Original subtitles

From the Lomot Lake, the Norton Bree, to the Dump and to the Rail of London 15

We come from the sun to live in the coal I'm in here and I want

my coconuts free Don't trash the soca

Supercheese over

Let's keep the music sweet Wind up your waist and feel

the extra savor

Oh, thanks, Joe.

Cheers,

Joe.

Oh, thank you.

Tony,

you intend to walk all day dressed like that?

Why, Dad? You going to take me shopping, then?

I'm not trying to tell you how to dress, Tony, but... Good, then don't. Oh,

Tony, I think it's a lovely car.

Yeah, thanks, Joe.

That is a Giovanni.

75 quid a throne.

75? Yeah, I'd wear this. Look. What I'm saying is anything wrong with this shirt

is just that... Oh, stop prevaricating and get to the point, Desmond. Okay,

okay. What you're wearing is not suitable for work. You look as if you've

come from a party.

Oh, I have.

Leave him alone. I think Tony looks bright and cheerful.

Well, he looks like a traffic light to me.

He's not wearing any green.

Huh?

is the over -wear I'm concerned about.

Don't talk to me about dress sense, yeah? All your clothes are made by that

-known duo, Polly and Esther.

What are you talking about? He surely made this for me. You should have seen

when Crimpleen was deranged.

These rooms, they are part of all members of the staff. Well, Gloria can

as she pleases, since she doesn't work here.

Oh, I am today.

That's what I'm all dressed up for.

You're what?

to help me today?

Well, she looks like a reject from Shaft.

Well, she looks wonderful to me. All she needs is this.

I'm wearing that.

So you won't get paid.

I love it.

Actually, I think this chauvinist, a uniform.

You tried that on us once before, Desmond. Yes, I still think it's a good

Uniforms command respect.

Like a barrister's wig or a schoolmaster's gown. Or a clown's nose.

You're so funny, Desmond. You!

Oh, come on. Don't be horrible.

I think Pork Pie's uniform demands as much respect as any other. You can't

that a uniform, surely. It look more like a... like a tent.

See, my lollipop colleagues would find that deeply insulting.

I remember our lollipop man, right? He used to direct all the traffic into the

playground. Yeah, he was probably directing it at you.

I thought lollipop men were supposed to be kind, gentle, mild -mannered fellows.

Because we are.

But what you don't seem to realize is that three times a day, I risk my life

limb for other people's offspring.

That's why I'm proud to wear this uniform.

Oh, but what a way your chest hides.

As far as I'm concerned, that uniform makes you considerably more interesting

look at, but unfortunately, no more interesting to listen.

What do you know about anything, eh? You were born a student, and you will die a

student.

You see me?

with this uniform on.

Oh, don't be so dramatic, folk. Why you get up in the morning, you put on your

oversized yellow coat, you stand up in the middle of the road, waving your

lollipop around, nobody's going to take you seriously.

You should see me in action.

Oh, folk, what is this, Peckham? I ain't Dodge City, is it?

Actually, it could be murder crossing that road, especially in them shoes.

Look, I don't have time for this idle chatter.

If y 'all want to stand around here and watch a one -time Trumpeter turn husband

barber doing no good here, that's fine.

But if you want to see a true professional in action, follow me.

At least I've got to see.

Gloria!

There's an old African saying.

If you can't be them, join them.

Sticks or what?

Come on, hurry up, you lazy slacker. No, please.

Please, I can't keep up. Do you have to go so fast? Well, you're the one who

told the tailor, don't worry about looking out the window.

I'll jog this off in a few days.

Look, there's got to be another way of doing this.

That's also more enjoyable.

Well, according to this, you've lost two millimetres. What?

That can't be right. I'm afraid it is. You're just not getting your knees high

enough. You'll never get into that suit.

Look, look, look, I will, I will.

I just need a bit of a rest, that's all.

What do you think you're doing?

Mandy.

There's exercise and there's torture.

I'll stick with the exercise.

I'm certain, sir, your gut hangs over the belt of your trousers.

I didn't want to go to the regional bank manager's dinner looking like an aged,

beer -inflated rugby player.

You can stay seated. If not, start running now.

Come on.

Come on,

my man.

Why didn't you cross?

What are you waiting for?

We are doing the green cross coat.

But you don't have to do the green cross coat. The lollipop man is on duty.

My dad said anyone in a uniform is a waste of space.

That's why we have to do the Green Cross code.

You children are very rude. Very rude indeed.

What do you think about it?

If I was your dad, I would give you a good hiding.

What are you crying for?

You made a cryo -evil troglodyte.

I'm going to tell my big brother about you.

Don't worry, Uncle Poop Pie.

We'll be your big brother.

He's no brother of mine.

As soon as it's...

of my dad.

I'm Jenny.

Jenny? Mr. Parker's Jenny?

But look how you've grown. You can still remember me?

What are you

doing with my girlfriend? Who gave you permission to

shout at my brother and sister?

they're talking about? I'm talking about shouting at poor defenceless children.

That's being misunderstanding.

Calling him a liar, are you?

This so -called lollipop geezer shouted at my brother and sisters.

And he hired me across the road so quickly, officer, I knocked on her

over. Rather than spend his time doing his job, he spends his time

on changing young women. Look, I can explain. Look, Jenny, I can explain.

So.

Yes.

Is it or is it not your job to get people across the road at a reasonable

safe speed whilst also maintaining the flow of the traffic? Yes, officer.

You'd better do it then, hadn't you?

Come on, get your act together.

You're letting the side down.

I think I've seen you somewhere before.

Yeah, you have. I am beautiful, aren't I?

Wait, wait, wait.

You just leave my girlfriend alone, all right? Or else I'll stick that lollipop

stick where the lights don't change.

No, I can explain.

I wasn't trying to have your girlfriend.

Joking. Go on, laugh. I don't care. Everyone has a bad day.

I just had a bad day, that's all.

Bad day?

It's some more like a major catastrophe to me.

A one -time guitar player don't pinch enough.

Coworker can't get a chicken to cross the road.

Well, fine, let's face it. You just don't have what it takes.

Well, at least we have the same problem.

You see me not in control of my shop? Listen, it's both your mouths that need

controlling. Now, Popeye, I know your day started badly, and I'm sorry about

that, but yours, Desmond, could end badly if you carry on like this.

Oh,

yes, sir.

Cheers, sir.

Thanks. Don't you worry, Uncle Popeye. None of us thought could have done any

better. Well, I don't want to sound big -headed. Yeah, of course not, Des.

Perish the thought.

Look, I could do this job with both feet tied together, blindfolded, while

shaving everybody's head and pick them at the same time.

We'd beckon her the difference.

You think you're something special, huh, Desmond Ambrose? I know I'm something

special.

Tell you what, let me do your next shift.

No, no.

Anyway, the morning shift is the hardest.

Ma, just give me the stick and watch.

Go, go, go.

Someone who knows exactly what they're doing. Well, I can only do my best.

And you're much better looking than that other one. You really think?

I've got to keep my strength up. And you've got to keep your weight down.

Come on, let's work off that flab or we'll start talking liposuction.

I

must

apologise for yesterday.

He's got something he wants to say to you, Mr... Not Mr Grant.

Don't I know you?

Yeah, you're the butcher, aren't you?

No, I'm the barber.

That's what I meant. You cut me hair once.

I know.

You're a friend of my grandfather's, aren't you?

How come you haven't retired yet?

No, no, no, it's not me. Excuse me, I'll be waiting to cross the room.

See you, babes.

like this does, mate. As you get older, you get wiser. Frankly, pretty with you

is the reverse.

Listen, I have work to do.

He looks cool, calm and collected, but inside we know he's just a munchkin.

So, how much weight does he think he's lost?

Five pounds.

And how much has he actually lost?

One pound.

Oh. We haven't got to tell him that, though, have we? A lot of you value your

overdraft.

How's it going, sir?

How do I look? Oh, you look wonderful.

Do you really think so? Yep, well hard.

I think you're absolutely right.

A few days sharpening those biceps, smoothing out the waist.

You know, I took one look at myself this morning and I thought, some people are

just born to look good.

So, how much have I lost?

Five pounds.

God, I'm so fit.

It's just as well you didn't net out the waist in those trousers.

I am going to turn heads on Saturday.

The best dressed, best looking manager since managers were invented.

You wish.

If I were you, Gerry, I'd keep quiet.

Otherwise the repayment on your overdraft could become three months

six. In fact, wasn't your last instalment due last week? That is

For your information, you've only lost one pound. And Gerard had to stay up

4am this morning letting out your trouser waist so your guts wouldn't

all over the floor.

So the least you can do is show him a little appreciation for what he's done

stop behaving like a pig -headed, arrogant hippopotamus!

But... Here's a bill.

Here he is. He just said he was popping out for a bit.

Popping out where and for which bit?

I know you know where he is.

Now, where is Desmond?

The man is supposed to be running a business.

He's having tea with one of the mums.

What?

He did my shift.

He was very good. In fact, he was better than me.

You let Desmond loose in charge of other people, Jerome?

Yes, and he didn't even need the induction course.

You haven't heard of beginner's luck, eh?

Hope by doing it once proves nothing.

Don't worry.

You just had another bad day. That's all. We all have them.

Yes, but all my bad days just add up to one bad life.

First I come to this country and lose my wife. Then I lose my daughters.

I work at Dagenham for 30 years. And what do I have to show for it, eh?

A drive shaft that can't even fit my car.

Now I can't even be a proper lollipop man.

I just can't seem to do anything right.

Oh, none of us is perfect, pork pie. We can't get everything right.

I mean, look at me. I marry Desmond.

Well, if a Shirley pick me up can't work, things must be really bad.

I just want to do a good job, that's all.

A good job for once.

Well, you still got the rest of the day to prove yourself.

Hmm? Haven't you?

Didn't that mum give you enough tea this morning?

Do you happen to give me yet?

I don't think so, Des. Who asked you anything?

Are you just being friendly with the mums? Is what any self -respecting

man would do? Yes.

Yes, of course it is, except you're supposed to be a father.

Look, you had no right to go out there and embarrass Popeye this morning.

Apart from the fact that you shouldn't have been out there in the first place,

Popeye isn't playing a game. He's doing an important and responsible job.

oh thank you thank you

My brother.

I never knew you had an Indian pope on me. Neither did I.

Go on then.

Okay,

okay, that's enough. We have work to do. Now we've got to celebrate.

Celebrate? What for?

He only did what I would have done in the same situation.

Oh, yeah? What do you know about first -aid, this?

Well, you see, I saw him. He cut himself shaving. He fainted.

Now that Popeye's a celebrity, a celebration is an order. Oh, don't be

ridiculous. The man was only doing his job.

He saved three lives today, Desmond.

What was the last thing you saved? Green shield stamps?

Popeye, give me that now.

We've got another little surprise for you. Yeah, and all you've got to do is

this on. This is your special treat, Popeye. Enjoy it.

Yes, I'll do that.

All right.

Here you are, Shirley. You've got your coat.

What you doing? Where you going?

Out. What about the shop? What about the customers?

There aren't any, Desmond. But the first customers used to come in. Oh, no one's

going to come in this time of day, Dad. Come on. Yeah, come on, Dave. No, I have

a business to run.

Oh, so you remember.

Just write a sign saying, back in five minutes.

Now, you coming or not?

No, I think about it.

Suit yourself.