong with you?
148
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,830
Seeing it all come together...
Sort yourself out.
149
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,999
Here's what we've done.
I am, at this point,
150
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,127
the only member
of Fartbook.
151
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,671
Each member will be able to
upload three farts.
152
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:04,882
Each member will post
a picture to their farts.
153
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:08,219
Members will then be allowed
to friend request each other
and accumulate audiences for
154
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:11,347
their farts.
155
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,892
For example...
(IMITATING DRUM ROLL)
156
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:18,563
My profile.
157
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:23,276
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
158
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,413
WAYNE: Wanna know, that's...
159
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,624
That's mint.
160
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,586
Like the...
Little bull snort there
in the middle there, Stewart.
161
00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:43,963
I really like the placement
of the fizzler at the end.
162
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:44,881
Thank you.
163
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,301
Now, shall we sign
one of you up?
Oh!
164
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:51,971
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me.
Me. Me. Me. Me...
165
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,765
Daryl.
Oh, fuck. Shit. Cunt. Fuck...
166
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,186
Wait a sec. Can I go eat a can
of Chef Boyardee?
Oh! No times.
167
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,605
I can farts on command.
168
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,731
(CHUCKLING)
(GRUNTING)
169
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:03,566
Okay?
170
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:04,358
Mmm-mmm.
171
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,319
DAN: Ready.
172
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:08,946
Ahem, I recommend recording
through a professional
studio mic
173
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:13,701
but the internal
computer mic
will work for now.
174
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,662
Okay, Dan.
175
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:16,829
STEWART: Ready?
176
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:23,586
Go.
177
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,171
(DAN FARTING)
178
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,842
Oh, very nice.
179
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:31,469
Boy howdy.
180
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,721
Onto the second one.
181
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,139
STEWART: Go.
182
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,016
(DAN FARTING)
183
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,352
That was a winner.
184
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,728
DARYL: Really nice work, Dan.
185
00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:41,854
Really nice work, Dan.
186
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,522
Fuck, is this awkward.
187
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,316
Onto number three.
188
00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,400
(GRUNTS)
189
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,944
(SHORT FART)
190
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,488
No, no, no.
I can do better.
I wants to go again.
191
00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:53,616
No, I think you should
keep it.
192
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,826
DARYL: No one likes a fart
that sounds too staged.
193
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:58,162
Do you wanna know what?
He's right.
194
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,040
Like that person who just
happens to have burst out
laughing in every group photo
195
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:03,251
they're in?
196
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,710
Like the camera just happened
to catch that magic moment
197
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:08,839
in every single one.
That like, "Say cheese."
198
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,517
You're not fooling me, bud.
199
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,603
Nope.
200
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,272
If you think, if you think
it's a good idea...
201
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,231
It's a good spread there.
Like...
202
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:27,191
It's a good spread.
203
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:28,901
STEWART: I suggest we, um,
204
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,028
send it out
to a test audience,
before it goes live.
205
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,989
Um...
206
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,199
Get some feedback.
Iron out the bugs.
207
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,450
Suggestions?
208
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,910
Gail. Duh...
209
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:39,662
What about the Ginger?
210
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,081
Mmm...
What about Boots?
211
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,792
Oh, mmm, the Ginger...
212
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,669
You guys...
213
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,921
Ever heard anything about
that guy fucking an ostrich?
214
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:53,009
I heard it was Boots who
fucked the ostrich.
No.
215
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,218
The Ginger
fucked an ostrich.
216
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,470
Allegedly.
Let's see...
217
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,015
It'd take more than one guy
to fuck an ostrich.
218
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,976
You think they were
both there?
219
00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:04,186
Like, Boots held down
the ostrich?
220
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,730
WAYNE: I suppose...
221
00:10:06,605 --> 00:10:09,358
If you really wanted to get
to the bottom of it...
222
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,527
We could find someone,
223
00:10:11,610 --> 00:10:12,945
someone who farms ostriches.
224
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:15,865
Who might know
225
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,160
how they get fucked.
226
00:10:23,622 --> 00:10:25,833
I don't think we need
to invite them, though.
227
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:26,834
We should get the hockey
players in on this.
228
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,794
Those d-gens would lap
this right up.
229
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,922
Maybe get Glen.
Get the Christians on board.
230
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:36,177
Agreed. And we should also get
Katy into the fracas.
I'll talk to her.
231
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,721
The fuck you will.
Wondrous.
232
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:39,555
You talk to her, then.
233
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,850
We reconvene back here
in 24 hours.
234
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,520
(FARTING SOUNDS)
235
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,649
Yeah...
(GROANING)
236
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,151
(FARTS)
237
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,070
(FARTS)
238
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:54,737
(FARTING CONTINUES)
239
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:57,948
Oh, yes.
(FARTING)
240
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:00,868
Go.
241
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:03,245
(FARTING)
242
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,289
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
243
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,335
(CAT FARTING)
244
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:13,673
Hey, has Katy liked
any of your farts on Fartbook?
245
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,299
No, you?
246
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:17,385
Huh.
No. Huh.
247
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,846
(BOTH PANTING)
248
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,267
We got a problem.
249
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,604
We need to talk to Gail.
250
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,189
(GRUNTING) Gail.
251
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,069
How are you now?
252
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:38,239
Good and you?
Not so bad.
253
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:42,701
Gail, we've summoned
you here today to talk
about your Fartbook profile.
254
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,578
Okay.
Let's listen.
255
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,459
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
256
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,802
Everything about that
so right.
Wrong.
257
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,096
You've attached messages
to each of your farts.
258
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:05,182
For example,
259
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,686
send this fart to ten people
or you will have bad sex
for the rest of your life.
260
00:12:08,769 --> 00:12:11,147
But see, I had just got that
message from someone else.
261
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,859
So it's like, if I didn't
send it, then I'd be stuck
having bad shaboink forever.
262
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:19,363
And I enjoy a horizontal
refreshment for my
vertical smile
263
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,657
too goddamn much
to take that risk.
264
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,701
It's called spamming, Gail.
265
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,495
Never heard it called that.
Heard it called spunking
one or two times...
266
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,915
No. Sending annoying messages
to people
267
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,501
who have not requested it
is called spamming.
268
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,794
Okay.
269
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,713
And it's annoying.
270
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:38,007
No. No. No.
Yes. Yes.
271
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,801
If you continue
to misuse Fartbook,
272
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,220
we'll have
to suspend
your membership.
273
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,930
Suspend my membership?
274
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,475
Why don't you suspend
my fist in your ass,
you little fuck.
275
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,810
If you ever threaten me
like that again,
I'll spread your cheeks
276
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,730
and I'll feed you
a Kentucky Klondike Bar,
you little twat.
277
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:56,025
I'll drop an Alabama Hot
Pocket in your
deuce maker, Charlie.
278
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,905
I'll fuckin' land shark your
shit house so fast
279
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:04,533
you'll be crying
for your mother,
you fucking asshole.
280
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,160
GAIL: Fuck you, Stewart.
281
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:09,830
You drop deuces in every
orifice of your body,
you fuckhead!
282
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,499
Tear you into a Pop-Tart!
283
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,459
GAIL: And then I will...
284
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:16,170
We've got another problem.
285
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,255
STEWART: Where's Katy?
286
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,549
What?
STEWART: Katy.
287
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,719
We've summoned you here today
to talk about your
Fartbook profile.
288
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:25,679
Super.
Let's listen.
289
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,393
(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)
290
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,156
Problem?
Those are cat farts.
291
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,409
Right.
You've got a picture of your
cat under each of your farts.
292
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,411
It's not my cat.
It's just a barn cat.
293
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,332
I seen a coon having sex
with a barn cat on top
of my truck one time, fuck.
294
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,668
What's the nature of
that, David Suzuki?
295
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:59,338
No one cares
about your
cat's farts.
296
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,632
But look how cute they are.
297
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:04,552
Not to be impolite,
but you're the only one
who thinks so.
298
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,387
Everybody whose
got a cat or a kid,
299
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:11,308
is going to think their cat's
or kid's farts are
super special and unique.
300
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:14,520
They're not.
They are just a cat
or a kid fart.
301
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:19,024
In addition, you've been
updating new farts
from your cat almost hourly.
302
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,278
Oh, that's because there's
so many cute farts.
Like I can't even keep up.
303
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,488
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
304
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:31,161
JONESY: Katy! What
is this fucking gong show?
305
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,372
We're supposed to be napping
right now, boys.
306
00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:35,082
What?
We are at home.
307
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:38,961
In the middle of
a 'Chel tournament
with big dingers in...
308
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:42,840
When we see you've been liking
all this duster's farts
on Fartbook.
309
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,425
And none of this
beauty's farts.
310
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:47,720
And not one
of this grain fed,
311
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:53,267
USDA certified,
100% non-animal
tested, organic beauty.
312
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:54,602
Not one.
You're welcome.
Thanks, buddy.
313
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,353
So?
314
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,480
So he's gonna think
you wanna fucking wheel him.
315
00:14:58,564 --> 00:14:59,648
He's gonna think that
you wanna turn on the jets.
316
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,858
Because I like
his farts?
317
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,860
Yes.
318
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:06,363
I'm just pushing a button.
It doesn't mean anything.
319
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,491
What the fuck
are you looking at,
you fuckin' pilon?
320
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:11,452
Fucking vampire...
321
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:12,328
Pipe down, idiots.
322
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,912
Get in the house.
323
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,914
Now.
324
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,167
(GROWLS)
I'm gonna get you,
you fuckin' pheasant!
325
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,836
We're comin' phezzy!
326
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,004
(CHUCKLES)
Guys.
327
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,049
Boy, you're havin'
quite a day, Super-chief.
328
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,467
(SIGHS)
329
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,927
We've got
another problem.
330
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,056
Where's Glen?
331
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:36,894
Daryl, Rage Monkeys.
Daniel. Wayne.
332
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,937
We've summoned you
here today to talk to you
about your Fartbook profile.
333
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:42,024
Allons-y.
334
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,401
You have no photos
and no farts
335
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,987
but are friends
with everyone along
for the test drive.
336
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,323
Hmm. I'm not friends
with everyone.
337
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:52,868
I'm not friends
with Wayne yet.
But I wanna be.
338
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:56,497
It seems as though
you were just cruising
through Fartbook
339
00:15:56,580 --> 00:16:00,668
liking and commenting
on everyone's farts but
contributing nothing yourself.
340
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,503
(WHISPERS) Nothing.
341
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,172
I am as God made me.
342
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:08,759
Blessed with a very healthy
gastro-intestinal system.
343
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,135
Not super farty.
344
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,388
What you're doing
is called creeping.
345
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,223
Not what Fartbook
is all about.
346
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,849
I genuinely enjoy farts.
347
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:18,686
You can't just go around
creeping other people's farts.
348
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:20,688
What the truck
is wrong with that?
349
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:24,525
If you continue
to misuse Fartbook,
350
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:25,776
we'll have to suspend
your membership.
351
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:29,113
Fine. Fine.
352
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,781
Fluff you then.
353
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,282
I have millions...
354
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,993
(CHUCKLES) And I mean,
millions of ways
of hearing unlimited farts.
355
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,621
We're done here, Glen.
356
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,456
Are we though?
357
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,922
Are we?
358
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:57,391
I think we should
pump the brakes on Fartbook.
359
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,601
That's a Texas-size 10-4.
Why?
360
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,312
It's kicking up
too much dust.
361
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:05,607
We haven't even gotten into it
and already folks
are gettin' chapped asses.
362
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,192
Well, that's their problem.
Not ours.
363
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,028
This is our problem.
364
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:13,866
We started Fartbook so that
good folks could share farts
with other good folks.
365
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,033
That's it.
366
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,162
Not to creepin' farts,
or spam farts...
367
00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,372
Although, if you eat spam,
you'll get good farts.
368
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,250
Farts should never come
between the love of a man
and a woman.
369
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:26,712
It's not right.
You don't get
to 500 million farts
370
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:28,547
without making a few sharts.
371
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,424
Exactly.
372
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:31,842
So, what are you saying?
373
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:37,389
Fartbook dies today.
374
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,267
Today, Fartbook is dead.
375
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,187
Oh. You think so?
376
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,980
I'm with the fellas
on this one.
377
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:46,732
It's not why
we invented it.
(SCOFFS)
378
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,067
You invented it?
379
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,569
Our idea.
380
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,696
We built the site.
381
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:59,203
You know, you really
don't need a forensics team
to get to the bottom of this.
382
00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:02,706
If you were
the inventors of Fartbook,
you'd have invented Fartbook.
383
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:05,459
Hold your horses there.
Let's put this to a vote.
384
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,005
Those for closing down
Fartbook, raise your hands.
385
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,051
Those against?
386
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,638
But we own 30 percent.
387
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:20,849
This isn't fair!
(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
388
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,270
If you want
to sit on our backs
and call yourselves tall,
389
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,272
you have every right to do so.
390
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,484
But don't think that
we're gonna sit here and
enjoy listening to you lie.
391
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,277
You have a bit
of our attention,
392
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,196
you have the smallest bit
of our attention.
393
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,697
When did we ask
for your attention?
394
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,825
The rest of our attention
is back at the offices
of Fartbook,
395
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,369
where my friends
and I are doing things
that no one on this farm,
396
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,954
especially and including
you idiots,
397
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,581
are intellectually,
creatively, artistically,
398
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,167
emotionally, or spiritually
capable of doing.
399
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,168
Have I adequately answered
your condescending question?
400
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,128
What question?
401
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,296
(SCREAMS) Farts!
402
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,715
You better lawyer up, asshole,
403
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,885
because I'm not
coming back
for 30 percent,
404
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,887
I'm coming back
for everything.
405
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:03,809
I...
406
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,103
I don't know
what happened just now.
407
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,314
(WHIMPERING)
408
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,946
(WHISPERING)
No... No...
409
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:23,036
DAN: You know, I've been
thinking about Fartbook...
410
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,038
What about it, bigshits?
411
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,083
DAN: I think maybe
we pulled the cord too quick
on that, you parachute.
412
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,794
I miss it too,
three-point shoes.
413
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:33,547
I was on there a lot.
414
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:35,507
Too much, likely.
415
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,092
I was always checking it.
416
00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:38,594
It was very addicting.
417
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:42,514
Except, did you ever really
stop to think about one thing,
did you?
418
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,850
Rippin' farts
into your computer
doesn't exactly
419
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:47,019
spike the likelihood
of having sex with girls.
420
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,729
STEWART: Hey!
421
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,981
(BOTH PANTING)
422
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,652
Hey! Hey!
423
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,655
Not now. Need 20 minutes.
STEWART: Okay.
424
00:19:58,739 --> 00:19:59,823
Just wanted to let you know
that Glen stole our website.
425
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,535
It's been live
for more than 36 hours.
426
00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:04,995
Hey! Hey! Fuck it!
427
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:10,459
WAYNE: (EXCLAIMS)
Oh! Fuck's sake.
Jesus!
428
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,338
(GROANS)
Fucking sort
yourselves out.
429
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,612
GLEN: Cheese and rice.
430
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:41,907
I can't remember the last time
five men came in this church
so aggressively.
431
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,035
Or can I?
432
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,037
You stole our idea.
Hmm...
433
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,665
Are you referring
to Christian Fart Mingle?
434
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:50,666
What's that?
435
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:53,126
It's like Christian Mingle,
but for farts.
436
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,544
DARYL: We asked your help
with our idea
437
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,463
and you went behind our backs
and stole'd it.
438
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,006
(STUTTERING)
I didn't... Excuse...
Oh, my God.
439
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:03,720
Those are some hairy
allegations you are firing,
at my face.
440
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:07,474
All your allegations...
All of them, completely
fricken' false. Baseless.
441
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,309
How?
442
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:10,519
Stewart, I did not
steal anything.
443
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:12,896
Because the last time
I checked,
444
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:16,191
taking advantage
of a growing trend
was not stealing.
445
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,360
What trend?
I'll tell you.
446
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,820
But first, let's sing a hymn.
No.
447
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:21,613
No.
Fine.
448
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:24,199
Look, y'all had
a good idea, all right?
449
00:21:24,282 --> 00:21:26,201
You had a terrific idea.
Congratulations.
450
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:29,997
But did you actually think
you were the only ones
in the world to have it?
451
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,709
What are you talking about?
452
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,129
I'm talking about
Fart culture, Stewart.
It's all the rage.
453
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,755
It's everywhere.
454
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,717
You know...
Nothing...
455
00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:43,468
Glen will show you.
456
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,721
Ever heard of Plenty of Farts?
457
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:49,099
I've heard of Plenty of Fish.
458
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:52,269
It's very much like that,
except for farts.
459
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:54,062
Here. Here's the one
I like the best.
460
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,523
It's called Fart Filter.
461
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:59,359
And I like it because you can
put different filters on all
of your farts and it's fun.
462
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:00,861
So, yeah, I'll just
show you how it works.
463
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,030
This one, no filter. Nothing.
464
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,157
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
465
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,703
Who cares? Not Glen, right?
466
00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:13,540
Vanilla. Pedestrian...
I'm not interested.
467
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:17,044
However, shove that baby
through the Hudson filter...
468
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,046
What's she gonna sound like?
469
00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:21,048
(FART SCALING UPWARD)
470
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:23,550
Now there's a renovation.
471
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:27,262
Now suck on
your Sutro filter...
472
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,264
(DISTORTED FART RECORDING)
473
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:32,809
(EXCLAIMS)
474
00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:34,936
Now boys, because
I'm feeling generous,
475
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,855
and we're in the Lord's house,
I'm gonna play you
476
00:22:36,938 --> 00:22:41,359
the filter that
I invented myself.
I call it...
477
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:44,071
Valencia.
478
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,823
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
479
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:55,499
Wow.
480
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:58,043
There is a whole site
devoted to gluten-free farts.
481
00:22:58,126 --> 00:22:59,711
The point is,
it's out there, boys.
482
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:03,298
It's happened.
The idea lives in the world.
483
00:23:03,381 --> 00:23:05,759
Y'all are too slow.
Slow on the uptake.
484
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:08,136
Sad story. Boo-hoo. Toot-toot!
485
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:09,638
Go away.
(HOARSELY) Let's go.
486
00:23:10,597 --> 00:23:12,682
GLEN: Sad face, sad face,
angry face.
487
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,521
(FART RECORDING PLAYING)
488
00:23:21,775 --> 00:23:22,651
Better slow down there,
Big-shoots.
489
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:25,070
Tomorrow's gonna be
a great day for hay.
490
00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:27,656
If you can be a man at night,
you can be a man
in the morning.
491
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,158
Wayne, how come you
didn't join Fartbook?
492
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:33,328
'Cause you're not supposed
to fart in front of girls.
What?
493
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:36,706
There's certain things that
should stay sacred between
a man and a woman.
494
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:40,001
So, all things considered,
this whole thing's
pretty fucking juvenile,
495
00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,044
if I do say so myself.
496
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:44,131
If she's always listening
to your ass acoustics,
497
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:45,674
or even worse,
smellin' 'em,
498
00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:49,010
I guarantee she'll be slower
and slower to crawl into bed
with you at night.
499
00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:51,429
What you just said
is outrageous.
500
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:52,973
No it isn't. It's true.
501
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:55,851
I don't wanna be smelling
a dude's ass all the time.
Get real.
502
00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:58,061
What are you?
Some kind of fart purist?
503
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:00,188
So what are you
supposed to do?
Just hold it in?
504
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:02,232
Or take a shit,
you fuckin' degenerate.
505
00:24:02,315 --> 00:24:03,692
Speaking of shit,
506
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,694
my second cousin's got IBS.
507
00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:07,529
Who, Garrett?
No, Jarett.
508
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:10,782
DAN: No.
IBS, the International
Business Solution?
509
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:14,744
IBS stands for
Irritable Bowel Syndromes.
510
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:18,540
Anyhoo, when he was a kid,Jackass comes out on the air,
511
00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:21,042
so it becomes real popular
in his high school,
512
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:24,546
for kids to start taking shits
in places what weren't meant
for taking shits in.
513
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,131
They calls that
guerrilla shittin'.
514
00:24:26,214 --> 00:24:27,549
Is this a true story?
515
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:29,718
So, he became real popular
with his friends,
516
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:33,263
with his ability to take
a shits any time he needed to.
517
00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:35,182
They'd call him up
when they get an idea
518
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:37,017
of a place that needed
a shits taken in,
519
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,728
and be like,
"Hey, why don't you comes
over here and takes a shits?"
520
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:42,397
Anyhow, this one time
his pal texts him up,
521
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,691
and he says, "Hey,
why don't you come take a
shits in the girls' bathroom?"
522
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:47,944
So, he drinks a coffee,
eats a bran muffin,
523
00:24:48,028 --> 00:24:49,613
heads on down
to the washroom there,
524
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,698
but when he opens
the bathroom door,
what does he find?
525
00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:52,824
But this pretty young girl
just dropping a shits,
526
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:55,702
right there
in the middle
of the bathroom floor.
527
00:24:55,785 --> 00:24:57,454
And that's how he met
his lovely Eunice.
528
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,123
And they fells in love,
and they've been together
ever since.
529
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,876
They raised
three little shits. So...
530
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:05,378
With all due respect,
Miss Katy,
531
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:10,008
there is a market
for gentlemens what can find
ladies who like, uh, farts,
532
00:25:10,091 --> 00:25:11,384
or shits,
or even guerrilla shittin's.
533
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:14,971
That is not a true story.
534
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,681
That is a true story.
535
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,433
God help us all.
536
00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:21,353
You know what, I don't know
why you guys need everybody
knowing your business anyway.
537
00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:24,397
Like why you gotta put
everything on the internet,
while you're doing it,
538
00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:26,775
or after you're done doing it?
539
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:28,526
Well, if you don't puts it
on the internet,
540
00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:29,861
how's gonna people know
what you did?
541
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:32,030
Do you wanna know what?
That's your problem
right there.
542
00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:34,532
Should be playing your cards
close to your chest.
543
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:37,118
Keep the ladies
guessin' a little bit.
Be the mystery man.
544
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:38,411
Right again.
545
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:40,747
Oh, if a woman's not gonna
love me for my farts
546
00:25:40,830 --> 00:25:42,791
or for me posting
my bowling scores
on the internet...
547
00:25:44,918 --> 00:25:46,294
Not really sure
I want one.
548
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,004
Well, then it's a good thing
you's two have each other.
549
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,386
(DAN FARTS)
550
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:56,972
(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)
42192
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