Original subtitles

From the long of night with an ocean breeze to the damp and stew, the rail of

London 15.

We come from the sun to the rift, Nicola, I miss Mirama, want my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the oasis and feel.

Soon, soon.

Just give me one last hug.

Hello?

What, back? Who's this?

What do you mean, who is this?

How many women do you have for one new long distance in the middle of the night

from Jamaica?

I was just dreaming about you.

Well, I hope it was good.

Come on.

Come on.

It's early over here. It must be even earlier over there.

Well, you know what them say about the early bird.

Yes, but you're engaged to me, and I don't want you out touching any worms.

That's spooky, baby.

I have a few friends drop by unexpected, so I thought I'd take them to a club or

two and shake my thing.

A nightclub?

You have enough tensers?

I borrow one of the man them mobile phone.

Him don't mind, him general.

I love you, Susu. Me know.

Hey, which reminds me.

Mr. Piano Man, play that tune for me, no?

I just called to say I love you.

I just called to say how much I care.

I just called to say I love you.

And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Woo!

Thank you, Susu.

If you will let me borrow your mobile again, I will call you later.

You put the phone down first.

No, you put the phone down. You put the phone down.

I'm the luckiest man alive.

What do you say?

You want to carry on where we left off?

All right.

Want tea and toast?

Oh, yes, please, sir. Well, while you're making, mine's with milk and no sugar.

All of a sudden, I'm not thirsty anymore.

Me too. I prefer to my tea anyway.

I might have one later. Much.

Don't worry, Shirley, I'll make you a cup of tea. Thank you, Ricky.

Free sugars, please, Rick.

Small boy, for a change.

No, Mick, with a touch of honey.

Ricky, come back here. You spend more time in that blasted kitchen than you

spend in the shop.

Ricky, one lick of tea.

Shirley, it's two to one on favourite. Ricky!

Ricky, tea!

I just called to say...

how much I care.

Oh, my God.

I just called to say I love you.

I've seen some things in my time, but a Stevie Wonder lollipop, man.

From the bottom of my heart.

Oh, my old boy, like somebody went out fishing last night. Yeah, man.

Well, if you caught anything, I hope you throw it back in the water. You're

supposed to be engaged to my little sister, Susu, remember?

Yeah, surely you don't understand. I went out dancing last night with...

Popeye, may I remind you, Susu lives over 4 ,000 miles away in Jamaica.

What kind of dance were you doing? The quick step?

Popeye, I sometimes go on to ask how you managed to keep that relationship of

yours alive.

I mean, when you're asleep, she's awake. When you're awake, she's asleep.

You live in different time zones.

I mean, when she's over here.

Hello? Jamaica?

Reverse charges?

Not today, thank you.

Hello?

Yes, we will accept the charges. Charlie!

Is everything okay?

Of course Desmond doesn't mind.

Oh, but I think you better make it quick.

Hello, sister. My little fried dumping on boiled banana.

fried dumpling and boiled banana.

Hey, don't knock it, right? It worked for pork pie. Now you should take the

out of his book.

You're the Ken in my Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Forget the leaf, just take the whole book.

What the?

Desmond and Charlie, you two still together?

I said green.

You're still chasing other people's man?

Charlie.

It may be 25 years, but I know when Shirley Ambrose is joking.

But, Shirley, you're looking good.

But what happened to that lovely purple floral blouse you used to wear?

All the time.

I've got to go. Desmond wants me to get off this phone.

Bye -bye.

Maybe she should come in here more often.

Come back in before he starts to form a puddle. Oh, yes, give me one of your big

sexy hugs.

What is it you used to call me? Your little fried dumpling and wild banana.

Looks like Pork Pie's helping himself to seconds.

I thought Pork Pie was engaged to Susu. Thank you.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Hyacinth Green, the one Pork Pie's wife catch him in bed with.

I mean, you don't have no shame.

Oh, you know me, Shirley. Not one to beat around the bush. Yeah, that's

you were always too busy in the bush.

Now, when was the last time I see you? Oh, Rye Lane.

25 years ago. That's right.

When poor pie wife run you out of peckham.

I think so.

So what brings you back to these parts? Oh, I'm up from Bristol for a few days.

My eldest has an interview at London University.

He can get three A's, you know.

Really? He must get his brains from his father.

That would help you narrow it down a bit. I also thought it would be a good

chance to catch up on old friends.

You look like you put on a bit of weight. You don't look like you can

with anything.

Oh, I get it. You're the one that caused Pork Pie's wife to leave.

Gwendolyn left you?

And you never write and tell me?

So, Pork Pie...

engaged to my sister.

Secret Mancunian recipe with a serious bash of Guyanese hot pepper sauce.

Oh, no. I'm going to be late for football practice and I'll be back by

-ish. Yes, you do that. I want to go over and raise the bumps with you

You certainly know about job incentives, don't you, Desmond?

Good job you invited me for the dinner at such short notice, Shirley. I was

going to have higher since round.

Oh? But when I look in my fridge, you only had three fish fingers and a piece

yellow yam. She hardly made that on Nouvelle Cuisine, then.

Mm -hmm.

Hyacinth Green.

25 years, boy.

And she's still looking... Still look what?

As if she put on a good hit.

I would just like to see Hyacinth Green going back up to Bristol.

You two of you never saw eye to eye, did you?

Because I have seen that woman tramp up and down on too many lives.

And when I say tramp, I mean tramp.

I've never seen you like this. And when I tell people that, they don't believe

me.

She's not going back tomorrow?

Huh? Well, they called her son back for a second interview, so she's seeing an

extradite, her cousin's in the block next to mine.

Why, would you like to come to dinner tomorrow?

I'd love to, Shirley, but I'm meeting Hyacinth for a drink tomorrow.

Popeye, I don't think you getting involved with Hyacinth is a good idea.

I'm not getting involved with Hyacinth. I'm already involved with Susu. Well,

here is somebody she never got involved with.

Very droll, Father. Remind me not to crack that one at my after -dinner

Oh, you're doing an after -dinner speech.

Well, yes.

When?

After dinner.

No, no.

Has he been at the Christmas Sherry?

Popeye, I believe this fax from Jamaica is for you.

Yes,

and could you tell her not to keep sending reverse charge faxes to my fax

home? Cost me a fortune.

I want to kiss up the whole of you until... And when I finish

with that, I'm going to... A heavy breather fax?

Here's a susu.

Blowing kisses back to you, my darling susu.

Oh, can you pass this back to her?

Call it a very early wedding present.

Anyway, look, I must go. My audience awaits.

Ladies and gentlemen, unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I'd like to take

this opportunity to welcome the young...

You know, it's amazing how something so techno, whatever you call it, like a

fax, can make you feel all warm inside.

Yes. And any hunky -punky with Hyacinth Green could put all that in jeopardy.

Hear, hear.

Well, don't judge me by my one mistake 25 years ago.

Tomorrow I'm going for a drink with my good friend, Hyacinth Green.

when you insist on buying me drinks?

I'll have to walk you home all over again.

I can't steer for a little nightcap.

The whole time, see?

You know what they say?

If the nightcap fits...

That house that we all used to lodge in? If those walls could talk, I bet you

they'd be calling our names.

Popeye!

Why you never tell me that Gwendolyn left you after we little thing?

Well, I thought it best not.

Now we miss out on a second chance.

She's so nice, they named her twice.

separated from his woman so long. You know, it's not healthy.

But I've got a good pillow I can fluff.

But can it fluff you?

Not like she's going to walk in on us, you know, like Gwendolyn did.

A cab. I'll call you a minicab. What, to the next block?

Can't you see that fate is giving us a second chance?

Oh, just think of...

Who was that on the phone?

Oh, I think she said her name was, uh, Sue Sue.

Mix up the pace, man. Mix up the pace.

I'm mixing, I'm mixing. Oh, not like that, like this. Get to me.

Papa, I'm late. Are you going to drop me to school or do I have to call a cab?

Oh, why don't I just get a flashback of Michael as a six -year -old?

It's not a precociousness.

does know his rights.

I'm sure you willful neglect.

Funny, I had the same flashback.

I'm off home.

Now, Ricardo, observe.

The lather should be as smooth as ice cream.

Ice cream's bad for your teeth.

So's a slap around the chops.

You really think you're a big man, don't you?

Yes. Good. We'll treat you like one.

Ricardo?

I thought it was only policemen who were getting younger.

Follow the contours of the face and be careful of those razor bumps.

Yes, be careful of those razor bumps.

And follow it right through, keeping the razor, I mean the comb, at an angle.

Right there.

Our morning book part? Yes, yes, yes.

Desmond, can I use your phone? No.

Some demented lollipop man is using it.

What's wrong? Someone hurt?

Yes, me.

If I don't get in touch with Susu before Susu gets a hold of me.

You sold in Jamaica?

I still stayed last night. What?

Yes, we had a bit too much to drink, so I gave her my bed. Oh.

How generous of you. But I slept on the sofa.

Susu called Hyacinth to answer, then Susu put two and two together and get

What am I going to do?

I think you better teach her a two -times table, mate.

Hello, Susu. Susu, Susu. Wait, wait, wait.

She keeps slamming on the phone every time she hears my voice. How can you

her? Pokpai, we warned you not to get involved with Hyacinth Green.

I'm not involved with Hyacinth Green. I'm not involved with anyone.

What happens to a man is innocent until proven guilty.

Okay.

Let us look objectively at the evidence before us.

You erect a bit of flat strews into town.

You whisk her off into an intimate watering hole, both stagger to your

paddock, and she ends up staying the night in your bed.

Hardly looks like a miscarriage of justice, Popeye.

Shirley, look, Susu will listen to you. Why don't you call her and tell her what

really happened?

Yeah, Susu will listen to me because she knows I'm going to tell her the truth,

and the truth is, Popeye...

I've only heard your side of the story.

Well, now you can hear the other side of the story. I didn't tell them what

happened last night.

What's that a tale?

A man, a woman, his lollipop uniform, which reminds me...

your pyjamas.

liberty. That's your problem. You're always taking liberty. Charlie, think of

your nails, your nails.

You're fooling around with my friend's husband.

You may even have tried to fool around with my stupid husband. She did not fool

around with your stupid husband.

I mean me.

But you're not going to fool around with my sister's fiancé anymore.

What do you mean by anymore?

Tell them nothing happened.

Tell them now. Who do you people think you is?

Well, if this is the way you want it, you'll be pleased to know that I'm going

back to Bristol today.

Don't you hear? She's explained already.

Now you can explain it to Susu.

Pokpai, you can't keep tormenting yourself like that.

Pokpai, Pokpai.

He has an O.

Look, guys, we definitely got to do something.

Perhaps if we try to win a game. Hey, look at it this way, Porky. You might

lost a fiancé, but you've gained an engagement ring.

I thought you were going to tell that fiancé of yours to stop sending me

This time she's told the operator that she was executor to the Bob Marley

and that she wanted to pump, and I quote here, some serious corn into the bank.

That's me. I think we've been trying the wrong approach.

I can't read it.

Read it for me, Michael.

Oh, do I have to? Yes.

Dear pork pie, since I catch you with that flingback, wee -worn, cocoa foot of

woman... Oh, do I have to do this? Yes!

A whole heap of pings have been flying around my head.

Don't bother call me, because I'll reach down that phone line, grab you by that

scrawny little neck of yours, grab she by that big old broad stomach of hers

which favour wee -cold belly pork you forget to put in the fridge, and then

twist the two of you together like I was rinsing out one of them...

Old crimpling blouses you have to wring out by hand?

Is that a marriage over even before it begins?

I know you must feel.

No, you don't. For 30 years, you've had a loving wife, a happy home. All that I

lost.

Susu changed all that.

Until stupid me, I'd do it again without even doing it again.

Oh, Porky, we've all been caught moonlighting if you know what I mean.

Oh, don't I just?

I always suspected something between me and her.

Then what's this?

Well, before the two of you, we gave them the talk of Peckham.

Every afternoon, she used to come in the barbershop, bang on half -past four,

when Shirley was looking after Michael.

She'd waltz into the shop where she's shopping and roll them big sexy eyes at

me.

Oh, what happened?

Gwendolyn through Popeye, oh, that's what happened.

And I said to myself, there but for the grace of God, you go away.

Well, take it from a man who's had his heart broken once or twice.

Okay, once.

You'll miss her, but you'll get over her.

And I miss her, Sue, even before I lose her. And I still miss her.

Don't you have beds to go to?

Yes, an empty one.

How long have you been standing here?

Long enough.

I'll go.

Licence? I thought you went back to Bristol.

I was on my way. Then I decided to call round at your place, but you weren't

there. If you think you're spending another night at Popeye's, you're sadly

mistaken.

Nothing happened between me and Popeye. At last.

I've seen you so in love with Susu.

Well, you know me.

I always did want what I can't have.

I won't interfere ever again.

You never have liked me, have you, Shirley Ambrose?

No.

I don't like the way you breeze around, causing havoc wherever you go. But you

showed me what was wrong with Pork Pie and Gwendolyn and what is right with

Pie and Susu. Well, I suppose that's something.

Just one thing, though.

Could anything have happened between you and Desmond? What?

This Desmond?

It's not so funny.

What happened to all them times you used to come in the shop with half -past

full? Oh, well, that was the time I used to leave Pork Pie.

And to make sure that Gwendolyn never catch Rihanna away home from work, what

better alibi than a spent -the -day shopping then stopped off at Desmond's?

So you see, nothing happened.

I forgive you.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

A woman you used to mess around with, spend the night in your bed, wearing

pajamas, and you say, I didn't do anything wrong.

In that case, I accept.

For a while there, I thought that you and I were no longer you and I.

At least I can put my first marriage to rest.

Miss Susu. What?

You're gone.

We just got two on your pie. I dig up your guitar, my pach. I want to go run

those. We're two of your prime breadfruit.

It's what you want me to do. And you make one of them getaway? Move.

Susu, what do you have in your room?

Sorry, pork pie, I'm back.

Susu, I saw what kind of man you have coming into your room at this time of

night.

Precious old pork pie.

He's the gardener. The gardener?

Susu and your...