Original subtitles

From the long -awaited ocean breeze to the dump and to the rail of London City.

We come from the sun to live in the coal. I miss Miranda, want my coconut.

Don't touch my sofa.

The party's over.

Let's keep the music sweet. Wind up your weapons, dear. Don't touch my sofa.

Where is Lee?

It's nearly one o 'clock. He said this morning. It stopped being this morning

nearly an hour ago.

Calm down now. Lee said he's going to be here, then he will be here. I want my

neon sign and I want it now.

He's not doing me any favours, you know. I've paid for it.

Has Lee ever let you down before?

What about that time he tried to sell me a clock radio and showed up with a

radio in one hand, a clock in the other and a roll of sellotape in his pocket?

Now... Popeye, we know that's true, but you're not helping.

Never mind that. I've been looking forward to my neon sign for nearly a

Ever heard children on Christmas Eve?

That's Desmond.

Why they sing Silent Night, I shall never know.

That's right, Desmond.

You want to go down with stress?

What do you know about stress, Popeye?

I've seen tree stumps move quicker than you.

I'll tell you this.

Stress leads to more stress, which in turn leads to distress.

I could have sworn that sentence was going to make sense when I started it.

Where is he?

Desmond, look, why don't you go to lunch, eh?

Or go to the paper shop. I'll go anywhere.

You know, I think the sign would look best here.

At least somebody in here is interested.

You think we should make it flash on and off?

Oh, no. People might blink and miss it.

Ah!

Oh, no.

Yeah, a month or three weeks ago.

I was supposed to be meeting her here. I've got a great idea for this article.

Yes. How are you, Mum?

How are you, Dad?

Oh, sorry.

Careful, you're about to kiss a man with murder on his mind.

What are you doing, huh?

I'm staring at the space where my neon sign should be.

You're getting a neon sign.

A bit tacky, isn't it, Dad?

Huh? Oh, but basically a good idea.

Right. So, to summarise, I put it to you, class.

that information technology is a double -edged sword that will cut no ice.

Maybe I should give all this up and become an Avon lady.

Shirley, didn't I say that one day our name would be up in lights?

But you said so many things, Popeye. You said man would never walk on the moon.

True, but I also said that one day we'd have round tea bags.

That don't count.

When you said that thing about Lex, you were talking about our band, the

Georgetown Dreamers.

Close enough.

Bands and barbershops.

What's the connection?

They both have Popeye in them talking rubbish.

Ah! Oh, good afternoon, everybody.

Father, can I have a quick word, please? Yes.

It's Mandy.

Something wrong with her? Yes. Well, no. You see, it's the wedding plans.

They're becoming more elaborate in the State Opening of Parliament.

But it's Mandy's big day. Michael.

Look, if everyone on the invitation list turns up, we'll have to declare a

national holiday.

Help me.

How? Well, Mandy's popping in later. Look, have a word with her. Make her

then. Well, I'll try, but I... I'll try.

Thank you, Mother. You're welcome.

Um,

do you know Lee hasn't come to put up the sign?

I'd love to talk further, but I really must dash. They're doing a personality

profile on the staff at the bank.

I may discover you haven't got one.

At last!

Where have you been?

Oh, don't stay. This way's the tunnel. Ricky, give us a hand.

Open it.

Open it. He has one.

Shh.

You and Lee together, eh?

Who, me? Jump to conclusions?

I bumped into him coming out of his car, all right.

A quick thinker would have done a runner.

Did you bring it?

Oh, wait, Gloria.

I've pulled muscles I didn't even know I had.

And I'd quite like to live long enough to abuse them again.

Where have you been?

Oh, you're quite attractive when you're angry, Daisy.

You're not going to love this, mate.

I hope they spelt my name right. I know you and school are like passing

strangers.

Give the man a chance, Desmond. There you go.

What, is that it?

I expected something bigger.

What is it?

Ah, this measures stress level.

Hyperventilating is out for the 90s. Somebody, anybody, please translate.

I just...

Want to see our new executive tie?

Not now, Gloria. Can't you see I'm busy?

Oh, let's try pork pie. No, you're not guinea -pigging me.

I didn't trust you to be a technophobe.

Watch what you call me. I'm a pensioner and entitled to free legal aid.

Pork pie doesn't suffer from stress.

He's a lollipop man.

I'm not a lollipop man. I'm a traffic control regulator with discretionary

powers over juveniles.

It's not moving.

Yes, it is. See?

It's a very low reading.

You'd get a higher reading from that chair.

Because I'm not working. Look, if you want to see stress levels, get him to

me an old African saying.

Do, Shirley. She's actually busy.

Good idea.

Hey, you can tell he's an academic.

Encourage him.

Hey, look, I can't work if you're staring at me. Just think of me as part

Neighbourhood Watch.

This is going to make a great article. Stress and the Small Business Man.

Oi, let's have a try this time. Oh,

you can't see I'm working.

You're right, you know, Ronnie, these readings are a lot higher.

Yeah? That's because you're bothering me.

Here you go, Des. What a beauty, eh?

Told you you wouldn't be disappointed, didn't I?

Nice, nice.

What time does the electrician come in?

He's already here.

Handsome, isn't he? You want to see me get ugly?

I want to see you put up properly that flame, eh, mate?

Stop now, Gloria. Oh, still a minute's had. Look, look, these are modern neon

days, mate. They're idiot proof.

Well, they have to be if you're the electrician.

Dave, you ain't got a screwdriver, have you, mate? Oh, what is this? They might

not even have the proper tools.

What's this red light for?

Show me.

Oh, this is the highest breathing I've ever seen.

Typical, Desmond. He always has to win.

What are you staring at?

This measures stress, Mr Ambrose, and it's rating you very highly. That

has no taste.

What are you talking about? Is this good or bad?

Well, you're suffering from stress, and I think you should take it seriously.

Desmond, I told you you should relax.

I don't suffer from stress!

This is not just ordinary stress, Mr.

Ambrose. This is executive stress.

Executive stress?

You mean only executives can get it?

You hear that?

When you used to have a jack, Russell used to prick up his ears like that.

Executive stress!

Are you sure?

You should take this very seriously.

Prevention is better than cure.

Ah. It's like skiing accidents and yuppie flu.

Only a certain class of person can get it.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you leave the shop for the afternoon?

Lie down and relax.

Are you crazy?

I have a business to run. I have a time target. You think this place runs

itself?

Desmond, I think it might be a good idea. Go and have a lie down.

You think so?

Just for a while.

Well, I'll need my special duvet, my silk pyjamas, my hot water bottle and my

nice relaxing tape music.

What are you telling me for?

Well, maybe Sean could... And don't bother poor Sean.

He has his own stress with his college seminar.

Oh, all right, all right.

You gone?

You'll have to stand up in casualty.

What? Yes, you won't be able to use the chair because of the neon splinters.

Have you seen my hot water bottle?

God, Dad, what's the matter, man? You look terrible.

Of course I look terrible. You'd look terrible if you had a chronic case of

executive stress.

I'd like to talk, Dad, but I've got to deliver a one -hour seminar tomorrow on

information technology, and I'm starting to panic a bit.

So you haven't seen my hot water bottle?

Dad, please.

Oh, don't you worry. I'll plug in the electric blanket. It's not quite the

but this won't have to strain me, sir.

Yeah, whatever, Dad.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, Lee?

I do, Cheryl.

That stress machine thingy is brilliant, Ronnie. It will show them that I can

write about more than just community news. Come on, I want to get started.

Hey, just as long as you remember to give me a mention in this article.

I mean, it was my idea.

Ronnie, I love you like a sister, but step on my patch, baby, and you'll be

dealt with like one of my brothers.

There's someone in here suffering from executive stress.

Why's that bit sticking out there?

I must have a sign on my head saying, please irritate me as you pass.

What, that bit sticking out?

What bit? That bit.

Oh.

Well spotted, Ricky.

You.

You're landing fast, mate.

I've seen you have another sign on your team stone.

I should have read the instructions.

Ricky, pass me that magazine over there, please.

Does that wire have to be there?

Well, how else is the electricity supposed to get to the sign? By bus?

Leave the man alone, Ricky.

He's just like one of them ginghy flies.

Then I can put that sign up in minutes.

Now, Popeye, do you know what the doctor advised?

You must ignore those voices in your head.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're driving us crazy.

As it happens, I'm ready to give you a special preview show. You ain't going to

believe your eyes.

All right, let me just finish here first and I'll get Desmond.

Oh, Mandy, what a pleasant surprise. Hello, Shelley. I've just popped in for

quick tidy -up.

Oh, what's this?

You're just in time for the event of the year. Now, feast your eyes.

Mandy!

When Desmond sees this, he's going to kill us. He'll have to find us first and

leave the FAS to do that.

This is nothing.

I've been locked in the Barbican.

Just let me get through, then I can get the torch.

Don't worry, I used to be a girl guard, and we're supposed to be prepared for

moments like this. I don't know how Semaphore will help, but... I stepped on

something soft.

I thought you said an idiot could get these lights off. Yeah, but there's

one about me, bud.

That's an old African saying.

If only William had crossed the river, can you tell the dresser that he has bad

breath?

Keep talking so I can follow your voice.

Johnny, you find a card here? Oh, give me a chance, man. I'm a hairdresser, not

a bat.

Leave me alone.

I don't care. I mean, I followed the instructions to the letter.

Okay, keep talking now. Maybe if I could just... I'm telling you.

Johnny. Leave me alone.

Johnny.

How's you?

I thought he was going upstairs.

That made for a nice break in the day.

Don't tell Des it was my fault, I mean, which it wasn't anyway, but just don't

tell him.

I suggest you fix those lights before Desmond comes down here and puts your

lights out.

What is going on?

Oh, go back to bed, Desmond.

It's just a little power cut. Bradley, I'll kill him. Remember your executive

stress, Desmond, and mine.

Who's messing with the power?

Right, Sean?

Seminar. Gloria. Article.

Desmond. Ben. But surely I... We don't have any more stressfulness, do we?

See what I'm up against?

Bedlam. Come on. Right.

I leave my shop for one minute and people wonder why I worry.

Well, come on, Dad. What's there to worry about?

I worry about worrying.

It's very worrying.

Come on, Dad. Why don't you admit it just this once you like worrying?

What are you talking about?

Well, don't get me wrong. I mean, it's great to have someone worry on your

behalf. It's kind of like the saying about the man with the pink elephant.

Your mother was right. You're studying too hard.

You don't see somebody painting green triangles in the middle of the road. So

asks him, why are you painting green triangles in the middle of the road? And

replies, to keep away the pink elephant.

So he says, but there are no pink elephants.

And the original man says, you see, it works.

That's what I do for this family.

Keep pink elephants away.

And people wonder why I worry.

Where's my customer?

We lost her in the dark.

What are you doing now, Lee?

Back to the drawing board show. This time I think I've cracked it, huh?

Still want to hear it on Monday? Oh, yes, please. And I've got a shilling for

the meter.

Good. You know what they say about idle hands, eh? They can take stupid people

apart just to see how they work.

You don't thank me in the end.

That's what Michael said when he refused me my home improvement loan.

Yes, Popeye, but you can't build a conservatory on a council flat's

That's my Michael. When it comes to business, he's great, but wedding...

Problem?

But I want this day to be a day to remember.

Not just for me, but for Michael and you and Desmond and everybody.

Well, why shouldn't it be?

I hear you've been doing some planning.

Michael can't get plotting.

Will you keep that banging down, Lee?

All this talk of marriage, Cheryl, is making me nervous.

This one will get you to church for a different purpose.

The only way you're going to get me up the aisle is under anesthetic.

Lee, shut up.

Mandy, what do you think is making Michael so anxious?

Maybe it's the cathedral.

Well, with three marquees, we're probably going to need a cathedral.

Marquees? Maybe I could hire the royal glass coach.

I've always preferred a cosy local church myself with a nice reception,

at home.

But where would the stage go? I mean, these days you can't have a wedding

without entertainment.

You mean a little trio or something? Exactly.

Have you heard of the Bee Gees?

As usual, Michael's blowing everything out of proportion.

Oh, but these young people don't know anything but weddings.

Mine and Gwendolyn's wedding was a wedding. It's going to be in my memoirs.

was a hot matter of debate who I would marry.

He comes from a small town.

You either discussed pork pie's marriage or the problem of finding the bath

shelter once the tide came in.

You can joke. When I was younger, I was a striking young man.

Even more handsome than you are today?

Yeah, women used to come from all over just to look at me.

Your husband should bring them and say, see what I saved you from.

Stop interrupting me.

Was it a big wedding, Pork Pie? It was gigantic, Mandy. But just you wait. When

Susu and I get married... Is it, Pork Pie?

Yes.

What I'd really like is the sort of wedding that can be featured in Hello!

magazine. Yes?

Well, if Michael has to foot the bill, it could be the kind of divorce featured

in the news of the world.

Can we not go over the top, Shirley?

Well, as you said, you want everyone to enjoy themselves.

I bet that means the bridegroom as well. Lee!

Well, am I in a noise show? I mean, it's like Paul Pine is that. You can't have

one without the other.

For an African wedding, expense is not the point.

It's more of a celebration, a gathering of loved ones, a bit like a Tory party

conference.

People come from every district in their finest clothes and dish out huge sums

of money to the happy couple.

And the bridal outfits.

Oh, I must say.

When I saw my bride standing there in her beautiful dress waiting to

our marriage, I just, oh, I just cried.

I bet she wasn't overjoyed to see you either.

That's so romantic, Matthew. I think people today are almost ashamed of

but there's nothing on earth more beautiful.

I agree.

Where did you go for your honeymoon, Shirley?

Well, you know how some people go off to some tropical paradise, lounge on a

beautiful white sandy beach, and sip a long, cool tequila sunrise?

Yes. Well, we came to England.

You could always get married all over again, Mrs Ambrose. You could have your

honeymoon on a QE2 this time.

One drop.

Would it have to be the same husband?

When we talk about romance, it's getting to me. Look, does anyone want to hear

how I got lucky on Saturday night? Me.

Oh, boy, mate. One mistake. One mistake, that's all.

You know who should play at your wedding, Mandy?

The Georgetown Dreamers.

We could reform, like Frank Sinatra.

Sinatra's solo.

He can't reform.

He's broken up.

It doesn't matter.

Maybe Popeye does have a point. We probably couldn't afford the Bee Gees.

Thank heaven for that.

Well, not all three of them, anyway.

It is often assumed that stress is the preserve of the captain of industry.

It's assumed or presumed.

You're the journalist, remember?

All right.

All right, perhaps I should use a quote from Dad. What is it he said again?

Get out of my bedroom.

You know what? You feel peckish, I do.

Right. I'm going to need the toaster, the blender...

And the microwave.

Oh, but what I'm about to receive, may my head you like be truly grateful.

Anyway, it's not the size of the wedding, but the commitment that counts.

Now, when I get married, it's going to be real tasteful, too.

Bride and groom dressed in the Manchester city strip.

Find you got that class?

No, Arsenal.

No matter what, Michael says, I'm at least having a horse and carriage.

Good, we're moving in the right direction now, Mandy.

Now, this is starting to come good now. The red one, that's danger, right?

Hello, everybody.

Well, I'm happy to announce I passed my personality profile with flying colours.

Oh, I knew you would.

Thank you, Barney.

You know, I found some of the questions rather taxing, but I managed to get

through. Well, you were always good at exams, Michael. You know, they

I was playing down my full potential.

Perhaps it was something that happened in my childhood.

You're lucky you're born.

Stalwart, in the face of adversity, you should have seen the effort he put into

devising those questions. Ah, you wrote the questions yourself. He didn't stop

there. He wrote the answers as well.

Darling, you dropped in to have your hair done. Very nice.

Were you discussing anything in particular?

Oh, this and that.

Popeye suggested that the Georgetown Dreamers play at our wedding. That'll

with the entertainment cost.

What? I offered a referral band just for you.

And you're not pleased?

I am pleased, Porcupine. I mean, my wedding and the chance to see the

Dreamers all on the same day.

Bank managers aren't used to such generous portions of happiness.

By the way, who said we're doing it for nothing?

It would be cheaper to get the bee geese.

You're still doing that.

I'm nearly finished.

If there's anything I've learned today, it's not to be backwards in coming

forward. Come on, give me that screwdriver.

Oh, just leave it alone.

Look, who's the partner in this business?

Oh, go on then, take all the glory that the hard work's done. Oh, I love it when

Michael takes charge.

Oh,

anything you say, Chuckademos.

Oh, I can't finish this seminar. I need to do some comfort eating.

Oh, stomach smells nice. Yeah, but you'll never know.

Takeaway's open, Sean. Yeah, well, this is my favourite kind of takeaway.

Listen, I think I see a wine gun down the back of the sofa.

That's what I call a job well done.

Oh, I'm so glad I was here to hold the spanner out and die happy.

I'll go and get Desmond.

He'll never forgive us if he's not here for the grand opening. No, it's not

ready, Shaw. It is, Mother.

It's not?

I didn't successfully go through a whole personality profile just to be told I

don't know when a glorified light bulb is ready.

It is not.

It is. Trust me.

Okay, okay.

You're the one with the fabulous personality.

Right. Everybody ready?

Electricity. I've overloaded the fuses. Look, I could put it right.

Are you trying to kill me? I want that lead on to my shop.

What's your executive stress, Desmond? It's too late for that, Charlie. Call

electrician. Stay to me. You're going to pay my dry cleaning bill. I've lost all

my seminar notes, man. I told him it wasn't ready.

Look, just calm down, everybody.

I've got it sussed. Just give me two secs.

Right, come on, then. Out we come. This is the one.

Come on, come on.

Just form a queue over there. Go on, go on. Come on, come on.

Oh, this is the lift -off, Des.

You told me that two hours ago.

Des, trust me. Oh, man.

Okay, now step this way for the full effect.

And Lee said, let there be light.