Original subtitles

From the long hot night to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss Miranda, want my coconut

Don't touch the sofa, the party's over.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the weapons, feel the extra cigar.

I wouldn't make myself so comfortable in that chair if I were you, Matthew. You

said the same thing yesterday, Desmond. And when pork pie did turn up, he only

stayed for five minutes.

He's been behaving very mysteriously lately.

And he was really Sunday best, and it's only Tuesday.

Exactly. He must have found a new girlfriend.

New girlfriend? What about his faithful fiancée, Susu?

Did I hear faithful and Susu in the same sentence?

Just watch your step, Vince. That's my little sister you're talking about.

Who is big enough to look after herself.

It's time them two get married. They need his and her Zimmer frames to get

the aisle.

Many a good tune is played on an old fiddle lesson.

You sure you can still read the music, Desmond?

Why, I have perfect pitch. Keep your head still.

Whatever it is Popeye is up to, I'm sure he'd let us know in his own good time.

That's true, Shirley. He never could keep a secret.

Cop these lot.

We picked them up while I was out getting the stock.

Enter the 1993 Mr. Shimmer and Shine competition.

Sounds like a shoe polish to me.

They've been advertising this thing everywhere.

You must have heard it on the radio, Des.

Make your hair look fine.

Shimmer and shine.

The man who's always in control. I keep telling you, Desmond, we should be more

up -to -date and start some of these things. What left to you, you'd still be

using coconut oil and Bay Rum on people's ears.

That's all fine and well in the silent movie era, but what about the man of

today?

Are you planning on entering the competition, then?

Oh, sorry. It's for people with hair.

Contestants can be any age, 18 to 80.

Oh, bad like this.

I mean, you're only 17 and a half.

Must have a good physique.

Now we're talking, eh? Should be attractive, suave, debonair.

It's a pity.

I'm overqualified.

Contestants must have stamina. Songs as if they're looking for a racehorse.

The first prize is a weekend trip to...

Paris, plus a year's supply of Shimmer and Shine.

Now, if I were a man, I'd enter.

If I were black, I'd enter. If I could get a year caught, I'd enter.

Step, step.

Hairdressers, why not enter one of your clients for the title of Mr. Shimmer and

Shine 1993?

Yeah. Think of all the mileage you could get out of this, Des. Think of all the

free publicity.

Yeah, if one of our customers won. It would be a miracle.

Most of your customers are cranially challenged.

What? Bold, Des. Bold.

Send a 10x8 photograph and tell us a little bit about the entrant in not more

than 25 words.

Well, surely he must be somebody we could enter for this competition.

Hey, Sean, what about Mr. Mack? He had a beautiful head of hair. That was years

ago, Desmond. He could be as bald as a billiard ball by now.

Desmond, what about Bert's nephew's grandson?

You mean Bert?

I can never remember that child's name.

The child is only four years old? Yes, but he has a whole heap of urine in his

head.

If you are determined to enter someone for this competition, you may as well be

prepared for disappointment.

How so?

Statistics. It's simple.

The probability is taking the factor y multiplied by x to the power 2 divided

z, almost assuming that all other letters are constant, the outcome will

negative.

In other words...

So many people will enter the competition that the likelihood of your

will be zilch.

What if everybody was a mathematical genius like you, Matthew? They would

to the conclusion that they can't win. So they won't enter. So only I would

enter. Therefore, we bound to win.

Now, where is Popeye?

Goodbye, pork pie, the poor pensioner. And hello, Augustus, Neapolitan,

Cleveland, Grant, school crossing, attendant.

You may cross now in safety.

One does never see.

Brilliant, Uncle Popeye. Well done, Popeye. Nice one, Porky, man. Hey,

could do you a nice line of reflective clothing, mate.

Armbands, gloves.

All right, all right.

Congratulations, Popeye. Why do you keep it such a secret?

I wanted to be sure first. You see, there was a short list, but this short

was a very long list.

Now can I get the job?

Ah, congratulations.

Now, I'll have more room to manoeuvre.

Right, then just manoeuvre your behind out of my seat.

Popeye, I saw this.

I've come out of retirement.

Good for you, Popeye. No, good for who?

Now I'll be able to save up for the airfare to Jamaica, the wedding, the

reception, the honeymoon.

You know, she wants to go to Las Vegas.

Then there's the house.

Well, good luck, Popeye.

Perhaps you'll set an example for someone to lay about, to hang around

place day in and day out.

Don't I know you from somewhere? No, no, no, don't tell me. It's on the tip of

my tongue, isn't it? Father, you know I've been rushed off my feet since my

promotion. Look, Tony, I want you to just truth me up a bit. I've got to look

good for the shoot today.

Shoot? Somebody going to shoot you?

No, Father.

The back of taking some photographs for the in -house magazine. It's the usual

thing when a new manager is appointed.

I'm having a double -page spread.

What, they couldn't fit your head on one page?

In my new position, there shall be several of these photo opportunities.

There's also a pretty hectic social schedule to go with it.

Just as well I've got the stamina to pick up the ball and run with it. So

please, stamina.

You will let us have one of those photographs when they're done, won't

Of course, Mother. I'll let you have some in a day or two.

Oh, good. I've been thinking of taking up a new hobby.

Darts.

Right. What they're looking for, Michael, is something that captures the

new image.

How about this?

Very good profile.

Look at that strong, masculine jawline.

A little bit more relaxed.

A bit more.

A little bit more.

Time on with the phone.

Let me try the other side.

Satan's account are not now pork pie and posing.

Shall we have one together to commemorate our joint promotion?

Oh, just one more. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Where did you get that? Shh!

Not so loud.

He almost looks human.

Yeah, I know.

It's obviously been retouched. Now all we've got to do is fill in the form and

pop it in the post pronto.

How are we going to find 25 flattering words to write about Michael?

Oh, with great difficulty.

Yeah, right.

And also, can I get you to enter the competition?

What competition?

You mean you've been sitting in this chair so long you haven't even read

anything yet?

Oh, that, no.

I don't even tell people I've come here.

Much less put it in print.

How many years have I been cutting your hair? Yes, since 1968.

And you still don't get it right.

to enter, win, and get this whole heap of publicity.

The only kind of publicity you will be getting is adverse publicity.

Your attitude to customers leaves a lot to be desired. My attitude? What about

his? The customer is always right.

Not in my shop, they ain't.

If I spoke to the children the way you speak to your customers, I wouldn't have

a job.

That's the beauty of being self -employed. I wouldn't trade places with

anything, Desmond.

You see, in my new job, I'm out in the fresh air meeting all sorts of people

being with the kids all day.

Keeps me young.

Oh, who's some power they give to give us to see ourselves as others see us?

You'd better stick to your African proverb.

I've got work to do.

All right. How about makes friends easy?

Michael. Get real. When he was a kid, he couldn't even get a pen pal.

Oh, hello.

Desmond, is pork pie all right?

He's well enough to tell me how to run my business. Why?

Well, nothing.

But look.

I just collected Michael's picture from the framers. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Why do we have to put in a picture of Spice's frame?

I'll have to get several copies done. One for Susu, one for Uncle Leo in

and we mustn't forget Beverly, his godmother.

Whoever took that must be a genius.

You mean a magician?

You're only jealous.

I think he looks rather dignified.

Thank you.

Look at that. Look at that strong jawline.

Determined set of the chin.

Clear, gentle eyes.

That generous mouth.

This is a man of action.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

Well, surely today's the day.

I'm going to get one of my miserable, ungrateful customers to enter this

competition, even if I have to bribe them.

Morning, sir. Morning, Ted. Oh, boy.

He's only gone and got himself selected, hasn't he?

What do we do now?

Look, we've just been here, right? Michael will never know.

Michael? Is that a letter for Michael?

In a way.

Yeah.

So what are you doing reading Michael's mail?

I only read the envelope.

Lee read the letter.

Lee?

Well... You entered Michael's name for the competition.

Dad, Mum, we only did it for a laugh.

We don't expect him to get selected.

Oh, look, no harm done, eh? Let's just forget about it. No, you can't do that.

She's not taking any prisoners.

They've got Michael's name here. They know who he is. They'll just think he

didn't butter to turn up on the day. Just another slack, unreliable black

Hold on, Cheryl.

Hold on?

The only thing I'm trying to hold on to is my son's good name.

He's a bank manager now.

Yeah, it was on Noosa 10.

Pulling a childish prank like this and... then thinking you can just

didn't happen?

Your mother is right.

You'll have to tell him.

Thank you, Desmond. Yes, make sure he shows up. Make sure he wins.

Desmond, I don't think you heard me right.

He can't enter this competition.

Why not? Just think of all the free publicity we'll get if he wins.

You are always knocking, Michael. His head is too big.

His feet too big. His bottom is too big.

And now, just because you want a little bit of publicity, you don't mind if he

make a fool of himself?

Oh, what? No, he does it all the time.

There's one way to settle this.

You better go and see him. Who, me?

He won't listen to me. He doesn't even like me.

Look, he's hard in love with me, either.

Tom! It was your fault. It was your fault. It was your fault. I never did

Well, well.

You look like somebody's knocked the stuffing out of you. That's just how I

feel, Shirley.

The journey from one side of the street to the other is getting longer and

longer. I thought all you had to do was stand up in the middle of the road and

stop the traffic.

That's the easy part.

There's a woman with five children, two in the pram and three trailing behind.

On the first day on duty, I made the mistake of carrying the littlest one

the road.

Now he won't cross unless I carry him.

Just stands there screaming.

And there's Mrs. Francis and her shopping.

She can never manage.

Last week I helped her.

Now today she just stood there waiting for me to help her again.

Mind you, she did give me a tip, but you didn't hear me say that.

And there's Harry.

He's blind.

Goes to the betting shop five times a day.

I don't know who told him my name, but he just yells, pork boy, pork boy, pork

boy!

Until I take him across.

So, pork boy, you're doing three jobs in one.

Yes, nanny, porter, guide dog.

No wonder your feet are dropping off.

So tell me, what can I do?

Well, do you remember why you took this job?

Yeah.

Saving up to marry Susu.

Exactly.

And dead men don't make good husbands.

Oh, come on, Mike. I mean, what have you got to lose? It's only a local

competition. More to the point, Lee. What have I got to gain?

A lot, Michael.

I agree with Gloria and Lee. You've obviously forgotten about this memo from

head office.

They want a new type of customer -friendly management.

And this is the perfect opportunity to show that you're down -to -earth and fun

-loving. Yeah, a fun -loving bank manager.

That's a wicked concept.

His idea of fun is playing with his laptop.

Gloria, please.

You've got to start somewhere, and soon you'll be opening fate, judging beauty

competitions, making guest appearances on Celebrity Squared. Well, it won't be

long before someone nominates you to stand for Parliament.

You really think so, Mandy?

Oh, I hope I've emigrated by then. Well, I'm sure of it.

Everybody wants to be friends with their bank manager. The invitations will be

rolling in. Do you want us for our social life? Our social life, Mandy? Of

course. You need the support of a good woman.

I'll be your Hillary Clinton.

Support? Mandy, it's only a local hair competition.

So you're going to do it then?

Me will think about it.

Oh, look at that.

Every time he comes in here, these days, he falls asleep.

That's because he's wearing himself to a frat on that crossing.

Father, stop cutting my hair, otherwise I wonder how many left for the

competition. Michael, can you stop talking? You're cracking my arse, girl.

Just keep your foot still, huh?

And your finger.

Mum, got any cotton buds left? Because there's something strange down there.

You remember to brush your teeth?

Oh, mother, please.

You know, when you were little, you didn't have a side parting.

If I take it out, perhaps it will help you to look a little younger.

The problem?

Oh, no, this is ridiculous. If I'm not about to put up with this torture, I've

never agreed to go through with it.

You're one ungrateful boy.

Here we are trying to make a fork chop out of a pig's bottom and all this.

Desmond, please.

How's it going, then?

Oh, yes, I can see it already. A whole new campaign.

The Glistening Bank.

Michael, I brought you a buttonhole.

Matthew, I'm not getting married.

No, but that's an old African thing.

When a one -hole goes to town, he wears his best hat.

Think about it.

Go home and sleep in your bed.

Matthew. But his feet were on my feet.

If that's how you feel, I'll go. I was only here to lend my support anyway.

Some of us have to work in the mornings.

Remember what I said, Mike.

Use your charm, charisma.

Look, anything, right? Just make sure you win. Why? Because of my being a bank

manager? Reputation and all that?

No, no. I've started a book, mate. Look, there's a whole lot of money riding on

you. See, I've told everyone you don't stand a chance in hell. So they've

all the others.

Is there ever going to be a day when we do something that you can't make money

on? No, no, no.

Gloria,

can I take this thing off now? Because it's getting hot.

Oh, it's just about ready to come off.

Painful. Now, if I were at home, I could cure that in five minutes.

Well, go home and get the cure then.

I meant Africa, not Peckham. Oh, do something.

Oh, show anything quick.

Oh, I don't think there's anything I can do. It looks like an allergy to me.

An allergy?

No, no, no, no. Call the ambulance.

I could die.

Oh, don't be stupid.

Just put it in loads of cold water. You'll be as well as right in the

What do you mean in the morning? Yeah, they work better tonight.

There's only some thinking about it at a time like this.

about these Geordie Froggen frigate in two hours. Listen, I've got some really

good foundation upstairs. Shall I go get it? I don't want you or anything

belonging to anyone.

That's famous in local hairdressing.

Ambrose. So let's hear it for him. Mr.

Desmond Ambrose.

You all know Desmond who's lived in Peckham for a very long time.

But not only is he an expert barber, it says here, he also enjoys many outdoor

pursuits.

Shimmer and Shine.

Oh, so long, I can hardly remember.

But this is their very first promotion in England.

Ah, yes, well, they ran into Shimmer and Shine years ago when I visited

relatives in New York.

Since then, they send it to me regular.

So, now that Shimmer and Shine is available in this country, will you be

recommending it to your customers?

Oh, yes, certainly. I always give them what they ask for.

In my barbershop, the customer is always right.

For the man that's always in control.

Thank you, sir. Do come again.

Here,

thanks. What's with the whistle and flute, eh? And why are you all dolled

sir? Well, by some fluke, he won the competition. Now he thinks we're all

to be famous.

Fluke? That was no fluke, woman. That was a well -planned strike. and it paid

off. I used a whole tin of slick black.

Yes, now it's all over the pillowcases.

Right, we're on the map now.

Any moment there can be photographers here, so warn this place, look as if it

run like a business.

Gloria, go and stand by the till and look busy.

Matthew, clear up them books.

Lee, either look busy or come out in the shop.

Gloria, stop, swell up your mouth.

Yes, ma 'am.

I know you're going to be a big nice soon, you know. But come over here now

cut me here, no more.

I'm coming right away, sir.

calling, sir. Are you trying to be funny with me?

What I can't understand is how come one of those young men didn't win. Didn't

you see the article, Cheryl?

No. Been too busy. The boss man has been bossing me around all morning.

The promoters of Shimmer and Shine chose Desmond Ambrose as their surprise

winner because he opened their eyes to a whole new marketing area.

Hair products for the elderly.

Them young men don't have the style. They don't know how to put it across.

Hey, Pope, where's your uniform?

In here.

Why aren't you at work?

Because I'm here. I'm not going to work. I'm taking my uniform back and I'm

calling it a day. I'm just too old for this job, Shirley.

Too old?

Have you seen this?

What? You entered and you win?

You should use it all the time. Nah, old soldiers never die.

They simply fade to grey.

So, admiring that picture, will you just remember whose face it would have been

if it hadn't fallen victim to one of Gloria's potions? And don't forget who

you that face in the first place.

I thought you did it all by yourself.

Right, I'm off to work.

Mr.

Lally, Mr. Lally, what are you doing? We're all waiting to cross the road.

You're waiting for me? Yeah, I want to see how long it be before a bus hits

Come on, there's two 36s coming.

Well, duty calls.

That's my spar.

There's life in the old dogs yet.

Apple pie?

Yummo!