Original subtitles

On the long hot night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rail of

City.

We come from the sun to live in the coal I make, Miranda wants my coconut tree.

Let's keep the music street, wind up the western field.

Come on, ma 'am.

This is a bit optimistic for Christmas box, Ricky.

I think our customers will get the hint with it.

Seasons greetings to all our customers.

Dig deep.

Once I've decorated the shop, they won't be able to resist.

Yeah, I don't think this will get you a blue Peter badge, Ricky.

This puts me in mind of my childhood Christmases back in Guyana.

Making all our own decorations.

Helping me mother to bake the Christmas cake.

Making presents for our relatives.

Yeah, well, this was back in the days before M &F gift batches. Must have been

tough, eh?

Boom, boom, Sally.

What's that? A song?

Ricky, don't ask questions, mate. Let me encourage you.

Boom, boom, Sally used to lead the masquerade bands through the streets,

know, and everybody would be following, singing and dancing and drinking ginger

beer. Mm, sounds like a real terror house band party, doesn't it?

No, a guy in his Christmas is something to remember.

Same as an Ambrose Christmas, Ricky. As you'll see, won't he, Sean?

Yeah, listen, anyway, Mum, I have to ask you a favour.

No. Oh, good try, wrong answer.

It's what you're after, isn't it? And what makes you think that?

Your face when you opened that letter from your bank manager. I gather they

weren't sending you season's greetings.

No. Listen, I need a short -term loan.

£100? It's not a lot.

To the Queen, no.

I don't care, but I've already said yes.

To what?

Well, some friends of mine from uni asked me if I'd come with them to

for Christmas, and I said yes.

Sean, you mean you're not going to be at home on Christmas Day?

Well, come on now, give them the choice. I say Christmas in Tunisia beats

Christmas in Peckham any day. Providing you're getting £100 for being fair.

Cigar, Mrs Mosgrove?

Oh, super.

Mandy been filling you in on my bad habits, I see.

Mr Mosgrove?

I don't. Poor Robert can't abide to things, can you?

Personally, I can't think of a better way to end a good meal.

Four espressos and four large brandies. Good grief, you sound like a waitress,

Amanda. Well, she is a waitress, aren't you, Amanda?

Daddy, you know I'm a financial director of an art gallery.

Well, at least you're away from that bag.

I always said there's only room for one captain at the helm, and if it's not

you, abandon ship.

Absolutely. I threw the towel in on that waitressing job.

That was Henry, Robert.

Our son was a waitress?

Henry was a...

Oh, never mind about Henry. What about Michael Ambrose, our son -in -law to be?

Now, you're coming to us this Christmas, I hope. Of course. This is going to be

our first ever Christmas together.

Well, if that's an invitation, I'll be delighted to come. Thank you. You have a

room to yourselves, of course.

We're not old -fashioned like that, but I have to warn you, Michael, we've got a

couple of ignoramuses in the family, one on Robert's side, one on mine. Still

refer to black people as darkies and all that.

Shameful, I know, but what can you do?

Thankfully, they're neither of them long for this world, but while they're still

here, they are still a family. I mean, one feels obliged.

You understand.

You're going to love our Christmas, Michael. I just know you will.

When they get on to the good old days in Kenya, just give Livy a shout and

she'll bring on the Valium sandwiches.

These are for you.

Chocolate? For me?

These must have cost you two weeks' pocket money at least.

I didn't buy them. My mum did.

They're the rubbish ones she buys to give to the milkman and dustman.

Oh. Tell her I said thank you.

Go on.

Porky, is that head of yours on the right?

You make a great footballer.

Haven't you got a school to go to?

Not today. Doctor's appointment.

Oh, I'll make sure and tell him to prescribe you some manners.

Manners? Who needs manners when you're destined for fame like me?

Manners is for wins. In this life, pork fight is either kick or be kick.

It's no use playing clean while the others play dirty.

Do you want to cross this road or not?

No? Then do you mind moving on? I've got important work to do.

All right, all right.

Before I go, present for you. Ah, from your mother.

Well, make sure you tell her I said thank you. What for?

She didn't blame.

They're from me.

I figured you deserved some kind of reward for all your hard work. I mean

must be really tough having to help your tiny pension standing on a crossing all

day holding a stick.

And if you're not careful, it will be on the end of my foot.

Bye. Bye.

What's in all these bags, Vince? I thought you were only going to Jamaica

two weeks.

It's just a few things I'm carrying down to some friends.

A few things?

Have you seen this? A six -pack of bleach.

A packet of tea bags.

A suit length.

That's Vince there.

Tell your mother, Tom.

Vince, it's a good thing you're going on holiday tomorrow.

Otherwise, there'd be no room for the customers.

Why? You know, it's the last time I complain about television being a bad

influence on the youngsters today. Look at this.

Four boxes of chocolates, and it's not even end of term yet.

Well, Christmas is a time for sharing.

But I'll be wary of more children bearing gifts.

Oh? Why is that?

Those chocolates may not be what they seem. They may have been tampered with.

Would you like me to check?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of them.

You mean to say you've eaten them already?

Some. The others I handed out on my crossing.

As you said, Christmas is a time for sharing.

Tough luck, Matthew.

There's one.

I heard from the newsagents that last night's meeting of the Peckham Traders

Association nearly ended in a riot.

Were you there?

Oh, he was there. Who do you think started the riot?

Well, it's obvious the Peckham Traders Association needs a new leader.

So I let my name go forward in the candidates for the next election. I was

seconded by Lee.

You can't be serious, Edmund. All that extra work, you'd be exhausted.

I think I'd make a very good chairman. And I think I'd make a very good

astronaut. But I can't see anybody sending me to the moon.

Oh, little town of hair, come on, every bus I've hopped. I've used up all my

credit cards and shopped until I dropped.

Mandy.

Let the Christmas spirit catch you early.

Forty by three weeks, Desmond. Desmond Shirley, Merry Christmas, Shirley.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, you shouldn't have. It'd only break him, whoever it is.

Do you have a present in mind for me, Pogfire? Oh, yes, and that's exactly

it's going to stay.

Come on, what have you got me?

It's meant to be a surprise.

Well, I got enough of a surprise last year when you didn't give me anything.

Well, I know it's a bit early, but I hope you like them. Oh, we won't open

yet, Desmond. All right. No, but thank you, Maggie, all the same. It's very

of you. I'm just sorry you won't be here.

Ah, just more food and drink for me.

It would have been our first Christmas with our first daughter -in -law. Oh,

sorry.

Do you know what parents are like at Christmas?

No, what?

Well, at least this year I have Michael by my side to keep me sane.

Oh, Michael's going with you? Of course. As far as Mother's concerned, he's

guest of honour.

Instead of an unwelcome visitor.

I see.

Ah, Michael hasn't already told you? No.

I've just put my big foot in it. Oh, no worry about it. Michael's a grown boy.

He can take his mother's beatings like a man. Oh, I'd better be going. Sorry.

Does anyone want to buy a defunct bunny?

No, thank you. I think I'll stick to turkey this Christmas. Bye -bye.

How about you, Cheryl?

Two for the price of one?

Surely there's some long -lost relative who'd be glad to receive such a quality

gift? No.

Shouldn't you be selling Friday Christmases this time of year?

I've got no room for Father Christmas's desk.

Every cupboard in my flat is chock -a -block with these flaming things.

I ordered them for Easter and they've only just turned up.

There's only one thing for it, mate. They're going to have to be exorcised.

I've got the perfect use for them.

Loft insulation?

Rabbit stew for vegetarians.

The Peckham Traders Association are going to loft anyone who can attract

shoppers to the area.

Now that is what you need to do.

That's what he's been trying to do for 30 years.

Yeah, well, it's easier when you know how, isn't it? You've got to think

Christmas. What do you mean?

I mean open a grotto.

A what -o?

A grotto. You know, Santa's knee and all that.

Look, all the big stores do it, Des. Look, the kids come to see Santa, the

parents come to shop, and the whole street makes a massive profit.

That's all very well on the fourth floor of Harrods, but a grotto in a barber

shop? We haven't got any room.

Are you serious?

Is Vince's corner?

I'll tell you what, Des, you'll clean up, mate.

Well, that's Ricky's job. Just make sure you put my chair back right.

I mean, look, what is Fat Larry going to be offering his punters this Christmas,

eh? Er, 2 % discount when you spend £50 or over. What?

I saw it in the window this morning.

If you spend £50 in here, you can buy the shop.

Look at that, mate, you leave the competition standing.

Well, I mean, don't these things take weeks of organisation and planning?

just got an opening tomorrow.

You need presents to give away. You need costumes and things.

Look, you let me worry about that, mate. Now, you provide the space, I'll

provide the whole package.

Santas, elves, presents. I mean, look, you've already got your giveaways,

haven't you?

350 Exma -sized bunnies at a quid each, plus we charge them two quid entrance

fee. Now, that is not a bad price for fame, ain't it?

What the... Sounds like a bargain to me, Desmond. If you need a part of

Christmas, Desmond, my rates are only £4 .50 an hour.

Hey, come election day, Des, they'll be flocking to vote for you, mate.

I can see trouble, but what's new?

Oh, sure.

Just the woman I wanted to see. Now, does that boyfriend of yours have the

experience of grottos?

Grottos? Well, if he has, he's never said nothing to me, why?

Oh, nothing. Just ask him to give us a call. Might have a job for him.

See you all later.

Pops? You're going to have to give me some work. I'm desperate and I need to

earn some cash.

Just a minute. I was there first. There's any jobs going this kind of me?

You? I thought you were self -employed. What do you need a job for?

No, I need the cash. I want people to buy presents for.

Christmas morning, I promised Alex a champagne breakfast.

At this rate, I'll get a glass of lemonade and a Saksuma.

Well, you don't need money for Christmas because you're going to be here.

Um, actually, I don't think I'm going to be here, Mum.

But, Holger...

When I asked you three weeks ago, you said you were looking forward to my

Christmas dinner.

Oh, no, but when I said I was coming, Alex had said he was going to his

that it was all right.

But that's all off.

We decided we'd quite like to spend Christmas together, you know, alone.

Sort of.

I see.

Oh, you don't mind, do you, Mum?

I thought you'd be less trouble and everything.

Hmm. Desmond, you got any work for two scheming ungrateful brat?

As a matter of fact.

I got just the job for both of them.

When I said I wanted a job, I meant something normal, mindless, like

the floor, not standing around looking like a... What am I again?

A pixie.

I was an elf.

No, I'm an elf. You're a pixie. Yeah, well, standing around looking like a

pixie. Come on, I'm going in.

Oh, my little pixie.

Thanks, Dad.

I was right lucky to go through the rain, dear.

Your husband is greatly appreciated, Gloria.

Isn't it, Desmond? Of course he's appreciated. And when I win the

you'll be proud to have a father who's a leading light in the community.

I don't know. Is Tennessee really worth it? Forty hours I've got to do like

this. It could have been worse. You could have been working for the

Elf service.

The elf.

Look, I'd better go and see how the Santa Claus is coming along.

Honey, what are you doing in there? You're putting it at the right time.

I've just put the finishing touches on Santa's sleigh.

Why don't you come inside and check it out?

Sleigh? Looks more like Vince's old barber's chair to me.

Seen through the eyes of a child, that barber's chair is a sleigh shawl.

That outfit really suits you, Gloria.

Come inside, Munch.

We both look ridiculous.

You think so? I always thought that red was my colour.

Look, can we go again, please, Matt? From the top, yeah?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

No!

No! No!

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Matt, but you ain't auditioning for the Royal

House. All I'm asking you to do is a bit of common old garden ho -ho -ho -ing.

That's what I'm doing.

I need a break. Can I take five, I just said?

Oh, take as many as you want, Math. Go on. Come on, Porky, your turn.

How am I supposed to concentrate with

him pacing up and down like a free -range chicken?

Can you take a seat, please?

What? End it.

As much as I'd love to sing for her, I think I've just done, thank you.

Go on, put me down again.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, man.

Oh, yeah, well, if I ever get round to making a horror movie, I know what I'm

doing for the sound effects, don't I?

OK, OK, can we have two ordinary lines, please?

Girls on the left, boys on the right.

Ordinary lines?

Sean, this is Peckham. The only ordinary lines you're going to get round there

are double yellow.

You've got to talk to this rabble in a way they understand.

Oh, so what do you suggest, then? Urdu, Patois, or just everyday Greek?

No, try Oidu. As in, Oidu as you're told.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, I wish Popeye would let Matthew take over for a bit.

At least Matthew's ho -ho -hoing wouldn't give the kids nightmares.

I think it's going well. Going well, isn't it? Yes, it is, but I don't like

way some of the customers are treating this place like a creche, Desmond. That

little girl has been here for over an hour.

I heard her asking Ricky what time dinner was.

Once it gets the Ambrose name on everyone's lips, I'll call it a success.

It's not you again. I told you earlier.

This grotto's for kids only.

Kids meaning 12 and under.

Look, I am under 12. Here's my bus pass.

I don't know. It's not full. Oh, come on, Gloria. Give the guy a break.

I know his brother. He's only 11.

You know his brother? Why do you say so?

Come on, then.

Smile a ton.

I still miss me.

Wish I'd come through.

Don't you find this just a little bit humiliating, sis?

No, not really. Life is going to help Daddy.

Oh. So how much do you need to earn, then?

Lots.

The possibilities are endless.

How about a Desmond special?

Come together here. Can't give Gloria a nice Christmas surprise.

Oh, dream on, Des.

The day I cut these locks off is the same day that Gloria starts to iron my

underpants.

What is? Do you think you can lend me a tenner till tomorrow?

A tenner till tomorrow?

Is that the same as growing the fiver till Friday?

No, no, I just want to get her a present, but I'm a fiver sure.

Oh, so you don't want to borrow ten, you want to borrow five? No, ten.

But it's a big present.

I'll have to get a cab home.

I don't know, I just don't put a till in the street and everybody else is self

-care, man.

Just a minute, you've been here once before.

Don't you think you should let someone else have a turn?

No. Yeah, well, I think you should.

I've got money.

I can.

Has your mother never told you there are some things in life money just can't

buy? Yeah, like a second visit to Father's Grotto.

Hop it.

But I'll get another present.

Yeah, well, don't we all?

It's for my brother.

If I let you in, everybody's going to want a second turn. Maybe we should just

let her in, Gloria. Look, it'd be nice if Elle stood solid on this one, Sean.

I'm not letting you in, right?

Money are no money.

Brother are no brother.

Oh, now look what you've done, then.

I'm supposed to be taking you back on park rides. What are you doing here?

You're not meant to be here. You're meant to be upstairs.

Well, I'm meant to be in the grotto giving presents to the children. What?

says here, look, 12 to 2.

Matthew. No, not you.

Confuse the kids to Santa's. Get back upstairs.

What's going on?

What's with this noise?

She won't let me have my presents. Listen, I don't know what's wrong with

kids today, Uncle Pete, but you're great.

This little brat has already had one present and you want another one?

I think

I've

got time for an explanation.

Father? Are you in charge here?

Um, can I be of assistance, young lady? Yes, you can.

You can start by telling me what kind of sick mind would even think of telling

something like this to a young child.

Well, what's wrong with it? I mean, it isn't broken, is it? She hasn't heard us

talk about anything, has she? It is worse than that.

Worse? I'll bring the solicitor. Would you be happy if your child went around

saying things like this?

Oh,

well,

you just don't know with rabbits these days, do you?

Maybe next time you'll consult me before you put one of Lee's harebrained

schemes into action.

Look, they weren't ears. They were rabbits. Oh, I'm glad you find this

Lee. I mean, who knows how many customers we may have lost over this.

I've said I'm sorry. What more can I say? Oh, it's all right, Lee.

We know it wasn't your fault. It was.

Michael's just being Michael. Oh, what's that supposed to mean? I mean, she

might sue us.

Lady, you're too late.

Vince gone.

What do you mean, sue us? Oh, it won't come to that. We can't be sure.

Look on the bright side, Desmond. You wanted your name to be on everyone's

and now it certainly will be.

Cheer up, pork pie. It's not the end of the world, just the end of the grotto.

Just think, all those children will remember you in years to come.

Yeah, probably during their therapy sessions.

You know, Charlie, I've been thinking about that boy, Chester.

He's gone into hospital.

Hospital? What happened? He had an accident?

Not on your crossing, was it?

No, it wasn't.

I saw him just the other day.

He was on the way to the doctors, and he seemed fine to me.

But his sister said he's taken a turn for the worse.

He's been in hospital since Sunday, but so far the doctors don't seem to know

what's wrong with him.

I'll tell you what's wrong with that Chester, Box. He's too clever for his

good.

At worst, he must have frayed that tongue of his.

Still, it's not a very good start to the Christmas holiday. His parents must be

worried. If I hadn't looked after Chester and Meredith, I'd be worried

I think I'll go see him this evening, see how he is.

If he's still there. You said he went in Sunday. Well, today's Wednesday.

They might have had enough of him by now.

Don't worry, Popeye.

Where's Sean and Gloria?

Oh, Pixie and Dixie, they're upstairs sulking.

They were asking me what redundancy pay elves get.

I said ask the shoemaker.

Well, I felt as though I had to make it up to Sean, right, so I lent him the...

The hundred pounds for his trip to Tunisia?

Yeah.

Well, that's another one off my Christmas dinner list.

Well, actually, Mother, that's what I came to talk to you about.

Christmas.

You can't come.

Mandy told me. I know.

She did?

Mm -hmm. Oh, well, it's not actually definite. I mean, I haven't confirmed

Oh, Michael, don't worry about it. Much as I would love you to be here with us

for Christmas, I didn't really think you would be.

And there's always next year to look for. No, no, no, Lucy. Really, this

fine, Mother. I mean, I wouldn't miss your Christmas dinner for anything.

Look, I'll cancel the Moscow's. I'm sure they'll understand.

Oh, Michael.

I wouldn't dream of making you cancel your arrangements just to please me. But

wouldn't be doing it just to please you. No?

Well, I would, but it would also be my pleasure.

Mandy would never forgive me if I stopped you from going.

Now, you go.

Have a lovely time.

I'm sure you'll enjoy meeting Mandy's relatives.

Yes,

I'm sure.

Oh, would you join us, Lee?

No.

Perhaps not, Cheryl, but thanks anyway.

Well, we are getting down to small numbers. Matthew, you still going to the

Gambia?

Yes.

If I ever get out of this costume.

Well, who says Christmas has got to be a big affair anyway?

Desmond, don't you think you're being a bit paranoid? If that woman was going to

write to the press, she'd have done it two weeks ago.

I don't think she'd write to the Times.

The shop is doing fine. We haven't lost any business.

I wish you'd stop worrying about it.

Look, why don't you put those down and sign some of these cards?

I can't do that. It's against tradition. You've been signing my name for the

last 30 years.

Tradition. A lot of people these days seem to be ignoring tradition.

Maybe you should do the same. What's wrong with you? I thought you liked

festive preparations.

Well, I do when I can see a pint to it.

What? There's no pint. It just costs money.

You won't hear this afternoon when Popeye came back from seeing Chester.

think it's leukemia.

They think or they know?

Well, they could be wrong, I suppose.

Well, let's hope so.

You know, we've been very lucky with our three.

Lucky? Lucky I've been Michael.

Ah, you know what I mean.

Yes, I know, I know.

I really wanted this Christmas to be special.

Well, you can't force them to come if they've made other plans.

But they shouldn't have made other plans.

They should want to come home and visit their parents at Christmas.

I mean, Ricky's going all the way to Spain to see his mum and dad.

Matthew is going to the Gambia to spend time with his family. And Vince is going

to spend all Christmas clearing customs in Jamaica.

That leaves just the three of us. You, me, and Popeye. Three old cudges.

Do they make turkeys that small?

Some people have got nothing and nobody at all.

Let's be grateful for what we've got.

I am.

Oh, my God.

My mum says we're going to have turkey sandwiches on the beach, and my dad said

if I'm really lucky, he'll let me have a glass of his home -brewed sangria,

which is made from potatoes.

Small boy, do you want people to miss you when you're away?

Yeah. Then shut up.

No, I can't believe it.

This time next week, it will be Christmas.

No. Do you really think so?

Are you really so fascinated you astound me?

And you'll be gone.

Good riddance.

Well, I'm glad we've got today over and done with.

All I want to do now is to relax in a hot bath and let my mind go blank.

Don't forget, Lee is picking us up in an hour.

He's really trying to make it up to you, huh?

Well, I think it's very nice of him to take us out on a Saturday night.

What about the two of you?

Us?

Well, there's a plate full of mint. Why haven't you touched one of them? That's

not like you.

Oh, I'm saving myself for the Christmas blowout next week.

And I'm travelling by air. I don't want any excess baggage.

Well, in that case, I'll save them for a little idea I've got.

If you want to go up, Mr and Mrs Ambrose, I'll finish things down here.

that's very nice of you, Ricky. What an excellent addition to the staff you've

turned out to be.

Come along my little Christmas pudding.

Ready when you are, Popeye.

Desmond, Shelley, aren't you ready yet? Lee's here.

Coming, Popeye. No need to shout.

Oh, Lee, I'm sorry to keep you... Surprise!

I don't believe it. Mum, Dad, take a seat.

See, we knew you were a bit upset with us all going away.

So, you've all decided to stay for Christmas?

No.

We decided to have a party for you. Before we all zoomed off.

So that's why you didn't eat the mince pies, Shirley, Desmond.

Popeye has decided to entertain you. The word entertain may be questionable.

But there's an old African saying.

There's many a good tune played on an old gong gong.

Think about it.

Go in Bethlehem, so the Holy Bible say.

Mary's boy child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day.

Hark now, hear the angels sing.

The new king's born today.

And man shall...

Thank you.

Did you wind it up?

It ran some batteries.

Ah, like its owner.

I suppose my travelling companions to the airport are all packed and ready to

go, Shirley.

Yes, they are packed. I know that because I had to do it. But at this

Ricky doesn't have a plane ticket and Sean's not back from the club he went to

last night.

You're joking, of course. No.

It's nearly ten o 'clock.

I mean, I forgot to be at the airport in the next hour.

Since when?

I thought your flight wasn't until three.

So it is. But I've still got a lot of last -minute Christmas for me to do as a

duty -free.

My sister Florence will never forgive me if I arrive home without a step.

Step? What kind of step?

Well, an Arabic step.

And, of course, she wants a Mr.

Motivator video to go with it.

Well, you know, and once I...

I know what's happened. It's got delayed in the post.

What has? The ticket my dad sent over. It must have been got caught up in all

the Christmas mail and that.

It could be.

A lot of your dad's checks for the Georgian dreamers are still caught up in

Christmas mail. Isn't that right, Desmond?

And we'll be still waiting on payments for Christmas 1966, 67 and 68.

If I feel awful putting you to all this trouble, I'll phone my parents and tell

them I can't make it. They'll understand.

I'd rather be here anyway.

No, don't be silly, Ricky.

You haven't seen your mum and dad for nearly six months.

I mean, it would be no difficulty getting you a new ticket. All Desmond

do is to go with you to the airport and sign a cheque. Morning, all.

Oh, it's bedlam out there. Any chance of a cup of tea, sir? There's no time for

tea, Lee. We need to leave to the airport immediately.

Sit. down, Matthew. Can't go yet. Sean isn't here.

Oh, talk of the devil.

Oh, hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

I think you're right, Sean. Sean's definitely not here. Hey, Sean, you know

you're supposed to be catching a plane sometime today, mate.

Yeah, I know. I've got to go and pack my bags anyway.

I knew this was a mistake.

Why don't I listen to myself?

For the same reason that nobody else listens to you either.

Ah, fuck that. Before I forget your present.

A present for me? Oh, now I've got to see this.

You see, I'm not as stingy as you think I am.

I remember your pathetic little face from last year.

What's in it?

Well, open it and see.

No, you open it.

I never knew before what a suspicious mind you have, Pogpie.

It's not one of your most endearing qualities.

I'll look into it, Pogpie. I'll open it.

Well, it looks like the sort of thing you'd find in one of Desi's plug holes.

It's... It's here!

What?

Well, some of you recognize it.

It's a two -paper flag.

It's made from your very own hair.

Oh, yes, I see.

I thought it looked familiar.

But from where did you get my hair to make this?

It wasn't difficult.

You dirt on the bench, and I, uh... I borrowed that one too late.

The least you can do is put it on.

Now you see it?

And now you don't.

I love it, I like it, but it doesn't make things too so. We're like the new,

younger, looking for a partner.

Possibly. Just make sure she don't run her fingers through your hair too

vigorously. I'd world it to mind if I was you, Porky, mate. Jamaica can be

to hurricanes.

Have you got me anything?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, what in it? Oh, not you. Just open it, man.

Your memoirs.

Yeah, man.

A photocopied, handwritten first edition.

Oh, I didn't know you finished.

Missed it, Popeye. Congratulations.

Thank you, Shirley. I've already started working on volume two.

Oh, excuse me, ma 'am. Let's have a look.

Oh, good. I pity them poor trees, mate.

And when am I going to have the pleasure of reading your memoirs, Popeye? Oh,

wait till Christmas, Desmond. Oh, let me have it back. I forgot to sign it.

And, uh, what is your name, sir?

You know my name.

Well, I have to practice when I'm doing my book signings.

Where is that Sean?

I'll call him.

Sean!

Sean!

Oh, no!

Right, come on. Just bung him on the roof rack and let's go.

Gloria, Christmas ain't for another four hours yet.

I thought you was asleep.

I was.

It's a big box, isn't it?

Yeah, big enough to put you in.

Look, come on.

Come to bed.

And go to sleep.

I haven't hidden your present up there for the last four years.

Just tell me where my present is and then you can go back to sleep.

Sleep? You've probably woken up pork by two.

I'm going to go make myself a hot drink.

Cyril divorced Helen and married Sophie.

Don't mention Uncle William.

Steer clear of George and Miriam.

Hope no one mentions Kenya.

Don't mention Henry.

Jonathan can't make it. He's in Broadmoor. There, Broadstairs.

Still divorce hell in the mouth, Sophie.

Ah!

Christmas, Mummy.

Oh, not you as well, poor boy. Lunch isn't until two o 'clock.

You and Desmond are worse than children.

I'm too old to help.

What are you talking about, Popeye?

Well, the only present that Chester might need, I can't give him.

It says here you've got to be under 40 to be a donor.

Look.

How to become a bone marrow donor and save a life.

Surely Chester is not that ill, Popeye. No, but there are plenty of black kids

who are.

It says there that your best chance of finding a perfect match... It's from

within your own family or your own ethnic group.

But for some reason, not a lot of black people volunteer.

Oh.

Oh, poor five.

You shouldn't have.

I didn't.

You open yours first, and then I'll do mine.

You open yours first?

No, you first.

Oh. All right, then I'll open mine.

Alex. Yes, Vicky.

I'm glad I'm with you.

What are you trying to say, Gloria?

Nothing, just shut up over your presence.

Alex, anybody who would think you're defusing a bomb, tear the paper up and

tear it!

Oh, Gloria, is it the same one?

Yeah. You went all the way back to the shop?

Oh, it must have cost you a fortune just getting there and back.

Why do you get up and standing around Dad's shop dressed as an elf all day?

Oh, Squiggy.

Do you like it, then? Oh, I love it, Gloria, it's beautiful.

Mwah! Good.

Oh, thanks. Look, your turn. What, do you think I've forgotten?

Give it here.

What on earth is in this box? Open it and see.

Look, it's got light at the front so you can see where you're hoovering. Has it?

Shall I plug it in for you?

You can do.

Here, take it for a test run. I spent weeks looking for this.

They're very real, you know.

They don't make them like that any more, do they?

You hate it, don't you? Yes.

But it's a classic design.

Really? Well, next year I can look forward to a can of Coke, can I?

You can't just pretend to like it.

Why? Oh, Gloria. Listen, you bought that for yourself, didn't you buy that for

me? Why did I say to you I really want a buttered old 1960s record of a

campaigner?

When we went to the household classics exhibition in Knightsbridge.

Yeah, well, I might have.

But I didn't say I had to have one.

Blimey, thank God we didn't decide to go to the zoo that day.

All right, all right, should I carry it back?

Well, they have it back.

Look, Laura, I honestly thought you'd like it. Listen, no matter what way you

put it, Alex, that is a vacuum cleaner for cleaning.

You bought me something for my Christmas present to clean the flat out with.

It's an antique.

It's a hoofer.

All right, I'll carry it back and get a refund.

the flatter once over, shall I?

Shame I ain't got my penny, never mind.

Merry

Christmas,

Mandy.

Merry Christmas, Michael.

Merry Christmas, Mandy.

Christmas, Michael.

Come on, you slugger! Rise and shine!

What juice and breakfast?

Egg, toast, coffee, the full whack.

And a bottle of champers to wash it all down with. Now, that ought to sustain

you until grubber. How lovely, Mummy. Isn't it lovely, Michael?

worried, Michael. It's just another Mosgrove tradition.

All stems from the time when Mandy here used to come bounding into our room at

six in the morning.

Now we think it's rather fun to do the same to her.

Well,

we've got our stockings. Where are yours?

Stockings?

What will be happening to them now? Well, now's as good a time as any, don't

think? Oh, Robert, I completely forgot to unlock Bumble's door.

Oh, you've got a dog?

An elder sister.

She's sleepwalking.

Don't believe a word of it. She's always wide awake.

Well, I'm not going alone.

Don't stop. Without us, we'll be back in a tick.

Merry Christmas, Mike.

No, man. Look, I'd like to get my clothes on before your mother and father

back. Oh, obviously, Michael, they don't. Yes, but I do.

Oh.

Typical Musgrove Christmas.

Ruddy bathroom full of silly women doing their silly hair.

You don't mind, do you?

Did Daddy let you out, Aunt Bumble?

God, no.

I let myself out.

It didn't take me two seconds to crack that lock.

Absolute child's play.

When are they going to find me a real challenge?

Aunt Bumble used to be an escapologist, Michael. She's toured all over the

world. Haven't you, Aunt Bumble?

All over.

Oh, such stories.

Such wonderful stories.

I'll tell them all to you one day.

Oh, I look forward to hearing them. Such stories.

You can't remember any of them.

Yes, Michael.

Is it always like this at Christmas?

Yes.

Merry Christmas, Michael.

Merry Christmas, Mandy.

It's Collier.

Yes? I'm sorry we're a bit late.

We spoke earlier in the week.

I'm Shirley Ambrose, my husband Desmond. Of course. Of course, Mrs.

Ambrose. Your friends have already arrived.

If you'd like to follow me.

Mrs. Box sends her apologies.

She's sorry she missed you.

She's had to go and pick up her daughter.

Meredith, is it?

She said she'd give you a ring.

I'm not a five -pence you owe me.

Chester, give Christopher his money back now.

You have some visitors, Chester.

Mr and Mrs Ambrose have come to see you.

What have they brought me?

Tom's still working.

I didn't know you were coming.

Well, it's called a surprise visit.

Merry Christmas.

It is Christmas Day and I can't think of a better time to open a Christmas

present. You're very lucky, Chester.

I've been up since half past six and I haven't seen my present yet.

Brilliant! Electronic battleships.

Thank you.

How long is that?

I'll understand if you want to go.

That's very thoughtful of you, Chester.

Listen,

everybody.

arranged a surprise for you. They have two friends they'd like you to meet.

And you'll have to shout, because my two friends are coming from quite a long

way away. And to get here, they're going to have to follow the sound of your

voices.

So what shall we shout?

Shout, we want Father Christmas!

to the younger generation.

Shout!

You see, boys, we come from Guyana, which is thousands of miles away on the

north coast of South America. And every Christmas, Boom Boom Sally leads the

masquerade procession through the streets. Because it's hot and sunny

even on Christmas Day. And everybody follows him, singing and dancing.

So you better shout again. And this time, maybe you should shout his name,

Boom Sally.

I've just come to say thank you.

This is a lovely start to our Christmas day. Well, it's just nice to see such

happy faces.

Can't really be much fun.

Kids never cease to amaze me.

They always make the best of it.

Mr, I wanted to ask you about Chester.

He looks so well, I can't believe there's anything wrong with him.

Well, that's part of the problem with leukaemia.

It's so deceptive in its early stages.

Thankfully, for most of the kids, of course, the chemotherapy usually puts

disease into remission.

So, do you think Chester will need a bone marrow transplant?

As a last resort, maybe.

But I have a feeling that little boy is going to be around for a long time to

come. Yeah.

If you're looking for a donor, I'll do you a good deal.

I've got over a million healthy, well -behaved little sons, one of which I'm

sure is bound to be Chester -compatible.

Funny it was as easy as that.

Yeah, I know it's not, is it? Saw the poster you got outside.

You see it, Cheryl?

Not enough black people are giving it up, so you can put me down for a blood

test straight away.

Lee Stanley, black bone marrow donor number 371.

Great. Now, if you could just tell a million close friends... You'd be in

business. Oh, Sister, I've almost forgotten.

This is for you.

Die, punk!

Me! I've got another delinquent rabbit.

Oh, yeah? You've got a warren for his arrest.

Oh, oh, oh.

Merry Christmas, Pork Pie.

Merry Christmas, Jester.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas, children.

Ho, ho, ho!