Original subtitles

From the long, warm night to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss the rum, I watch my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music neat, wind up your words and feel the heat.

Hey, Des, what do you reckon to the outfit, then? Wicked or what?

Little Red Riding Hood.

If you're looking for your grandma's house, you're too late. It's been

repossessed.

Funny, Des, funny.

And I thought this was supposed to be an express sandwich service.

Oh, it is. Lee arrives two hours late and we all get to express ourselves.

Oi, what time do you call this? Yeah, sorry about that. I couldn't find a can

opener. Well, you lost your car keys again.

This?

That's tuna and tomato.

And this?

Tuna cucumber.

This?

Salad supreme?

Looks like tuna to me.

How much?

270. Charge it to my account.

I must speak to you. Look, tuna sandwiches, mate. Very good for the

Lee, please.

Look, if anyone asks, you haven't seen me.

My optician told me I was short -sighted, not blind.

At first I thought it was a dream.

But then...

I saw the red light on my answer phone, played by the tape, and there it was,

the voice of doom.

One of those heavy breather calls, was it?

Yeah, I used to get them. You did?

Yeah, till I got the girlfriend to give up the smoking.

Matthew, what is this all about? I've never seen you in such a state.

My sister Florence.

Oh, yes.

I knew those words would set me into your hearts.

She's not here again, is she?

She and that... Awful little husband of hers? Yes, as the other Matthew.

No, but she's come to fetch me home to the Gambia. What?

Apparently, I've got to go and help my father run his business. She could be

here in a minute.

Good, I'll help you pack.

Desmond, you've got to hide me. No.

Surely. Certainly not.

After the last time, telling her and her husband this was your shop and we were

your grateful employees? No.

But I thought we sorted that one out, hadn't we, Desmond? I won't be too sure

about that, ma 'am. Well, how am I going to avoid her?

I mean...

I've not done business in my house.

Desmond, Shirley, please.

I wish to seek asylum on the grounds of persecution.

Matthew, I know your sister Florence is a domineering, loud -mouthed so -and -so

who thinks she's superior to most other beings. But that's no reason for you to

hide. Let me have Sean's room while he's away. But this is the first place she's

going to look.

What can I do?

Go home and hide under your bed.

Why don't you try to use us, though? Him? He wouldn't qualify.

So why not go?

How much are you willing to pay for a room?

Do you know a place?

As a matter of fact, I do. And they're only charging ten pounds a night.

Oh, where would that be for? My place.

You cannot be serious.

Well, you need a place to hide. I need to pay for these sandwiches.

Take it or leave it.

Well, there's an old African saying.

The man who doesn't have any place to rest doesn't turn his nose up at the

rubbish heap.

And as we say to old Africans, beggars can't be choosers.

I see foreign straits in the Royal Council estate looking for you.

Yes, you're right.

I need a deposit, 20 pounds, no checks.

Come on, Mac, I'll give you a lift, mate. Look, I need to stop off and pick

few belongings.

Walk by.

I presume you don't have a garlic press?

A what?

A garlic press?

I tell you what, I'll give that flat share 24 hours, any time you like.

I brought you some tea.

I didn't want any. Well, I brought you some anyway.

And there was only one old used tea bag left.

I hope you didn't throw it away.

Well, I did. So there.

What are you having for dinner?

Fish fingers.

Is that the best you can do?

No, but that's the best you're going to get.

Maybe we should get a takeaway.

Will they take you away too?

Who's that?

I don't know. I haven't opened the door yet.

It could be your sister.

Open this door. I know you are in there.

You could be right. She has been known to do strange impersonations.

Oh, look, we can't stop. We just pop by to give you these.

Yeah, emergency rations will see you through the siege.

Well, how very kind of you. You must have read my mind.

Why, is it out in paperback, then?

What are you doing for all of this?

It's from the house, Uncle P.

From the house?

Well, yeah, we had a free trade.

Yeah, Mum and Dad donated the birds and I sacrificed my yoghurt. And they're in

the biscuit.

That's a little fugitive, aren't you?

Look, I'd better put these in the fridge before they go off.

It's like a furnace in here, isn't it? Must be all the friction, eh, Uncle P?

Have there been any sightings of my sister Florence?

No sign of the enemy yet.

Mr. Grant, why is it so warm in here? You're getting ready for global warming.

It's no wonder you can't afford to pay your bills.

Really, you should try to think more economically.

Why? Now that you're here, I don't have to think more economically.

You can afford to pay any bill they care to send me.

Listen, if you need anything else, just give us a call, all right?

Thanks for having us then, Mr. Grant.

It's all right, Louise. It was a pleasure.

I'm sorry I couldn't offer you a cup of tea, but this man threw away my tea bag.

I was actually hoping to have another one. You could have asked.

I can see trouble brewing here.

So sweet, the toothpaste in the middle.

I wish my telephone wasn't disconnected.

Why? I would call that sister of yours and tell her that you're here.

Bye.

If and when Florence puts in an appearance, you can deal with it.

I'm no good at telling lies.

Oh, I don't know, my sweet. You convinced that woman that she needed two

of herbal shampoo and what she really needed was a hair transplant.

Or it should be a pushover.

Well, if she comes here and starts making trouble, that's exactly what I'm

to do to her. What?

Push her over.

Stop shoving me.

Is she here?

No. No.

So come in, you ungrateful student.

be gentlemen, pistols or swords.

Gentlemen, will you please explain to your friend, Popeye, that it is just

common courtesy to allow one to get fast use of the bathroom in the morning?

And, Shirley, will you please explain to your friend, Matthew, that hot water

doesn't grow on trees?

That's the sort of nonsense I've had to listen to all night.

You could have gone out.

When do you go out, Popeye? Prisoners do not.

Enemy alert!

Quick, your sister just pulled out my cab. Shit.

Oh, Lauren,

this is a surprise.

Greetings, Shirley.

And to you, Desmond. Oh, hello, Florence.

Back so soon?

Soon? It's been over a year, Desmond. Oh, yeah.

Well, it seems like only yesterday.

Not a lot of activity for a Friday afternoon, Desmond. That's true, but

a barbershop, not a sports centre.

Can I get you anything?

Tea, coffee? Some tea would be nice. And a few biscuits.

But not those nasty ones that look as if they've been used as a trot for flies.

Gloria! Why, mate? I'll come with you.

Check for flies.

No sugar for me, little girl?

I'm sweet enough already, wouldn't you be?

I confess that this is not a social visit.

I have come to fetch my brother Matthew to take him back home with me to the

Gambia. You see, my father is feeling his age and he wishes for Matthew to

and help him run the family business.

So, being a responsible and caring daughter, I felt it my duty to see to it

my father's wishes are granted.

No sooner had he uttered the words than I hopped on a plane.

And here I am.

How nice.

But the question is, where is my brother?

I presume you know his whereabouts.

Of course we do.

He's gone on holiday.

Gone on holiday?

Where to?

He didn't say exactly, but I think he may have gone... On a cruise.

To Portugal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On a cruise. That place in Algarve.

Well, he doesn't seem to have taken much with him. I visited his flat.

All his suitcases are still there.

That's because he's gone on a survival course.

A what? To Portugal?

No, in the Outer Hebrides. But I thought you said Portugal.

Yes, I did.

He forgot.

Portugal was cancelled?

Yes, the travel agent overbooked, so they sent him on a survival course

To the Outer Hebrides? Yes.

In Scotland?

Yes. A little out of character for someone so used to fine wines and table

napkins and so entirely remote from the mysteries of haggis.

He has also forgotten to cancel his milk, which makes me very suspicious.

You see, for all his shortcomings, my brother is a very orderly man.

Still, not to worry, I am a very determined daughter. I'm sure I'll track

down eventually.

Ah, Mr.

Ambrose, Jr.

Michael, isn't he? Mrs.

McFarlane, nice to see you again.

How's your husband, Matthew, the other Matthew? He's on an important business

trip in Dusseldorf, but he's fine, fine.

Good, good.

Well, it's been lovely talking to you. Can't stop.

Father,

where are they? Upstairs.

At last.

Has she been waiting for a bus?

Get up, get up.

Get up, get up.

Thank you, Gloria.

Yes, thank you.

Pleasure.

This must be a West Indian, Costa.

Chocolate biscuits with tea.

Oh, sorry, we didn't have anything else.

Well, if I knew you were... Oh, come in. You have baked a cake?

Not exactly.

Excuse me.

Don't I know you?

Who, me? Yes. I have an excellent memory for names.

It's steak pie, isn't it?

Pork with a P.

Pork pie.

Oh, yes. I knew it had something to do with dead animals.

Father, where are the books? I can't find them anywhere.

Ah, Michael.

One moment, please.

I don't suppose you have seen my brother, Matthew?

Yes, he's just in the bathroom.

If you can bear to close that mouth of yours for just a few seconds, I have

something to say.

I'm sure you'll be delighted to know that I've decided to accept Father's

And I will be returning home.

For good.

What can I say?

Look, I didn't know anything about it.

Nobody told me you were hiding in the bathroom.

I was not hiding, Michael. I was lying low.

Yes, but I'm sorry to worry your father, okay? Look, if there's anything I can

do to help... Well, it's done now, so shall we get down to business?

Yes. The matter of transferring the rents from your property to your foreign

accounts in the Gambia. I've just got some form for you to sign.

Matthew, why can't you tell your folks that you don't want to return home to

the business?

Sometimes it is better to go with the flow.

Ah, flow.

Meaning what?

Exactly.

And one can hardly appeal to her emotional side.

My sister, you have noticed, has all the sensitivity of a Sherman tank.

Yes, but Matthew, she's not the one that wants you home. I mean, surely you can

ring your father and say you have other commitments here.

No. You see, in the Gambia... In the Gambia. Look, I know things are

there, Matthew, but are you using it as an excuse for some pretty weak -kneed

yellow -bellied behaviour?

May I remind you, Michael, that if it went for you, I wouldn't be going home

all.

Welcome, sir.

And yours, Matthew.

Everything all right, sir? I thought I had raised voices.

Everything's fine, thank you very much.

A mug?

Well, you're not leaving us.

And I thought it a little unfair that Matthew should drink his last drop of

English tea from a mug.

You know, we're all going to... to miss you, Matthew, but I hope you'll be

taking away some fond memories of us all.

Well, some of us, at least.

You know, I know we've only met on a few occasions, but I feel we could have

become very close friends. Well, that's enough, Mandy.

I was only trying to say farewell.

You mean you won't be coming to the shop this evening?

No. Why? Is there something going on?

Oh, my kind and thoughtful friends have organised a farewell party.

Didn't Michael tell you?

No, he didn't, Matthew.

It slipped my mind.

Well, may I take this opportunity to extend a personal invitation to you,

We'd love to come.

We're going to miss him, you know. Who?

Your brother. He's sort of grown on us. Yes, I can imagine.

It must be like the water I had on my little finger. Can you see? Just there

was. Then one day... I gave it a roll, and poof, it just fell off.

I'm going to try to buy her from Matthew's volumes next.

I hope you're not going to go away and forget about us, Matthew. I don't

you'll give me a chance.

You'll be wanting to visit for holidays, I expect.

Oh, you bet. I always knew I had a soft spot for Matthew.

And as this is a farewell, I'm going to give you two farewell kisses.

Stingy, you can have four from me.

Are you sure it's there to give you this?

Oh, thank you.

It's Anthony, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right.

You're Michael's Mandy, aren't you? No, I'm not Michael's anything, actually.

I mean, I work for him, but I'm not his.

Are you anybody?

I beg your pardon?

Drink? I don't mind if I do.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to witness the end of what has been

long and arduous journey.

A journey undertaken by our good friend Matthew here through the hallowed halls

of academia.

Academia? Damn, you know, I don't need to know that.

Oh, Uxbridge. It's on a Piccadilly line, isn't it?

Quiet when your elders are speaking.

Thank you, Florence.

It's been... Sixteen years since Matthew came into this shop to ask for the

directions to the local library.

And ever since then, he's been a regular visitor to this shop. He came, and he

sat, and he sat.

Some people might say that his time here has been wasted, but I would dispute

that. Time spent imparting knowledge and wisdom can never be wasted.

And for us, getting to meet someone from the fatherland has been a...

Immense value.

Yes.

Now we can all say we know at least one old African saying.

So, Matthew, my dear friend Michael, I would like you to accept this gift as a

small token of our affection and admiration.

There's an old African saying.

A word to the wise is... But for pork pie's benefit, I'll add a few more.

First of all, I'd like to give thanks to Desmond and Shirley for organizing this

wonderful party.

This evening has shown me what good, kind, and generous friends I've made

my brief stay in the United Kingdom.

Oh, come on, Matt. Shut up and open your prison book.

I was forgetting.

We'd like you to look at it as a commemorative of many of the...

Close shave, you've had it all shot.

A very strange present.

They do realize we have electricity in Burgambia, I suppose.

Thank you, Shirley and Desmond.

Now, everybody, let's boogie!

I would like to say a few words in regards to the...

Sudden and untimely departure of my good friend, Matthew.

It's all right, Pope.

I ain't going to bury him, you know.

When I first met Matthew, I thought he was just a pompous, arrogant African

student. But over the years, I've come to realize he's something else, a good

friend. I mean, who else would sit next to me with his newspaper blocking my

view and accuse me of reading over his shoulder?

Who else would be quoting African proverbs in my ears at all hours?

Fill in the cross for when it is time to play the domino and squeeze the

toothpaste in the middle like you did the other night.

But who else would sometimes... Sorry, everybody.

That's what... I'll say this way about you.

We have another present for you from Pork Pie.

Mark, start here.

It's only temporary until I can afford your full name.

Oh, no!

I like it left as it is, Popeye, really.

I don't know what to say, except that I... All right, all right, save that

later, cos you've got one more present to come, mate. More?

Yeah, well, we couldn't let you go without giving you a farewell song,

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no, give us a chance, I can sing.

You're having a laugh, aren't you?

Go on, then, go on.

Goodbye, Matthew, goodbye!

But there are three lovely young ladies who can.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome, all the way from South Africa,

Progress!

Just because you tried to go, sir.

Poor Matthew, eh? Fancy having a sister like that.

Here you are, Popeye.

I made you some tea.

Well, thank you, Shirley.

Oh.

I wasn't thinking, you know, it's just automatic. Tea for two?

Oi, listen, Shirley, if there's a cup of that going down... Help yourself.

Hello!

demand an explanation.

I'm not going to be having a joy and farewell party to the people who come

before they're even gone.

I'm sure Matthew can explain better if you just calm down, Desmond.

Well, you see, I was waiting for Sister Florence, all packed and ready to go

when the phone rang.

It was her, Florence.

She had phoned the Gambia to tell my father that her mission had been

accomplished and she was bringing me home. And apparently, my father said,

the devil for?

And she said, to help you run the business at your pastor, dada.

And he said, my son, Matthew, help run the business?

Are you out of your head, you stupid woman?

I met your husband, my son -in -law, the other Matthew.

What? So, you don't have to go after all?

No. So we are stuck with you here again?

It would seem so.

Right.

What are you doing, Toklay? I'm going to call that engraver and get a refund on

this plaque.

Not to me, a pensioner spending money on this student who doesn't have the

decency to go and stay gone.

Is he going to be like this for the next 16 years?

Yes.

Welcome back, Matthew.