Original subtitles

From the long hot night to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss Miranda, what my coconut

Don't scratch the coca, till the party's over.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the weapon field.

Spider! Spider!

Bernie!

Sean,

man! Look, I don't think you guys realise what trouble I'm in.

Look, you're juggling this plug again and you're not all about trouble.

I told you not to bother with universities.

Look, Sean, I know you're finding it hard, but you can't just drop out.

Bern, I can't afford to stay in.

I mean, I thought I could budget this, but my grant hasn't come through. Tell

about it. I mean, the amount of textbooks I've had to buy. Then there's

fare. I couldn't tell you the last time I bought a jacket.

Tell me about it. And I split up with Jennifer.

You what?

You didn't tell me about that. When?

It doesn't matter. I mean, I'm a month behind on a huge fund that I owe half of

because of her.

I'm getting snotty letters from the bank about that loan I took out to tide me

over. Yeah, yeah. Well, your brother's a bank manager. Why do you get him to

help? Who do you think I'm getting the snotty letters from?

You've been turned down by the hardship fund, and to top it all, well, I promise

you won't laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

You

applied

for a modelling job.

And got turned down.

Virtually challenged, are we, Titch?

I was desperate, man. You were sad?

Look at you. You're old before your time, Sean.

You ain't having no fun. You ain't got no money. And because you feel so you're

turned man now, you ain't asking your parents for a few shekels, then. I mean,

it just grieves me.

Grieves me.

Grieves me, man, to think you're so messed up, like my kid.

Look, the world's not going to miss another unemployed sociologist.

At least you know why you're unemployed.

Sure, drop out, man.

Yeah, that's really helpful, Spider.

Look, if he hasn't got any qualifications, then who is going to

Well, do what I did.

I'm my own boss.

Into promotions.

I've got these three women. Prime South London womanhood.

And they sing like angels. And they've asked me, I, to be their manager.

called 12, 14 and 16.

Oh. Is that their dress sizes or their IQs for picking you as a manager?

Look, Sean, you've always been good with things. Do something you know. You

know, music, computers.

I've got it.

Human incinerator.

Have you decided on a title for your memoirs yet, Popeye? No, Shirley.

I still don't have it.

Well, history said that Shakespeare originally titled his autobiography All

World at Stage.

Maybe you should call yours All the World's a Pokepie.

Or maybe you could call yours All the World Needs is a Decent Barber.

If I may be so bold as to suggest that so far your book lacks a certain, oh, je

ne sais quoi.

Yeah, it lacks romance.

Romance? That's why I'm doing my life story, not a Mills and Boone.

No, it needs romance.

The romance of your first job, for example.

Ricky, come here.

Tell Popeye what you've learned from me since you started working here.

Well, I've learned how to make tea and toast.

Read a good hand of dominoes. Oh, and run to the betting shop, place a bet,

get back here in less than three and a half minutes.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Ricky, thank you.

But you get my point, don't you, Popeye?

No. Look, it needs drama.

It needs colour.

It needs reminiscence.

You remember the first thing that people said to you when you first came to work

in this country?

No coloured, no Irish, and no dog.

my first job in England.

Packing candles at a factory in Streatham.

I worked side by side with this English woman. Josie was her name, right?

We did the same job. The same hours.

I got paid two pounds a week. She got two pounds five and six.

The company was called Pratt, Pratt & Malloy.

I worked for Mr. Malloy. I always thought he should have changed his name.

My father told me that the best way to get by in life is to have a good trade

profession. So what happened?

I once had a job.

I think you better write this down.

I was a cleaner. A cleaner?

Oh, yes, but for a duchess.

You know, I could not understand her.

And one day, after I'd finished the hoovering, she asked, Have you cleaned

stars?

And then, when she wanted to give me my bus money, She said, how much do I owe

you in farce?

And they have the nerve to say that we can't speak English.

How long did you work there, then?

Oh, my dear small boy, absolutely ages.

Must have been two, three, no, no, no, four days.

Those were the days, eh? Working hard.

Trying to buy this place.

Trying to scrape a living.

Trying to convert my third Edwardian house into flat.

Trying to make a better life for ourselves and the children. Look at them

Clothes, computers, opportunities.

Them children, they're so ungrateful.

They never had it so good.

What do you think of me cake, then?

I'll let you know when I've finished.

How's it go?

Oh, the usual, you know, my dad.

Why aren't you at university?

Where's your contribution to the foreign bill?

When Michael was at uni, he could pay his way.

I've had it, man, believe.

Oh, well, I've got £11 .37 in my post office sentence.

So? Sure, this is really good.

You think so? Yeah. Well, you know, you lot said do something I was good at, so

computer games.

Yeah, sure, and it's, uh, well, wicked.

Watch out for fat Pavlov, Bernie. Got it, got it.

Well, you see, I've had it in my drawer for ages, man. Remember, I designed it

back in sixth form. I just sort of updated it, you know, gave it a little

So, what do you think, Spider?

I think this tape is the living article.

Sunday, you're going to make some husband very happy. You got any more?

Spider, Spider!

The game, the game!

It's original, intelligent, political, and it's even got a bit of an ecological

slant. You think you can draw up the foot, my time? Move it!

You're right, mine's going to want to buy this. Well, I like it.

You are a desperately saved character from north of the Watford Gap who is in

need of a life.

Folks from up north, don't you just love them?

Damn, you're blowing me up.

Look, the game's obviously based on the shops around here, right?

And this demon barbeque is your old man, right?

Well, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Well, look, the people know what it's about, so give them what they want.

What you need is a gimmick to help create a niche in the market.

Oh, what, like your band, 12, 14 and 16?

That's right.

I wanted them to sound more adult, more sophisticated.

So I changed their name. Oh, so what are they called now, then? 14, 16 and 18?

How does he know?

Sean, you're in debt. And, baby?

Fuck your man.

If this thing is going to sell, the first thing we've got to do is change

name of this geezer, Gory Vidali Kissoon. I mean, what kind of name is

Call him, um, Desmond Bassoon.

What? The Demon Barber?

Of Helen Dunroge.

There you go.

And this fat geezer, Fat Pablotti. Yeah, call him Fat Harry. And if you could

guess who Turbo, and it needs to be gory. Mega!

Are you not crazy?

I mean, I'm trying to dig myself out of a financial hole, not dig my own grave.

My dad'll kill me.

Hey, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

I just can't, man.

Look, you look out a few copies and I'll see if I can flog them. See how they

go. Yeah? Yeah, I know a few students who want to play this. It could bring in

some money.

Nah, I can't do it, man.

Nah, I can't do it.

Boy, you want me to go to jail for you?

You didn't hear what I said yesterday?

Sure, look.

You haven't paid your contribution to the telephone bill.

Now your father wants to install a payphone in your bedroom.

Including the box.

I know things are a bit difficult. Come on, Mum. You know the school. My grant

still has to arrive. You're not keeping another thing in this house until you

pay the debt.

When your brother Michael was studying... Oh, Michael this, Michael

Michael that.

Is something wrong? Is there something we could do?

No. No, in fact, I'll be able to pay my way real soon.

Oh, good.

Yeah, and not worry about money at all.

Oh, good, huh?

Pretty soon, there won't ever be any money worries ever again.

Goodest.

So I said to the foreman at Ford's, Mr. Kowalski, do that again, and I'll do

something you'll never, ever forget.

And he did it again.

So what did you do about Mr. Kowalski?

I haven't decided as yet.

I might change it.

But, Popeye... The whole point of an autobiography is to record faithfully

events, art, and when they occurred.

Not make them up as you go along.

Yes, you can't rewrite history.

Maybe I want to rewrite my history.

I know you all think my story is boring. Oh, no, we don't, Popeye.

Oh, yes, we do.

I'd love to read it, Mr. Grant.

Boy, you want to put yourself to sleep.

We just thought, look, Popeye, we know you.

You've led a rich and varied life up till now. And none of the color was

through. Except dark gray.

You could write about coming to England, right? Your family all crammed up in

one room to begin with.

Gwendolyn working days at King's College.

You working nights at Ford's.

Hyacinth Green working the in -between shifts.

There, there was a salad with dressing.

Your near breakdown when Gwendolyn left you. Your mental health at the time.

Your engagement with my sister, Susu.

Your mental health at the time. Yes, ma 'am.

You know what you should call your book?

Lies. Damned lies.

And pork pies.

Yo! Sorry.

Oh, the boy don't even say how you do, darling. Morning, though.

Morning, Bernie. Morning, cockroach.

It's Spider, Mr. Ray. I don't know where you get this cockroach ting from.

Is that for Sean?

Yeah. 100 copies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll take it, too. Later, sir. All right, more time still.

Bye -bye, insect.

Ricky, I'll take that box up to Sean's room.

But, Mr.

Ambrose... Boy, I insist.

Give me the damn box!

Anybody want to see what's inside this box?

Me! All right.

Desmond, that is Sean's personal belongings. You remember that time you

diary out loud?

Thereby violating his inalienable human and civil rights, invading his privacy,

and breaking any trust that may have been previously established.

I enjoyed that morning. Carry on.

Desmond, give me the box.

All right.

labelled computer game.

Anyone fancy a cup of tea, then? Going to the barber's used to be easy, but

can you make it down Hillingdon Road, past the clutches of Fat Harry's,

past the crimes of Crystalos the Kebabber, and finally beat the deadly

mortal advances of the dreaded demon barber of Beckham?

Heads you lose, tails you lose, Sweeney Todd has nothing on Desmond Buffoon.

I send this man to university and he waste his time doing this choppiness.

I'll kill him.

I can't believe that Sean would treat me like something he scrape off his shoe

bottom.

Mr. Ambrose, I'm sorry.

Desmond, you did tell the boy to pay his way doing something. Now he's done

something. Yes.

Making money calling me a buffoon.

Mr. Ambrose, I'm so sorry.

Well, I'll be the laughingstock of Peckham.

And this time it'll have nothing to do with your haircuts.

Now, don't worry, Desmond. You'll feel better after your game of dominoes with

Matthew and Popeye. I can't think that Sean thinks so little of me.

No, but you see now where your nosiness has got you? I did warn you, Desmond,

not to open Pandora's box. It was not Pandora's box.

It was Sean's box.

The wooden box is exactly where he's going to drive me. Mr. Ambrose, I'm

sorry. I mean, what is this boil coming to when your own flesh and blood, your

son, who you walk your fingers to the bone for, treats you like a mangy, flea

-bitten, one -eyed, three -legged old dog?

Mr. Ambrose, I'm so really, really sorry. Is there anything I can do? You

stop saying sorry for a third.

Sorry for... Look, Desmond, it's only a little homemade game.

then likely no one will be interested in it anyway.

This is it.

The target for fun is coming for you.

Yes. No.

It's not reacting the way we expected it would. No.

Yes. Gotcha.

Demon Barber wins again.

Well, that settles it.

West it is to Africa zero.

Pardon?

Anyway, we shouldn't play in this.

We should be playing dominoes with Desmond. But, man, this is ten times

Boy, Sean was clever to make this, huh?

This is obviously a rudimentary game made to appeal to old Dutch pensioners,

lollipop men, and simpletons.

You're back then.

Popeye, it is amazing how one's fortunes can be determined by chance.

You saying I was lucky?

The only way you could beat me was by throwing your death flimball.

I'm at you, you soft man.

There's an old African saying.

Only a fool looks for dung where the cow never grazed.

Think about it.

You should think about the next game.

What about Desmond?

Desmond and Domino's can wait, man.

But Ricky said we could only stay for one game.

The best of three.

Five? Yeah, man.

Double or quits? Yeah, man.

I'll set it up. But just remember, you owe me 50 pence.

Oh,

please let me play, Mr. Ambrose. I have improved, honest.

No, double fives block the game.

Even my friends prefer to play that computer game, that dirty, worthless,

-for -nothing, jingbang son of mine invented.

Dirty, worthless, good -for -nothing, jingbang. Oh, that's excellent, that.

You're a cheat.

You're a cheat. No, I'm not.

That's why I don't like playing with him.

You ready to play dominoes? Nearly. Let's go have a drink first.

Oh, I didn't know that a computer game could work out such a thirst.

Yes, and the first round's on you. Me?

No, I don't. Yes, of course. They did not even try to persuade me.

You go up, Mr Ambrose. I'll put these away.

Boy, would you treat your father like this?

No, but he probably wouldn't realise if I did.

Ricky. Sean. All right, my son? Am I good or am I good? Sean, listen. Do you

know how many copies of Demon Barber 2 you sold today? Sean, please. It was

incredible. Believe that.

I mean, we were selling them so fast, it was like... Well, it was like... Drew's

Lightning? Yeah.

Yeah, it was like a morgue in here. Do you know how upset your dad is?

Did he threaten to kill me? Yeah. Did he get all out of shape? Yeah.

Don't tell me. I bet he called me a worthless, dirty, good -for -nothing,

-bang boy.

Listen, all right? Are you OK by now? Listen, Sean, it's not that. It's really

hurt. But it's only a game.

And I mean, I never really took them. I only called them a buffoon.

But it wasn't personal.

Try telling that to your dad.

Well, look, he said to earn some dosh and make a contribution. That's what I'm

doing. I mean, it's only a silly little computer game.

Yeah, well, he's really cut up about it. I mean, even your mum doesn't know what

to say to him.

You've got to do something.

Well, like what? I don't know.

Look, I can't take the game off the streets just to make Dad happy. Anyway,

Spider would never do that.

OK, look, I'm going to go and see Bernie. He'll know how to handle this.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one.

Demon Barber 2 Turbo.

Your very own yard computer game of the 90s. A snip for only £9 .99. And listen,

don't worry about compatibility with your own PC.

This is the compatibility what Mork was to Mindy.

I like that joke there. It's a cool joke, isn't it? It's not a bad joke.

I'd rather that Broadway... Excuse me, one second.

Hello?

Yeah.

Why? Yeah, but I'm busy.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's high.

Yeah, and they're using my gold credit card.

Yeah.

How many pairs of shoes?

Well, was it 14, 16 or 18 pairs they bought?

That's how many pairs they bought each.

How much foot them have?

All right, yeah.

Thanks. Cheers.

Do you want a theme and barber too?

down, bargain basement price, because I know there's still a recession out

there. Only $19 .99.

Come on.

Spider, Spider, Spider.

I'm going to have a sale. Thank you, darling. Spider, you've got to take the

game off the streets now.

Why? My dad's going mad.

Your dad is mad, and so are you. Stop telling me. Are you crazy?

Come on, look at it. To me, this could take ages. Oh, Ben, we've got to do

something.

I've got it.

All right, this game being sold is illegal.

All right, if you bought it, we can give you your money back as long as you

return the game. You can buy it under the counter.

I was told I could get Demon Barber 2 here. No, dear,

you've got the wrong shop.

But isn't that the Demon Barber?

Yeah, you are.

Can I have your autograph, please?

No, come out, Bishop.

You can't treat your fans like that.

I think it's laudable when celebrities go out of their way to meet.

They're public.

All right, all right.

It's a junior.

Mega.

Well done, Desmond.

Well, it still can't take away my feelings of betrayal.

I know, I know.

Shirley, I still have those feelings.

Mr. Ambrose, I'm really, really sorry.

Look, Ricky, you don't have to keep apologizing. It's Sean who should do

not you. I'm sorry.

Anyone want a cup of tea?

No, no, Ricky.

Desmond, you can't really say it was betrayal.

It's not an intent to hurt you. He was only trying to make some money, Mr.

Ambrose. And you have to admit, it was very clever of him to invent that game

the first place.

Now, Matthew, he knows the meaning of betrayal.

What? You still haven't paid me for last night's thrashing.

West Indies, five hours.

Papa, I don't think you're going to make the priceless sum of £1 .50.

Yes. But that's the point. It's not the money.

It's the principle.

Ah, sure.

Dad, look, I can explain. The game, it wasn't meant to offend you.

That's not what offended me.

It's making that stupidness instead of studying.

Dad, I'm trying to get a degree. And I'm trying to pay my way.

I just don't want to be thought of as the baby of the family anymore. I'm an

adult. And adults make mistakes sometimes.

And adults can ask for help.

Sometimes.

You're right.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

Hey, Fever.

What has happened to the game now?

Yes, Matthew is desperate for some practice.

Oh, we've tried taking it off the street. Here, the spider wouldn't

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Yo, Sean, the game is selling like crisp biscuits.

Aha! The tarantula!

Oh, boy, warm soups. I told you I'd make you famous. Soon, the whole world's

going to know about Desmond Buffoon.

What? What? What? What is it? What?

Well, it's the money, isn't it? Look, don't worry. I've got Sean's right here.

know he needs it.

And I've got Bernie's too. Look, it's right here.

What? So what is it then?

Am I or am I not Desmond Buffoon, the Demon Barber?

Well, of course you are, Mr Ambrose.

Well, in that case, you can cut me in.