Original subtitles

From the long hot night to the notion free, to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss Miranda, watch my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the awareness, feel the action.

Eat it or leave it alone.

Gloria.

I hate him.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. I hate him. Oh, don't be so silly. Of course you

hate him. So Alex is away a few days longer than you expected.

He doesn't love me anymore.

I don't even like you at this moment.

And don't look at me like you just lay an egg.

It's grown -up time now, you know. You can't come round here to stay every...

Every time Alex works away from home.

Well, I don't mind giving up my bed.

I mean, it was your old room before I came to live here.

Ricky, what have I told you about eating and reading at the table?

Don't you encourage Gloria?

Me and Alex have big plans for this weekend.

Well, why don't we do something this evening?

Hmm? How about a girls' night out? There's a new Greek restaurant just

Oh, great. I love moussaka.

Ricky, firstly, you're not a girl. And secondly...

Who asked you?

That's sexist, isn't it? Yes.

So. No, I'm okay.

I'm going to stay in, watch some TV, have a long bath. Yeah, watch your

grow.

Gloria, look at me. I'm glad Desmond's not here.

It gives me a little time to myself. It's very important that you keep a

piece of yourself for you.

I understand, Mum. Thanks.

I just want to see you. Oh, Gloria.

All right, all right. This Greek restaurant, then.

Is it the one where you can dance on the table and smash all the plates? What do

you think? I want to go. Oh, great.

What about Dad? He's back this evening. Oh, don't worry yourself about him.

After his weekend of being principal guest speaker at the West Indian Barbers

Association annual conference, all he'll want to do is... He'll tell us how

brilliant he was and then fall asleep.

Maybe I should have gone with him.

Missing Dad, are we?

Love isn't just for the young, you know, Gloria.

Oh.

Oi, do you want that, Mum?

What are you doing?

What does it look like? Listen, there's no step while he's away. Matthew and I

should make ourselves useful. So that's what we're doing.

You should be grateful, Vince.

As you're on your own, you're going to need all the help you can get. You know

the best way to help me? No.

Park your backside on that bench and...

You're so stubborn, eh? Even when we were in the band, you couldn't tell him

anything. He used to be drumming a boss enough a bit while we were trying to

play calypso.

You must learn to accept help, Vince, man, not do everything yourself.

There's an old African saying.

The hen knows it is done, but leaves the announcement to the cockerel. Think

about it.

Why do you have to speak plain English?

Well, sit down.

What are you doing, boy?

I'm just squaring my circle.

What did he say?

That's what my mum used to say when she couldn't be bothered to explain

something. Ricky, find something to do before something to you.

Ah, Flora, what are you doing this morning?

I have a man with a long curly perm coming in for your trim. Sorry, Vince.

got an interview with the editor of the Peckham Gazette today. And before that,

I've got some errands to run for mum, starting with the post. Now, Sean can

hair. Yeah, but Sean ain't here.

Lee's paying him to decorate some flat in Peckham Rye. I didn't know Lee could

paint and things.

Yeah, he can't. Her name is Janet.

I've told him time and time again, don't be so available.

But will he listen?

See ya.

Ah, Gloria, good to see you so bright and early. Don't be too long, we've all

got to pull our waiters' fathers away.

Don't you frighten yourself sometimes?

Ah, good morning, Vincent.

Ricky, ready for work, are we?

Good.

What are you two doing here so early? I didn't realise you had to clock in to

sit around and do nothing. Shouldn't you be at the bank? It's Saturday, and

besides, duty calls.

What's that?

You can't cut here?

You've been watching Father all my life. How difficult can it be?

Ah, morning, Maki.

Ah, morning, sir.

The usual Maki?

May I suggest, sir, try something slightly different today?

You don't see that as my customer?

Um, who's in charge?

Hello?

How's Brittle?

What?

You forget your speech for this afternoon?

But I put it in your hand.

Look, you check your bag.

Now, which table, Desmond?

The dining table?

Okay, hang on. I'll look for it.

Wait a minute.

We were standing right here.

I put the envelope in your hand. You say, thank you, Shirley.

And I say, it's a pleasure.

Then you say,

where my hat?

And I said, it's on your head.

Then you say, thank you, Shirley, girl. And you sat down right here to wait for

the taxi. You definitely had the speech in your hand. Then... Nothing.

sat in your chair with me.

See?

Oh, he's still on the line.

Desmond, I'm coming.

Hey?

No. No one. I was just talking to myself.

No, sorry.

All right, I'll just keep on looking for it. And when I find it, I'll fax it to

you.

All right?

Bye -bye, Desmond. Bye.

Even while you're away, you still gave me trouble.

Careful. You're cutting it a bit too short.

Do this side now, to balance it out. Oh, look, you two. We're only trying to

help. I think I'm doing rather well, considering it's my first time.

You're getting a nice shape down the back.

You know, I wasn't sure at first, but then I realised all you have to do is

simply follow the natural hairline down from the ear, which takes the right

angle, which then leads you to the correct shape.

Look, it won't take us that long to paint again, Sean. You, you mean? I do

a life, you know.

Yeah, so the decorating is going all right, then? No.

Look, we've just got to paint the sitting room again, that's all.

Look, Lee, next time, just buy the paint from a legit paint shop.

Dare I ask what colour you've painted the wall?

Oh, and the ceiling.

Yellow.

Got it cheap off my mate Barry, who works for the council.

Oh, he got me a whole range of colours.

The council painted my kitchen yellow. Yeah, but this is the stuff you paint

yellow lines on the road with.

Now, that is right.

Yeah, well, I didn't know you'd been shifted to the roads and parks

did I?

Look, all we've got to do, right, is get the rest of the paint, see what colours

we've got left, right, get back to work. Now, once we've got that done, it's me,

you, and cracking sauce out on the rads tonight.

Um, Lee, does my father know about this little storeroom of yours?

Well, I should hope so. He's charging me $2 .50 a day.

This is the last time I'm hoping you out, man, even if you are paying me for

You need to rethink your strategy on how to get a woman, cos this ain't working.

Look, it'll be all right. Just wait and see.

I wish Barry had labelled these paint cans.

All right, here goes it.

Oh, yellow.

Yellow.

How's it going, Vince? Don't talk to me, mate. What's your cut in here?

Ignorance is truly fragile in such a big man.

Yellow.

Tenzing, everybody.

Smart boy.

The time is eleven -fifth.

But it's only ten o 'clock.

Oh, red.

Oh, well, wicked. What kind of red is it?

It's red root red.

Holy! Oh, Sean, Sean, no, wait. Look. Hello, everybody.

All right, Mandy. Is your mum and Sean? Yeah, try upstairs.

Morning, everyone.

Morning, Mandy.

Oh, Deadman, I thought you were...

Michael? Ah, Mandy.

You don't know anything about barbering. Ah, not you as well.

You're taking advantage of the sale at miles of material. Yes, Shirley told me

about it. It's a wonderful shop. I have never seen so many designs.

Authentic African prints and the colours.

Authentic African prints in Beckham? Well, let me have a look.

Well, well, well.

Oh, yes.

They like all these English designs in the cabia.

How much did you pay for this one? Well, it was a bargain. £5 .50 a yard.

Last price.

I have this shirt. I got it in 1963.

I've been looking for a dressmaker to make a copy.

Do you work in Sears, sucker?

Ricky,

are you going to help me with these bags or what?

Don't speak to Ricky like that, Gloria.

It's all right, Michael.

Gloria's having a bit of a time.

Emotionally off centre.

You know, crying and everything.

Alex is going to be away a bit longer than she thought, so... What's your

skin made out of? Rhino white?

Love is a terrible thing, I know.

I've had my heart broken many times.

Is this an introduction to another of your stories?

Yes. Her name was Petunia Castello.

She was a beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet -smelling woman.

I can see why she left you.

I really knew how to move her body, but I could still teach her a step or two.

She was a dancer.

Anyway, she got a break to go off for dancing on one of these cruise ships.

And so I told her she had to go and not give a second thought to me, who would

be left all alone, trying to find a reason to carry on living.

Ah, so you made it easy for her then, did you, Porkpie?

That's such a sad story, Porkpie. You were so brave.

Yes, but by then I discovered that she couldn't cook.

You've really cheered me up. Thanks, Uncle Porkpie. Gloria, I want to work

you. Sure. Upstairs.

Yes. And you've looked everywhere.

Yes. Then we can safely say it's not.

Oh, look, that's another story, Dad.

Why did they all... What?

Irresponsible, quarrelsome, irritating, forgetful? Who knows?

Gloria, those letters you posted for me that were on the table, you didn't post

it with them by mistake, did you? I think I would have noticed, Mum. I put

inside one of my old college folders.

You know, the one with all that red ribbon -y stuff on it, remember?

Yes. You mean this one?

The one he said he wouldn't be seen dead with.

Then I put it in one of the plain envelopes. One of these.

Yeah. Then he left it on the table.

I think I might have posted it after all. You see, if your mind wasn't on

Alex boy, you would have seen that the envelope only had Desmond written on it.

It's all my fault, is it? Yes.

Now, run back to the post box. Wait for the postman to come and empty the box.

Then rescue it.

Don't worry, all right? Just don't worry.

Stay in. I got to the post box just as the mailman was just about to leave with

the mail.

It's gone.

What are you going to do?

I'll go.

Can you remember any of it? No, but you must be able to remember something.

Um, right.

Come, Gloria.

Write this down. All right.

Now, how did you begin?

Um, friends, barbers, countrymen.

Lend me your shares.

I never realised this barber was so taxing. My hands are killing

me.

Listen, everybody.

We've got a crisis on our hands.

Desmond forgot to take his speech. Gloria posted it by mistake with some

letters. Now we can't remember a word of it. So we need your help.

If we put our heads together, I'm sure we can come up with something even

than he had before.

I mean, we're all talented, educated, humorous, generous people. Don't blow

So, let's make Desmond's day, yeah? He'd be so grateful. All right, Shirley.

Give me some paper.

How did he take the bad news?

Well, he doesn't know it's lost yet.

Oh, he's going to kick off. We're forever bailing him out of some

situation he's got himself embroiled in. I mean, do we have to do this, Mother?

Yes, because he's your father. I'm your mother. I'm not asking you. I'm telling

you. Here.

Got some pens if anyone wants?

Oh, don't worry about me.

As I'm a student, I always have a pen on my person.

My father sent this over from Africa when I was about to take my very first

exam. Oh, so it's an antique.

So, Desmond's speech is supposed to be about the barbershop in the old days,

what it's like now, and how he imagines it might be in the future. You mean

yesterday, today, and tomorrow?

Seeing as I was here in the beginning, I'll do yesterday.

I think Michael ought to do tomorrow.

Yes, I've got some pretty radical and revolutionary ideas I'd like to put to

him, and this might be the best way to do it. It spares me having to tell you

it's rubbish to your face.

Right, I'll do today.

I know I'm only part -time, but there's a few things I want to say about work

conditions, pay, holidays.

Vince, you want to stay part -time or go no -time?

I'm going to write about all the exciting things I've learned from Mr

Can you make sweeping up sound exciting?

Just get right in. It's 12 o 'clock and Desmond needs this speech by 2 o 'clock

this afternoon.

Oh, all right. Having my beautiful daughter Gloria around, even though she

her own career as a fabulous journalist, is a true asset to the today feel of

the barbershop.

Gloria,

just stop your stupidness and write it in.

Time is running out. But surely it won't get to Desmond by 2 o 'clock. He's in

Bristol.

Pork pie, we've come a long way since the days of the carrier pigeon.

Michael, pork pie, we're going to fax it to him, okay?

So just write something, anything.

Who's paying Desmond's hotel bill?

Don't encourage him, anyone.

It must be very expensive hotel. He'd be at the fax in every room.

No, the fax is probably at reception, pork pie. Unless, of course, he's in a

suite, in which case the fax would be in his room. Now, I once say that the

purple marigold... There'll be nothing to fax to Desmond if we don't stop

chatting and get right in.

I'm still waiting, you know. Oh, sorry, Seabird.

I bet Mr Ambrose uses my bit by keeping Matthew with cups of tea, sandwiches,

keeping my room tidy and not playing my music to him.

Oh, look, Ricky, something for you to sweep up.

Here we are.

Admire the material. I'm to ask for a little man called Douglas and ask him

the sale price can be higher than the retail price. Right. I'm going to enjoy

this.

Well, thank you for all your hard work.

No, it was a pleasure, Shirley. I really enjoyed myself.

Was it you that wrote about the barbershop being an oasis in the midst

Peckham Bridge with memories of times gone by?

That was me.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing, nothing. He won't use that. Well, it is better than suggesting that

Desmond turn the shop in a driving hamburger joint with a little bit of

cutting on the side.

I never wrote that. No, I did. And what I was talking about was the modern

approach to life. I mean, we've got video, cashpoint machines, fast food.

haircut? Not in your case, Vince.

No, the idea is to be able to get a haircut and a meal as well, if you so

choose. But we have that already.

Cheers.

Has there been a phone to thank us yet?

Oh, we don't know if he's received it yet. Then I'm going to dedicate a whole

chapter in my memoirs to today's writing event and how I saved Desmond's bacon

once again.

Popeye, haven't I told you that memoirs are fact, not fiction?

What did Dad have to say?

We haven't heard a word yet.

Ah, he's probably busy memorizing his speech for this afternoon.

Uh, my father in 45 minutes.

Well, the point is, I faxed Dad his speech, and while I was there, I faxed

Alex to tell him how much I missed him. I hope he's going to fax me back.

Hmm. I wish they had invented faxes when I was young and caught him frantic

finding my clean talk.

In my hometown, the nearest post office was ten miles away, and I couldn't

drive. And?

Well, one day we had a row, so the next day Franzi Fanny came to visit me.

But I was out walking the ten miles to the post office to send her my letter of

apology. She never called again.

Oh, never mind, Matthew.

Hello. Ah, Father.

OK, all right.

What was the talk to you?

Thank you, Michael.

Hi, Desmond.

Well?

What?

Yes, Desmond, and, um, goodbye and thank you.

Oh, do you know what the man said?

No. He said it's dull.

He said some of it is all right, but it isn't funny enough.

He wants jokes, too.

He said we should think of some humorous events that happened in the shop to

liven it up, and he's phoning back in ten minutes.

Oh, so he doesn't want to put us under any pressure, then.

Ten minutes haven't gone yet. Desmond?

Desmond?

Look. It's not ten minutes laps since lunch.

Oh, Alex.

I'm sorry. She can't come to the phone right now. Family crisis. Bye.

No!

Yeah,

Dad? Listen, everybody's written a funny story for you, but mine's the funniest,

so I'll go first, right?

You got a pen?

Right. Do you remember that time when you suggested to Mum that she does the

manicures and the pedicures?

Yeah, it's funny. Let me finish.

And the only people that turned up were these three council workmen digging up

the road. And when they took off the boards, you let them down.

of other people's feet.

So what's it called then?

Photophobia!

Give me the phone.

What for?

Dad said he wanted a funny story. You failed, so give me the phone. Listen,

only thing funny is your hair.

Oh yeah, and your suit.

Anyway, Dad, listen, what?

We should do it slowly.

Get her off the phone. Let me talk to Desmond. My story is definitely funny.

Desmond, you remember the time when that Jamaican brother came in the shop and

he wanted an haircut?

And when you started cutting his hair, he went mad because he said he wanted a

haircut, not a haircut.

Hair in his hairs.

What? Well, Vince thinks it's funny.

I'll soon show you something funny.

Let me tell you a matter about the shampoo.

What shampoo?

You know, the job lot of shampoo Desmond got from Lee. What happened again?

Dandruff epidemic.

Three people tried to sue Desmond.

That's not funny, Matthew. I couldn't sleep for nearly a week worried sick

where we were going to get all this money from.

There was that time when you always tell me when he's finished.

Desmond, you're still there?

Boy, you hear the noise in the shop?

Everyone is... What? What did you say?

Desmond?

What happened? Ran out of money.

Oh, God. Well, I know the number. We'll call him back. He said something about a

taxi and the time.

Twenty -five to two. He had to leave to get to the hall. It's quite a drive.

Well, we tried.

But did we try hard enough?

What happened?

Well, we went to buy some more paint to cover up the yellow, right? Then I

remembered I had a tin of sunset tangerine in the back of the motor. So

said...

OK, I suggested that we should rag -roll the walls and it would really look

nice. So he made me tear up the dust sheet that was covering the sofa, dip it

the paint and roll it on the walls.

Yeah, we was doing all right until some paint went in Sean's eye. He dropped the

rag, I dashed to save it, accidentally pushed Sean, who rolled across the wet

walls and onto the sofa.

I don't think Danny's going to see me again.

Mum, it was so shaming. Yeah, and knackering.

Well, I'm so exhausted.

I never knew that using one's creative juices could be so draining.

Once Desmond gets back here and ting, then we can eat, eh, sure? Yes, Popeye,

you've earned it.

Well, I just saw something up, but I think I'm suffering from writer's elbow.

Small boy, this place is rather scrumptious.

I should know.

Would you like to stay for dinner, Michael?

I'd love to, Mother, but Mandy's prepared a little something.

It's her special occasion.

What? Well...

19 weeks since our engagement.

Oh, and I forgot to send you a card.

Isn't that wonderful?

Look, I've just collected my fax from Alex.

Ah!

Now, where is Edmund? He should be here by now.

Maybe he stopped talking with some friend.

Or drowned his sorrows.

I'm sure it went well, Mr Grant. You gave him some good stuff.

If he performed it well enough.

Oh, Desmond's a great performer.

Yeah, man. Remember how we used to do all the chatting to the audience

we played a gig?

How could I forget?

Yeah, the music reviews used to talk about Desmond's rapport with the

Yes, but what did they say about the music?

I don't remember all the details.

Any more tea, Shirley?

No, no, a couple of father's beers, if you're interested.

Yeah, man.

I don't like fizzy drinks, anyway.

What's he done now?

Oh, nothing.

He said the speech was a huge success.

In fact, it was so successful, they've asked him to stay over tonight and give

the wrap -up speech for the conference tomorrow.

What? Yes. The title is The Future of Small Businesses and could be faxed to

by first thing in the morning.

One more thing.

He said, and make it funny.