Original subtitles

From the long old night with an ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the coal, I'm in the rum, I want my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music deep, wind up your waist and feel the heat.

What you eyeing about, you have a toothache?

No, it's not a toothache.

What's wrong, Cheryl? Oh, I know, it's those children of ours. I've told you

to let them bother you. I mean, you've got to let go, move on, let them stand

their own two feet.

I'm not talking about two feet, gentlemen. I'm talking about four.

Isn't he cute?

It would be cute if the Wellington boot was booting it out the door.

Yes, I know you could say that.

I told you before, I don't want a dog.

I'm asking you if you want a dog. It's me that wants a dog.

Oh, see?

You have the English disease.

But I think there are too many dogs in London already.

And in tests, eight out of ten pavements would agree with me.

You don't want a dog in this house.

All right. Okay.

No dog.

You agree?

Of course. After all, you wear the trousers in this house, Desmond. That's

right. As long as you remember, they fit me, too.

Is there anything else you want to say to me before I start to read this

newspaper? No, why you are... Because you always want to talk to me just as

about to read a newspaper.

I don't always.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

All right.

Okay. I want to talk. You do?

Yes. Oh, dear, this looks serious.

No, no, no, it isn't.

You know, I've been helping out at that children's home. Surely get to the

point. Well, most of the kids get to go home at the weekend.

But there's this one little girl there called Daisy. Did I ever tell you about

Daisy? You haven't stopped talking about her since you've been going there. But

you see, Daisy hasn't got a home to go to. Her mother abandoned her at birth.

And since then, she's been in and out. All right, all right, all right. She can

stay the weekend.

Oh, Daisy.

You have a heart after all. You can't keep reading the paper if you're doing

that.

Desmond.

What? Look, Daisy is a nice child, but she has one or two behavior problems.

Well, how many? One or two?

She's been in and out of care, and as a result, she's unsettled. We have to

handle her with kid gloves.

Not Wellington boots?

Yes, Your Honor.

Is she house trained?

She is.

All right, well, it's okay by me.

No, Desmond, I'm serious.

You have to promise me. Promise you what?

Well, promise me you won't get angry and raise your voice.

I promise.

Promise me you'll be the perfect father figure. Well, aren't I always?

Only the day before Father's Day.

Promise me you won't come home drunk after Domino's on Friday.

Shirley, why we don't get a dog instead?

It would be easier.

Sorry, ladies, but my wife will be along shortly.

It's a strange word, that, isn't it? What is?

Wife. Yes.

Husband is a silly word as well. Yes.

No, it isn't.

Husband. You know what band means? We had a band, didn't we, Desmond? And we

huss in it.

No, poor boy. Huss is short for house.

Would you like to learn something new?

No. I'm going to tell you anyway.

The band part of the word husband means to dwell.

What's dwell?

It's a well with a D in front of it.

Not a lot of people know that.

Well, it's a pretty silly word when you come to think of it.

Matthew is a pretty silly word now you've got to mention it.

Mention is a pretty silly word once you start to dwell on it. And silly is a

silly word. Especially coming from you. But you know what's the silliest word in

the whole of the universe, the space, and the galaxy?

Know what? Baba!

Cheers, my man.

You want a haircut?

Park you backside on that chair.

I want an afro.

Don't you? We don't do afros. Come on, dude.

You keep out of it, Popeye. Desmond, if you did, I think you ought to apologize

to Daisy. Do what?

Remember what you promised.

Sorry, Desmond.

What did he say, Shirley?

I never heard him.

Louder, Desmond.

I'm sorry!

Would you like some money for some sweets, little girl?

I've been told not to accept sweets from strange men.

Well, he may be a little strange, Daisy, but he is my husband. You'll get used

to him.

Uncle Porkpie and Uncle Matthew. They're going to look after you while I do Mrs.

Johnson's hair. Okay? Okay.

This is Daisy, gentlemen. She's spending the weekend with us. Hello, Daisy.

Hi, dudes.

Daisy, why don't you do our schedule for the weekend?

Excellent. Now, Daisy, schedule me.

Timetable. Plan.

Order of events.

An American -faced schedule.

By the way, drop the Daisy.

What do we call you then?

I know what I'd like to call her.

The kid. Just call me the kid. That's what everyone else does.

What are you reading?

Good question.

I'm reading a book on Greek mythology.

Why?

Because I'm studying classical history at college as an additional course.

Why? Because you don't want to get a job.

good for nothing.

I resent that remark.

Why? Will you please stop saying why?

Why?

Because I said so.

Okay, Uncle Desmond, you're the boss.

Oh, it's gonna be nice having her around, isn't it? Why?

And you better get used to that name because that's who you've got to ask if

want to touch anything in here in the future.

And do you usually go around using people's things without asking first?

Yeah. Well, you're not going to do it to me, OK? The agreement is you sleep in

this room, not trash the place.

Gloria, what have you done to my tapes?

Nothing.

Can I ask you something? Yeah, sure.

Do you normally dress like that?

Yes, I do, and if you must know, I like it.

I'm glad I'm not your sister.

Yeah, well, check it. I'm her brother. How do you think I feel?

Listen, if you was my sister, I'd soon slap that grin off your face.

I told you not to shout at her. I want us to be nice to Daisy, please. Mum,

at my room. Please.

OK, I'll try.

I like jazz.

He plays with Charlie Parker.

Of course he does.

Miles the Bird. And Thelonious. They're excellent dudes, man.

Brilbeck, though. Not so bodacious.

Wow, you're a bit forward for a nine -year -old, aren't you?

No, it's just that your sister's a bit backward, dude.

See, it's not like I'm a dance freak, cos I'm into real music.

Oh, yeah? So what sort of music are we talking here?

We're talking iced tea.

Boogie Down Productions, Flavor Flavor. No, we're talking, man.

You're also talking Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. No, man.

No, they're soft, man.

I'm still a kid, remember?

Yeah, you're safe, man.

Arms length.

Hey, where you get that ring from?

Um, your room.

And another thing, that kid could eat. She's a bottomless pit.

dumplings last night? Fine.

Then she had four chicken drumsticks, rice, peas, two glasses of sauce up,

that she still wanted after.

Matthew. What?

Well, isn't there an old African saying on this subject?

Nope. But I know what an old Guyanese would say.

That's a whole heap of food.

Tell me something.

Where is she now?

Gone to the supermarket with Shirley.

You sure they have enough food over there?

I don't know how much longer I can take that little rat in my room. She's

rummaging for all my things. Yes, and she messed up all my tapes. She put them

all out of order. Listen, I know you're supposed to treat her with kid gloves,

but I like to use boxing gloves on her.

I want to sprinkle her.

You could write a whole Stephen King novel about what I'd like to do to her.

I don't know you've got like that. Yes, I do. Well, hold on a minute. I thought

you liked her.

You're always smiling at her. That's to stop the snarl.

OK, where's the kid we all love to hate?

I think he just walked through the door.

I think you know who I mean, Father.

This looks like a conspiracy.

What have you done with her? You haven't chopped her up and put her in the

freezer, have you?

No, Michael.

Stupid boy.

He wants to do a lot worse than that just now on the phone.

Quite frankly, I'm shocked that grown -up people would want to be so vicious

a kid. Have you met her? Oh, no, but look, I think mother's doing a great job

helping out with these children. The least we can all do is support her.

I mean, there must be a collective age here of about, what, 180?

280 if you count Popeye.

And you can't deal with a nine -year -old?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I didn't ask you over here to use your charm to speak to your mother about

nine -year -old. I didn't ask you over here to make fools out of us. No, of

course not. You can do that yourself.

Ah, here they come.

Oh, mother.

Let me help you with those.

Thank you.

Here, take these upstairs.

Come on.

Uh, hello.

I bet you're Daisy, aren't you?

You enjoying your ice cream?

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Can I have some?

Sure.

Well, isn't this nice?

Everyone's here to show Daisy what a happy family is like.

Yeah, but Mum, Michael's not here.

Precisely. That's why I'm happy.

Did you enjoy your treats today, Daisy?

What treats?

Didn't Mum take you to the cinema?

Oh!

Yeah. Well, did you enjoy it?

Yeah. Ever thought of becoming a film critic?

Right, last clue.

Fourteen across.

Youth resisting the norm.

Eight and ten letters.

Well, it's nice to see everybody having such a nice time.

I found some board games. Ah, good. Board games for bored people.

Right, Daisy, your choice.

What game would you like to play first?

Choose Monopoly.

It's the only time I have any money or property.

Personally, I prefer games that challenge the intellect and fire the

imagination.

Shirley, do you have Cluedo?

This is supposed to be for Daisy.

What about Snakes and Ladders? Yeah, it's a bit better, this game.

And you lost the mouth of the cat. No, no, no. Shut up. Shirley, control your

children.

What do you mean, my children?

That's what Shirley is right.

They're your children as well. Who asked you anything?

Yes, for quite. Who asked you anything?

There's an old African saying.

A mouse should never come between a lion and a lioness. Who are you calling a

mouse? I'm part of the family.

Oh, I thought you were part of the furniture.

No, you see what I mean.

Uh -uh. So all of this is my fault? Yes.

Happy families.

I'm sorry about this, Daisy.

Look, Mum, this isn't working, man. It's all if we just chipped one time. It's

not as if we didn't try. See you later, bye.

Have a lovely evening, Shirley.

Yes, we must do this again soon.

Um, I'll see them out.

As long as it's just to the door and not to the pub. But, Shirley... Look, I

just want to have a word with you after I put Daisy to bed.

Please. All right.

Let's have a game of dominoes downstairs.

That's a game I can beat you at. No, it's a game I can beat you at.

No, no, no, no, Daisy.

Desmond doesn't like children scribbling on his newspaper.

Sean and Gloria used to do the same thing.

Now, tell me, what's up?

It's nothing really.

I'm just bored.

Well, tomorrow we'll do something really exciting, I promise.

What?

Much better.

Now, off you go and brush your teeth.

Okay.

Daisy?

Yeah?

You've finished the crossword.

Yeah. Youth resisting the norm.

Juvenile delinquent.

Can I go and brush my teeth now?

Yes.

Excellent.

Of all the kids in all the world, and surely you had to choose her.

I mean, the thing about choosing is to choose the best.

Well, children do seem to be different today.

What do you mean, different?

Well, when I was a child, if I misbehaved, my father only had to say

and I'll get... Your father spoke to you?

When I was a child, my father only had to look at me and I'd get...

Yeah.

Why, one day with me and you'd see the difference.

But she's been here two full days already.

At least she's going tomorrow.

A long time between now and tomorrow.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Shirley, how nice of you to include me once again in this specially extended

family occasion.

Where's the food?

No pork pie. We're doing something special before lunch. Everybody got

and paper?

It's a bit alternative, Mum. I mean, what are we supposed to do right until

we're full?

Yes, Mother, whatever this entertain -daisy session is, I've got short tennis

two o 'clock, so we'd better hurry up.

What's short tennis?

It's for people who are short of friends.

Desmond Arroyo's reporting for duty, sir.

Right, Desmond, sit down, please.

Well,

now,

isn't this nice?

It'd be nice if there was food at the table.

Pokpai, Shirley's trying to tell us something.

Thank you, Matthew.

Well, today I thought we might entertain Daisy with a few games.

Shirley, my little sugarplum, you forget yesterday?

Ah, but today's going to be different.

Today I thought we might exercise our brain.

Pokpai, you can go.

I exercise my brain all week at the bank. Yeah, then you come down here and

exercise your big mouth.

That's enough.

Now then.

The rules of the game are no cheating, no copying, and no conforming.

This is going to be very difficult, eh, pork pie?

And the first game is mental arithmetic.

Well, I think I'll take this one out. I left me glasses downstairs.

It's all right, Uncle Desmond.

I brought them up for you.

Thank you, Daisy.

Ready?

You're allowed to write down the problem, but the sum you have to do in

head.

What is 13 times 8 divided by 4

times 36?

Michael. It's not so cheap, man.

Mother, everybody uses calculators these days.

I don't.

Mum, was that divided by 36? I lost my place now.

No cheating.

I've got it.

At last.

The answer is 935.

Wrong.

936.

You know something?

Daisy's right.

302.

Try and keep up, Popeye.

It's a six.

Oh, such a good loser, aren't you, Michael?

Right. The next round is general knowledge.

Would someone else like to set the question? Yes, I have one.

Not too difficult for Daisy, Matthew.

No.

Name the seven dwarfs.

Happy.

Grumpy.

Dozy. Oh, you would get that one, wouldn't you?

You're always dopey. Happy.

Grumpy. Dozy.

Sleazy. Who?

How many so far?

Oh, Lord.

Grumpy, Snoozy.

Four. Duppy.

Duppy.

Bashful.

I have a tip of my tongue.

Sleepy and Doc.

Well done, Daisy.

It's my turn.

I have a riddle.

out on a donkey on Monday.

He travels for two days and stays one night at an inn.

He rests for a day.

He travels three more days and arrives on Friday.

How can that be?

Arrives on Friday?

Mm -hmm.

I know.

It was a leap year. Nope.

Nope.

No, no, Gloria, he'd travel by night. Nope. The clocks went back.

No. Because he could...

He ditched the donkey and took Concord.

No, no, no. None of you have got it. Not even Daisy.

Could you just repeat that, please, Uncle Desmond?

Of course.

A man sets out on a donkey on Monday. He travels for two days and stays the

night at the inn. He rests for two days, then travels for three more days and

arrives on Friday. How can that be?

The donkey's name was Friday. Right.

donkey had a name?

Not the point, Popeye.

I would like to know what the point of this cheap, humiliating, unamusing, time

-wasting exercise has been.

I mean, a donkey could... He always has to win.

It showed us one thing, Michael.

Daisy didn't enjoy our childish games yesterday because she's more perceptive

and intelligent than any of us realize.

And I'm going to have a word with her teacher's first thing on Monday morning.

Is that a good idea, Daisy?

Bodacious. Yes, totally triumphant.

You hear that?

Hear what?

That, my friend, is the sound of peace.

Now, there's a silly word, peace.

You never know what it means.

You can have a hairpiece.

You can have war and peace. Or you could have my favorite word in the whole

galaxy, universe, and space, rice and peace.

Your definition of peace is nurturing.

Correct.

Oh, come on, Desmond.

After a while, you'd miss them. Even Michael.

Nope.

Well, you were even singing Daisy's praises yesterday before she left.

Well, that's because I knew she was an exceptional child.

Oh, Desmond.

The same like me when I was a kid. Nobody understood me.

Nothing's changed.

But I do hope we see her again soon.

Daisy certainly raised the level of intellectual ambience here. Eh, Popeye?

What does that mean?

Well, I'm sure she'd miss us too.

Ah,

it was lovely to see her being part of a family again.

Well, what do you expect?

It's the Ambrose touch.

Pity it don't work all the time.

Michael. I've been thinking about you, Mother.

And father.

How about your desire to hear the patter of tiny feet again?

So until such time as I or the other two offspring decide to reproduce, I

brought you something that will bring you some joy and buy me some time.