Original subtitles

From the Lormont Basin, the ocean breeze, to the Dump and to the rain of

City.

We come from the sun to live in the coal line, it's me and my wife, my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the way to feel the air.

Good morning, everyone.

Good afternoon, Matt.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Matthew Joffor, the playboy of the Western

The all -night stop -off.

They forget his friends know that he has a woman?

Well, believe me, there is an innocent explanation for my exhausted appearance.

Yeah, and her name begins with Shola.

It's been three months since you've been seeing this mysterious Scholar.

You two have become inseparable?

You mean insufferable?

It's deal with his books. When he turns up, with a grin on his face, that would

put Richard Branson to shame.

Okay, so I may have seen Scholar once or twice. Yeah, that was only last night.

So tell us, Matthew, is it love?

The relationship Shola and I have is the meeting of like minds.

Are you sure it's not just in the mind, Matt? I mean, for all we know, this

Shola might not even be real.

Believe me, Tony, Shola is definitely real.

Thank you.

You're scoundrel.

Excuse me for barging into your locker room, but if this Shola is as real as

say she is, how come we haven't set eyes on her yet?

Well... Well, Matthew?

Oh, I get it. You're embarrassed by us, aren't you?

You must all understand.

Shona is from the best Nigerian family. She went to a Swiss finishing school.

She lives in the best part of Kensington. And she's one of London's

pastry chefs.

Well, I don't care where she lives or what she does. I insist you bring her

round. When I tell her it's Peckham, I probably have to.

Bring her around, that is.

Walk back and ask.

Well, it's up to her.

There's an old African saying.

You can bring the horse to the river, but you can't force it to swim.

She would have told me that one.

Boy, much is met is much. Never mind.

When you play me and Desmond at Domino's tonight, I'll show you some tricks she

wouldn't have seen before.

Trust me, my friend.

A woman is always impressed with a man who throws a good hand of dominoes. Oh,

dominoes. Well, Popeye, I have to take a rain check.

Shola and I... Shola and I already have plans.

It's opera tonight.

You mean you're going home to watch Oprah Winfrey?

Not quite, Popeye.

We are talking Covent Garden here.

Matthew, how can you choose opera and a beautiful woman over a game of dominoes

with me and Popeye?

I don't know, Desmond, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

I love Beazey. He brings out the romantic in me. Although I prefer the

fishers to his Mikado.

Mikado's not Beazey. Gilbert and Sullivan.

Of course it is.

I meant BJ's other one. Oh, um, um, Tosca. Well, Tosca isn't BJ either. It's

Puccini.

Exactly.

Is it getting hot in here, or is it me?

Might I have some coffee? Instant, would you?

Matthew, as the famous pastry chef, nothing I do in my kitchen is ever

Which reminds me.

Hold it right there.

When I said instant, I didn't mean this instant.

It's a little something I'm trying out.

I must warn you, when it comes to cooking, no one does it as well as my

There are some things mothers can't do.

Ain't that the truth?

Matthew, you look

like a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Or a man on the verge of wearing out his shoes.

Desmond, I'm sorry.

Sholastak is due any minute, and departing leave for Kensington, only to

in grabby peckham.

This shock alone could kill her.

Did I book the table at the black pot?

I bet you phoned to confirm.

You phoned six times already, and that was only in the last half an hour.

Did I say 8 or 8 .30?

8 or 8 .30. And if you phone again, they'll engrave your name on the table.

You seem to think clearer when you're sitting on the bench.

Dressed on pork pie, dressed on.

Matthew, you're really serious about Shola, aren't you? Surely.

I've never felt happier.

And, well, I suppose I can tell my best friends.

Tonight, I'm giving her the good news.

She's going to be my wife.

Well,

don't you have to get her permission first?

Shirley, I'm an African man.

At my age, any woman I have a relationship with expects me to marry

Voila!

It is beautiful.

Surely that's for Shola. You've got your own rock.

Rock? You call this a rock?

That is a rock. This is a pebble.

Wait a second. You can't marry Shola. You already got a wife back home in

Africa. That's bigamy.

An African.

A bigamist.

That's like saying the ancient Egyptians were graffiti artists because they drew

on walls.

You can't say pharaoh than that.

In the Gambia, we are allowed more than one wife. And if you must know, Popeye,

it's called polygamy.

If you ask me, I call it greedy.

You see, you Westerners... Who's a Westerner? I'm a West Indianer. And this

Indianer is telling you that that's not the way you're supposed to carry on.

Popeye. How you carried on was behind your wife's back. It wasn't just behind

her back. She walked in and caught him with hyacinth green, remember?

You see, rather than getting involved in all the shenanigans of infidelity, we

do the honest thing and get married.

Again and again and again.

So, once more, we Africans prove to be the moral beacons of civilization.

How come I missed that connection?

Matthew, your wife back home.

Does she know about your planning to marry Shola? Yes.

I simply dropped her a note to inform her.

And what's she going to do about it? Simply drop -take Matthew and divorce

She wrote back and said, you mean you haven't already?

But it's been over 16 years.

You haven't caught that weapon disease of fooling around behind my back, have

you? Suspicious wise, they're the same the world over.

What did Shola have to say about this?

Ah.

Well, what I mean to say is... You mean you haven't told her?

No. But don't you think she's entitled to know?

Don't worry, Shirley.

That will be taken care of this evening.

Look.

Shola's taxi will be here in a second now. So, not a word about weddings,

marriedies... Or already married.

Right.

Let me run through some do's and don'ts in her presence.

What do they don't?

Don't embarrass me in front of Shola. And the do's?

Do not embarrass me in front of Shola.

So, just a quick hello before we depart for the Black Port.

King Domino!

Marvellous! Marvellous! Marvellous!

Right, if we hurry, Shola, we can still make our reservation.

Not so fast, Matthew.

Shuffle again, Popeye. I like this game.

I like a woman that likes this game.

Matthew,

there's an old African saying.

Why climb one tree for a green orange when there's a garden full of ripe fruit

before you?

Think about it.

Matthew,

ease up now, man.

Yes, Matthew, ease up now, man.

I haven't had so much fun in ages.

You must all come round to my place on Friday night for a meal.

Oh, yes.

Oh. I'm sure Shirley and Desmond have other things. We'd love to. It would be

lovely. Come on.

Shirley, we heard you.

A South London's finest West African restaurant.

If it's anything like that restaurant, the Black Pot, we're not missing much.

It's not as if the meal was for a special occasion.

Oh, do you mean...

At

the risk of repeating myself, that was a lovely evening, Matthew.

I could have stayed there for hours.

We did.

Can I get you another coffee before we retreat to somewhere more comfortable?

I'm sorry, Charlotte, but no matter what we seem to talk about, it always has a

habit of ending up in the same way.

That's not true, Matthew, and you know it.

Now, what do you want for breakfast?

Charlotte, I have some things to say to you.

Fire away.

I'm going to marry you.

Oh, Matthew, what can I say?

Well, before you give the good news to your parents, there's just one little

thing. I already have one wife.

Oh, that?

I know it sounds terribly clichéd, but... No, I mean, I know you're

wife and kids back in the Gambia. I have them for ages.

You've known all along?

You don't expect me to buy a car without checking the logbook first, do you?

Oh, and there was me worrying about passing my M .O .T.

But then again, who isn't married?

You're married?

Yeah, I have a husband back in Lagos.

You mean, all this time, I've been dealing with a married woman?

I feel so cheap.

So I said to her, I said, well, if you're married already, this changes

everything. I can't possibly marry you now.

Yeah, but Matt, I don't really see what the problem is.

You're married.

She's married.

So you've both got skeletons in the cupboard.

Only she isn't making any bones about it.

Well, it's all out in the open now.

I think it's unhealthy having a relationship based on lies.

I agree, especially when you get caught.

You're cool, Matt. Anyway, so what did she say when you said, uh -uh, you can't

marry her?

Well, she said, thank goodness.

I only wanted you because you're healthy and have your own teeth.

You are therefore a suitable candidate to sire my child.

Your child?

Yes.

Apparently, she always says she had a baby when she was 31 and a half years

which is in 10 months' time.

She doesn't want me. She wants my jeans.

We're not talking 501s.

I can understand it if it were her agonizing over me being married.

But when the boot is on the other foot... Wait a minute.

You're saying it's okay for Shola to do all the agonizing, but not you?

Yes.

Well, it looks like you've got a case of the good old male double standard.

Shirley, I'm not unreasonable.

But a lot of poor people should realize that West African men and women have

their respective traditions.

Luckily, in our countries, men are allowed as many wives as they wish.

Well, how many husbands are women allowed?

One.

And that's how it should be.

You're a liberal fellow, aren't you, Matt? Don't get me wrong.

I couldn't care less that she's treating me like a used tissue.

It's a husband I feel sorry for.

I mean, there he is.

400 acres of prime farmland.

More cattle than sense.

And what is it he still pines for?

A bucket of Kentucky fried chicken.

No, Popeye, his wife, Shola.

Have they considered divorce?

He won't. He still loves her.

What about reconciliation?

Shola wrecks every reconciliation he makes.

You see what kind of woman I'm dealing with?

She wants to have the puff pastry and eat it.

Not that I care, of course. Of course not.

From this moment, I would like you all to know that Shola and I are no longer

item. Listen, she's beautiful.

She can cook, she can throw mean hand of dominoes, and you're going to give her

up?

Well, we are not really suited.

One cannot even spend a quiet night at the opera without her thrashing her

education at you.

What is it about African women that they have to constantly correct what one is

saying?

To correct constantly what one is saying.

You split your infinitive.

You see what she's made me do?

I would be gracing if you all would have no contact with that woman whatsoever.

Too late.

I beg your pardon.

Sure there's a ready phone confirming dinner tomorrow.

The nurse?

The chick?

Does she happen to mention me at all?

Yes. She said, could you bring a bottle?

And one that goes with the meal this time.

That's wonderful.

She has to be in control all the time.

Well, if she thinks I'm going to come running back with my tail between my

she's got another thing coming.

So I don't know how you do it.

The afters were better than the befores, and the befores better than the before

-befores.

You can take it at Popeye and enjoy the starter, the main meal, and his stew

dessert.

What after -afters?

Pet? Yeah, man.

Matthew?

Matthew, boy, I don't know how you feel.

I'm so full I can hardly speak myself.

Shola, you know what?

Desmond and I will have that coffee. But I haven't finished my... Oh, yes,

coffee will be fine.

The way you usually take it.

Well, this is nice.

Matthew, is what kind of way you think you're carrying on?

I don't know what you mean, Shirley.

Well, you're more stupid than you look.

You come in the woman house with your big self.

Sit down on her pretty chair with your big backside.

Eat the woman nice food with your big mouth and you don't say two words to her

all evening.

I have said more than two words to her this evening.

Pass the salt, don't count.

Why don't you talk your problems through?

Why don't you kiss and make up?

Why don't you forget the whole thing?

As I see it, there are six sides to this triangle.

Two husbands, two wives, and if I'm not mistaken, two people who shouldn't be

together. And if I'm not mistaken, that's one brandy too many?

But, Shirley, Shola and I... Here we are.

Oh, did I say coffee?

Look, I'm so sorry, Shola. I meant hot chocolate.

Oh, my favourite pop group.

It may have escaped you, but the woman already has a husband.

And Shirley, I know it seems like I'm applying double standards here.

But that is the culture we were brought up in.

Although some of us seem to have forgotten that little fact.

The way I was brought up, you have one husband, one wife.

But no matter what you call it, monogamy, polygamy, the whole caboodle

the relationship that counts.

Based on love, honesty, And respect.

And disputes in a relationship cannot be resolved without communication.

Oprah Winfrey last Tuesday.

Why couples break up?

Matthew, Popeye and Shirley are right.

It's too brutal.

Swallow your pride, man. Talk to Shola.

One hot chocolate.

You sexy thing, you.

Shola, what about my coffee?

Right. Popeye, Desmond, Shirley.

May Shola and I be left alone?

Oh, is that the time? Come along, gentlemen.

Have you noticed?

They haven't blinked.

Can I have a doggy bag?

Shola, how could you?

You don't think I see the way people look at me now when I walk down

High Street?

They go, oh, look, there's Matthew.

He asked his girl to marry him, only to be told by her, sorry, I've got a

husband back in sunny Lagos. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, we are amused.

Not.

And you want to know the best bit?

She only wanted him so he could give her a baby, not flowers like any normal

girlfriend. That's hardly fair, Matthew.

Isn't it?

When my real friends look at me, they see Matthew the brain.

You, see, must use the body.

I'm not only interested in your body.

You've got a good heart.

There you go again. Back to my body.

I'm talking about the physical.

Oh.

Didn't it mean anything to you?

Apart from my marriage, which was doomed before it even started, I've had

everything planned since I was a little girl. My degree, my career, this

apartment.

right down to the name of my daughter, Joy, whom I would have when I reached

age of 31 and a half.

Are you sure you don't know her star sign as well?

Pythian. I should be 7 pounds 10 ounces.

Are your powers of prediction?

Well, they didn't predict me falling for the prospective father.

So, where do we go from here?

A whole day gone by and no sign of Matthew for tea and toast.

Yes, he could have at least popped in and given us the lowdown on him and

Well, after last night's performance, can you blame him for not showing his

face? So I take it this relationship is off then?

Well, you never can tell.

You should see the way they were looking at each other before we left last

night. So it's on again?

Who knows?

The one woman that could take Matthew's eyes out of his books and she's got his

ego all in a twist.

Yeah, it's a pity he can't find true love, like me and Susu.

It's a pity you can't find Susu.

Hang on, hang on, hang on a second, guys.

I bet you, I bet you're right.

After you guys left last night, Matthew had showed her this blazing round.

He told her where to get off, she told him where to get off, and no one got off

with anyone.

Good evening, my dear friends.

It's a bet.

Shola and I have an announcement to make.

We've decided not to get married.

Congratulations.

Now I'm completely lost.

But what about the engagement ring?

Well, we went back to the jewelers and it's now a friendship ring.

Man, I would have got my money back and bought myself a good pair of shoes.

This ring could buy your entire wardrobe several times over.

We were deliberating all night.

Is that what they're calling it these days?

And we came to the conclusion that for both our sakes, we should end the

relationship. And just be good friends.

What did I think of that?

You know, Shirley, you were right.

You see, Desmond, you were the only one who got trouble saying those words.

What I take for single -mindedness is really double standard.

Yeah, so you watched adult Oprah as well.

It's a pity it didn't work out, though.

Yes, we were just saying what a long -term couple you were.

Well, this was even longer term.

Now I have someone to go to the opera with.

Who can explain what's going on?

What about the baby?

People who are just good friends don't do that kind of thing.

Oh, I'm just going to relax and enjoy life.

After all, one can have babies at any time, at any age.

I think perhaps 32 and three quarters will be fine.

Well, I still think this calls for a celebration.

Champagne? No, no, better than champagne. What's better than champagne

celebration?

Dominoes!

And for a very special friend.