All language subtitles for Desmonds s05e12 A Matter of Life and Death

From the Longhut Lake, with an ocean
breeze, to the Duff, and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun, to live in the
coal, I miss Mirama, want my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the
awareness field.

Sorry, party.

I knew Desmond had hidden some spray
somewhere.

Right.

You want something to read?

Desmond heard that Pat Larry had a
better selection of magazines.

So now he's bought everything from
Jamaica Gleaner to Australian Women's

The closest we ever got to having an
Australian in here was a man named

Have you got to give the customers what
they want, my sweet?

Yes. Listen to this one, Desmond.

Dear Aunty Rose.

My husband snores terribly in bed.

I have tried every remedy but to no
avail.

What should I do?

Tired of Stoke Newington.

That's an easy one. They're tired of
Stoke Newington.

Go on and sleep in another room and let
the man have a good night's rest.

What about this one?

Dear Hillary, I've been married for 20
years to the most outrageous threat. He

can't leave other women alone.

At parties, he's like an octopus.

He seems to have his arms around every
woman there.

Help, please.

Neglected of Newport Pagnell.

Um, they're neglected of Newport
Pagnell.

An octopus has four pairs of arms. If he
saves a pair for you, what are you

worried about?

Why, my wife was jealous, too.

Of what?

Yeah, you seem to have a talent for
this, Des. A real...

insight in the people's problems. You
think so?

I can't believe these people get money
for saying what is simple common sense.

Money? You mean people get paid for
this? Yeah, yeah, of course they do,

Yeah, maybe you should have your own
column in the Gazette. Dear Desmond.

Is that right got a problem, Paige? Nah,
wish you did.

Why? What's the matter, Sam? Oh,
nothing, Mrs.

Ambrose. Where's Princess today?

Shall you tell you don't want that dog
in here? This is not a poodle pile -up.

Please, Desmond. It's okay.

I've got to go.

Well, what about your drink?

Something's not right with young Sam.

Maybe you should talk to dear Desmond.

So, Desmond Ambrose, you think you can
give people advice about their problems?

You think I should sleep on the couch
while you snore at night, making a noise

like a pig running for a bath?

Well, listen to me.

And I suppose you think flirting is all
right, isn't it, Desmond?

Yeah, man.

All right, all right, leave for fire
lawn.

You want to take some of your own
advice.

What's happening, guys?

Oh, what, you're not still reading those
magazines, are you?

What a waste of time.

So, you want to see this article on
Robin Givens? Oh, well, maybe just a

look.

So you have time to spare from your
studies for Robin Givens and not for

mother? Yeah, but, Mum, it's Robin.

Anyway, I've got to take a break
sometime.

Give my brain a chance to assimilate all
this knowledge it's taken in, you know.

And what are you studying, my fine young
university student, son?

Biology, Dad. I recommend constant
revision.

I recommend having a good time. Life is
too short.

He'll have a good time later.

Mum's right.

Study and qualifications come first.

I mean, you've got to look to the
future, innit?

Speaking of which, where's my
horoscopes?

Here. My stars in the fisherman's echo
says I'm going to land something really

big this weekend.

Does that mean you're going to have a
whale of a time with some old trout?

Horoscopes, problem pages, oh, I don't
know.

You ought to thank your lucky stars you
never had any problems you had to

discuss with strangers.

That is because we can talk over our
problems with our friends.

So who do you talk to then, Dave? Well,

there's a very fortunate individual who
has never had trouble on his doorstep.

Because when trouble comes knocking,
it's no response.

Jelly babies.

Sorry, I didn't have any chocolate.

What's all this in here, lovely?

This is my latest little money spinner,
Des. A taxi service by motorbike.

Entrepreneurial or what, eh? So instead
of wheeling and dealing, you're dealing

and wheeling.

No,

no, no. Just zigging and zagging through
the gaps in the traffic. Oh, well, you

could say you're filling a gap in the
market.

I don't understand the constant desire
of people in this country to want to go

faster all the time.

In Africa, we take our time.

Relax and enjoy life.

I agree with Matthew. You know, things
should be run in African and West Indian

time. There must be a balance. As you
walk along... Life's Highway, you must

take time to smell the flowers by the
wayside.

What, in Peckham?

Anything you can smell along the wayside
around here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I

ain't starting to sniff that.

Listen, this taxi service is for people
for whom time means money.

What, like models and photographers
going to shoots and that?

Yeah, I tell you what, Des, you want to
try getting caught in the traffic when

they charge you £500 a morning?

Same. Yeah.

Captains of industry, lawyers,
barristers.

Punters with loads of disposable desks.

Are you sure this isn't dangerous, all
this zigging and zagging?

Sure. I've been ducking and diving all
my life and I'm still here. A little bit

of zigging and zagging ain't going to
hurt.

Touch wood, Lee.

Don't tempt Providence.

What about our business arrangement on
the stall, Lee?

Yeah, Matt. I meant to speak to you
about that.

What are you selling just now, Matthew?

Lucky Gambian pendants.

Each one has been individually blessed
by a holy man.

How many of you sold?

Three.

One of them came back. The geezer only
had it five minutes and he fell and

his arm. He had a pint. A sore pint.

Well, I don't know how you're ever going
to get insurance to drive passengers to

leave. You might as well stick to this.

Well, as it happens, I've got insurance.

Oh, we'll have later today.

I mean, clean license, no previous
claims. Once I get my medical results

I'll be all set.

So instead of having a lucky Gamby watch
that's not round me neck, I'll have

Naomi Campbell.

If you prefer one of those, you need
your head examined, mate.

But Lee, why do you do all these
dangerous things, eh? First boxing, then

business with my tube, and all this taxi
-mate nonsense.

Listen, some of us, we're made of
different stuff.

We just crave life on the edge there.
Then you should try living on a pension.

Yeah, or an allowance. All right, Grant.

I'm glad Michael never went in for
anything dangerous.

Dangerous? Michael?

His idea of danger is adding up a column
of figures without a calculator.

What you said?

How's it going, mate?

Oh, come on, Sam. I heard you was
feeling a bit down. What's occurring?

It's my princess. Oh, women trouble.

Listen, Sam, women trouble, eh?

See, the thing with women, you've got to
really know your stuff.

See, they're really tricky in the
clinches. None of this Marcus and

stuff.

All's fair when love and war, see? You
need an expert in your corner showing

all the right moves.

So what's with this princess, then?
She's a dog.

Well, beauty's in the eye of the
beholder, Sam, but I'm sure she's a

girl. No, she is.

A dog.

Oh, a dog dog?

Yeah. She's not well.

The rest can put her to sleep.

Oh. Well, I suppose it's for the best,
though. There's no point in her

suffering. Look, these things happen in
life, Sam. It's all part of growing up.

I've seen it all.

Yeah. I was in home once.

No parents.

No dogs either.

That was tough.

My granny died last year. That was
tough.

I'm sorry.

Look, Sam, you've just got to roll with
the punches, mate, because life just

keeps throwing them at you.

Think positive.

We'd go for walks in the park.

I'd throw a stick in the pond.

And she'd jump in and catch them with
her teeth.

Oh, she was a game old girl, your
grandma.

Oh, Jesus, stupid.

I'm going to miss her.

Listen, why don't I give you a lift on
the bike and we can chat some more?

You could be my first customer.

Yeah, but I don't have any money.

Oh, forget it. You could buy me a pack
of crisps or something.

A woman's work is never done, eh,
Popeye?

Two lumps, please.

I'll give you two lumps, sorry.

Why do men object to doing this dimplet
of task, eh?

As if making tea was an affront to your
masculinity.

That's easy to explain, my sweet. You
see, men are traditionally hunter

-gatherers, while women are nest
-builders and homemakers. Thank you,

Hunter -gatherers, the last thing I saw
you hunting for Desmond was your reading

glasses.

And the only thing you lot gather around
here is dust.

Well, I suppose we could all go out and
do dangerous jobs like me.

I could open a school for bungee
jumping.

That I would like to see.

And maybe, Matthew, you can do something
that would really terrify him, like

getting a job.

Or, Pop, I could try something really
dangerous, like reading a book without

pictures in it.

For your information, Matthew, I do a
dangerous job.

I live in fear of my life every day.

What, you mean on lollipop duty?

Surely, pork pie, the drivers respect
you with your yellow coat and your

Who's talking about drivers?

I'm talking about the kids.

Hey, rock -a -poop pilot, you forgot the
toast.

Hey, Sean, do you ever see yourself in a
perilous profession?

Ah, not while I'm breathing.

Oh, keep still, now, Wilbert.

I'll tell you what, sweeping up around
here while Pops is waving his razor

around can be pretty risky. No risk, no
pocket money.

The biggest risk we take today are with
career choices.

I mean, by the time you go for a job,
you find the whole sector's dead,

finished. That's why I'm a barber.

People will always have hair.

I'm not a musician because people will
always have taste.

Yeah, well, I'll be all right. Because
the more qualifications I get, the more

options I'll have. Well, better get back
to my studies.

Yeah, better keep your strength up. Oh,
yeah.

Well, I think we all lack the necessary
qualifications to live Lee's life on the

edge. Yeah, what might that be, Tony?

Gut shell.

Good old -fashioned bottle.

Are you saying that we're cowards?

Oh, no, I am. I mean, I had to pat this
bird in, right, cos she kept getting

into fights with people.

Did you ever ask her where all her
aggression was coming from?

Yeah. Then she took a swing at me.

So you knocked it on the head before she
knocked you on the head?

Taking risk is not always a matter of
bravery.

The chances of anything really serious
happening to you can be worked out

statistically. The odds are very small
indeed.

What was the bravest thing you ever did,
sir? Marry Desmond against my father's

wishes.

Yes, but he's still approved in the end.

Then what about you then, Des?

Well, Tony, courage doesn't always come
in the blood and guts variety.

Coming to this country took a lot of
nerve.

And a lot of nagging. And a lot of
pushing and shoving.

and kicking and screaming.

I still came first. I was the pioneer.

He came to scout out the territory.

He came during one of the hottest
summers England ever had. And then he

back to Guyana and said the climate was
perfect.

We all arrived here in February wearing
our lightest clothes. It was freezing.

Weeks after that, people thought West
Indians were blue.

You haven't had an accident?

I've just come back from the hospital.

I've got my medical results back.

They found a shadow on one of my x
-rays. What?

Probably from my boxing days. What did
the doctor say?

I've got to go back tomorrow for a brain
scan.

You're going to rub the pattern off that
cup.

Try and relax.

Sorry, Cheryl.

Lovely cuppa.

You haven't touched a drop.

Oh, you haven't said anything to Sean
and Gloria, have you?

Gloria won't be back until the weekend.
And I thought it best not to tell Sean.

What with the study now.

Of course not. Guys don't do enough to
the show.

Oh, this is not a cheerful leave we all
know and love.

Everything's going to be fine.

My motto is never say die.

Die.

No one had up until now.

Yes, well, these things can be caused by
faulty machinery, tired nurses and

doctors, anything.

You mustn't think the worst, Lee. Yeah,
I know.

Think positive.

Shirley, you remember old Kubal Bartlett
back home? Apart from here, old Kubal

had everything.

Rich, was he? No, he just had
everything. TB, typhoid.

He defied medical science. You know, his
doctor wanted him to donate his body to

the hospital after he... Well, he
outlived the doctor.

Hello, full -time Matthew.

Daisy's just telling us about old Cuba
Bartlett.

Oh, yes, I remember him. When we were
leaving to come to England, Cuba was on

his last legs with the fever.

Not a picture of her, then.

Fifteen years later, walking on Brixton
High Street, who should I see buying a

woolly hat to cover up his ball head?

Old Kubo outlawed it himself.

He didn't want to catch a cold.

There you go, Lee.

If old Kubo could survive that, you'll
be fighting fit in no time.

So what happened then? Old Kubo's still
around?

No, he died the very next week.

Walking down the street and Bradham just
keeled over, deader than a red mullet

on a barbecue.

So what fine is Snoop with old Kubel,
then? He was struck by lightning.

Oh, yes, quark lightning.

In Brixton.

Poor old Kubel. Not much left for
medical science, then, eh?

Come along, Lee. We mustn't be late for
your appointment.

Appointment with fear.

Come on.

Lesser that nonsense.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl.

Good luck, as if you'll need it.

I hate hospitals.

I mean, how do they expect people to get
any better when there's all these sick

people around?

I have fond memories of hospitals.

I brought three children into the world
in hospitals.

It's not all doom and gloom, you know.

Never thought of it like that, Cheryl.

Lee, think positive.

You're right, Cheryl.

A bloke like me's got a lot of living to
do, girl. That's the spirit.

Mind you.

What bird's going to want to go out with
a bloke with half his brain missing?

Well, this one didn't do too badly.

Now, see, that idea of your brain is
definitely working.

Mr Stanley?

Yes.

Why is it?

That whenever you want to be busy so you
don't have time to think, there's

nothing else to do but think.

You know you're right.

In the end, gentlemen, time is all we
have.

Three score years and ten.

That's 70 to you, Popeye.

Why are we so gloomy? Life is for
living. And there's nobody more alive

Lee. I'm with you, Des.

I mean, what would you rather do, guys?
Live your life to the full or play safe?

At least Lee's done it his way.

Yeah, Lee's got a voice in him that
says, go for it.

The voice of youth.

I used to hear it once.

When you're over 50, another voice says,
take it easy, old fool. You try to kill

me?

There's always a price to be paid for
fast living.

There's an old African saying.

If you dance with a crocodile, you must
be prepared for the music to stop.

Can the way you live your life now
determine what will happen to you in the

afterlife?

Well, in Africa, we believe we find
ourselves in death.

If you have lived a virtuous life, death
is a thing to be welcomed and

celebrated. You mean you wouldn't mind
if I dance on your grave?

My idea of heaven is a seat in the
pavilion at all the West Indies test

and a never -ending bottle of rum.

That my son, Michael, gets to sit next
to me.

He won't be back for

ages.

What's the matter? Is something wrong
with Lee? Not exactly.

It's something to do with going to
hospital, isn't it?

No, no, Sam. What makes you say that?
The way you're talking.

The vet sounded exactly the same when he
told me about Princess.

The way you talk? Yeah. She had to be
put to sleep yesterday.

Oh.

And he talked me through it, told me to
deal with it, you know?

What, and you reckon Des here sounds
just like the vet?

Yeah, Des, get out my clothes, kid.

Don't forget, vets sniff other things as
well.

What's up?

You can tell me. He said I should roll
with the punches.

Just take a seat, Sam. We'll tell you
all about it.

Yes, come and sit in the barber's chair.
Uh, no fit. I don't want people to

think I'm a haircut Desmond.

with the plungers, by the way.

You know, I bet it was that six rounds
in 89 with Haymaker Harris.

You know, he caught me with a pretty
rocking left.

God, I had these piercing headaches for
months.

I zigged when I should have zagged.

I'll get us some.

Sean, what are you doing here? Well, I
came as soon as I heard, didn't I? I

to be with you.

You're going to be poor, you know.

Hey, how could a peck on Prince be
anything else, eh?

Lee, how come I was the last one to
know?

Well, sometimes you put off telling bad
news to your friends, you know, to

protect them, I suppose.

Well, so when was you going to tell me
then, when you were dead?

Come on, Lee, man, I look upon you as a
brother, you know what I mean? And

brothers, we're just supposed to be
there for each other.

Yeah, I'll come to your exam, shall I?
Help you out.

You're a smart guy. How come you never
got any qualifications?

When I was 16, right, I was faced with
an awesome decision, mate.

What, classics or science?

O -levels or girls.

And?

I'm still studying.

I just hope I'll be able to sit a few
more exams.

You know, they're going to look inside
that head of yours and see all these

wicked deals and schemes running around
in there, you know what I mean? You're

going to be safe, man.

Sean Ambrose, what are you doing here?

Cheryl, I'd like him to be here.

So when are you going to get your
results?

Any moment now.

like perplexed of Beckham.

There's only one person that can help
with this kind of problem.

Come on, guys, cheer up.

What if there really is something wrong
with Lee and he comes back and sees you

like this?

You've got to have a positive attitude,
Lee says. That's what you've got to

have. You're right, Sam.

We must remain hopeful.

I haven't seen the shadow yet that Lee
couldn't outbox.

In Shirley's absence, I'll be mother.

Milk with sugar, Daisy.

Johnny. The staff can look after
themselves.

Themselves? There is only me.

It's funny. Lee said Shirley was like
his mom, too.

Shirley has been a mother to us all, one
time or another.

Except me. She's my wife.

But you're always complaining that she
treats you like a child. That's because

he always behaves like one. Oh, Shirley!

Wesley! Oh, God.

Lee, they operated straight away? Oh, my
second wife.

Tell us the worst. Oh, relax, everybody.

Lee is perfectly all right.

So what's this blaster, then?

Well, when the doctor told Lee he was
going to be all right, he was so

delighted, he leapt up, raced down the
corridor and walloped into a door with a

20 -caliber.

He ended up in casualty.

But I've got the nurse's phone number,
though.

I knew you'd be all right. Oh, yeah,
right.

I bought you crisps.

Oh, thanks. My first paying customer.

Oh. Here, Sean, you have these.

I'm not in the mood for hedgehog flavor.

What was the shadow on the x -ray?

Lee.

It must have slipped down behind my head
as I lay on the x -ray table.

He was wearing it for luck.

And you said I should have my head
examined.

Well, he's all right, so they must be
lucky.

Matthew, I'll have one.