Original subtitles

From the long of night to the notion free, to the damp and to the rain of sun

and city.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I'm in the room, I want my coconut

free.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the awareness, feel the interest of heaven.

not spending the whole day watching cricket with Dad.

I am desperate.

Sean's away and everybody else is working, except for Matthew, who thinks

cricket is nothing more than glorified rounders and a waste of a good lawn.

Well, he's right, isn't he? I'm actually carrying for Dad all day.

He'll be Gloria, Lager, and fix me a hard -on bully -beef sandwich out of the

trimmings. I'd rather be Fluff -me -belly -button. Why don't you just let

watch the telly in the shop?

No. OK, let's not.

The shop would be packed up with men and I'd lose all my customers.

Women feel very exposed to the hairdressers, you know.

Especially that delicate period between the sink and the blow dryer when

anything could happen.

That women don't just wash and go. We wash and stay in our day, mate.

I don't see what all the fuss is about myself.

I mean, it's not as if it's football, is it?

Ricky. The last person to sit in Desmond's chair when the West Indies

out looking like he'd gone ten rounds with the Clippers.

They get a bit carried away, doesn't they? He came in my room this morning

made me sign over all rights to the remote control.

Lucky when I lived here, I was the remote control.

What's the score, man?

What's the score?

Was that Popeye just breezed away?

Hardly a breeze.

If we ran it faster, the Met Office would have issued a hurricane warning.

Stand back, my man. You better call me like a blowtorch for a minute.

Sorry.

Vince, relax your shoulders. Lean into it. Make your wrists do the work.

This is where you take this thing for. Come dancing.

Where do you think you're going? I paid you to stay with him.

Dad paid me more to go away.

You don't need me. I could put pies with him.

You know this girl, Gloria? Yeah.

Coming for four in a something -hover. Or something.

The Mexican way is hard work when he's only three of you.

Isn't it funny how sports allows repressment to get in touch with the

child? Yeah.

Since when does one on pork pie need an excuse to behave like children?

That's strange. I could have sworn it was here. You said that a mile back,

Uncle.

Why can't men ever admit when they're lost?

Always got to front with this internal compass thing.

We're here.

Ah, yes, okay.

Um, so if we go that way... Forget it.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know if we can get to Desmond's Barbershop from here?

Desmond's? Yeah, of course. Why do you know him? You could say that.

Oh.

You know I'll laugh when you say how close you are.

Oh, maybe not.

I'll tell you what.

I'll bung this gear in the boot and then I'll give you a lift.

I've got to go past that way to get to me stall anyway.

That's a great accent you have.

Are you one of those cockney?

Oh, technically, no.

That's too bad.

I thought I found a black cockney. Wouldn't that have been something?

But on a clear day, you can hear the sound of the bow bells from right here

Peckham, where I was born.

I just love all this quaint pathology stuff.

I'm the real thing, girl.

You tourists should see us real working -class Londoners, not some birds in

Common Garden giving it the Eliza Doolittle touch.

We're actually here on some business.

My name's Juaninka Rone, and this is my uncle.

The Reverend Marvin Jones III.

Who's that?

The first.

Prince?

You're so cute.

Just lift the lever on the side. Thank you.

So, would your royal cottoniness be willing to show me the real London?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

I'll tell you what, if you wait for me at Desmond's, I'll pick you up on the

back.

We might not be there that long.

I'll call you.

Yeah, you do that.

All right, Sean.

Bye, Sean.

That was Sean.

He sends his love.

Ah, it's good to see he hasn't inherited his father's repressed nature.

Notice how freely he uses the word love.

No, what he actually said was, hold tight, Mum.

Desmond's crew just big up your status. Scene.

Yeah, well, actually, he and Spider are, and I quote, mashing up the junglies

massive all over Birmingham.

Uncle, are you sure this is it?

Yep, it's been a while, but this place is left on my memory. Can I help you?

I doubt it.

No one's ever too far gone for us.

Send forth the man. There is no hiding place.

The eye of the Lord is all seeing.

Don't have to tell me. I'm a God -fearing woman. So am I.

Sometimes.

I have traveled thousands of miles to find him.

I have been cast out into the wilderness and will not find redemption until the

doer of dark deeds is brought to justice.

Can I fix your cuppa while you're waiting?

I didn't know that there was a James Brown convention in London.

There's one thing I know. I am not cutting all that here by myself.

Bring him forth.

That dark disciple must not be allowed to prosper. There's no one fit in that

description here.

Hark! The transgressor cometh.

The

perpetrator,

I presume.

The puppy who?

My name is Juanica Rone, attorney at law, and this is my uncle.

The Reverend Marvin Jones III of the Pentecostal Rock of Ages Church of

Philadelphia.

And what can I do for you, my man?

Hand over your worldly goods.

What? What stupidness is this?

He's just kidding.

I wish somebody would share the joke.

We're suing you, Desmond Ambrose, as the proprietor of Desmond's Barbershop.

I don't believe this.

How can I be sued by someone I've never seen before?

Read this at your leisure.

This isn't America.

Suing people is not a national pastime here.

No, we've got more responsibility.

We're suing for deep mental trauma and psychological distress culminating in

marital breakdown and a complete loss of income resulting from a haircut in this

shop.

And what?

Have all them fancy words got to do with Desmond?

Two years ago, while working as a missionary on a church exchange, I was

into that chair with smooth words and falsehoods from the folk tongue of that

man.

Therein, he did proceed to alter my appearance with such vigor, such gusto,

I did leave that chair looking for all the world like a wrongdoer and

philanderer.

How come I never leave the chair looking like that?

Okay. Desmond does the best he can with the little he's got.

You're talking about all I do is cut hair.

Upon returning home, my wife took one look at my shorn head, complete with go

-faster stripes, and assumed Jack's business was not the only thing I came

England for. Now, gentlemen, we all know how the female mind is driven by

suspicion. The female mind. The man suing you is not asking you to join a

support group.

I haven't grown back a long time. I can't help it if your wife don't

style.

It's your fault I acquired that particular style in the first place.

When my wife left, so did my mostly female flock.

There was no way they were going to stand by a man accused of hanky -panky.

And I lost my primetime TV show. Go downtown and pray.

And all because of you watching cricket and letting those clipper -happy hands

loose on my head.

Who you calling Clipper Happy?

You be the rapping reverend. Yo. You came in here two summers ago when the

cricket was on.

Are you the one that wanted to cast your net among the youth of Peckham?

What's the one?

As I recall it, you came in here and begged me to help you update your image.

No hero caught in the world would update them Cuban eels.

You said you wanted to fit in.

Considering the absence of Tony that day, I thought I did a good job.

You call this a good job?

Look, Miss Ronay, there's no way we're going to accept responsibility for your

uncle's mental health or his marriage.

You say it like it is, Shirley. I have stood by Desmond when he had some of the

worst haircuts in creation.

In the 50s, he had a slick back you could skate on.

In the 60s, a middle parting that Moses and all the children of Israel could

pass through.

Yes, he had sideburns that used to frighten small children.

But did you hear me filing for divorce?

Them sideburns frighten me, and I was not going to.

I'm sure everybody get a picture.

Do you think I've seen your face somewhere before?

That's original, Matthew.

Yes. Ebony magazine.

Do you think I should meet such an esteemed figure as you in these shabby

surroundings? Shabby ain't the word.

Listen, Reverend.

I'm a very skilled barber of great repute, and I will take you to every

this land to clear my name. You're making a quite outrageous claim.

I don't care what he says.

This slanderer won't get a single penny from me.

Who said anything about pennies? I'd say a good settlement would be around about

500 ,000 U .S. dollars, excluding cost.

Here you are. You'll feel better once you've got this down, yeah? I'll still

ruined. Oh, I don't think it'll come to that. They were just trying to scare us

into a settlement.

Well, I'm sure they'll run into something.

Desmond, talk a good fight, though.

That slanderer will not be getting a penny from me.

Yes, I thought you showed great courage in the face of such a position.

But quite frankly, Desmond, I don't think you stand a chance in hell.

Why? You're meant to be his friend. Yes, and as his friend, I'm duty -bound to

tell him the truth.

I'm assuming you haven't read last month's Ebony magazine?

Top 100 African -American lawyers featuring our friend Janika Roney. She

loses a case. Well, it'll take more than big hair and a push -up bra to scare

any of us.

I think that long hair...

Walking, jewellery, stand -off, a preacher can frighten me. We'll have our

in court.

Could lose everything before ever you can get for sale, Your Honour.

Surely? I want me bed.

Gloria? Yes, Daddy?

I want me money back.

What, they gone already?

Barney just dropped them off. Dropped who off?

What she say her name was, um, Danica or something.

You? You brought them here?

Yeah.

Duranica is a lawyer, and the Reverend is seeing Desmond for a dodgy haircut he

had two years ago.

Oh, well, if I'd have known that, I'd have taken him to Fat Larry's. Well, you

give them what they want.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous, Desmond. It's not Lee's fault.

You can't blame a dustman because of Robbie's stink.

Lee is under no legal obligation to pay for your blandness, Desmond, but there

is a way he can make amends.

Lee, do you plan to see the illustrious Miss Rone again?

Yeah, she's calling me later.

Splendid. You are left with only one option.

You will have to nobble her.

Richo!

This is where me and my fellow mates will hang out. The best place in London.

Oh, it's so pretty.

Oh, yeah, and over there you've got St Paul's, see? St Paul's, of course.

Yeah.

And over there, right there, is the old man's river.

Just a little smaller than your Mississippi, I think. Oh, I think it

be.

Right.

Down the hatch, girl.

Cheers.

Has that soup been in your family long?

These buttons date right back to the first pearly dynasty of Peckham.

All hand -nicked by old Mars Stanley.

Oh, how quaint.

It really is good of you to show me around like this.

These days everyone's got an ulterior motive.

Oh, it makes you sick, doesn't it, eh?

So when do you fly back then?

In a couple of days.

Uncle's guesting at an outdoor prayer fest tomorrow.

Why? What did you have in mind?

Nothing.

Just thought we'd come and do deadover.

Don't even go there, Lee, OK?

We agreed the case was off limits.

Okay, okay.

I can't help thinking about Des and how much he loves that show.

I could try.

I hope that's not the only reason we're here. Because if it is, you're wasting

your time.

That's what you think.

I don't know why I bought it to pay staff if I do all the donkey work

Oh, Desmond. stop complaining. Vince needs to practice and Ricky had to go to

the dentist. Apparently that tooth kept him awake all night.

Children today don't know they're born.

Well, we had a toothache. There were no fancy dentists for us.

Yes, sir.

Piece of string slam on the door and it bobs your uncle.

And we thought we were lucky.

Yeah, man. And if there was no string, you just slam the door and run into it.

Oh, it's been so quiet around here these last few days.

Yes, that's because I left you down here with old snail fingers.

The man could spend two hours over a man's head and don't say a word. He is

bleeding the warmth out of this establishment.

Only a fool of us can keep on these wages.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, Father, glad to see you in better spirits.

Can't keep a good barber down.

The books are ready.

What does the literature have to say?

Well, it's very difficult to tell the way these things will go. I mean, Father

may have been a tad negligent, watching cricket while working, but the Reverend

didn't make a complaint at the time or request follow -up hair care, which

stand in our favor.

But the business could still be ruined.

Oh, no, I don't think it's that drastic.

All we've got to do is try and reason with the man.

He must be finding it very difficult coming to terms with his wife leaving.

Why have you always got to be so understanding?

Somebody want to throw you over a cliff, you say, oh, don't put your back out.

Will your milk of human kindness never run dry? No.

I ordered extra when I married you.

The devil.

Wrong side, my friend. I'm cheering for the home team.

If you want to sling mud, you sling it at my lawyer. That's what I'm paying

Wait, I come in peace, brother.

day, children.

I sat in my hotel room, alone and destitute, amen, saved for the presence

Lord.

I thought I'd better try to get used to these long, long, lonely nights.

And I didn't look to my Lord for counsel. Now, I didn't have to look too

see, because he was right there.

And he called me.

Softly at first, he said, Marvin, I said, what?

He said, Marvin!

I said, what?

Give the man a chance, Desmond. He may have changed his mind. Preach, Reverend,

preach. He said, Marvin! Um, I think we're all quite clear on how this

conversation started.

Pray continue.

Pardon the pun, but without me.

The Lord said, Marvin!

Go to this man!

Take Satan!

from his head.

And I said, get out of here, Lord.

But you know how persuasive the good old Lord can be.

When I entered here, I heard somebody speak of me as a devil.

It's just a figure of speech, Reverend.

I know.

But the devil is among us. There's evil forces working here. Well, at least it

keeps them off the streets.

My brother, I know you're afraid, which is why I've come to help you.

Well, at least you could cancel that stupid lawsuit.

Are you nuts? No, I'm going to get paid with that. No, no, no, no.

I'm here to save your soul.

Close him, Lord.

Same again?

Oh, no, please, allow me. It's the least I can do.

What do you think

you're doing?

Is this your definition of nobbling?

Man, how long you been here?

I've been trailing you for most of the morning. I knew you wouldn't recognize

behind this airport paperback.

Look, if she catches you, we're rumbled.

Well, I was the mastermind of this plan.

It's up to me to see it properly executed.

And though your stories of old London town move me, we mustn't forget the real

reason we are here. To get Desmond off the hook. Look, I've tried, but she

even talk about it. Well, think barrister, not barrow boy.

Don't mind, she's coming.

I knew you were putting me on. You fake!

When? Oh, Tuanica, look.

I can explain. It weren't my idea. When I asked the guy for some how'd you feel,

he said he felt fine and asked me how I was doing.

Yeah.

That cockney humour can be a killer, can't it?

Oh, goodness.

Oh, don't worry about him. He's a bit doolally.

Here, dig in.

I want to get a picture of you eating this stuff.

Get on with it. All right, all right.

All right.

I know you said you don't want to talk about it, right? But I think what your

uncle's doing to Des is bang out of order.

He's family, Lee. You do the same.

But what if it weren't the haircut?

I mean, maybe his marriage was in stock beforehand.

Maybe.

But the haircut was the last straw.

At least that's what he told everyone.

Oh, well, he ain't suffering in silence, then. He doesn't know how.

Explain something to me, yeah?

If I can.

Now... I ain't no legal eagle, right, but I've watched my fair share of L .A.

law.

Now, if someone goes around, right, attacking the good reputation of someone

else, could that not be construed as defamation of character?

At the simplest level, yes.

OK, take your time on this, yeah?

Who would have the stronger case?

Someone, let's say a barber, for argument's sake, yeah?

Pillar of the community, professional children.

wife, does a lot of work for charity, and holds down a full -time job, you

that sort of thing. I mean, who would you put your money on? This good, honest

barber whose character has been defamed, or, for argument's sake again, a funky

reverend whose wife doesn't trust him and has been thrown out of church.

Yes!

You said it was in the power of prayer.

Well, I'm coming to you now. I'm praying. What's wrong with Reverend

now? There's one spirit pecking!

Good grief, it's the Pally Prince of Peckham.

Uncle, are you all right?

We've got to talk.

Yeah, I'm fine, kitten.

I'll see you in court.

Uh, maybe not. We'll talk on the way. Let's go.

Sorry for wasting your time.

What you talking about, girl? Come on, Uncle.

Bye, Lee.

Bye.

Oh, we're going to pay the hotel bill, child. No, wait a minute. I'm going to

send you to law school for this.

No law suits your student age.

You mean you actually got her to drop it?

But, Lee, that's marvellous. Yes, she was rather good under my expetution.

I told her straight. I said, hey, it takes more than a barnet fair cut for

trouble and strife to leave me in the right hole, two and eight on the Jack

Jones, I said.

Yeah, well, Lee, I don't know what you said, but thank you for saying it. Yeah.

Me old China.