Original subtitles

From the long hot net to the ocean breeze, to the dump and to the rail of

15.

We come from the sun to live in the coal, I miss Mirama, want my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the pressure soar.

Have you got enough wine, do you think?

Oh, more than enough, my darling.

They think we're going to try and get him drunk.

Listen, Alex, a hungry mob is an angry mob and a sober dad will be furious.

What time is it?

I guess about half seven.

It's eight o 'clock!

All right, who's answering the door, me or you? I can't remember, what's on the

list?

You're doing the drinks.

No, I'm on the drinks and you're on the door.

And remember, don't say nothing to a pudding.

Anyone for first?

Oh, I've had plenty, thank you, Gloria.

Time to clear the table of all sharp objects, then.

Not before you tell us your news.

News? Well, you didn't compromise your strict vegetarian diet just to entertain

us, surely?

No, we didn't, surely.

Mrs. Ambrose.

Contrary to popular opinion, some parents do occupy the same planet as

offspring, and now and again they, um, notice things.

Yeah, for example, that their one and only daughter has been dating a young

called Alex Reynolds for almost two years, and that the two of them together

make Romeo and Juliet seem like... Another mismatched couple and blind

So when the parents receive a written invitation to dine with said daughter

beau, the parents conclude that she's either getting engaged, is planning to

shack up with her boyfriend, or is, um, pregnant.

Which is it?

The last one.

Huh? No, no, no, no, no, no. The shacking up bit.

Well, there's nothing wrong with two people living together without being

married, is there?

No.

No? No.

So you're saying that you don't mind if Gloria comes here to live with me?

Brilliant. I have got broad -minded hippie parents after all.

Oi, you ain't been ODing on Ophel Winfrey, have you, Dad?

What a relief.

This morning, I didn't know whether to make the bed or knot all the sheets

together and jump out the window.

And you really don't mind, the both of you? You sure, Dad?

Mum?

Gloria, look, you're happy, we're happy.

Now, we work very hard to bring you up as best we can.

You've made a safe transit into adulthood.

So now what more can we ask but that you deliver us our just desserts?

Oh, Mum.

Oh,

thanks, Ellie.

Oh, before you go, have you tidied your room?

Mum, I'm moving out, remember?

So, can I nudge you just one last time?

Just one last time.

I'll call you.

See you.

Ah, Ellie.

No, it's still Gloria, actually, Michael.

Oh, Michael, meant to call you. Look, I need £1 ,000 for my next exhibition.

Ah, well... Oh, relax, Mum, just kidding.

Told you we was easy to worry about.

Bye, all.

Bye.

So, what happened?

You lose your way to the bank.

I've asked him about the advertisement in the paper.

Desmond Barbershop stylist required.

Why, you want to apply for it?

I thought it was Peckham's most prestigious hair salon.

Do try and keep her profile. That was last week's advertisement.

And why isn't it in today?

Because I have not put it in.

Oh, really, Desmond? After all the trouble I went to concocting those

I haven't put it in. Father, look, as much as I appreciate Vince here helping

out, it's not my idea of a replacement for Tony.

We need someone who can attract a younger clientele. No offence, Vince.

Yeah? Well, down a second.

I just want to cut this piece of your ass.

We need a professional stylist.

So what?

You're putting out in the papers, and what happens?

Some young upstart waltzes in here with his stupid diploma and starts telling me

how to run things.

No, that's not it. What happens is that the applicants walk through that door,

mature adults brimming over with qualifications, and you treat them as

they just stepped out of nappies.

Look, Michael, the truth is this.

In the four weeks since we've been advertising this post, we've had only

applicant, and even that was a mistake.

Yeah, the boy came in here thinking you were in need of a typist.

There's 3 .4 million unemployed in this country.

3 .4 and a half.

Seems to make me redundant.

I think we ought to fill this post ten times over.

Not necessarily.

What bright -minded, ambitious young person would want to come and work in a

shabby little barbershop in Peckham?

Matthew, of all the barbershops in all the world, why do you have to come and

sit in mine?

He's the nearest one to college.

I've got sunshine.

On a cloudy day.

Do I take it you're going somewhere hot and sunny this weekend?

Yep. Five nights at a thermothetically controlled tropical paradise just off

M1. So where is he? Is he ready yet? John!

Now, he's repacking. Apparently this holdall I gave him doesn't hold

I'll wait here, then.

So how's it going, mate?

Still not found no replacement for Tony, eh? Mind you, I mean, what bright

-minded, ambitious... Yes, thank you, Lee. We've done that one.

Well, it has been over four weeks. Has anybody heard from him yet, then?

Yes, we had a postcard from him the other week.

A picture of the luxury cruise ship with an arrow indicating the position of his

hair salon.

Apparently, everything is fabulous.

Weather fabulous, food fabulous. And the rich American widows are fabulous.

So he's doing all right, then, isn't he? And so he should be.

After five years inspirational guidance and training at the Ambrose Academy of

Hair, I taught that boy everything he knows.

He's a fine barber.

Pity you didn't tell him that while he was here. All right, let's do it. Let's

get the roof off the moat up. The sound's blearing because I'm raring to

Word. Listen, we should enter competitions more often, you know. We

decent trip next time.

Yeah, well, it's better than a slap in the face with a search warrant, isn't

Now, getting back to the matter at hand, there must be somebody out there

desperate enough to want to work here.

Boy, stop rambling on and calm yourself.

The matter is solved.

Oh? Oh, yes.

Our new assistant arrives shortly.

Ah, Monday, in fact.

For an interview? Well, of course for an interview. You don't think I'm in the

habit of employing people without first assessing their suitability, do you? Eh?

No, leave it.

No, leave it.

Did you get any food yesterday?

Yeah, milk, eggs, pasta and honey.

What, three hours? That's all we came home with.

Is there any bread left?

No.

Oh, but we do have a three -pound bag of flour.

And you have an amazing recipe.

No, not that one. I haven't read it yet.

No. What do you mean, no?

Don't be silly.

You're reading the paper.

Look, I turn the pages very slowly so I don't mess them up, all right?

Glory.

Can I have the magazine, please? You've got five papers over there. Why don't

you just read one of them? Gloria.

Oh, good grief, take it.

Thank you.

Look, it's nothing personal. I just can't stand people reading my papers

me. It drives me up the wall.

So I drive you up the wall now, do I?

It drives me up the wall, Gloria. It.

Oh, so that is my anornia. It is it.

Look, I just want a quiet read of the Sundays like I do every Sunday.

What, until I came along and upset your routine?

No. Well, you can be noisy at times.

I'm not noisy. I'm alive.

Just because you're dead on the weekends.

Want me to move out or what?

No, girl, I don't want you to move out. I just want to read the paper.

Look, take the supplement.

I don't want it.

All right, look, go and get dressed and we'll go out for lunch. I'm not hungry.

27 minutes late.

Hardly a good start, Father.

spent the last half on our tidying up. What is it you're looking for?

This.

My questionnaire.

These are the same questions they ask you when you apply for the job as a

clothing attendant?

Yes. Well, I think you'll find handwriting is the more reliable method

assessment. You see, at college... The boy is coming for straightforward yes,

yes, no interview. That's all.

If this is him, he doesn't look much like barbershop material to me.

Neither does Desmond.

Are you Desmond Ambrose? Certainly not.

Are you Ricky?

Come for the interview?

What interview? I'm Desmond Ambrose.

Let me introduce you.

This is my wife, Shirley, my son, Michael, our resident philosopher,

our resident classical attendant, Popeye, and Vince, our temporary, um,

Do have a seat.

A cup of tea, perhaps?

Um, interview, perhaps?

Of course.

Right, this is sort of a formal but informal interview.

My father, he'll be asking you a few questions and then he'll hand over to

Um, tell me, Ricky, have you always wanted to be a barber?

Yeah. Well, that's good enough for me.

Is that all the questions you have to ask?

Desmond Ambrose, the Jeremy Paxman of Peckham. I have some questions.

How are you with children?

Do you know your highway code?

At what age did you retire?

Have you had any previous hairdressing experience, Ricky? Oh, yeah, I had a

Saturday job.

Ricky, could you just jot down a few words to say why you want this job? No,

couldn't. Do you mind?

I put my portfolio, if you'd like to say it. I took it myself when I worked at

Clive's Clippers. My dad says they're not half bad.

Oh, he's right. They're very good.

I think Flora was the worst, cos her hair's really coarse, but I don't

that matters when you're running through the bracken.

Flora's the Yorkshire Terrier.

We had to muzzle her in the end, cos she nearly had me hand off, but Jasper and

Coco were a bit better behaved, though.

Um, do you have any human heads we could look at, Ricky?

Pictures, I mean.

Well, you don't tend to get many people in Clive's Clippers. I mean...

If they need the hairdoing, they usually go down the road.

You know, to the hairdressers.

Is there anything you'd like to ask us, Ricky?

Could I use your toilet, please?

Through that door, up the stairs and straight ahead.

Splendid. Now that we've got our staff shortage sorted, you can go back to

banking and I can get on with my barbering. What?

Father, you can't possibly be considering taking on this boy. Why not?

Because he's not what we're looking for, is he? Isn't he?

No!

Look, I'm going to have to get on to the job centre about this. Job centre?

It's just not good enough. When I order smoked salmon, I don't expect to receive

dogfish. So are we running a fish restaurant?

I thought we were running a barbershop.

Look, the least you can do is give the boy a chance. A chance to do what?

Practice these dog grooming techniques on our client?

Oh, yes. I can just see Vince with a pink bow on his head.

customers will just jump at the chance of appearing at Crofts. Oh, it's

important for you, Shirley.

We have the same problem in the Gambia. One just can't get the staff these days.

Look, the boy is keen, 16, and willing to learn the trade.

And who better to teach him than Desmond Ambrose, the master of the short, back

and... Oh, Ricky!

Good news.

Your trial period begins tomorrow.

Oh, great. Can I go and unpack my case now, then, please?

What, you're staying around here?

Yeah, here.

Where? What?

Here, you mean, as in... Here.

Here today.

Gone before tomorrow.

Oh, come on, man, Desmond. You think that boy can boil an egg?

Oh, pork pie.

Are you implying that the boy is perhaps stupid?

Well, there are people who say you can't judge a book by its cover. No, but you

can still read the sleeve note.

I doubt if the boy could spell the word egg, but let's boil one.

Desmond, you've just spent half an hour trying to convince us he's the best man

for the job.

Now you admit what we've been thinking all along, that the boy is useless.

In which case, it forces the inquiry.

What on earth possessed you to give him the job?

Well, let's just say it's a favor to an old friend.

Let's just say you've got something to hide.

Yes. Shall we ask Shirley, or will you tell us now, Desmond? Tell you what.

There's nothing to tell. As I said, it's a favor in return for a past favor.

Surely it will be done in a minute.

So come on.

All right, all right. It's ancient history now anyway.

Oh, good. I do enjoy historical novels.

Remember that fellow who used to organize the Calypso night at the

Rooms? Yes?

Dennis Flaxman? But as we knew him, Dennis, I'm doing you a favor, Flaxman.

How can I forget him?

That man was no good. A crook.

I remember the night when he booked us to play that union dance. He goes, give

us one guinea each. That's one pound, one shilling.

Well, it was a lot of money in those days.

You know, we ended up getting one IOU and one bag of chips.

Between us.

Yes, I remember Dennis Flaxman.

But what does he have to do with you hiring that no -good Ricky?

Everything.

Ricky is his son.

That boy is Dennis' son?

And Shelley doesn't know?

Yes, and I want it kept that way.

Dennis was never one of Shirley's favourites.

So Ricky is Dennis's son. But that still doesn't explain why you... Wait.

I see the flashback coming on.

Round about 1965?

Yes,

I got it. Her name was Cerise Noble. The Barbadian beauty with a passion for the

brass section.

Oh, France.

Mr. Mean is from your reckless youth, Desmond.

No, Cerise is a very talented singer.

With very long legs.

No, no, it wasn't her favorite. Such it was just one night.

You see, um,

Dennis and I decided to go to a club. He was paying for once.

Yes, and Cerise decided to tag along.

Well, we were dancing all night, and she was wearing a pair of those stiletto

heels, and one of the heels snapped, and she broke her ankle.

I had to carry her to the hospital.

Only somehow, you never got there.

I got Dennis to swear to Shirley that the three of us spent the night in the

casualty department together.

In return for which, you pledged that if he needed a favour, he need look no

further than a certain peck -cum -bobber.

Oh, Ricky!

We wondered where you'd got to.

Ricky was upset with me, Desmond.

Ah! Well, have you found somewhere to put your belongings? Ricky and his

belongings are in Gloria's room, Desmond, as you suggested.

Here, small boy.

For future reference, it's one and three -quarter teaspoons of sugar.

Oh,

sorry to keep you waiting, Marcia.

You know, Ricky and I had a very interesting chat while we were upstairs.

Desmond... Did you know that Ricky is Dennis Plaxman's son?

Oh, that's right.

Didn't you know?

Ah.

You must have told me and I forgot.

Ah, possibly.

Ah, Gloria, my princess.

To what do we owe this pleasure?

I've moved out.

Moved out?

You moved out. You only just moved in.

You made a mistake.

Alex and I are a mistake.

I can't live with him and he can't live with me, so I'm moving back in.

Gloria, you've only been gone three days.

You've hardly had time to unpack, let alone quarrel.

This is still my home, isn't it? Yes, it is still your home, but you can't move

back in.

Why not?

Because, Gloria, your father has let your room. That's why not.

Ricky, let me introduce you. This is Gloria, my daughter. This is Ricky, our

assistant. Oh, Gloria, yeah, right. Please come in. You've let my room to

No wonder you were so easy about me moving in with Alex. Couldn't wait to

shot at me, could you?

But, Gloria, nobody pushed you to go and live with Alex.

And how were we to know you'd want to move back in?

Instinct. Inter -family telepathy. I don't know.

But what I do know is, is that room up there belongs to me, and not him.

Excuse me.

Don't you think you're being a bit childish, locking yourself in your room?

No.

Well, don't you think it'll make things better if you told me what the problem

is? No.

But you can't stay in there forever, madam, so you might as well come out now

we can talk.

I have nothing to say.

Look, Gloria, you may not have anything to say to me, but I've got plenty to say

to you, so open this door.

Sean, you're back early. What happened?

Sean?

You see that? That leaf? You tell him I went...

Sean wants the money, right? Then I went and lost it, right? This was a sure

bet. It was guaranteed to double, if not treble our winnings, right?

Now, this kid, this kid had been holding the lead for the past six laps.

He was on top form. There's no one could beat him. Then, all of a sudden, right,

the wheel hits the curb, the go -kart flips over. Before I know it, his mum's

the track with the Band -Aid, and I'm dishing out 250 sod antennas to some

geezer by the name of Daily.

talk to you either?

It's Gloria. She's upstairs.

Come on, go. At your own risk.

Alex, when you're through with Gloria, there's another one next door to her

needs is not be changed.

Is he still sulking? Does Desmond keep secrets?

I'm sorry, master.

Oh, who finished you here?

Not Desmond.

Desmond? Huh, not in your life.

It was this young man here.

I hope you don't mind. You all seem a bit preoccupied in that.

Oh, I'm impressed.

I shall thoroughly recommend him to all my friends.

Thank you, Marcia.

And thank you, Ricky.

It's so nice to have someone helpful and considerate around the place.

I just wish I could say the same for them two up there.

Oh, come on, Gloria.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to have done.

You can at least give me a little clue.

What is it?

Did I forget to put the cat out or something?

What cat?

You haven't even got a cat.

Yeah, maybe I should get one.

I hear they're a lot easier to live with.

They're strong, independent, and able to stand on their own four feet.

Oh, well, it sounds ideal.

Shame you're allergic to them.

Look, if you're not out of that room in two minutes, I'm going home.

Suit yourself.

Got any oil for these hinges?

Ricky had a choice between the army, the job club, and Peckham, and he chose to

come here.

Boy, that's sad.

What have we decided? Are we keeping him on or what?

Well, I think the boy shows a lot of promise. He's fast, efficient, and... He

forgot the sugar in my tea.

No, look, Marcy was very pleased with him.

Marcy? You let him lose on one of our best customers?

Well, he was only showing his initiative.

I had my eye on him all the time.

Mother, you... You did see Marcia before she left, didn't you? I mean, we're not

going to get letters from her solicitors, are we? Oh, no, Marcia is

Michael. Ricky did a really good job, considering his only qualifications come

from working in a poodle parlour.

Now, I think Ricky could stay.

What do you think, Desmond?

Oh, yes.

There's a bit of raw talent there that I can mow, isn't there?

Besides which, we couldn't do anything less for a dear old friend, especially

one to whom Desmond owes such an enormous favour.

Favor? What favor?

Ricky's father and I go back a long way.

He was very good to me.

Anything you asked for, and Ricky's father would provide it.

Cab fares, chewing gum, raincoats.

Oh, you knew him as well, did you, Matthew? No.

I just remembered I have to collect my dry cleaning.

Oh, no, you just have to ask, and Daddy should supply it.

Oh, yes, that's true.

For instance, if you wanted a good pound, Alibi? He could supply that too.

Top quality tails, you know. None of your rubbish.

Just 100 % pure fabrication.

The only problem is the one he gave Desmond was completely see -through.

You knew all along?

I'd heard that this Ceres was in a lot of pain with his broken ankle, and I was

feeling charitable, so I thought I'd pay her a visit.

Now, when I get there, the woman is as right as rain, not even a hobble. Huh?

Such a speedy recovery, I said.

Oh, I heal very quickly, she smirked.

Good, I said, as a mashy foot.

She was hobbling quite a bit when I left.

Oh, Ricky, did you get in touch with your parents?

Just in time. They're about to leave for the airport.

Airport?

Didn't Dad tell you?

Mum and Dad are going to live in Spain.

Well, then, Ricky, welcome to Desmond's.