All language subtitles for Desmonds s05e02 Shimmer And Shine

From the long hot night to the ocean
breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to live in the
cold, I miss Miranda, want my coconut

Don't touch the sofa, the party's over.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the
weapons, feel the extra cigar.

I wouldn't make myself so comfortable in
that chair if I were you, Matthew. You

said the same thing yesterday, Desmond.
And when pork pie did turn up, he only

stayed for five minutes.

He's been behaving very mysteriously
lately.

And he was really Sunday best, and it's
only Tuesday.

Exactly. He must have found a new
girlfriend.

New girlfriend? What about his faithful
fiancée, Susu?

Did I hear faithful and Susu in the same
sentence?

Just watch your step, Vince. That's my
little sister you're talking about.

Who is big enough to look after herself.

It's time them two get married. They
need his and her Zimmer frames to get

the aisle.

Many a good tune is played on an old
fiddle lesson.

You sure you can still read the music,
Desmond?

Why, I have perfect pitch. Keep your
head still.

Whatever it is Popeye is up to, I'm sure
he'd let us know in his own good time.

That's true, Shirley. He never could
keep a secret.

Cop these lot.

We picked them up while I was out
getting the stock.

Enter the 1993 Mr. Shimmer and Shine
competition.

Sounds like a shoe polish to me.

They've been advertising this thing
everywhere.

You must have heard it on the radio,
Des.

Make your hair look fine.

Shimmer and shine.

The man who's always in control. I keep
telling you, Desmond, we should be more

up -to -date and start some of these
things. What left to you, you'd still be

using coconut oil and Bay Rum on
people's ears.

That's all fine and well in the silent
movie era, but what about the man of

today?

Are you planning on entering the
competition, then?

Oh, sorry. It's for people with hair.

Contestants can be any age, 18 to 80.

Oh, bad like this.

I mean, you're only 17 and a half.

Must have a good physique.

Now we're talking, eh? Should be
attractive, suave, debonair.

It's a pity.

I'm overqualified.

Contestants must have stamina. Songs as
if they're looking for a racehorse.

The first prize is a weekend trip to...

Paris, plus a year's supply of Shimmer
and Shine.

Now, if I were a man, I'd enter.

If I were black, I'd enter. If I could
get a year caught, I'd enter.

Step, step.

Hairdressers, why not enter one of your
clients for the title of Mr. Shimmer and

Shine 1993?

Yeah. Think of all the mileage you could
get out of this, Des. Think of all the

free publicity.

Yeah, if one of our customers won. It
would be a miracle.

Most of your customers are cranially
challenged.

What? Bold, Des. Bold.

Send a 10x8 photograph and tell us a
little bit about the entrant in not more

than 25 words.

Well, surely he must be somebody we
could enter for this competition.

Hey, Sean, what about Mr. Mack? He had a
beautiful head of hair. That was years

ago, Desmond. He could be as bald as a
billiard ball by now.

Desmond, what about Bert's nephew's
grandson?

You mean Bert?

I can never remember that child's name.

The child is only four years old? Yes,
but he has a whole heap of urine in his

head.

If you are determined to enter someone
for this competition, you may as well be

prepared for disappointment.

How so?

Statistics. It's simple.

The probability is taking the factor y
multiplied by x to the power 2 divided

z, almost assuming that all other
letters are constant, the outcome will

negative.

In other words...

So many people will enter the
competition that the likelihood of your

will be zilch.

What if everybody was a mathematical
genius like you, Matthew? They would

to the conclusion that they can't win.
So they won't enter. So only I would

enter. Therefore, we bound to win.

Now, where is Popeye?

Goodbye, pork pie, the poor pensioner.
And hello, Augustus, Neapolitan,

Cleveland, Grant, school crossing,
attendant.

You may cross now in safety.

One does never see.

Brilliant, Uncle Popeye. Well done,
Popeye. Nice one, Porky, man. Hey,

could do you a nice line of reflective
clothing, mate.

Armbands, gloves.

All right, all right.

Congratulations, Popeye. Why do you keep
it such a secret?

I wanted to be sure first. You see,
there was a short list, but this short

was a very long list.

Now can I get the job?

Ah, congratulations.

Now, I'll have more room to manoeuvre.

Right, then just manoeuvre your behind
out of my seat.

Popeye, I saw this.

I've come out of retirement.

Good for you, Popeye. No, good for who?

Now I'll be able to save up for the
airfare to Jamaica, the wedding, the

reception, the honeymoon.

You know, she wants to go to Las Vegas.

Then there's the house.

Well, good luck, Popeye.

Perhaps you'll set an example for
someone to lay about, to hang around

place day in and day out.

Don't I know you from somewhere? No, no,
no, don't tell me. It's on the tip of

my tongue, isn't it? Father, you know
I've been rushed off my feet since my

promotion. Look, Tony, I want you to
just truth me up a bit. I've got to look

good for the shoot today.

Shoot? Somebody going to shoot you?

No, Father.

The back of taking some photographs for
the in -house magazine. It's the usual

thing when a new manager is appointed.

I'm having a double -page spread.

What, they couldn't fit your head on one
page?

In my new position, there shall be
several of these photo opportunities.

There's also a pretty hectic social
schedule to go with it.

Just as well I've got the stamina to
pick up the ball and run with it. So

please, stamina.

You will let us have one of those
photographs when they're done, won't

Of course, Mother. I'll let you have
some in a day or two.

Oh, good. I've been thinking of taking
up a new hobby.

Darts.

Right. What they're looking for,
Michael, is something that captures the

new image.

How about this?

Very good profile.

Look at that strong, masculine jawline.

A little bit more relaxed.

A bit more.

A little bit more.

Time on with the phone.

Let me try the other side.

Satan's account are not now pork pie and
posing.

Shall we have one together to
commemorate our joint promotion?

Oh, just one more. No, no, no, no, no,
no.

Where did you get that? Shh!

Not so loud.

He almost looks human.

Yeah, I know.

It's obviously been retouched. Now all
we've got to do is fill in the form and

pop it in the post pronto.

How are we going to find 25 flattering
words to write about Michael?

Oh, with great difficulty.

Yeah, right.

And also, can I get you to enter the
competition?

What competition?

You mean you've been sitting in this
chair so long you haven't even read

anything yet?

Oh, that, no.

I don't even tell people I've come here.

Much less put it in print.

How many years have I been cutting your
hair? Yes, since 1968.

And you still don't get it right.

to enter, win, and get this whole heap
of publicity.

The only kind of publicity you will be
getting is adverse publicity.

Your attitude to customers leaves a lot
to be desired. My attitude? What about

his? The customer is always right.

Not in my shop, they ain't.

If I spoke to the children the way you
speak to your customers, I wouldn't have

a job.

That's the beauty of being self
-employed. I wouldn't trade places with

anything, Desmond.

You see, in my new job, I'm out in the
fresh air meeting all sorts of people

being with the kids all day.

Keeps me young.

Oh, who's some power they give to give
us to see ourselves as others see us?

You'd better stick to your African
proverb.

I've got work to do.

All right. How about makes friends easy?

Michael. Get real. When he was a kid, he
couldn't even get a pen pal.

Oh, hello.

Desmond, is pork pie all right?

He's well enough to tell me how to run
my business. Why?

Well, nothing.

But look.

I just collected Michael's picture from
the framers. Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Why do we have to put in a picture of
Spice's frame?

I'll have to get several copies done.
One for Susu, one for Uncle Leo in

and we mustn't forget Beverly, his
godmother.

Whoever took that must be a genius.

You mean a magician?

You're only jealous.

I think he looks rather dignified.

Thank you.

Look at that. Look at that strong
jawline.

Determined set of the chin.

Clear, gentle eyes.

That generous mouth.

This is a man of action.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

Well, surely today's the day.

I'm going to get one of my miserable,
ungrateful customers to enter this

competition, even if I have to bribe
them.

Morning, sir. Morning, Ted. Oh, boy.

He's only gone and got himself selected,
hasn't he?

What do we do now?

Look, we've just been here, right?
Michael will never know.

Michael? Is that a letter for Michael?

In a way.

Yeah.

So what are you doing reading Michael's
mail?

I only read the envelope.

Lee read the letter.

Lee?

Well... You entered Michael's name for
the competition.

Dad, Mum, we only did it for a laugh.

We don't expect him to get selected.

Oh, look, no harm done, eh? Let's just
forget about it. No, you can't do that.

She's not taking any prisoners.

They've got Michael's name here. They
know who he is. They'll just think he

didn't butter to turn up on the day.
Just another slack, unreliable black

Hold on, Cheryl.

Hold on?

The only thing I'm trying to hold on to
is my son's good name.

He's a bank manager now.

Yeah, it was on Noosa 10.

Pulling a childish prank like this
and... then thinking you can just

didn't happen?

Your mother is right.

You'll have to tell him.

Thank you, Desmond. Yes, make sure he
shows up. Make sure he wins.

Desmond, I don't think you heard me
right.

He can't enter this competition.

Why not? Just think of all the free
publicity we'll get if he wins.

You are always knocking, Michael. His
head is too big.

His feet too big. His bottom is too big.

And now, just because you want a little
bit of publicity, you don't mind if he

make a fool of himself?

Oh, what? No, he does it all the time.

There's one way to settle this.

You better go and see him. Who, me?

He won't listen to me. He doesn't even
like me.

Look, he's hard in love with me, either.

Tom! It was your fault. It was your
fault. It was your fault. I never did

Well, well.

You look like somebody's knocked the
stuffing out of you. That's just how I

feel, Shirley.

The journey from one side of the street
to the other is getting longer and

longer. I thought all you had to do was
stand up in the middle of the road and

stop the traffic.

That's the easy part.

There's a woman with five children, two
in the pram and three trailing behind.

On the first day on duty, I made the
mistake of carrying the littlest one

the road.

Now he won't cross unless I carry him.

Just stands there screaming.

And there's Mrs. Francis and her
shopping.

She can never manage.

Last week I helped her.

Now today she just stood there waiting
for me to help her again.

Mind you, she did give me a tip, but you
didn't hear me say that.

And there's Harry.

He's blind.

Goes to the betting shop five times a
day.

I don't know who told him my name, but
he just yells, pork boy, pork boy, pork

boy!

Until I take him across.

So, pork boy, you're doing three jobs in
one.

Yes, nanny, porter, guide dog.

No wonder your feet are dropping off.

So tell me, what can I do?

Well, do you remember why you took this
job?

Yeah.

Saving up to marry Susu.

Exactly.

And dead men don't make good husbands.

Oh, come on, Mike. I mean, what have you
got to lose? It's only a local

competition. More to the point, Lee.
What have I got to gain?

A lot, Michael.

I agree with Gloria and Lee. You've
obviously forgotten about this memo from

head office.

They want a new type of customer
-friendly management.

And this is the perfect opportunity to
show that you're down -to -earth and fun

-loving. Yeah, a fun -loving bank
manager.

That's a wicked concept.

His idea of fun is playing with his
laptop.

Gloria, please.

You've got to start somewhere, and soon
you'll be opening fate, judging beauty

competitions, making guest appearances
on Celebrity Squared. Well, it won't be

long before someone nominates you to
stand for Parliament.

You really think so, Mandy?

Oh, I hope I've emigrated by then. Well,
I'm sure of it.

Everybody wants to be friends with their
bank manager. The invitations will be

rolling in. Do you want us for our
social life? Our social life, Mandy? Of

course. You need the support of a good
woman.

I'll be your Hillary Clinton.

Support? Mandy, it's only a local hair
competition.

So you're going to do it then?

Me will think about it.

Oh, look at that.

Every time he comes in here, these days,
he falls asleep.

That's because he's wearing himself to a
frat on that crossing.

Father, stop cutting my hair, otherwise
I wonder how many left for the

competition. Michael, can you stop
talking? You're cracking my arse, girl.

Just keep your foot still, huh?

And your finger.

Mum, got any cotton buds left? Because
there's something strange down there.

You remember to brush your teeth?

Oh, mother, please.

You know, when you were little, you
didn't have a side parting.

If I take it out, perhaps it will help
you to look a little younger.

The problem?

Oh, no, this is ridiculous. If I'm not
about to put up with this torture, I've

never agreed to go through with it.

You're one ungrateful boy.

Here we are trying to make a fork chop
out of a pig's bottom and all this.

Desmond, please.

How's it going, then?

Oh, yes, I can see it already. A whole
new campaign.

The Glistening Bank.

Michael, I brought you a buttonhole.

Matthew, I'm not getting married.

No, but that's an old African thing.

When a one -hole goes to town, he wears
his best hat.

Think about it.

Go home and sleep in your bed.

Matthew. But his feet were on my feet.

If that's how you feel, I'll go. I was
only here to lend my support anyway.

Some of us have to work in the mornings.

Remember what I said, Mike.

Use your charm, charisma.

Look, anything, right? Just make sure
you win. Why? Because of my being a bank

manager? Reputation and all that?

No, no. I've started a book, mate. Look,
there's a whole lot of money riding on

you. See, I've told everyone you don't
stand a chance in hell. So they've

all the others.

Is there ever going to be a day when we
do something that you can't make money

on? No, no, no.

Gloria,

can I take this thing off now? Because
it's getting hot.

Oh, it's just about ready to come off.

Painful. Now, if I were at home, I could
cure that in five minutes.

Well, go home and get the cure then.

I meant Africa, not Peckham. Oh, do
something.

Oh, show anything quick.

Oh, I don't think there's anything I can
do. It looks like an allergy to me.

An allergy?

No, no, no, no. Call the ambulance.

I could die.

Oh, don't be stupid.

Just put it in loads of cold water.
You'll be as well as right in the

What do you mean in the morning? Yeah,
they work better tonight.

There's only some thinking about it at a
time like this.

about these Geordie Froggen frigate in
two hours. Listen, I've got some really

good foundation upstairs. Shall I go get
it? I don't want you or anything

belonging to anyone.

That's famous in local hairdressing.

Ambrose. So let's hear it for him. Mr.

Desmond Ambrose.

You all know Desmond who's lived in
Peckham for a very long time.

But not only is he an expert barber, it
says here, he also enjoys many outdoor

pursuits.

Shimmer and Shine.

Oh, so long, I can hardly remember.

But this is their very first promotion
in England.

Ah, yes, well, they ran into Shimmer and
Shine years ago when I visited

relatives in New York.

Since then, they send it to me regular.

So, now that Shimmer and Shine is
available in this country, will you be

recommending it to your customers?

Oh, yes, certainly. I always give them
what they ask for.

In my barbershop, the customer is always
right.

For the man that's always in control.

Thank you, sir. Do come again.

Here,

thanks. What's with the whistle and
flute, eh? And why are you all dolled

sir? Well, by some fluke, he won the
competition. Now he thinks we're all

to be famous.

Fluke? That was no fluke, woman. That
was a well -planned strike. and it paid

off. I used a whole tin of slick black.

Yes, now it's all over the pillowcases.

Right, we're on the map now.

Any moment there can be photographers
here, so warn this place, look as if it

run like a business.

Gloria, go and stand by the till and
look busy.

Matthew, clear up them books.

Lee, either look busy or come out in the
shop.

Gloria, stop, swell up your mouth.

Yes, ma 'am.

I know you're going to be a big nice
soon, you know. But come over here now

cut me here, no more.

I'm coming right away, sir.

calling, sir. Are you trying to be funny
with me?

What I can't understand is how come one
of those young men didn't win. Didn't

you see the article, Cheryl?

No. Been too busy. The boss man has been
bossing me around all morning.

The promoters of Shimmer and Shine chose
Desmond Ambrose as their surprise

winner because he opened their eyes to a
whole new marketing area.

Hair products for the elderly.

Them young men don't have the style.
They don't know how to put it across.

Hey, Pope, where's your uniform?

In here.

Why aren't you at work?

Because I'm here. I'm not going to work.
I'm taking my uniform back and I'm

calling it a day. I'm just too old for
this job, Shirley.

Too old?

Have you seen this?

What? You entered and you win?

You should use it all the time. Nah, old
soldiers never die.

They simply fade to grey.

So, admiring that picture, will you just
remember whose face it would have been

if it hadn't fallen victim to one of
Gloria's potions? And don't forget who

you that face in the first place.

I thought you did it all by yourself.

Right, I'm off to work.

Mr.

Lally, Mr. Lally, what are you doing?
We're all waiting to cross the road.

You're waiting for me? Yeah, I want to
see how long it be before a bus hits

Come on, there's two 36s coming.

Well, duty calls.

That's my spar.

There's life in the old dogs yet.

Apple pie?

Yummo!