Original subtitles

From the Longmont Bay to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

15.

We come from the sun to live in the coal, I miss my rum, I want my coconut

Let's keep the music street, wind up the awareness field.

Popeye, that's not how to spell achiever.

Remember, it's I before E except after T. Who says?

Those are the rules.

When it comes to T, P always comes before M.

Those are my rules.

So which part of your memoirs are you working on now, Popeye? School days.

Are you using the word achiever?

I was a very promising pupil.

Yes. You were always promising to attend school, only you always got

sidetracked. Well, by my creative muse, Dermond.

By my passion to create music.

I thought you were with the Georgetown Dreamers.

Better that than wandering the halls of macadamia for your entire life.

Academia, pork pie.

Macadamias are nuts.

So that's why you were there.

What are you going to call your memoirs, pork pie? The Diary of a Mad Lollipop

Man? How about... pork pie the wilderness years.

No, how about a slice of pork pie?

I like that.

At last, a real writer.

So, Gloria, how are you getting on with your article? You know, the one about

young black business people.

Oh, really? Well, Mum, my editor is talking about me going full time.

Oh, I like the song to that. Mind you, I still think you should have featured

me. The fact that you're not young, Dad.

Or particularly successful.

Could have had something to do with it. Mind you, one out of three ain't bad,

Des. So, who are you going to interrogate today, then?

Michael. Michael?

Well, he qualifies in all three areas.

He's a branch manager of a bank. He's young, gifted and black.

As opposed to old, wrinkled and knackered.

And Michael insisted that I dress in a manner conducive to the corporate

backdrop. e .g.

Nasty Navy.

And I can't forget his big -headedness, because he's only allowing me 30 minutes

of his precious time.

Anyway, I'm off. See you. Bye.

So, Lee, what's the secret of your success?

The one thing that makes Mr Lee Stanley stand head and shoulders

above his competitors is his unpretentious approach towards his much

clientele. Quite simply, he has... The common touch.

It pays to remember the customer is always king.

Sit still, no man.

Mandy, I'm still waiting for you to put that call through to head office.

My, my, did someone get out of the wrong side of my bed this morning?

Now, place the call, will you? And just type up 300 reports.

And while you're at it, phone and see if St. John is free for squash. And after

that, find me a superlative recipe for asparagus souffle. And what's the

franc doing against the dollar?

Hello. I have a call for you from Michael Ambrose at the Peckham branch.

If you could just manage to pick up the receiver yourself.

Hello?

Jane.

Any luck with finding a replacement for my PA yet?

Yeah, Manny will be leaving by the end of the month.

Why?

I believe it's personal. Look, it's imperative I get someone reliable ASAP.

Yes, I want a smooth changeover, no hiccups.

Mandy will show the ropes.

Oh, you've got someone in mind.

What do you mean, Mandy?

Oh, only our mothers could tell us apart today.

You're right.

Don't tell me you got a letter from the bank manager.

Something like that.

Listen, Gloria, could we have a chat after your interview?

Yes, she is familiar with the branch.

OK. As long as it's only temporary.

You better send her around.

Yep, tomorrow will be fine.

Right, let's get started, Michael.

I can't stay too long because I've got to go to lunch with Mandy.

What? But I'm supposed to be taking Mandy to lunch. 29 minutes on content.

you, bye -bye.

Oh,

nice.

You know, it's good to see Gloria standing on her own two feet at last.

Sorry, my little sugarplum.

You know, seeing her in that blue suit today... Reminded you of... Our wedding

day? Mm -hmm. I didn't wear blue.

I did.

Oh, yes, you got to.

I wonder if Gloria and Alex will... Ever tidy not? I suppose if you ever get to

take a job.

You didn't have one, Desmond Ambrose, when you married me. I know.

And your father was up in arms against it.

Now it's my turn.

There's no such thing these days as a steady job.

There's more cuts being made out there than there's ever been made in here.

Well, we better get back to the jobs we've got.

Look at that mess.

I wouldn't mind so much, but they never leave me a tip.

Don't worry, my little honey bunch.

With new triple action Desmond's, household chores are a thing of the

Hey, look.

Popeye's left some of his pages behind.

Time for a sneak preview.

Yes, ma 'am.

You know how secretive he's been about that.

Yes, but I mean, I could give him a hand. I mean, if I cast a critical eye

it. If Popeye wanted your critical eye, he'd have asked you for it. Exactly.

That's why he left them behind. He's too proud to ask.

You do that behind an old friend's back? Well, that's what friends are for.

On your own head, be it, Desmond.

Demerara Fitzpatrick.

George Sung's answer to Josephine Baker.

I didn't know that Popeye had... I wonder what else he's been hiding under

Popeye hat all these years.

The sly old dog.

Happy now?

Listen to this, Charlie.

It is time, dear reader, to introduce you to one of the key players in my

Desmond Jazzy D.

Ambrose, a more conceited and unpleasant character you could never wish to meet.

The hours I wasted listening to this man, Desmond, drone on about his foolish

theories on this, that, and the other.

Dear Lord, if I could live my life again, Please make sure that Desmond has

part in it.

There must be some mistake.

No, no, it's here in Popeye's own handwriting.

But Popeye wouldn't have. Well, he has.

After all these years thinking that Popeye is my best friend.

I sue him for slander.

For defamation of character.

When I'm freezing at Augustus Neapolitan Turncoat.

Stop slapping.

He'll wish he'll never meet me.

I tell you what, a slice of faux pie indeed.

I'll cut them up into little pieces.

What, Michael, is that you?

Well, it's only a matter of time.

I'm supposed to stay on and help my replacements settle in so there's a

changeover. The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

Oh, you've got some great going, has he?

You two are an item, you know.

sort of thing. Well, obviously, he's tired of the relationship and wants to

rid of me. Throw the file -marked Mandy into his emotional outrage.

You know, you could turn this to your advantage.

Yes, I could write a bestseller saying how you should never mix balance sheets

with bed sheets.

No.

Hand in your number.

Tell him what he can do with his poxy job.

And do what?

Go into business with Fiona at the art gallery.

You and her got like a house on fire when Alex had his exhibition.

Known as artistic flair and your business acumen... What?

Got the limit.

You could be an independent woman of the 90s just like me.

Natch Vickrey from the Jaws of Defeat.

You've got to make a great scene.

Like Thelma and Louise.

Caggy and Lacey.

Salt and pepper.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go for it.

I'm going to tell that banker of a brother of yours exactly what I think of

Yeah, well, it worked for me.

And when I finish this bottle...

Michael's going to get a very big surprise.

When I finish my article, he's going to get another one.

I should think I was going to write a glowing article, Mr Michael Ambrose.

But now I owe it to my readers to tell them the truth. To the independent women

of the 90s.

Of course, when I worked here, a lunch hour was exactly that.

60 minutes.

Mandy must have been delayed.

Anyway, Pamela, I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.

No time like the present, Mr Ambrose.

Surprised that you asked head office for my services at all.

I got the distinct impression when I was here before that you didn't... When you

insinuated that I only got the job of bank manager because I was black.

A misunderstanding, Mr.

Ambrose. No, no, no, Michael, please.

You are going to be working for me after all.

Albeit on a temporary basis.

Ah, Pauline.

Thank you very much.

You'll notice quite a few new faces around here.

Yes, quite.

Well, well, well.

Maybe this is Pamela Peterson, the perfect PA.

Although, of course, in your case, PA stands for pain in the... Have you

Yes,

Michael, and plenty of it.

I've been celebrating the end of our relationship, professional and

What? This is highly unprofessional.

When I was here... When you were here, you used to go about it as if there was

bad... Smell under your nose. And you were right.

There is something rotten here, and its name is Michael Ambrose.

Miss Mandy, I think you should... Go home?

Excellent idea, Mr.

Ambrose. That's exactly where I'm heading.

I'm quitting, as of now.

It was bad enough that you were going to sack me, but to replace me with the...

o 'clock appointment.

Mrs. McSweeney has been waiting for 15 minutes already.

What shall I tell her?

Just go in.

Oh, man.

To find out your best friend thinks less of you than your worst enemy.

Look, Desmond.

When pork pie gets here... Before that man comes back in here again, hell would

have frozen over.

Shut up, Leroy.

I'll finish you off, Leroy.

Oh, no. Does this mean Des is making a tea?

Remember to keep the pot hot, Desmond. And Papa likes his milk in first.

That's the last time that man will eat or drink in here ever again.

To think of the number of times he's come up to me, cap in hand, begging,

please.

Just things you wouldn't understand, sir.

What's all this about, then, Des? Well, it's a private matter between that

lollipop man and myself.

This can only mean one thing, ma 'am.

Well, Des run myself supposed to pork by having a haircut at Fat Larry's.

Hey, that's far enough.

In fact, that is too far. What?

Don't you come the innocent with me, you Judas, you double -dealing...

This has been a dreadful day.

First, pork pie betrays his best friend.

Then Michael does the dirt, your Mandy.

And now, I've just realized that two of my library books are overdue.

And I have to pay a fine.

Well, they say trouble comes in three.

We should find out all the facts.

You're all acting like judge and jury here.

Exhibit A.

Is this or is this not Popeye's handwriting?

No one has rice quite like Popeye.

It's like a mixture of hieroglyphics and morsel.

This Demerara Fitzpatrick was certainly a goer, ain't this?

Was she then, Dad?

Never you mind.

I had no idea pork pie had any dealings with that woman.

Exactly. None of us knew pork pie at all.

Oh, what about Michael, then? You can't say he ain't your own flesh and blood.

I've only known Michael for 32 years. I've known pork pie for over 50.

Well, there's an old African saying.

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives, eh,

That's not an African saying.

Yeah, everyone says that.

Well, I think we may safely assume that an African said it first.

Well, I know my son and I don't believe a word of it.

Cheryl's got a point there, Claude. I mean, all the evidence so far is purely

circ... Well, it's word of mouth, isn't it?

It's all gone wrong. Daddy, what's happened?

And Michael just stood there and let me.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit M.

I thought I knew Michael. His mood swings, his oddball sense of humour, his

funny little peccadillo. Well, he never got any of those from me.

Oh, Desmond.

Look, let's go upstairs and talk this thing through. Come on, Mandy.

Don't worry, Mandy. That son of mine will reap what he's sown. He's going to

a nasty shock when he reads glorious articles.

A beat has been a dominoes.

But I've done that hundreds of times before.

I scratched his 78th recording of the Potaro Polkknockers Calypso Band.

But that was in 1962.

Can't have taken him all this time to get angry.

Maybe he's sick.

He seemed strong enough to me when he threw me out of the shop.

Ah, well.

Lady Luck has left me in the lurch again.

No wife.

No family.

And now, no best friend.

There's something you have to understand about Ambrose men.

Yeah, them are thick.

That's just that communication is not their strong point.

Well, I got the message loud and clear.

Oh, they don't have any problem being loud. It's being clear they find it

difficult. I've never had any luck with men. As far as I'm concerned, the world

would be a happier place if every man just disappeared of his own ego.

Be specific, Mandy.

If Michael would like to all see vanish off the face of the planet,

Gloria, that's an awful thing to say. I'm sorry, Mrs. Ambrose. I don't mean to

start a family row.

Arguments are a way of life in this family.

But you're right about one thing, though.

Whenever there's trouble, men are usually at the root of it.

And it's down to the women to start things out.

Good, then, Mom.

Look, Gloria, tell Matthew and Lee I want to see them up here now.

All right.

Mandy, don't worry. Everything's going to be all right.

Mum's got her attitude on.

Gloria, are you still here?

Why do you want to speak to Matthew and Lee, Mrs. Ambrose? I don't want there to

be any sort of rough stuff.

Mandy, the only person handing out any rough stuff around here is going to be

me.

I've just put the last of Mandy's belongings in a carrier bag.

Although, why is she needed this?

I'm sure I don't know.

It must have been for that in -house promotion.

I've taken the liberty of ordering a motorcycle courier to take the bag to

flat. And if you finish the letter accepting her resignation, I could type

and pop it in.

Hello,

Michael Ambrose office.

Pamela Peterson speaking.

How may I help you?

May I ask what it's concerning?

It's a personal call.

Thank you, Pamela. That'll be all.

Look, Mandy.

Ah, hello, Mother.

Yeah, well, actually, I'm rather, um... No, no, no, no, no, it's fine.

No, it's not.

Yes, yes, look, if you insist, I'll be there.

Look, I said I'll be there.

Michael, if you're pushed for time... I could write that letter for you and sign

it on your behalf.

Of course, it would help tremendously with the phrasing of it if you could

me exactly why you saw fit to replace Mandy.

She was never a suitable person for this position anyway.

Too young.

Too emotional.

Really? And I can imagine that you had other good reasons for letting her go.

Perhaps I should tell you. In the strictest confidence, of course.

Of course. Of course.

Lovely. This will help steady my nerve.

I mean, the moment Michael comes in, sees me, then turns on his heel and goes

right back out again.

Just let him try.

You're a monk's friend, Mandy, and what you need is a little Dutch courage.

Oh, no thanks, Gloria.

Dutch courage didn't get me very far at lunchtime.

I think I need to keep a cool head. That's a very good idea, Mandy.

Absolutely. It's like playing dominoes. When facing the enemy, you've got to be

cool, calm, and collected.

Never showing the slightest flicker of emotion.

Never show your hand.

We brought him, Cheryl.

Get out of my house, I told you. I only came because Shirley asked me to. What?

We've got to get everything sorted out tonight, Desmond.

This business between you and Popeye and Michael and Mandy.

Oh, what's a woman?

Your ancestors must definitely have come from the Gambia.

No, she was right. They just ate a man out. Go on, Dad.

All right, all right. Can you explain these, Popeye? Ah, my missing pages.

I've been hunting high and low for these.

Don't tell me you and Devorah are a... The next page!

And I quote,

the number of hours I spent listening to that dreadful man, Desmond.

Defend yourself now.

Page 64.

Page 4 is about my school days and the dreaded headmaster we had, Archibald

Desmond.

Archibald Desmond?

That man could freight me to death at 50 paces.

No, the pages aren't in order.

Page 64, about my ill -spent youth, that's where you come in.

What you're trying to say is that these pages don't run consecutively. No, I'm

not. What I'm saying is that they don't run together.

by my dear friend.

Come on, have a rum.

Surely, I told you it was some kind of a mix -up.

But, you see, I should have known better. Yes, you should.

Oh, seconds out, round two.

Where have you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you all day. I've

been here, Michael, amongst friends. I think you've got some explaining to do,

Michael. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're banging out of order.

If I hadn't contacted your branch, I'd have closed it on principle.

No, he sacked Mandy. What?

Don't try to deny it, Michael. I heard you on the phone arranging my

with that horrible woman, Pamela. You've got the floor, Michael. I'm sure

there's a simple explanation.

Well, actually, there is, Father.

I was planning for Mandy to leave at the end of the month. But why, Michael?

Because head office strongly disapproved of people working close together who

were... who were married.

What? Married?

Look, I had planned to discuss this with you in an intimate atmosphere over

dinner down at Gina's Trattoria tonight, but... Married?! Mandy.

Will you marry me?

Yes, Michael, I will!

Well?

Where's the ring, then, Michael?

I've made an appointment with...

in Hatton Garden.

Mandy and I will choose it together.

Oh, smart move, eh? You didn't want to get it first just in case you got a

knockback.

The future Mrs.

Ambrose and I would like to invite you down to Gina's tonight for a celebration

meal. I haven't been able to eat all day.

Romance and generosity.

You may be a chip off the old block yet.

Michael, if you don't mind, I'll catch you up later. Why is that, Gloria?

Well, let's just say the article I wrote about Michael wasn't exactly that

flattering.

In fact, it was a little... A hatchet job.

Yeah, Dad.

What? And it goes suppressed in 11 minutes. I've just got to make a quick

call.