Original subtitles

From the long, hot lake to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

and city.

We come from the south to live in the cold, I miss my grandma, want my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your way to the sea.

Hold it, teddy boy, and stop screwing up your face.

I'm about to impart to you knowledge that's been passed down through the

from century to century, from generation to generation, from father to son.

I didn't know your father was a barber.

He wasn't, Ricky.

But the only thing that Desmond likes more than the sound of his own voice is

the sound of his own voice.

Rhetoric is obviously not your forte, my dear Matthew.

No, he's blue like these blues.

You're so full of hot air. If you tied one to your mouth, it will blow out by

itself.

I don't understand how you're going to teach me to shave using a balloon.

That's the way I learn to shave and that's the way you're going to learn.

going to teach you everything I know.

Sir, that should take about two minutes.

And you'll take me less than two minutes to throw one ignorant, over -educated,

middle -aged student out of my shop.

Desmond, how you can be so rude to Matthew?

Practice.

Right, now Ricky, come here. This is a razor.

I'm going to sharpen it, and then I'm going to teach you how to... Hey,

I see you're going through the old balloon routine. You should wise up,

real -life models.

Fat Larry does.

If you think that man is so clever, why don't you be our real -life model and

let Ricky practice on you? No, sir, not me. I would never forgive myself if I

allowed you to cut my throat before I finish my memoirs.

Well, you go back to your lollipopping and keep your face out of my business.

Tetchy this morning, aren't we? And to think that my book portrays you as

lovable, modest, charismatic, and even -tempered?

Who you writing about, Popeye? Gandhi?

Me, of course. Dr.

Jekyll. He'll get to the Mr. Hadbit on page two.

Page two? Listen, knucklehead, I've already filled two of these notebooks.

Well, three letter word on each page.

Tell us, because all you know is schoolbook learning, whereas I have been

exposed to the wicked and wonderful world out there.

Yes, you, me, and Errol Flynn.

It takes real -life experiences to keep the reader spellbound.

Jazzy D, you remember that night we played in the bootlegger's arms in

Oh, yes. Big, fat, beefy Scottish landlord.

Big Mac. Big Mac. Big Mac Horses. That's him.

Well, I was going through some of our old photographs last night, and I came

across this one.

Oh, Lord.

I'd forgotten all about this.

Well, I don't know how many rums you had in you before Macpherson persuaded you

to try on one of his Scottish kilts in true old style, but there you were

prancing around like a jaybird in hot coal.

The skirt was bouncing up and down, and underneath, he was as naked as the day

he was born.

Shut up, Popeye. Go on, Popeye. I've never had this sorry before.

You know, I didn't know you women could behave so badly, peeping up onto the

man's skirt.

Popeye, I think we're going to tear up this picture right now. No, no, no, man.

I'm thinking of using it on the cover of my book.

You better not. Come on, Ricky.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if I got one of those big, fancy book prizes.

I can just see it now.

And this year's Evening Standard Book Prize goes to...

Augustus Neapolitan Cleveland, run!

If that ever happened, I would eat all my boots and go out and get a job.

Charlie, Charlie, I'm going to faint.

I feel sick, sick, sick all over my body.

Well, if you're that sick, take your body and get out of here.

Desmond, behave.

What's the matter, Beverly?

My heart is so...

is just up the road.

I'm a Christian woman, and I don't like to badmouth the Lord, but on the day he

created man, he was very misguided.

And he's nothing but worming.

Surely, I have to talk to you, but not in front of these, these things.

This is a barbershop. What do you expect to find here, Batrians?

Surely I better text you upstairs. If I attempt to shave anybody right now, I'd

definitely draw blood.

Come, Beverly.

Why do you treat her like that?

Boy, there's things wrong here that you have to learn.

Yes, Ricky, you see, Beverly and Desmond are like cat and dog.

What do you mean?

Dogs don't really want to catch cats when they chase them.

It's just a game that they both like to play.

Look at these.

Just look at these.

Letters? Love letter.

Love letter? Someone send these to you? You suggesting I'm a loose woman getting

love letters from you?

I found them.

Where? Where you might ask.

I will just put in back going out shoe, back in the shoe box.

I like to polish them regular, you know.

This is definitely his handwriting.

Stop turning them around in your hand and read one.

My little flower.

I am longing to be with you so that I can tell you how much I love you.

I want to be with you forever.

You hear that?

He never wanted me. All the time, it was she.

But who is she?

I don't know. There's no name.

Read. Read some more.

Light of my life.

letter writing business has been going on for years but this one this one this

could only have been written in the last year this is my lavender scented paper

my friend jasmine gave me as a christmas present or was it my jasmine scented

paper my friend

about this?

You're mad?

That didn't cut me up so bad. The devil himself guide my hand.

I cut up his shoes.

I cut up his slippers.

Then I cut up all his socks.

But I'm calmer now.

I couldn't be calmer.

So what you gonna do now?

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Don't worry, Beverly.

We'll get something sorted out.

Listen, I don't need your...

I might as well just kill myself.

Don't leave.

That is electric.

Hold it still, now, man.

How many more are you going to do before I can have a go?

Last time, then, is your turn. Now, remember, Ricky... One straight, smooth,

downward stroker.

And I'm going to regret asking this.

But what's up with fainting, Fanny?

Beverly's in a spot of bother.

I thought you were going to tell me something new.

Well, this is different.

She and Cuthbert have had a falling out.

Well, send us your marriage guidance bureau.

She needs a place to stay, so I'm asking you if she can stay here.

Stay what?

Well, um, she's left Cuthbert.

Left him where?

to that man for the whole of our life. I've been married to you for the whole

my life, but I'd leave you if you did to me what he's done to her.

What's he done?

He's been two -timing her.

But I don't believe it.

The evidence is upstairs on the kitchen table.

Well, I don't care what he's done. She's not staying here.

Oh, it'll only be for a day or two. Two days?

Not even two minutes. Not even two seconds.

But we are her only friend. She needs her.

What nonsense you been saying to that woman? You been encouraging to leave her

husband? Who's gonna get his red mullet throughout the market?

What will ever happen with Cotmorton, Beverly, is none of your business. And

saying to you... Now, just a minute. It's all right, Shirley.

I couldn't help overhearing what was going on down here.

I'll be on my way. Take your hand off that case, Beverly. You're staying right

here. Oh, no, she's not. Oh, yes, she is. Beverly is staying here. I'll just

and... curl up in a doorway. Where do you two think you're going? I've got to

get off to work. And I've just realized I have to return this library booth

straight away.

Sit down!

How can you desert a friend when he's in need of moral support?

What would you know about moral support? You expect it from your friends, but

you don't know the first thing about giving it. Well, let me tell you

I only ask you if Beverly could stay here out of courtesy, but if you choose

be an arrogant, puffed -up excuse for a human being, it's tell -a -tell -in

-your -shistania.

Charlie, I wouldn't stay here now if he begged me.

I can hear a doorway calling me.

You'll be well advised to return home, Beverly.

You've left Cuthbert on his own. And there's an old African saying.

When the crocodile leaves the river, the frogs hop into shrimp.

Wait until everybody's seated and we've said grace. Where's your manners?

This is where the key to my room is. It's only the bed that's on loan, not

whole room.

Ricky, when I was the youngest member of this household, I had to put up with

all kinds of rubbish.

Any time Auntie Susan or anyone came to visit, my room was taken over.

I slept in that city so much, I feel like an auntie in my castle, man.

What's that?

Chair back cover, man.

I didn't get me things.

That door is staying locked as long as I'm a guest here.

A guest?

But look how you bit me rude.

Look, I'm old enough to know you should forgive and forget.

Oh, well, come on, how can you neglect someone who loves you?

What do you know about love?

Plenty. The more you give out, the more you get back.

That's what I used to believe.

It's still true.

What are you lot up to?

Junior here is giving me advice.

Well, someone's got to talk some sense into you. Oh, don't start again.

Oh, who you cook all this food for, Beverly? I told you yesterday we only

light breakfast. I know.

But I like cooking.

It takes me mind off me troubles.

Well, go back home and cook for cut. But I'm not cooking another meal for that

man as long as I live.

I used to take all the bones out of his red mullet, you know.

You think another woman would do that for you?

No. Well, that's why he needs you, Bev. Just think, he might choke to death. I

hope he does.

I have a burial plot reserved for him back home, but I wouldn't put him in it

now. He would desecrate the place.

Oh, you know you don't mean any of that.

I do, I do.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

I wish, shall we? I think Dad should go in and talk to Cuthbert.

What did I tell you?

No, Shirley.

Man to man, get to the bottom of this thing. I said no, Shirley. Oh, yes,

Desmond, please.

Cuthbert's always liked you. He thinks you're a fine, upstanding gentleman.

You could find out what is what and who is who.

She'll be living with us here forever.

Go, go, go!

I'm going, I'm going.

Desmond, I don't know why I have to be a guinea pig for this boy.

Because your face is so tough, you couldn't even cut it with a cutlass.

But you're getting rude in your own ear. Sit down and relax, the man. I have a

bucket under there to catch the blood.

Talking of which, how's the houseguest today?

Don't ask.

I went to see Cuthbert last night, but he was out.

Oh, making a weather sunshine. So why didn't you phone him first? That is

exactly what I told him to do.

Phone him and say what?

Ah, Cuthbert, this is your good friend Desmond. Your wife thinks you're a

conniving, two -timing womanizer and would like to know who you've been

on with for the past 30 years so she can kill her.

In France, that would be called a crime of passion.

That's the trouble with this country.

The people has no passion.

Why you think Cuthbert still had the letters?

You mean why he didn't post them?

Exactly. Yes, but if the woman is married, the letters could get into the

hands. So why didn't he just give them to her when they met up? Because she

doesn't want to keep them, so she reads them and gives them back to him.

Only a man who is used to clandestine affairs could think of such a plausible

explanation.

You know, I bet I know who she is.

Cuthbert goes to the library every day to read the racing form. I have seen him

eyeing that woman that works there, the plump pretty one, about 40, jiggles like

a jelly when she walks.

You mean Mrs. Martin?

Yes. Well, she's Martin, that fish -faced man from Martinique.

She's a born -again Christian.

Since when you hear Christianity prevent people from profanity?

Ladies, don't talk.

You know, last week I saw Mrs. Martin and Cuthbert talking, laughing, and

gladiating each other. I didn't give it much thought at the time. Well, give

this some thought.

I saw him coming out of the betting shop with a skinny little woman.

She was holding onto his arm for dear life, and they disappeared into the pub

opposite. One plump, one skinny man. He does love variety.

I see him in the pub with her all the time. Her name is Patsy.

Cutbert introduced her to me. He says she's his betting partner.

Betting partner or bedding partner?

Oh, stop it.

You're jumping to conclusions.

Ready to tar every woman with the same brush.

Morning, folks.

Oh, morning, officer.

How can we do you for a quaff, you are? Afraid not.

We've got a report of a missing person.

Name's Beverly McIntosh. Her husband thinks she might be here.

Well, she is, officer, but... Why didn't he come and ask for her himself?

Why, he seems very nervous and upset, so I thought I'd just pop round with him.

Part of our new community policing policy.

Now, where's he now?

Outside in the car. He'd like a word with her. I'll get him to come in. I'll

her to come down.

Do you think it's too soon to celebrate?

Cuthbert, come for you. Come for me?

I'm not a parcel you can sign for and pick up. You're too pervasive.

Beverly, please, be reasonable.

I'll be very reasonable.

Right. Put on that knife, Beverly.

All right, I will.

This is much better for the job I have in mind.

a policewoman to protect himself.

Well, stand aside.

Just stand aside.

You're too young to know anything about man and woman business, so don't even

think you can intimidate me.

Now, calm down, madam.

He's gone. Gone where?

Who's gone?

Cutthroat. Where's he gone from?

He was outside in the officer's car.

I thought you said he was there.

No, he was out there coming in here.

What? You lose my husband?

You don't know where he is? Now, let me explain, madam.

You better find him. He's not a well man.

You shouldn't go around losing people. I didn't lose him. He went off under his

own steam.

If anything happened to him, I'm holding you personally responsible.

Interpol will be hearing from me about this.

Interpol? Calling all international frontiers. Look out for a man who eats

mullet for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He must be caught. The species is in

danger. You'll be in danger in a minute.

Desmond, I know where he is.

He's in that problem. Shut up.

Hurry up and find him. He gets palpitations when he's under threat.

I'll have a look around, madam.

Oh, hold on a minute, officer. I'll come with you. I think it's time me and

Cotbert had a heart -to -heart.

Hello, Cosworth.

Desmond.

Before you say anything about Beverly, I'm sorry. I know how she stay.

I know.

You expecting company, or can anybody sit here?

You spying on me?

Why should I? You have something to hide?

Hey, Alcott.

I ain't buying your friend one.

Can't afford it after that lousy tip he gave me. Lost all me money.

I'll go and drink with me friends over there.

Patsy, I presume?

Oh, you know her name.

Well, you can't keep secrets from an Ambrose.

I suppose Beverly's been bad -moving me.

Well, you haven't exactly come up smelling of roses.

Tell me about the letters.

You wouldn't believe me.

Try me.

Beverly's got it all wrong.

I've been writing her those letters for over 30 years.

You mean, you've been carrying on with her?

No, no, no, no.

The only thing I've ever shared with Patsy is her bed. The letters are to

Beverly.

I've written her one every year, on her birthday.

The first year we were married, I rushed home from work to give them to her.

Young, eager, excited.

But she was vexed with me because she thought I'd forgotten what day it was.

I put them in my pocket thinking I'd give them to her later, but the time was

never right.

The next year I wrote another one, and the next, I just kept on writing them.

But I couldn't bring myself to give them to her in case, in case she laughed at

me. You know Beverly's still ready?

Yes, me know.

When she found out about the letters, why didn't you tell her the truth?

I suppose for the same reason I never told her I don't really like Red Mollet.

You see, Bethany likes to... Dominate you. Yes. Hey, but I don't mind.

It's love I love her.

I love her now as much as I ever did.

Tell her, Cuthbert.

Be brave.

That's what she wants to hear.

You think so?

Me know so.

Why can't I just go upstairs and get on with my essay?

Sean, you know why.

Beverly and Cuthbert are up there.

I don't believe this. Has he moved in too?

Don't be so ridiculous.

They've been up there for ages. I told them exactly how to handle the

When me and my wife were having a really good fight, all the neighbours knew

about it. She would open the window to make sure they didn't miss anything.

My wife and I never fight.

How can you fight with someone you never see?

I'm not going to see or hear anything. I'm going to go straight to my room.

Oh, leaving so soon. Goodbye.

Charlie, he told me everything.

I didn't know Cuthbert could be so, so manful.

There was a power in him I never see before.

From now on, he's going to give me a letter every year for the next 30 years.

You'd never know what it's like to have such a... Such beautiful words to

cherish for the rest of your life.

Oh, yes, I will. I have letters from Desmond that I will cherish for all of

life. Do you, my little honeybunch?

Oh, yes.

All those on which you wrote the words, P .S. I love you.

Come on, woman. Time to go home.

want to see another red mullet in the house again.

From now on I want good red meat.

All right, dear.

Was that all right?

Right.

tell a pussycat like Cuthbert how to deal with a woman like Beverly.

Young man, you will find out that there's much more to learn in this

than cutting hair.

This is not just a barbershop. It's a confectioner, a sanctuary in time of

trouble, a refuge, and at the same time a place where men of steel meet to

discuss the burning...