Original subtitles

From the long hot night to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to the Whitney call, I miss Miranda, what my coconut

Don't touch my soca.

Do what you go on.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the away from fear.

Say something romantic.

No, come on, you say something romantic first.

Now that is romantic.

Come on, ask me a question.

What a... Calvin of blinds, actually.

That must work, didn't it?

Is there something you wanted, Mandy?

Yes, we've run out of gossip in the canteen. I've come to stock up.

Really? Yes.

They say love is blind, but in your case it does appear to be deaf as well.

Mindy, perhaps if you ate breakfast in the morning, we'd have a little less of

the light -headed babble.

Mock you may, but it may well be this light -headed babble that stops you from

making the biggest mistake of your life.

Come again?

I refer, sir, to that liaison dangereuse with whatever her name is.

Mindy, as much as I appreciate your concern for my future happiness, I can't

help but think the bank's time could be better spent.

Sir, the girl drinks Liebfrau Milch.

Yes, she does.

But then she's young.

Michael, do you really see this girl being an asset to your career?

Helping you to ascend the corporate ladder?

Can you really see her striking up witty repartee with senior management at

crucial dinner parties? She couldn't strike a match.

She's not suitable material for a bank manager's wife.

Well, hold on a minute. Who said anything about making her my wife? I've

known her a month.

Exactly. Whereas you've known me nearly five years.

Look, Michael, I know the bank's been putting pressure on you to get hitched,

and you did lead them to believe that you'd be getting married this year, but

I'd hate to see you just leaping in and proposing to the first bimbo that

flutters her eyelashes at you.

Mandy, she's hardly the first.

And she isn't a bimbo.

She's possibly inappropriate, but that's what I like about her.

In fact, she's the most wonderful thing that's happened to me all year.

Is there something wrong, Mandy?

Well, we all thought your recent promotion to manager might turn your

didn't think it would scramble your brains.

Ah, Popeye, how's life at the crossroads?

You know, whoever invented the double buggy should be tied to the wheels and

dragged down the streets.

Twice a day, someone has run over my foot.

You should invest in a pair of steel cap for his poor pie.

Either that or a pair of stilts.

There's a letter here for you, Desmond. A letter from who? You? But I see you

every day. I met the postman coming out of next door and he asked me to deliver

it. Why can't he deliver it himself?

Because he said your letterbox is too low and that it doesn't conform to

and safety standards in the workplace.

What nonsense is that? The man doesn't work here. All he does is deliver the

post.

Maybe he's put his back out again.

And I thought you were such a low -abiding citizen.

I am.

But don't you know it's a criminal offence for unauthorised persons to

in the transit of the Royal Mail?

It is?

Ah!

What's wrong with you? Well, this can't be right.

What is it, a tax bill?

No, it's the insurance freedom in the shop. It's only two and a half times as

much as last year.

So now wouldn't be a good time to ask for a raise, then, Des? No, because now

not a good time to be an employee, Tony.

I mean,

how can they arrive at a huge figure like that?

Many people ask the same of Pavarotti.

Maybe... Maybe we can ask Michael to give us a better deal, eh?

Show it to him when he comes to dinner this evening. Oh, yes.

Oh, no. I won't be here.

What do you mean? I'm going out.

Since when? Since when I remember why you're coming here tonight.

Desmond, you can't go out.

He's bringing her especially to meet us.

Besides, I don't see why I should be the only one to have to sit through another

evening of awkward smiles and... Timid handshakes.

Oh, hello, Mrs.

Ambrose. Nice to meet you. I hear you're Michael's mother.

You're not even the fourth girlfriend he's had in the last three months? No,

fifth. Oh?

Well, he's taken after his father. He's inherited the famous Ambrose magnetic

charm.

Magnetic charm? Why don't any of his girlfriends stick to him?

Maybe they don't have the metal.

I ain't stopping. Tony, listen. Back tonight. Back tonight, right? We'll have

cancel. Mel can't make it. She's having to work late at the club, so some other

time, yeah?

What do you mean?

Her friend's not interested?

Tony, you're getting paranoid on me. Look, I had it all set up right for Tony

here to meet the girl of his dreams.

But unfortunately, she's of the breed who won't go to the toilet without her

best friend.

Tony, if you're short of a girlfriend, why don't you come and have dinner with

us tonight? Maybe Michael can give you some tips, and if you're lucky, he can

give you his girlfriend.

Well, come on, Michael.

There's a foot here waiting to be massaged.

You wouldn't know it wouldn't happen to be Lolita, would it? Lolita?

Who's that?

One of your ex -girlfriends?

No, not quite.

She's a character from a famous novel of the same name.

And she had a habit of begging for foot massages from older men, did she?

Yes, well, something like that.

But I bet she never...

Well, if it isn't Michael Ambrose.

Nice to see you here.

Would you believe it? All this wait to attend my aerobics class and the teacher

hasn't bothered to turn up.

Room for a little one.

We meet again. How nice.

All right?

Yes, I'm all right. Thank you.

Mandy,

I thought your aerobics classes were on Wednesday. It's Tuesday today.

Oh, well, that must be why the teacher hasn't turned up. You know, if you're

trying to lose weight, Mandy, you should join the slimming club we have here.

I'm quite happy with my weight, thank you.

It's hot in here, isn't it? Yes, Mandy, it's the sauna. It's meant to be hot.

Well, yes, I like the heat. Let's have some more.

you care.

When you put your arms around me, I get a feeling that's hard to bear. Give me

fever. Come on, do I sing, do you? Some people sing in the shower. I like to

sing in the sauna.

Beware, give me fever.

May one ask if Sarah is wearing anything beneath his tail?

Of course he is. I mean, I am. We both are. Oh, really?

I'm not.

That's done.

Are you sure you're not leaving already?

Yes, I'm afraid so. My parents are expecting us over for dinner. Oh, well,

you'll have a lovely time.

Desmond and Shelley are bound to give you a warm welcome. They do to most of

your little friends, don't they, Michael?

Thank you for my love.

See you, Mandy.

Nice towel.

Shame about the voice.

Mandy, I don't know what this is all about, but we'll discuss this little

episode tomorrow, shall we?

You know,

I thought working in a health club, you'd be tea total.

No, it's actually like tea.

Yes,

Melissa believes a little of what you fancy does you good.

Exactly what I told myself when I first clapped eyes on Mickey.

Mickey? Who's Mickey?

Minnie's boyfriend.

So, um, do you have any hobbies, Melissa?

Well, Mickey's teaching me all sorts of new things.

Who's Minnie?

No, I can't keep up with all your girlfriends since you've been promoted,

Michael. And every time you bring a new one home, your parents invite me around

for a meal.

I've had more hot dinners than you've had steady girlfriends.

Popeye's not trying to imply that you'd last in a long line of, um... Susie.

Um, excuse me. As a guest, I think Melissa deserves a bit more respect.

She's a very good friend of mine.

Bit more than that, eh, Mickey?

I bet he takes after you, Des, eh?

You know, I can't help thinking I've seen you somewhere before,

Melissa. You never worked in the arcade at all, did you?

Oddly enough, it's the one place I haven't worked.

Why, did you used to work in the hairdressers by the station?

Fat Larry?

That's the one.

Shouldn't have said that, Melissa. Fat Larry is Father's biggest rival.

So I don't suppose I should tell you that he's my uncle, then?

You're having me on.

And there I was just getting to like you.

Yeah, but if I married Mickey, it would be like a merger between Peckham's two

great hairdressing dynasties, Fat Larry's and Deadman's.

We could call it Fat Deadman's.

Shall we adjourn to the sitting room?

I'll make some coffee.

That was a lovely dinner, Charles. I could eat you all over again.

Excellence as usual, Mother. Thank you. Oh, you know, your mother made it. It

could have been me.

Well, was it?

No.

Now, you and Melissa go and sit down. I'll bring the coffees over. Actually, I

need to visit the bathroom.

Through the door, turn left.

And again, maybe I should take you.

Maybe you should.

There's no need. Just through the door and turn left.

Well, quite clear, the table.

Michael seems quite smitten.

I hope he doesn't get hurt again.

No.

What?

Oh, I just remembered something, and I wish I hadn't. What is it? Don't keep us

in suspense.

Desmond, you remember last Saturday?

I left here to go to the chemist to get some Vaseline to finish Mrs. Pretty's

hair. No.

Well, it's not important if you remember or not, but I ended up having to go to

the market because the chemist was closed.

And that's where I saw Melissa.

She is Lee's girlfriend, Mel.

Well, that explains why she had to cancel that date that Lee set up for me,

know, to meet that friend of hers.

To tell or not to tell?

That is the question.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, we do have to say something, Desmond.

He's bound to find out sooner or later, and I'd rather he heard it from us.

Well, if I was Michael, I'd be on the first bus out of town. I tell you, I

wouldn't want to be in his shoes when Lee finds out. Oh, he doesn't bear

thinking about.

Lee is a nice -tempered boy, unless he's upset.

I think this could upset him, Desmond. Why don't you look after himself? He's

not a baby.

You don't think Lee would really beat him up, do you? Of course, stupid.

He's a boxer. That's what boxers do.

That's what I would do.

Well, if that's the case, then I think we should all keep quiet about it.

Otherwise, he might take it out on all of us.

There is an old African saying.

If you sit on a dump tree stump to eat a watermelon, it's not just your mouth

that gets wet.

your bottom.

Think about it.

I agree. Matthew, at last you've talked some sense.

Ignorance is bliss.

You must be a happy man, then.

I think I will talk to Melissa.

No, I wouldn't do that if I was you, Cheryl. According to Lee, she's not very

keen on people giving her advice.

Got a very independent streak, apparently.

Streak or cheek?

You must point any excuse for behaviour like this.

If it is over with Lee, she should tell him.

Well, assuming that it is over between them.

Surely she's not playing two instruments in the same band.

You mean checking out two library books on the same ticket?

Riding two horses in the same race?

Well, it wouldn't surprise me.

Now, why you look so shocked, Desmond?

Cheating on your partner is not just a prerogative of men.

I haven't said anything.

You didn't have to.

But we shouldn't cut to conclusions.

I remember back in Guyana, I was going out with this girl called Lucky Lucy.

Lucky Lucy.

Everybody kept telling me how she was two -timing me. Just because she came

with a new frock one week, shoes and bag the next, then it was gold bangles,

necklace, pressure cooker.

I believed her when she told me she had won them all in a raffle.

But man, Shirley, some people are just born lucky.

And some people are just born stupid.

And maybe Melissa's lock has just run out.

What's all this?

I thought we were going out for a pizza.

Well, I had a better idea. I thought the pizza should come to us.

But the pizza parlour's only down the road, Michael.

Are you complaining?

No. Does that mean to... Wondering if we could do this every day.

Well, I'm not sure I'd head off into the room, but...

Your lunch is here, sir.

Thank you, Mandy.

That will be all. Are you sure, sir? I thought you might like me to carve.

Mandy. Well, hope everything's to your liking, modem.

Your secretary's a bit of a cow, isn't she?

Oh, no, Mandy, she's just a bit overwrought. I gave her some typing to

morning. Would you like a drink of wine?

Wine and pizza.

What more could a girl want?

Didn't they have any Libra milk?

Libra milk, sweet girl.

She seems to have forgotten the corkscrew.

Hold on a minute.

Yes, Michael?

Could you bring us in the corkscrew, please?

Aren't you going to prise it open with your bare hands?

Just bring it in.

One corkscrew, sir.

Father, shall I order another pizza?

Father, what are you doing here? Have you got an appointment?

You told me to pop by, so I'm popping.

Oh, yes, the insurance renewal.

Well, look, I'm just about to have lunch. So I see. Hello again, Melissa.

Nice to see you again.

Do you want me to go, Michael? I can see you later at the club. No, no, no, you

stay. I'm going to have this lunch if it kills me. Father's just going to have

to put up with me munching.

Allow me.

Right, Father.

You're going to have to pay it. What?

I thought you said you could sort me out a better deal.

It's the most sensible advice I can give you, Father. I've had a look at the

breakdown, and the figures seem reasonable.

And I couldn't give you a better deal than that.

So, all problems solved, eh, Dave?

No, not quite.

Was there something else you wanted to talk to me about?

As a matter of fact, there is.

Well?

Um, can I speak to you, uh, confidentially?

What? I mean, privately.

Um, Father, will this take long? We close at four.

Uh,

you know your friend Lee?

Yes. Well, he's got a lot of friends. As a matter of fact, you'd say he's very

friendly, as Melissa here is friendly.

Would you like a piece, Miss Rambos?

Are you speaking to me personally?

Don't be stupid, Father. You think I make her call me Mr. Ambrose? Well,

two of us here, and young ladies could get confused between two men very

You'll have to excuse my father, Lister. Good advice doesn't agree with him.

It doesn't, admittedly, as my wife Shirley... knows.

She does?

Absolutely.

I don't have time to decipher these cryptic messages this afternoon, so end

meeting, yes?

Indubitably.

So if you don't mind, I'll take my leave.

What?

Oh, Michael, calm down and let me finish. Calm down? How can I calm down?

girlfriend's just admitted to having two -timing for the past six weeks.

Well, if you won't calm down, at least sit down.

How could you do this to me? Do what to you? I haven't done anything.

Except not tell you the whole truth.

Lee's the one who gets sent off with his tail between his legs.

I feel so deceived.

Betrayed!

I'm sorry, Miss Lee.

I don't know what else to say.

Melissa, if you and I are going to be together, I must insist on complete

honesty at all times.

So, when are you going to tell him?

Well, that's always been the problem.

calculating when it's likely he'll be around.

If he says Tuesday, it'll be Tuesday, all right. For which one?

That's what really got on my nerves about Lee.

I was always having to wait around for him. Was?

Was.

But no more?

Definitely past tense.

History.

Yeah, and you will be, mate.

Lee, look, it's like this. You see, Melissa and I... Mel! Well, yes, Mel,

Melissa and I... I wish you wouldn't look at me like that.

Look, it's quite simple. Look, it's hardly my fault. We just kind of bumped

each other and hit it off.

Did I say hit? No, I didn't mean that.

Look, I know you and I go back a long way, and you have to understand that

things happen. She was going to tell you.

Tell me what?

Well, that she never wants to see you again. Oh, shut up, you banker. I wasn't

talking to you.

It's over.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't put up with it anymore.

Put up with what?

I took you out, didn't I?

I bought you flowers, chocolates, ice cream, pizzas.

I gave you everything you wanted.

Except attention.

Oh, and a decent bottle of wine.

You don't drink wine.

I do now.

Do you think I'm going to walk out of here and leave it like that?

Please, don't be silly.

In days of old, Michael, my son, they used to fight.

for the lady's hand.

Lee, you can't be serious.

You are serious?

Oh, look, this is just childish, Lee. I mean, can't we just play a game of

squash or something?

Oh, very well.

God, it's hot in here, isn't it?

Shall we step outside, yeah?

What? How many times do I have to tell you I'm not taking it, I wouldn't take

it, and you can't make me? I'm an honest law -abiding citizen and you should be

out of corruption?

You don't know that what you're doing is illegal?

Well, haven't you one way, you miserable git?

Ah, airmail.

Look, Paul, fine.

You and that postman got to come to some...

kind of arrangement.

Swap jobs or something.

Either way, this bickering has got to stop. It's driving me mad.

It's all right, Charlie. It won't happen again.

I've reported him to his superiors.

You certainly know how to make friends, Popeye. I know.

Look at this.

We can halve your insurance costs.

And to think I listened to yourself and ended up paying a fortune.

There's nothing we can do about it now, Desmond.

Ta -da!

I hope she's worth it.

Oh, sorry. Did I say something?

Oh, yes, I was forgetting.

Sorry, Lee.

So what, Matt? You're forgiven.

If Melissa prefers an executive toy to an action man, then that's her problem.

Well, I'm glad you've recovered.

I wish Michael would. The only thing he talks about is Melissa. Melissa, there's

Melissa. Oh, it's all right. It's a little bit sensitive to that name. Oh,

I didn't mean... No, it's all right.

Anyway, where are we going tonight then, Tom?

Somewhere nice and downtown, where the beers are cold and the women are hot,

yeah?

Oi, you!

Lee! Can I have you, young man?

No, it's all right, old man.

I've come to see this geezer here.

I thought I told you to keep your hands off my woman.

Not you again, Fred, I've told you. I haven't had my hands anywhere near your

woman for the past six weeks.

That's not what I heard. In fact, mate, you were seen!

Shut up, suit, short hair, fresh car!

That could have been anyone. I'm telling you, it definitely weren't me.

Then I want a name.

A name?

Name?

Let's open this to the floor, shall we? Has anyone got any names?

Yeah, how about Levi Strauss?

Wilkinson Sword?

Lily Carson?

Where did you get that from?

Oi, what?

You taking a mick?

Mick? Mick!

That's the fella you want to see.

Mick!

All right.

I'll believe you, son.

Boy, that Melissa, she done offered me to run around you in a star.

Hey.

But they say the course of true love never runs smooth. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, if you go down the road, turn left, there's a bank on the

corner.